Another Vintage Sexist Astrology Competition

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Right, here we go again. Three hours off Mercury going Direct and here is another Vintage Sexist Astrology Competition.  Tell a funny story (in the one site comments, please) about this image to win one of the prizes below. Or just provide your own incisive “Revolutionary Road” style commentary…this is wide-open and will be judged on Friday!

The prizes are:

  • A Wealth Wallet – practical, snazzy, well-designed and magicked up with as much oomph as can go into one actually useful thing.
  • A Love Warp 9 Consult – the strongest dates, edge insights into your natal Venus and current astral phase.
  • The Mercurial Key Ring – Your go-to talisman for agility, eloquence and the opening of doors…
  • Twenty-Four Months Mega Mystic (including Lifetime Access to the Astro-School) – this can be added onto an existing membership or gifted.
  • Six times Pentacles candles (the Cassia, Fig and Mandarin ones – i stopped selling them as too tricky to ship but there are some left.)

So, please go for it and have fun. Also, you don’t have to stick to this being Leo. Is there another sign of the Zodiac that is actually more difficult for vintage sexist astrology husbands to handle? IS SHE EVEN REALLY GOING HOME TO “MOTHER”?  I think it’s probably the mother-ship. She’s probably a nuclear physicist with the Manhattan Project and he did not even notice, is still trying to mansplain to her how to boil the kettle.

Winners Will Be Announced By Me In The Comments On Friday. I don’t even know what Moon that is. Mercury going Direct is frazzling.

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Year of the Phoenix
Year of the Phoenix

She paused dramatically in the wide open doorway, her 7 inch stilettos imperceptibley tapping. Of course she was not really leaving, the suitcase empty her coat just a prop.

He did seem genuinely startled when she darkly suggested enough was enough so with a dancers grace she raised her chin, spun on her heel and flicked her perfectly coiffure right out of the room.

Her fiery indignation had cooled by the time she hit the bottom step and she slowed to a prowl as he played his part in the game of love

Yumi
Yumi

I am having a difficult time commenting. Testing.

Yumi
Yumi

MALE NARRATOR (Voiceover): GIRLS WHOSE SIGN IS LEO (JULY 23 – AUG. 22) ARE THE MOST DIFFICULT WIVES FOR HUSBANDS TO HANDLE.  SCENE: Middle-aged LEO HUSBAND stands in the entryway of his perfect suburban home with his back towards the viewer, cryptically standing on a pile of newspaper with his shoes on. His palms are up in the the passive-aggressive and exasperated WTF? position. A few feet away, LEO LAURIE, in her perky blonde ponytail, stands facing away from her spouse in a jungle green dress with kitten black heels pointed towards open front door, nose upturned in disgust as… Read more »

Yumi
Yumi

NARRATOR: THEIR TEMPESTUOUS, SELFISH, AND UNPREDICTABLE NATURE CAN ONLY BE RIVALED BY GIRLS WHO HAVE THE MISFORTUNE OF ALSO BEING A FIRE SIGN UNDER SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22 – DEC. 21), WHOSE AVARICIOUS LUST FOR PERSONAL SPACE AND FREEDOM HAS AN UNFORTUNATE TENDENCY TO FLARE UP DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON.


Yumi
Yumi

SAGGO SALLY with aviator glasses perched on top of her messy, chocolate brown beehive hair luxuriates in a claw-foot bathtub, gold-flecked soap bubbles spilling over onto the checkerboard tile floor and dampening the edges of a Moroccan textile printed bath mat.

Yumi
Yumi

SAGGO SALLY: Darling, I’m going to miss you so much over the holidays when I’m in Eurasia recreating the Silk Road journey from a 20th century feminist perspective! Can’t wait to tell you what it’s like to scale Mt. Everest a second time. And I am so excited to finally learn the art of Kama Sutra palm-reading along the Ganges River during New Year’s Eve. Girls, did you want any souvenirs or postcards from the Taj Mahal? SAGGO HUSBAND: You were supposed to pick my mother up three hours ago for our Thanksgiving dinner. I just got off the phone… Read more »

