Twelve Ways To Leave Your Lover

In honor of the Seventies hit song Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover, I’d like to present 12 Ways To Leave Your Lover – there is one for each Zodiac sign.

Aries: In a blur of red dust, tires shrieking, preferably in a crimson sports car and off into the dramatic dusk. No words, no explanations, no emo scenes.

Taurus: Taurus takes the couch. They will admit to all faults and concede every point but Taurus takes the couch. The soon-to-be-ex won’t need to bother with trying to sort out who owns what because Taurus will have kept the receipts.

Gemini: Gone like the wind if the wind were capable of leaving a cryptic little message that suggested things were not quite so over as the Gemini blowing out of there might suggest. Gemini likes to always leave doors a little bit open.

Cancer:  They never leave. They just work it so that you leave them and then they get to act like the other person is the rogue bad bird storming out of the nest.

Leo: There will first be a dramatic confession and/or theatrical love revival attempt, preferably with an audience. Leo will edit the photos to ensure only flattering pics remain and then make a cinematic exit. Optional: Memorable lines, full hair and make-up, a soundtrack or well-lit social media announcement.

Virgo: It occurs a few months after a deal-breaker that seems insignificant but was enough to tilt the Virgo Risk-Benefits relationship ratio. Why the delay? Virgo needs time to finesse every detail so that they can make a desirably clean break.

Libra: Libra usually likes to line up the next devotee or at least a temporary ‘bridging’ relationship beforehand. Libra will love you much more once you are the Ex. You could even become a sort of bridging or augmenting person yourself.

Scorpio: In an explosion of sulfur and brimstone, with an explanation that blends venom with rich psychological insights. It will be final.  Scorpios don’t go back, they don’t look back. You will be a city that they will not visit again.

Sagittarius: Through the window. Like you were an alibi for a crime they don’t recall committing.

Capricorn:  Via an Exit Strategy and perhaps even a contract, should the Capricorn be concerned about any ramifications. Nobody will lose face and there will be no unseemly scenes.

Aquarius: Aquarius just disappears, apparently into another dimension. You ignoring their ghosting is a sensational aphrodisiac to Aquarius.

Pisces: Pisces announces that he/she loves you more than ever and that the relationship is to evolve to a new level. Although nothing ever ends “as such” and Pisces considers you a soulmate, they have developed feelings for their osteopath/a new religion/your best friend. As a spiritual being, Pisces is compelled to honor the connection, hence the ‘evolution.’


107 thoughts on “Twelve Ways To Leave Your Lover”

  1. Lurking around here, but I think people should really look at their 7th house for this too. Like I am a Libra and yes I do the bridging but it involves a ton of tying up loose ends and planning every little detail thanks to my Venus and Jupiter in Virgo in the 7th.

  2. Nah. Totes disagree. I’m a Libra. Never did bridging. And done is done. It can take me awhile to admit my rescucitation of a failing relationship isn’t working but once I’m out the door, that’s it baby. Whim of steel enacted.

  3. Absolutely fuqing hilarious.
    Chuckled at the Gemini description. That’s me right now, alright. I get the impression that these break-up descriptions encapsulate times when said sun sign really WANTS to break up.

    In the past I have been much more drastic & Scorp about things, well I have got a little Venus opp Pluto in Scorp going on.

    I am not friends with my exes, although I would like to be friends with my most recent, maybe even try again one day… See, tres Gem!

  4. All the Scorpios in my life, actually DO go back and more than once even!! My son is currently re-dating his first love for the 3rd time. My Father had three women he kept in some strange rotation. Each time one was eliminated, it was forever. Until the next time they came around. And My Ex. Who is never quite my ex. It’s off and on. He also has restarted a love affair with his ex gf more than once. Maybe it’s just as fair to say that Scorpios SAY they are done, and believe it.

  5. I do not act like my Sun sign at all (Sag)… but act out more like my Venus (Sco) and Moon (Taurus)… and Aqua (Uranus opposite Moon).

  6. Doesn’t work for me, I am Kataka and I left both my long term relationships with Arians who both put on emo scenes and got most of the stuff. I wish the more recent Aries ex would disappear into the sunset…any sunset would be fine!

  7. As a Taurus that divorced her Cancer husband, dead on for us. And I did keep the couch! Oh, and I was the bad guy in the divorce. Lol. Who knew wanting two responsible adults in a marriage would make me be the bad guy.

