Competition: Discuss This Content From The Waco News Tribune & Win!

Filed in Horoscopes

Well this is from the Waco News Tribune in 1930 and apparently this publication is still going.  I am going to assume this is the work of some Blue Devil Hoochie Juice sozzled sub-editor pulled into to provide astrological content. I love how it is all about the character of “a girl”.   So anyway, your discussion/comments/thoughts on this could win you one of several awesome prizes!

The main prize is a personal energy clearing with my druid, Anthony Ashworth who is utterly sensational & the real deal. It’s best in person but he travels all over the place AND can do all kinds of whizzery via Skype and tuning in to your vibe if need be.  He also has an amazing industrial strength “Fuq Off Negativity” spray that comes in a big gun-pump style container (none of those nonsensical little fiddly sprays) and has sage infused colloidal silver harmonized water sort of ingredients. And his clearing involves a massive drum and singing to you in Sanskrit. Recommended, obviously.  So a personal energy-clear with Anthony is the prize number one.

Prize number two is one of three of my Mercury Key Rings – these are due to be shipped (to winners and people who have pre-ordered) on the Solar Eclipse, which is kind of cool.  Personally, i know i am biassed toward my own product, but i like to run my fingers over the Mercury symbol on the key-ring as i wander about the place. I am convinced it helps me think and perceive more clearly.  Remember that Mercury is the God or the principle of ideas generation, solutions and innovation.

And prize number three is a Two Year Mega Mystic membership, including access to the Horoscopes, Oracle, Tarot, Scheduler & Daily Mystic email + the members only consults when available. If you are already a member, it can be added on to  your existing membership or you can gift it to a friend.

So the winners will be announced – in the comments – by me on Tuesday and have fun in the meantime. As always, i am looking forward to seeing what you come up with!


Image: Cher – Ain’t Nobody’s Business


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104 thoughts on “Competition: Discuss This Content From The Waco News Tribune & Win!

  1. As always, there are not enough prizes for all the entries i love! But okay, this time around, here are the winners! Please email so i can award your your prizes appropriately and thank you to all for entering!

    Winner of the Space Clearing From My Druid: Devil Get Out
    Winner of the Two Year Mega Mystic membership: Aqua-Hair
    Winners of the Mercurial Key Rings:
    Lux Interior
    Redlipstick Virgo
    Sizzle Cat

  2. Ahhhh, I couldn’t help myself, got carried away! So Imma just post this and later finish it off. ahaha so much fun!

    Carl Vagnone (Sagittarian Sun, Gemini moon, Libra rising) completed a year long project of dating women and observing from a ‘cosmic’ angle. Dating 2-4 women per month, all of which had their birthdays within the month in question.

    With today’s technology of imprinting points (i.e. people/consciousness) from the now upon past flash moments, we at Archive of Patriarchal Dolts & Anecdotes sent one of our correspondences, Patti Pith, back to the year in question, 1928, to watch Vagnone in action as well as the following year 1929, to catch up with some of the ladies he culled his ‘findings’ from.

    Jan – two out of the 3 girls ‘dated’ had recently lost their jobs just before the New Year. Carl offered them dinner and/or a cup of coffee. One declined his invitation to walk her home. The other spent the night as his place and was gone before he woke up. The third we could find no solid recent history about. During the date Carl fell silent, after half an hour of trying to talk to the woman, who had looked up only once and kept whispering ‘great’ and ‘depression’. Silently she wept, but managed to say ‘yes please’ or ‘no thank you’ when he offered her more coffee.

    Of the three he followed up with one of the first two, the one who spent the night, having bumped into her at a bookstore that she worked in. He greeted her but she pursed her lips and moved on, continuing to stock shelves. He tried to jog her memory of their date 2 weeks prior, but she was insistent on shunning him, getting red in the face and giving him the cut eye as she scuttled away. Carl did not repent, finding himself a little excited by this behaviour, remembering her quiet sensual aggression in the bedroom. Finally, the woman turned to him, handed over a book and said ‘would you hold this a moment please? I’ll be right back’
    Carl obliged, as she walked away. He gazed down at the book reading the title, ‘All Kneeling’.
    Then, from around the corner the woman reappeared with a very large man in a suit a bit too small for him. ‘Him, that’s him,’ said the woman ‘That’s the guy that’s been coming in and rubbing his privates all over our books. I caught him in the act and he cornered me, stole my bracelet. You’ll find it in that book he’s holding, I saw him put it there.’
    This happened to be a Tuesday.

    This was the only woman we were able to track down in 1929. When asked if she remembered Carl Vagnone, she rolled her eyes deeply. Both ways. She explained she’d lost her job the previous year and the night she met Carl was the night she was being evicted from her house. She didn’t tell Carl that but explained she was desperate not to have to think about her future, but at the same time wondered if perhaps Carl had something, a connection, a job, in which she could find new work though him. Plus she said, he was cute in this nebbish boy way.
    Their night spent together was mostly her catering to his drunken display of ‘ahem, ‘member theatrics”, as she called it. ‘He pranced about like a goat, swinging his johnson this way and that, taking ever so long to actually get to me. In fact I had to finally pull him onto the bed and say ‘enough, let me show you my fantasies’, at which time he cried ‘tell me all of them, I will enter and expand all stories you have to tell.’ and we romped from there.’
    ‘I woke up early in the morning, gazing about me and quickly realized the odds of finding any office work through this fellow were slim and the rest of the night as it came back to me flooded me with shame and confusion so I left.’ When she encountered him at her new place of work she was struck with terror, remembering how she, in her eyes, gave herself away on the chance that this stranger would provide something for her. She was mortified and grew even more alarmed when he began to recount, in a public place, their private evening together. This enraged her and she wanted to punish him. Hence the book trick.