Yumi
Yumi

NARRATOR: SIMILAR IN CAPRICIOUS FEMININE INSTABILITY LIKE THE OTHER FIRE SIGNS, GIRLS WHOSE SIGN IS ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 19) MAKE FOR SLIGHTLY BETTER WIVES THAN LEO AND SAGITTARIUS. THEY MAY BE MORE THAN WILLING TO MAKE PLANS, DO HOUSEHOLD CHORES, AND ORGANIZE YOUR VACATION, BUT AT WHAT COST TO YOUR OWN SANITY AND PEACE OF MIND?  SCENE: Tomboy ARIES ALICE with a jet black page cut, copper-tinted sunglasses, and a mysterious scar cut diagonally across her forehead is beaming with manic joy as her glove-covered hands grip the steering wheel of a sleek red convertible, zooming past curious… Read more »

Yumi
Yumi

NARRATOR: COME TO THINK OF IT, IT IS BEST ADVISED THAT YOU DO NOT MARRY A FIRE SIGN WOMAN, EVER. 
 SCENE: The sun has already set and the sky is in the early stages of twilight, with a few stars peaking out through the smoggy sky. In her golden Ford Thunderbird, LEO LAURIE drives up to a seashell-shaped saloon with pink neon lights that say MOTHER  in the nondescript edges of town surrounded by warehouses and shady-looking alleyways. She scurries into the building with dark-tinted windows, clutching at her suitcase labeled “MOTHER.”
 — NARRATOR: AS A MATTER OF FACT, STAY AWAY… Read more »

Pi
Pi

Holy fuck. This is amazing. pi x

emg
emg

OK come clean… what is your ‘day job’ ?
Way too good.
Or…
If you’re not screenwriting for your day job
YOU SHOULD BE!

Yumi
Yumi

(By Yumi!)

Lux Interior Is My Co-Pilot
Lux Interior Is My Co-Pilot

She WAS a Leo (hello, blonde, great hair) He was a Scorpio and a sulky one at that. She’d had enough of cooking (incredible Italian dishes learned during her time in Rome–female director–the film industry wasn’t ready for her and the sexism was rife)…not that she hated it–but when your culinary arts aren’t met with proper appreciation….it’s all you can do to throw a glass of champagne in his face… She was sick of cleaning—he used to come home with mud on his shoes from his “all night rambles on the heath that you couldn’t possibly understand my dear”…She didn’t… Read more »

Ren
Ren

Lol this is epic

Ren
Ren

Jeffery just didn’t understand that Martha was an accomplished Astro Physicist with Nasa and she just didn’t have time to iron his pants with a crease down the middle of the legs. It was about time to take his shirts to a dry cleaner, preferably organic. As she walked out the door she’ll told him she’ll be back by 10pm after her Nasa convention and she expected a late supper to be ready for her on the table. Otherwise she’ll be going to her mum’s to watch re-runs of Mr. Ed and drink gin and tonics.

BLISS WITCH
BLISS WITCH

If you can overlook the emotional blackmail and the crying jags, a Cancer woman (June 22 – July 22) is both an elegant decorator and an excellent stand-in for Mommy.

gemyogi
gemyogi

‘But Diana, I told you I didn’t mean to step all over your newly washed floor… I didn’t realise…’ But that was the last straw for her. Her Leo sun meant doing housework was beneath her anyway. She should be reclining in an asses’ milk bath being tended to by her slaves. Diana’s Aries ascendant made her slow to anger but once she fired up, all hell broke loose. This was the last time Dick would treat her like a slave, a silly little woman waiting at home for her man. Down with the patriarchy! (maybe she was having a… Read more »

rachel
rachel

Husband: “Change your attitude or leave.”
Wife: *bag’s already packed*

maeve
maeve

Oh Henry, i just can’t stand those drab clothes any longer.
If i’m going to galm up to impress your boss time and again, at least you could make an effort.
It’s hard to shine if your standing in my lime light looking like that.
At least mother understands the need to improve oneself and status in life!