  8. Kataka LOL.

    Other than that, I am somewhere between Aries (venus) and Capricorn (moon). Public scenes make me CRINGE. Once it’s over, it’s over (that’s the Aries) and I go cold (that’s the Cap). The space that they once filled in my heart has been pulled down and renovated; they will no longer fit. Sorry. You break, you pay, and don’t come back. I am really wierd about revisiting old turf – places, thinking, people that I have moved on from. Can’t go backwards. My sign should be the Kangaroo… or the emu 😉

    Other than that, I try to do emotional honesty these days.

  9. um. pisces sun, with cancer moon & gemini ascendant, and you have NAILED me—though the Gem/Cancer are more subtle notes. freaky. is there a pisces support group on here? humbling.

  10. Leos – they simply get incredibly flaky – less & less dependable & finally stop showing up altogether & leave you to figure out what happened. (I actually think this is a sort of underhanded drama strategy – it’s a ploy to incite a big scene when the other shoe finally drops.) If you break things off with them, they get petulant & then move on to more ego-stroking partners; no one cuts his losses faster than a Leo who’s realized the admiration well has dried up.

    I’ve only been the one doing the breaking off with Aquarians – they get mournful, but behind those sad eyes is a world of bitter reproach. They just do not get why you would break things off when it was all going so swimmingly in their own heads.

    Pisces – they sort of linger. They cut losses in increments, holding out the possibility of friendship.

    Libras – lordy lord, we write letters – we want to talk through everything. We intellectualize, we explain, we worry about hurt feelings (but not enough to stay with the person), we treat the breakup like couple’s therapy even if there’s no therapist. It’s probably a bore, but it’s our process & we stand by it. It certainly leaves no one in the dark about what happened (unless we’re too polite or afraid of confrontation to be honest, which is always a possibility).

  11. OMG!!! I was all about the couch in the den and I saw RED when he attempted briefly to take my high end pots and pans. I’m sure he is still working the victum Cancer thing like he has always done. Scary accurate for me.

  12. Bah! funny! when i REALLY hate an ex they get my Scorp rising…I will hate them forever. My hatred is so deep they might as well not exist! BUT i’m a double Libra so if its not working I am amiable and make sure I have something lined up for later, if possible. Just did it the other day, in fact. .HA!

  13. Insanely accurate! I pull all 3 of the water signs.

    (Sun) I rationalize via fish- you are not evolved enough to understand the karmic nature of this situation, but trust me it’s for the best!
    (Moon) I go about it via crab- This helps me feel less bad about doing it, lol. If you hate my guts then you wanted me out of your life anyway. All is fair in love and war.
    (Rising Sign) And THEN- I act like a total scorp. Make them not only hate me (crab), but fear me. I go totally nuts and expose all of the psychological problems they have. Only to be totally elusive after they’ve been forced to drink my venom. And yes, as mentioned by someone else, I must leave with a stolen good. It’s my evil laugh moment.

  14. on a related topic of the times, ya know it’s Mars retrograde when:

    a) you ex tells you that you look stunning and is excited to see you – while your insides are churning up feelings of ‘oh-dear’- and you feel like throwing on an overcoat quickly no matter how humid the weather…


    b) you keep thinking of that hottie you said ‘goodbye’ to…several weeks ago already…and slip into daydreaming…etc…thinking about how you must have hugged and kissed each other ten times till forever at the transit terminal…already…but it just wasn’t the right timing etc…and so many possible endings to that mental movie…yet…

    c) you ‘know’ it’s gonna be a while…still…if ever in fact….and that still doesn’t stop you developing some madwoman obsessive compulsive ‘insane hopefulness’ every time you check your emails….gawd…just get back to work/gym/salad flossing etc etc ! ! ! 🙂

  15. Mystic this is genius! I’ve been Capped, Sagged and Gemmed. And I think Aqua’d. The Gem breakup still hasn’t quite taken and, echoing a comment earlier in the thread, the breakup’s taking longer than the relationship. He said: “I’m not really a moving on sort of person” lol. Shamefully I’m guilty of Leoing and Pisces-ing, often some cringeworthy combo of the two, which I immediately regret, then feel I have to explain, all over again. Ouch.

    1. me too….leo and pisces mix…..leo moon in the 12th house….
      regret how the combo come out together and then explaining. With my kataka sun trying to salvage what shreds of us remain. yuck. over it.

