Few realize that the beauty therapists of the galaxy can be practically grouped into planetary categories. Yes, even the ones operating on Earth. Here are the main types. You may have encountered some of these galactic archetypes already. Or, perhaps you are booking an appointment with one of them this very week?
The Sun Beauty Therapist
She appears from the shadows, a seemingly flawless vision of immaculate maquillage, manicure and the scent of stealth wealth. The Sun Beauty Therapist keeps one eye on the mirror and one eye on you. Her monologue is a soft bubbling stream of subtle one-ups and name drops – she works, but one day a week, she’s studying Ikebana, actually at her apartment in Japan.
Fortunately, her modeling years left her with good friends there, and her hedge fund hubby is “Oh sorry, did some of that lash tint go in your eyes. It won’t sting for long, anyway...” You will leave looking almost as gleaming as the Sun Beauty Therapist, but you will be mysteriously exhausted, barely making it home to flop onto your couch. You need to be close to animals, nature or high glycemic index foods, fast. Everyone says you look amazing.
The Moon Beauty Therapist
Her treatment room is like a perfumed womb with soft fluffy towels and not even a hint of damp. Everything smells like lavender or lemongrass; the music is soothing but not cloying. Her core competency is massage, and her touch immediately removes all angst. You tell her everything and then fall asleep dribbling into your rosemary clay face masque.
In between bouts of hypnotic birdsong and the Moon Beauty Therapist painting goo on your face like an art restorer working on an Old Master, you’re vaguely paranoid. Was “everything” too much of an overshare? Then you realize that the therapist has faint lilac rays shooting out of her fingers. Nothing gets done in the treatment that you could not do yourself but your chakras re-balance and your face is clean.
The Mercury Beauty Therapist
She is a vortex of information on everything from the tabloid geishas to the latest “it” herbal supplement, skin care ingredients, and local council machinations. She does not shut up, interrupts herself and you but provides a motherlode of precious ideas and inspo. At first, you want to ask the Mercury Beauty Therapist to stop chattering and let you be in a more contemplative mode.
But you quickly realize that you are in the presence of a kind of quantum data portal and that everything you need to know will come to you during a leg wax. Her soundtrack was released that week, and she is also a D.J. It’s impossible to tell how old she is and her beauty advice comes in cryptic riddles, like the Sphinx.
The Venus Beauty Therapist
Dear God you think, early into the treatment; Is she in love with me? The Venus Beauty Therapist maintains hypnotic eye contact and sends off pheromonal signals of sensual affinity, soul connection and well, something that seems libidinal. Her questions seem like pillow talk, and she acts besotted. Halfway through the treatment, you’ve committed to a course of ten sugar-bamboo-bark body scrubs and are angling to get her to come to a theatre event with you. You’ve told about ten white lies to impress her, but so what?
After the treatment, one glance in her low-lit, rose-tinted bordello mirrors convinces you that goddess energy is enhancing your aura. You spend the electricity bill money on crushed diamond toenail varnish, alien aloe vera stem cell peptide serum and perfume that you didn’t smell but which has a fabulous container. You really love packaging. And who needs power when you have Inner Glow?
The Mars Beauty Therapist
After an aggressive micro-dermabrasion and halfway through the second of what will be several excruciating acidic peels, it occurs to you that beauty therapy may not have been this woman’s first ambition. She initially aspired to road resurfacing or terraforming hostile planets. When you complain about the pumpkin skin mask stinging, the Mars Beauty Therapist appraises you with the cool gaze of a Navy SEAL recruiter at the start of Hell Week. “You need to toughen up,” she says. “This is a war. You’ve got dead skin cells, discoloration, and lines that need correcting.”
The Mars Beauty Therapist permits herself a grim sigh, as she assesses the terrain in front of her. “It will be painful, but we’re going to do derma-rolling,” she says, brandishing an instrument that looks like a miniature Tower of London torture device. “I’ll get my 1000x magnification mirror so I can show you what we’re dealing with here.” The background music is Nineties Club Anthems streamed straight from her gym music playlist. Indeed, she is extremely fit.
The Jupiter Beauty Therapist
You think you’ve gone into the wrong place because of the sheer amount of stuff the Jupiter Beauty Therapist is selling. It is like an Aladdin’s Cave of beauty and wellness product. It’s verging on hoarding, but she sells a heap of it a week, so nothing sits there. She’s big, generous, cackling and the opposite of a Qi Vampire. She flatters, spoons huge dollops of skin cream into jars for you to try, presses fancy soap upon you and lets you bring your children, dogs, and problems into her sanctum. When the Jupiter Beauty Therapist is not talking to you about her new range of boob cream, she’s trying to hook you up with this guy she knows. She’s the top salesperson in her realm, a pyramid schemer and big thinker.
