Air travel is a great place to observe the zodiac sign traits and who better to monitor them than an astrology-obsessed air hostess? Welcome to Air Zodiac. One of our lovely Mega Mystic people is a Flight Attendant, and she has sent me this epic missive about flying with the Sun Signs. I think this is enough material to warrant a research project, right?
I’ve been a Flight Attendant for 12 years and an astro fiend for longer. I’ve flown long, and short haul, economy and first class and I know that cramming people into a pressurized metal tube makes them crazy. Maybe it’s the queues, delays, getting your undies rifled in the security line? Perhaps it’s just that paying for a ticket brings out the inner tyrant in passengers (pax)? Non #avgeeks want to know, so here’s a cheeky frolic through the zodiac of airline passengers and crew.
Aries sports players are hot and flirty! They spread eagle in seats (presenting?) as they’re too tall to sit comfortably without their knees up around their chins. One took my number once and then sent me a dick pic within half an hour of disembarking. Not sure what his wife would’ve thought of that.
I’ve had Leo and Taurus actresses/slashies/ football WAG/ blogger/ media personalities. They have fabulous, perfectly coiffed flowing tresses, always wear the most up to date fashionable clothing and float on, chatting with their friends as they glide to their seats.
A Cancerian Senator always comes on last, harried and dressed to the nines in designer power suits with perma-lacquered hair. She’s one of those rail-thin Cancerians with no boobs and is super chatty with everyone, in that toothy, overly friendly way that politicians are. She pre-orders a bespoke gluten-free salad but NEVER eats it. I guess when it’s coming out of the public purse, who cares, right? She always has a coffee instead, which I swear is what powers her atomic mouth.
Which signs leave bodily fluids behind in seat pockets? Virgo’s or Aqua’s who hate to touch germs? The crew has found poo-soiled baby nappies in seat pockets after parents have changed their kid’s nappy on the tray table. #PeopleEatOnThat! Or the still warm, urine-filled water bottle or USED TAMPON in the seat pocket?! How do you get those out without anyone noticing?!
Boho Sagittarian travelers with perma-tans arrive wearing boat shoes and scarves, clutching fashion magazines. They’re always flying to and from islands, polo matches, music festivals and try to do yoga in the galley while you’re setting up.
I had a delightful Sagittarian comic, come on with his Gemini straight man, hung over after an awards night. They watched incredulously as I said the full Safety Demo PA from memory. I crossed my eyes at them mid-PA, and they cracked up laughing. My crew member wanted a photo with them for the in-flight magazine. The Sagg suggested they wear our uniform jackets for the shot. We got published with them dolled up in crew uniforms three sizes too small. Lol.
Platinum Pigs (high-status pains in the arse pax who are apparently valuable to the airline) vibe Leo, Scorp, Aqua and Cap. They are frequent flyers that won’t pay for Business or First class because they are “frugal” lol, but still expect to hang their jacket and stow their bag in business class lockers and get Freebies They Haven’t Paid For. I’ve lost track of how many times they’ve come onboard, thrust their suit-jacket bag in my face and demanded I hang it in business class. You, my friend, are a dick.
I offloaded a wealthy, older, Aqua Platinum Pig who was so drunk he fell into his chair onboarding. I told him it’s illegal to be intoxicated onboard.
“Do you know who I am? This will be on the nightly news in one hour!” while waving his business card at me. Thanks, Sir, I’ll take that so I can write my report. He then proceeds to run up the aerobridge/jetway to prove he could evacuate safely, dragging me along and swaying all the way. Bahahaha. Security!
It was full in business, and everyone wanted the prawn entree, including a Libran trophy-wife. Unfortunately, Mrs. Stepford was the last person I served, and all the prawn entrees were taken. She went from nice to Godzilla in two seconds flat. I tried the usual service recovery responses, but she was feral. Then I realized I might have some leftovers from the previous flight and literally scrounged around plates for bits of prawn and put them together to make a new plate. I can’t recall but one of those bits of prawn may, or may not, have fallen onto the galley floor in my haste to get it out to her before the full meltdown. Enjoy your meal crazy lady ma’am.
Musicians have a Neptunian, disheveled-ness about them. A Piscean American folk singer and her band were en route to a music festival. Her band had crazy hair, tattoos and were all wearing black. I picked them as muso’s right away. We chatted about musical influences. She was so lovely she offered me her spare entry tickets to the festival.
That time a couple quietly went into the same toilet, 20 seconds after each other. During my landing PA, I cheekily said, “I trust you’ve all enjoyed the flight but probably not as much as the two passengers who joined the mile high club today.” Everyone laughed. I did NOT expect them to yell, “That’s us!” and wave their arms about. I would’ve thought Scorpio until they outed themselves as they did. Sagittarius.
When it comes to Cabin Crew, many are Mutable (Gemini, Pisces, Virgo, and Sagittarius). They are social, funny, and can make pax do something they don’t want to do in record time, via charm and carefully applied leverage. It’s all about how you frame the choices: comply with the rules, OR offload and deal with the airport police. You choose! 🙂
Then you get Fixed (Scorpio, Leo, Taurus, Aquarius) crew who are on a power trip and are really aggressive. They declare themselves ‘safety professionals’ and stringently police the safety rules – as they apply to passengers – but behind the galley curtain quietly text their friends after they’ve just berated a passenger for having their phone on… #crewlife
Pilots are like Leo or Scorp Footballers of the sky. The horrendous hours, trips away, and their inability to keep it in their pants means lots are onto their second wife. On a Sydney layover, I left drinks at the bar early to have a bath and got a lovely offer of a massage from a married Captain! It’s always the ones you aren’t into lol.
There are slightly Aspy Virgo flyboys. They live and breathe checklists, have poor social skills, and spend their weekends fixing up and flying hobby planes.
ALL are notoriously tight-fisted when it comes to money. Surviving on beans and rice on minimum wage in their early careers – while getting their flying hours up – instills frugality.
I once saw a Captain order the most expensive bottle of red wine at a Johannesburg restaurant where thirty crew were dining en masse. He hid it under the table then added it to the split bill at the end of the meal.
So what are YOUR thoughts on flying, Air Zodiac, up-in-the-air Sun Signs?
Image: Jules De Balincourt