The Sun Signs As Cruise Ship Staff

You can learn a lot about Sun Sign astrology by imagining them all as staff on an imaginary cruise ship – ours will be called the Princess Atlanta, although it’s naturally had a million former identities.

Aries is the Captain standing proudly on the bridge, gazing resolutely ahead and issuing snappy orders to the crew. He keeps a secret shit list and runs ten kilometers on the treadmill every morning before bullet-proof coffee. Cable news plays in the background 24-7.  Aries fantasizes about the ship being attacked by pirates that he would defeat. The action footage would somehow make it onto the top news feeds of the day.

Taurus is the ship’s beauty spa manager whom everyone has a crush on. They glide around with perfect posture and the merest whiff of patchouli.  She sees sea witches outside her cabin at night and has a secret shrine to Amphitrite that nobody but the Scorpio ship therapist knows about. She has a line of salt across her cabin door and senses when the ship sails over a ley line.

She Senses When The Ship Sails Over A Ley Line

Gemini is the piano player who knows everything.  He acts as an information broker. He is rumored to be an N.S.A spook and has a side-hustle of being a social media strategist. Gemini has a mental dossier on every guest of note, and he’s an expert at inane but compelling small talk that nonetheless elicits useful details.

Cancer is the ship’s chef who has secretly bought their supply of “food from home.” They fantasize about a mutiny against the Aries Captain but soothe such urges with carbohydrate benders in the privacy of their cabin. The Cancerian is unfailingly supportive and friendly to guests suffering seasickness or anxiety despite whining for a more substantial proportion of their shift than anyone else.

Leo’s Ship Cabin Has Been Repainted Three Times Because It Felt Stale.

Leo is the guest star performer. Leo’s room has already been repainted three times because it felt “stale.” Leo also annoys the Aries captain by demanding the use of the ship’s satellite communications to call their agent at odd hours of the night.  Leo is feverishly planning a comeback that will not involve boats.

Virgo runs the housekeeping services.  She spends the waking hours in a righteous rage at the state of skirting boards and humanity. Has quiet paranoia about microbes and on-boat plumbing that only the Gemini piano player seems to validate. Secretly gets swimming pool water samples to send off for lab testing.

Libra is the cocktail, beverages, and entertainment manager, very good-looking and serenely polyamorous. Specializes in shipboard romances and seducing guests experiencing mid-life crises. Is at the center of several love quadrangles among the crew.

Scorpio Meditates On The Helipad In The Nude At Night

Scorpio is the ship therapist and motivational expert. He is a secret smoker who prowls the boat from top to bottom at weird hours. Scorpio is frustrated by his futile attempts to introduce cruise ship guests to esoteric concepts and stoic philosophy.  Meditates on the helipad in the nude at night. The Aries Captain thinks that this is pretentious wankery.

Sagittarius is the uber-fit game’s organizer, tanned and rumored to be blood-doping between bouts of pointlessly athletic but remarkable feats. Highlight: Rappelling between the decks using someone’s dressing gown cord. Sagittarius brazenly sells off-label knock-off medications and strange neurotransmitter supplements to cruise ship guests.

Capricorn is in the Engine Room, keeping the whole thing afloat and making occasional appearances in the dining room, much to the delight of the Leo Guest Star performer. She is forever trying to entice Capricorn Engineer to her room, under whatever pretext is necessary. He secretly delights in pretending he does not know who she is, despite having signed up to several news alerts specifically to acquire insights.

Pisces specializes in acting as the blandest person on the planet.


Aquarius
is the Techie – enabling internet access, communications, and navigation.  Aquarius suspects the Gemini is hacking/listening in to the Leo Guest Star/stealing bandwidth for their multiple social media businesses.  But Aquarius does not care as they’re preoccupied with their SETI hook-up.

Pisces is the helicopter pilot – flitting between boats and ports. They won’t commit to one mode, ship, or trip. Or, in fact, one anything for more than a minimal unit of time. They only turn up for weird shit going down or a major event/party. They specialize in acting as the blandest person on the planet. But then, suddenly, Pisces emits an extraordinary statement or confession that silences the room.

Aries Captain has threatened to put Pisces Helicopter Pilot in the ship brig for various reasons.

Thoughts?

