Confessions Of A Gemini Private Investigator

I received such a fantastic email from a Gemini private investigator that I asked her to turn it into a how-to post.

Tired of your 9 to 5 job? Thinking there must be something more to life? I’m here to tell you that you CAN turn your passion into your career. Something-something take the leap, manifest your dreams, blah blah buy my book.

Listen, I was once like you. I would come home from work every night to spend hours scrolling through Facebook, rifling through personal photographs of people I knew – or just knew from afar – discovering the names of their pets, where they go on vacation, that kind of thing. Normal stuff.

Like you, I didn’t realize my hobby could become my career. Until one day, I was accidentally offered a job interview at a private investigations company headhunted by a private investigations company, thanks to my unemployment, ergo desperate job application spamming dedication to personal affirmations and positive manifestation.

Now, when you hear the title Private Investigator, you probably imagine some flawed-but-sexy, middle-aged man, who has razor-sharp instincts but doesn’t play by the rules. We all enjoy a lovable rogue with an upturned collar and a brooding gaze.

Personally, I imagine Batman. This is why I keep a picture of a cat wearing a Batman outfit on my desktop, just to remind me of the essential work I do each day, screen-capping people’s personal images from Facebook, and trawling through Google for mentions of their names.

But it’s the fieldwork that’s the toughest. While you’re sipping coffee and watching cat videos from your cubicle, I’m out there, most likely doing the same thing. But sometimes I’m in the library, leafing through the electoral rolls, noting down the addresses of various people I know, or just know from afar.

Naturally, personal address information can be used for purposes such as:
a) Smug satisfaction, b) The ability to whisper threateningly “I know where you live”, during a confrontation, c) Parking up outside someone’s house to enjoy a pizza, Easy Listening, and a long stalking sesh, d) Hopefully none of the above, just skip tracing, i.e. my job, which I take very seriously, you guys.

So, now you plebeians are probably asking, what makes a good Private Investigator? To which I would answer, being a Gemini. According to my sister, a fellow Gemini, I have been observed to demonstrate the following abnormalities skills:

A Beautiful Mind
Mystic’s description of the Gemini mind as kaleidoscopic is literally spot on. When describing my thought process to a psychologist, she remarked, “that sounds like psychosis”, but let’s go with Mystic’s opinion on this one, eh?

Genius
This might seem superfluous to the above, but I have Leo rising and we need to talk more about how smart I am. So smart in fact, that I open too many tabs in Google Chrome, causing it to crash. So smart that my attention span is too short to read a text message in its entirety because, ooh! Shiny things.

Pattern Recognition
Mystic wasn’t wrong about the pattern recognition thing. Recurring symbols are my life. There are no coincidences, just ask my monthly subscription to Conspiracy magazine. A few weeks ago I heard Ruby Tuesday on the radio, then realized it was TUESDAY and there was a BLOOD MOON that evening. My mind was blown. I’m still talking about it, obviously. Maybe we should play the song backward. Guys, this is a THING.

No Personal Boundaries
Some people call it nosiness. I prefer to think of it as a healthy concern. My psychologist gave me some sort of lawn analogy to describe people’s personal boundaries and how they should be respected. I stopped listening at that point, because, you know, the kaleidoscope thing, but I think we came to the conclusion that I should only go on people’s lawns at night when they can’t see me, and when people step onto my lawn I can spray them with the hose because assertiveness is healthy. Or in summary, “What’s yours is mine, and what’s mine used to be yours”.

Keen Observation Skills
Do you have a tendency to forget small details like what your colleague was wearing last Thursday? Me neither. I have a photographic memory. What’s more, I have a highly attuned sense of smell. I’ve been known to diagnose people’s ailments based on their smell. Yep, that’s some Hannibal-level creepiness right there.

Google Is My B**tch

That’s it. That’s all I’ve got on that one.

