Welcome to Valentine’s Day Astrology. Saint Valentine was not an Aquarius. Even by Stolen Pagan Festival standards, it seems ridiculous to schedule a festival of schmultz, gypsophila, convention-sanctioned togetherness, and the Dining Dead during Aquarius Season.
Aquarius classically despises officially mandated celebrations and sentimental gestures. They’re more moved by a cognitive connection than anything else. The most impressive gift you can offer an Aquarius is usually Space.
Poor Valentine officially perished on Feb 14. But even that ‘fact’ was likely an invention to overlay the funky fertility festival. People preferred mead-fuelled heathen naked cavortings to church. The plump babies with arrows of love – a naffed up version of the Ancient Roman God Cupid – flowers, chocolates, and expectations all came later.
The actual Saint Valentine was torn apart by mules on the orders of a capricious Emperor. “That reminds me…” said the dog park Sagittarius I was discussing this with, “I need to go and sign my divorce papers.”
This year’s Valentine’s Day comes with ultra-weird astrology. No matter where you are at regarding relationships, there is a weird Valentine’s Day Astrology option for everyone! For your actual astrology then, see the Horoscopes. However here are some suggestions:
The Uranus In Taurus Is Coming Soon Valentine’s Day Celebration
Partnered or not, you decide to build yourself a new couch. In between researching sustainable fabrics and hemp stuffing, you devise a new era relationship manifesto. Your priorities are orgasms and securing an informed investment/business partner.
The Mercury In Pisces For Eight Weeks Valentine’s Day Celebration
It’s a paranormal romance that you intend to commit to once Pluto crosses the South Node from mid-March to mid-April. You need only nootropics and a Mugwort infused sleeping mask. Valentine’s Day Getaway Destination: Atlantis.
The Mars/Uranus Conjunction And Chiron into Aries Any Minute Valentine’s Day Celebration
The only relationship you’re putting quality energy into is with the people you’re hiring to help you actualize. You decide to allocate focus toward a shamanic clearing ceremony to purify your auric field from past romances and delusions. But if it takes more than 18 minutes, you’re out. You invent an app that adapts Kirlian photography techniques to measure the integrity of an aura.
The Venus In Capricorn Near Saturn Valentine’s Day Celebration
If partnered, you book a relationship audit. It will identify key performance metrics and areas for improvement. If single, you put a line of salt across the front door and murmur a silent prayer of gratitude as you browse the Daily Mail’s sidebar of shame. Self-containment is the new Mindfulness, you muse as you slip between your chic sheets. You buy your own perfume. You quietly nurture long-established friendships and professional alliances.
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