Ask Mystic: Friendless At Forty

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Dear Mystic

I’m writing to you with a question that has been irking me for longer than I care to admit (ok, about 18 months, maybe longer if I’m brutally honest).

It’s kinda embarrassing to admit this to anyone other than my therapist. But even she is stumped by the situation. And so here I am, hat in hand, asking where the fuq have all my friends gone???

I moved interstate from one big city to another big city about 5 years ago. I already knew a few friendly peeps on the ground in my new home and left behind a handful of good friends who had mostly all shacked up and procreated by the time I left town. Before the friendship drift I was socially active at least 2 times per week, both after work and on the weekend. Nothing excessive, just healthy and happy friendships and the odd Old-Friend-Not-Necessarily-Good-Friend social connection that stuck from eons ago.

As things started ramping up at work for me I made a big effort to maintain work/life balance so I could keep things in perspective/have fun/not-go-postal. I reached out to friends and initiated catching up regularly, I stayed committed to my long established yoga/pilates/wellbeing regime, I tried new things, I kept my home like an urban oasis, I used online dating apps to meet guys. This all continues in present day. Whilst my online dating campaign has been hit and mostly miss, my health/fitness/wellness has been on a healthy steady incline as is my career and bank balance (which I think is reflective of my increased confidence/self esteem in those areas).

On the other hand I can’t help but notice the glaringly obvious fact that I have no friends. I send warm happy texts/thoughts/wishes to people asking how they are and if they’d like to hang out/see a play/go to a gig/festival/gallery/cafe. Most of the time I get no reply. Sometimes I get a Sorry, no can do for whatever reason. Over time I ceased making effort with the non-available. My phone remains silent for weeks on end. The only regular calls I get are from my interstate Mum and Brother. Even my current and previous housemates seem to give me a wide berth. It’s lonely as fuq. I still reach out semi-regularly, hopefully, to the 1 or 2 friends that have bothered to respond in the past. I don’t really want to attend events on my own but I have and I will. I continue to be a friend but it’s no fun when it’s not reciprocated.

I consider myself to be fairly self-aware and I continue to develop personally through Meditation, Yoga, Therapy and Tarot, Astro and other Esoteric Arts. I’m a good listener, I have a sense of humour, I speak up and don’t take bullshit from anyone, I’m generally happy and look for the best in people. As an ambivert I do enjoy quality solo/quiet time very much. Just not for months/years on end. I’m totally over it.

I’m a week away from turning 40 (12 Feb 1977). Sun, Merc and Mars in Aqua, Moon in Sagg, Scorp rising. Saturn in Leo. Venus in Aries. I don’t have kids or a long term partner. Neither has bothered me much and I’m (mostly) happy being single but I really miss being part of the gang.

Is this friend-drought a symptom of a seemingly endless Astro passage? Am I just spinning my wheels in the friend department and no amount of effort on my part will make an iota of difference? Will things improve in the fullness of time? Or should I just accept things as they are and resign myself to the fact that this is what middle age friendship means in this day and age and go rescue a cat/s from the shelter?

I want to commune with kindred spirits. Your site helps a LOT. Thank you x a billion.

Friendless at Forty

Dear Friendless At Forty,

First of all, i think i am aligned with everyone here when i say HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!  And, I don’t think this is a transit. It is a social trend. This is official. I have read several articles in legit media of late discussing this. It’s apparently to do with social media, people narrowing their social focus as they get older and (when i find this article i will link to it) women in married units isolating stray single women for fear you will attempt to nab their hubby.

Social media and online dating make it a hell of a lot more easy to spin a veil of affection/connection that is not really there. When you are single in your 20s you have the kind of hormones, digestive enzymes, stamina and physique that favors charging around pubs/clubs in full gregarious mode, always a favored way of meeting, um, folk.  But brilliantly, you are investing into your health so this takes out the indiscriminate, bacchanalian option for networking.  And I don’t know if there is a fancy Scandinavian word for this or not but many long-time couples do tend to exclude new people/outsiders/singles.

Once upon a time there was a more rigid social strata that was definitely more intrusive and dysfunctional in many ways and the pressure to say in a relationship/talking to family even if you were miserable was absolutely intense. But solitude was less of an issue – more the opposite.  People – especially women – would have been in AWE at the amount of space, freedom, luxury, self-reliance and peace that you have been able to score for yourself. I am not saying this to diminish your feelings – i think they are totally for real and you write about them so poignantly but remember that you are in an enviable position.

So the astrology:  The Ask Mystics are not chart consults but my guess would be that Saturn (Saturn is always your first suspect for shit like this – the police pull straight up at HIS front door, guns out, back door covered also) in proximity to your Moon is making you more aware of where or how you are isolated. Saturn Moon can be very hard energy to shift. You also have Jupiter heading for your Ascendant – the ultimate in game changing expansive scenarios.

So unless your “I speak up and don’t take bullshit from anyone” is code for “I screech like a harpy when anyone disagrees with me and then i tip the table over” then here are some thoughts.

  • Meet-Ups – so not social media but yet (sort of) online facilitated – every big city has them. You go to the Meet-Ups site for your area and choose subjects you are or could be passionate about it. Or just things you would like to know more about.
  • You could START a business/club/scene for people to meet or just start your own Meet-Up?  Also, I am assuming that work socializing is out for various reasons? Or if does not feel like the rapport/intimacy is there?  AND – what you could do, as you are active online dating, is message a bunch of decent seeming people on there and suggest you all have dinner with the view of aerating your social scene a bit…
  • A dog? Dogs bring you into the community, which is usually a good thing.
  • Singles bushwalking – terrifying because it seems like a fundamentalist Christian could try to help you become more Godly in some far-flung scenic track but absolutely an interesting idea.
  • Magic.  There MUST be spells for this sort of thing.  Feng up the house. Say some prayers. Set some intent. Tell me your urban oasis does not have a hoard of once upon a time stuff?!
  • Become mysteriously and ridiculously rich in a short phase of time. People will gossip about you and that snark will turn to outright enmity when you refuse to fund their idiotic ideas but you certainly will not be lacking for company.
  • Do something super-drastic and amazing, to align with the Eclipse/Nodes into Leo – this is the NEW energy incoming. A conscious singles tour or something? Getting involved in a charity where your kind of people are likely to be? Or the Rich Roll Finding Ultra transformation vibe only applied to social life?

But what does everyone else think? I know you people will have heaps of better ideas than these. And i feel like Moon in Gemini (as of about an hour ago) will be THE perfect time to discuss this.

