The Non-Drinking Neptunian

Hi. My name is Rebecca, and I’m a non-drinking Neptunian*. And while no one had ever referred to me as an alcoholic (at least not to my face!), I certainly had an inkling that something wasn’t right with my relationship with alcohol. And although I am sure I swore off drinking many times before I starting reading Tarot cards, it was there that my journey began.

You see, I couldn’t be an alcoholic. I had spent much of my twenties drinking far more than I should — those were the college years after all — and had retired from that hard-drinking, fast-moving club scene. I’d moved on to wine tasting, whiskey sampling and book clubs with tasteful appetizers and rotating designated drivers — alcoholics couldn’t be designated drivers, right?

I was a responsible drinker now, never having more than a few drinks (except the few times a year I “let loose”), almost always controlling my intake — certainly a wino in the streets didn’t count their drinks!

If you asked anyone who knew me, I was successful at most everything: cooking, cleaning, writing, knitting, hiking, traveling and whatever else I decided to take on that particular month. But if you asked me, I knew something no one else did: I wanted more booze. The only thing that stopped me from drinking to oblivion was the fact that it wasn’t socially acceptable.

But the Tarot knew it. Every single time I did a reading, Temperance would sit in front of me. And I would curse the card; I hated Temperance. I saw it as a synonym for moderation, which for me was simply a cross I had to bear.

Why was moderation so easy for some people? Why was it that my husband could leave a beer unfinished while I had to empty the last of the wine bottle because well, you just can’t leave that little amount in there, can you? I didn’t understand those folks that would have one drink, nurse it all night and then leave some of it on the table. I never left a drink unfinished. It simply was not done, and if I’m honest, I often thought of my next drink before the one in my hand was half-finished.

So every turn-up of Temperance strengthened my resolve: I would make another rule for myself, and later I would create another loophole.

  • I won’t drink on weeknights. Is Sunday a weeknight really?
  • I will only have two glasses of wine a night. I bought new wine glasses that you could practically empty a bottle into.
  • I wouldn’t drink before dinner. Unless it was a bloody mary. Who has bloody maries in the evening?
  • I abstained for thirty days and liked sobriety, deciding to stick with it, but caved on my birthday. Who stays sober for their birthday?

It was around that birthday that a new set caught my eye in an old esoteric bookshop in northern California. Called the Druid Craft Tarot, it incorporated a lot of symbolism that meant more to me and made more sense than the deck I had before. I had been christened a witch by an old Welsh woman, after all. My family name suggested an English history. Why not embrace that side of my past a bit more fully?

As I sat looking through the cards at home (sipping on some wine of course!) I noticed some significant differences in the deck. The Devil was renamed Cernunnos, which I appreciated coming from a very Christian background.

The Empress and Emperor were the Lord and the Lady. But most notably was Temperance — it had morphed into The Fferyllt, a druid alchemist who combines fire and water to create balance and transformation. She stands in front of her cauldron with a besom propped against the wall and herbs drying around her.

She looked a bit like a hedgewitch. And according to the suggested interpretation, turning this card over in a reading indicated a fluency between worlds, creativity, harmony, peace, alchemy and magic. These words resonated in a way that balance, moderation, patience, purpose, meaning — what I associated with the interpretation of Temperance — never did.

After that I moved fully into my Druid roots and The Fferyllt would come up as loyally as Temperance ever did. But to me there was something different about her. I wanted magic and to find fluency between the worlds.

These promises were more my style, more in tune with the forest-dwelling, creative and emotional lady I was. Temperance had felt so patriarchal. Slowly the idea of leaving behind alcohol crept into my mind and while AA felt stoic and final, I gave it a try. I felt the Fferyllt urging me on.

While some of us are able to moderate, to be temperate, that is not the goal. The goal is to find what brings us peace, what helps us create and find harmony within ourselves. The goal is to be our own alchemist, figuring out how much fire and water we ourselves need. Because there is no one-size-fits-all recipe when it comes to alcohol (or firewater, if you’re so inclined).

