The Capricorn Protein Powder Sales Guy

The staff at the health food store in my mall are not usually super-motivated, but I just encountered the Capricorn Protein Powder Sales Guy.

First, he delivered a brilliant dissertation on the power of protein (the word is Greek word for Life, it feeds hair follicles, builds muscle, and regenerates brainpower) and why it would work out cheaper if I purchased a metric tonne of it.

He then made some scarily accurate assessments of my needs based on a lifestyle-purchasing matrix and said to come back any time during working hours as he was there “seven days a week and often after hours.”Β  I asked if he ever took a day off, and he said he didn’t believe in them. “That’s when illness, dementia, or even insanity kick in. The body can’t handle it. Whenever I’ve had a day off, I have always gotten ill.”

So I asked his sign, and he said, “Christmas Day, which I prefer, as a matter of fact, because people don’t make too much fuss and I don’t have to waste time celebrating. I send out a present list in early December, slightly adjusted to allow for it being both a Christmas and a Birthday gift.”

He had cheekbones; he had goal-setting software on his laptop to work on in his lunch hour. He’d saved a lot of time since giving up meals in favor of a “food system that provides all the necessary nutrients…no more guesswork.”Β  He said half an hour with a calculator and a spreadsheet could change anyone’s life more effectively than meditation or church. Although, he conceded, church was good for networking, if you were a politician or in real estate.

The Capricorn Protein Powder Sales Guy is 21.Β  Do Caps come any more old school than this?

Oh, and the tip he gave me to have protein powder with water not milk, or even oat milk, works really well.

66 thoughts on “The Capricorn Protein Powder Sales Guy”

  1. OMG! I just want to slap him out of it!

    Doesn’t old mate know that there’s a fantastic world out there to be lived in and experienced? Life’s too short for spreadsheets … why live longer or healthier if you’re not having fun? And no, I’m not going to buy that spreadsheets are fun πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜€

    (Virgo Sun in 12th House, Pisces Moon, no planets in Capricorn 4th House)

  2. Prowln Scissor Claws

    Reminds me of Madam Lash … aka the Virgo personal trainer. All this fibre and green stuff added to some protein shake and no foods allowed that didn’t supply “enriched high quality nutrients for the body”. Apparently cake and pudding does not fit into that regime. I find it terribly depressing. Who wants to live for a long time on a diet of green rabbit food shakes and endless thigh squats?

    1. Glad you’re still here Prowln – your experiences of self improvement last year gave me the kick in the pants I needed to make some changes. Air hugs from the east coast.

      1. Prowln Scissor Claws

        she rang me today!! Madam Lash that is … in all seriousness she is a fabulous personal trainer and I really liked her except for the green rabbit food shakes bit … didn’t have the heart to say ummm “I’m on the carbs, boeuf bourguignon and doona regime at the mo’ hon”.

  3. Oh but also you can add them to any meals, & salads, whatever.
    And my dogs look & feel fabulous for it πŸ™‚

  4. Well Virgolicious, I had similar thing with getting the chia down initially; I visualised as custard lol, which worked, but now I don’t leave them for long enough to completely gel; though that maximises their value.. .
    I put my coupla tablespoons in a big glass, add a good belt of hi-qual apple cider vinegar, water to 3/4 full, and stir for several minutes till seeds are all properly suspended & magically swirling around. Then I just drink it all down quickly. Scull scull scull πŸ™‚
    We’ve also just started with taking bentonite clay. It’s supposed to suck up all the stored toxins, including (biggest claim) heavy metals & such. Be nice if it does.

    1. Thanks for the tips – tried a tentative couple of teaspoons today with your method. Fame, beauty and happiness will be just around the corner, yes?!

  5. WE Capricorn’s Get younger as we get older. I can relate to this Guy. Age and Time do Something to You. I feel lke I am having the childhood I never had.
    I realized recently that I am Not My work. That was a hard one.
    I am Taking the Mornings off this summer and going to the yoga studio and gym.
    I have Traveled more this year than any other time .
    I am Studying Ayurveda Medicine and Cooking. I love to learn new things.I still work but am pacing myself.I realize that my Grandkids are not going to be this wonderful age of innocence . Along With both Daughters spending more time with them. I am in a Good Place.
    It is hard to relax when your a Capricorn. Capricorn’s stop only when they are exhausted .