Image: Dee Nickerson

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scorpiodawn
scorpiodawn

ive had this issue for yrs.
when people say ‘oh i went out with the girls’ it can feel like a stab and twist.
luckily i have one female friend but could do with more…but on the other hand, friendship does take effort…not sure if i can be bothered…i have a partner aswell.
glad to hear its ‘a thing’. think it does get harder as you get oldet.
i do love being on my own aswell…

Chrysalis
Chrysalis

Wow how amazing are these comments?! What a bunch of amazing peeps xx So, hi Friendless at Forty – I’ve been thinking about a reply to this for a couple of days as I have felt similar in the past 12 months or so. In fact I have considered staying in a relationship I’m not happy with because we like seeing live music together and I don’t want to go back to rounding up randoms or smug-marrieds whose husbands won’t let them out with me very often. In my town it really is not done for women to go to… Read more »

Z
Z

I’ve been wanting to reply to this all day. I am five years too young and could easily join this club. Internet isolating people, working from home, having the realization that my so-called friends don’t value me as a person and stab me in the back, single-shaming in a culture where everybody marries young, being fed up of Facebook and my natal moon has is conjunct Mars and Saturn in Libra 2nd house (mars to my left, saturn to my right). When I started living by myself, it may have appeared that I was shutting off from the world but… Read more »

Z
Z

The economical and political situation where I live has also made a lot of my relatives move from here (undisclosed location). My baby sister is in America and I miss her a lot.

Starlush
Starlush

Sending you mass love Friendless @ Forty. You will become the best friend ever through this process as you recognize how valuable friends are in your life. P.S. Ill be your friend. I’m in America.

kathrynmary
kathrynmary

I experienced the same problem of diminishing friendships in my early 40s. I’m now a 53 year old ( aquari crab). While it might not be the most inspiring advice, have faith that things will change. With me, a new neighbour randomly invited me to a social group he was in and I made new friends out of that, and I’ve changed jobs and met some cool women who have become great friends. I know how hard it can be so best wishes to you.

funickity
funickity

Same, the tide totally went out, then it came in again. Change of life, going back to uni etc…

I thought this was pretty normal, like a gear change, can be crunchy especially going up hills. I have enough distance to admit it was harrowing and cathartic.

I’m surprised that there is no mention of midlife, peri-menopause or URANUS OPPOSITION in the comments.

Trust the process of life, let it sweep you into unexpected corners xx

Jokerman
Jokerman

DL mention 1/2 Uran above.

Pi
Pi

For late 70s ppl Uranus opposition is not happening yet.

Jokerman
Jokerman

True…but if ya 40 its rumble is coming. Uran doesn’t do it quietly.

You’re not sensitive about ya age Ms Tuffnut?

Pi
Pi

Who the fuq wants to turn 40?

Pi
Pi

Which is why since I can’t avoid it unless I am dead (you never know your luck), I’m going to have as many parties as possible because time can go fuq itself, lol.

Pi
Pi

Tbh though, apart from all the usual internalised impossible beauty standards applied to women who are subsequently advised that they must end up on the scrap heap of love (another reason to avoid online dating), I smashed out a couple of major Uranus transits since 2010 so I’m actually looking forward to whatever kind of shakeup it thinks is still worth applying to my life. Lol again.

Jokerman
Jokerman

I tried an IIBS programme. I made it to the final 12 in Columbia before they found out l was a bloke.

Which was lucky because if I’d won I’d have to kiss Mein Trumpf.

Electro
Electro

Uranus opposition was mentioned in mine.

And Pi 77 Uranus opposition next year, my natal is 7 Scorp

Jokerman
Jokerman

I still can’t get over you being the same date as my NN Uni girl.

electro
electro

IKR? Cray!

Lili
Lili

Our stateside city has mushroomed with new meetups to preserve sanity with newly active peeps. With constitutional crisis afoot, folks of all ages, stripes, money, troop to protest study and plot. Maybe check the 11th House, transits and Progressions too? My life has cycled through times of few friends to cannot keep up and must cull. Many friends derive from my 6th house actually- Aries cusp – at our dojo. Many athletic stores have running and cycling groups for all levels. We have slow roll trips to the city. You could plot sanity saving days afield for coupled women- who… Read more »

Suddenly Leo
Suddenly Leo

I wonder about the astro-geography of this city. Is it along your Saturn line? Maybe a move to a place along your Jupiter line? Or a city that is more cosmopolitan/has more foreigners/is used to bringing outsiders into the fold?

Yes, definitely a problem with modern society, but since it coincides with a move, I wonder if the solution is moving ON.

Jokerman
Jokerman

I’ve worked on my Saturn line 2013-2016 inc. No fun.

dizzarina
dizzarina

Ha try Pluto! It’s like Hotel California- you can get out but you can never leave!

Jokerman
Jokerman

Ha, do you have lots of pretty boys you call friends?

Well my song was “Workin for the Man”. I’m finally getting to my Sun line and her….I’ll shut up.

Leogroover
Leogroover

What a fantastic commentary on life in 2017. There are a few movie scripts in there. My 5c worth is im may be alone but im never lonely. Since travelling 2000km interstate I have met more friendly stranger/angels than i wouldve ever imagined. I tried to fit in with my long term coupled family members but i just dont fit. They dont invite me it wouldn’t occur to them as im single and an alien i dont care cos ive met so many single women vanners on the road. Its a community on its own all on fb but so… Read more »

dizzarina
dizzarina

ah that sounds great!

flowerchild
flowerchild

Wow! This is awesome and inspiring to hear! 🙂
Perhaps that will be a direction I head in as I contemplate what to do with the rest of my life……just turned 49 on Jan 31st, sister Aqua, here..

Leogroover
Leogroover

Go check rolling solo on fb Flower.

damons
damons

I turned 45 on the 22nd of Jan. Only one (my bro Beau) of my five siblings plus extended clan gifted me anything – $50 cash – of which I was very appreciative. No one even offered to pay for my lunch at the Rissole. No fuqer bought me a beer. Am I a C***, no I don’t think so. Just don’t have many friends. 1100 days straight logged-on to a full-time bachelor’s degree decimated the few tangible human assets I knew well enough to consider them friends. That episode of my life was torture. Even though I aced it… Read more »

Pi
Pi

“To get what you want, become what you want.”

In your case, you need to become sushi washed down with a couple of tasty sakes.

Hmmm

Pi
Pi

By the way congrats on the study. Yeah it’s isolating if we are not among similar others… Esp 100% online whoa. But I like to think our neurons are getting lots of good nutrition. And we put ourselves in a new life position afterwards.

Jokerman
Jokerman

Dyads happen in ya teens.
Ya gf must be a mutable.
Who has fb friends, surely an oxymoron.

Teaching has cured me of friends.
Being ‘on-stage’, for 7hrs, takes it out of you.
(Aqua Moon & Sun/Uran in 1H)

Leogroover
Leogroover

So agree as a trainer im over talking when i get home and rarely revel anything about my private life anymore to students.

dizzarina
dizzarina

OMG I so hear that. Bartending hasn’t cured me of friends, but it sure has (mostly) cured me of wanting to be social. I”m everybody’s “friend” for 7+hrs, just put me on a couch with a glass of wine and some purring cats plz

Jokerman
Jokerman

Maybe we could be like the Laplander woodsman, who, when they stop for a drink break, one salutes the other, “Skol”.