After three-plus years without it, each year more lucid and beautiful, more magical in ways I cannot describe aptly even as a writer, I realized that my Neptune nature doesn’t need firewater.

As much as the world had convinced me that artists must be drunks, as much as I had convinced myself that my best tarot readings came when I was buzzed, these were lies. The truth came from that place inside me where no lie can ever live: I am a non-drinking Neptunian and an alchemist of my soul.

* Neptune people (Pisces + Neptune influences strong in their astral) are classically more likely to seek transcendence in both spiritual and not-so-spiritual outlets. It’s explored more here.  And yes, depending on where/how it falls in your Tarot, Temperance often means it is time to give something damaging or draining up. To gain the simple peace of more moderate living. Pay attention to repeat cards!

Image: Remedios Varo 

80 thoughts on “The Non-Drinking Neptunian”

  1. Michael Howell

    Wow, thank you so much for sharing your experiences <3 I, myself, am a devoted Neptunian spirit at a distance from all experience-altering substances.

  2. Thanks Rebecca – so resonant. I too am a writer, super-neptunian and ran out of moderation strategies in September last year. I always believed wine was my ‘magic juice’ – despite Mystic actually doing a reading for me and telling me point blank to be careful of it due to a Neptune/moon thing. But it wasn’t magic. It was the ‘other’ thing. Anyway, stone cold sober since October 1 last year and on my fourth re-write of my first novel as a result. So congrats on 3 years. Seriously. I still find myself lured by the false poetry it offers sometimes…but it is just that: false. xx

    1. LucidNeptunianSurrealist

      Wow that is awesome you quit and are doing so much writing. Nice! Work it girl! Sober writers can be good writers too 🙂

      1. Thanks honey. Yes I gave it a lot of thought (my writing has, according to editor, gotten better, not worse since getting sober), and I am pretty sure that it is not that alcohol is necessary for writing well – it is just that to write a novel you have to be a bit obsessive. As a writer you definitely are. No sane person tries that shit at home. And that tends to lend itself to being obsessive in all areas of life. But I figure, Stephen King is sober. He does okay… Thanks so much for the support xx

    2. Think of it like this … drugs and alcohol provide a photocopy of what true connection to spirit is like. It’s a facsimile. And if you got nothing else of course you’re going to be drawn to it because spirit is yearning for some kind of connection and freedom from these earthly bonds.

      Spiritual connection sans drugs/alcohol is hard work. Feeling feelings. Being humble. Swallowing pride. Setting ego aside for the greater good.

      It can be quite overwhelming …

      1. Thanks – yes, it is the wandering through life with no anaesthesia that is the most terrifying! But I once you get used to the discomfort it yields all sorts of results. And clarity. I do find I am less sentimental in my writing though…however as the genre is psychological thriller I am not sure that is a prob. Do you write? xx

  3. I have Sun, Mercury and South Node in Pisces and I beg to differ with the view that Piscean/Neptunian people are inclined to substance abuse and alcohol. I have never smoked in my life and am allergic to smoke and can’t stand it when people near me smoke and think it’s okay to do so. I have never been attracted to alcohol, apart from a little bit of drinking while at University (the non-neptunians I knew, were drinking like fish and smoking whatever they could find, also sleeping with whoever they could find). I have not touched alcohol in 4 years and have no inclination towards it and do not feel like I’m missing out on anything and in fact think that those who choose to booze and smoke every opportunity they get are digging their own graves and asking for health problems. I do not drink caffeine, follow a gluten and sugar free diet and am far more disciplined than any Virgo I know. I believe this is due to my Saturn being in Virgo (8th House), it’s also conjunct North Node which is in Virgo (I am supposed to adopt Virgo ways in this life and leave my South Node Pisces behind). So, every Pisces is not a drug addict nor an alcohol, nor depressed, nor addicted to prescription drugs – it depends on other planetary placements in their chart, especially the North Node sign, despite having a stellium in Pisces – I don’t neglect my responsibilities, neither have I joined a cult, nor do I disappear on people, yes I have been conned of money but have learnt my lesson, I do attract alcoholics and people with too many problems, but I don’t get dragged into their problems anymore, I have learnt how to maintain boundaries – it’s tricky, especially with Neptune being in Pisces, but can be done – where there is a will there is a way and it’s up to you to resist any energies that could lure you. You can channel these energies towards a positive place – I do feel drawn to other-worldy things and want those experiences but have never been drawn to negative expressions of it (Moon in Sagittarius, Cap rising) – I instead read lots of books and drown myself in those when I have the urge to escape, books about spirituality, past life regression, even life after death. I recommend Dr. Brian Weiss’s books for anyone who’s struggling with any aspect in life.