    Carl met a women mid February at a cousin’ baby christening. This woman, Angelica Bown worked as the Sunday School teacher and Carl came upon her just after the ceremony, while everyone was moving from the church into the rec hall. This woman Carl saw off and on throughout the year, becoming friends.
    Their first few dates typically included Carl meeting her on Sunday afternoons after she finished work, and they would go ice skating, or wander through neighborhoods – Angelica had a love of imagining what it’d be like to live in each neighborhood, what the people would be like and how they’d get along. Carl enjoyed her long tangents of make believe gossip about people they’d never met let alone seen.
    Carl, over time began to wonder about Angelica in the long term, picking up her make believe habit and applying it to the two of them. However things began to fade between them in September. Without much effort on either party, they simply found themselves with less inclination to get in touch.

    We caught up with Agelica in late October, 1929. She had married in March and was pregnant with child, who was due sometime in November. Asked if she had known a Carl Vagnone, Angelica replied that she had. ‘He seemed very interested in me, but it never quite clicked. Though we always had a pleasant time together.’ It was noted that at this time Angelica’s petticoat did not show. The comment was subtly mentioned – ‘how well your dress trim and petticoat fit together. A very well tailored dress.’ Agelica’s eyes darted up to mine as she blushed and smirked, her hands came to rest on her belly gently.
    ‘Thank you,’ she replied. ‘I owe it to my husband. I married him over my petticoat.’ Confused at this strange admission I asked her what she meant.
    ‘My mother always, when I was a child, nagged me about my petticoat. “Angelica, what have you been doing?, Angelica sit properly, your petticoat is showing, Angelica, don’t be so immodest!’ blah blah blah. Always harrassing me, even into my teens. When I left home I vowed to always let my petticoat show, for as much as she would reprimand me she would never fix it. Instead standing there watching me, telling me to fix it and I was always so frustrated because really my dresses were always shorter than my one petticoat and I thought it so unfair that I had to try and fix something that was unfixable and that was caused by the woman telling me to fix it!’
    ‘I said to myself, if ever there’s a man who kneels down to try and fix my dress line, then that will be the man I marry! It became my love button.’

    In mid March Carl found himself out of work and feeling low. From his Sunday walks with Angelica he’d taken a liking to walking aimlessly through crowded streets and one particular night he found himself standing in front a building with no markers except a large wooden sign that said ‘GO’. He walked in and found a rather quiet cafe. One female server, having just collected some dishes from a table, walked past him in doorway, smiling long and allowing her eyes to linger as the rest of her turned towards the counter. Carl took a seat at the table that had just been cleared and took a look around. He saw only two female waitresses doing any work, a few customers who all seemed rather fidgity, as if they’d had too much coffee, and the place itself which looked as if it’d been dressed quickly in the left overs of a modest estate.
    He took in the two waitresses. The one who had greeted him was beginning to close things down, while the other came an went from behind a curtain, bringing many glasses and crates with her. She was clearly a strong woman, rather handsome. He could hear her humming to herself as she passed his table. He admire her hips and shapely legs. The two women looked rather similar and he spent his time contrasting them, finally asking the smiling one as she served him his second coffee if they two of them were related.

    ‘Well yes!’ she replied ‘Can’tcha tell?’ ‘Hey Doreen, this guy wants to know if we’re related?’
    Doreen, who’d just reappeared from behind the curtain came to stop at the table, hands on her hips, accentuating them, and gave Carl a very visible once over with soft eyes. Smiling politely she replied ‘Why, Dolly here and I are sisters.’ She paused, glancing over to her sister, ‘she’s the older one.’ Dolly made a noise as her sister walked away. Dolly sat down at Carl’s table. ‘I may be older but it ain’t by much,’ she said.
    ‘Besides, that makes me more experienced.’ She gave Carl a wink and took his empty cup away.

    It was late, but Carl was now far more awake than he was when he arrived. His coffees seemed extra strong and Dolly had enticed him enough so that he was now fidgeting quietly like the others. He tried to catch her eye, but she’d only look at him after passing him, smiling suggestively.
    Suddenly there was a loud and dull bang, but only Carl flinched. He turned to the front door and saw a woman standing there who had just dropped a large wooden door latch that spanned across the entire door.

    Carl could see the woman’s jaw working steadily either on a piece of gum or, though he hoped not, a wad of chewing tobacco.
    She looked around the room at the 4 or 5 men present, landing on Carl and asked him with a challenging tone, ‘What are you doing here?’
    Carl looked around at the other men, who were all staring down, at the ceiling, anywhere but Carl. He looked back at this woman. ‘I wandered in for–‘ ‘What’s your name?’ she cut him off, continuing to stare him down, chewing. Carl was confused, but seemed more irritated by the situation than anything else. ‘My name’s Carl’ ‘Last name Carl?’ The woman now walked over to him, standing before him with her arms crossed. Impulsively, Carl stood up, trying to match her, but she didn’t move or flinch. She’d stood far enough away that when Carl stood they were almost toe to toe and Carl noticed, almost eye to eye. His hands twitched and a soft blush had come into his face and hands.
    ‘Vagnone,’ he replied. ‘Carl Vagnone.’ There was a moment of quiet and then a bullish snort of laughter. Doreen had bent over the counter, resting herself one it as she giggled to herself, hiding her face.

