Do you have Dating Phobia Symptoms? This question from the Pilates-Addicted Aquarian Acountant and the answers from Mystic + commenters may help.
Dear Mystic,
Thank you a thousand times over for the magnificent Horoscopes, Tarot and Oracle. I am too Aquarian to use the Moon Calendar (time is tyranny and all that) but I love everything else. But I am wondering if there is such a thing as Dating Phobia? And if so, what are the symptoms? How can you distinguish them from being healthily discerning?
I know people often accuse Aquarius people of being unpredictable or aloof – cold even – but in my case, I have a strong aversion to blending with personal energies I am not aligned with. Even “just” a conversation feels to me like a merging. I know, I know #Aquarius. And the more individuated and empowered I get with age (Uranus Opposition now) the less keen I am on dialing down my aura just to fit in. Or to score the social identity and advantages of coupledom. Or to get laid. This is not Asexuality. I have, you know, devices.
Do I even want to meet anyone? Is it humanly possible to be just happy as a singular unit? Assuming financial independence and emotional autonomy? Or is this an Aquarius thing? I browse the dating site I am a member on and then shudder with relief as i switch back to (hello, Moon in Capricorn) run some analytics on my accounting software. Should I force myself to date, just put it out there and make it happen or work on my energy and let what happens, happen?
I think my main fear around dating is that I would somehow slide down a rabbit hole back into the dating-sex-crazy-hot-boyfriend-booze-drugs-chaos-hell of my 20s. Or even the passivity of my 30s.
Also, while I am having my anxiety attack already, I just binge-watched The Handmaids Tale and this has not helped. No insult intended to any sex worker professionals reading but going on a date is like dressing up to be “inspected” like a prostitute.
Example: a woman I know who went for coffee with a man she met online and he asked her if her children were born naturally or by Caesarian. She is Aries so she just said: “I know you are not an obstetrician so I am going to assume you are trying to gauge the tone of my vagina, it is fantastic – how big is your dick?”
Finally, this could be an age thing but seriously: really good book in bed with the cat, comfy hemp t-shirt, superior skin serum on? Or a bar booth in alignment fuqing heels being interviewed for a girlfriend position by proving my monologue listening skills? Is this Dating Phobia and should I treat it?
love,
the Pilates-addicted Aquarian accountant
Dear Pilates Addicted Aquarius Accountant,
Dating Phobia or Dating Aversion? You don’t sound scared of dating so much as healthily aware of its pitfalls. It is also about Mating Choices. Female Economic Independence has altered so many dynamics and things are still in flux.
There are other ways to be happy and fulfilled: Pilates, accounting, friends, cats, reading, skincare, a spiritual practice; these are not trivial. And it’s better to be composed and self-assured than hollowed out from the inside via a bad romance or frenetic dating scene.
Still, why not make peace with whatever electric party ghosts are still buzzing around from your pre-Saturn Return era? It can’t get that crazy again. These days you probably wouldn’t be able to stay up that late or gain free entry to skeevy clubs. And as you say, you’ve lost your tolerance for douchecore men.
Rather than conjuring up the nightmare scenarios, let your mind gently meander to what a really awesome relationship might look for you. Dwell on that a bit rather than going nuts and clearing out vast swathes of your schedule for crazy conquest scenarios. The Handmaids Tale is never going to put you in a good dating mood, btw.
But yes, people can be totally happy single and none of is compulsory. What does everyone else think?
Images:
Howard the Duck
don’t do what you don’t want to do. period. if love is out there, it will find its way.
Also, as said in comments above. Not being interested in romantic relationships is okay! And asexuality can still include masturbation!
I am Aquarius Rising/ Aquarius NN and I really relate to this post. Really.
My key comment would be. Why shouldn’t we expand our notion of what romance/love stars are?
Perhaps the incoming romance/big love is platonic? Who is to say this is less valuable?
Also I feel like focusing on building love and positivity in one’s life that one actually vibes with is the key (cf, building what you feel is the type of love/lifestyle that society says you should have). I watched the Handmaid’s Tale and was similarly triggered. I had to watch Miyazaki’s Ponyo afterwards to make me feel good (innocence, female empowerment, creativity, joie de vivre). And what about that old cliche law of attraction stuff – do what you love, surround yourselves with those you are, as you say, aligned with – those worthy of your time- and the universe will help you to cultivate the love you need.
Beautiful love shared with others depends on the beautiful INDEPENDENT love and joy we can generate in our lives, through our own passions and state of mind.
Value your self, and mind and don’t waste your time doing the old school dating thing. Do the things you love and find rewarding and “love”, in whatever form, will enter your life.
