Ask Mystic: Is This A Passive-Aggressive Way Of Breaking Up?

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Dear Mystic,

All of my past breakups have been of the official, bright line drawn, bridges set fire to events; tears and catharsis, but no doubt. Yet something is happening to me that i think may be a passive aggressive break up. That is, i think the guy is trying to make ME break it off in frustration, rather than have a direct and honest conversation; I am a multiple conjunct Sagittarius so this is killing me.

I met him two years ago and for the last seven months, there have been a few issues. Basically i work my ass off and am quite successful and he prefers a more leisurely approach to life but it has left him broke. Not happily living a more simple existence and just surfing or doing yoga but constantly doing dramatic moves to try and make something happen and complaining about ‘rich people’ or ‘inequality.’ Everything but actually, you know, work.

He’s lovely but his approach to money is so different to mine.  I thought Cancerians were supposed to be security conscious cash generating types? So now he’s pissed off to Central Butt Fuq Nowhere for 6 months to “save money” as he has had no steady income since August last year. There’s been a few hundred here and there but nothing that’s sustainable and he seeks out / attacks projects / people who are flakes with money or are vague, spends all this time on stuff that “might” have a HUGE pay off one day but who really knows. He’d actually benefit from one of your wallets!! I’m tired of paying for meals out and thinking of stuff that costs fuck all for us to do.  I’m being forced into the “masculine role” as the one who’s fiscally responsible and taking care of everything so he can do coffee meetings with start ups that have no intention of paying him.  This airily announced move to Central Butt Fuq Nowhere kinda woke me up from my stupor….

I mean, he made the decision without raising it with me and then expected I would be able to come down and stay with him. Umm…no. 6 hours of driving to butt fuck nowhere? That’s a six hour drive one way by the way and to get there faster you need to charter a plane. 

It gets better – he’s house sitting there for a couple of old friends. They were due to fly to Alaska as they do each year for their winter escape as the lady in the partnership used to work for an airline and gets a free ticket very year. So he moves in to look after 2 dogs and some free range python and two days later the fella in the partnership rocks back up. He has no valid visa to get into Alsaka, wifey has gone on and he’ll join her when the paperwork comes through…maybe. Apparently he confided that he’s getting old, he just wants to hang here with his dogs. I think there is definitely Dream Weed involved. Meanwhile wifey is in the Wilds of Alaska by herself. And my guy is batching with this dope, having packed up his life in the city with some vague idea he will be back for biz meetings and can see me then.

Am i being too highly strung for not wanting to drive 12 hours a week to spend romantic time in Central Butt Fuq Nowhere? Sorry for the vulgarity but the more I think about this, the more furious I am. Doesn’t a two year ‘relationship’ entitle you to some form of honest rapport and arranging things together?  This is not some young guy thing by the way – this is an ‘eternal dude’ approaching 50. I would be thrilled with any insights you or the MM coven can offer.  Should I be embracing this as if in a rom-com? Giving up my thriving business and turning ruralista, gathering herbs? Or is he breaking up with me by pass-agg default?

Yours in Frustration, the Multiple Sagittarius

Dear Multiple Sagittarius,

Actually, i just consulted an old post from the Archives – Twelve Ways To Leave Your Lover – and the news is not good. Or it is good but it won’t feel good at first, like a raw juice fast or something. Apologies if this is not what you want to hear but my feeling is that is the ultimate in pass-agg break-ups and it’s also a way for him to save face. He can talk about a ‘rural idyll’ and embracing a calmer way of life rather than having to match your velocity.  If he genuinely preferred this life for various reasons, wouldn’t he have discussed it with you a bit?  It seems high-handed.

And no, i don’t think it is the economy for you to be abandoning your successful business to become the pillar of the country woman’s institute or frolic in the whatever groves. So it sucks, like any break-up but unless you want to be his pit-stop visit for when he comes to town “for business”, i think you initiate the grown-up conversation here (as it does not sound like he will) and say that you don’t have time to visit/move to Central Butt Fuq Nowhere and that you wish him the best. It’s Eclipse Season AND Jupiter square Pluto, so clearly a good time to zap dysfunction and stay crystalline clear re boundaries or expectations.

What does everyone else think?

Image: Steven Meisel

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88 thoughts on “Ask Mystic: Is This A Passive-Aggressive Way Of Breaking Up?

  1. Values CLASH central! The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour (true in general, except where fully conscious effort for change is made by the behaver). Do you want to change your own behaviour? Obviously that’s a rhetorical question. So, the real question is: Do you want the next 2 years ‘in relationship’ to be like the last two? You have your answer.

    • good point, I wonder if there’s a thing happening in the couple’s composite 9th house or sadge chart area. (sadge, 9th house = values. )

      • Personally, ‘values clash central’ to me would mean Saturn (of one person) is within 3 degrees HARD aspect to any (or a combination) of Sun, Venus, Neptune, Moon, Chiron, Jupiter and/or the jupiter/Chiron midpoint, or Saturn/Chiron midpoint (of the other person) in any of geocentric,+/or declinations, +/or heliocentric, +/or latitudes – creating negative alignments. The more of these “clashes”, the more difficult it is, no matter what the positives between the two people. A few clashes are standard between any 2 people and can be totally workable, depending on other factors, but an overabundance of values-clashes with limited positives spells doom in any kind of relationship (from my experience).