    ‘Carl, do you know what GO means?’ The woman who had barred the door, walked past him over to Dolly and put her arm around Dolly’s shoulder. Dolly looked up at the woman. ‘Neither me or Doreen ever seen him her Chauntily, but he saw me and Doreen were sisters.’
    ‘Great, Dolly, that’s just swell.’ replied Chauntily. ‘Well Vagnone, do you know what GO means?’ Carl shook his head no, remaining silent. He looked around and realized the other men were now gone, but a very very large man stood next to the curtain. Startled and his alarm beginning to rise he held out his hands. ‘Just came in for a cup of coffee, I…I can leave..if you’re closing up…’

    ‘GO means a lot of things Carl,’ Chauntily went on. ‘At this moment it means get out. the others have left and we here prefer our patrons to leave out the back way once we’ve closed.’
    Carl looked from Chauntily to the large man, then slowly back to Chauntily. Dolly and Doreen moved towards the curtain and disappeared. Dolly turned to look over her shoulder at Carl, smiling again, while Doreen gave a sigh and gave her sister a gentle nudge.

    ‘Okay..’ Carl replied lamely, turning to slowly follow the two women, trying to walk normally, but he looked very stiff and didn’t take his eyes off the man. Walking past the curtain there was only a long set of stairs leading downstairs. Carl descended slowly, gripping the rail.
    At the bottom was a single door. Taking a deep breath as if he was taking a dive, he pushed open the heavy door and was slapped in the face by a wave of smoke, light, the smell of whisky and loud laughter. Carl’s eyes had been closed and he opened them to find himself staring into a small tavern filled with people. Drinks were being poured and women wandered around serving in delightful outfits.
    There were quick steps down the stairs behind him and he entered the room to take a step to the side as Chauntily burst in.

    ‘Welcome to GO, let’s get on with it!’ she cried. Turning to Carl and planting a wet kiss on his lips.

    –Stayed tuned for our next installment of Carl’s bumbling adventures in astro dating.

  3. I agree with January good tempered except on Tuesdays
    It is usually my worst day of the week – nothing very exciting about it
    Monday you get through
    Wednesday Hump day
    Thursday – you know Friday is tomorrow
    Friday – its nearly the weekend

  4. Ahaha. Some parts are true, some parts are clearly pulled from the alternative dimension, parallel universe where the charateristics of the signs are flipped around. Scorpios are mild like the black widow. But then again what do I know, I’m too busy making sure my petticoats show 😉

  5. Jedediah leaned back in his chair, fingers interlaced behind his sunburnt neck. The night stretched out infinitely long before him, swallows of gin notwithstanding. 6 more months to go penning the ladies weekend styles of the paper. 6 more months to earn his stripes. Last week the section entailed jam recipes. The week before the latest in fall hemlines for housewives. It was enough to drive the sanest fella mad.

    He drifted into memories of a scornful blonde debutante. Now she was a sensation, wasn’t she. Let’s see, he sighed, squinting at the typewriter, “likely to marry rich, children with hair on their arms…”

    One day, he would would be sports editor, yakking it up with the boys. One day.

  6. Please, call that an accurate horoscope of a Libran,? He didnt even look at our main attributes. THIS is a Libran horoscope. And yes, yes I am 🙂
    “The Libran girl is a master diplomat and world class slut, usually all at the same time. She’ll want to be your friend and will help you mediate your relationship with boyfriend but will probably shag him straight afterwards because she just feels so connected to him. But don’t worry, one little flash of that dimple and Libran charm and you’ll be forgetting all about such trifles. If you’re a Scorpio though and can’t let go, just remember Librans can NOT resist cheesecake. A little arsenic will see all those pesky troubles go right away.”

  7. Riffing on the “yes AND” improv game:

    Jan: “She will be prudent, given to melancholy, but good tempered, except on Tuesdays.” Yes, and on Tuesdays she will raise enough hell to keep you sober & meek the rest of the week, so she can glide about good tempered and quietly planning the downfall of the patriarchy. (ooh that rhymes!)

    Feb: “She will be a humane and affectionate wife and a good mother, but her petticoats will show.” Yes, and she will make her fortune as a nouveau fashion consultant who helps other women not give a flying f*ck. Also, it’s the 30’s. Hemlines have already been practically waist-high, and there ain’t nothing no one hasn’t seen, so chill, buddy.

    March: “You safely wager that she is a frivolous chatterbox, given to quarreling, and drinks it straight.” Yes, and the winnings from your wager you may keep because you shalln’t get her to marry the likes of you! Or anyone, probably, because she’ll be the first female war correspondent soon enough, “chattering”, “quarreling”, and “drinkin’ it straight” on the front lines.

    April: “She is inconstant, not intelligent, but likely to be good looking. She will flirt over your shoulder, though.” Yes, and this editor obviously got dumped by some ravishing Aries gal, who ran him over after as he bored her to tears going on about his sexist astrology column… at least he took her to parties where she could amuse herself by giving sultry looks over his shoulder to wildly inappropriate targets, male AND female, just to see their responses.

    May: “She will probably be handsome, and likely to marry happily, but she won’t scratch your back when it itches most.” Yes, and that’s because she’s happily married to someone else. But your sense of entitlement makes sense, thinking every girl in the world ought to help a fella out when his back itches night or day.

    June: “She is frivolous, impetuous, and will marry early, but she wears heavy underwear in Winter.” Yes, and who would want to wear see-through lace shit on Christmas? Unless, of course, you do. Well this description actually makes sense as a veiled complaint from a closet homosexual who was sadly forced to marry some poor Gem/Kataka chick, who didn’t mind getting a jump start on making a cozy nest where she could hatch some beautiful & brilliant babies. Dude, she can raise them without you, just send money from your distant modeling career in Paris or wherever.