As a cap moon I’d go with Liberating Venus’s observation re finding the middle path where other ppl are a lovely, enriching addition to our lives. The distinction between self protection vs. comfort zone can take some work to distinguish. Where is your north node btw? X
At the same time I also strongly identified with the total-CBF ‘I have more important things to do and these idiots are wasting my valuable time’ so yes
I am Aqua sun married to an Aqua rising and I can only say that this we are both our just desserts and exactly what we deserve. He was (mildly) miffed today because I spent a good chunk of the weekend with my girlfriend, but as I said to him, I don’t want to be around him all the time. I have a life! I have friends. I have things I want to do. And frankly if I live my life how I want to, when I am around him he can know that it’s because I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be. This might sound harsh, but he responded well to it, because this is exactly how he treats me, and I’m also the one occasionally miffed that he will prefer being with himself to being with me.
My point being – don’t settle for less than your equal. Being alone and free if fuqing awesome! Being with someone who is on your level also rocks, but frankly it’s way more challenging.
Also female friendships (if you’re a woman) need to be nurtured for your whole life. I have friends who have disappeared into the maw of motherhood, but they are super keen to hang out with their non-child-bearing friends if you can work around their schedule or even better, help them escape their kids for a night! Quality female friends are the best – they will go that extra mile and fill in the gaps that male partners don’t even know exist. Any guys reading this know that this is a thing for male friends too. I feel sad for women who don’t value female friendship. It’s just like shooting yourself in the foot.
This is so great! Sounds like a healthy interdependent relationship… one that recognizes each person is an individual complete within themselves. Responsible for his/her own feelings and choices and NEEDS. But each person knowing they are supported by the other. I can echo the being on your level challenges, however, other unequal levels probably have their challenges too. My friendship landscape has definitely changed over the years with various people coming in and out. Valuing female friendship is paramount for me and it requires nurturing, understanding and WORK. You get what you give… With an 11th house sun, I live by this!
I’d say you sound very sane.
I don’t think there’s any harm in going on dates, but yeah–don’t settle for anything crap.
Apologies for off topic but I have been reading the list that you retweeted Mystic. I felt compelled to reply and as I don’t Tweet hope you won’t mind me replying here. Everyone should consider reading it. It is Art. You will laugh, you will cry – you will be reminded of what it is to be a teenage girl in late stage capitalism.
My guess on the age/astro debate is that she is going to have a birthday at the end of the summer. Things that suggest this; she is motivated to have a Summer Bucket list (ie possibly explains the deadline), the list includes “super wild birthday” and she seems to be reflecting (in her own inimitable way) on the child/woman line. She hasn’t checked off sw birthday yet, so I guess that would make her Leo or Virgo (maybe Libra depending on her definition of Summer). My sense, taking into consideration the list writing thing – Virgo. I can see an argument for Libra with the focus on relationships but there is the ‘sacred whore/school sack monitor tell’ that Mystic has so eloquently identified in our Virgo.
As for age – tricky – references to 17 suggest she could be about to turn 17 but that could just be referring to 2017. Feels like she is a little younger so I’m not sure on that. More confident on my Virgo call maybe with Saggo Rising
Hahahahahhaha re: Aries friend State of the Vagina. Yes X11 million.
Also tho I have 5 planets in Sag including Venus conj Uranus- I love being married (to a haute Leo, aka a feral cat)… I am Libra rising however.
I think about it as amazing orgasms without fear of STDs?? Also co-parenting is crucial. Single parenting wouldn’t fit my Sag lifestyle……,,,,,,
Libra rising meaning you love love and marriage?
Lol, I just went through a “good date gone bad” scenario just this week actually. Met the guy online, as is the norm these days, had to convince him to take it slow like a normal person (talk for a couple of weeks before agreeing to meet), then when we did meet he totally blew it by acting in a very forced romantic manner and declaring himself the official owner of his very own personality disorder: no thanks, none for me please, I’ll take lonely evenings rewatching all the Game of Thrones episodes in preparation for the new season 7 over a sappy, codependent relationship with a dude with BPD. And I do love being single now – I’m divorced with two kids – but having a companion would be nice too. But shit, it really has to be a positive addition to my life at this point. Of course I have both Lilith AND Saturn doing a square dance on my Asc at the moment, and Uranus has been fuqing up my 4th house (including during my Uranus opposition a few years ago) for years now. I also just had a nodal opposition occur. Curious to see how the eclipse will affect me – it will occur within one degree of my Sun/Moon midpoint and 3 degrees away from my South Node/natal Lilith.
