The Sun Signs As Cruise Ship Staff

You can learn a lot about Sun Sign astrology by imagining them all as staff on an imaginary cruise ship – ours will be called the Princess Atlanta, although it’s naturally had a million former identities.

Aries is the Captain standing proudly on the bridge, gazing resolutely ahead and issuing snappy orders to the crew. He keeps a secret shit list and runs ten kilometers on the treadmill every morning before bullet-proof coffee. Cable news plays in the background 24-7.  Aries fantasizes about the ship being attacked by pirates that he would defeat. The action footage would somehow make it onto the top news feeds of the day.

Taurus is the ship’s beauty spa manager whom everyone has a crush on. They glide around with perfect posture and the merest whiff of patchouli.  She sees sea witches outside her cabin at night and has a secret shrine to Amphitrite that nobody but the Scorpio ship therapist knows about. She has a line of salt across her cabin door and senses when the ship sails over a ley line.

She Senses When The Ship Sails Over A Ley Line

Gemini is the piano player who knows everything.  He acts as an information broker. He is rumored to be an N.S.A spook and has a side-hustle of being a social media strategist. Gemini has a mental dossier on every guest of note, and he’s an expert at inane but compelling small talk that nonetheless elicits useful details.

Cancer is the ship’s chef who has secretly bought their supply of “food from home.” They fantasize about a mutiny against the Aries Captain but soothe such urges with carbohydrate benders in the privacy of their cabin. The Cancerian is unfailingly supportive and friendly to guests suffering seasickness or anxiety despite whining for a more substantial proportion of their shift than anyone else.

Leo’s Ship Cabin Has Been Repainted Three Times Because It Felt Stale.

Leo is the guest star performer. Leo’s room has already been repainted three times because it felt “stale.” Leo also annoys the Aries captain by demanding the use of the ship’s satellite communications to call their agent at odd hours of the night.  Leo is feverishly planning a comeback that will not involve boats.

Virgo runs the housekeeping services.  She spends the waking hours in a righteous rage at the state of skirting boards and humanity. Has quiet paranoia about microbes and on-boat plumbing that only the Gemini piano player seems to validate. Secretly gets swimming pool water samples to send off for lab testing.

Libra is the cocktail, beverages, and entertainment manager, very good-looking and serenely polyamorous. Specializes in shipboard romances and seducing guests experiencing mid-life crises. Is at the center of several love quadrangles among the crew.

Scorpio Meditates On The Helipad In The Nude At Night

Scorpio is the ship therapist and motivational expert. He is a secret smoker who prowls the boat from top to bottom at weird hours. Scorpio is frustrated by his futile attempts to introduce cruise ship guests to esoteric concepts and stoic philosophy.  Meditates on the helipad in the nude at night. The Aries Captain thinks that this is pretentious wankery.

Sagittarius is the uber-fit game’s organizer, tanned and rumored to be blood-doping between bouts of pointlessly athletic but remarkable feats. Highlight: Rappelling between the decks using someone’s dressing gown cord. Sagittarius brazenly sells off-label knock-off medications and strange neurotransmitter supplements to cruise ship guests.

Capricorn is in the Engine Room, keeping the whole thing afloat and making occasional appearances in the dining room, much to the delight of the Leo Guest Star performer. She is forever trying to entice Capricorn Engineer to her room, under whatever pretext is necessary. He secretly delights in pretending he does not know who she is, despite having signed up to several news alerts specifically to acquire insights.

Pisces specializes in acting as the blandest person on the planet.


Aquarius
is the Techie – enabling internet access, communications, and navigation.  Aquarius suspects the Gemini is hacking/listening in to the Leo Guest Star/stealing bandwidth for their multiple social media businesses.  But Aquarius does not care as they’re preoccupied with their SETI hook-up.

Pisces is the helicopter pilot – flitting between boats and ports. They won’t commit to one mode, ship, or trip. Or, in fact, one anything for more than a minimal unit of time. They only turn up for weird shit going down or a major event/party. They specialize in acting as the blandest person on the planet. But then, suddenly, Pisces emits an extraordinary statement or confession that silences the room.

Aries Captain has threatened to put Pisces Helicopter Pilot in the ship brig for various reasons.