The other says, rhetorically, “Have we come to talk?”.

Gemyogi
Gemyogi

Oh I love that!

Maybe just smile and wave to each other 🙂

loubuz
loubuz

This resonates….painfully so. I’m 38 and facing the same issue. Good friends are off in the suburbs. Tinder connections ephemeral and a bit empty.

capala
capala

I have to chuck in a few comments here as someone who has felt a lot of “I don’t have any friends” over the years. A few years ago I put all this effort into maintaining friendships and then I just realised it was completely unappreciated and I slowly stopped. Luckily, I’ve moved into a period of peace. A few of these things helped me: 1. Read Osho. Try The Empty Boat. he’s all about how great it is to just be by yourself in this life. …and the zen thing, you let go of all expectations of others and… Read more »

xox rockstar libran publicist xox
xox rockstar libran publicist xox

Can the internet be a key driver to contemporary loneliness / friendlessness? Despite being a ‘bridge’ as mentioned above – but perhaps it’s actually the great divide? ‘Liking’ not commenting, emailing not calling Social media feeds team with activity, mine included – but I can hibernate for weeks on end and bump into anyone who says ‘OMG how are you – you’ve got so much going on it’s fantastic!!’ – when in reality the phone hasn’t rung all week with anything social, and luckily I enjoy my own company as weekends can be walking the dog and cooking or beach… Read more »

xox rockstar libran publicist xox
xox rockstar libran publicist xox

PS – where are the house witchery cures ? <3

Gemyogi
Gemyogi

Love the bring a plate dinners!! that reminds me to schedule one soon, thanks Rockstar!

Pegasus
Pegasus

About time you said something! It’s been a long time between words here.
Now THIS is like seeing an old friend from eaons ago that one felt close to.
You are getting Adelaide’s weather, the heavy endless heat waves we have escaped. Still it’s SUMMER =beach and frolicks with ma K9.
My needs have simplified 🙂
Delighted to see your gravatar again.x0x.

Pi
Pi

I really, really really miss dinner at friends houses. It’s one of the nicest things to do. If my living circumstances allowed, I’d have friends around every weekend. Shoot the breeze, eat some tasty food, pour some tasty wine, good vibes and happytimes, let off steam.

Pi
Pi

The town where I used to live , my friends and I had a Monday dinner thing. Living alone, you always cook a lot right? So each person took turns to cook for the other 3-5 of us (singles, because the marrieds seemed to forget to invite us lol) , just show up at your mate’s place and enjoy whatever they happened to cook. You bring vino or bread or chocolates whatever, if desired.

Pi
Pi

Ohhh this reminds me how much I miss my man-friends. God I love just kicking back with a boy pal and drinking beer and talking shit. No wierd static. Venus in aries i guess.

Alouetta
Alouetta

I think it has more to do with stages of life and people pairing up and priorities. My parents are pre-Internet (it’s a thing!) and they have very few friends. Other friends’ parents have a few close friends but they mainly rely on each other for support.
I do wish I wrote letters like I used to though. It’s a wonderful gift to send or receive and so rare now.

Ssylka
Ssylka

Same here, very few ppl I’d call friends & none that I’d call ‘real friends’. Discovering at 52 I was on the Asperger spectrum, explained a lot. My phone NEVER rings. Well hardly ever. I have ceased to care. I belong wherever I am.

Ruby Tuesday
Ruby Tuesday

Hmmmm, I can relate to many things written here. Young 58, divorced for 12 years, have adult children and profession. Virgo sun; Taurus rising with Mars on the horizon; Aqua moon with Chiron at midheaven; venus conj. Uranus in the communications sector, jupiter bang on North Node and a host of planets and asteroids in the 4th house.Sappho trines Venus/Uranus in Leo. Ambivert definitely. I agree that this is something becoming more common and that there are many reasons for it as we work harder and faster and have limited energy after our responsibilities, social media, and a society increasingly… Read more »

Jokerman
Jokerman

Ruby Tuesday has Venus cj Uranus. So apt.

Ruby Tuesday
Ruby Tuesday

Oh yes, Powderfinger, oh yes, and some!

Girl
Girl

PS. Not to sound smug and negative both at the same time, but most marriages break up in the early forties, so in a couple of years you’ll probably have loads of friends to play with again.

Girl
Girl

Hmmm. I think part of it might be big cities. I’ve lived in five of them as an adult (both single and partnered), am 37, divorced and childless, and have always found them harder socially. Mainly because everyone is so damned tired all the time just trying not to fall off the treadmill (can only imagine that is even harder when you have a couple of children on your back and a husband whining every time he gets a cold – sorry, feeling jaded) or they live so far away from you so meeting up requires a packed lunch. Currently… Read more »

socialgraffiti
socialgraffiti

I feel like for older folks, women especially, at a certain point past mid-30’s or so, people start drifting away. They invest more into marriage, having kids, their aging parents, their work circle and so it becomes more and more difficult to form connections unless you guys have a mutual connection. Research says once you reach 30 (Saturn return), the number of friends you have drops dramatically. From a circle of ten or so to maybe two or three. For nontraditional women, who don’t have kids, who aren’t married or in a long-term relationship, etc, this is very hard, and… Read more »

socialgraffiti
socialgraffiti

Seeing the earlier comments, it seems like a lot of people are in a similar situation to you. Maybe reach out to them, get an online penpal?

Ruby Tuesday
Ruby Tuesday

Agreed, it is the same as love, you don’t find it by looking for it! Work on loving, respecting and developing the self and you will attract people to you. Mind you, they won’t necessarily come knocking at your door if you are glued to the screen or the couch!

Lux Interior Is My Co-Pilot
Lux Interior Is My Co-Pilot

I think it can happen at any age–don’t focus on the 40! I’ve gone through periods much like this….and while it sucks I believe its like saturn’s way of making room for quality friendships, rather than flimsy ones. My advice is fuq of the people who you don’t really vibrate with and only hang with people who….make you feel fucking awesome. And yeah, it can take time to meet these people, but you WILL meet them. Following your bliss is usually the best policy until then. Try all the projects you’ve ever wanted to do. You may meet some awesome… Read more »

Gemyogi
Gemyogi

Following your bliss* is always the best policy!

*not in a wanky, gerbera, ‘clean’ eating, buy my bestseller and become happy and truly love yourself way of course

Alouetta
Alouetta

Haha! Yass! It took me years to love my own company but now I think I’m hot 🙂 Eating out alone is the one thing I still struggle with but I love a challenge. I wish I could put my brain and my confidence into my younger self so she could stop worrying about what people think about her and go do what she wants.