  4. Are you inside my head, my heart?
    Piscean Neptunian cocktail over here…too partial to the firewater.

    I, too, have been mulling this relationship over and conclude over and over that it’s time to stop. Even found a message I wrote to someone YEARS ago the other day that simply stated “I’m going to stop drinking again. Alcohol makes me crazy.”

    I’ve taken many a hiatus but the hunger never ends. I have the unfortunate talent of also being able to handle my liquor very well, strange for such a small person. But it sneaks around inside you when you’re not paying attention, getting hungrier and hungrier.
    I stopped again nearly 2 weeks ago. May reading this give me the resolve I need to stay sober – because I want to taste the divine, really and truly. With my whole self.

    1. LucidNeptunianSurrealist

      I know that ability to handle liquor well. Most people had NO idea how drunk I was until they paid very close attention to me. At least that is what I told myself. Ha! Who knows if that was true. Anyhow, hang in there! The first 30 days can be tough at times but you”re through the worst. And seek out other people who know what you”re going through. It will help. Blogs, AA, online communities, whatever. It will help. HUGS!

  5. This is SO great! Fun to read and I recognise myself in all those excuses atm as I bought a pack of cigarettes to smoke just ONE at the funeral of a loved one recently… but darn if there isn’t a good drama every other day that makes it an idea to take one more from that packet. Thanks for this.

    1. LucidNeptunianSurrealist

      Uggghh smoking is SO hard to quit! I felt like it was harder for me than quitting drinking. My heart is with you <3

  6. I have a feeling this is a post I will come back to time and time again. Thank you for sharing! Glad you found your peace.

  7. I love that image. And you’re right- the concentration on her face – what she’s doing seems more specific and fine tuned than Temperance with her smug sloshing between cups. Like it’s ever that simple.

  8. Wow, wow, WOW! This beautiful writing and the timeliness of it as well…. This topic has really been UP for me recently!
    Me: Natal Pisces Moon being transited by Neptune. Natal Mars/MC, Chiron (and Bacchus!) in Pisces too… Natal Neptune in Scorp in the 5th exact trine natal Chiron..
    About to have my Chiron return…in Pisces….and so forth….

    Thank you, Rebecca, you are an angel messenger —at least for me right now, so please know that through your own transformation and healing, you are helping others. Thank you for this gift!

    I’ve been observing and evaluating my relationship with alcohol over the past couple years, and trying to find the happy medium, and wondering if there is one. Occasionally I can be moderate, but mostly not….. I don’t drink regularly, but when I do, I tend to really tie one on….

    Also, I have the spectre of my mother’s alcoholism standing over my shoulder every time I drink or think about drinking. That ancestry thing is standing right there…. My mother is still alive, and 18 years sober through AA, but the damage was done when we were young as that is when she drank…..My brother got sober at age 23 and has been sober 20+ years now. Alcohol is not a ‘light’ topic in our family, to say the least…. I feel guilty when I drink, because my family doesn’t know that I do. I rarely see them, and just simply don’t drink around them.
    Pondering my ancestry……how is it that 3 out of the 4 people in my immediate family are alcoholics?! Me, my brother, and my mom……my dad doesn’t really drink, maybe a glass of wine at a function here and there, not really a drinker…

    What you said here really helped me:
    ‘While some of us are able to moderate, to be temperate, that is not the goal. The goal is to find what brings us peace, what helps us create and find harmony within ourselves. The goal is to be our own alchemist, figuring out how much fire and water we ourselves need. Because there is no one-size-fits-all recipe when it comes to alcohol (or firewater, if you’re so inclined).’