    July: “She is given to sulking, and will marry twice in Newark, and once legally.” Yes, and Newark being a bastion of impropriety, and also the furthest city from Waco the editor could reasonably name without having to walk to that corner of the office where they had the maps, she’ll help yet another gay man pass for straight with his folks before happily marrying the love of her life. Sulking was her playing along when the first man asked her to pretend to a divorce.

    Aug: “She is amiable and practical, and likely to marry rich. Her children will have loads of hair on their arms.” Yes, and that will suit her very well as her children are a pair of well-groomed Siberian Huskies. She decided never to give birth, being so practical and also a touch prescient, given the impending state of the world…

    Sept: “She is discreet, affable and popular, and will pet, if you don’t go too far. As far as Albany, I mean.” Yes, and said discreet & affable petting will be of your prose, as you don’t go far enough in your application of oxford commas. Though your run on sentences occasionally go as far as your latest jaunt to the eastern seaboard, you having finally decided to visit the maps on a trip to the loo. Toot-a-loo!

    Oct: “[She is] usually pretty and coquettish, and likely to be miserable. She will ‘go for’ actors, mainly. And she is apt to drink like a fellow who never picks up the check.” Yes, and you would know, drinking in the corner after work contemplating your failed acting career. But don’t worry. Libra gal is “likely to be miserable” like all those other women who dare to say no to men. Just you wait.

    Nov: “She is liberal, kind, of a mild disposition, and she will let her stockings wrinkle. If her stockings never wrinkle, then she is the type to write people for autographs.” Yes, and if she doesn’t write for autographs, then she probably picks her boogers and eats them. And if she doesn’t pick, then– then–

    Dec: “She will be fully developed young, extravagant, fond of novelty, and risque shows. She is easily bored, but always has the change of a $100 bill. The Greeks had a word for her.” Yes, and this Saggo stripper is extremely flattered at the “she will be… risque shows.” Why yes I will be. And the $100 is all in $1’s.*

    *I actually irl work in a credit union, and just the other day someone tried to get change for a thou in $1’s, citing the need to go to a strip club

    • Emojis don’t show up on the comments! My ending flourish, typical of a Saggo of course, was a [laughing with tears lol face].

    • Sizzlecat…damn that is some kinda wonderful way you have with words.
      You wax lyrics like a boxer in the ring of life. Riff away all day and night. You got some mad skills.

  8. It’s been a while since my last posting in MM land. This has always felt like a safe place for me. A home when homeless and for someone who has received support from this community before; I sincerely thank you for challenging me to explore, the inner territory and appreciate that I have survived.
    I’ll just stick to my birthday month of July and suggest that some Australia translation is required. I am not American and I’ve never travelled so I don’t know the Newark area but it does sound like a Jersey Shores kinda situation. So if by that reasoning then Jersey could be like the Gold Coast and by that logic….what a relief that all the disaster prone, Freudian slip ups and abusive relationships done count. Oh that such a relief that definitely something to keep under my hat as I explain this to my treating team, who’s job is to keep me moving forward in life instead of rebound acing back into hospital. Honestly to give me hope that I’ll marry legally is a refreshing change. Having never been married before that sounds like a positive not to end on. Perhaps it’s modern translation is your sexual history which covers extensive trauma won’t matter to the one you marry.
    Sulking is actually the tears that I’ve shed over the years if multiple trauma and the scar tissues is deep, at time. I relate more to the December assessment of “the girl”….that could just be my Cap Moon talking. I love that aspect of my chart: my Cap Moon being nurtured by my Kataka Sun it gives me a sense of balance and harmony that I need in life. I’ll say this tho being a cardinal sign can make it very difficult to have successful, functional and healthy intimate relationships.

    To conclude my take away is the Waco Tribune News 1930 has provided me with the origins for the “Sex in the City” characters and my dreamy conclusion is I want to travel to Texas and read this daily newspaper. I’ve read Jerry Hall’s “Tall Tales” autobiography and I have so much respect for her life journey as a fellow Kataka Women.

      • It’s Mr enlighten from over the boarder…How are those kids treating you? Got to say I’ve missed your witty comments and general cool bloke vibe.

        *I can’t believe I missed that great vintage Cher image. I was doing work on a mannequin called Cher today. A training salon room full of perming solution, these fumes thus orchestrate my migraines. I made a Sonny and Cher joke, which I thought was on point and fuq funny…but I am the older generation aka Generation X (you know the forgotten free higher education for you, the Government will just HECS you or may reframe that as HELP).

        • I WILL be north of the border by my Sat, in Cap, return. I’ll shift to WA on my 3rd.)

          What canyons have you traversed?

          • As a visually creative person, I’ve travelled through the lens of my imagination. Never permanently relocated only temporary plotting respite in FNQ Cairns and Port Douglas, Bris Vegas (for university – round on dropout 1995).
            Due to my Cap Moon placement I set goal and my Sun Kataka tenaciously weird self (Aqua ascendant) kinda stirs up the cardinal balancesheet (so to speak).
            As a kid my paternal grandparents took me out to Longreach leaving BrisVegas in a 1971 Ford Fairmont. Mint condition, to the point you’d get burnt from the heat in the back seat. Classic metal and a Ford man was my bushmen Grandfather.
            When my Grandmother’s age related conditions become to difficult for her to travel we took a train trip from Roma Street on the old rattler headed to his place of birth. Staying with his sister and brother in law. I remember my highlight was painting on the pub wall moral in Longreach.
            I know I am ready for a major life change…new name, a real place to call my own home and maybe fella who can keep with with my mindset and vice versa.