McFish
McFish

I am wondering if the Scorpio ascendant and ruling Mars in Aqua gives you an aura of self-sufficiency and aloofness. Scorpio rising is deeply, deeply sensitive but it’s not obvious in superficial friendships, so those people can’t see how much they may have hurt you. As a fellow Aqua, just turned 59, I’ve learned that friendship is a mysterious thing. I’ve had to face my frequent inability to accurately read people’s intentions and the true depth of someone’s friendship. So some seeming friends have dropped me and I’ve found it deeply wounding, but the surprise has been those who have… Read more »

Solitario
Solitario

This is so sweet — thank you for sharing! ’77 baby here too so turning 40 myself. Will heed your words about enjoying it (even) more! xx

Annabella
Annabella

I live in a popular coastal town.been out of the loop due to dealing with health issues. For some reason when your at your most vulnerable it brings out people’s dark side. Like they need a cat to kick. Being solo in a place where people flock together in tribes and meet on beaches in their exclusive cliques and have a token aboriginal guy with dudge jyst to prove how authentic they are. They go on about love a lot. But if they see you your looked down upon because your not part of tje chosen ones, that go to… Read more »

Gemyogi
Gemyogi

Sounds like Byron Bay to me?!

davidl
davidl

Yep, after living in the hills behind mt. Warning and being blessed with many good friends over those years I moved to Byron to work a little and sort of get back into the world. 18months later I left there totally fuqed over, a terrible experience. I call it the break up capital of Australia and it seems to attract a certain type of wanker that I despise. Annabella, if it is Byron get out ! Move to a real town with real people, real community. There are quite a few in the hills further north and you will be… Read more »

Annabelle
Annabelle

Hi davud, yes it is byron! Been living near there on and off since 1990. Just had a short stint at main arm. Its still rakes time to make new friends. Im dealing with chronic fatugue so doesnt help. But those tribes in byron so up themselves

Gemyogi
Gemyogi

It’s a great place to holiday (especially in winter) but I stayed for 5 months 10 years ago and realised, I don’t want to live there! Came thankfully back to Melbourne!

Gemyogi
Gemyogi

I did meet a few good peeps in Byron though, a quite a few who lived nearby in Mullum etc. Bangalow poets society is fab.

5 cents worth
5 cents worth

After reading this i found a book called good karma by thibten chodren. Turned open to a quote about complaining mind! If you dont have a spiritual practice life is shallow despite how many friends you have. We don’t belong to the world. We are here to work out our karma and evolve. No body is your friend they are your teacher

Jokerman
Jokerman

Tell me that 3/4 years ago and I would’ve scoffed you.

Now l think that’s so true.

Jokerman
Jokerman

Byron does well at not being what it thinks it is.

Ali
Ali

Ha! So true.

damons
damons

I was conceived in the back of a brand new VW Kombi camper van in the Byron Bay main beach car-park circa-’71. Might explain a lot. Stopped over on surf trips through the years since and seen it morph to what it is now. Most folks I know there are doing it tough and would get out if they could. My very good mate was in a big financial jam, passing away on the sand after his ritual AM ocean swim; heart attack they say… Miss him heaps. Now there’s no reason to go there again. Byron Bay is a… Read more »

Jokerman
Jokerman

Hat Head

davidl
davidl

My grandad owned 10k of hat head beach up from crescent. I was born in south west rocks. He
Gave it to national parks

Jokerman
Jokerman

FO. I’ve lived in Kempsey and Port.

Small world DL.

HH is a real getaway. Its not Coffs, Port or Byron!

damons
damons

Legend.

Minnie Wter. The Sandon

Asherah
Asherah

Meet-ups Meditation groups /classes Joining causes/movements Project-based groups (e.g. theater) There are so many ways for All the Single Ladies to have fulfilling social lives ??? I learned this the hard way. The old friendship paradigm doesn’t work for me anymore. The new one of finding love and support through a wide variety of outlets has proven to be much more sustainable and fulfilling. This network has been one example… Locally, I joined a meditation class and went to several meet-ups. I have since stared my own charity that serves as a vehicle to create community both locally and online.… Read more »

Asherah
Asherah

??? = HEARTS
So much LOVE for you all!!!

jediwarriormonk
jediwarriormonk

HOLY SHIT~ are we the same person? 40 in 3 wks, maybe one mate but really other than that not so much. Admittedly i did cut out a lot of cancer BUT that has been years now./.,,

flowerchild
flowerchild

Timely subject for me, too. Just turned 49 on Jan 31st, sister Aqua, here, and am single, no kids, just focusing on career. Have been feeling really lonely the past few months, this feeling comes and goes the past many years now. I don’t have many friends, or a feeling of community, though I know a lot of people. As far as new people, I seem to meet people and be ‘friends’ for awhile, and then they eventually fade out, nothing sticks, kind of the same trajectory as with dating. It’s weird… The friends I do have, who are mostly… Read more »

SheRat
SheRat

Speaking as a freshly 45 (yest!) year old single, childless woman who just relocated countries and left a community I had been in for 20 years behind, and who STILL meets pretty much everyone in bars, it’s better to meet people through project-oriented things. Start a band, volunteer, etc. Book group is definitely good. Take a class somewhere.

It’s much better to have friends who have similar interests that you know you would talk to/hang out with sober.

Alouetta
Alouetta

Yes this. There is a risk that when you get over an activity you’ll leave your friends behind but I think it’s a good testing ground to get to know people better. And if you don’t like the people, at least you’ll like what you’re doing.

kriblack
kriblack

Wow you are my new role model. Turning 39 in a few weeks and would love to be in your (loneliness notwithstanding) position this time next year.

Mystic’s advice is brilliant as usual. Sounds like you have evolved way beyond your past friends and they are either jealous or just not relating to your level of growth now. You just need to figure out where to find people who do vibrate at your level now. Start a coven of your own Esoteric/yoga/astro folks. I’d join in a heartbeat if we lived in the same country.

Calli G
Calli G

I think geography makes a tremendous difference in developing and maintaining friendships. I live in a small (12 unit) apartment complex. I knew one of the people here slightly, and she let me know when there was an opening. Since moving here. I’ve deepened that friendship and developed a couple more. (We’re all 40-something single women who like scifi.) In spite of being the most introverted of the bunch, I’ve also become the apartment complex greeter, of sorts. You see, I have a cat that I walk on a leash. (He wants out, I don’t want him smushed on the… Read more »

nacylou
nacylou

FAF, Are you interesting enough? What do you do for fun? When’s the last time you learned something new? When’s the last time you stepped out of your comfort zone to the point of pain? I’m not talking about meeting boring broads in Wine 101. Life is a lot like exercise, you have to hit it with consistency, zeal, and a little bit of imagination. When the body becomes accustomed to one routine where it no longer responds, what do we do? Pilates is played. Next. Try hot yoga, HIIT, or Tabata. Fuq it, try ’em all. Go broad, go… Read more »

Saoirse Kirke
Saoirse Kirke

I’ve had my social life deterioration with many important reasons I had been unaware of, but when it started it was the part where I was losing the ability to online. I had my own battles to fight and the little I was online was “don’t be a bummer” anyway. I fought to get healthy. I ended up totally isolated to preserve that health. But when I tried to “reintegrate” there was this profound sense of “well,maybe not” The world I left, maybe 2011, and now,the biggest shift… the Internet used to be a bridge. It was where I met… Read more »

PlutoMoon
PlutoMoon

This. 🙂
I read an article on Planet Waves recently that talked of this, and it had to do with Eris/Uranus and reclaiming our bodies from the internet. I’ll try to find the link.

