HAUTE AQUARIUS IS:
ORIGINAL: Aquarians don’t give a toss about the generally accepted version of reality. They don’t march to the beat of a different drummer – they march to the beat of an instrument that hasn’t even been invented yet. Throughout history, Aquarians have been the mystics dabbling in alchemy, the mavericks insisting that the earth is round or that it revolves around the sun when everyone knew that our world was the centre of the galaxy. Astronomer Galileo got excommunicated and placed under house arrest yet still managed to invent the telescope, among other things. Aquarians are nearly all inventive by nature. It is a rare Aquarius who has not got a few mind-bending concepts tucked away.
VISIONARY: The future is here and it looks like fun, says the fearless Aqua. Aquarians enjoy visualising a Uptopian new world order. They really do vibe to the Age of Aquarius: “Harmony and understanding…mystic crystal revelations.”
REVOLUTIONARY: Even the most seemingly straight, sheepish, gray-tracksuit wearing Aquarius person you know is quietly subverting society. They don’t necessarily need green hair or extensive body hair to do it. These natural-born radicals tend to live ahead of their times. The world needs them because they believe in changing the world and empowering practically everyone. They’ll happily take a day off from whatever it is they officially do to get involved in a protest campaign. Aquarians believe in consumer power and put their money where their mouth is. An amazing proportion of them are vegetarians and no matter what the temptation, they tend not to buy products from companies with abhorrent politics or environmental non-policy. To an Aquarius, there is no such thing as a minority and even if there is, why is that an excuse to ignore it?
STUNNING: Aquarians are stunning in a space-age way. Their face has the symmetry of Libra but with an alien air. Their charisma is wired, hyped, and capable of literally changing the energy in a room. They tend to polarise people, producing emotions of either extreme attraction or actual repulsion.
HILARIOUS: Aquarians are extraordinarily funny. Their iconoclastic sense of humour and lack of regard for convention produce an apt flippancy like nothing else. As someone once said of U.S. actress Tallulah Bankhead “Tallulah never bored anyone and that is humanitarianism of a very high order indeed.” An accomplished stage, movie, radio and TV performer, she even starred in the original Batman series. An openly bisexual, cocaine-snorting actress, she had affairs with people as diverse as actors Gary Cooper and Greta Garbo. “Daddy warned me about men and booze but he never said a word about women and cocaine.”
ELECTRIFYING: They are the all-time greatest networkers – they match-make soul mates and casually perform career-altering introductions. Aquarians alter someone’s life for the better without even noticing they’re doing it. Sometimes they’ll find you something before you even know you need it. If they can be bothered tuning in to you for five seconds, the advice is superb. But bear in mind that five seconds is the base unit of Aquarian concentration. That’s as long as it takes to say “here is the number of my genius osteopath” or “you should be working with my friend Thingie, I’ll email the company tomorrow.”
LOW AQUARIUS IS:
ERRATIC: Aquarians can completely freak out at having to attend something as innocuous as a wedding invitation but put a note in their planner to overthrow the pharmaceutical industry complex next Tuesday. In social life they go way beyond playing devil’s advocate. The Aquarian will tell outrageous fibs to bolster their suddenly held view that the world has, in fact, been flat all along. Why? Because they can. Blessed with a highly active sixth sense, Aquarians have problems tuning into the usual five senses. They see things that aren’t there, hear voices when nobody is in the room, and get electric shocks from things that aren’t even electric. They get the giggles at momentous occasions. Aquarius is officially associated with groups but, like so much to do with this sign, that’s really more of a concept. In real life, Aquarians often dislike groups. Belonging to one would mean they’d have to cooperate or, as they call it, compromise their principles.
BOMBASTIC: An Aquarius does not just clean the house. They find that sort of stifling bourgeois shit too tiresome. Instead, the Aquarian rearranges the furniture, sandblasts the floors, tears a wall down if possible, gets the place feng shuied, and buys new linen. Though they are the opposite sign to Leo, they share the huge ego. An Aquarius languishing from lack of attention takes it just as hard as Leo. But Leo knows how to suavely switch the spotlight back onto themselves. Aquarius starts saying the most dreadful things, regardless of whom they alienate. Aquarians have just two social speeds: focused suck-up mode for people worth impressing and maverick-genius-goads-intellectual-inferior mode.
COLD: Due to their oft-adopted glacially cool detatchment, it can be difficult to tell what an Aquarius person is feeling. Why? Because they have no feelings, at least, not as normal people know them. They feel that an overt display of actual emotion is almost wanton. If you confide an important secret to an Aquarian, just be aware that they are already thinking of you as Subject A, or as something akin to a lab rat. Aquarius ponders the correct response, wondering whether to issue the verbal equivalent of a rat food pellet or weensy electric shock. This “life is a laboratory” approach garners valuable information for Aquarians’ ongoing research into humanity project and gives them clues for how they might best fake a feeling, should circumstances require it.
ARROGANT: Aquarians love humanity but loathe people. They can easily work up more emotion on behalf of beggars in the street or battery hens than they can for their own nearest and dearest. Those who do not know them well often call Aquarians hypocritical. Those who are close to an Aquarius can expound upon the topic at length. Nobody does armchair anarchy or chardonnay politics as well as Aquarius. Aquarians are free spirits, unfettered by bourgeois convention. Don’t fence them in but heaven save you should you want your space. It was said of actor John Barrymore that he was “given to sudden fits of generosity and equally fitful moods of self-centred arrogance.” Think that could apply to any old person? Perhaps, but you have to remember that the Aquarian version of being generous is giving away practically their entire library to a stranger on some whim. Their fits of self-centred arrogance defy belief. Their genius will not be stifled by some idiot. That is…You.