Vanadium Lightyear had no idea how she got onto Supernatural Tinder.
She’d done the Deflecting Karma Drama course, opted out of Ad Drones and was not even Diversion Dating.
She was literally on there seeking a new partner, with realistic and sane expectations.
Because it looked more or less the same as the usual app, it was only her Paranormality Alarm Monitor going off that alerted her.
It was not just her being uniquely undateable, she reflected. This was a whole new scene and far more engrossing than the back-cataloging of space junk she was still working on part-time.
Vanadium began to compile a list.
The People You Meet On Supernatural Tinder –
* The Real Housewives Of Hades – being disincarnate did not slow them down at all. In fact, even the crossing over had not been difficult. It reminded them of the time they had midazolam for a laser lift and then went straight to lunch. It was weird but socially manageable. There were disincarnate stylists, publicists, and lawyers. Pool Boys and feuds still existed. They all agreed that though they would like to do more haunting and had plenty of targets in mind, it was disappointingly too much of an energy suck. They all had the same manicure: crushed up Palladium with Pluto Powder.
* Astral Tourists – super annoying people on Ayahuasca or other drugs, astral-tripping with no idea that they were on the astral plains, not actually in a nightclub or Peruvian rainforest hut with jaguar decor. Some of them, flatteringly, mistook Vanadium for a deity or – weirdly – a fairy.
* Ghost Bolters – Strange emanations of people who’d spent so much time bullshitting online that they’d somehow burned a sector of their psyche permanently into Supernatural Tinder. Only, it was obvious that they were not really in either dimension. “I like yachting and indeed, I have a…” they’d type before crackling in and out like a hologram. Sometimes they mixed up lifetimes, starting to lie about being ‘basically divorced’ but forgetting which partner, what place, remembering only that their suburb was leafy.
* The Karma Police – Some of these relics still lurked around, despite having been decommissioned and replaced by the Neptunian Life Coaches. They were sexist, racist and usually out of touch, given to making judgments about different styles of incarnations to avoid action against actual inequity and oppression. Nobody liked them in any dimension but they would occasionally seek out sex on Supernatural Tinder.
* Your Ex From Atlantis – Past life love interests were a huge problem on Supernatural Tinder. The familiarity exerted such a potent pull that it was practically impossible to resist. But the complexity of restarting dialogue with this one, in particular, kept Vanadium awake for nights on end, gazing out through the fogs of Chronopolis, trying to stay offline.
* Neptunian Life Coaches – Omnipresent on Supernatural Tinder, the coaches were constantly reminding people that 94% of a Neptune Transit occurred ‘in the astral.’
* Alien Algorithms – It was the operating system behind Supernatural Tinder, apparently. Nobody quite knew what they were up to, the galaxy they were from or what they were collecting data for but they seemed to be benevolent. And their matching technique was flawless. Even the Neptunian Life Coaches claimed not to know anything, though they admitted that the algorithm collected data across different lifetimes, hence Vanadium’s ex from Atlantis popping up.
* Space Dust Shamans – They only ever pretended to be interested in intimacy when there was decent design involved and so nobody knew why they were even on Supernatural Tinder. Vanadium suspected that it had something to do with the Real Housewives Of Hades. But she could not prove it and besides, maybe the Space Dust Shamans went where-ever there was electricity, wi-fi, and high-frequency aspiration. They really didn’t care which dimension, so long as they thought it was chic.
Image: Michael Whelan
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