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Calcifer

Found this post in 2022, it’s a delight! Funny and full of insight into the signs. Am bookmarking it, it’s a jewel 💎

Calcifer

And I especially love the contrast between the Aries captain, who is a true leader but also really needs to be seen as such, and the Capricorn engineer whose role is just as crucial and who keeps the whole thing afloat but does so while working mostly behind the screens

Claire

My Cancerian Leo moon Taurus rising man IS a ship engineer and would be SO hurt if he even believed in astrology for one second. He loves asking for more stuff down in the engine room so its safer and HATES bad chefs. He only just gets away with his sparkly toe nails.

emg

Me too pi. Random re read. And so funny as I’m now in the industry as such. It’s my captain to a tee. And of course cancer here is house mother and crew cook with my pisces rising being a flit from my yacht to three others to cover what ever else needs doing. Perfect take on our fleet.

Sam

Random re-read and am finding myself enlightened by the Libran, uh, lifestyle practices documented here. Now retreating very fast from the libra hotzone in which I had found myself recently. Forewarned is forearmed, thank fuq. Capricorn sensibilities re-engaged, aqua mars distancing tactics deployed… Aahh. The “walking into a coolroom” sensation returns. Pisces ice queen lives. Ommmmmmmm

Slamb

THIS IS AMAZING <3 hahaha

milleunanotte

Sweet Lordessa of the AstroGaga how i missed these!

You made my Saturn Shit Uphill day, Mystic.

Brilliant writing, totally sliced it gently with your on point rapier wit. And the responses from your creative followers, dear me, i am in comedy heaven. Fq i feel like ive taken this holiday cruise even tho i loathe cruise ships and wouldnt go near them with a …shit sorry but…ten foot barge pole.

Love Piscean who also swears like a sailor xxxx

carolime

Hilarious… Could definitely see my Taurus self in this exact scenario.
and my real life therapist is a Scorpio, and we’re quite close.

Sam

” Her legs are now on display at the Smithsonian Institute.” HAHAHA

scorpmoongirl

Hilarious! I’m the Aries capt married the Picses helicopter pilot

Gemyogi

Agree. I relate to Aries (my ASC), Gemini and Taurus (moon + mars + mercury).

Think I’d prefer to be the captain though, a tough but benevolent ruler of the ship!

Gemyogi

Mind you, being stuck on a cruise ship is a nightmare of mine. Would not choose it as a holiday — I need freedom to get on and off at will — more of a train tripper. Or flight, or short ferry hops.

Being stuck on one of those cruise ships, which I’ve heard are mostly older (60+) peeps, or one of those party ships that is reminiscent of the Contiki Europe trip — no way!

Pegasus

Saturn what have you done with my sense of humour??

Pegasus

Can’t be too athletic on a surfboard or motor boat, the only sea vessels i’m fond of. Flying was my thing before Airport Security took most of the fun from it and peoples stopped dressing for flights and planes became like cattle trains.
WAS researching smart drugs in the 90’s tho’ :-).
Ship of Dreams or whatever floats your boat.

Ssylka

Bosun every ship needs one. Sag Sun/Cap Rising/Libra Moon. Pass-Ag, Bully to the core. But it’s a ‘tight’ ship.

sphinx

So funny! Brilliant MM. You guys are so creative!

Lux Interior Is My Co-Pilot

I’m. Dying.

Miniseries NOW!

Except we don’t mention the astrology to muggles.

femme303

Love this!!! Finally, a description of Taurus that is totally me!!!! Duh, guys where so you think all that sensuality/ beauty/love of good food comes from? It’s the ultimate earth mama freedom to give your light in healing to other people. And the salt…well, that’s just standard ? Well done Mystic!

Saggenie

i love this!!!!!!!! would be a good rpg

Houdini

“German tourists forming pyramids… ” lol

I’d rather drive a truck too!…
I don’t get the appeal of cruises. All the faux- joy and artificiality. Watching Love Boat as a child was the epitome of sadness.

Starlush

Omg I swear mystic it’s like you read my mind. I’ve been writing something with a eerily similar concept ( not a book ) my mind is officially blown. Lol

surlatable

This is the inside of my brain.

Starlush

Me too

Starlush

Omg Mystic please please please tell me this is just the intro to your fiction novel/movie …!!!!