Thoughts?

87 thoughts on “The Sun Signs As Cruise Ship Staff”

  1. Found this post in 2022, it’s a delight! Funny and full of insight into the signs. Am bookmarking it, it’s a jewel 💎

    1. And I especially love the contrast between the Aries captain, who is a true leader but also really needs to be seen as such, and the Capricorn engineer whose role is just as crucial and who keeps the whole thing afloat but does so while working mostly behind the screens

  2. My Cancerian Leo moon Taurus rising man IS a ship engineer and would be SO hurt if he even believed in astrology for one second. He loves asking for more stuff down in the engine room so its safer and HATES bad chefs. He only just gets away with his sparkly toe nails.

  3. Me too pi. Random re read. And so funny as I’m now in the industry as such. It’s my captain to a tee. And of course cancer here is house mother and crew cook with my pisces rising being a flit from my yacht to three others to cover what ever else needs doing. Perfect take on our fleet.

  4. Random re-read and am finding myself enlightened by the Libran, uh, lifestyle practices documented here. Now retreating very fast from the libra hotzone in which I had found myself recently. Forewarned is forearmed, thank fuq. Capricorn sensibilities re-engaged, aqua mars distancing tactics deployed… Aahh. The “walking into a coolroom” sensation returns. Pisces ice queen lives. Ommmmmmmm

  5. Sweet Lordessa of the AstroGaga how i missed these!

    You made my Saturn Shit Uphill day, Mystic.

    Brilliant writing, totally sliced it gently with your on point rapier wit. And the responses from your creative followers, dear me, i am in comedy heaven. Fq i feel like ive taken this holiday cruise even tho i loathe cruise ships and wouldnt go near them with a …shit sorry but…ten foot barge pole.

    Love Piscean who also swears like a sailor xxxx

  6. Hilarious… Could definitely see my Taurus self in this exact scenario.
    and my real life therapist is a Scorpio, and we’re quite close.

  7. Agree. I relate to Aries (my ASC), Gemini and Taurus (moon + mars + mercury).

    Think I’d prefer to be the captain though, a tough but benevolent ruler of the ship!

    1. Mind you, being stuck on a cruise ship is a nightmare of mine. Would not choose it as a holiday — I need freedom to get on and off at will — more of a train tripper. Or flight, or short ferry hops.

      Being stuck on one of those cruise ships, which I’ve heard are mostly older (60+) peeps, or one of those party ships that is reminiscent of the Contiki Europe trip — no way!

  8. Can’t be too athletic on a surfboard or motor boat, the only sea vessels i’m fond of. Flying was my thing before Airport Security took most of the fun from it and peoples stopped dressing for flights and planes became like cattle trains.
    WAS researching smart drugs in the 90’s tho’ :-).
    Ship of Dreams or whatever floats your boat.

  9. Bosun every ship needs one. Sag Sun/Cap Rising/Libra Moon. Pass-Ag, Bully to the core. But it’s a ‘tight’ ship.

  10. Love this!!! Finally, a description of Taurus that is totally me!!!! Duh, guys where so you think all that sensuality/ beauty/love of good food comes from? It’s the ultimate earth mama freedom to give your light in healing to other people. And the salt…well, that’s just standard ? Well done Mystic!

  11. “German tourists forming pyramids… ” lol

    I’d rather drive a truck too!…
    I don’t get the appeal of cruises. All the faux- joy and artificiality. Watching Love Boat as a child was the epitome of sadness.

  12. Yes, yes, yes! Have been absent from this site for – well, a long time, as doing reality without floaties. Just felt to log in and well rewarded with the accurate assessments. Pisces pilot dating – and now living next door to such an Aries (rising) captain who is actually Cancer (Kataka). Xmas season brought all the family out – Leo, Gem, Cap, Virgo. This gave me a laugh and lift of spirits. Onwards!
    ps, my Scorpio rising totally runs nude at night, feeling the breeze and wondering when you all gonna get it together. haha.

