Haute Cow – Low Cow

Q: How many Taureans does it take to to change a light-bulb?

A; None. Taureans don’t like to change anything.

Haute Cow is SENSUAL; Whether slipping between freshly sun-dried, lavender scented linen with the highest thread count they can afford, flexing just pedicured feet, or trying out a new bedwork move, Cow-People are genuinely in their bodies. Think glam piano man Liberace luxuriating in his bubble bath. Musically inclined, Taureans are blessed with beautiful singing voices.

Haute Cow is DEPENDABLE: Taureans are there for you, not necessarily to hash through the situation, but in a practical way: they will bake you a high-carb comfort dinner, pay the bail or babysit your kids. They sometimes feel trapped by this trait. No-one else can calm down Aunt Thing after her third gin and they know it. The Bulls & Cows are dignified folk. They’d all be pillars of society if only they could find a society decent enough. Meanwhile, they make to with any organisation that lets them be treasurer. Blessed with a sense of adequacy, our Cow feels at home in the world and welcomes you as well.

Haute Cow is SERENE; Taureans are the relaxation gurus of the Zodiac. Left to their own devices, they like hanging out with their offspring, cooking, gardening and/or taking to the couch with a bottle of plonk, a hunk of bread and a cuddly companion. The Taurean couch exerts a gravity pull akin to Jupiter on  his moons. The only difference is that our Taurus resists the gravitational force of the couch for as long as it takes to get to the fridge and back. They know that so-called mindless entertainment fulfils all the requirements of Zen-that is, pure enlightenment. Taurus has no need of the umpteen books released every year instructing one in the art of doing nothing, letting go, kicking back, just being – they’re already there.

Haute Cow is EARTH ANGELIC; Unlike Fire signs, who can wilt even a bamboo plant with one bitchy gaze, Taurus is green-fingered. Their fantasy house is a luxury shack in the woods where Taurus romps around lush grassy fields like something out of a Scandinavian shampoo ad. They are also natural-born healers, but not as in the Virgoan School of Healing, where St Virgo advises the sinners on what vitamins to take. Taurus emits a calming vibe capable of soothing the most hysterical person and even effect so-called miracle cures. Thus, a disproportionate amount of brilliant body-workers, medics and healers are Cow People.

Haute Cow is CIVILISED; Taureans know to relish life’s pleasures sans being sleazy or devious. Sensational socialisers, they are fabulous company, “mostest” hosts and officially “good” guests. As neurosis is alien to their nature, they don’t pull any of the nervy tricks known to other signs. A socially adequate persona enables them to put everyone at ease and they can be relied upon to behave. They never, for instance, try the “You’re a gynaecologist? Great! I’ve had this itchy discharge…” type of stunt. They adore recommending top accountants, nail artistes, and all of their myriad tips for better living.

Haute Cow is STABLE; They may not know what status quo means, but they know they like it. Regardless of trends, Taureans are grounded in the realms of their own tastes. Happy to confess that they dislike most music released after a certain age, they don’t care that the certain age was 21. Being around a Taurus puts on in touch with one’s own inner straight person. There is nothing wrong with choosing comfort, the good life and nice furnishings over nerves and insanity. Straight may be the new avant-garde.

Low Cow is GREEDY. Taureans think greed is good only they’ve made it New Age and call it “manifesting abundance.” They suffer from shocking Thing Lust and, like devotees of an ancient cargo cult, they think objects have souls with which they commune. In his will, William Shakespeare left Mrs Shakespeare his “second-best bed.” Taurus returns from an exotic holiday with the high point having been the vicious haggling of some hapless street merchant. Even wealthy Cows can often not resist referring to the cost or alleged elite nature of their latest Thing. They are especially irksome when ensuring that the correct charges are extracted for a group dinner. After all, why should Taurus pay for a barely-nibbled-at bruschetta?

Low Cow is TYRANNICAL; Taureans think right equals might and, naturally, they are right. They may not be guilt-inducing champions like cousin Virgo, but they try some fairly hefty moral judgement calls. They can’t help seeing themselves as respectable standard bearers of common decency. Sundry irritants of life such as a surly sales assistant become markers of social decline. Demonstrating the flip side to their loyalty, they can also turn into social stalkers: some friends are for life…Or else. Another reason they are so good at hanging onto old acquaintances is that they see them as visible proof that nothing has, in fact, changed. One needs a lawyer to insult Taureans, as that is practically the only insult they notice.

Low Cow is CONTROL-FREAKY. Heaven help the person who doesn’t want to do what the Taurus wants them to do, like eating the food they think you should like, attending an art exhibition they know you will benefit from or dating them because you need proper structure in your life. The Taurean “no” means “piss off” but your “no” is a mere formality, a bleat of stupidity because you are too weak-minded to properly grasp that the Taurus has made up their so-called mind. Resisting the Taurus is not exactly futile but it does leave you open to a long-winded, pompous lecture full of ponderous moralising drivel. Taurus knows that you will eventually be bored into submission.

Low Cow is OBSTINATE; Taurus is akin to a big boat that takes ages to respond to the wheel but then charges off full-steam ahead, almost unstoppable. Their so-precious respectability cloaks inertia. Some are so old-school that they still want to write their control-freaking memos with a quill dipped in  ink, to be delivered by personal carrier pigeon. A room of their own? They crave a rut of their own. Even if the Taurus is totally wrong, they will bulldoze through, oblivious to everything but their own power of will. This is obviously wonderful for when they’re giving up smoking or single-handedly building a new garage in a day, but vile when they’re fanging down the freeway in the wrong direction, oblivious to any advice, because they know best.