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Can I just add to the many wise words above and as a fellow Aqua rising, be true to yourself and don’t buy into the thousands of years of conditioning that says ‘ you must have a partner to be whole ” bulls***. As a f/t solo traveller, (campervan and love it) I get asked all the time ” are you lonely”? you are so brave. I want to heave and I reply 1. nope never. and 2. there is more chance of getting attacked in your own home by someone you know. That shuts them up. Couples have forgotten what its like to be single and they ask those questions out of their own insecurity and jealousy. It is FRICKN AWSOME to be on my own. Appreciate it PAAA
Aquarius rising here. Bonus Uranus opposing Moon and Pluto square Pluto – not exactly the same but v similar in terms of astro activity. Can attest that I am also thinking about the future astro clime and if I need to update my currently happily single settings.
Specifically the part about the fear of sliding back into the icky 20s stood out to me. I went through Neptune across the ascendent in my 20s among other meh and it was, indeed, quite boozy and full of unpleasant dating experiences. Lately I moved to a new city and have been struggling to meet new people, and I’ve occasionally slid back into my 20s habits of going to bars to socialize. What invariably happens is that I meet a very attractive person with major Neptune or Uranus issues, we hit it off, exchange communication details… and two hours later I block them without responding further. In the few times I have not done this, the other party has shown themselves to be the exact elements I do not want to pursue, echoing back to those sad watery years of my 20s…
I’m not exactly sure what it ‘means’ but in many ways I guess I’ve just accepted that it is me not them, and that’s totally fine
Are you me?? My experience to the letter but so much better expressed than I could ever hope to.
I grew up with a father and brother both aquarius and I am a Aquar rising. We all needed our space and were content to wing it on our own. I teach so by the time I get home to arsenic hour and “do” the mother/wife thang I am craving me time. Head phones on to drown out the insane TV crap, reading, surfing the net, dreaming, planning yadda yadda. Don’t stress about “the one” its Cinderella syndrome, and if there was someone for you he will relish in you as you are and will turn up when least expected.
Oh PAA
You’ve given me teh insights
I’m cancer engaged to an Aqua and yes he’s off a different planet. Got a Virgo moon too. Schish! I’m totally merge, bring it on no boundary and he’s a touch shall we say ‘removed’ But something works on the whole.
Some humans need to be in their own aura and that’s fine by them, others need total immersion. Just pick what feels right, and should someone blend into you one day and it feels ok then go for a bit of blending and see where you get to. On the whole men are ok. Some are great, others utter nut jobs but hey not every girl is perfect either.
Post Romantic Stress Disorder
Seriously.
Its a thing.
I just want all of you to be my friends.
Me too!
Me three!
And yes, the dating apocalypse happened around 2005(ish). I have heard in super metro areas like NYC as early as 2000. But dating sucks.
And the worst part is dates don’t even exist anymore. No one is signing up to take you out to dinner anymore and if they do it is probably dutch. You are lucky to get coffee, and I don’t drink coffee. In super-metro areas, the one-night stand is becoming extinct. Yup, men are going on multiple dates in one night. You don’t even get a chance to spend the night together.
Also from other things I read, if you are TOO physically attractive in your photos you won’t get dates online because people assume catfishing/kittenfishing .
Another very disturbing thing is read is that by age 46 y.o. over 90% of available males (if hetero) are already in a relationship, married, or previously married. So the closer you get to this age, your chances or dating a never married is very slim.
And I don’t have anything against divorced people, but after listening to 3 friends tell me their stories about dating the angry anal post-divorced man I would never date that. I realize some men have different experiences and in fact, the man I am currently with had a “Britney Spears” type marriage prev so like married for 6 months before realizing it wasn’t working and then divorcing. Therefore no baggage from marriage.
(But don’t worry he’s got baggage from other stuff, but don’t we all?)
But yeah my friends who this is their first marriage is having to put up with shit like being told up front yeah they are going to have kids to nope i don’t want any children because man has children from prev marriage. Horrible things!
Why would anyone want to date anymore?
The good news? Gen Z who are currently about high school age to young 20s are hopefully going to turn this shit around. They are more conservative than Gen Y was and i notice them doing things like having a boy/girlfriend in high school for like 2 or more years. Very even keeled for young people!
I agree about the younger generation 😀 – totally got their shit together (in general)
I’m Gen Y and I go dutch on dates as a preference but I’ve always had dates. Nice ones. No one night stands, two months-long relationships, three years-long relationships. It’s totally possible.
And I’m now divorcing and RIDICULOUSLY happy to be single. So can relate to a lot of this thread. But it doesn’t feel like the dating apocalypse to me.
You must be doing something right to live a life so blessed! Good for you!!! I am glad someone can prosper in this environment.