I’m A Chameleon
It’s not uncommon for people who I’ve met half a dozen times to introduce themselves as though I’m a stranger. By this point not only do I remember meeting them, I remember what they were wearing, the name of their spouse, their Facebook URL, and what brand of perfume they wear. But for some reason, people forget meeting me. Perhaps it’s because I change my look almost every day. People often say to me, “I didn’t recognize you”. This is a handy trick in my industry, but otherwise quite depressing, and/or just an opportunity to mess with people.

Eavesdropping Skills

I’m a pretty good lip reader, and I have very good hearing when it comes to key words. In my office, I’m known as ‘big ears’ for my ability to just know when an interesting gossip session is occurring, so I can sneak up with my cat feet and listen in. Note – when someone has their back to you and they don’t hear you approach, it often gives them a fright. Office games are fun!

Trustworthiness
People trust me I can’t count the number of times someone has blurted their deepest, most Plutonian secrets to me. I think it’s something to do with my frank and open demeanor because next thing you know, I’m The First Person They’ve Told.

And despite all the above, slightly sociopathic ramblings, I am actually very trustworthy. In all honesty, my job does involve me finding out some very personal information about people. But that information always has a purpose and legal authorization – and it’s not shared with outside parties, no matter how amusing it is.

Now if you don’t mind, I have work to do, so please comment below with links to all your favorite cat videos.

84 thoughts on “Confessions Of A Gemini Private Investigator”

  1. Fascinating. I pattern gauge too but my mercury is in Scorpio and I’m a libra with an aries rising so it’s all medical.

  2. Studied under FBI PI. i had a degree and a year of law courses. I earned my CA USA PI license after logging another 6,000 hours added onto my graduate and post graduate degrees. So I investigated almost 20 years for the courts and law firms nothing but litigation sans several well appointed exceptions. I operated my own business in a unique way which lends to my empathy for the most unique, gifted, skilled and ultra smart working Mystic whose business model and astrology is uniquely her. Running one’s own business can be ravagely (!) demanding.
    if a PI, depending on one’s specialty, it can be as mine was a dedication of passion but nearly all consuming. I am also a Gemini.

    1. PS, States in USA all have different requirements, but in California if you call yourself a PI and you are not licensed you are subject to a criminal conviction. Standards are strict and Bureau of Security and Investigative Services is the licensing and law enforcement agency overseeing it all.

  3. I stumbled upon this searching if as a gemini sun would I like being a private investigator … I am also a Leo rising. This seemed so serious but also comedic. I loved it. However..I have an Aries moon. Not sure that’d work, but I sure have nerve… I am so glad I found this…

  4. I am Gemini rising and this is hilariously on point. I always have trouble working out exactly how my Gemini (I also have Saturn there) sits amongst my intense Scorpio stellium of Venus, Mars, Mercury, Juno, Ceres, Psyche, because all that loves to nose into the mysterious life crevices of people of interest too. But it’s the sharp memory, nose for details and the ability to constantly morph with time and place that you’ve nailed here. People are commenting on it a lot lately, because I just think it’s normal to absorb absolutely everything that comes my way and half the stuff that doesn’t too. Now I know how to identify it when I’m going down a three hour obsessive google rabbit hole 🤣

  5. OH MAN this is exactly me. every single point. from the kaleidoscope mind and looking completely different every day, to insane pattern recognition (i have ruby tuesday experiences daily) and being the person everyone dishes their pluto out to. 6th house gemini moon…who knew it was so strong?! it’s the only air in my chart (unless i include psyche and eros, both in gem, and my north node in aquarius) and squares my 8th house virgo merc (MORE insane pattern recognition here) and trines my north node. those are also the only two aspects my moon makes.

    i have ALWAYS wanted to be a spy/ secret agent/ pi. james bond, natasha romanova, agent cooper…dreamy!

