Pluto in Aquarius was still years away, Vanadium Lightyear reflected ruefully. Vowing not to date at all until then had made sense when she first set that intention. She had been being bombarded with social media, ad-drones and personal messages from her Space Dust addicted narcissistic vampire ex-boyfriend Ronaldo. He said that he wanted her to go to his Deflecting Karma Drama course. But really, he just wanted to (1) make the point that he thought she needed it and (2) brag about how well he was doing.
She’d gone on a Diversion Date with a person who refused to tell her anything about his astrology. “I’m a sign you wouldn’t have heard of,” he said. “It’s illegal to be this sign so the government covered it up but there were 13 signs.” He claimed to have paranormal powers but completely ignored Vanadium’s telekinesis messages.
She was becoming dangerously O.C.D. about Ronaldo. Now, of course, D.K.D. had become this major sensation. It was on every screen she saw, at first making her think that it was just ad-stalking. That nobody actually watched it. Idiot algorithms were just targeting her. But no, everyone she asked about it was “totally into it.” She felt scattered and ungrounded. How could someone she personally knew for a fact was actually dysfunctional beyond belief be shaping young or vulnerable psyches in his own fuqed up fashion? And worse, becoming ridiculously wealthy. Just meditate gazing at flame and drink more entheogenic teas said the cheery messages from Neptunian Life Coaching.
The Real Housewives Of Hades
Weirder, it turned out that Real Housewives Of Hades was not a hypnogogic nightmare, as she had thought. It was real. They were real. Disgruntled dead soap opera stars, demoted dryads fed up with the patriarchal crap of some of the old Gods and aspiring alien deities who just loved the frocks. Not even Neptunian Life Coaching knew the producers or where it was being beamed from. “Television and Screens are Uranian,” they wrote back, in sky-writing. The show was of course, hideously compulsive viewing. She loved the styling of the different dimensions, the hair and how the gladiators kept reincarnating.
Vanadium was still working for the sketchy ex-mercenary, while seeking an actual Space Archeology position in the now more-alluring-than-ever city of Chronopolis. She was not sure if she was just an ordinary insomniac, transitioning into being a polyphasic sleeper or becoming a vampire like Ronaldo. But all the hours spent not-sleeping had sharpened her resolve. She would both out-earn Ronaldo AND be in some form of sane relationship before Pluto in Aquarius. She was going to invent an Artificial Intelligence to go online dating for her. And then, once perfected, she could sell it to a tech company.
Image: Gene Szafran
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