Part of that since i am probably 10-15 yrs older than you is that dating was starting to change slowly as you got into the adult market therefore you notice marked changes less and are more adaptable at a younger age. So by the time one is 25 y.o. Which is approx age of brain crystallization where adults become more “stable” and risk averse hence lowering of car insurance payments but also locked into patterns and habits. So lets pretnd you are born in 1985 then 2005 era you would be an adult which is when stuff was changing so a few years of that…the chaos of ghosting, benching , catfishing, would seem like normal peer behaviour even if you have not experienced this stuff first hand. Enough of your friends would have experienced these things to make you go…well thats normal.
Back in the 80’s or 90’s a bad date would consist of someone not showing up, person is boring, or disappearing leaving you to pay the bill. Date rape happened back then and still happens now. Women pay so much more for haircuts and clothing but make about 70 ish cents on dollar that i dont mind if a man picks up the tab IF I KNOW HIM. If it is a stranger by all means going dutch is a way of exerting power over my body.
I was already in the dating market for a full decade or more and suddenly People are afraid of “catching feelings” and all sorts of nonsense. online dating did revolutionize dating btw. Also do you live in a super urban metro area like NYC or LA? Those are hard hit areas. Smaller towns still have some decency.
Yeah, I’m in a smaller area. And I don’t do very much dating, so I can afford to limit myself to the people who want to relate in the way I do. I’m not “cool” at all, so I don’t have to pretend I don’t have emotions or needs. 🙂
Loving this monetary logic as a driver for the who-pays convo. I’m imagining a NiceGuy-Woke type:
“I would treat you but, to be fair, I know that this is just a masculine oppression of the Modern Woman, so let’s go dutch.”
“At 70% of your earnings, and with my expenditure on Looking Feeling Tasty preparations for this evening, at approximately 175% of yours…I think the bill works out to…Let me see…You could pay me the negative balance in instalments? To be fair.”
“…”
“Oh we forgot to add Fear Tax…let me re-calculate, darling.”
“What tax??”
“Security when out on a date with a stranger, and the preparatory calls to inform friends of whereabouts and times and get out clause text, plus the self-defence/assertiveness classes; fear of being solely responsible for intimate protection, and the pre-purchase of items; fear of having to get home safely in a hurry and the cost of the special fold-up flats I carry in my purse; fear of getting emotionally hooked on an unavailable man and the set up of my therapy appointments both before and after.”
” Sounds too expensive to date you.”
“Oh, not at all! I pay the Fear tax on just seventy percent of what you earn! And don’t I make it look easy, baby.”
On the topic of asexuality, since it was brought up earlier. Asexuality has nothing to do with masturbation at all. A person can masturbate all they want (or not!) and still be Ace or Demi or whatever. A lot of people misunderstand this. In fact, this is what took me a long time to come to the conclusion I must be demisexual or possibly ace, because I DO have a roaring sex drive, but I find ‘normal’ everyday men (or women) don’t cut it for me. Much easier to be in love with characters in a book than an actual person.
This post and the comments have made me feel SO much better as I am very much experiencing this! I’m 28 and while I’ve had a lot of, ahem, “flings” I’ve never been in a serious relationship and I’m getting to the point where I’m so used to being alone (I live by myself by choice) that I can’t ever really imagine being in a relationship, at least not one that involves cohabiting. I like my space and my time! So I have no useful advice to give you, PAAA, but you are very much not alone in your horror of dating!
I really feel that if you’re fulfilled happy and shining, its not compulsory to go on dates! However in my life that’s usually just the time that someone new appears…sometimes a little spoiling, being worshipped and wined and dined ( I am a Taurus ) so as an aquarian it might be some unusual art exhib or entreprenarial meet up for your Capricorn moon. But as someone once said to me, you’re not going to find your ideal mate sitting in your bedroom! Cat or no cat! Surely there are hot men/women at Pilates? Let the Uranus vibe lead you to something different- a green economist who loves Pilates and cats? And scuba diving…live a little!
Also, cackling over the post image. I think 80’s hair could be classified as a superpower.
It was! Remember hairsprays that used to deplete the ozone layer? I loved her crimped hair that i useed to braid my hair in tiny braids when damp to get that look back then!
I had a crimping machine, like a flat iron but zigzag that my mom used to do my hair with. Daryl Hannah in Splash was my childhood Pisces mermaid idol. Sadly re-watched that film recently with my best friend who also adored it and we both agreed it didn’t hold up. Except for the genius scene at the end where she and Tom Hanks swim to her fabulous underwater city to live happily ever after. Lol. 80’s films.
That lobster crunching scene in Splash is so me. Many laughs!!!! 80’s films were not really about mimicking reality, more of an escape.