    1. Equilibrium Girl (nee Stress Princess)

      Good for you, ale! Sounds like you’ve got a fantastic plan going on. Out with the old Cap, in with the wise, happy, RELAXED new you!

  6. year of the fox

    When a skinny Cap gives you a diet tip, rest assured it will work, but will it be good for you is another question. Many of my fave skinny Caps think starvation and smoking cigs is a good diet plan. I prefer to listen to my Virgos instead. hahah!

    1. Cap sister lived on salads & Ford pills and endless hours at the gym. She’s paying for it with her health years later. Cap girlfriend spent the 90’s diet of sweet chilli sauce & cheese, bourbon & a variety of roll your owns.

      People that are that regimented with their time & effort like Mr Protein fascinate & bore me at the same time.

  7. It sounds like he and I were born the same day… I’m 21 as of last Christmas Day.
    that Cap sounds too accurate.

  8. It’s rubbish. And too much protein is carcinogenic. Fact.
    I would so NOT enjoy the lack of digestive process.
    Why not just get into the chia seeds, they are truly excellent; major factor in curing my depression of 16 years, gave me energy, clear head, priceless study aid, just a fabulous complete alive incredible food. Changed my life. True!
    ..and drink LOTS of good water.

    As Michael Pollen says:
    “Eat food.
    Not too much.
    Mostly plants”

    1. That’s some wrap scorpylizzy! But how do you get them down? They’re so slimy!

      I’m all for getting more of them into my system but baulk at the texture, so any tips gratefully received (it’s these sort of life tips that keep me coming back here every day – I have made some massive and life altering changes based on the experiences of folks here!).

      1. me too virg. Chia is a little creepy for me. Give me a canter by the river any day as a quik fix. Us Leo’s have got to get some serious air in the hair time.

  9. hahahahahahaha….. thats ridiculous!!!!! MM I think you got cornered by a pyramid selling capitalist guru, or at least one in the making!

  10. you know there’s some things that I find amusing and maybe even attractive about the thought of that cap but have you ever smelled the farts that shit gives you? They are devilish those farts.

  11. “half an hour with a calculator and a spreadsheet could change anyone’s life more effectively than meditation or church” That’s very funny!!

    Not that the urges present by Capricorn PPS Guy aren’t genuine Cappy style, but I meet young people nowadays who are sooooo sophisticated like I wasn’t and I keep wondering if they know what they really think?

    The reason I wonder is that I spent 2000 to 2006 on a beach far, far away from reality. I noticed something weird about some of my friends when I returned. They were all plugged into the internet and some were accessing vast amounts of info, quips, etc. and passing off this stuff in conversation like they had just thought it up. Maybe this generation has an almost automatic ability to appropriate a mask which just a pastiche of modern culture?

    Capricorn Boy sounds like a work of art – too cool for old school! Now I have a little Cappy boy so I will look forward to being spreadsheeted in the not too distant future.. πŸ™‚

  12. o with cap rising i cannot claim such heights of work-o-filia !! i wish !? I’m a worker for sure.. but must have days off

  13. Equilibrium Girl (nee Stress Princess)

    Ooh, I love him! So motivated, so ambitious. As a Cap sun/ merc/ venus, I totally get the “anti-day off” thing. Whenever I finish a big project, I always get sick. My body just goes “what? No more constant slog? Welll, flu for you, Missy.” And I don’t believe in weekends or public holidays. Work when the inspiration hits. Which is often. But I work from home doing create stuff so I guess that’s a little easier to accommodate.

    This guy sounds like a legend. I was all go go go and crazy ambitious but after about 25ish, maybe a bit later – heck, maybe it was even more my my saturn return – I became more homey and nuturey and “ooh, life is about joy and appreciating each moment” like my Kataka moon.