  2. I’m imagining a quick rip like a bandaid, but I too live with a self-employed (code for unemployed “i get stressed working for someone else!) Cancerian, aries rising, moon in scorpio w pluto/uranus and empty 2nd/8th houses. Mine works hard as a house husband and remotely looking after a Central butt fuq nowhere-literally hobby farm. The pressures of fulltime employment 40 min drive each way, meetings and coming home to kids arsenic hour with “dinners not cooked but organised” and lets save the rental money in my account and use yours for the mortgage cause then we can save. Seriously i wonder and contemplate strangulation regularly. I read mystic’s scopes and believe i am wedded to a qi zombie. But its the devil you know. So MS can you envision yourself together this time next year?

    • I am a Cancer sun, Aries rising. I work for myself too, and cannot seem to get hired. Remember, Pluto is in my (your partner’s!) 10th house and is not making it easy on him work-wise. I started rideshare driving because of all the changes to my work. I pretty much dread Xmas and July when planets transit Cancer or Cap because of Pluto conjunctions or opposition’s. You’d have to look closer at his chart to understand the issues for him, but finding a balance between home/family/foundation and work is an issue. When Pluto opposes your 4th house, it undermines your physical security which is THE big issue for Cancers. No place to retreat to makes us freak out. I have moved house 7 or 8 times in 10 years. I get nervous when the pantry gets too empty. It seems like I have no control over my life. I empathize with you and your partner! I hope this helps! Xo

  3. It sounds in keeping with his generally delusional nature, so no, I don’t think he’s trying to force you into breaking up with him. But I’d do it anyway. You’re clearly not a priority to him. Men can do amazing things when they think they’d lose a love, like getting a job.

    • THIS!
      1.) you guys have diff values…
      2.) you are not on of his top priorities.
      3.) it’s been 2 years in a relationship which means it’s “decide” time anyways. Don’t alliow “maybes type partners” into your life for more than 2 yrs. if you can’t say: this is the one, then might want to move along. It doesnt get better to stick it out! I know, i “wasted” 5 or 6 yrs in a relationship that was never going to turn into a marriage.

      So, Multiple Sagg i get the impression from your post that Cancer guy used to have a decent job when you initially met him? Or was he always like this? Because there is a sort of “i was duped” sort of tone to your post…. But if he started out sort of jobless all the time and his friends relate that is the case, he will prob continue that path.

      I was with an Aqua with virgo moon who was like your Cancer. His moon was most likely 4th house, but he just always could not keep a job from the very start. Of course there was the mental illness angle too. But he would move to the edges of the city (cheaper) making it like a 2-4 hr trip to see him and since i had the car it was always me driving. I broke up with him by year 2 because he was pressing me for marriage by then. It was a somewhat friendly break up and having known him all these years, he IS STILL the same way with jobs! Nothing has changed.

  4. During the Jurassic, according to my Piscean archives, i was married to a Katakan. Thought i would dredge up a few old patterns to see if they could be useful to you. Thankfully, they do make me laugh now, as it was so long ago and over time it has certainly helped to be a lot sharper in my pattern-recognition in general.

    Rarely was any discord instigated openly by Kataka, just a general sulking and sighing that later turned into weird sleep walk episodes that bordered on psychotic. I’m Piscean so i could sense when i was the cause/trigger. Often coincided with my personal or professional advancing.

    I also financially sustained us both for almost a decade, and as i am a hedonist, and so was he, for the most part i was happy to finance my partner-in-crime, and all of our random hangers-on. Kataka would come up with interesting ideas for things to do and literally weep at his inability to do those things for me, and of course i’d brighten his day by being all in and cheering him up by backing the whole project. I mean, i did have a great time, so i was totally willing to do it…you don’t give in the present with one hand and expect to hold out the other hand for it back in the future, that’s not giving, right? I mean, a Piscean-Sagittarian is prime for being in this give-give situ with a take-take soul.

    The kicker for you in this tale is that he tired the fqing hell of EVERY SINGLE WAY I HAD of doing anything, even the things that had always pleased him. If i went left, he got so angry and told me i should have gone right. The next time i would be sure to go right, and be told i should have – well, whatever it is i didn’t do, go left or somesuch.

    It became clear that whatever i did despite best efforts to read the signals was not lovable, appreciated or soothing, to the point where i said so multiple times, quite sadly but willing to have that convo. I’m a multi-conjunct in Sag and Sag Rising so i feel strongly your need to just know, however painful, and face whatever truth. But this was denied: it was all I Love You So Much, even when i kept saying but you don’t love this, this or this, so what is it you think you love? This is everyday life, so where does it work for you?