    Everyone does need to find their own way and their own peace with it, even with support.
    For me, I’d like to find out if I could drink moderately all the time, because sometimes I can. This past weekend I was at a party and only had two beers the whole time, with no desire for any more than that. And then sometimes I can’t stop….
    This is a hard-drinking city, so it’s just everywhere and at every gathering, small or large, casual or otherwise. There is no pressure to drink, but it’s just so damn in your face all the time, it creeps up on you when you look back over the last month and realize how many times you’ve had a drink…..or ten….

    It’s dangerous for me, too, as my body has a low tolerance for alcohol. I’m pretty much trashed at three drinks, and can black out just from that. As well, I get wicked hangovers, where I can wake up feeling quite suicidal from them, too, and lose a whole day being sick..
    Because of all this, I often ask myself….why the hell do I do this? I’m very hard on myself about it, but after reading your post, you’ve given me a way to compassionately have a dialog with myself and just lovingly explore what is going on there for me.

    I love the work of Dr. Gabor Mate. He really has a compassionate and wise understanding of addiction. He really gets it, and he looks at what is underlying the addictive behavior, not focusing on the substance of choice. His words are so healing to me. I’m sure many of you know of him already, but if not, do check out his talks and interviews. His words helped me make peace with how I feel about my alcoholic mother and how I feel about my own drinking.

    Peace to everyone here… xx

    1. Yes! I love Dr. Gabor Mate. He is so soothing to listen to, he totally gets it. I understand that alcoholism can be genetic but at the same time it’s disturbing how many coping mechanisms we need as a society just to get by.

      Peace to you too! xx

    2. LucidNeptunianSurrealist

      I think you hit the nail on the head when you talk about compassion. It starts with being nice to yourself. I am glad my post resonated so much with you. I hope you can find a way to have a better relationship with yourself and with alcohol. And check out my blog if you want. There are tons of resources on there and I list other bloggers as well who have some really great ideas. (

      Even if you’re not up to quitting, it”s good to know you are not alone. HUGS my dear!

  9. Thanks for sharing your story with us, Rebecca.
    I think it illustrates perfectly what have I come to think Saturn square Neptune and Jupiter in Virgo are about: some harsh bubble-bursting, yes, but also letting go of controlling ways/asceticism/hollier-than-thou ideals that only promote further compulsion. And much as being apollonian admirable, becoming comfortable with our dionysian ways and working their flows fundamental, I think. Glad to see one more person being successful at it.

    Peaceful and functional is the way to go! 🙂

    (maybe this comes across as too much “acknowledge you shadow and hold hands with it” but can’t help it with natal Saturn square Pluto, hehe)

    1. Yes thank you I completely concur; being sanctimonious is not working with the energy that is there; transmuting this neptunian vibe is also a beautiful opportunity, as one health practitioner helped me…people can actually extend, move their life forward safely and healthily through this.

  10. Scorpio_Rising

    I’m heavily influenced by Neptune and Pluto, if I imbibe I chose my drink wisely and only at social (happy) events.
    I do not drink when I’m sad, mad or depressed. I stop right at that happy bubbly vibe and let it slide away with no instant hangover. I finally found my happy medium.
    If I drink too heavily my dark Plutonian qualities start to dwell on dark topics esp past midnight. I’m just not ok with dwelling in a drunken trance on depressing topics anymore. The booze makes everything seem much more fatal and final.
    cheers to you on your quest for a happy medium.

    1. LucidNeptunianSurrealist

      Thank you! I think you are very right about choosing your times to drink wisely. There are definitely ways to understand how your mind and body react to different chemicals. And we are all so different — what works for one won”t do anything for the other.