Meg

Yes, yes, yes! Have been absent from this site for – well, a long time, as doing reality without floaties. Just felt to log in and well rewarded with the accurate assessments. Pisces pilot dating – and now living next door to such an Aries (rising) captain who is actually Cancer (Kataka). Xmas season brought all the family out – Leo, Gem, Cap, Virgo. This gave me a laugh and lift of spirits. Onwards!
ps, my Scorpio rising totally runs nude at night, feeling the breeze and wondering when you all gonna get it together. haha.

zospeak

First thought was Aries may be the captain but Capricorn will be working to usurp them as soon as they make a rash decision on impulse or start ‘driving’ the ship too fast. Aries also runs fitness classes and keeps petitioning the crew to go somewhere completely new that no cruise ship has visited before. Taurus is in charge of menus and furnishings and orchestrates the musical entertainment. They’re also handy for the odd fix-it job and seem to spend the most time at the bar drinking scotch while somehow seeming the least inebriated. Gemini writes the ship news Gazette… Read more »

Starlush

This is great lol

zospeak

🙂

PlutoMoon

love it 🙂

Virgonator

Gemini is spot on. I’m Gem rising and just did my first shift on the hospital floor as a nurse. I realized a lot of it is knowing everyone, knowing about everyone. And communicating that information with everyone but in different ways. Also keeping people uplifted/amused as appropriate. I was in *heaven*.

Plus got to be helpful (Virgo Sun) and spearhead various projects (Aries Moon). It is a rare environment for me where all three of those signs are happy at once.

PlutoMoon

I agree with some of these suggested switch arounds – Aries should be the activities director and Cap the captain; Taurus and Cancer swapped; Libra the Interior Designer and party/dinner planner; Sagg the nude helicopter pilot; Pisces the yoga and meditation instructor.

Virgonator

Cancer seemed right to me, but Taurus was off. And yeah, almost every Pisces I know teaches yoga.

seawitchmermaid

Traumatized by the thought of cruise ship swimming pool water, lol!

Chrysalis

Eww yes and the buffet. Uggggggh. Too many planets in Virgo for me to enjoy anything so communal. My Cap moon would insist on paying thousands extra for all the single/individual/high end options.

Virgonator

I was just reading about all the norovirus outbreaks on cruises. Yuck.

Ali A

Omg I love this mystic. Why now this post? It’s too cool x

AAC.

YES!. Spot on for Aries, Aqua Rising and Cap Moon. That is my year ahead and I LIKE IT. Only thing is being an Aries captain, it is a Space Ship. IRL I am co-captain or captain in training to my Aries Dad. My 13yo daughter is the Gem piano player/NSA spook for sure and with Cap rising and Pisces moon, that is definitely HER year ahead, busting a gut keeping everything afloat with her self imposed high expectations for straight A’s and a solo music career while training in Karate and studying year 11 art subjects for lols, working… Read more »

Sam

she’ll make it no worries 😉

davidl

What ? No mention of the stowaway found hiding in the engine room ? After hours of interrogation ( Aries capt playing bad cop / Scorpio therapist playing good cop, ha ) and a touch of water boarding suggested by the Cap, they still couldn’t determine his sun sign or motive. He kept insisting that he was a multi cusp and raving about a 13th sign. He was deservedly thrown overboard one starry starry night and fed to the sharks.

davidl

Weeks later while the cruise ship was passing through the Panama Canal an urgent message came through from head office. Apparently the Chairman of the board’s son had gone missing and left a cryptic note about finding his exact birthdate. Attached to this was a reference and link to Astro.coms travel and geographic astrology. Of course no one could make any sense of the link, a red line running through Havana and a timetable for the Aries Captains liner were the only clues.

davidl

OMG thought the Aries captain. Is the missing son and the stowaway the same infuriating pain in the butt ? (Like, derrrrr ) Scorpio was called to the captains private quarters and after much discussion it was decided that yes it probably was. They swore to never talk of it again. The fallback plan was to blame the Pisces.

Sam

except the pisces had been locked in the brig the whole time, and thus had the perfect and (literally) cast-iron alibi. once again, the rest of the world’s attempt to Fuq with the Fish only ended up making them look stupid.