  9. Read aloud to my sister, October, we nodded and said, yes but only apt for our other sister, also October, we smile, and stardust little sis has the angels still settling. December, yours truly, mhmm, well yes maybe. Dad, quietly alongside until that moment, pointedly utters, “harlot”… No, Dad, that’s not Greek I say. Heteira, or maybe just “Porne”… I say upon a wizzardry ogle on the Goog. My change for hundred doesn’t arise from my knickers… maybe my skills on the research… but perhaps I ought to be on the coin elsewhere? Nonetheless, with Mercury Retro little Sag self is amiss now. And more to the point, that writer, that’s some old fashioned yet avant garde mixed tape he is playing there. What about the Moon, Ascendant and all the other house and planets. Mhmm.

  10. The fact is Kemel Linth felt drawn to Waco for the same reason David Koresh ended up in that most odd of Texan towns. There is a strage magentism to the place–a portal if you will—and entities and the humans who struggle with them tend to converge there.

    Kemel was from a strict church going family and had joined the paper as copy boy five years ago, eventually becoming sub-editor and prone to including his own drunken musings in the Tribune. He had brief (imaginary) affairs with local women and felt hoplessly unfulfilled. “Don’t dance with the devil!” his father had warned him….he was a Virgo and knew that courting any woman would result in disaster–for Woman is an imperfect being. Had not God fashioned her out of Adam’s rib? What he really wanted was a saint to rule over his sock drawer and a sacred whore in the bedroom. None of this “showing your petticoats” to the neighbours or “long underwear in winter”….he wanted a woman who would “scratch his back where it itches most”–preferably with a riding crop…in long black leather boots. *He mopped his brow with a crisp statched handkerchief*. Steady old boy, he told himself, and poured a tumbler of vodka. So clear. So pure. So thorougly intoxicating. Just like the woman of his dreams….if only he had the courage to talk to her. But then suddenly it hit him…like a kick to the guts. He knew that woman did not exist, and somehow that pleased him. The world is full of imperfect women, and perhaps that rather held the key to their charm. Perhaps, if Man is Doomed to life with an imperfect partner….why not choose the most infuriatingly flawed of them all? The December Baby. He’d read about women like this. He’d SEEN them–only glimpses mind you. Always in a bottle green dress…thick bouncy curls and an easy laugh…always looking like they were about to dash off…the December Baby of his dreams—or were they nightmares? A woman so infuriatingly restless…brash and bawdy—taking him to see risque shows…or performing ones of her own, when and wherever the fancy took her. He shivered. The Greeks did have a word for her and it was The Centaur.

  11. Monday’s Child is full of grace. He may also be a secret feminist if not an overt one. Not a bad choice.

    Tuesday’s Child is fair of face. And he may be a self absorbed mother fucker who will leave you to blast off to Mars.

    Wednesday’s Child is full of woe. And sorry? So what. Mercury’s Child is probably woke and that’s preferable to being ignorant.

    Thursday’s Child has far to go. Recommended for backpackers

    Friday’s Child is loving and giving. In bed.

    Saturday’s Child works hard for a living. And so will you if you marry such a man. Or you won’t be a contender for his wife.

    But the Child who is born on the Sabbath day is Bonnie and blithe and good and gay. If an over-extension of ego comforts instead of offending, if you need less time in the bathroom getting ready and you can feel comfortable losing every argument this man is preferred.

    • Thanks for making me laugh and some long ago memories.
      I’ve go some serious spine and pelvis issues. I blame my love of music and being a Friday’s child. Being squished up the front at Big Day Out 1995 waiting for The Cult and Ministry….I survived being front and centre even if the bong smoking dudes were chanting “kill the vegetarians”. I should totally sue them.

  12. After mind pretzelling the content for sense I’m thinking this is a blokey in-joke commentary on the ‘girls’ in the Waco News Tribune office or co-workers’ gals. Like a big gossip column using tidbits from loose-lipped lads in the office who have been indiscreet about their lady loves or someone else’s. Call me prim but the weight of a lady’s winter undergarments should not be discussed in the news of the day!

    Multiple choice ‘if she’s not this…she’s that’ are perhaps to accommodate two women in the fold but Creep factor 5 comes in if I consider some of the comments to be icky euphemisms like stockings wrinkling at the ankles…dear Goddess I hope “her petticoats will show” is not some reference to labia. Yep I went there.

    • Hahahahahaha gawwwwd I didn’t even think of that. Grotty lowbrow low paid journo men all huddling in their beat down office sniggering and attempting to get a leg up on a demographic that didn’t have much of an opportunity to publicly rebut the article contents

  13. February Mother . Yes I guess my petticoats will show because I can’t be bothered putting on an over-skirt. Why bother putting on a veneer when you don’t believe in it. In any event I am too busy running community campaigns for better education, feminism et el to bothered with too many rules and washing too many clothes.

    Finally, my petticoats have shown when I am stepping over the body of someone who has treated me as a “wife” and not as an “equal”

  14. I kind of like it – has a Dorothy Parker feel and I mean, she’s totally right re the favouring of heavier undies for the colder months 😉

  15. He couldn’t even use the proper astro demarcations.

    It was written not only in a sexist tone but it actually degrades the astro as well. Eg is August Leo or Virgo???

    Wasn’t the 30s a low-point for astrology?

    • I’d heard that my local daily edition’s horoscopes was just a cut and paste from here and there “a total hack job.” A randomised homogeneous attempt to slaughter journalistic integrity.
      This was told to be by an ex Aries who lets just say, great sex and sell you out to profit for organised gang’s bottom line is no way to treat the female of the species (no matter their age).
      *this dating and baiting happening in the late 90 (it was a difficult time).