    Had to go, in the end. Well, you know, after asking to go back to couples counselling and being told i’m the one who’s unhappy. (Like seriously, have you ever heard and seen the broken whiny despairing voice of a Katakan telling you he sees no problem with your relationship, with the subscript that you’re just killing him by being you?) Went to couples counsellor by myself. Had one session and was told i’m fine, i’m not broken, and would i pass on regards to Kataka who would be lovely to see, could they drop by, it had been too long since counsellor had enjoyed Kataka’s company. Completely missed the little flag there, and cheerily relayed the message. Got subjected to a scathing diatribe about the counsellor that Kataka had previously really liked.

    Oh, as soon as i left, everything started coming together for him. Funny, huh? Pulled his finger out, because he had to.

    Sorry, lady but i feel this guy is putting the c**t in country living.

    • Well no. I’m not that kind of Cancer. Maybe it’s the Sagg moon, the Leo mercury, the Gemini Ascendant. But I’m the first one to say something’s not right here and needs to be discussed, vented or whatevers. Then I get looked at like I’m the crazy person. I get scapegoated because I won’t shut up about the white elephant crapping all over everything. I’ve learned that people have their comfortable places in terms of …well everything. Unless a bomb gets shoved up their arses.

      • You are not that kind of Cancer or person, prowlncrab.

        It was a long time ago. What i love about this blog is learning to move along from fears of the astro signs. Each individual on here plays their chart so differently. And i guess so many of us are seeking.

        But there are also Lo signatures. Astro didn’t make him who he is but he plays out his Lo self through his astro in a certain way.

    • “Putting the c**t in country living”, ohmigod Milleunanotte, that is just pure gold CLASSIC.

      Should be on a t-shirt.

      Sorry you went through all that. Such great insights for anyone going through break-ups or contemplating them. Happy to hear you got through and overcame with such clarity! xx

  5. Thinking back in terms of astro-understanding, what I knew then was mostly detailed about the Sun Signs, and i was just getting into understanding the Moon Signs. I also knew about the elements and the decans, plus the Cardinal Mutable stuff.

    What i learned was that there are many ways to express Cardinal. Like, what you want, you drive to get, but i learned that could be done in passive or Fixed ways (Kat was Leo Moon, and that’s much of what i know because he had no birth time) which can be both strategic and also subconscious, because when you’re unevolved, or evolving is driven by material survival, you can use even the most admirably sophisticated thinking to drown others to ensure that they are what you always suspected: beneath you.

    You’re just working to earn the dollars, while his glam friends have the freedom, the travel, the place and the weed. Btw, Katakan of my story was FULLY into the weed, which was not a good thing for a young Piscean to learn could be part of the home and not just tokin’ out an’ about with mates on a random adventure. It was a home relaxant after the other Blue Devil shit he introduced me to.

    My mates loved and welcomed him in, while he later would run them down privately to me at home with theatrical, slicing wit and close to the bone contempt at home just to me. He was fascinating and insightful, and just artful enough to sustain a reason to be seen enjoying their company, while laughing with absolute glee at the ways they were beneath him at home.

    Not to be rude, but he could be doing this about you with his rural buddies, who will probably understand his great love for you, and “why” he needs to be away from you. Or the consumer scene. Or the stifling metropolitan lonely vicious environment that is the backdrop of the world you work in to sustain yourself and him.

    Remember, Kataka is Art and Craft and Imagination. This is just not the best of forms to be using them in, when you have all that talent but Will not sustain your own livelihood.

    • “while he later would run them down privately to me at home with theatrical, slicing wit and close to the bone contempt at home just to me. ”

      Yes, I recognise this as Low-Leo shtick, I am retraining my Leo partner from his sometimes default setting of dramatically re-hashing what so-and-so dared to say and do to him (over and over). I think his low- Leo Mama brought him up doing just this for home victim self- aggrandisement, and it is Not creative, it is such a waste of energy really.

  6. Whether he’s trying to break up with you or not—you’re better off without the guy!

    I’m suprised the 2 people in Butt Fuq Nowhere aren’t his parents. Actually, when they get sick of sharing their house with him, that’s probably his next move.

    I mean, when someone doesn’t have a career the first logical step should be to decide what they want to do, get some SKILLS or TRAINING that support their goal and then just fuqing GO for it.

    This Cancerian sounds like the type that wants to retreat from the world and live in his shell—lazily.

    NO to dude-bros nearing 50 and YES to awesome people making stuff happen.

    • I second all of this!

      In awe of Multiple Saggitarius for having put up with this guy for two years!

      Equality means he needs a full-time job, and 50% contribution to everything.

      I would not drive 5 minutes each way to keep things going with this loser. Yes, I realise I am being very blunt here, it must be my Sagg moon speaking.

