How To Scorp

Matthew McConaughey posted this picture on his Instagram last Friday, right after the news that he was ‘in talks’ to star in a Yellowstone ‘franchise extension’. 

While the Daily Mail called the image a “thirst trap,” it is actually a master-class in major manipulative fuqery from a triple Scorpio.

Study the following factors and you too can Scorp people out in style. Yes, even if you are not an actual Scorpio.

(1) For the last few weeks “rumors have been swirling” that the super-successful television series is to end or that the current lead – cantankerous Capricorn Kevin Costner – is to be replaced because of his “complicated shooting schedule.”

Sure, Kevin has Pluto parked on his Sun right now and while this would be good for rage-method-acting, you can imagine the potential for existential snits over the catering. Anyway, ‘rumor swirling’ is a prerequisite to Scorping.

In McConaughey’s case, his Gemini Rising helps and he would have the budget to hire apprentice magician rumor swirlers.

Naturally you feign zen oblivion or an extreme taste for simplicity should anyone ask you about the swirling rumors.

(2) Drawing straight from the Marcus Aurelius manual, McConaughey ensures that his image is ultra-laconic.

His management reps will be hardcore haggling over the renumeration and probably pushing the deal right to the line – performative walk-outs, shit-eyes across the boardroom table, bringing goons to lunch etc.

The longer that goes on, the more chilled our Scorp will appear. An increasing amount of “insiders” will regale the entertainment media with tales of terrible behaviour from Costner and even his assistant.

Interestingly, Kurt Russell briefly popped up as a contender but seems to have faded out.

It would be well within the Scorping protocols to enthuse over the older Piscean actor, wonder aloud if he may be a little bit ‘mellow’ for the role and have your people gift him a biodynamic Godfather OG seedling, cultivated – you say in your anonymous note from ‘an admirer’ – by Etruscan druids.

Supporting Psy-Ops could include discovering who in the production office is an avid vegan or vegetarian and having someone chat casually to them about how interesting it is that Kurt Russell is actually a keen hunter – his kills, the trophies etc.

It’s almost too easy but then…for the final strike: your casual Friday pic.

(3) When you’re Scorping, you don’t look directly at camera in pix like these – that’s a dead giveaway that you’re staging a photo op. No, you’re doing the opposite of that – absorbed in your landline (!) phone call, feet on the desk etc.

This sends several messages:

(a) That you are hot, obviously but not a preener, louche or a prima-donna.

(b) You’re easy-going, the kind of cool guy who just glides onto the set – no pretensions – doesn’t screech when the wifi goes down or the chlorine filter on the shower didn’t arrive.

(c) Look at the dinky little vitamin bottle – Nature’s Bounty Spirulina or whatever. No bulk creatine deliveries, scary reaction when you mistake the hormone solution for your shots with the fat-dissolving explosive diarrhea off-label thing. Just you and your – apart from the 2 million per episode concept – simple tastes.

The next step, if a deal is not struck by the time Saturn goes into Pisces, would be some more rumor swirling but this time about your potential involvement in a massive, soon-to-be-iconic movie deal – an adaptation of Neal Stephenson’s Cryptonomicon, for example.

Thoughts?

Note: Matthew McConaughey has the Sun, Mercury and Neptune in Scorpio. His Mercury is directly opposite Saturn in Taurus and both are square Mars in Aquarius. This is tense aspect that does demand recreational releases like drumming etc but it is also fantastic for strategic acumen.