  6. Brilliant read.

    The pic of the cat looks like pics my (Gemini) sister sends me of her cat in fancy dress.
    Check out Maru the Japanese Gemini cat on la tube…(yes, his birthday came up when i googled him, )

    My fathers identical twin is a PI / London Black Cabbie. He’s Scorp with Gem moon. He has Mary Poppins carpet bags full of brilliant synchronicity stories, prowling round in the black cab and giving rides to the people he’s following to the places he needs to find out where they are going to. He has the gift of the gab and an exceptionally high success rate.

    I’m with Pi, Names have gone out with the tide when i am introduced. It does help when i get to know their sun..eg phone has numbers such as ‘Scorpy Soph” ”Cappie Kate” ”Aqua Kate” ”Toro Sean” etc ….

    I quite often get people saying ”Don’t i know you from somewhere, or havent we met, what school/where have you worked etc..?” which makes me seize up ever so slightly, i am learning slowly to control body reflex. A past in late teens to early twenties soaked in narcotics makes an old guilty culprit edgy !

    Live long and prosper Madame Gem !

  7. Oh god! Why do they keep casting Anne Hathaway as action hero type?? Does she have an Aries moon or something and keeps bugging her agent for more ass-kickery when she looks like she should actuly be starring in the next European royalty period piece ok with debauchery thrown in if some sexy fuqed up-ness is required? I mean I like her muchly but maybe the whole film adaptation of devil wears prada mooshed her into wholesome all American brunette corner for me.

  8. Lux Interior is My Co-Pilot

    I live for posts like these. WE ARE THE COOLEST ASTRO COMMUNITY IN THE WORLD.

    Rock ON Gemini PI……..OK, now that would make an awesome TV show title…

  9. This tickled me 🙂 So like my double gemini Daughter ( who also has Pluto rising in Saggi) – she is both fickle & deeply insightful. Gemini moon hubby too – they are both nearly always right about people.

  10. See now I would give the blabber prize to Sag. No boundaries, no filters. Gem, in my experience, is clever and can be cunning when needed.

    1. yes i might agree with this. the saggi’s i know, or the men (usually capricorns) with a strong sadge element have dropped some freaking clangers in my presence… cringe [to think i was considering sleeping with one or more of them] lol

  11. Howdareyou, that’s completelyuntrueandIhaveafewwordstosayonthistopicincludingbutnotdisincludingthefactthatmercuryisaboutbrainsnotjustblabbingandtheplanetaryeffectofsuchisthatonemaybeuniquelyabletotakeinvastamountsofinformation..etc.etc.

  12. Today a grocery employee stocking the lunchmeats stopped & turned to me with package of bologna in hand & said, “I don’t know what you’re wearing, but you smell wonderful!” Older woman, not a come on. I was as surprised as she was.

    Neptune is direct, all right.

  13. Gemini sun, Scorpio moon, Leo rising. Um, what, this could have been written by the more actualized version of myself!?!? I’ve spent the last three weeks obsessing over why I didn’t become a detective/professional dominatrix/Mata Hari. I’ve scoured the internet for the actual court files for the Serial podcast and studied them. I just spent all night watching Bletchley Circle and pretending I was one of them and I chose outfits based on whether I could jump quickly on the back of motorcycle, not wash my hair, and still look sexy.

  14. My favorite thing I’ve read all week…if you were a dude I’d marry you…my massive third house action is all a flutter!

  15. off topic, but holy wow…. is anyone else feeling super sized Neptune direct direct DIRECT at last?! Floodgates opened. Energy moved, ideas magically surfaced. So simply and swimmy all of a sudden.

  16. This is hilarious.
    Got to love a Gemini mind.
    Are you really a private investigator?? That’s so badass sounding. Good job.

    I’m a Virgo and I think I have some of these skills…you know, Mercury Power.

      1. No, you’re right, they have none.
        They have a showbiz mummager. But they are Much cuter than the Kardashians!!

    1. Glad to see there’s someone out there loonier than I am. I think.

      That duckling has now imprinted itself upon a roomba-riding sharkcat.