Centaurus
Centaurus

Yes Wilbur, it is regretful that you had to read about it in the local paper. They really didn’t do me any justice in that picture but I suppose they wanted to paint me as a jezebel. We did think we were being discreet. I had hoped to tell you over this Sunday’s pot roast and no, before you ask I wasnt going to invite Judge Pederson. I had thought you might be grateful as I did get your fines to disappear darling. What? Sorry…do try to be reasonable Wilbur, I can’t understand you when you’re blabbering. Where am I going?… Read more »

leogroover
leogroover

Excellent

Kim S
Kim S

Honey, you must I have misunderstood I did’nt say Gentlemen prefer strawberry blondes and I definetly did not make the snide remark at dinner with the Kennedy’s about bleach blonde bimbos. They were your words. Oh my how gorgeous you look when get worked up like this. I was listening and betting on the horses is a lousy way to spend a Wednesday evening know. Come forget about mothers lets go to Tiffanys and catch a Broadway show later its a full moon maybe my luck will turn this weekend when I pitch the idea for a moon landing at… Read more »

Cat
Cat

The mere fact that husbands think they need to ‘handle’ their wives, let alone a Leonine Goddess causes them grave difficulty and confusion. Comfort zones have been completely lost for this young man.

lia
lia

Mr Crab had always suffered from Separation Anxiety which often triggered his weak bladder. Over the years he had developed strategies to cope with this indignity – such as wearing black trousers and black shoes and always having a newspaper upon his person, (to stand on when he could no longer contain the inevitable.) Often, he was able to dispose of the damp paper without anyone noticing or, if out and about, was simply able to walk off, maintaining an air of nonchalance. Madame Leo had long been aware of his dirty little habit and had suggested counselling and natural… Read more »

emg
emg

Hilarious utterly hilarious!
My ex husband was heard to exclaim from the lavatory,
Jesus, what have you given me in those vitamins????
I’ve got hold of a light sabre!!!!!!
Still tickles me. He wasn’t known for his wit.

davidl
davidl

You had to go there didn’t you.

lia
lia

Of course I went there D. There is a reason that the cartoonist put that vibrant yellow under his feet.The fact that it is of a more vibrant and attention grabbing shade than Mdm Leo’s hair, is (as we all know) perfect grounds for divorce.

Nan
Nan

“I am NOT your mother!” she sniffs as she walks out the door….

thelovelyduckling
thelovelyduckling

No longer content with sharing the bed, the mirror, and the sofa with her stodgy Taurus man, she decided to go out and prove that the world really did revolve around her. Mother Earth would be hers…all hers.

emg
emg

Oh honey stop, just because I’ve got a handle on your mother ?

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

*screaming with laughter*

because he looks like he’s reacting to that comment

sphinx
sphinx

“Cupcake, I know you said that this Saturn transit to your North Node was making you reconsider our financial situation and I KNOW you didn’t care for Mother, but surely she deserves a better resting place than off the Westgate Bridge? And a better coffin than your suitcase??”

batshley
batshley

Yet again, Linda Leo found herself “too far” on the pushed scale. Whether she was on the stage, walking to the train station or glamorizing her sins to that one handsome priest at church, she couldn’t help but sprinkle some extra panache into her performances. Life was simply a way for her to work on her craft, why was it only she seemed to understand that? Sighing heavily, Linda remembered what her fortune teller slowly revealed during their last session. It’s true that Nana Neptune was the top psychic in the tri-county area, but Linda still found herself struggling with… Read more »

davidl
davidl

Honey I know that your model agency told you your arms were way too pale and long for that Sports Illustrated shoot but it’s not my fault ? And let’s face it carrying around that heavy case with a coat over your arm is not going to help. Darling, I love you just as you are and when you wrap those long white arms around me I’m in heaven… what ? Baby ? You’re still going ? Well go then, ha, your mother ? Where do you think those fuqing arms came from you silly bitch, I’ll be fine without… Read more »

leogroover
leogroover

Love

Sagstella
Sagstella

She’s bored of color coding her Tupperware. There’s a sheet of acid in the suitcase. She’s about to drive her station wagon into the purple San Francisco sunset

Virgonator
Virgonator

Depends on the husband. Is he lower Virgo? Got upset and picked apart everything about her, detail by detail without even a lower Scorp’s flair for finding the most important parts? No, just a dry methodical list of flaws without even the decency of including an emotional reaction equal to our Leo heroine’s magnificent self.

… and I agree with the above, Leo is not the sign id suspect of most-unable-to-conform-to-relationship-standards. Maybe an Aries moon or Aquarius moon (I know a lot of surprisingly conventional Aquarius suns).