  13. First thought was Aries may be the captain but Capricorn will be working to usurp them as soon as they make a rash decision on impulse or start ‘driving’ the ship too fast. Aries also runs fitness classes and keeps petitioning the crew to go somewhere completely new that no cruise ship has visited before.
    Taurus is in charge of menus and furnishings and orchestrates the musical entertainment. They’re also handy for the odd fix-it job and seem to spend the most time at the bar drinking scotch while somehow seeming the least inebriated.
    Gemini writes the ship news Gazette and delights in interviewing anyone and everyone for articles. They also do stand-up, making fun of all the guests’ quirks until they parody Leo one night and the claws come out so they start a book club instead.
    Cancer runs the daycare centre and is the nurse on-board. They also do the history tours at the various foreign sites where the ship docks.
    Leo is a star co-opted for a new reality show: ‘Aboard and beyond’. They’re loving the film crew following them but not so much the warts ‘n all approach to content. On a good day they’re the most popular at the bar as they shout everyone drinks.
    Virgo is 2IC to the Captain, coordinating the itinerary, employees, health and safety procedures. Every detail and administrative data point is collected in their ledger for writing up regularly weekly reports.
    Libra runs the social calendar of events on board, along with the only beauty parlour. Forms a love relationship with Leo who keeps turning up for ‘touch ups’. They’re in charge of wedding planning for a couple who booked in advance to have their wedding on-board.
    Scorpio is the ship’s psychotherapist and is secretly a government spy working undercover to get intel on one of the ship’s guests, a suspected wealthy mob boss. They enjoy learning everyone else’s secrets regardless and they’re considering trying to seduce the mob boss’s beautiful daughter into an illicit affair for carnal and professional reasons.
    Sagittarius is a well-travelled academic spruiking their latest autobiographical book by telling tales to anyone who’ll listen. Thankfully their stories are super interesting and humourous so even if they’re a bit exaggerated there’s still a ready audience most of the time.
    Capricorn owns the ship and is using this cruise ship business model as a guinea pig before considering investing in an international fleet of ships. They’re about to have a child with Cancer and want to expand their empire so as to have a respected legacy for Capricorn Jr.
    Aquarius isn’t too keen on being stuck on the same ship with the same people for an extended period of time but they’ve been contracted to work on tech and ship communications. They mostly hang out in the Mac shop but are privately planning to co-opt the communication systems soon to coordinate a meet-up with a nearby Sea Shepherd vessel to protest whaling.
    Pisces works at the on-board pharmacy but also petitioned for the ship’s yoga/meditation room and spends a lot of time doing artwork channelled through dolphin spirits.

  14. Gemini is spot on. I’m Gem rising and just did my first shift on the hospital floor as a nurse. I realized a lot of it is knowing everyone, knowing about everyone. And communicating that information with everyone but in different ways. Also keeping people uplifted/amused as appropriate. I was in *heaven*.

    Plus got to be helpful (Virgo Sun) and spearhead various projects (Aries Moon). It is a rare environment for me where all three of those signs are happy at once.

  15. I agree with some of these suggested switch arounds – Aries should be the activities director and Cap the captain; Taurus and Cancer swapped; Libra the Interior Designer and party/dinner planner; Sagg the nude helicopter pilot; Pisces the yoga and meditation instructor.

    1. Eww yes and the buffet. Uggggggh. Too many planets in Virgo for me to enjoy anything so communal. My Cap moon would insist on paying thousands extra for all the single/individual/high end options.

    1. Thank you and it is because i was thinking how the one about the Sun Signs in a science fiction spaceship movie is my fave – i can’t find the link now!

  16. YES!. Spot on for Aries, Aqua Rising and Cap Moon. That is my year ahead and I LIKE IT. Only thing is being an Aries captain, it is a Space Ship. IRL I am co-captain or captain in training to my Aries Dad.

    My 13yo daughter is the Gem piano player/NSA spook for sure and with Cap rising and Pisces moon, that is definitely HER year ahead, busting a gut keeping everything afloat with her self imposed high expectations for straight A’s and a solo music career while training in Karate and studying year 11 art subjects for lols, working hard and being profound. (sans the sassy Leo I hope).

