I’m writing to you with a question that has been irking me for longer than I care to admit (ok, about 18 months, maybe longer if I’m brutally honest).
It’s kinda embarrassing to admit this to anyone other than my therapist. But even she is stumped by the situation. And so here I am, hat in hand, asking where the fuq have all my friends gone???
I moved interstate from one big city to another big city about 5 years ago. I already knew a few friendly peeps on the ground in my new home and left behind a handful of good friends who had mostly all shacked up and procreated by the time I left town. Before the friendship drift I was socially active at least 2 times per week, both after work and on the weekend. Nothing excessive, just healthy and happy friendships and the odd Old-Friend-Not-Necessarily-Good-Friend social connection that stuck from eons ago.
As things started ramping up at work for me I made a big effort to maintain work/life balance so I could keep things in perspective/have fun/not-go-postal. I reached out to friends and initiated catching up regularly, I stayed committed to my long established yoga/pilates/wellbeing regime, I tried new things, I kept my home like an urban oasis, I used online dating apps to meet guys. This all continues in present day. Whilst my online dating campaign has been hit and mostly miss, my health/fitness/wellness has been on a healthy steady incline as is my career and bank balance (which I think is reflective of my increased confidence/self esteem in those areas).
On the other hand I can’t help but notice the glaringly obvious fact that I have no friends. I send warm happy texts/thoughts/wishes to people asking how they are and if they’d like to hang out/see a play/go to a gig/festival/gallery/cafe. Most of the time I get no reply. Sometimes I get a Sorry, no can do for whatever reason. Over time I ceased making effort with the non-available. My phone remains silent for weeks on end. The only regular calls I get are from my interstate Mum and Brother. Even my current and previous housemates seem to give me a wide berth. It’s lonely as fuq. I still reach out semi-regularly, hopefully, to the 1 or 2 friends that have bothered to respond in the past. I don’t really want to attend events on my own but I have and I will. I continue to be a friend but it’s no fun when it’s not reciprocated.
I consider myself to be fairly self-aware and I continue to develop personally through Meditation, Yoga, Therapy and Tarot, Astro and other Esoteric Arts. I’m a good listener, I have a sense of humour, I speak up and don’t take bullshit from anyone, I’m generally happy and look for the best in people. As an ambivert I do enjoy quality solo/quiet time very much. Just not for months/years on end. I’m totally over it.
I’m a week away from turning 40 (12 Feb 1977). Sun, Merc and Mars in Aqua, Moon in Sagg, Scorp rising. Saturn in Leo. Venus in Aries. I don’t have kids or a long term partner. Neither has bothered me much and I’m (mostly) happy being single but I really miss being part of the gang.
Is this friend-drought a symptom of a seemingly endless Astro passage? Am I just spinning my wheels in the friend department and no amount of effort on my part will make an iota of difference? Will things improve in the fullness of time? Or should I just accept things as they are and resign myself to the fact that this is what middle age friendship means in this day and age and go rescue a cat/s from the shelter?
I want to commune with kindred spirits. Your site helps a LOT. Thank you x a billion.
Friendless at Forty
Dear Friendless At Forty,
First of all, i think i am aligned with everyone here when i say HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! And, I don’t think this is a transit. It is a social trend. This is official. I have read several articles in legit media of late discussing this. It’s apparently to do with social media, people narrowing their social focus as they get older and (when i find this article i will link to it) women in married units isolating stray single women for fear you will attempt to nab their hubby.
Social media and online dating make it a hell of a lot more easy to spin a veil of affection/connection that is not really there. When you are single in your 20s you have the kind of hormones, digestive enzymes, stamina and physique that favors charging around pubs/clubs in full gregarious mode, always a favored way of meeting, um, folk. But brilliantly, you are investing into your health so this takes out the indiscriminate, bacchanalian option for networking. And I don’t know if there is a fancy Scandinavian word for this or not but many long-time couples do tend to exclude new people/outsiders/singles.
Once upon a time there was a more rigid social strata that was definitely more intrusive and dysfunctional in many ways and the pressure to say in a relationship/talking to family even if you were miserable was absolutely intense. But solitude was less of an issue – more the opposite. People – especially women – would have been in AWE at the amount of space, freedom, luxury, self-reliance and peace that you have been able to score for yourself. I am not saying this to diminish your feelings – i think they are totally for real and you write about them so poignantly but remember that you are in an enviable position.
So the astrology: The Ask Mystics are not chart consults but my guess would be that Saturn (Saturn is always your first suspect for shit like this – the police pull straight up at HIS front door, guns out, back door covered also) in proximity to your Moon is making you more aware of where or how you are isolated. Saturn Moon can be very hard energy to shift. You also have Jupiter heading for your Ascendant – the ultimate in game changing expansive scenarios.
So unless your “I speak up and don’t take bullshit from anyone” is code for “I screech like a harpy when anyone disagrees with me and then i tip the table over” then here are some thoughts.
- Meet-Ups – so not social media but yet (sort of) online facilitated – every big city has them. You go to the Meet-Ups site for your area and choose subjects you are or could be passionate about it. Or just things you would like to know more about.
- You could START a business/club/scene for people to meet or just start your own Meet-Up? Also, I am assuming that work socializing is out for various reasons? Or if does not feel like the rapport/intimacy is there? AND – what you could do, as you are active online dating, is message a bunch of decent seeming people on there and suggest you all have dinner with the view of aerating your social scene a bit…
- A dog? Dogs bring you into the community, which is usually a good thing.
- Singles bushwalking – terrifying because it seems like a fundamentalist Christian could try to help you become more Godly in some far-flung scenic track but absolutely an interesting idea.
- Magic. There MUST be spells for this sort of thing. Feng up the house. Say some prayers. Set some intent. Tell me your urban oasis does not have a hoard of once upon a time stuff?!
- Become mysteriously and ridiculously rich in a short phase of time. People will gossip about you and that snark will turn to outright enmity when you refuse to fund their idiotic ideas but you certainly will not be lacking for company.
- Do something super-drastic and amazing, to align with the Eclipse/Nodes into Leo – this is the NEW energy incoming. A conscious singles tour or something? Getting involved in a charity where your kind of people are likely to be? Or the Rich Roll Finding Ultra transformation vibe only applied to social life?
But what does everyone else think? I know you people will have heaps of better ideas than these. And i feel like Moon in Gemini (as of about an hour ago) will be THE perfect time to discuss this.
Image: Dee Nickerson