Rubent
Rubent

(unbeknownst to hubby, not only is his wife a Leo sun in the 12th, she’s a late Leo rising with Pluto in Virgo) Chuck: Darling..Darling you dont..dont need to…But you already…Dear god Tammy don’t go through with this. Tammy: like you said Chuck, I’ve already done it and intend to follow through. Something you are incapable of doing. I’ve finally come to realise that I don’t need to hold myself back in order to keep your feelings intact. I’m going to show you how far I can go, to make sure you can appreciate what I have to offer. AND… Read more »

Laurel
Laurel

o.O Have you ever thought that maybe there aren’t LESS female serial killers. we just get away with it MORE? o.O

LiberatingVenus
LiberatingVenus

Psht – girl, if they can’t handle your awesome let the last thing they see be the flashing red of your Louboutin heels as you stride out that door with a slam! Leo girls are my chicks, for real – as long as you remember pay proper tribute to your Queen, they will purr for you like a kitten – men who don’t know how to handle this energy aren’t worthy of being her consort anyway. Leo vibe done right is *the* definition of fabulous – I have been an ardent admirer of the feline variety since youth and do… Read more »

Virgonator
Virgonator

Agreed. Most of the time, most Leos are awesome. Such big hearts. And I’ve really only encountered a few with big enough egos that it detracted from their hearts at all.

Sankt Freundin
Sankt Freundin

Haha brilliant… Especially when I find that many wack, sexist astrological sources consider (well-treated) Leo women to make the ‘best’ wives. I mean in the terms of commitment and spoiling, adoring and protecting one’s family. However, I recognize this situation… Leoness has found a bottle of oat milk from the fridge. Knowing well that her barbarian-of-a-man hubby only drinks full-fat milk, she immediately suspects that her husband is cheating. This bottle must belong to a specially obnoxious vegan mistress! And of course, instead of confronting her husband, she consults her 40 000 best friends online and a radio programme first.… Read more »

Pi
Pi

“But as national curiosity grows towards the owner of the oat milk..”

this is hilarious!

Sankt Freundin
Sankt Freundin

Haha aww thanks Pi! I tried my best!

Alouetta
Alouetta

It has the ring of truth!

Pi
Pi

‘Don’t you realise, Jeremy? There is nothing TO handle. I’m simply me. You’re so consumed by this notion of authority that you can’t see the person standing before you. That’s why I’m leaving you. Not because of your habit of using yesterday’s newspaper as the doormat. But because I could be any girl who you found agreeable and who was nice to look at. Good bye, dear. I know you’ll be just fine.”

Chrysalis
Chrysalis

Bahahaha

Kel
Kel

Cancer man loses battle with stunning Leo girlfriend who refuses to stay the night until he cleans his brooding den. Until of course she goes too far and grabs his suitcase of ‘mother’ memorabilia. The final straw and her last invite to crabby kingdom.

leogroover
leogroover

Hilar

MissDee
MissDee

OK so back in the 50’s not gettin’ married was a social stigma, so everyone basically had to do it. No I don’t believe Leo are difficult wives, compared to the 50’s standard: yes they want to be the queen but back then “queen of the house” was the way many housewives were defined, at least in advertising. The least conservatives of all signs is – IMHO – Aquarius. I really don’t see and Aquarius (or to be more fair: an Aquarius Moon) woman – not even nowdays – conform to the norm (whatever that is). Yes Capricons are very… Read more »

faithfrandeleche
faithfrandeleche

Hah! I totally agree on this. I can’t count how many Aquarian lady friends I have who can’t seem to settle down. One of them has found herself traveling more than getting hitched too!

My Venus is in Aquarius and my previous relationships have always been unconventional too. The normal dating scene bores me!

Hedgepig
Hedgepig

Yes, Capricorns like to follow the rules, but only if we’ve made ’em.

emg
emg

Shudder. That’s so true !

LunaFemina
LunaFemina

And in symbolic ignorance, Sweet Muggle Husband has yet again forgotten that Leo Wife has the job of saving the entire planet from the clutches of Mediocre Exsistance, dressed in it’s blahzay costumes of earth tones and lack of rhinestones. The very chronicles of Leo Wife’s heroic deeds lays beneath SMH’s feet, as she prepares to go on another mission, his sweetness turned need for security, denoted by the thick layer of skull preventing his full awareness of the Ultimate Mother Witch with whom he resides. “But who’s going to make my lunch today?”, he whines. Not realizing that Ultimate… Read more »

Pi
Pi

“Wash your own damn shirts, Arnold, it’s not like the lounge room is going to miss you for the extra 30 minutes.”
Lucille pulled the front door closed behind her with an immensely satisfying sound. The best dinner she had ever cooked in that stultifying marriage wasn’t even half as delicious as the taste of freedom.