  17. What ? No mention of the stowaway found hiding in the engine room ? After hours of interrogation ( Aries capt playing bad cop / Scorpio therapist playing good cop, ha ) and a touch of water boarding suggested by the Cap, they still couldn’t determine his sun sign or motive. He kept insisting that he was a multi cusp and raving about a 13th sign. He was deservedly thrown overboard one starry starry night and fed to the sharks.

    1. Weeks later while the cruise ship was passing through the Panama Canal an urgent message came through from head office. Apparently the Chairman of the board’s son had gone missing and left a cryptic note about finding his exact birthdate. Attached to this was a reference and link to Astro.coms travel and geographic astrology. Of course no one could make any sense of the link, a red line running through Havana and a timetable for the Aries Captains liner were the only clues.

    2. OMG thought the Aries captain. Is the missing son and the stowaway the same infuriating pain in the butt ? (Like, derrrrr ) Scorpio was called to the captains private quarters and after much discussion it was decided that yes it probably was. They swore to never talk of it again. The fallback plan was to blame the Pisces.

      1. except the pisces had been locked in the brig the whole time, and thus had the perfect and (literally) cast-iron alibi. once again, the rest of the world’s attempt to Fuq with the Fish only ended up making them look stupid.

      2. Also, the Cancer Chef had been secretly taking food to the stowaway kid – there were always one or two stowaways. This one called himself Spider and seemed quite harmless, so she decided to help him till they got to Havana – where he promised to get off.

        She’d found him one night as she was sneaking past the engine room on her way to the anchor windlass room – the only place that was safe to smoke her *herbal* cigarettes. Sometimes Scorpio would join her – he had helped her get through her PTSD after the stint in the war-zone hospital and they had become firm friends. Neither of them liked the Captain. Cancer just had a gut feeling about him and called him a wanker – and Scorpio had been tracking him and the Capricorn for two years now – but he did not tell her this. He did not want her involved in this murky mission. He was falling for her hard too…”Damn it!!” he swore.

        On the night of the *interrogation* of the stowaway by Captain Aries and Capricorn – the Cancer – who’d been smoking in the anchor cutlass room was on her way back to her cabin for her nightly munchies-induced carb fest when she noticed strange cries coming from the engine room…

        After she told the Scorpio what she’d seen, he held her tight, looked deeply into her big brown eyes while he soothed her with his deep rhythmical and hypnotic voice, slipped her a Temazepam then slunk out the door. She would not remember a thing.
        He had work to do, people to contact.

      3. alternative ending, pisces was off on a random whale-watching mission out in the tender and came across the lad in the water. a little worse for wear but OK. life saved, pisces is hero(ine).

      4. The Virgo house mistress always insisted that her staff return to her any items found during their work. Aside from the usual hair clips, ice pipes and condoms found during the Panama crossing that day was different. A brand new iPhone 7 plus had been found near the entrance to the staff quarters. She knew it didn’t belong to any of the staff. They all had company issued Samsungs ? It was locked but still charged and she promised herself that later that night she would investigate further. Maybe ? she thought, I should ask the Cap to help unlock it ? He was always good at these things.

      5. The still of the night was shattered by the sound of a large helicopter circling the boat. Finally it landed on the liners helideck and as all the staff watched out of the chopper strode the company chairman and 3 assistants. The captain strode out to greet them and when he returned to the crew his face was white and his eyes staring into the darkness. Cancer ask him if he needed a nice cup of herbal tea while the others questioned the surprise appearance of the big boss. All he could say was that the chairmans sons phone had been tracked to the boat and a full search was soon to be underway.
        Scorpio and Cap looked at each other, a look noticed by Virgo who said nothing except quietly to the Cap, “could I meet you in my room ? There is something I need to show you “

      6. As Cap entered Virgos cabin he knew that this wasn’t going to be just another S & M dungeon play session. Virgo wasn’t wearing the mask, nurses outfit and fishnets that he was normally met with. He slipped his gimp mask into his pocket, and stood straight while Virgo beckoned him to her walk in wardrobe and without a word passed him the iPhone 7. He looked at the screen and straight away noticed 5 message notifications ? 3 from Aqua ? 2 from the Gem ?
        He looked up at Virgo and without a word she knew that things would never be the same, he slipped the phone into his pocket and looking at her with that serious look that always made her hot and strode from the room.