  11. omg im having my antares return! sorry, theres nowhere else to say this!
    do feel like bingeing out on alcohol sometimes…although i stayed sober last saturday night AT the pub.
    not easy when u have jupiter-pan.

  12. Also that picture on the bottom makes me giggle a little. I feel like that owl is going to fly over head and convoluted with her dress edge and end up giving her a wedgie. Or worse, the dress will act like a cartoon spring bouncing her back towards the owl!

  13. Great post. Being our own alchemist… I dig it.

    I have severe issues with conformity and the constant barrage of symbols and corporate myths that have become gospel. They are completely damaging our collective abilities to find and be those inner realities. My Neptune downfall is escaping within myself, zoning out emotionally and otherwise in order to protect myself. It felt safe but at the same time I was actualizing absolutely nothing and just feeling rotten and sad. So glad to be coming out of that hole.

    1. LucidNeptunianSurrealist

      Oh man I totally get that escaping within yourself. Hang in there and find something that works for you — some sort of “constructive” escape?

  14. I’m a fair amount Neptunian myself but I have never been into alcohol although my family history is littered with alcoholism. I have the gene for it even but it didnt manifest that way. Possibly because my sister and i started drinking at 10, watered down wine at dinners and always had safe access at home. It seemed boring and uninteresting.
    It is always what is locked away and rare that attracts. So i have found myself in weird addictive eating cycles and bad relationships instead. Just as destructive as alcohol but not a lot of sympathy for it.

    But yes, you go you alchemical girl!

  15. Sing it sister.
    I’m a substance free sun neptune midheaven conjunction in scorpio. I have always wanted to kiss the feet of God. What a blessing to be able to develop a practice for doing just that beyond the veil of drugs and alcohol. Yes I needed a fellowship to do it, but my heart has grown and I can hold so much love now. Thanks for your lovely post.

    1. Me too..18 Scorpio Neptune close to but out of orb of MC. Had a very successful drinking career and then retired..wish I had the 401K to go with that lol.

      Since getting sober I’m so much more sensitive in every way. Feelings (sensory, emotion, tactile) became far more magnified (the sex is I’m really really amazing now). Had I known just how much better life is sober I would never had a first drink.

      Oddly the dreams came back and the richness of feeling and imagination grew stronger.

      Here might be my lesson for Saturn square Neptune and Neprune conjunct natal Saturn in Pisces and my Chiron return (and south node to put the coda to its final Fine in Pisces to boot)…My lesson is my structure and reality is housed in Creativity and Vision. That Creative expansive vision is an illusion if I don’t build something with it. Many illusions were wiped clean (and Pluto in my 12th house too) during this transit…much more episodes to come as Neptune heads to my Saturn then stations direct over it again in months from now..can’t wait till the SN meets Neptune on my Saturn! Wonder what comes with that) the discovery and recovery of power freely given away, boundaries invaded and trampled on…this transit, this Neptune is actually shining.light on these…and as it does, the illusion of security is giving way. I must be my own Sorcerer, my own Counselor, my own Wise Woman instead of seeking strength from outside distractions.

      And of course it’s all in my 2nd house.

      So yep…Neptune seems to be bringing me clarity as it wipes the jackasseeries off my life screen. Sobriety can be a drug..

      1. LucidNeptunianSurrealist

        I wonder if I would have never taken a drink if I knew now what I didn’t know then…it is so hard to say because I really value all these lessons I learned and I feel like it helps me be more empathetic. On the other hand, GOOD LORD the bad decisions!!! And the terrible relationships. And it certainly wasn’t easy to quit. That is a tough question …

      2. Thw gift of being a drunk for me is that I learned to be bold and become a little wild. My parents were so oppressive I needed to redefine myself and become more assertive. Alcohol helped me learn how to let loose and have fun. Sobriety was the test of keeping that assertiveness whilst still clean and I’m much more comfortable with my authority now.