      Dump him, move on, build on your business success, stay fabulous and find someone whose goals, values and experience more closely match yours! xx

      • Totally Yes, Yes, Yes!!!
        This person is doing what he wants to… he sets a fine example for you Some folks have no problem going wherever the breeze takes them regardless of prior engagements… and some are chained to these same priors. I would recommend unchaining yourself from all leeches in every form Then I suggest asking yourself why you have been willing to accept the existing arrangement and have not moved on long ago. Most especially as a miutliSag (my sis is also) you require freedom to be and do as you are called to and losing the whiny excess baggage is your first step in that explorer’s path!!! Take it! Be just as bold as you are!!! And who gives a flying f%@k what the bloodsucker may or may not be doing as long as it’s not draining the life out of you anymore? Not our freedom loving go-getter Love, Dawn Cerise

  7. Because he’s a ‘cancerian’ (sun sign or rising?), I would guess that all of his ‘business’ proclivities are informed and inspired by what truly moves him in his heart, not his wallet. Which is kind of admirable but not wise. Low vibration water sign stuff for sure though. Sounds a lot like my Pisces brother, actually. He stayed with my ex and I for months and said he’d look for work but ended up sitting on our couch and playing video games for the first three, which was infuriating as my ex and I were both busting our asses at work. My brother has Neptune in the 4th. That being said, I think what is at the root of this is values clash between you two. I once asked an elderly couple what was the secret to a long and happy marriage and they said “You have to want the same things. That’s the key.” And they’re right. I think you both want very different lives. I would break it off, not because he’s being pas/agg, but because it’s the right thing to do for both of you.

  8. He’s not trying to break up with you, he’s just drifting doing whatever he wants without a thought about you because he’s a dick. Funnily that was initially autocorrected to duck. Don’t date dicks or ducks!

    I’m sure he’ll happily try to slide back into your life at a later (layer? Wtf autocorrect) date if you let him. But why would you?

  9. Dear multiple Sagg … you might not want to hear this at all, but I’m going to say it. Quit passing the buck and expecting him to be what he’s not. The only person being passive aggressive here is you – because you’re pissed off and won’t state it firmly whilst waiting for him to make the decision for you.

    Your message is full of anger and frustration (Sagg feelings are pretty forthright). Your self awareness is great. But how come you’re angry with him for not meeting your expectations? Why are you so afraid of saying I’M NOT MOVING TO BUTT FUCK KNOWHERE? Saggs have a voice. Find yours. But first ask yourself “why am I so afraid of stating the truth?”.

    • This. Libra Sun here and i am pass-agg when it breaking up. I would do this so my partner would dump me, i would be the ‘victim’ and nurse my grief with that framework. That is, until my cycles of dating losers who dumped me went faster and shorter to the point I had to take a good long and truthful look into my own mirror….and own my choices with why i picked these particular man-babiea and commitment phobes. (Hint:i realized I was the commitment phobe. Who knew?)

      Long story short no astro needed: Be the adult he can’t be and break it off. If you are Sag, the blunt truth can set you BOTH free. Its not working, wish the guy well, and learn not to lower your standards. The guy has a lot growing up to do and you need to make cosmic room to bring a healthier partner in your life. Maybe the lesson here is exactly what prowlincrab said…use your voice…he is NOT going to change. Good luck.

    • This! My first thought reading this was also along the lines of “why isnt she stating this to him then”? I am also Sagg and Ive dealt with a situation eerily similar to this one in the past, except I was the one that would have been accused of being pass-agg for making a big move(involved my parents losing their home and it was a huge mess all around but thats another story). I expected him to understand and he expected me to stay with him(and financially aid him as I had been doing) but none of it was truly communicated. I had to pull the trigger and go to support my family, but I know in his eyes I was…everything but right. But whatevs. Libran partner did not communicate with me either so we were both riding that pass-agg wave – it wasnt right on either side. So Im not coming from a solely critical place, I really do feel you. If only I could have read a blog like this beforehand to see things clearer. Honestly back then I would have taken Prowln’s comment as just critical, but looking back objectively I think Prowln makes a great point here and cuts away a lot of BS. I mean, the pass-agg breakup could be an issue, but really I think its an external symptom to a bigger root.

      Its important to look into the situation and who youre dealing with, but more important to look at yourself. Take care of you and whats right for you to do in any situation and the rest takes care of itself, Ive found. You DO have a voice. A Sagg is a sad creature without being able to state its truth. Prowln’s point here is actually a very loving reminder – whether intentional or not – as how you nurture your nature in any situation is v important. And this situation imo is truly about being able to state, and live in, your truth. Let everything that is untrue for you fall away and hold the note to your truth frequency. Sounds like a true Sadgy themed lesson to me! +1 to Prowln for the awesome comment, and love and luck to you Multiple Sagg!

  10. Havent read any of the above other than the post and MM’s reply, but if your business and other forms of social pleasure specifically entail living in a metropolitan area, and/or if you were not raised or have not spent a significant amount of time in a rural area, and/or if the thought of it just makes you mad, and it’s a full day transit to get back to traffic lights and a cafe that’s open past 3pm, and if your relationship was (say) not that great to start with, then I can confidently assure you that you will Actually Die Of Boredom.