      7. meanwhile, the pisces was still out in the tender with a cold and saturated lad on board, wrapped in a blanket with a swig of ship’s brandy in his system to warm him up. It was dark now but navigating was easy enough, and the cruise ship was not far away. Pisces saw the chopper and figured it wasn’t the best of times to show up from god knows where at sea, with a worse for wear adolescent. Pisces was already on the wrong side of half the crew and didn’t want to deal with the bullshit. She needed to contact someone on board who would instinctively understand, but also be canny enough to help work out a solution. She stared out to the dark sea and the invisible horizon for several long, silent minutes. the boy watched but wasn’t saying much. Then she picked up the sat phone and dialled the Cancer.

      8. Cancer finally answered the phone, sounding a bit fuzzy. “Cancer, what’s going on? asked the pisces. the wind was coming up and it was hard to hear. Cancer explained that she couldn’t remember the night before. the last thing was something to do with the scorpio. Now there was a chopper full of swag on board and it was something to do with… oh never mind… Cancerian could feel the tears welling.
        Pisces asked vaguely if there was a chance there had been someone else on the boat? maybe someone who shouldn’t have been there?
        Silence.
        “go on,” said the cancer.
        “if it’s something to do with a missing kid, i fished one out of the ocean. Wtf is happening over there?”
        Cancer burst into tears.

      9. (3 minutes before this conversation)

        Inside the Cancer’s cabin, her phone kept ringing. Cancer was in a deep but disturbed sleep where images of rubble, explosions, and shrieking children were mixed with images of a teenage boy falling.. falling.. falling into the abyss while in the background a deep rhythmic voice kept saying forget… sleeeeep…. Meanwhile, outside the Cancer’s door stood the Gemini who had been on her way back to her cabin after her show & schmoozing session with some spivs from Caracas. The ringing phone pricked her curiosity and she wondered who at this hour could be ringing the Cancer – and why wasn’t it being answered? She knocked on the cabin door tentatively and waited. No response. She looked around, turned the handle and slipped inside. She could just make out the outline of Cancer who was making moaning noises in between snores. She also noted the the name of the caller. Something was afoot – she could smell it – especially if it involved that slippery Fish. She needed to know. Her hand reached for the phone … and placed it in Cancer’s hand while she yanked her arm hard and then whizzed out the door leaving a crack open.

  18. Taurus and cancer should be swapped…sag would be nude and helicopter pilot. Scorp would be the big brother in charge of watching the casinos operations. Capricorn would be the captain and aries would be the games master.

    Pisces would be acting the hopeless romantic on board chasing anyone who could make their loveboat fantasy become a reality.

    1. pisces, on the quiet lounges at the foredeck, hoping the scorpio is picking up their “transmissions” (Scorpio has, but has bookmarked the pisces for later as the libra has done the smudgy eyeliner look again and it’s messing with the scorp’s mind & must therefore investigate)

    2. No, I think the Pisces heli-pilot works well, utterly non-committal, and ready to bail out of there at short notice.
      Pisces are only romantic until the bubble bursts. It causes no end of confusion to people that we can drop the object of fixation in a heartbeat, and never look back.

      1. Agree! …says Pisces sun conjunct mercury 🙂

        Love Zombie in youth turned commitment phobe in later life. Don’t fence me in. xx

  19. No, no, no. Taurus is the Interior Designer of the cruise ship along with having the final say on what food is served and the meal presentations. Us Taurus peeps would make it a very fine luxury cruise.

  20. Wait! can we all talk about the lives they escaped to join the cosmic cruise ship? i’m having a chiron transit hence the ‘wounded’ theme soz