    2. LucidNeptunianSurrealist

      Oh man deepwater, “I have always wanted to kiss the feet of God”. You hit the nail on the head there. The amount of love you can hold without substances is unbelievable and so freeing.

  16. Do you see your Icarus in there? Didn’t want to call you out in the last post but that’s the stuff I was referring to.

    1. Neptune + Icarus = no limits

      I’m at the other end of the spectrum with mine. An innie, not an outie, haha.

      Icarus 10’54, Moon 12’32, and Neptune 13’36.

      1. Wel – please tell what do you think is icarus conjunct sun, asteroids vesta and scherezade 6th?? All about 19-20 degrees…Oh and widely square to neptune at 27 degrees scorpio 3rd…

  17. LiberatingVenus

    Fab story – so glad you have reached a place of peace with Neptune! <3

    I love Temperance – always have. So much so that as a young artiste I replicated the RWS version of it outside my bedroom door; a sigil of sorts. I chuckled heartily at the speculation of what the new homeowners must have thought upon seeing it after I moved out – it probably freaked them out! There be a witch! 😉 I know this is a card of Sagittarius, but what could possibly be more Libran than its theme of moderation? There is some debate in the Tarot community over whether the angel depicted on it is Gabriel or Michael, but I personally feel it’s the latter as I have a strong connection to Archangel Michael and this certainly would reinforce my natural attraction to and resonance with this card.

    As to its theme, I’ve thankfully never had any issues with drinking or substances despite having a decent hit of Neptune plus substance abuse problems galloping on both sides of the family. Because of this, I feel this planet’s energy really had no other choice but to express more constructively, manifesting as musical ability, an insanely active dream life, and a growing intuitive faculties that took me a very long time to recognize within myself. I would be curious – since you’ve nixed the drinking – if you feel any of these areas have become more prominent in your life now that the valve has been shut to the less constructive side of Neptune energy.

    1. LucidNeptunianSurrealist

      Thanks for the kind words 🙂 I have been thinking about that for a long time actually, how my creativity has changed. Since I quit, I have written and published a book, blogged more regularly and defnitely had insane dreams that I can actually remember AND even participated in (lucid dreaming FTW!) I also have a piano now and play a bit more music since i have the ability 🙂 And the intuitive part of me has become much more integrated into every part of my life, which I enjoy. The weird/annoying/different part about all of that is it comes much more consistently and slowly as opposed to in waves or more manically I guess you could say. I am not a patient person, so learning to manage my creativity in a more consistent, measured way has been a challenge, but it seems to get easier the longer I do it.

      Great question! And I LOVE the fact that you painted Temeperance outside your door! I would commission something like that in my home … hmmmm…there is an idea 🙂

  18. A lot of Irish/Druid energy floating this way. Went to the library the other day just before closing time and wanted to borrow a book on Celtic goddess history but the book was not in the system. The librarian walked away with a book than turned around and handed it to me saying “If it comes back, cool. If not, cool.”

    As far as the Tarot all these friggin’ Ace and Two of Cups, and 9 of Cups and Pentacles and tonnes and tonnes of Wand/Pentacle/Cups Kings. In every reading. Lots of money money money and rich rich rich and soulmate soulmate soulmate. I’ll take it as a sign to keep going, along with all the other signs I receive daily ;P <3

  19. “It dawned on me soon after that maybe the Internet would be a better place to look. Within minutes I found so many women online blogging, talking, learning from each other, sharing magic with each other. What I realized is this: While some of us are able to moderate, to be temperate, that is not the goal. The goal is to find what brings us peace, what helps us create and find harmony within ourselves. The goal is to be our own alchemist, figuring out how much fire and water we ourselves need. Because there is no one-size-fits-all recipe when it comes to alcohol (or firewater, if you’re so inclined).”

    Best quote.