    If uranus was doing something around your sun or jupiter or 4th or 9th house or something, though, I’d say :”hey, give it 3 months, maybe you’ll have some kind of awesome new-horizons #lyf revelation!”

    Also important to note, if this is regional australia we’re talking about, the internet speeds will be utter shit and you will also go insane that way. Forget mobile data uploading your cool insta pic of the cute sheep in the sunset in a brand new #happy #nature #countrylife profile..

    or maybe i’m just scarred hahaha

    tbh the thought of house sitting for someone for 6 months in the middle of BF Nowhere actually makes me kind of nostalgic for you know, open space and fresh air and i’d probably do it, but that’s just me feeling claustrophobic.

    I can see how springing such an idea on a cancerian (of all ppl) with no indication of what creature comforts might be available etc and no easy way to return to the ease and familiarity of the known world, would be kind of heartless and stupid.

    Also, two 50 y.o/ ish men shacked up together (assuming the accidentally on purpose forgot to get a visa Husband sticks around) might be .. well i don’t know what that might be like. Depends if the hub is also decent company.

    • on the other hand (i see both sides after all) my cap moon looks for ways to leverage opportunities.
      What do you do? Can this time out (not timeout, that’s for all the webpages that will never load at 56.6kbps internet speeds lol) actually work for you? Do you have friends or family living somewhere in between BFN and current home base? Can this be an opportunity to regroup, research, re-define, re-lax?

      what if the relationship goes south (there are indeed some wise comments up there) but this episode actually triggers a new way of thinking that means maybe you do move, but not to BFN? (mercury transits? saturn challenging thinking-y sadge belief systems?) maybe it’s a shake up but not the shake up you were thinking.

      or maybe like some sadge straight talker said, fuq it all off and carry on as you were because your business ain’t gonna run itself!

      • also, as someone who likes to think about stuff like equality and fairness in relationships, i’d like to ask if he would do the same for you if your positions were reversed.

  11. I think he’s so non-committal he doesn’t even understand a need to breakup. He’s on his own planet. The thing is: This guy will always need help. Do you want to be a charity for him? Probably not? I think being direct and taking opposite action, like MM says, and being super clear that this has been fun but now you’re moving on is the only way. This way, you don’t have to be his backup housing plan when wifey returns from Alaska. Plus, his energy is so murky, having someone like this in your orbit will keep more promising prospects away. Ditch him.

  12. My ex husband broke up with me by deliberately sending me so crazy with his weird pass – agg shit that i had to leave not only him but the country we were living in. Leaving him the “abandoned” one (vomit).
    He was also super “laid back” (translation – stoned) and was trying really hard to wiggle his way into being a househusband leaving me to handle the business we started together. If there is dream weed involved, run. Run far and fast and don’t look back coz his leech like ways are only going to get worse.
    The whole scenario very nearly destroyed me and took the best part of a decade to get over.. Don’t even bother with the adult convo, he didn’t bother discussing his plans with you – do yourself a huge favour and walk away head high and deaf to any pathetic bleating.

    (hmm, think I might have a a tiny bit of unresolved resentment to deal with)

  13. He’s still living in the Patriarchy to think you’d move there. You are living in the Future.

    My ex did this – got engaged to be married to someone else while he was married to me, then acted all hurt and rejected when I ended things. He’s a Cancer like your dude, so couldn’t end it himself, but could create circumstances through which *I* would end it. I was like, “you have left me no other option” and he was all walking victim about it. Meanwhile, they were vacationing in Paris with his family a week and a half after he told me – but no, no, this wasn’t *his* idea.

    We need an “I married a Cancer male” club. No woo woo talk allowed. Requirements: passport, ability to roundhouse kick, vague look when someone asks about our ex.

    • Holy shit that is the absolute worst!!!!! I actually cannot even fathom the rage that must have ensued. What an absolute…. Oh there aren’t even words. Hugs.

    • hahaha – vague look when someone asks about ur ex…classic. But seriously, how did u resist the urge to take out a hit on this guy??? ( I know an ex-IDF guy who might “take care ” of him..:-D )

    • Yeah… my Cancer ex played the victim role to a T when I finally dumped his ass, too. Total disordered douchebag, to say the least. He is now re-married to a 25 year old (he just turned 49) and he is a con artist, has no money, and she quit college to work full time to support him. He does black magic semi-consciously/semi-aware of what he is actually doing (but I am on to him).

  14. Multiple Sag thank you for asking this question as I’ve had similar situation with a pass-agg Cancer and currently there is some of this energy lurking around. I think you should move on. The husband that joined him sounds similar to him and it they are in BFN smoking weed together then they are escaping while their wife and gf embrace life and just get on with it. It’s not so much the lack of money but the crappy attitude toward it and the sense that this guy is “opt-ing out”. He seems like a he’s gone pass-agg on just about everything in his life and has kind of given up. Not to mention that it isn’t as if he was single and decided to fall off the grid. I would totally move on and find someone who has similar values to you. Go find the wife in Alaska and go on an adventure. 🙂

  15. Yeah I agree with SaturnPluto forget the adult convo and just gradually fall off the map yourself. Let him come chase you in EC (exciting city) if the spirit moves him. I loved how he assumed that with your busy scheduled you’d be the one driving to see him. What a dense dude. Let him rot in BFN with no women around him and see how that works for him. You’ll barely notice cause you’ll be living it up with other men.