    the Aries was captain of an elite military unit who realised that the guerilla leader he was targeting was his old friend from boarding school, they did cadets together, the son of a local school principal and who was back then the recipient of an international scholarship for talented teenagers, cue (short-lived) existential crisis about the nature of military conflict (result after 5 minutes of thinking: quit)
    taurus was an alcoholic who had an epiphany (sorry toros lol x)
    gemini was just bored / curious, basically an extended research trip
    cancer was a midwife in a war zone hospital and has past-life ties to the aries
    Leo, notes on a scandal? a retreat from the headlines (“honestly these people have minds like ants, they gossip if you broke a nail”)
    Virgo, Nobel Prize winning microbiologist, suffered a psychological break but is working their way back
    Libra was a magistrate but really wanted to just find love (the zap zone you see)
    scorpio, read about the ship job on a dark net forum, just showed up, no real change in lifestyle lol
    sadge – tantra master, speaks 5 languages fluently and 3 more pretty well, contributes to journals on esoteric philosophy written in Pali, but whatever, also ship = free travel and more friends
    capricorn, well someone has to make sure this thing doesn’t sink, also no one knows is conducting long-range research into navigation by the stars, because at some point there will be no power sources and it’s better to get around without being dependent on fallible technologies
    aquarius, CTO for an unnamed intelligence organisation, got sick of the politics undermining the humanitarian potential of the technology
    pisces has a checkered work history

      1. The only time i’m seriously comfortable is in a sarong and swimmers! Clothes are so restricting for this Sagg.

  21. So creative, love it!

    Had a tough day and it’s good to be reminded of the lighter side of things, even if on a cruise ship with Captain Crook.

    Today’s Mystic email words: “you cannot re-engineer fuqwits or retro-manage your past” was a life raft.

    Thank you Mystic. This site, your emails and horoscopes are a lighthouse in these turbulent times oceans. xx

  22. Commented to my partner recently that “you couldn’t pay me to go on a cruise”. Helicopter pilot option for Pisces notwithstanding

  23. Hahaha! Fantastically creative and wonderful! Thank you! This made me think of the last episode of The show Transparent! Fantastic show, fantastic piece, mystic!

  24. Aries captain is secretly in love with the Pisces. (Pisces saw it coming obviously.) It infuriates the captain because s/he can see no common ground and also Pisces shits the captain no end with their apparent lack of accountability. Pisces is cool with the brig, it’s nice and quiet and would mean they can get that insight meditation break that’s on it’s way. Also, someone brings you food every day. The Scorpio goes down there to chill but only the Libra and the Pisces know that. The Capricorn when on engine inspections has seen the Scorpio there but doesn’t really care as long as nothing gets broken.

    1. Lol the brig is never that bad. Reminds me of high school I never minded detention for uniform infractions it’s just a nice meditation break anyway 🙂

    2. I was thinking the same thing reading Aries and Pisces. A Bro-mance to end all bromances! The stuff of fanfiction! 🙂 I ship it!!!

  25. Don’t really love the Taurus description. They aren’t that intuitive, or exciting, at least that they acknowledge. Everyone else was on point though. Leo, Gemini and Cancer are dead on!!!!

    1. yeh I reckon they’d be the resident lounge lizard actually living on board as a cheaper alternative to buying a house anywhere in australia these days…Only moving from their permanent spot on the sundeck to check out the buffet and bat eyelashes at the latest crop of potentials to come on board. (Speaking as a Toro rising.)

    2. Hah..I thought it was relatively accurate as many of those things I do. The salt barrier, shrine, E-oils…and body work offering which at this point does not really feeling like work more like helping people feel better in his/her own body 🙂

      Gotta work on the posture. Don’t know bout the crushes

      Jupiter/Moon/Sun Taurus

      1. Same — reiki, salt across threshold, essential oils, massage, the calm commonsense empathy that gets peeps to spill their secrets or confide. I have Taurus moon and stellium and relate to that sooooo much.

    3. I love the Taurus description as it pin points me to a tee as I’m a beauty & massage therapist as well as a healer and certainly can sense energy and spirits good and bad…. love it !!!

    4. thelovelyduckling

      It seems like Taurus and Cancer were switched at birth. I would have thought Taurus the chef and Cancer more as the healing type. 🙂

    5. i think the important thing to remember about toro’s is that they’re actually really good at plain old-fashioned WORK. I was on a bus somewhere one night , ppl everywhere and i was joking about sun signs, one girl said “guess what i am then”, I thought for a minute and asked her, “what is the ONE thing that makes you most happy, that inspires you” and she thought for a moment and exclaimed “…Work!” and I said “you’re a taurus” and so she was.

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