I’m Leo rising and I do think of my hair as my superpower 🙂
Sadly I can no longer get about in public with my hair like that image, but I did back in the day…it’s a miracle I have any hair left after what I put it through. I miss the 80s lol
I can completely relate to your letter AAA. I am also approaching my Uranus Opposition in the next couple years.
I work with a lot of people in their mid 20’s and they are all running around dating and screwing everything that moves, constantly moaning and complaining about their experiences and the chaotic upheaval of being crazy in love one week and devastated by a breakup the next. Trying to make headway in their careers and goals and then throwing it all away because this one is The One only to wake up from the lust hangover and realize the fools they’ve been.
When they ask me for advice I always tell them, have fun, have sex but under no circumstances give up ANYTHING that is important to you, your time, your energy, your dignity for anyone else let alone some crush who hasn’t even been in your life for longer than a few months.
When they question me about my single, spinsterhood, I reply that I have never had love/sex/companionship that felt better than my complete freedom of time and personal space.
They tend to look at me with admiration tinged with pity at my lack of sex. I get it, when I was in my 20’s I wanted all the sex too. But now I see what that need and the feeling that I needed to merge with another person to be whole has cost me.
I have spent my entire adult life until now putting off following my dreams (my real dreams, not the goals I thought I should be pursuing because society said), not developing my talents, not growing and learning what I was capable of and gaining the self confidence needed to bring these dreams to fruition. I was too busy trying to build relationships with unworthy men, diminishing myself to be able to meet them where they were at, taking up interests and pursuits that were not mine but theirs or at the very least, just staying stuck in dead end situations to be near them.
I have a 7th house stellium in Pisces (Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus, Eros) but I am done with defining myself by my relationship to another, by my ability to merge with someone and feel the depth of their soul and helping them see what I see in them. It has cost me the ability to see the divinity of my own soul and be powerful in my own right. Now I have to claw all that back.
So yes, my honest advice to anyone who is wondering if love, lust, companionship is worth the effort, my answer is it isn’t. Unless you already have complete ownership and awareness of the true miracle of your own existence and power to the extent that you lose nothing of it by giving it to others.
The people I know who are completely in their own power and following their true dreams don’t sit around asking what to do about dating. They are either radiantly, effervescently single or are in relationships where both parties are using their individual powers to build something meaningful together. For me, now, the only options are 100% self fulfilled, or 100% self fulfilled and in a relationship that doesn’t diminish the first criteria.
Yes!! Hear hear 🙂
This is fantastic Kriblack. Spot on in every way. I only cottoned on to all of this in my early 30s, after spending much time fretting in my 20s over not finding ‘the one’ and not fitting into society’s mould. My god, now I am so thankful I did not ‘find him’, as my life would have been so different.
Society is not happy, but I am xx
Yasssss 🙂
I can totally relate. Post Chiron return I spend a lot of time being agony aunt to my younger colleagues on these very issues. Perhaps it’s the complete lack of oestrogen in my system now but I couldn’t be happier with the degree of autonomy I now have. I spent most of my adult life making a career out of relationships (7th house Pisces sun-Merc-Saturn) and it was a disaster.
I now date the Triple Toro who would like nothing better than to stay in bed all the time. I love the bedwork however it no longer drives me. To me, sex is great but it’s not that interesting. I have far more interesting pursuits that occupy my mind, such as following my dreams and desires that I too put off repeatedly to put various relationships first. Perhaps, it is that I am now with a man who meets my physical needs I am somehow freed up to focus on other things.
To the wonderfully witty and smart Aqua correspondent – I have two words: Cap moon! This is how we are 🙂 I think Saturn was the old ruler of Aquarius too so perhaps you are more Saturnine than you realise.
Yes, this is perfect.
Where is your north node if I may ask?
Libra 2nd house. More relationship emphasis.
I’m still pretty new to astrology but my chart seems to have a lot to do with relationships. I haven’t had many but they have all been long-term and in all of them, even one-sided love for a friend in a relationship, I have put my life on hold to focus on them, become consumed by them, recover for years from them. I’m done with it.
If I never have another relationship again I am fine with that, I am actively avoiding that. I’m taking the 2nd house placement of my north node and interpreting that as becoming self-sufficient in my finances and values. Fully independent and providing all of my material and emotional needs for myself.
People ask me what about loneliness? I can honestly say I’ve never been lonely in my own company in my life. I’ve frequently felt lonely in groups of friends and co-workers, with family or in the company of people I’m romantically involved with.
Ah! Once again, this resonates. Similar trajectory and conclusions I’ve come to in my life.
I also have some Pisces placements — Moon, Mars, MC, Chiron
Wow, I can not agree with this more. I’m living my last year in my 30’s and what resonated with me about your response is this:
“””Unless you already have complete ownership and awareness of the true miracle of your own existence and power to the extent that you lose nothing of it by giving it to others.”””