She’s leveraged up into laser machines, fat melters and soon, she tells you excitedly, cryogenics. Her treatments are expensive because the interest rates kill and she pays per pulse. But you can finance everything, as she does. After a glass of champagne with some midazolam to take the edge off the saggy jowl radio-frequency zapper, you’re high enough to think you’re in a D-list Sci-Fi.
And you’re delighted to lie back and plan expansive visionary new deals with the Jupiter Beauty Therapist in hazmat laser goggles like a buxom terminator. “There’s a new filler coming on the market,” she says, waving a syringe full of the old filler excitedly. “You can do liquid total body lifts. You need to get a horse IVF syringe to do it.” She is nearly always just back from or about to embark on some crazy high concept holiday.
The Saturn Beauty Therapist
Her demeanor is more like that of a neurosurgeon or elite policy wonk, and she immediately inspires trust. The Saturn Beauty Therapist plays contemporary classical music, has organic, hemp or bamboo fabric gowns/towels and stocks costly tiny pots of facial product from “a dermatologist who is also an architect in Norway.” Or “the scientist who mapped the Vitamin K genome.” It has to be kept in the fridge and is patent pending.
But what she’s passionate about now is how trigeminal nerve manipulation (yes she’s studying cranial something) restores the natural integrity of the facial structure. She hasn’t eaten processed food this decade but senses that you may be “less strict” than her. She can tell how many grams of trans-fats and sugar a person consumes by their skin texture and demeanor.
The Saturn Beauty Therapist says that without an anti-inflammatory strategy, no skincare or beauty treatment will work, ever. She is against exfoliation and explains why, during the facial treatment. You fall asleep halfway through the advanced reasoning bit, dreaming of high mountain fortresses and clear air.
Image: Space 1999
I would cling to the Moon therapist like a lost child who has found their mother again. Never underestimate the beauty value of aligned chakras. And I would trust absolutely the Saturnian therapist. It’s not called ‘cell structure’ for nothing.
I am looking, ever looking in life, for the perfect Sun/Moon/Venus combo beauty therapist. I want someone to work slick, bubbly witchcraft on me, while making me laugh, playing fun rock n’ roll, and handing me colorful lip gloss as I go to function as a lucky totem.
Mars and Jupiter made me laugh and laugh, especially the horse IVF syringe and Navy SEAl recruiter bits.
Thanks Mystic – so true- I have met them all – and they are all great in their own way – applies to massage therapists too!
Love this MM. Could read this for hours.
The women and estranged hyper sexual husband that I lived with for 2 nights…she was the Jupiter Beauty Therapist you described as above. I didn’t think it was hygienic for the black male pussy cat to be sleeping on the therapy bed. I did end up buying the little blue bottle containing a month supply of supplement to turn on my NRF gene.
Some years ago I did have a beauty therapy treatment once with a women that appeared in my dream. She told me her and her husband were able to set up a business. I told her about this and she said, I never told a soul…how did I know? I explained she had visited me in a dream and told me about it.
Oh my god, I am already in love with ok all of them but especially the Mars and Saturn beauty therapist versions. Of course it is my Venus moon placements in Aries and cap… I love sibilant soothing styles too tho.. like ASMR plus beauty work but it has to Work
This post is perfectly timed though. It occurred to me today. What if, like, perfume and make up is actually one form of self care? I mean if you feel amxious or (temporarily) empty inside can fortifying the exterior in impermanent and shallow ways actually be a thing? Is this the basic-level Saturn in 2h Leo, and Libra node in security-focused 4th house talking? I get this sounds clueless with the qty of venusians here but yeah
“What if, like, perfume and make up is actually one form of self care?” Oh heck yeah, whether you’re clutching the totemistic and beautiful packaging with you all day long, taking hits of the perfume’s scent all day, or repeatedly adding a coat, you would be amazed at how helpful it can sometimes be to have a beauty “good luck charm,” for lack of a better term.
You’re amazing Mystic
I’m a moon beauty therapist hahahaha….cancer sign of course.
Who’s the Reality Beauty Therapist? … as in the one you have when you don’t have one. I stopped colouring my hair a year ago and now its au naturel aka silver on top with a salt and pepper strip and then a dark strip at the bottom. It’s like bailage without the actual hairdresser and spending 240 bucks. I have no idea why I chose to do this aside from Chronic Regrowth Fatigue.
I’m only 48 so people look at me funny because I still dress boho/Cancer something … but they FREAK at the hair. It’s like I’ve walked out in public nude and flashed my vagina or something … oh and now I don’t get eyeballed by 30-45 year olds. I get the 50 plus brigade giving me the once over.
Bah who gives a shit anyway…… saved a bunch of money on hair dye. AND quite smoking ….ok I vape. But I still quit smoking. So NER. Reading back over that it sounds like Saturn/Pluto transiting my Sun and Venus has gotten me real yo.