  16. Jan Man: He’ll be too busy building a space ship to commit. If you marry him expect his to use the cutlery as armour.

    Feb Man: He will be too busy working to notice you burnt the roast and over heated his slippers

    March Man: He loves tinkering in the shed, its dark like a cave and be careful a gimp may be lurking in that huge trunk he keeps locked … so that’s where the crusts go.

    April Man: He is so stubborn, you will never get those pink curtains he dislikes, you’ll be spending all the house hold budget on good beefsteak

    May Man: He likes to do the mowing to wake all the neighbours on Saturday and he’ll embarrass you by talking too loud in Church on Sunday.

    June Man: It’s like you married two people both moody, your parents will think he has schizophrenia – but only you know how fun that makes the bedroom.

    July Man: He likes gold chains, gold tap fitting and gold sunglasses. You fight him for the hairdryer and a seat in his gold 1970s Charger.

    August Man: His pocket calculator and pen holder were what attracted you, often you don’t have sex as he is too busy straightening the sheet corners and smoothing the blanket.

    September: He can’t make a decision to save his life, serve him anything and basically do what you like. Emotionally it’s like he lives in another room – make up his bed there.

    October: This person loves a beautiful house and tells you how lovely you are, they sometimes don’t go home as the head out on safari, or to Japan. You many not know where they are but you know they love you.

    November: He says spiteful things often and gives the silent treatment, if you want he truth I suggest you do chat to Aunty Mabel who knows all the gossip in the neighbourhood – you certainly aren’t the only object of his affection.

    December: He likes cats and wants all the best presents, his mum says it’s because he had to wait till the end of the year for his birthday! He wants to see you in an apron, heels and no pants. Buy him a paint by numbers set and it will keep him quiet for hours.

  17. Apparently this was written by the grandfather of David Koresh, whose twisted views of women just got worse when the bloodline aged. Perhaps he was bitter that he lost his true love to an heir of the Dr. Pepper fortune. He should have had some energy work done rather than emptying bottles of grog in his gullet and writing for the papers.

    Can you imagine, though, being a citizen of this town in the middle of Texas and having the general population read this shit? In the days of probably not much else to read or feast your mind upon? Oh boy.

    And seriously, why shorten January and February but not November or December?

  18. If anything, this article is a sign of how far we’ve come! Hope we can continue on our evolutionary train to higher consciousness and more of that good lovin’

  19. those november scorps are writing out for autographs from their celeb shitlist so as to indulge in some vexation via handwriting analysis.

  20. Totally agree with everything written.

    Scorpio ladies are always showing me their stamina when it comes to partying. I can never keep up.

    My feb’ry friend is a great wife but always keeps a certain allure about her i.e. Petticoats showing. Would say it’s more of an energy.

    Know a good looking April lady, who has picked on me and bullied me so much. Low behavior translates to not being so bright to me.

    I’m an august woman and have asked several people if I should wax my arms.. “Is this to much hair, I really don’t know, it’s blonde so uhhh?” Its likely that my children will have this problem to ha.
    I dream about marrying rich as I am not, fingers crossed.

    I want one of those mercury key rings. They are bad ass.

  21. Things you never knew ‘til now, but new all along… Ladies, if you’d like to know the character of a boy first, and if you want to bother, ask him his birth month!
    If he’s a Jan’y baby, he’ll have a face of stone – but never fear, ladies, you’ll hardly ever have to see it as he’ll spend most of his time working, even in the most meaningless and thankless jobs. Why? So he can feel the only bit of accomplishment he ever will in his pitiful life. Spend his money fast before he decides to dump you for someone he thinks will help his career along!
    If he’s a Feb’y boy, put on your armor and grab your butterfly net! His head will be zinging in the clouds and his callous mannerisms can leave you hurting. One moment he’s here, the other he’s getting fitted for his space suit for a trip to Mars!
    If he was born in March, you’ll always know where to find him – at the bottom of a bottle or passed out on skid row. If you can keep him sober, he’s easy to push around if that’s what you are into.
    April boys are just that – boys. It’s their world, you just live in it. If you dare to suggest there’s another opinion, get ready for a firestorm where you will be told everything that is wrong with you.
    May boys need some prodding – to wake them, to get them to work, to get them to do anything they don’t want. They are fine with that because they won’t do it anyway and will make you pay for the attempt – you just won’t know it until it’s too late.
    June brings you two boys for the price of one! Are you dealing with the schmoozey one or the lying bastard? Take your pick, because you’ll see them both multiple times in an hour.
    Want to hear what you are doing wrong and why your décor sucks? Just ask a boy born in July! In fact, they’ll kindly explain why everything you think, feel and do is wrong and a waste of time. But don’t return the favor, once they get off the phone with mommy, they will file every comment away for future reference. They never forget – or forgive!
    Your August boy will never notice you, except to see how good you make him look. Not that he needs you, since he is so magnificent everything else pales in comparison. Have plenty of mirrors around because he’ll be wearing them out.
    Practice smiling while think about stuff that matters to you for the time you spend with a September boy. Chances are you give a damn about what he’s talking, constantly, from the time you say hello until the time you say goodbye. If you get the chance to say anything at all.
    If you’re with an October boy, keep a separate checking account. Every dime he can get his grubby little hands on will go towards making his surroundings as beautiful as he thinks he is. He’ll monopolize the walk-in closet – and will need to since he has way more clothes and shoes than you do.
    Enjoy the sex with your November boy as long as you can, because once he thinks you’ve crossed him, you’ll have to move to new city and change your name. The problem is, it’s hard to know when you’ve stepped over his line.
    The December boy is loved by many. And I do mean many! But don’t worry about getting tired of his philandering ways. He’ll soon kill himself participating in some stupid and dangerous sport. The Greeks had a few words for him, none of them good.