  16. Six hours away and no pre-travel discussion with you? Dude’s legged it and didn’t have the stones to say good-bye to your face. Sorry. He sounds like, um, possibly relaxing company? But yeah, if I were you I’d take those 12 hours you’re considering traveling to and from the countryside and spend them at a spa of some kind instead. Pay some nice people to focus on you and your needs for a day. Then go out into the world and, if you’re partner-focused, find someone whose ideas of partnership better align with yours.

  17. My last long-term relationship was also with a pass-agg eternal dude in his 40’s and it sucked the life out of me for years. Being pass-agg myself and in perpetual disillusionment (major Neptunian) about it I let it go on (and off and on again) for years all directed by him. Not that he lead the relationship, he just ghosted and returned at will based on his inclinations, no discussion involved.

    Again, being hugely Neptunian, I just put up with it all because I believed there was a cosmic connection between us. Now I see it for what it was. A jack-ass child man too emotionally stunted to treat me like an equal let alone a woman he loved and a delusional younger woman still living in child-like fantasies of what true love was supposed to look like (accepting mistreatment, thinking I was being loving and supportive of his problems).

    If the dude is making major decisions like moving across country with zero input from you after two years of being together, clearly your needs don’t factor into his decision making at all. He may love you, but he does not care about being with you in an equal partnership. His needs are his only priority. I’m pretty sure you don’t want to be with someone with so little disregard for you. I know how that feels, I’m sorry you are experiencing this. At least you appear to be in the position of being a strong, bad-ass woman who will easily gather up her life and thrive. Best of luck to you.

  18. I’d say if he’s in the sticks listening to The Grateful Dead on top of all the butt-fuquery it’s time to go …

  19. Ermagerrrrd this is pretty much the exact situation I was in earlier this year.

    Points of note that became very clear for me out of the experience which may also resonate with you…

    1. Once I realised I the sole breadwinner (this took me a full year, don’t ask), my partner started seeming more like my child rather than my partner and my sex drive went and threw itself off the nearest balcony.

    2. Whenever I tried to instigate adult conversations about equality he would shut it down by basically calling me a materialistic capitalist. Insert other guilt trips as required.

    3. Wearing the pants all the time in the relationship made me feel unsexy. I would be whirling between work and study while he contemplated the universe, dropped acid at midweek parties and Jupiter knows what else. Just no. We deserve to contemplate the universe too!

    4. Qi vampires have all these mechanisms to enable them to keep sucking the blood out of you for as long as possible. This includes saying they love you, being the lovely chilled influence in the house (cats and puppies can do this for future reference), and making you feel like you’re to blame for all the discordant stuff in the relationship.

    I didn’t realise my ex was a qi vampire until months after I ended it when all the dice started to roll out… He started immediately living for free out of some other lady’s house and was receiving funds from his brother. When his mum got breast cancer and asked him for financial assistance he refused and also avoided talking to her (!!!!!!!) Oh and did I mention the nasty shit he would write to me every few days? About how I had forced him into that beggared situation, how is wanted him to suffer, and how he was much better off now having threesomes at parties and dropping acid whene’er he felt like it.

    5. This guy I’m writing about was 40. Just No.
    The guy you’re writing about is Fifty? Even more no.

    6. Peter pans don’t let us explore our magical side because when We’re with them we are too busy making ends meet to cultivate that side of ourselves. This, I’m pretty sure, is the best recipe for resentment and broken dreams that I can come up with.

    7. If these guys are so lovely, why are they too happy to have us bending over backwards hustling the coin and not meeting us eye to eye in a synergy that sees both in the relationship expand multi dimensionally into super human levels of love and consciousness…. Because…. Because they’re qi vamps babe.

    Drop it like it’s hot and treat yourself to a vigorous chiropractor treatment plan in preparation for Saturn’s moves coming soon xxx

  20. I wouldn’t go. You can’t get the NBN @ the BFN.
    SERIOUSLY: if it walks like a duck, swims like a duck….is a duck.

    He is like a roast duck…..all dun with dinner. Burp n move on.

  21. Yeah. Totally still recovering from my “cancer wounds” from when I was younger!!! And I have five planets in Sag…. cancer just is a no go zone!!

  22. I can’t believe- Multiple in Sagg sounds like another of the unfortunate (global) epidemic of Conservative politicians! Like your crab friend, I have also been stuck in underemployment and unemployment for four years- and I haven’t seen a shift.
    Your bread has evidently landed on the buttered side up- like Conservative Politicians- and I don’t know if you’ve seen, yes INEQUALITY IS A THING. The worst it’s been in 75 years- there are reasons that people LIKE Crab face can’t get anywhere, not for lack of trying- but you suggest he’s lazy. There are many cultures that are lazy: do you think he doesn’t wrestle with shame for not being cashed up enough? I have been for four years. I haven’t dated any one fr that reason.