Well there you go! I’ve also gotten strange about food … as in any type of processed food. My mum finally got home after two months in hospital and I felt guilty for buying that shop bought mayonnaise … I mean I’m perfectly capable of making my own mayo and once you’ve had a real thing it feels like a cardinal sin to eat the processed stuff. But as her carer and being so busy I was SO tired…. it’s been a trying few months.
This is utterly hilarious – I think my therapist is a Jupiter type lol
I’ve said this before, but I absolutely love it when MM posts this particular astro-science speculative fiction style. I want to read a book of it. In one sitting.
thank you!
Agree with Amanita — would love a book version! 🙂
Definitely Saturn… have not touched soda in years. Despise processed foods. Proud ketogenic diet before it became a fad. I also incorporate intermittent fasting.
And a hint of Jupiter. That IVF syringe sounds like a neat idea.
Slight lifestyle crush here
No mention of the Pluto beautician? I can only assume that that’s because she’s hard to find. She works in a secret mountain location next to natural hot springs. She claims to be a Zoroastrian nun who has taken the vow of silence, but i happen to know otherwise – she simply detests small talk & is a firm believer in the curative power of silence. You will never hear wafting New Age muzak, Enya, nor whale song at her sanctuary.
A session with the Pluto beautician involves an overnight stay, 150ml of your blood and the following procedures.
1: A soak in the sulphur rich hot springs situated by an ancient yew grove, while sipping a dandelion root infusion.
2: Colonic irrigation using homoeopathically infused spring water with activated charcoal sourced from coconut carbon.
(Another soak in the sulphur spring)
3: A massage – which is more akin to a pummelling with strange & prolonged wrestling holds – after which the oil is scraped off from your body with an ebony blade. This is then followed by laying of warm polished volcanic rocks on the chakra points – with particular focus on the root chakra.
4: A complete body mask using rare Lemnian clay – once famous throughout the ancient world for it’s purifying and healing properties & which is now only extracted once a year on the isle of Lemnos (on 6 August) under the supervision of Christian monks and Turkish officials.
(Another soak in the sulphur spring)
6: Autohemotherapy revitalisation (optional – depending on your blood analysis)
5: After an infusion of valerian & poppy seeds, it is candles out & straight to bed in one of the deep underground chambers (apparently the Schumann resonance is stronger here and helps accelerate tissue repair).
After a deep 12 – 16 hours sleep which is the average that people sleep here (though a frequent client – a famous lead guitarist aka The Human Riff, holds the record of 72 hrs straight) your mind is so clear, your body so light & your senses so sharp that you feel like a goddess reborn.
As you leave, the Pluto beautician hands you a container with herbs and unctions that she has prepared for your needs based on your blood sample analysis, plus a 3 day supply of Pluto Water to aid in further elimination of toxins.
After you emerge into your everyday world you are guaranteed to hear variations on: “Wow, you look fuqing fantastic – you are positively glowing – what have you done?!” I never tell.
No. The Uranian beautician has LASERS that get the job done before you can even open your mouth to start small talk.
I absolutely gorge on fruit – all fruit. And my father who is hugely Uranian (his is in Taurus) grows fruit trees as a hobby – he has literally hundreds of different varieties of fruit trees/vines/shrubs from all over the planet.
Very True. I have Aquamen —9 and 11….. are they fruit and yogurt lovers!!!
Also REALLY HUGE carrots are fun–esp. while on acid. I ate soo many raw carrots when I was a little Aqua. And DEFFO I was using my own homemade fruit scrubs on my clients. Tomato-oatmeal was also very popular.
Aqua ascendant and yes! We need those antioxidants and easily accessible natural sugars to keep our brains going whirrrr whirrrrr whirrrrrrrr
This sounds so wonderful
right? And if we add the Uranian element, we can all go into biz together. the Next thing we know, Kardashians and Beyonces and Lilos and all those types will be our clients.
I’m a Uranian hospitality executive with extensive spa management experience who is currently contemplating a self-imposed exile to a property in The Middle of Nowhere, GA because frankly I hate where I am living, what I am doing for work and who I am romantically involved with right now. Basically, count me in.
A) This sounds AWESOME and should TOTALLY be a biz plan for a Santa Fe location. Let’s do it, skarab. My license is totally transferrable from CA and if I end up having to go back to the States, THIS is the way to stay afloat during the coming crises. B) I actually know someone who goes by “Human Riff.” Like, when we all see him at Stones shows we’re like “Hey! Fleatbit! HRiff!!!”
(KR is quite famously a rhythm player, btw.)
(Damn, i was going for ambiguity with KR – but the cat’s outta the bag now)
And yeah, Pluto beauty retreat is totally feasible anywhere with right location & natural hot springs. As long as i don’t have to talk i’m in babe.