Stella
Stella

As a Leo, Betsy knew the difference between baggage and luggage…she just wondered how long it would take for the mugwort to wear off and for Frank to remember that Betsy didn’t have a mother. Long enough for her to meet Johnny at the airport?

davidl
davidl

Good one 🙂

baristagem
baristagem

Nice!

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

🙂

Jokerman
Jokerman

Mother is a contortionist.
It really is an open n shut case.

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

She’s actually coming home, and closing the door.

Much more Leo…”Honey, look what I’ve brought home for tonight from the girls’ theatre lunch club!”

“Your mother??”

“Oh my whiskers, Harry, do I have to keep explaining stage names to you?”

Hedgepig
Hedgepig

“Mother is a contortionist”
Lol

MoonLilith
MoonLilith

Why on earth is he standing on a newspaper? Is it so he can’t interfere with the Sun-Ra vibe coming through the floor? She’s definitely about to karate-chop him out of the door with his suitcase and send him back to his own mother. This is not an entry, just a baffled observation.

MoonLilith
MoonLilith

Aha! He has trodden in some fluorescent yellow Pluto dust (laid down as a trap) after breaking in to her secret lair (hidden entrance in the sewing room). That’s why she won’t let him stand on the floor – it’s a devil to scrub out again. He can’t stay now as her secret identity as an Alien Lilith Ra Warrior has been revealed and as soon as he opens the suitcase he’ll forget she ever existed.

Nunovitch
Nunovitch

Gemini. We leave twice. Once because you would not talk, and again because you talked too much.

I was a Gemini married to a Gemini. We could gight, change sides, and keep fighting.

He had Capricorn moon v my Aquarius moon. Indian parents would never have let us get married- I discover 24 years too late. My only dating advice now is ” check their moon”!!

Nunovitch
Nunovitch

Fight not gight!

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Yah i’m only afraid they’ll check my moon

Chrysalis
Chrysalis

Fortunately my moon stands up to scrutiny – Cap – but it’s always my Neptune-Venus square they didn’t see coming 🙂

Pi
Pi

yes. pisces with cap moon tends to be quite nice but then all the other stuff gatecrashes and they’re either dismayed (virgos, taureans, Leos, librans) or thrilled (sadge, scorpio, capricorn, gemini)

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

While i would love to know an astro-aware lover, i can just imagine being written off early as Pisces 5th House with Moon in 12th, conjunct Neptune.

In a future world where the limits are truly broken open and we are all astro-woke, you girls will have the edge!

You may scoff, Practical Moon Women, but this neptunian naive kinda keeps hoping this is our future 😀

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Think i mean “astro-erudite” more than just, like, yeh, simply aware…more than what’s your sign, right?

Pi
Pi

It’s a nice idea haha xx
I don’t know if I’d want someone to ‘know’ my astro tho. I’d be concerned they’d be so caught up in the me-on-paper that they’d forget that I actually exist in spacetime. Lately I have been backing off trying to dig into someone’s astro too much for the same reasons. I think with enough patience and observing, the relevant info unfolds one way or another…
but i do get your point

Pi
Pi

(other than the entire readership of this blog , ha ha ha ha ha.)

monte
monte

I’m not so sure about Cap moon and niceness! I think moon in Cap is one of the more difficult moon signs. I have known a few and their emotional expression can be stunted – of course that depends on many things.

The other thing I’ve noted with a few people is the manipulation – they give Cancer a run for their money!

pi
pi

the pisces offers the niceness i think i meant. the cap moon itself is definitely emo challenged unless worked on yes. but it makes us strong and gives us staying power. These days the polar vortex breeze off the cap moonscape goes through a humanity-filter to re-humidify and bring to room temperature before use. but you know what – for a fish, the clear, steely, cool rock of the cappy moon is a goddamn blessing in times of turmoil / when pushed the wrong way. Pack bag – open door – gone. Like I never existed.

pi
pi

I think the sound associated with a cap moon might be a knife being sharpened on a whetstone.

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