I’m done with toxic relationships that only lead me to this conclusion. I do not need to learn this lesson over and over. Thank you all for your responses and for PAAA for inquiring. I love this community of emotionally intelligent astro minded souls.
I’ve come to a similar place in my life, kriblack. Thank you for voicing this!
Hey Pilates-Addicted Aqua!
First of all, congratulations on being awesome. Congratulations on creating a life that sustains you and nourishes who you are. Celebrate that.
I think what you’re wondering is, what’s missing? And only you can answer that.
I don’t believe in ‘dating’. I opened Tinder 10 minutes ago & had a similar reaction to you. UGH. With online dating, it’s hard to gauge people’s energy.
I don’t believe in forcing anything either. I think as Mystic says, the options are not appealing to you. I tend to fall in love with friends or fellow artists/ people I meet through work. There’s either a connection or there isn’t.
I guess my suggestion to you would be to focus on what you really want, which I suspect might be a combination of excitement, openness and connection. See where you’re already getting that – & you are, from your fab-sounding friends & cat. Celebrate it!
What do you have on the descendant? That’ll help determine your needs & interests in partnership. I have an Aqua DC & I like weirdos! A LOT. I like my personal space & freedom. Right now I am single and feel like I need to stay that way for a while. But it also explains why I am able to maintain a relatively relaxed attitude to partnership. I just know that it’ll happen when it’s ready, at whichever level I am currently vibrating at. And that’s also why I sympathise so much with that cringe-inducing description of the girlfriend interview. UGH!
So I also think you should consider changing your idea of what ‘dating’ has to look like or consist of… It should be fun & reflect your interests. No need for this formal ‘sex and the city’ style ickiness. It could be hiking or yoguing or whatever sounds good to you.
I wish us both lots of deep connection & happiness!
🙂 xx
Hmmm did not know this re the DC mine in is Pisces 7th ……
so relationship needs are total soul merge, spiritual entity with a smooth skin who loves nothing more than a Sunday afternoon spent deep in an art house cinema or exploring sea pools who lets me be free to follow my instincts and create my space
He sounds lovely, lemme know if you happen upon some kind of eligible mer-tribe out there (my Juno is in Pisces <3)
Wow. I’m so grateful to see others having this experience and speaking it. Especially in ways funny enough to make me snort 🙂 thank you. I feel less alone.
Let me begin by stating that everybody’s intimacy needs are different and people absolutely do rock “happily single” – there is nothing wrong with choosing this. In fact, from my own personal experience I would generally say that Aquarians don’t do intimacy in a traditional sense; friendship and a meeting of the minds, absolutely. But I’ve lovingly joked that their lack of need for physical human contact at times makes me think they’ve actually hatched out of some bizarre alien space egg, LOL.
I realize I am working with scant astrological info but you do reveal that you were born under an Aquarius Sun and Balsamic Moon in Capricorn – this combination is rather hermetic in the sense that it prizes autonomy and self-sufficiency. The visual image I’m seeing is actually one of a Mountain Man alone in a frozen arctic tundra, FWIW; Aquarius often finds itself on the fringes in one respect or another.
It’s the Capricorn Moon that draws my focus, though – this means you’ve either recently had Pluto crossing over it or soon will. What I am wondering is if the perimeter wall around your emotions has perhaps become too extreme? I would ask you to contemplate the following: There is self-sufficiency, and then there is the point where this can turn dysfunctional on us and veer isolationist. Whenever Pluto transits a natal planet, it will tend to bring out the sides of that planet that are compulsive and pathological first so we can dive deep into our own self-healing. While it may be true that you don’t *need* emotional intimacy, is it possible that under the appropriate parameters you might find the complexity of it enriching rather than messy? If Pluto is anywhere near your Moon this may indeed be a fruitful topic to explore via the therapeutic process, looking back the modeling (or lack thereof) in your family-of-origin in particular. My best to you – I’m under the auspices of a lunar-flavored Pluto transit myself so am aware of the internal sludge it can dredge up; especially on the family front.