      1. I’d prob be better off chanelling my Cap moon-Lilith-Eros-Juno /conjunction in breakups. More dignity and a cleaner break. Although I bet Lilith always tells it like it is, lol

    2. “I’ve been Capped, Sagged and Gemmed. And I think Aqua’d… Shamefully I’m guilty of Leoing and Pisces-ing”


  16. Piscean Closed For Renovation

    I broke up with my exes because they were jerks and I certainly don’t still love them. But I do agree that their reasons for not wanting to be with me were mere bleating and vastly misinformed opinions. Whereas MY reasons were watertight. of COURSE

  17. Not The Love We Dreamed Of

    Sometimes things don’t work out the way you planed
    Sometimes words don’t say the things you mean
    Sometimes you can’t explain the way you feel
    Sometimes when we smile we say the same lie

    With a whisper – everything you know
    Is torn away and life just stops
    With a whisper – everything you are
    Just falls apart and dies

    And all those those things you meant to change
    Are thoughts lost on the way to this
    And all those sorrys you never said
    Are words lost on the wind

    Did you ever wonder about ‘the end’
    Did you ever wish i was still there
    Did you ever call my name by mistake
    Did you ever cry yourself to sleep

    Slowly, slowly – we lose the love that binds us
    Slowly, slowly – we lose the care that holds us
    Slowly, slowly – we lose the time that shares us
    Slowly, slowly – we lose the heart to save us

    Sometimes things are not the way they seem
    Sometimes friends are not the friends they seem
    Sometimes time is not the cure it seems
    Sometimes love is not the love we dreamed of…

    Gary Numan (Dead Son Rising)

  18. mystic this is hysterical.

    I blame mars but I am mainly virgo but erm, yes to the moving city as well…

    also guilty of sagg tactical operation. like literally. jump out the window. slid down a pole and legged it.

      1. Oh god but it’s just so URGENT you have to get away …now…suddenly…being delayed by having to wait til it sinks in to someone’s slow mind is like not breathing.

  19. oh my…
    kataka here….yes that is me, except when I am the one that leaves. Which I have, but it takes a looooonnnnng time for me to do it. Then somehow, despite the fact I stayed so long to try to work it out, I am the devil.

  20. Also, I’d like to be able to edit my comments after I’ve made them. This is my Inner Virgo’s need. (But I won’t break up with the website over it)

  21. well i always book a professional make up before any big relationship talk – i would like to think it is to give me confidence but it is probably also a bit of wanting them to think WOW and either lift their game or regret losing you.

    i spent all day at a day spa before meeting with my married lover to tell him no more recently. but, pathetically, what i want in his case is for him to finally end his woeful marriage and adore me whole-heartedly.

    all he said – “you look like you’ve got glitter on your skin” – and “sorry if this is not what you want to hear but i can’t afford a divorce.” sagg, public figure, if it is not scripted by one of his people, he is hopeless.

    1. Some men REALLY can’t afford to divorce, stay & be miserable or used to keep the assets. Sad but true.
      Prefer to be Mistress than Wife, don’t you???

      1. Agree Pegs! Scared of living alone. Scared of the real world. Scared of losing their ‘mother’. Scared of their precious material things going to someone else. Can’t stand on their own 2 feet.

  22. *gurgles*

    “Through the window” – to Italy, or possibly Goa….

    …..Speaking as someone trying to get to Portofino, but lugging everyone with them. Curse my Scorpio loyalty.

  23. With four planets plus north node in Cancer I can relate to the above as how I operated in my younger, unevolved days. However, since my mid 30’s (I’m now 60+) I have been the prime mover and the prime leaver of all and everyone behind, time after time. Think is is my Sag IC…living like a nomad until only a couple of years ago, nestless and free. Now with a nest…and still free

  24. I think I might be a combo of Moon, Rising, Sun and also the sign where my Venus is.

    I wanted it to be like Capricorn (my moon), but with the situation as it was…the Leo played into it. One thing was for sure, I had NEVER had such good hair as then. It was like my hair just did it on its own:)

    1. Love that image – wouldn’t it be great if your hair actually did have separate consciousness & intentionally rallied at the right moment? Of course, then you’d have to appease it when it was in a snit…

  25. As a gemini I can say tis true for me to always leave the door open a bit. Since everything comes back to the mind i know the benefits of staying as open as can be.
    Sagittarius hilarious !
    I would add that Scorpio may steal something on exit , holding onto as much power as is practicably possible to fuel their resurrection from the breakup.
    Pisces – too true ! ” it’s because I love you so much that we have to breakup, isn’t that amazing?!”

  26. “You will be a city that they will not visit again.”

    YEP. I wish there was a polite way to get this point across to ex-boyfriends. (Believe me, I already know all the impolite ways.)

  27. Buckle (Aries; Pisces rising; Gem moon)

    Hilarious, and completely on the money. I am constantly agonising between doing the Aries one or spending time explaining my Pisces approach.