    (I’m a Cancer, of course 🙂

  22. Wacky with a few lucid streaks of YES, that is my ____ GF! I mean really, is this not your Gemini GF? – If born in June, frivolous, impetus and wears heavy underwear in the winter… hee-hee! My Gemini GF pulses these quirks and is always running chilly with her slim, slight air born body. And, what about your Aries GF, flirting over her man’s shoulder, hah! but of course! Then our beloved Virgo GF’s – who isn’t more discreet, affable and willing to get naughty when the right person has their fancy. Born in July – prone to sulking, isn’t that what we love about our Cancer GF’s, that sweet, sometimes sad disposition that will stick by your side no matter what .. maybe the multiple marriages take place in their vivid imaginations? ….. strong understanding men who fold them in their arms, absorb their tears, adore their cooking and love hanging at home.

  23. LEO “Girl” here. We don’t marry rich; we ARE rich because we are the effing Queens of the Jungle. And no, we are not practical (you got us mixed up those with Virgo girls) because we love luxury. Lots of it. Children with hairy arms? Our shiny, thick manes are firmly planted on our heads — along with our solid gold crowns.

  24. Waco “astrologer” born on a weak, waning moon. Flaccid scribbler of fluff. Absolutely look over his shoulder, avoid if possible. Nil potential sexually/intellectually.

  25. Hmmm February born here. Humane ? Hell yep. Affectionate as well. Seriously doubt my ex-hubby and/or my adult children would agree on anything “positive” about me as a wife and mother ~sigh~ BUT… my “petticoats will show”?? this must be regarding what lies beneath these attributes of humane, affectionate and good mother. And, yeah have to agree that it is my withIN “parts” that are Finally beginning to show ( the “authentic” Self I mean) Back in the days of wife and mother it was more like the “damaged” Child of this EarthWalk that kept peeking out from under…quite often in Many not so pleasant ways.
    Thankfully on the Journey of this EarthWalk I have truly “come far” and am GRATEFUL!! (warts and ALL 😉 )

  26. There are some aspects of the truth here. July baby and I’m on my third but I think they’ve all been legal ?!?! And my cappi daughter is hellish on Tuesdays !!!
    These are hilarious really they are. They guy who wrote this had been tripping and writing. Obviously a serious journalist who’d just got the sack from a high powered gig at the NewYork Times for his use of hallucinogenics and was struggling to come to terms with his fall from grace.

    • I wondered if the writer was a former flame, and had to check the date to discount the idea.

      March does sound like me.

      And i’m going to sneak a peek to see if a Gemini friend has serious VPL.

      • I can swear I usually wear cotton colourful underpants (bikini style, for comfort) and I do own some long john thermals but would only wear them if climbing Everest or similar.

        Mind you I hate bras, and as I’m small in the breast department I usually manage to get away with vest/chemises/singlets, again usually cotton lycra. I occasionally wear a pushup bra if wearing a dress with low neck and I require some cleavage (say, 3 times a year). Otherwise far too uncomfortable!

        • Saw the Gorgeous Gem Gal in passing today and she gave me a Gorgeous Gem Smile.

          And i was confused about what i wanted to know about her, and whether i had a question to ask her.

          Mission Unaccomplished! And to the heavens with that one!

          Glad i’m here now with the Gem appreciation i didn’t always have before i joined the Mystic witching crew. Good peeps’ energy just rocks!

          • The compulsion to connect even though one may not have anything substantial to say does sound very Gemini ish 🙂

        • Gemyogi, only 3 times a year? :'( So like weddings… funerals … Court appearances…? ( Gemini alibi is flawless of course, it’s always the other twin)

  27. i don’t even know if this is a competition entry but i can’t stop lol

    at first I was horrified and OH FFS RLY? Can we just get over the objectification already #erisMCfeminazi
    then I saw March and thought “ohhhh god hahahahaahahahahahaa”

    “The Greeks had a word for her” that’s boy-talk at cards night. Nudge nudge. Sigh.
    He has a very funny turn of phrase but clear overtones of chauvinist pig in the golden era of the patriarchy. Probably only gets to bed women (sorry, girls) under 22 because they are not yet wise to the lise.

    Maybe a virgo sun-mercury socialite (jupiter rising) with Mars in Scorpio,
    OR maybe,
    Gemini Sun Venus Mercury – Libra rising, moon in scorpio,

    Hence the capacity to determine the nature of the underwear of a Gemini “girl” in winter, and so on
    I contend the following:
    His sister is an aquarius
    He crushes like mad on Pisceans but literally cannot deal
    Capricorns are his carnal weakness
    He had his heart broken (twice) by Cancerians, both stunners, once as a 19 year-old (they met on a cadetship at the Austin Weekly, they were going to get married but her Father decreed that she have nothing to do with the likes of a journalist) and once when he was 26 – that one broke him, he will turn away from any woman whose name starts with the letter M)
    He’s now married to a Scorpio. His wife’s sister is also a scorpio.

    In conclusion, he is a Virgo.

    *If it is a lady writing, she is a triple Scorpio with Sun in saggitarius rising and she smokes cigars. She wired the text as she was in Reno, Nevada that week, no reasons given.