PlutoMoon
PlutoMoon

Here it is: http://members.planetwaves.net/121-protests-all-hail-uranus-conjunct-eris/

Excellent read and in tune with your comment above. I wonder if Uranus into Taurus will have the revolution become about reclaiming our bodies, and our embodiment, away from the digital zeitgeist? Will be interesting, for sure.

Saoirse Kirke
Saoirse Kirke

Thank you for that. I want to think that it doesn’t have to be an either or situation. That by utilizing technology and integrating it with natural existence we’ll be able to keep learning and being aware while staying grounded, utilizing less resources. But I’m a dreamer.

PlutoMoon
PlutoMoon

As do I. I try to find the balance. But it is a challenge, as I do find myself getting sucked into the matrix and time passes quickly. Prime example, I have been on my laptop/online for three hours straight this morning already – shouldn’t I go ride my bike now and be in my body for a while? 🙂

Saoirse Kirke
Saoirse Kirke

On the days I come on here I check on to the phone more often I’m thinking anytime anythings in in Gemini I get a “go actually respond to blogs” alert.

Since it’sfreezing where I am, I will go do yoga in a,warm room. Bodies and brains.

Gemyogi
Gemyogi

Oh yes, agree with the land, build separate little houses and common space. I will make this happen. But I’m in SE Australia.

Saoirse Kirke
Saoirse Kirke

Yep all my peeps are scattered. I’m trying to center my power in myself, then land in the right place.

Unicorn Sparkles
Unicorn Sparkles

I loved reading this. It’s paced like gentle waves on the ocean.

Saoirse Kirke
Saoirse Kirke

Thank you, that actually means a great deal to me, that imagery. My soul feels so much less choppy than it used to, so maybe,finally, my communications will flow more that way online, as they do in real life. Thank you

Devonic1
Devonic1

Dear Friendless at 40 – I turned 54 on January 24th. I have been thinking the same thing – WTF? I used to have tons of friends! Boundaries have certainly become more of a factor as I’ve gotten older (Saturn in Aqua, Moon in Cap) and being single without children has had a few married “friends” hiding their husbands in the garage (Gem. rising, Mars in Leo, Venus in Sag). But Social Media seems to play the biggest role. It convinces people that they have a giant network of “friends” everywhere they go. I had a friend from High School… Read more »

MissMoloko
MissMoloko

I think your friend from high school is confused – you can call an iPhone from any phone, smart phone, land line, old nokia. Give them a call 🙂

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Is he a whiz in the kitchen?

Electro
Electro

Happy Birthday fellow 1977 Scorpy rising & Sag moon! I’m a Leo Sun with Saturn 10th, Uranus ascendant, and Chiron descendant. Maybe you have similar Uranus and Chiron placements? I have always felt that it was a bit difficult to find my tribe because the vibe I give off is (I’m pretty sure) offstandish and serious. You must be gearing up for the Uranus opposition as well as Jupiter crossing your ascendant. Wow, are you having both at once?? Perhaps the shift in energy is urging you to find the next level. Marcella commented that we 77s have NN in… Read more »

Electro
Electro

And a thought about friends with children – hanging out with the kids may not be so bad. A playground or park meetup would give the kids a chance to run around while you chat. As a parent, I definitely prefer to hang out without children but waiting until the right timing can take a while.

seawitchmermaid
seawitchmermaid

I agree- sometimes it works out better to squeeze in a little time here and there or be more spontaneous rather than try to plan something more elaborate. 🙂

Pi
Pi

To actually contribute to the post itself (for a change), I’m someone who is mostly really bad at replying to messages and suggestions to catch up. I get there, and I am honest (“I’d like this but I’m just not feeling up for drinks right now”) but I have a psychic delay of some sort and it’s hard to explain. I’ve learnt to be as chill with others being slow to reply as I would like anyone else to be with me. I’m wondering if in the past few years a lot of people are actually dealing with the zap… Read more »

Pi
Pi

I’ve re-read your note to mystic and realised you probably are already doing all the nice things.
Hey I just had the idea that you could check your astro-cartography. Maybe something’s hampering your efforts in more esoteric ways.

Pointyclaws
Pointyclaws

Related so much to your post Pi, especially the part about giving people understanding because you need understanding! Realized the other day how I long for a tribe of rad women to stir shit up with, but that I’m more a friend in ideological theory (venus in aqua/moon in gemini), than of solid substance. I bond over shared political ideas/cultural opinions, but it’s hard to turn that into a sustained emotional connection. I feel like no one really wants to hear about the depression I’m going through, so i don’t share anything, and when I rarely do it’s too weird… Read more »

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Ha ha just in case i seem all over the blog just now i must say im Mercury-Chiron conjunct in the 5th house of romance, children, affairs, the Arts, pleasure and anything else Leo ruled. This is opposed Uranus in Libra 11th house, that exquisite extrasensory sensitivity to others, in t-square to Mars in Capricorn 2nd house. Judgy, judgy. And work-it-girl. The Mercury Chiron is also trine my multiconjunct Neptune Jupiter Moon in 12th conjuncting my Sagittarius Ascendant ON Antares. A tad sensitive, a dash introvert and occasionally going to quiet war on social ridiculousness. If you don’t mind, right?… Read more »

sphinx
sphinx

Interesting, I imagine if Odysseus was around now he would have your Astrology, 😀
Am reading the Illiad to my 8 year old at the moment and really taken with it, as is he.
Odysseus is cunning, smart, thoughtful, Mercurial and tough. A scrappy, martial, fire-starting weaver of verbal magic. He is a ‘does not have time for yr crap today’ kind of person. But a profound Piscean sense of what drives people.

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Oh love i imagine he also has very different parenting. My own folks did read me the Iliad …actually now i come to think of it i think it was a libran brief lover of aquama, currently unacknowledged, but i know amongst my feely feels i thought i should read it properly later. Of course now i have greek in laws and am just flying by the seat of my pants. I hope your boy is loving your reading enough that he wiill come back to it if he feels he missed something later. He’ll just be looking at your… Read more »

sphinx
sphinx

Aww! We are drawing pics of the many characters as we go as he has trouble recalling the names. He is blushing at my depiction of Aphrodite lol and scornful of my depressed looking Briseis. I might have to do some better drawings for him! He is getting a good understanding i think, when I was read it by my dad he so enjoyed the sound of his own voice he didn’t care to explain much, so I try to involve him in it. Greek in-laws sound fun! Glad to hear that your mum brought some good peeps into yr… Read more »

Electro
Electro

Great idea! I’m going to go dig out my copy of the Iliad. My husband read aloud Lord of the Rings to our son when he was 5 as a bedtime story. He loved it.

sphinx
sphinx

Yes! I should do the opposite and do Lord of the Rings next. 😉 The Illiad is great for boys (& girls!) it’s like a lesson in how to be honourable and courageous under pressure. He is quite shocked by all the enslaving tho. 😯

davidl
davidl

You’d probably love David Maloufs take on the Iliad called Ransom. Brilliant !
It doesn’t cover the whole story of course, just the journey to get the sons body and return it home. Highly recommend!