  20. Gorgeous post. Thank you and congratulations, Rebecca! This is no small task that you’ve accomplished.

    I didn’t comment on the full moon post because it was both too raw and an ongoing situation that I’ve talked about many times (or at least it feels that way). I guess I have to now. So, my fiancé is Neptune rising, 12/13 Saggi, and 26 Sagg sun. 22 Scorp NN and 25 Gemini moon getting Mars and Chironed too for good measure. Anyway, he is an alcoholic but has been in recovery for most of our year together. Until two weeks ago. When he drinks, he drinks as much whiskey as he can get down. A couple of bottles a day. Pukes it up and drinks more. Doesn’t leave his apartment. Doesn’t eat. Literally tries to kill himself. I 5150d him last week, they kept him for 23 hours, he started drinking immediately. Called the cops again today, he was apparently almost dead from alcohol poisoning, ambulance takes him away. Tonight, less than 3 hours later,he shows up at his neighbor’s place in a hospital gown. I’ve never seen pathological drinking like this. I hope to never see it again. I hope to see him again, but at this point it’s not looking good and I’m resigning myself to letting him go. Heartbreaking.

      1. That is just so intense, hdq. And holy shit, that is some personal astro shitstorm! This is horrible for him and heart wrenching for the loved ones looking on. So sorry to hear this, hon. Big hugs & stay strong.xx

      2. Hi, have you tried naltrexone? I feel it’s the only way to save him. It will stop the binges cold and then you can work on the other stuff. I have very very strong history with this.

      3. He was on a couple of meds to disallow consumption. I’m pretty sure that was one of them. They were working until he stopped taking them. 🙁

    1. God your Full Moon sounds absolutely fuqed HDQ – it must also be so painful as you have experienced him clean for so long and then this! Does he have an AA sponsor or someone you can call?

      1. Yes, I’ve been talking to his sponsor the whole time. He unfortunately (imo) is pretty religious and does this whole “it’s in God’s hands” thing. While that may be true, I don’t think it’s very helpful.

    2. Hugs hdq, it’s so wrenching to watch our loved ones suffer, and more so at their own hands. This seems the personification of what MM has been writing about, and I can only hope that you may let him go with healing for both of you.

      1. It has been illuminating, that’s for sure. Patterns, mirrors,all kinds of uncomfortable stuff. A lot of healing work to do, yes. Xxx

      2. Scorpio_Rising

        hugs to you. I went through this with a friend. I had to walk away he was hellbent on killing himself, suicidal, addicted to booze and drugs.
        His sponsor and friends said the same. They step back when he goes on his benders. 🙁

      3. God, ‘bender’ is a word I’ve never really thought about before. Such an innocuous term for such a shitstorm of torment. Hugs to you too, and I’m sorry about your friend. Xxxx

    3. Oh man, hdq! My heart goes out to you!

      I went through a similar situation with a bf about 15 years ago and it is absolutely heartbreaking!

      I hope you are taking care of YOU, too, during this time, and I hope he gets the help he needs. xx

      1. I’ve been wallowing hard, isolating and eating everything in sight. I think I’m turning a corner though, and I’ll write as soon as i do! Xxxxx

    4. That is awful. Does he have family that could help? I hope you are getting the support you need too. It sounds absolutely heartbreaking.

    5. I’m in recovery too (8 years) and I work one on one with a drug counselor who is a retired probation officer. Sponsors can’t always cut it. Counselors cut the religious stuff and can be compassionate toughies. My heart goes after you and to your loved one…we alkies pray for those who relapse (happens to anyone no judgments here its part of the process for some). I ache for both of you. Patience love hope and faith that your friend gets the medical help he needs and you get support as well. Hugs +1 million to you both.

      1. Thank you so much! A million + hugs is soooooooo appreciated. As an ex-addict myself, I thought I understood it, but alcohol is on an entirely different level.I gave him an ultimatum. Patience, love, hope, and faith from me, accountability from him.
        Million hugs back atcha! Xxxx

      2. You know, “alcohol” in Arabic means “the ghoul.” If we clean slated the whole drug legislation and just made laws based on what caused the most crap to consistently go down, alcohol would be illegal and weed legal, i imagine.