    • but love will move through the ugly bits, and be able to journey a journey. We have higher boundaries than our grandcestors did.
      Sounds like it’s over if you’re posting online for feedback about your dilemma.

  23. I reckon it takes about 2 years for the “where to from here” conversation. Seems u r pretty much on time. I agree with MM- if he’s not initiating – take it on – throw your card on the table. My experience is that in relationships we need to discover how to argue with our spouse – without feeling that it is over. So often I see couples who don’t argue and then BAM it blows up over something stupid.

    Maybe lots of space is what your Sagg-ness needs?

  24. i really needed to hear this. thank you. best of luck. gods above i could have written this. we both need to say buh-bye to these overgrown child-men.

  25. To be fair though, it is much, much easier to save money in cbfn or similar. Believe me. Firstly because there’s nothing to spend it on (other than petrol) and secondly because life offers an existence outside restaurants, cafes, bars, cinemas etc as a means of leisure.

  26. Major reason I’m divorcing my husband is that his long-term plans involve living off his parents and he hasn’t ever held down a job more than six months. Nice guy, but felt emasculated that I made more than him and offended that I wasn’t down with his “openness to abundance” aka perpetual plans to take more money from his aging parents.

    I’m working (hard) on my own financial independence right now and once I have it, number two screening question for potential mates will be “are you gainfully employed?”

    And I’m not even going to bother connecting with anyone before I’ve hit my financial goals. That way I have no excuse of “we’re both going in the same direction.” I want to be there and find someone else there too.

    Side note on Cancerians: I have a friend whose Cancer husband just left one day. Literally didn’t say a thing, and later sent divorce papers. She doesn’t even know where he went.

    Though in this case it sounds like he’s operating on different values rather than deliberately sending signals. I would still move on if I were you.

    • Im involved with an aqua and the one thing that really gets my goat is that he has yet to hold down a full time job. He’s 52. He has led a truly easy life, lived off his insane good looks and jester like quality but our ideas about money and how to live are poles apart. He’s bohemian so he says but then goes on to berate those who live off parents and end up at the hippy end of life. Errrrr excuse me. That is what you do?? So me being a Cancer who has had to survive independently, bring up my daughter on my own, run my own business etc. And like you he then complains or get passive aggressive when I earn?! So this must be a universal problem I feel. Good luck with your new life.

  27. How bad is it that I knew this was a cancerian before I read the bit about him being a cancerian.

    Grifter has grifted.

    A physical separation is the last resort in the “make the other person initiate a breakup” playbook.

  28. totally off topic but we’ve been adopted by a cat.
    it was its third visit yesterday…was outside my door at half six in the morn…looks like she’s here to stay.
    had to go thru a pain barrier-im allergic to cats! but yes asteroid bast is conjunct my sun and yes asteroid bast was in my fourth hse when she found us….

  29. Whoopee I think you dodged a bullet here. And a break up is a break down and that takes two people. Obviously you two have enjoyed each other but there are aspects in your lives that are poles apart. Let this one go now the time is right. Don’t diss him about this or that because equally you can be difficult for him too on whatever level. Be honest that you will not continue on with the relationship and that actually it is perfect timing. Wish him luck and then move on with what sounds like your wonderful life. It’s not passive aggressive, it’s not hiding from this, it’s just time to get honest without slinging mud and wish each other well but Goodbye. Two years or twenty you still need to behave in a way that moves on fastest. And if he wants to bitch about it then that is his shit not yours. You know what you really need to do.

  30. Totally off topic but I still feel is somehow appropriate for this post:

    My bf (or ex now, I guess). Together 3 years 8 months. I gave him until his best friend’s wedding to propose (to a girl *I helped him meet btw, by coaching him in online dating. This was about 9 months into my own relationship with his friend). Anyway, my bf did not take heed of my warning. As men are prone to do – and mine just so happens to be a Scorpio Sun (Leo Moon (squares his sun), 12th house Sag Mercury, Libra Venus and Mars) who also has a strong …Mars square Neptune signature, yikes.

    Anyway, I left. He begged for another chance. And begged and begged and pleaded to give him until my bday – which is mid-august.

    During these 3 years and 8 months , I have been resolute about not living together. Due to circumstances beyond my control along with his aforementioned promise, I allowed him to move in end of this past May.

    Needless to say, was it has come to my attn that he is definitely not going to be proposing – “well, what do you want me to say?” I also caught him fb stalking his ex. The one he left me for. …who got engaged…then married. A YEAR AGO. And when I say I caught him fb stalking her. I mean AGAIN. This same convo, same scenario minus the move in happened last xmas. With a promise of “before my friends wedding in may”.

    Anyway. I firmly ended it. It’s done. He won’t leave.

    My lease will run out and I will leave soon instead.