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Oh and for astro newbies or others who don’t know, Chiron on the 5th is like painful ongoing wounding to your pleasure and fun. Big lessons. Because friendship is first and foremost, like love, pleasure and fun and creative. And in my case, hard won lessons and loving. We might not go into my Saturn square Venus trine Uranus here ok? Or the Uranus mutual reception Venus in 11th and 3rd ok? Just imagine a very happy aquarian slut who needed her bitch, then a very happy Taurean bitch of the realm who needed her Empress of the free mind… Read more »

PlutoMoon
PlutoMoon

Interesting – is your Merc/Chiron on/near Eris, I wonder? I also have Neptune in the 12th – in Scorpio – parallel Venus/Jupiter in Scorp (those are nearby in the 11th though). My Merc/Mars conjunction in Virgo, as well as Pluto in Virgo (conj early Libra sun), are square my Ascendant in Sagg – needless to say sometimes I can come across as having a big ol’ mouth but the introverted part of me shudders at this. I try to find the balance. I chalk it up to the fact that most introverts are hypersensitive to stimuli (I also have Uranus… Read more »

davidl
davidl

Everyone born since 1930 ish has Eris in Aries. Just sayin, she’s at 23 deg or about now. Maybe you libran Uranus folk have been having a lengthy opposition ? She’s been on my sun in Aries for years.

davidl
davidl

Also this whole 40 something thread could be discussing the effects of the Uranus opposition transit. It’s a very important time for peeps.

Jokerman
Jokerman

I’ve been thinking 1/2 Uran too.
I reckon transits trump (lol) demographics (worth Barackn for)

The following are all circumstantial; Married/single/divorced.
City/Town/Off-grid.

FireTryin'
FireTryin'

Yeah, my Sagg asc is at odds with most of my other planets. Nept in Scorp like you, as well as Moon in Cancer/8th house, plus Pluto in Virgo at the top of my chart–I’m all tingly all the time with other people’s stuff even as I’ve put a lot of effort into all manner of grounding/boundary practices, one forgetful moment and I’m inundated. Happened yesterday. I fear my mouth, it pulls up shit that irritates people all the time. Especially in groups, like I channel exactly what will annoy everyone the most. With Saturn in Sagg I have learned… Read more »

FireTryin'
FireTryin'

Oh and HA! I just checked my Eris placement, conjunct my NN. I was born to be annoying!!

PlutoMoon
PlutoMoon

Oh, that’s awesome, the Eris/NN. Blaze it up, FireTryin’! I also have moon in Cancer in the 8th, trine the Neptune in Scorp in the 12th. Does that give, like, superhuman psych/intuitive abilities or what? I’m always having to defrag other people’s stuff that I pick up. Super sensitive to all stimuli on all planes. Hermiting helps me as well.

PlutoMoon
PlutoMoon

Very timely post! I’ve been feeling this for a while too. Saturn is now across my ascendant (20 Sag) but will be retrograding back basically the rest of this year. It is inconjunct both my natal moon (27 Can) and natal Saturn (22 Tau) so, yah, it’s triggering some angst. This Leo eclipse will be trine it so I’m hoping for a rut-busting weekend. I am 46, divorced, 2 kids under 14, and go through bouts of loneliness. Online dating straight up sucks. The last guy I met who was in my actual city unabashedly wanted only a revenge hookup… Read more »

seawitchmermaid
seawitchmermaid

Aww that would be so fun! I’m in the states but far up the east coast…

Electro
Electro

Seawitch, I’m Mid-Atlantic!

PlutoMoon
PlutoMoon

Maybe we’re on to something here…? 🙂

PlutoMoon
PlutoMoon

I’m in North Florida but get up to Atlanta often (used to live there – family/friends still there, may live there again someday but who knows). Where I am there are not a whole lot of astro witches.

seawitchmermaid
seawitchmermaid

It’d be so fun to meet up IRL- I’m not really in a traveling season of life right now but if I find myself gearing up for a trip down the seaboard I will be in touch!! 😀 May I just say, right now the prospect of being someplace warmer sounds marvelous- we’re back in a cold snap after the January thaw! x

Pegasus
Pegasus

ATLANTA!! Home of The Atlantic Rhymn Section.
‘Spooky’ a favourite track that came out while i was full of life & joy (pre-Saturn on my total Sagginess).

seawitchmermaid
seawitchmermaid

Yay stateside PIABs 😀

seawitchmermaid
seawitchmermaid

Oh and I hear that… Just wrapped up Saturn return and now he’s squaring my sun… Sigh!

seawitchmermaid
seawitchmermaid

Maine 🙂

Electro
Electro

Omg I love Maine! So beautiful!

Looks like we are evenly spaced out over the east coast: FL, PA, and ME!

seawitchmermaid
seawitchmermaid

:DD

AquaMeg
AquaMeg

I’m in Maine, too – how cool is that? I live in Portland, lol

seawitchmermaid
seawitchmermaid

Weird, I was just thinking about stuff like this last night. Saturn is transiting my 3rd right now and am def seeing how I’m having to work harder, put more effort into connecting to my (new in some ways) community. I’m dealing with recognizing and dealing with ancient, negative thought paradigms around social stuff as well.

sphinx
sphinx

Noting the Astrology of the day, I think your unleashing the baggage and tossing it to the curb is really interesting, also MM posting it tonight. Like, I don’t think there is more resilient and independent Astro than Sun in Aqua (rebel), Moon in Gem (cool), Merc in Cap (perspective), Venus/Mars in Aries (self-explanatory), Jupes in Libra (partners & friends) and Saturn in Saggi (crushing the dreams of bouncy, adorable, friendly puppies the world over). For my part I am extrovert and get lonely easily, yet I also have Moon in Scorpio (which Saturn drove over with a truck, then… Read more »