    So now I’m half ambitious career nazi, half homey gardening nurturing emo gal. (And that makes me sound about 80. I’m not. I’m still a 30-something!)

    For me, the strong Cap traits were boldest when young. This boy is 21 but will do a big changeroony when he gets Saturn returning kicking his butt for being such a loony work cyborg, I bet πŸ˜‰

    1. Equilibrium Girl (nee Stress Princess)

      I meant “creative stuff” not “create stuff.” That’ll teach me to get off the computer and stop working on a Friday night!!!

    2. scorpalicious robot

      I would agree with that theory EG. I was insanely ambitious when i was young, well into my 20’s and late 30’s. I finally let it go a few years ago when a job i had for six years almost destroyed me. Now my only ambition is to be happy. πŸ™‚

      Cap rising.

      1. well i have no Cap, but a lot of saturn, and I would say that the reason your (and mine) body just goes β€œwhat? No more constant slog? Welll, flu for you, Missy” is because you have flogged the hell out of it and its tired, worn out and needs a rest.
        Not necc a good thing.

      2. Uranian&Plutonic Virgo

        Itawy there, shell; it’s the body’s way of saying ‘whoa there!’

      3. Prowln Scissor Claws

        the best thing I ever did was let myself off the hook of corporate clock time. People underestimate how unhealthy those office blocks are – cheap airconditioning not cleaned properly that spread disease, no proper sunlight or oxygen. I remember when I worked in one and it didn’t matter how healthy I kept my personal regime I always caught the latest flu or bug that was going around – and so did everyone else. It’s not just about diet. It’s about unhealthy, congested living environments.

      4. Prowln Scissor Claws

        ps. it’s also not sane or healthy to wake up at 6am to and hurry to work in the winter when it’s cold and raining. That’s an industrial revolution invention. It’s also not healthy to be awake at 3pm when the body is naturally wanted some down time. The Mediterraneans are far more sane about natural rhythms and incorporate afternoon nap or “siesta” … it’s capitalism that wrecks havoc on our natural systems.

  14. Ok, well I’ve been hanging around this blog for months now and still really know very little about the intricacies of astrology, despite reading everyone’s words of wisdom. I’m seriously so not like any of the capricorns or their typical traits I see discussed here. Am trying to learn, but am beginning to suffer from some sort of astrological identity crisis I think πŸ™‚ Me and money? Earn it and spend it pretty darn quickly and impulsively really, and absolutely nothing this guy said resonates with me at all. Maybe if he was spruiking about the wonders of a chocolate only diet it would grab my attention…

  15. no no no no – you guys are all missing the point of the post – how much of the stuff did you buy mystic πŸ™‚

    1. Oh shite! Lest I offend any of the lovely Katakas here… i meant careful with $$. (disclaimer – I have Moon/Mars and loads in Kataka btw)

      1. And what about Virgos? They’re v e r y cautious with $. Ok I’m shutting up now!

      2. We virgoans are quite frugal, often because all of our money is budgeted away before we even get it (at least in my case)!

      3. Uranian&Plutonic Virgo

        ff, this Virgo sun is conflicted coz she has Leo Venus. The initial caution is there, but the dam has burst on more than one occasion. Teehee…..

      1. no honey he has a problem with libras stalking him that’s why you’re thinking that – his birthdate is part of his nom d

  16. Wish this calculated protien powder was around earlier
    when i used to think buying, preparing & cooking food was
    time consuming & unaware of my Cap rising.
    Ahhh the energy of supreme motivated YOUTH…….
    My soups contain all the nourishment i need.
    And the glass of Sav Blanc whilst preparing it now suits me
    just fine.

  17. I remember a quip from a nutritionist about those protein powders, he thought people were eating too much protein already and said, “just how much hair can you grow at any one time?”

  18. Doesn’t sound like long romps in bed with this guy are in order, or does he set the timer, get out the spreadsheet and compare statistics? BORING…….

    My Pisces rising just wants to shake this guy and tell him to just let go and have some fun

  19. omg that’s hilarious! I want to meet him! He sounds great.
    And i kind of agree with him on the work/day off idea. but that could be my moon in virgo…

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