    Here’s my question: Who is he in the Tarot spread? 5th House? Where I got the Devil? 7th House where I got the theif? (Different spreads) or, 11th house? Which I have read is your ex boyfriends. 5th house from the 7th and what not. But I’ve also read that it’s NEVER 7th until you’re legally bound by marriage. In that case, is he the 9th?

    So lost.


    • To clarify the start of my dilemma, I meant to say that I *helped* his friend meet his now wife 9 months into my relationship.

      I made the ultimatum 3+ years, this past February. To propose by his friends wedding…which was in may.

  31. Dear multi sadge, can I ask…: Are you happy?

    What is it in your heart of hearts that would make you happy? Happiest? What is it that would float the brightly coloured hot air balloon of your soul? 🙂 what will set you free?

    I was wondering if a Saturn transit over your multi sadge world is leaving you a bit… scratchy.

  32. Some Cancerians struggle with the cold harsh reality of life.

    He may be looking for someone to look after him .

    Sounds like he’s actually doing you a favour because some Cancerians never ever let go. You don’t sound happy with him and he’s probably not going to
    change. Why should he ? Allow each other to be who you are.

  33. Some Cancerians struggle with the cold harsh reality of life.

    He may be looking for someone to look after him .

    Sounds like he’s actually doing you a favour because some Cancerians never ever let go. You don’t sound happy with him and he’s probably not going to
    change. Why should he ? Allow each other to be who you are.

  34. I don’t have the time now to read all the comments, will do that later.
    My 2 cents: how come you spend the time describing all his actions and trying to focus on what he is or isn’t doing (pass/agg breaking up) and almost none describing what do you want from this relationship?
    Aside from a short “he’s lovely” we know that you pay for everything and he has no direction.
    Even before him moving to butt fuq nowhere, is he the kinda guy you see yourself with? Is this you partner as in “friend as well as lover” like a fiance/boyfriend/spouse for life shoul be?
    He’s 50 getting nowhere, he has no plans, he does not share his decisions with you so instead of wondering if HE is breaking up with you, you should ask “Is this the man that I want to spend my life with”?
    IMHO that’s pretty much the only answer you need.

  35. The quick summary—Everyone above is correct. Ditch him.

    The long version…

    I’ve been with two males like that, one (now nearly 40 like myself) for 16 years, and the other (now just past 60, so age-gap much) for 3 years, and though the first worked and so is not as applicable, it’s the second that’s totally applicable and almost a twin (don’t want to or can’t work and wet dreams about moving to woopwoop all the time and blames the entire race of humanity for all his problems etc.) the final point is—If you think waiting around is going to change things, it ain’t, you’re deluding and wasting yourself.

    Find someone better. You’re worth it. You just have to believe it and take appropriate action.

    It’s hard for women like ourselves to hear but it’s not the man who’s the problem, it’s us. We attract them, choose them and then stay with them, even as we ALLOW them to destroy our identities, potential and lives with their bullshit.

    They’re not making us stay, we’re not choosing to go because we hyperfocus on the 5% of their totality that is the only scrawny bits that we are attracted to for unhealthy reasons i.e. trauma bonding, unfulfilled needs, shadow selves etc. and we keep thinking if we hang around enough, GIVE enough, then one day, ONE DAY, this guy will miraculously wake up to the fact that he’s with his Princess and transform himself from Frog to Prince Charming and we’ll have our Happily Ever After. It’s an life destroying delusion.

    If a guy doesn’t value you NOW, and hasn’t done jack shit to proactively, consistently and openly value you within the first year, he ain’t gonna change, sorry. In fact, I’d go as far as to say a year to find this out is wasting a year of your life. You should be able to tell within the first three months or less BUT I also get that some of us just can’t because we just don’t know how yet. Been there, done that myself. I “wasted” 19 years of my life to find this out, so completely get it. But once sorted, nose like a bloodhound.

    Hence I highly recommend a full binge on Baggage Reclaim—Inhale and snort Natalie Lue like some neurodrug until it gets programmed into your DNA. Embody your value.

  36. In the wise words of Dan Savage- DTMFA (dump the mother fuqer already), whatever his Astro. You deserve better.

  37. Say the shortest prayer ever written (“Fuq ‘Em”) & go on with your bad ass self. Live a bold, dazzling, wonderful life, douche baggage-free!

  38. The more masculine role of fiscal responsiblity? Really?

    I should know. I spend my life stalking men who aren’t that into me too.

  39. Dear Multi Sag, ten years ago cancerian husband effed off and said he wanted a divorce. I waited. He met an alchoholic volatile chic who gave him all the attention he needed and got pregnant to him asap. He contacted me again re divorce which I agreed to. Property settlement ensued with minimal claim on his part. (Watch your ex in this regard as if you have co-habitted he will have a claim to your property.)
    In retrospect, I am so glad he left as life with him was just eggshell tiptoeing – which is not the way this Sag rising chooses to live.
    Consider yourself to have dodged a bullet!

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Mystic Medusa