I’m going to come back here after my PhD is done you guys and whether I stay in the UK or not, I’m gonna be like “ALRIGHT. Guys! Plutonian Spa, let’s do it! I’ve got Mars in Aries and lots of planets in fixed and cardinal signs so I’m ready to do grunt work OR PR work, as necessary.
As an astrologer whose day job is being an esthetician, I’m in LOVE with this post MM!! Fabulous creativity…
We all need the Saturn therapist but is there a Neptune one? Or did she suddenly quit while muttering something about thalassotherapy in Atlantis…?
I think I was a Uranian Beauty Therapist…is that even a thing? Plutonian? I’d immediately get into huge philosophical convos and we’d sort of forget why the client was there, but I was balls out at vintage and up ‘dos….they gave me the weddings and the crazies. I had one client who would refuse to leave the salon until I did my Michael McDonald impersonation.
I would be Uranian too. Everything happens very quickly with zaps from the high frequency facial machine and the treatments are all “experimental”.
Hey, mah mang. How you doin?
you go to the opposite side. Capricorn, pisces, taurus. …
Capricorn: Structure. big picture. Making the phone call, calling a family meeting. Lacing up the cold muddy boots over your wet socks again because you have to walk the last 5k before nightfall and the drizzle has set in.
Pisces: it’s the bubbles of nothing that make it really something. Embrace sky-mind. * forgiveness *
Taurus: the only thing that exists is your five senses, and gravity. Eat, drink, doona, TV, elite-level relaxing.
No, I am not being cheeky…
listen to tara brach. google her. that one’s for real. i am very attached to her 🙂 pi x
LOVE that muddy boots over wet socks metaphor for Capricorn! (Wish i could love doing it – i just feel grim satisfaction in clearing it off my plate, fuelled by resentment of the task.)
If I may be so bold: A Virgo/Cancer detaches by using Scorp. Go deep, but do it recreational. Like almost
Low Scorp. Ignore the persnickityness of the other two. Chocolate. Red wine. Beggars Banguet. Prodigal Son especially.
Please be well no matter what.
My new can’t stop playing is “Winter” of Goat’s Head.
OMG. I’m wigging out. Maya from Space 1999!!! Total space witch! Love.
Also, I love how there are seven of these archetypes. I’m not a beauty therapist but my Mars in Libra is wondering if I could somehow pull off emulating each one, rotating daily like days of the week underpants. Inspiring! Super fun post.
The Mars Beauty Therapist bit just described my beauty routine.
Yes, I do have rock-hard abs.
And a full 1st house.
Biggest challenge of the teen years- the quest for a proper hairdresser who gets your teen and doesn’t leave them worse off.
Our year long search brought sons through many Bieberesque disasters.
Fled from: gossipy Qi Vamp-Mars- ruled-pr–k who yanked my Mergirl’s locks and snarled at her. The Mars dude “does” much of the extended family, who marvel that we detest him.
Scattered spazzy Gem who gave Beatles cuts and charged Hollywood rates.
Finally desperate, I asked a chic co-worker where her teens go for hair- she guided me to our beloved Scorp Scissors Mage, P- who demands and gives loyalty, doesn’t gossip and whom we gladly pay for perfection.
He up-levelled the Bieber boy locks (ugh) into edgy-cool. Ever grateful to him. He sees the inner evolution before they do and styles accordingly.
Once, one son saw another stylist as P. was away. P. sternly asked me whose cut was better. I glanced down, and deploying full Libra tact murmured, “What can I say?”. He smiled and nodded.
I gravitated to another beloved hair healer at the same salon, for Mergirl and myself. She is Kataka- a younger mum- grows her food-chatters at high speed about best bang for buck beauty/hair/nutrition-probably Gem Mercury- She recounts awful but true tales of gun-toting Pluto-fueled ex- while sharing best sourced toxin free unguents. Saturn-perfect cuts softened with some height. An alchemist with color-
Lily Tomlin, in the 80s- presented Boucher- a hairdresser who terrorized clients with vengeful asymmetrical haircuts-inspired perhaps by that Uranus-Pluto conjunction…
Fuq you’re a talented writer! Can’t help but feel this is actually a scene from a ’Vanadium and the electric sheep’ story. Is it a multiple choice in a catalogue or one of the Fates advising on options? Who knows. It’s glossy, and on a high quality print stock.
I’m not one for beauty treatments, but of the few I’ve had I recognize some familiarities.
Perfection. Am getting a facial + massage this afternoon and am exited to see who with!
She was half moon/half mars.
That is so funny but so true. I have had a few of these treatment with everyone of them! I bought cream that I don’t need and end up paying a fortune. I should know better at my age but what the!