      • I finished them:
        Aries women are on an utterly different wavelength from him but it shits him because he has a thing for Mars women. Taureans see through his spiel and can’t even be bothered.
        His mars in scorpio gaming powers are largely lost on the Gemini, who he has flings with, but that’s about it. Same for virgos – although the game is up with the virgos.
        He was bested at work or somewhere important by a Leo, so he took a petty dig at her children, because he now feels somewhat powerless to mess with her directly.
        Libra girl is the social pages contact, she’s pretty, but he ain’t her type and he knows it.
        His boss’s wife, or mother in law, is probably a capricorn (pls note comment edit above ahem.)

    • triple scorpio? three planets in scorpio? looks sheepishly at chart, sighs happily sag is moon, not rising, and breathes a sigh of relief that the cigar cutter was a brief phase in the 90s

      i think it’s incredible you can suss out his chart elements like that. (i need to study SO much more) i just thought he, definitely he, (oh Gds, I hope so) was a sexually repressed, misogynist with an overbearing mother who could’t get a date to save his life, OR a total narcissist.

      • oh hey CU ID
        total guessing game tbh
        I actually kind of went with the tone and way he(?) approached each sign. Choice of words, what was described (underwear, children, interaction style, …) Some had a hint of retribution, others an echo of a sigh, the mention of ‘quarrelsome’ or lack of engagement with him might hint that he likes them but they’re not biting, not that way
        you know, that kinda stuff .. plus the loudest lol I was actually drinking neat whisky at the time of reading it 😀 😀

      • wait i misread that
        i was just musing what the astro would be for someone who can write as easily about boozing and women’s underwear & on fairly familiar terms for both, in the news media line of work. while also revealing an inappropriate but LOL snarky observational humour delivered in say,140 characters or less

    • Perhaps the author is related to that guy who wrote that ultimate players guide to getting (shagging) women. MM you did a great write up about him. Sorry I am having a moment, can’t remember that tools name. It’s looks like a black book (trying to pass itself off as the Bro Bible) and has that red shading around the edges.
      I bought my copy used at a bookstore no longer around.

      *So glad I did get a copy of “Mystic Medusa’s – Kataka 2017” from my now closed down Target retailer.

      • The Game, by Neil Strauss. I treated it as research material. In modern pseudo intellectual astro bitch parlance it was like a love zombie antidote, but for men. I took notes…theoretically speaking of coouurse
        Strauss’s background as a kind of guerrilla documentary writer (or something) was probably the only factor that made it a good read.

        • Yes thank you Pi. That’s the creation of lower crusty “Crab” that I am taking about.

          I recently told an ex-crab from way too many moons ago…to finally “Don’t call this number again and if you do, there will be police involvement.” He got the message, and I have witnesses if necessary. You don’t mess with me, because I am not your Mother.
          I’ve come why too far to be playing in the puddles of his past retiring rhetoric. Ding…turn the page and burn that out.

  28. I’ll take one of each please, and me and my new coven will drink it straight (or whichever way they swing) and laugh and swap recommendations for heavy underwear (sounds like Thinx pants to me) and arm hair conditioners and bitch about the industry that dictates stockings but won’t make ones that don’t fall down.

  29. i can’t even … as much as i desperately need a cleaning, i just … omGs, this is just so … ok, i thought we had fallen back to the dark ages with the current administration, but no. we really are NOT that bad off.

    there are no WOMEN? january girls are sloppy housewives? september girls are sluts, april girls are cheaters and october girls are drunks?

    i would love to be clever … but i cannot get over being aghast. i’m just really glad to be living now instead of then.

    excuse me while i go invoke lilith, sekmet, and the morrigan …

  30. Well, I’ll cop to the drinking part, but I generally pay my own way. (October baby.) To me, this reads like a religion-soaked subeditor who was pulled in to write astrological content, wanted no truck with “that heathen nonsense”, but decided that 1930 was a hard time to be out of a job.

    • I was wondering if it was because Monday is for getting the week started & all the team meetings and scheduling, and Tuesday is when all the crap lands and you realise how much you have to get done by Friday if your plan is going to stay on track. Then you sort your head out by 4pm and just fricken get on with it

    • Tuesday was always known as “tight arse Tuesday” in reference to going out and watching a super cheap movie @ the cinema.
      Because after the weekend and Monday (folks taking the day off and public holidays being scheduled on this day). It’s the old retail code to increase sales revenue; it’s not magick or rocket science, plain old consumerism and codependency. Perhaps best by both Tom Cruise and Cuba Gooding Jr in that movie “Show me the money” *Jerry McQuire. Honestly, I am still ticked off that Pulp Fiction didn’t win best soundtrack (bloody great sound there, it was hand picked and stocked of totally awesome in every way). Don’t give me it got a BAFTA nomination, just saying that’s just not right in my personal opinion.
      I completely understood it to mean it was an “anti heroin” movie, that message was well received by me. I’ve officially come to the conclusion that what was in the briefcase was a book (because there was lighting and special effects). Yes of course this is my favourite movie of all time.

  31. This August girl will be pleasantly surprised if she marries rich. And rightly horrified if I end up with hairy children…or any children at all, really.

    • Yes, exactly! I really enjoyed reading this. Wish there was more.

      And Mystic, thanks for the Cher photo in her Golden Bullwinkle phase. I’m fairly sure that’s what she wore to perform “Take Me Home.”

  32. I was literally scratching my sons back and read ” may” I had to laugh when he heard me giggling and asked me to explain. I told him and he said thats not right! Born on …. 17th May

  33. We Rate Girls™

    As far as Albany*, 11/10 would pet

    (*cities, sex and euphemisms always remind me of an actual city, Rough and Ready… It is always a good laugh!)

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Mystic Medusa