I think that in western culture women are indoctrinated to see coupledom as a highly desirable—maybe even the most desirable—goal. However, now that women are (oh, so slowly) growing towards financial equality with men, have access to devices, and can buy real estate in their own names, coupledom starts to look like just one in a range of choices. You need male input if you want to create a child, but beyond that, the level of non-public interaction you have to have with a man is up to you. I’m 49, and my last date was when I was in my 20s. First, my mom had ovarian cancer and my emotional energy was invested in helping Dad take care of her for her last couple of years. Then my dad was diagnosed with lymphoma, and I was the only family member for 600 miles, so that was another couple of years of emotional focus. After I finished mourning and thought about dating again, I found myself wondering why I should bother. Dating was 65% boredom and 35% keeping an eye out for potentially abusive behavior. Previously smart, articulate men seemed to lose all conversational ability in a dating context. I have a cat. I have my crew of fellow 40ish–50ish spinsters nearby for drinks, Twin Peaks binge-watching, and an extra hand when the plumbing goes wonky. I have, as the OP mentioned, devices. While I’m not rich, I currently have enough to keep my broadband connection going. I get out and about on long walks, to classical music concerts, to museums, to trivia nights, and occasionally to my favorite bar. If I meet a guy who sparks an interest and asks me out, I might go. And if he manages to stay interesting throughout the first date, there might be more. But I’d rather focus on building the rest of my life than chase someone else’s goal of being a romantic couple.
(Libra sun, Taurus moon, Gemini ascendant, half of everything else in Virgo.)
This is my experience. It may or may not have any relevance to the original poster. But at least it’s another datapoint suggesting that not being interested in a romantic relationship is ok.
I feel like I’m on track to be you 🙂 age 34 and have already surmised that it all really is an option, and also that most of the moments in life which hold the most joy for me are when I’m alone or in nature or hanging out with cats/dogs.
Tried living with three different partners so far, really not a fan. I love space.
I also love nerding out on quantum physics lectures, crocheting, painting, gardening, learning new things and enjoying coffee afternoons with friends. I have absolute no desire to have children and so the traditional relationship structure seems like a bit of a stretch to me really. I get the point of intimacy assisting us to see the parts of ourselves we don’t want to face but friends and family are totally mirrors for that stuff too.
Also… No one fux me as good as I do 😉
There are probably worse fates. 🙂
its no way just “western culture” that emphasises the importance of coupledom for women (in fact its probably the most lenient in that regard)…but totally agree with u re dating being 65% boredom 35% looking out for abusive behaviour 😀 :-D.
I have a variation on the “3 date” rule i.e.. so long as they’re not obviously psycho/super sleaze material they get 3 shots. That’s based on the assumption that they are probably humans and probably prone to presenting the worst of themselves/acting like a dick due to nerves.
I know I do – the number of times I have listened with horror to something devastatingly rude or offensive, which I do not hold with in any way, pop out of my mouth when hoping to impress someone is baffling (multi-Sagg foot in mouth syndrome).
I’ve made some really good friends (and one long term romance) that way. Turned out they were really nice once I made it clear that I had no compunctions about punching their head off their shoulders if not treated with due respect and absolutely no intention of bedding them until at least 3 months sustained interest had been shown (Uranus sq. Venus – definitely no fuqs given re. “appropriate” feminine behaviour). That said I’m single – but that’s because I like it (that Uranus/Venus thingy again) 😀
I expect you’re right, re: not just western cultures. But I don’t have a deep enough experience with non-western ones to speak for them.
If I found myself thinking longingly about how I could be reading a book at home during the first date, it became the last date, too. Life’s too short to be unnecessarily bored.
yeh, i gotta agree w u there!
I think one of the things you are super lucky with is having that tribe of 40-50 y.o.s with similar lifestyles to yourself to share time with. I envy you. A lot of women don’t have access to this. And its not as simple as ‘get out there’.
I found as I got into my late 30’s, all my friends who were married (most of them) only wanted to hang out with other marrieds. (Don’t ask me why before late 30s the married couples with no kids were ok with hanging out with other singles…its like hit mid-30’s something weird happens…
several bloggers have suspected that the women in those marriages become paranoid about ‘poaching’.)
And the married with kids only wanted to hang out with other mommies. Its a bleak landscape for us single women with no tribe.
That pretty much left 20 (up to maybe early 30’s) y.o.s that i have nothing in common with and seniors (+mid 50 y.o. and up) to hang with.
And that is exactly who i started hanging with, because much like high school, I get stuck in the fringe crowds. The youngsters look up to me like a cool grandma type as they teach me their asexual and politically correct ways and geek out over daleks or comics while the seniors remind me that I am still young and bring a lot of brightness to their lives as we strum our ukuleles.
Fuck people in my own age group with an un-sanded oleander stick. 🙁 I miss my peer group but don’t want to be treated like a potential poacher or not smart enough to hang with women who have children. Slowly the true friends who have had kids earlier…and now the kids are teens…or the newly divorced-and-never-marrying-agains are finally finding time to come hang with me again. I’m not holding my breath though. I find it odd these women have these ridiculous romantic notions of how awesome my life must be with all this FREEDOM. 🙁 Um…too much freedom is the same thing as being abandoned and unwanted. I’m an introvert who needs daily alone time, but alone time every day, unending with no one to talk to or interact with in a deep manner is a prison. It’s not freedom. It’s only freedom if it is voluntary (not forced) and you can end it any time. I don’t get to split health insurance with a partner or get financial help with rent when shit goes crazy.