    Btw, my Facebook status just yesterday was: “A red Ferrari just went past. *Sigh*…”

    I’m not joking!

    1. Buckle (Aries; Pisces rising; Gem moon)

      I think you’re right. I rarely regret just walking away from a stupid situation, but I regularly regret entertaining no-longer-significants, and over-sharing.

      It’s like the Aries side has been something I want and aspire to, but think it’s not for acting on in reality. Maybe it IS…

  28. Oh the Cancer one made me laugh, too true and the Aqua.

    Scorpio, not so much, I have a tendency to hang on and brood for years and I mean YEARS but only if I feel there might still be the need to get some kind of one up/revenge. What? I’m being honest. Actually it’s only really with one person but he was a source of temptation and infuriation.

        1. Yep, me too!!
          I’m The Big Bad Black Bird of Death – even though Crab initially broke up with me!
          How DARE I not take him back! (the hardest thing I’ve EVER had to do)
          I will think about him for the rest of my life…and quite possibly into the next…

          1. same here. and now he’s just reappeared… goddamn it! He’s also a Scorp…
            I must confess to behaving very much in the Scorp fashion otherwise, despite all my Libby planets and rising…

  29. firtsly, the picture reminds me of a Groucho Marx quote from ‘Monkey Business’ “As for me, I’m going back in the closet, where men are empty overcoats”

    As to the rest of it, for the ones that matter, they are all spot on

  30. Guilty mainly of the Aqua ones (asc) but have had a few Libra (sun) ones as well. What can I say? I kind of believe that if it isn’t going to work out it just kind of falls by the wayside.

  31. I think the pic is just beautiful says so much.

    I usually do Aries (my Lilith) try to do Cap but being Aqua I’m that too I admit it.

  32. Absolutely hilarious. And accurate too, me thinks. But shouldn’t we be reading the venus sign for lover bits? or is that too obvious?

  33. Holy crappola MM!…. Cried a river over breaking up with Mr Scorp last year. Has taken me the better part of 6mths to move on. Which i have 🙂
    However, you described him to a ‘T’… he hurt me majorly yet i was the one that had to do the ‘breaking up’. And so, his reaction was your description! I know we’ll never, ever get back together, but how apt that you described it oh-so-well… and yet HE broke my heart… 😉

  34. I smiled in recognition at the apt Gemini entry. Yes that’s been me.

    I laughed aloud on the train at the Virgo entry – scandalous exposure! A la: How did you know???

    Virgo sun, Gemini moon

  35. Intriguing.
    I am a Capricorn with all – yes ALL – planets apart from sun in fire/air signs. And Virgo rising.

    And my MO is SO SO SOOO Virgo. Pretty much completely.
    How amusement.

  36. Okay I have an unrelated question: have any of you gone through a Saturn opposed Venus transit and NOT want to hide in a room with a duvet, a bottle of gin and a crate of Tim Tams for its entirety (when actually all you do is work, work, work and side step obstacles). Seriously. I’m like all duty, no fun, with no way out of it. NOT HAPPY. And it lasts FOR MONTHS!!! WTF?

  37. LMAO. Taurus ex DID take the couch. And my bedside table. Didnt bother telling me he was leaving, just let me put two and two together when I got home and tried to sit down. A few days later, a hideous, olive green leatherette thing that weighed two tons appeared in the former couch’s place, via his MOTHER, while I was out. The ultimate Tauro F.U.
    As an aquarian, I just ignored it. All of it.

    1. I absolutely love that you ignored all of that. Your reaction is not only extremely healthy & satisfying to read about, it also made me LOL. I am imagining you thus: “Huh. Ex gone. Awful green Whatever. Boring. What’s next.”

  38. Well in my more active,(read travelling), days, it was on a jet plane
    to another continent, a fast get-a-way.
    They still all love me, the ones that are alive still that is.
    Did have a Sagg boyfriend in my 20’s who actually DID leave via the window into the dead of night. He was a Wanted Man. Broke my heart for a very long time.

  39. Don’t actually agree with the Aquarius entry.
    Should read:
    Aquarius opens a huge brilliantly-lit portal to another dimension; steps through after proving you cannot exist there (even other Aquarians – they have their own universe). Understanding that the Universal balance is as it should be is a sensational aphrodisiac to Aquarius.

    1. agree totally OB My aqua boy loves it when I really listen to his spacy theories. Being a leo I know how to flatter this boy .

  40. This is very good. Yes, when I leave it’s when the other person isn’t around, no explanations (because I’ve already said everything before this point), and stuff I got from the relationship piled in the back of the red ferrari. And yes I do the leaving.

