Find Your Next Paranormal Romance On Supernatural Tinder

nude man and woman on bridge with giant Nautilus shell - Seventies Science Fiction art

Vanadium Lightyear had no idea how she got onto Supernatural Tinder.

She’d done the Deflecting Karma Drama course, opted out of Ad Drones and was not even Diversion Dating.

She was literally on there seeking a new partner, with realistic and sane expectations in the world of supernatural dating.

Because it looked more or less the same as the usual Tinder app, it was only her Paranormality Alarm Monitor going off that alerted her.

It was not just her being uniquely undateable, she reflected. This was a whole supernatural dating new scene. And far more engrossing than the back-cataloging of space junk she was still working on part-time.

Vanadium began to compile a list.

The People You Meet On Supernatural Tinder –

The Real Housewives Of Hades

Being disincarnate did not slow them down at all. In fact, even the crossing over had not been difficult. It reminded them of the time they had midazolam for a laser lift and then went straight to lunch. It was weird but socially manageable. There were disincarnate stylists, publicists, and lawyers. Pool Boys and feuds still existed. They all agreed that though they would like to do more haunting and had plenty of targets in mind. However, it was disappointingly too much of an energy suck. They all had the same manicure: crushed up Palladium with Pluto Powder.

Astral Tourists

Super annoying people on Ayahuasca or other drugs, astral-tripping with no idea that they were on the astral plains, not actually in a nightclub or Peruvian rainforest hut with jaguar decor.  Some of them, flatteringly, mistook Vanadium for a deity or – weirdly – a fairy.

Ghost Bolters

Strange emanations of people who’d spent so much time bullshitting online that they’d somehow burned a sector of their psyche permanently into Supernatural Tinder. Only, it was obvious that they were not really in either dimension. “I like yachting and indeed, I have a…” they’d type before crackling in and out like a hologram. Sometimes they mixed up lifetimes. Starting to lie about being ‘basically divorced’ but forgetting which partner, what place, remembering only that their suburb was leafy.

The Karma Police

Some of these relics still lurked around, despite having been decommissioned and replaced by the Neptunian Life Coaches. They were sexist, racist and usually out of touch. As well as given to making judgments about different styles of incarnations to avoid action against actual inequity and oppression. Nobody liked them in any dimension but they would occasionally seek out sex on Supernatural Tinder.

Your Ex From Atlantis

Past life love interests were a huge problem on Supernatural Tinder. The familiarity exerted such a potent pull that it was practically impossible to resist. But the complexity of restarting dialogue with this one, in particular, kept Vanadium awake for nights on end, gazing out through the fogs of Chronopolis, trying to stay offline.

Neptunian Life Coaches

Omnipresent on Supernatural Tinder, the coaches were constantly reminding people that 94% of a Neptune Transit occurred ‘in the astral.’

Alien Algorithms

It was the operating system behind Supernatural Tinder, apparently. Nobody quite knew what they were up to. The galaxy they were from or what they were collecting data for. But they seemed to be benevolent. And their supernatural dating matching technique was flawless. Even the Neptunian Life Coaches claimed not to know anything. Although they admitted that the algorithm collected data across different lifetimes, hence Vanadium’s ex from Atlantis popping up.

Space Dust Shamans

They only ever pretended to be interested in intimacy when there was decent design involved. So nobody knew why they were even on Supernatural Tinder. Vanadium suspected that it had something to do with the Real Housewives Of Hades. But she could not prove it and besides, maybe the Space Dust Shamans went where-ever there was electricity, wi-fi, and high-frequency aspiration. They really didn’t care which dimension. So long as they thought it was chic.

 

Image: Michael Whelan

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redondo.bleach
redondo.bleach
January 17, 2019 7:40 am

Vanadium is way aspirational

Centaurus
Centaurus
January 15, 2019 9:57 pm

This ain’t my scene… even in a parallel universe but I DID enjoy reading your creative take on it. I daresay you can have IRL as well as virtual experiences of this and which is the easiest to navigate (rhetorical) ? Some ‘types’ trigger inbuilt auto-repellent in your auric field and others short circuit the perimeter and once inside commence their (unique, well rehearsed, sometimes applauded, often validated) brand of the peacock dance of desire and woo and the tactile contact may be harder to resist than the infamous swipe L/R (whatever does what and whatever to that lol) and… Read more »

S
S
January 15, 2019 5:35 pm

Brilliant MM.
I’m feeling this post, it vibes my own online dating reality.

Lux Interior Is My Co-Pilot
Lux Interior Is My Co-Pilot
January 15, 2019 1:30 pm

I’m dying…so good

They all had the same manicure: crushed up Palladium with Pluto Powder.

Rubent
Rubent
January 15, 2019 2:37 am

Oi vey ahahah. At first just reading the title I thought of that huge paradisiacal, but really plebian crowd on the party spaceship in 5th element. Is is weird that I often get the Space Dust Shaman vibe from ‘single’, workaholic type men who have Pluto in Libra and no real ties to anyone outside themselves or those involved in their work? (I think it’s a synastry thing/remnants of my old Karma Police chip spurting old code up from the abyss.) I have never used Tinder because I know I’d be wretched at it. The hairs on the back of… Read more »

Incense
Incense
January 15, 2019 1:45 am

“I like yachting and indeed, I have a…” they’d type before crackling in and out like a hologram.

This made me laugh.

Sam
Sam
January 15, 2019 1:02 am

Kind of vibes like the Mos Eisely Cantina, except dematerialized.

SheRat
SheRat
January 15, 2019 2:12 am
Reply to  Sam

There’s gotta be a bar *somewhere* called Mos Eisely, right?

LotusFlower
LotusFlower
January 15, 2019 12:11 am

Pure hearts for this writing, Mystic. Very astute observations. I have a feeling that I will be subconsciously mulling over a few of these some time to come!

LotusFlower
LotusFlower
January 15, 2019 12:14 am
Reply to  LotusFlower

Re Space dust shamans – like there are some kind of electro-demons out there..

Aishah108
Aishah108
January 14, 2019 9:06 pm

This is Brilliant. Love it.

milleunanotte
milleunanotte
January 14, 2019 6:42 pm

I think i found someone on there, and i didn’t even know i was supernatural tinder-ing.

This is amazing writing, Mystic, it is real to me like you’re a Neptunian Life Coach yourself. And also on a mundane level, bitingly satirical.

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