Ten Astrological Varieties Of Infidelity

Which Sun Signs are the most likely to cheat? Who knows. It’s a perennial question but there is no particular sign who is more easily distracted or dislikes monogamy. There are, however, ten astrological styles of infidelity based on the Sun, Moon and planets.

Here they are – can you relate to any?

* Pluto-Infidelity:  The Reset affair. It’s bigger than the both of you, compulsive, and karmic feeling. You don’t give a fuq. You work out. You have a lot of energy to expand – it’s the plutonic life force endorphins. My god, you do brain alchemy. You morph. The complications are, like, irrelevant compared to the volcanic Pluto vibe. It makes you feel ALIVE.  Practically everyone else thinks you’ve finally flipped but they have to admit you look good.

* Moon Infidelity:   “I’ve never felt understood like this before.” You get the validation you need or someone to murmur sympathetic platitudes as you bitch about your partner non-stop. You’ll pay maybe any price at all to keep the emotional feed  mainlining and, actually, maybe the other person is charging you? It’s the most likely infidelity style to be entirely emotional – rarely physical – or a psychotherapy crush.

* Jupiter Infidelity: You’re not hitch-hiking any more, you’re riding –  you’re in the driver’s seat, you’re in control, you can afford an upgrade, right…RIGHT?  It’s not like you ever wanted a small life. Someone else can do the wifework or the tedious Boyfriend Experience duties. Your side-lover and you like panoramic views, broad philosophies and speculative ventures – you see the bigness in one another. Eg: You’d never discuss who paid the phone bill or not – you talk about international telecommunications cartels.

* Mercury Infidelity:  It’s not really infidelity as such because it’s only phone sex. And some texting that could maybe be emotional infidelity. BUT you were in a transit lounge,  not even in a country at all according to international law. If you only hint at a betrayal, as in a cryptic allusion to something that could technically undermine your partner, is that infidelity? Or espionage? Does it not imply that marriage or a relationship is more like a religion and that that to connect with another person is to be a heretic? You’re delighted if your partner questions your faithfulness because you’ve been wanting to share a think piece/meme/leak about the link between bread additives and the need for novelty…

* Neptune Infidelity: My god, nothing happened! Or did it? You were high. It was a cult. They framed you. It was the peyote in the Blue Devil Hoochie Juice. It’s not like anything ever happens in real life but is it infidelity if you think about them for up to ten hours a day? Or during sex? You need an Imaginary Lover to get through the day. It’s not like you’re a zombie or addicted or anything. You do, however, worship them and your enjoyment of the ‘connection’ would satisfy the diagnostic criteria for an addiction. You don’t care because you’re not giving this up, you don’t care if they’re a figment and the technicolor dreams are fabulous.

* Saturn Infidelity: You sleep with your accountant to get a better outcome. It’s part of doing good business. Plus they’re hot. It’s not like you’re not enjoying it. The accountant expenses the lunch beforehand, and you enter the kilojoules burned in your fitness tracker.  All profit – no loss. You calculated it. The “plausible deniability” factor is also high. Or you cheat on your partner with your work or business. Frankly, it’s far more rewarding and at least your bank account is going to drone on about their boring family all night when you’re trying to power-sleep.

* Sun Infidelity: You fall back in love with yourself. You’re all about rediscovering the music you like, dressing how you want and reading in bed when you feel like it. You want to live by your light – not someone else’s rapidly rigidifying pomposity. You cheat on them with high quality solitude or beaming your identity out full-bore without apology. Noticing that your partner seems envious/lost/irritated when you’re self-actualizing is probably the cue to run off with yourself.

* Venus Infidelity: It would be criminal to deny yourself or the other person the pleasure of your beauty, tinkly laugh, and luxuriant company. Besides, you know that lovers always operate best in a sort of free market of love environment. Competition hones instincts. It’s not personal. It’s not vindictive. You have a short attention span, like the honey-bee who goes from flower to flower. Who would dare say that one is more attractive than another? You read a lot of Rumi. Buying new underwear makes you in the mood for a fling.

* Mars Infidelity: You’re on performance drugs and training for an elite marathon called Life.  Seducing your soon-to-be exes business partner/brother/wife/whatever is just part of the play: a power statement. If living well is the best revenge, why can’t it include an orgasm with someone who would rile the person who fuqed you over? It makes you feel more serene than meditation ever did and besides, monogamy made you flaccid.

* Uranus Infidelity: How can it be “cheating” when the whole system is gamed against you, and the most insane, anti-human expectations are enshrined as moral superiority?! You’re not going to form part of a docile consumer voting unit, and you cannot yoke something as complex and primordial as sexuality or even your mind into a clapped out bourgeois gulag.