PlutoMoon
PlutoMoon

Love this! Spirit it up!! 🙂 <3

Pi
Pi

Hugs for tribulations dear sphinx. Lovely words too. X

dizzarina
dizzarina

Love this Sphinx! x

LiberatingVenus
LiberatingVenus

I’m sympathetic – the older we get, the harder it is to make *new* friends – some people just get stuck in life/career/family ruts and don’t have the time or energy to devote to expanding their social circles. It’s nobody’s fault, but it can certainly be frustrating. A 23 degree Aquarius sun puts you in prime alignment to capitalize off the Jupiter/Uranus opposition. This is great energy for finding a “crew” that’s less flaky and that shares more harmonious beliefs/views/philosophies. Go to meetup.com (Uranian energy always favors digital consciousness) and peruse a few groups that center around your hobbies &… Read more »

sphinx
sphinx

Yes! “You are not truly friendless”. I did this vision meditation where I asked my higher self to show me why I was so alone (I felt) in this life. In a visual-feeling sort of answer, I got the image of a million friends made over a million incarnations all shouting out their warm feelings for me. I always feel like we are icebergs with just a little tip jutting into the frequency bandwidth of this reality. We are immense and powerful energies! But God you feel heavy and tiny when you are in these isolating meat suits. Also the… Read more »

PlutoMoon
PlutoMoon

Ahh this resonates so much. My Neptune is at 28 Scorp (in 12th) and took such a beating for a few years there with Saturn transiting (I also have Jupiter/Venus in Scorp so the whole time Saturn was in or near Scorpio I felt it), and I’m still recovering from it. Also my natal Saturn is at 22 Taurus so it was a Saturn opposition. Doesn’t help that it’s now over my Ascendant, but yes, I feel it is a sign that I am now leveling up. Things are much easier now, honestly, with Saturn in Sagg than it was… Read more »

sphinx
sphinx

Yes I feel you with the Saturn issues, Moon is killer! Heart felt empathy to multi Scorps for last year!! Yes but right now Saturn is over my NN and I am hibernating in many senses, especially with work. I had a plasma/cortisone injection in my hip a few weeks back. Very painful and that night I sobbed. I then realised how deep my fear is for my not-very-verbal-just-turned-7 Cappy Boppy boy. Moving forward, as you say, as he gets older and what if something happens to me? That is one thing related to or concurrent with my hip pain… Read more »

PlutoMoon
PlutoMoon

It was gut wrenching and coincided with my divorce from a very disordered man (bully/control freak/narcissist/sociopath) and I walked away with a profound case of PTSD, though I am much closer to the healing side of that now than I was 3-4 years ago when it all started. I’m experiencing Saturn in Sagg now (just crossed my ASC at 20 and will retro back and forth all year) as like having a case of bad PMS, while the Saturn on Scorpio was more like having a forced amputation with no anesthesia. Still sucks, but it’s been much worse and I’m… Read more »

CleverUserID
CleverUserID

“I don’t think this is a transit. It is a social trend. This is official. I have read several articles in legit media of late discussing this. It’s apparently to do with social media, people narrowing their social focus as they get older and (when i find this article i will link to it) women in married units isolating stray single women for fear you will attempt to nab their hubby.” yes. i am about a decade older, and could still have written the OP verbatim. add to this the fact that i don’t drink so … even less venues… Read more »

CleverUserID
CleverUserID

hmmmm and so Mystic says to look to Saturn … saturn is in Sag, and I have a natal Sag moon/3rd with natal saturn in aquarius/5th, so i’m thinking this is ramping up my isolation, and bail tendencies. people start to get close and all of a sudden i need a lot of me time. if i didn’t own a home i can’t sell, i would have moved at least 3 times over in the last 10 years. so, in lieu of going rogue gypsy, i hide in the house binging netflix and refusing to be social. and then i… Read more »

CleverUserID
CleverUserID

i also find it ironic that for whatever reason, i can’t even seem to connect here. with people who clearly have a common interest, albeit i am just a newb.

i’m starting to think i am just an asshole who should stay home, off the internet and never try to speak to anyone else, ever again. ha!

Pi
Pi

Whoa there 🙂 I really like your comments. Half the time it’s like “oh this is cool, ah right it’s cleveruserID nice” (btw love the name 😀 )
It sounds like you’re riding out the last of that Saturn sadge scorp transit as you described.
Sometimes I feel the same about internet fails. But hey. We’re still here. Stick around kid xx

skarab
skarab

What are you saying – I love your comments!!
Personally – if i have nothing else to offer to a comment, then i usually don’t respond – but you are def one i like to read.

Mystic tried having *like* boxes for a short while – but i think this might tend to put some people off commenting – as the whole thing tends to become a bit competitive and less real or informal, perhaps? I did notice that it became a bit stilted and less conversational. Anyways, keep on scribing, CUID! xx

sphinx
sphinx

Clever you are a pleasure to read – I just barely get time to get on here like I used to but I resonate with your thoughts and enjoy yr comments – you are appreciated!

CleverUserID
CleverUserID

so i came back to mock myself, and found you all being so heart-rendingly kind!!! THANK YOU! ? ? ? just, wow. now here’s the mocking: i was literally staring at my chart as if the mere act of doing this could WILL saturn out of sag, when i see peripherally, well phuq!!! i thought lilith was out of scorp. nope. not till 13-Feb apparently. and here i am with natal lilith in scorp, AND neptune (plus venus and mars, oy). my natal saturn in aqua is SQUARE neptune and lilith. and the sun is currently transiting …. my natal… Read more »

CleverUserID
CleverUserID

those question marks were supposed to be hearts, wtf alt-3!?

PlutoMoon
PlutoMoon

OMFG I forgot about Lilith. I reckon she’s pinging my Neptune about now then. I wondered about that… will be nice to see how it feels when she’s in Sagg.

Jokerman
Jokerman

That’s how I started.

Pi
Pi

You know, earlier today i was wondering if the witches are coming back, and they’re us.

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Yep.

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

And operating at a conservative fqn job for the biggest corrupt fqer of them all, in promotional position, and influencing the young at random locations near you.

Shhhhhh! Please baby shhhhhh!

Cos god knows the young people don’t. And they never reference haha. Unless it’s yeezy 🙂 Stealth bombs all the way, and for however long it takes. Saturn in Taurus 6th house, Mars in Capricorn 2nd. Shit…empty 8th in Kataka and no planets in Scorpio ruled 12th.

Pi
Pi

“They never reference” hahaha!

Pi
Pi

West, Kanye. Gold Digger, in: “Late Registration”, Def Jam Recordings, New York. 2005.

(I’m sure this is wrong but the attempt was fun lol)

Gemyogi
Gemyogi

‘We are the granddaughters of the witches you failed to burn’ YES ?

Alouetta
Alouetta

We’ve been in training long enough.

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Heheh i think my wheels just fell off! Did you hear?