Sirius nights

Also, the Cancer Chef had been secretly taking food to the stowaway kid – there were always one or two stowaways. This one called himself Spider and seemed quite harmless, so she decided to help him till they got to Havana – where he promised to get off. She’d found him one night as she was sneaking past the engine room on her way to the anchor windlass room – the only place that was safe to smoke her *herbal* cigarettes. Sometimes Scorpio would join her – he had helped her get through her PTSD after the stint in the… Read more »

flashfire

flipping brill additions to the story. LMAO

Sam

alternative ending, pisces was off on a random whale-watching mission out in the tender and came across the lad in the water. a little worse for wear but OK. life saved, pisces is hero(ine).

davidl

The Virgo house mistress always insisted that her staff return to her any items found during their work. Aside from the usual hair clips, ice pipes and condoms found during the Panama crossing that day was different. A brand new iPhone 7 plus had been found near the entrance to the staff quarters. She knew it didn’t belong to any of the staff. They all had company issued Samsungs ? It was locked but still charged and she promised herself that later that night she would investigate further. Maybe ? she thought, I should ask the Cap to help unlock… Read more »

davidl

The still of the night was shattered by the sound of a large helicopter circling the boat. Finally it landed on the liners helideck and as all the staff watched out of the chopper strode the company chairman and 3 assistants. The captain strode out to greet them and when he returned to the crew his face was white and his eyes staring into the darkness. Cancer ask him if he needed a nice cup of herbal tea while the others questioned the surprise appearance of the big boss. All he could say was that the chairmans sons phone had… Read more »

davidl

As Cap entered Virgos cabin he knew that this wasn’t going to be just another S & M dungeon play session. Virgo wasn’t wearing the mask, nurses outfit and fishnets that he was normally met with. He slipped his gimp mask into his pocket, and stood straight while Virgo beckoned him to her walk in wardrobe and without a word passed him the iPhone 7. He looked at the screen and straight away noticed 5 message notifications ? 3 from Aqua ? 2 from the Gem ? He looked up at Virgo and without a word she knew that things… Read more »

Sam

meanwhile, the pisces was still out in the tender with a cold and saturated lad on board, wrapped in a blanket with a swig of ship’s brandy in his system to warm him up. It was dark now but navigating was easy enough, and the cruise ship was not far away. Pisces saw the chopper and figured it wasn’t the best of times to show up from god knows where at sea, with a worse for wear adolescent. Pisces was already on the wrong side of half the crew and didn’t want to deal with the bullshit. She needed to… Read more »

Sam

Cancer finally answered the phone, sounding a bit fuzzy. “Cancer, what’s going on? asked the pisces. the wind was coming up and it was hard to hear. Cancer explained that she couldn’t remember the night before. the last thing was something to do with the scorpio. Now there was a chopper full of swag on board and it was something to do with… oh never mind… Cancerian could feel the tears welling. Pisces asked vaguely if there was a chance there had been someone else on the boat? maybe someone who shouldn’t have been there? Silence. “go on,” said the… Read more »

Sirius nights

(3 minutes before this conversation) Inside the Cancer’s cabin, her phone kept ringing. Cancer was in a deep but disturbed sleep where images of rubble, explosions, and shrieking children were mixed with images of a teenage boy falling.. falling.. falling into the abyss while in the background a deep rhythmic voice kept saying forget… sleeeeep…. Meanwhile, outside the Cancer’s door stood the Gemini who had been on her way back to her cabin after her show & schmoozing session with some spivs from Caracas. The ringing phone pricked her curiosity and she wondered who at this hour could be ringing… Read more »

Vano

Taurus and cancer should be swapped…sag would be nude and helicopter pilot. Scorp would be the big brother in charge of watching the casinos operations. Capricorn would be the captain and aries would be the games master.

Pisces would be acting the hopeless romantic on board chasing anyone who could make their loveboat fantasy become a reality.

Sam

pisces, on the quiet lounges at the foredeck, hoping the scorpio is picking up their “transmissions” (Scorpio has, but has bookmarked the pisces for later as the libra has done the smudgy eyeliner look again and it’s messing with the scorp’s mind & must therefore investigate)

Peregrine

No, I think the Pisces heli-pilot works well, utterly non-committal, and ready to bail out of there at short notice.
Pisces are only romantic until the bubble bursts. It causes no end of confusion to people that we can drop the object of fixation in a heartbeat, and never look back.

Strawberries

Agree! …says Pisces sun conjunct mercury 🙂

Love Zombie in youth turned commitment phobe in later life. Don’t fence me in. xx

Taurus Vixen

No, no, no. Taurus is the Interior Designer of the cruise ship along with having the final say on what food is served and the meal presentations. Us Taurus peeps would make it a very fine luxury cruise.