    6. I’m sorry – this sounds really, really painful. I am sending additional healing love vibes in the hope they might help to help you through xx

    7. LucidNeptunianSurrealist

      Oh man, I am so sorry to hear that. Letting him go is probably the best for you, but easier said than done sometimes. Hang in there. You deserve your best, not his worst. Addicts are a total drain.

    8. I just don’t know how you can stomach the pain yourself…and I’m studying post grad to be a therapist (?), so I will hope that all your strength will endure, keep you strong – but your partner, how will he find strength? I hope to God you can both get through it…

      It would be to much for me…I’d have to get out, as it is my partner is off to see a sex therapist for addiction issues (pas abuse), and I cannot take the lies, clandestine nature or double life…so self destructive.

      And we are parents too…I just wonder how one maintains hope, maybe in the simple natural world, there is much joy in re-discovering this

    9. Yes, the bands are terrible, the weather is unbearable, and the drugs are making people crazy and not in a fun way. Who organized this festival and why did I buy a ticket?!? Sheesh indeed.

  21. I like the way you finally found a ‘way in’ to a different way of things that felt right. This is why I am repelled by didactic, evangelistic, pick whatever word you want that means ‘my way is best’.
    Temperance does sound a little… Protestant doesn’t it. I don’t have quite the same visceral reaction to that card but I do respond that way to others. Probably becasu I feel confused and frustrated by what they are trying to say: we’re not speaking the same language (clear communication is everything).
    There is an Italian card designer who made a set I’ve been thinking of for ages, the imagery is so lovely and clear.

    1. Being a Pisces mercury I have to edit: clear, *empathic* communication is everything. When it comes to such matters .

      1. LucidNeptunianSurrealist

        I feel exactly the same. Being clear about things is so important, and yet so difficult!

        P.S. Who is the Italian card designer? I just a Salvador Dali set that is awesome, but I love looking at different interpretations.

  22. Hi Rebecca

    I strongly relate to your story and the well thought out description of what it’s like to be a person who, regardless of what strategy used, is unable to maintain moderation when it comes to consumption of a particular substance.

    For some people it’s alcohol. For some people it’s pot. For others it’s the opiods. For others it’s the amphetamines.

    For some people it’s all of the above.

    What I’m hearing you say is that the pull is too strong. Something “alchemical” does occur within the effect of the particular substance consumed. Its effect is so compelling, one gets pulled into it like being caught in a tractor beam or the orbit of a black hole.

    I understand what that’s like as I have that same reaction. The idea of being able to control it is like being asked to control the orbit of the planets. For me it’s alcohol because I have that genetic legacy. On my father’s side, full blown alcoholism. On my mother’s side … Irish Catholics. I never had a chance! *chuckles*

    Which is why I worked on getting sober 10 years ago. For me personally it has been a slow realisation that nothing, and I mean NOTHING, in this material world is enough to ground and sustain me. No job, person, relationship or “stuff” is enough to hold me to this planet … not for long. I always wind up craving, yearning to escape, desperate for something … what what???

    The only path I’ve found that offers that transcendence whilst still remaining alive, and not seeking to self destruct, is the spiritual artist path. For others it’s service to humanity. There are many other pathways, but always I have found the most successful ones to be spiritual in nature.

    Lovely post. So raw and honest.

    Thank you and thanks Mystic for sharing it with us. xxx

    1. LucidNeptunianSurrealist

      Hey prowlncrab– thank you for the kind words and I am super impressed with your 10 years. Nicely done. I agree with you that spirituality is probably the most important thing to me, and a constant dialogue with my guidance is what keeps me from floating off this earth 🙂

      1. Well whilst this earth is beautiful … human society can be pretty shit. The desire to want to float away from insanity seems quite sane?

        And yet we’re here for a purpose. To not get drawn into the darkness. To be part of the light.

        Tough call sometimes.

  23. Beautifully written and so true! As a Neptune rising I notice my need for transcendence in everyday life. I seek through my practice. Practice is what it is…. Practice.

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