    I don’t actually have a red ferrari right now. I’ve found red cars cause my “efficient” driving to get more noticed by those who would want to fine me for my great time management abilities.

  41. My Gem rising prevails here … wish I could be like my Sag sun, Libra moon or Cappy venus. Too many of my so-called break ups have lasted longer than the actual relationship, esp with the evil Aqua man.

    1. I was born into this world and I do the very best I can with my life. I did not choose to be born on the day that I was and I find it sad that some “people” use that date to strike out with compacting life and travails into a sentence through astrology. If they can not think with more than one or two trivial mass generalizations then the sadness of their lives will forever be continued. Expand your thinking, “people”, or you will never escape the capsule you trap yourselves into.

        1. U r not one of MY aquas are u? Like, with a name change?

          And sweetie, astrology has many layers and dimensions – the Sun Signs are but one teensy aspect of the whole story.

          So anyway, u r agreeing it’s an aphrodisiac for Aquas?

          1. No, I am not agreeing, quite the opposite I am standing here, boldly, saying that there is nothing appealing in the actions of a cold Libra acting as your famous lillith. Really, who can love someone that has no love to give back unless it benefits them in some way?? I know she has set up her next “man” I hope he is better for her than I could be. There are not many of those men available. The timing of your posting (dumped saturday) and the sterility of seeing relationships reduced to “what sign are you”? I came to learn about this science. I have learned that it is made simple for simple spirits so they do not get too confused with reality and are offered some sense of simple method of understanding – into life. To you, I wish good fortune. Bye
            MM, I appreciate that you got in touch with me. Now I will do the “typical aquarian” disappearing act.

      1. Piscean Closed For Renovation

        but how on earth am I supposed to think if I can’t judge someone using astrology? surely you aren’t suggesting I exercise my own judgement based on my personal experiences with someone, and making a rational assessment of external factors that may be driving their behaviour. That would just be unreasonable!

      2. YOU don’t know me or most of us or maybe any of us, so how can you sit there and determine how we think based on a few lines you read here.
        And then to say that people you don’t know have sad lives.
        THAT is very limited thinking, encapsulating our lives into little folders for you to look at with disdain. I hope you can “expand your thinking”

        OH…I do believe I chose the day I was born on. I VERY STRONGLY believe my children did.

        1. Gosh yes, agree with Catfish of course!

          We were all born when we were for a purpose. To believe it was mere happenstance is so pre-Aquarian Age… & perfectly Passé.

  42. Oh my, that Aqua one is so true!! Every time I decded to accept reality and go lick my wounds in private somewhere, that would make him come back!? Commence next identical chapter of increasingly boring break up saga …

    1. There is so much more to breaking up than simple one liners. Why do people find comfort in the compacting of life into tiny packages?

  43. Agree with Aries, though in the past i have had a getaway driver and car waiting for me, not a ferrari fan .. rather a triumph bonneville motorcycle.

    Splitting with the Katakan – I’m moving 12 hours drive away, without you.
    Spltting with the Virgo – (knock on his door) ”Where’s you key?” (i hand it back to him and say ”its fninshed, just dropping by to pick up my jeans and bathroom stuff.
    Splitting with the Capricorn – This isnt going to work, you’re in jail (for the third time) and im not.
    Splitting with the psycho Leo – Aries girlfrind arriving tomorrow to pick me up, Michael from the bar said he’d help you out with dinners (in the snow fields).
    I dont stay ”friends” with ex’s. My pisces rising can’t do it to the next fellow who comes along…i feel bad for them knowing im friends with someone who did the things that we do together …(or maybe this is a projection, with Lilth in 8th house scorp, im not a fan of my fellow being all friendly with his ex”s .. and none of them have been…i think i can be bitch rising in this sense!)

      1. I had an aqua friend who often did this at social gatherings. You’d be at the pub and suddenly people would go ‘where is X?’ X had slipped out unnoticed 30 mins ago. His surname became a verb…. ‘doing an X’. Hilarious.

  44. Brilliant! I feel like my breakups are like my astro signature. They start Leo, are Gem in the middle and end up Scorpio. Official scene (hair & make-up a must), the door left open…then I am often literally in another city actually.

  45. I’ve got more a Pisces style of exit even though I dream of simply vanishing like a good Aqua. Now, though I suspect, I was a bridge, then not a bridge and am now a bridge again with the Erin-born Virgo/Libra Asc.

    I still have friendly relations with most exes. I completely forget that with some I really should be bearing a grudge which frankly seems like too much hard work. Friends sometimes say– “I can’t believe you’re actually talking to that man, after what he did/put you through”. Quite.

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