  17. I just cringed and celebrated in agreement with authentic description of the Gemini thing! I love you for taking the time to write this identity rant!

  18. That puss looks just like my cat, without the mask.
    No no, I wouldn’t be a PI, unless I could turn it into a PI that is taking care of society and the community. Moon in Taurus on MC Angle is not a PI. Neither is my Moon Trine Mercury. But my Sun can turn on the detachment like nobody knows. I’m my own PI for myself – I’m always trying to hide from myself with my Sun-Pluto conjunction. I guess I will grow into my skin later in life and accept that I’m a Sun-Pluto and maybe then I will meet some Moon-Pluto peeps to hang out with, or go surfin.

  19. Hmmm. This sounds a lot like me. Could a Gemini mid-heaven do this? I also feel like the various Scorp & Virgo elements contribute. Very interesting.

  20. Brilliantly written. I love it

    Well if Pluto isn’t pinging in your chart I will eat my hat

    Big cliche, but I wanted to be in espionage when I was about 10. I have the ability to morph into many faces but I still stand out like hell, so no PI for me :(. Other than that I’ve got the photographic memory/ remember everything you did over the last 10 years and what you wore last week down. Peoples measurements are STILL in my head from 5 years ago.

    Been code breaking my own recent ancestry which has been helpful. That and the dead who’ve been helping me retrace steps. There has to be some kind of job for this? haha.

    Really love that Gemini PI has said everything with out giving their hand away. That is a gemini art right there.

      1. Thanks Pi, I’ve kind of hand balled that to my mother now tbh (and OD’d a bit on 4th house when all that went down) but remain super sluethy in all else* with logical process of deduction often mistaken for psychic because people won’t slow down their mind to observe. Forever watching, collecting data, piecing stories 🙂
        I absolutely love this. (the dead is another matter entirely)

        *actually yet to transpire to my love life though (damn neptune…)

    1. I mean, what’s in your natal Scorpio. Because you could have been writing about me, but all I have in Gem is just IC. My Scorp/8th house on the other hand has 5 planets, & I have Pluto conjunct Moon in Libra/7th. Chiron in Aries, 1st house. Batwoman.

      So curious what you have in Scorp.

    2. The Gemini Private Investigator

      Hi Ankh, I have Pluto in Scorpio, square my ascendant. Does that make sense? Though I know a few people with Pluto in Scorp and they’re not nearly as shady as me 😉

      1. Year of the Phoenix

        I would watch this show! I can just see it now….cool PIAB with heaps of chutzpah keeping it real and using ASTRO!!

        do have a soft spot for a Private Eye with a twist…. have read/seen a few Ladies No 1 Detective Agency – who could not love Botswana after that?

  21. Mother of Gemini's

    Ha so cute, I have two Gemini daughters who crack me up too. They could be your twin. Well written, and look forward to the next installment. Love your style.

  22. BTW how the fugg do I change my Avatar on this bitch? This whole blob pic mess isn’t working with my Sun Tarurus in the 5th house, Lilith in Leo in the Second vibe AT ALL.

  23. I have recently discovered I am a Gemini Ascendant. I always joke to people ‘I know more about people than they know about themselves’. I don’t actually look people up though, I just LISTEN and retain information really well not to mention have a habit of hearing what people DON’T say. It freaks many folks out how I “see” them but hey, it is what it is, baby ;D

  24. I would be the worst private investigator in the world! oh dear
    People I have not seen since second grade seem to recognise me, yet I don’t recall the name of the good looking sculptor I just made a point of introducing myself to in the hallway (dammit). Dory has nothing on me. sigh/LOL

    imo the “lovable rogue with an upturned collar and a brooding gaze” is a self-absorbed twat who wants to be pandered to by women who are happy to be lied to. hahahahahaah

    1. Tis the myth of the noir though. The PI is our storyteller, lit in high contrast black and white, smoking in bars and drinking whiskey, just to forget “her”. She’s a client or a murder suspect or both, a femme fatal dame with a pistol in her handbag and cigarettes in filters.