Sam

celebrity chef? by special invitation. there was a dalliance with the leo, too, on land that one time

Gemyogi

hell yeah — we are luxury EXPERTS

Sam

Wait! can we all talk about the lives they escaped to join the cosmic cruise ship? i’m having a chiron transit hence the ‘wounded’ theme soz the Aries was captain of an elite military unit who realised that the guerilla leader he was targeting was his old friend from boarding school, they did cadets together, the son of a local school principal and who was back then the recipient of an international scholarship for talented teenagers, cue (short-lived) existential crisis about the nature of military conflict (result after 5 minutes of thinking: quit) taurus was an alcoholic who had an… Read more »

chic

Friggin brilliant!!

Rosa

Yep, that Scorpio one seems rather fitting. Pacing at diabolical hours of the night and all the stooc philosophy <3

Sam

nude yoga at dawn.

Pegasus

The only time i’m seriously comfortable is in a sarong and swimmers! Clothes are so restricting for this Sagg.

Pegasus

NOT for this old girl…lol.

Strawberries

So creative, love it!

Had a tough day and it’s good to be reminded of the lighter side of things, even if on a cruise ship with Captain Crook.

Today’s Mystic email words: “you cannot re-engineer fuqwits or retro-manage your past” was a life raft.

Thank you Mystic. This site, your emails and horoscopes are a lighthouse in these turbulent times oceans. xx

Peppercorn Queen

Hear hear!!

michym812

Amazing!! I recognise so many of those characters its scary!!

baristagem

Haha! This is fantastic!

current

Commented to my partner recently that “you couldn’t pay me to go on a cruise”. Helicopter pilot option for Pisces notwithstanding

Hedgepig

Delightful! (Poor Virgo, stuck with the house work again)

GemLeoLib

Brilliant!

Scorpio x 7

Hahaha! Fantastically creative and wonderful! Thank you! This made me think of the last episode of The show Transparent! Fantastic show, fantastic piece, mystic!

Sam

Aries captain is secretly in love with the Pisces. (Pisces saw it coming obviously.) It infuriates the captain because s/he can see no common ground and also Pisces shits the captain no end with their apparent lack of accountability. Pisces is cool with the brig, it’s nice and quiet and would mean they can get that insight meditation break that’s on it’s way. Also, someone brings you food every day. The Scorpio goes down there to chill but only the Libra and the Pisces know that. The Capricorn when on engine inspections has seen the Scorpio there but doesn’t really… Read more »

Sam

(The cap and the scorp go way back.)

dark star

Lol the brig is never that bad. Reminds me of high school I never minded detention for uniform infractions it’s just a nice meditation break anyway 🙂

Sam

lol exactly. “sure, ok, whatever”

chic

In a cruise ship it is not too shabby – often just a small cabin – no stacked minibar, obvs.

marsbar

I was thinking the same thing reading Aries and Pisces. A Bro-mance to end all bromances! The stuff of fanfiction! 🙂 I ship it!!!

minnie

Don’t really love the Taurus description. They aren’t that intuitive, or exciting, at least that they acknowledge. Everyone else was on point though. Leo, Gemini and Cancer are dead on!!!!

saturnplutoflux

yeh I reckon they’d be the resident lounge lizard actually living on board as a cheaper alternative to buying a house anywhere in australia these days…Only moving from their permanent spot on the sundeck to check out the buffet and bat eyelashes at the latest crop of potentials to come on board. (Speaking as a Toro rising.)

Kay

Hah..I thought it was relatively accurate as many of those things I do. The salt barrier, shrine, E-oils…and body work offering which at this point does not really feeling like work more like helping people feel better in his/her own body 🙂

Gotta work on the posture. Don’t know bout the crushes

Jupiter/Moon/Sun Taurus

Gemyogi

Same — reiki, salt across threshold, essential oils, massage, the calm commonsense empathy that gets peeps to spill their secrets or confide. I have Taurus moon and stellium and relate to that sooooo much.

Kathryn Marie

I love the Taurus description as it pin points me to a tee as I’m a beauty & massage therapist as well as a healer and certainly can sense energy and spirits good and bad…. love it !!!

thelovelyduckling

It seems like Taurus and Cancer were switched at birth. I would have thought Taurus the chef and Cancer more as the healing type. 🙂

Sam

i think the important thing to remember about toro’s is that they’re actually really good at plain old-fashioned WORK. I was on a bus somewhere one night , ppl everywhere and i was joking about sun signs, one girl said “guess what i am then”, I thought for a minute and asked her, “what is the ONE thing that makes you most happy, that inspires you” and she thought for a moment and exclaimed “…Work!” and I said “you’re a taurus” and so she was.

Sam

remembering taurus works hard at leisure too 😀

saturnplutoflux

ha – so true !

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