Yep I get a fair bit of this, I am fortunate that my friends and I have generally gotten together without partners so if you’re single it’s not a thing
That group has shrunk over the years but as I have a twin who is a mother I believe I have kept more in touch with some due to her
My ability to put up with bs post Uranian opps during the ZZ + early peri menopausal fun and games + short abusive marriage / divorce + instability and causalisation of employment it’s no wonder I bunkered down and remained single
I realised each breakup has derailed me and the crushes can be crushing my 12th H Venus square Moon Neptune conjunction is REAL.
My fantasy romances with workmates wasn’t just in my imagination – stroking and hand touches were sweet but I never want to be a bit on the side
I tried internet dating (how I met my ex husband…) and tinder for literally 5min before the
You are lucky indeed! Female (non-romantic) friendships are a cornerstone for a lot of us. I am surprised at how rare they are despite media blitzes about girl squads and shit. We can go out to any Walmart and purchase some BFF gear and yes, we are better off than men who also suffer shortages of deep friendships…..but still..
I remember reading somewhere that the cure for patriarchy is not matriarchy but fraternity/sorority (not in the college sense).
Do you remember where you read it? This sounds like enlightened reading material.
It is true so far in my experience, and my friendships with men are often judged by partnered women and men from the perspective of trad hetero patriarchal who-will-look-after-you-is-it-this-guy-don’t-you-see-it-right-in-front-of-you type attitudes. It has taken so long to respond to questions and assumptions driven by those attitudes. Sometimes it’s just No, sometimes it’s a question back from me. Mostly, it’s just carrying on with my friendship, without letting the assumptions hamper me or my friends. But I know it’s more difficult for male het friends because the paradigm of openly questioning what your gender is allowed isn’t released yet for them.
omg – “fuk …..with an unsanded oleander stick”- that is the funniest thing I’ve read in ages !!!!
Oh, yes, the tribe makes my life far better than it could be. I met half of them through a feminist bookgroup and half through deeply nerdy pursuits—we knew each other through friends of friends and ended up getting together to watch SF and fantasy tv shows. Now I live in an apartment complex with three of them and I’m traveling with another in August.
If I were starting over again in a new area (which might happen, depending on things), I’d probably try starting another feminist book group (perhaps with a nerdy focus) and see what connections I could make.
On Point Calli G… I agree. Different scenario for me but right now why even bother. The dating scene is not that easy. And with me taking care of myself since I was 12 years old “which male would feel comfortable in my life” know he can’t do much except…. y’know… It honestly baffles me that men want to find a full on committed relationship at age 50+. Too much baggage. But I do have friends who have found their loves of their lives… Happy for them… but I just don’t see it which means that is why I can’t find anyone. The men I meet know that..
Great post…
Virgo Sun, Libra Rising, Leo Moon
Link to Emma Magenta tweet (and artwork) I was referring to above. xx
https://twitter.com/brainpornninja/status/883860622600937472
She is brilliant. Thank you for the share!! I have a new love.
🙂 xx
Genuinely in awe that people still believe in romantic love. Have been so very disillusioned
with people, and not just on the love front.
Loved your letter, Pilates-Addicted Aquarius Accountant – and understand where you are coming from. This part made me LAUGH:
“really good book in bed with cat, comfy hemp t-shirt, superior skin serum on and ultrasonic aromatherapy diffuser OR in a bar booth in alignment fuqing heels being interviewed for a girlfriend position by proving my monologue listening skills?”
That is indeed the choice. And my god, how eloquently you put it! Thank you.
Keep an open mind to lurrrrrve as only Aquas can but don’t ‘force’ the internet dating if your accounting software feels more exciting (boy, can I relate).
Beyond that, I can’t really give any spectacular tips or advice seeing that, for me, romantic relationships are the opposite of my superpowers. Genuinely am a better person when on my own, you will know what your history is.
What gets to me about relationships is having to hang out with boyfriend’s friends and family, or doing what he wants to do sometimes.
I just want to do my own thing, and lucky enough that I can.
Do you follow Emma Magenta on Twitter? She’s this brilliant writer and artist who puts a lot of things into perspective.
One recent artwork was captioned: “tfw u r super self contained, grounded in self love and u can feel a new relationship approaching u to fix that shit”
🙂
That is why cats and books etc. are GOOD.
Wishing you so much luck and courage and insight and getting what you want+need. Steer clear of the guys who don’t level in at your standards of substance.
xx