  25. Gem P.I. I could be your co-batman!! (no one wants to be a robin, particularly with a cat batman about). I have Gem Asc, Leo Sun & Scorpio Moon. My Scorpio Moon is dark & tenacious, once her teeth have sunk in to something, think rottweiler. (My Aqua Sun, Gem Moon sister screams, “You’re too intense!!”, but she is just a tad shallow & afraid of her feelings. At least I think she has feelings?)
    Anyway, I vibe on all the above, Mercury is my chart ruler after all.
    And in my youth I had sets of personalities rather than outfits! Happy snooping – for the most intrusive snippets of gossip I am fond of this site:
    http://www.crazydaysandnights.net

    1. an aqua sun gem moon person I believe does have feelings.

      that’s all I know. After extensive field-testing on my multi-air aqua rising mother, I am still not sure what happens to the feelings in the Control Room that is her mercury conjunct uranus in Gemini mind, but they do exist. She has told me.

      I suspect the key to contacting a Gemini Moon is allow them to roam free in kaleidoscope information-land, that is where they are happy. Also, make them laugh.

      1. aw, am being a bit harsh hey, 🙂 . To me it is exasperating that my role be jester & distant waver of hellos, but you are COMPLETELY right. It’s what she would prefer from me.

      2. well hmm. yes ok there is definitely a court jester element. distant waver of hellos, that too. but i think maybe where scorpios take it or make it personal, gemini types don’t. so the ‘intense’ part is the – maybe – the point where a scorp type goes all schem-y and laser-eyed, and the gem type goes “yeah yeah i get it ok i know enough for now and know where to go back to if i need to, let’s move on plenty more to see” and anything more is a drag “sheesh! whatever! who cares! ffffaark can we move on now”

        I don’t really do scorpio energy much in my orbit so i guess i get the gem thing better?! anyway
        procrastinating over here
        xx

    2. 🙁 You did it, you ruined it! Malefi..robyn.
      I don’t see you are as domme fierce, so sorry, not a robyn, to complex & emo for my perception of a domme. I think you are the actress type though! I know a very good Virgo actor, I think they make Mercury realistic & embodied seeming. Being the opposite of Pisces ‘n’ all with their Neptunian leanings.

    1. Haha. Unapologetic Gems have more fun! I love this but had no idea that Geminis were even that interested in other people. Seriously. I’m impressed. Qu’elle depth . :-D. Am currently crushing on a Gemini man boy who is only 42 and the idea that he might actually even bother cyberstalking me (yeah in yr dreams woman:-) but between being so scintillating and gorgeous and brilliant, that he’d make the time fills me with hope. 😀

  26. Omg!!! My dream job!!! I have always wanted to be a p.i. just that i don’t know how to do so. I’m applying for a communications job with the government, i hope i get it!

    Yes with google as my friend, yes with the stalking, YES with people telling me things which i’m like…why are you telling me?! And maybe it’s the scorp rising but people are ALWAYS asking me if i’ve cut my hair/done something to my hair, cannot recognise me outside of my work uniform.

    Thanks for this post! So awesome to be a gem!!

  27. Did I write this? I think this Gem/ Leo rising spy cat & I are, uh, twin flames.

    The part about not being recognised by people I’ve met several times particularly resonates. I DO look different all the time & it happens so often that I’ve taken to reassuring people when it does so they don’t feel bad.

    1. I was thinking this as I read it too! Get out of my brain!

      Also a Gemini/Leo rising, and people often don’t recognize me after a few times, and tell me their deepest secrets all the time

  28. I. LOVE. YOU.

    Thanks for the wisecracks and for sharing- this was a blast to read and a great day to start my work day! XO, Gem PI!

      1. The box one was great too I’ve seen it before. LOL
        Cats are so awesome. I love how they squeeze themselves into the weirdest places. 😛

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