*clunk wibble wibble ping*

Virgo Ellie
Virgo Ellie

OMGosh… great post!! It is definitely in the water: “lack of friends”… I was just saying to others recently how I don’t have any friends. I try to reach out to them via txt, then maybe phone call and it doesn’t work. It’s the same with men. Why date when texting can manage the interacts and they can hide… and just like friends. I am a Virgo Sun, Libra rising with Leo Moon so with Libra and Leo present I have some confidence in being around people. My Virgo might be the one who can simply walk away. It is… Read more »

Virgo Ellie
Virgo Ellie

I would also like to suggest going out alone. Go to one of your favorite places and see what happens. Each day / night becomes an adventure as you meet knew people. Some people will stay in your life and others are people who pop in and then leave but you had a great time chatting with / handing with for a couple of hours. I have done this a lot and it has now become my path for socializing. Some days I am not in the mood and I don’t meet anyone and others times I meet amazing people… Read more »

galadarling
galadarling

Fascinating — my man is a Virgo Sun, Leo Moon, Libra Rising just like you and he loves to go out alone and meet strangers.

Pi
Pi

Hi I am skimming all the incredibly rich comments above to say two things Right Now omg.
Mystic’s first para totally triggered me: i have been the ostracised one from the smug marrieds friends.
Also
Mystic I think the Scandinavian word you’re looking for is “hygge” hahahahahaa

Pi
Pi

(Is a Danish concept that people froth about and buy very expensive candle holders and handwoven knee rugs and drink hot chocolate from generously proportioned mugs held with both hands while gazing into the eyes of their beloved as the wholesome circle of non-threatening but intimate, old dear friends laugh happily at an unspecified joke. This softly lit scene is filmed from outside a snow-dusted windowsill)

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Oh god i havent even looked it up but may the fly-agaric soaked urine drunk by nordic shamans who may or may not be the pre-christian versions of santa piss all over those smug ikea marrieds from all countries! Amen! Slunje!

Pi
Pi

Any Ikea catalogue should do it 🙂

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Do u think if i bother to peruse one i am actually sending a curse? Asking for a friend.

Pi
Pi

😀
Not sure. I have 4th house deprivation issues so for me an Ikea catalogue is something that should be listed as an instrument of psychological torture. “All this domestic perfection and you can’t have it mwahaha”

Gemyogi
Gemyogi

haha have you seen that new shop called The Kooples? Maybe dutch or nordic.

It is exactly that. Complete with advertising huge billboards of ‘cute’ couples of all (white) varieties

Pi
Pi

Oh I fucking hate that so much for the exact reasons you described. BLANDNESS PTY LTD the dark side of Scandinavia

Pi
Pi

(Only because it triggers my clique alarm in a massive way. Hence actual spelling out of swear words)

Pi
Pi

I must have died at the hands of a tightly-knit group of people in a past life. Pluto in Libra opposite eris, mars in aqua 8tj house square Jupiter Lilith in 11th house. Whether I had it coming or not is another question lol.

Gemyogi
Gemyogi

Its more the whole ‘unless you’re married or in a couple you’re an unloveable loser or weirdo’ vibe I always get from that couple/family advertising of the ‘perfect’ family or romance — it’s supposed to make single people feel bad I think. Conservativism / status quo / mind control at its worst. Exemplified by smug codependent couples

Pi
Pi

Nordic shamanism though, so hot right nao. 😀

Unicorn Sparkles
Unicorn Sparkles

Skandi is a movement. Apparently

Pi
Pi

My take is a bit sarcastic (surprised? I thought so! ) it’s a pleasant idea tho.

Pi
Pi

The married thing was a critical mass situation I think. One of the last guys to get married hooked up with someone who loved getting “all the couples together” so yes. Anyway, they’re divorced now. Ironic I guess. It just seems so strange to me, are we friends or aren’t we? Part of me was wondering if it was Australian parochialism in full effect but I think everyone gets a bit protective of (presumably) hard-won relationship stability, fair enough I guess, who am I to tell someone how they should be socialising ( 🙁 ) athough I have met couples… Read more »

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

More like getting all the couples together to commiserate. War stories. Each of the genders in a marriage like that get stereotyped affectionately, then ripped apart with group (gendered) smiles. So disrespectful and so no wonder they didn’t last. Poor things. They couldn’t overcome familial/tribe expectations to be themselves. That’s why they aren’t married anymore.

Some others go it alone with self identity then realise they are abusive or boring or something else unable to fluidly deal with life.

skarab
skarab

As a *smug married person*, there is nothing that depresses me more than the thought of hanging out exclusively with other smug married people….omg GAG!….and yes Trust is the everything. If you can’t trust your partner to resist the charms of another single woman – then there’s not much hope for your marriage anyway. I revel in the fact that my dearest (and single) women friends get on with my partner & form part of our own extended family of renegades, misfits and even (gasp) normals.

Pi
Pi

Thank you for your sanity 🙂
It’s probably a bit mean to say people who have found lasting love, mutual respect, commitment and stability in the arms of another are “smug”. It’s just a few bad apples who give the rest of you a bad name 🙂

sphinx
sphinx

Yes me too! Many of our friends are single. Partly as they are the only ones who can fit our weird schedules or um.. bespoke personalities.
We look smug compliant but in reality we feel like bagpipes at a flute concert at some social functions.

skarab
skarab

LOL – fantastic analogy! I know exactly what you mean. But I love bagpipes. Maybe that’s why i wanted punk gypsy bagpipes & accordion at our marriage shin dig.

Unicorn Sparkles
Unicorn Sparkles

Yes, a mere mention of a couples get together results in me breaking out in hives. It’s a strange concept of becoming one person instead of two complimentary ones. And an assumption that everyone will get along simply because of a shared couple status.

12th house Virgo
12th house Virgo

I woke up with crushing loneliness the other morning. I couldn’t remember why I had to wake up or if my daughter was with me (she is with her dad half time) but the feeling passed in a breath. I’m 42. The married couples preferring to socialize with couples or single men is a thing. I was married once. The shift was dramatic. Enticing people over with free food and drinks works. Although I usually end up observing more than interacting, it is still nice to have the people around and to see people you suspect may like each other… Read more »

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Yes i could connect in my twenties with a recently homeless prostitute who had a lesbian lover to mitigate the pain of men including the one who broke her 4 yr old’s arm. She was beautiful, damaged and interesting with her choices and chapters ahead of her. Is that what i miss? Yes i did. How unsubtle i was in my listening then, though. And still can be. And still recall these past friends when i hear limited views, and still arc up on their behalf. How nice and incredibly warming it is to hear the stories of older people… Read more »

Unicorn Sparkles
Unicorn Sparkles

Have been through bouts of this throughout life. I always put it down to Aqua aloofness or perception of snobbery due to introverted manner. Plus I have a tendency to go socially awol for sometimes months when I can’t deal with people. But I was always the single friend. Noticed in my 30’s that the child weighted women at work would openly ostracise me because lacking in spawn meant I couldn’t relate to their burdens. When I finally did couple and have a child, I suddenly could no longer socialise unless it involved other children being there and the location… Read more »

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

“200 texts in a day about the weirdest subjects”

No i don’t believe your conversation subjects were limited at all. You LISTENED and riffed off what you heard. That’s a friend xx

Taurus Vixen
Taurus Vixen

Well, I’m in my early 50’s so different from turning 40. But I will give it a go from what I have experienced in past few years. Married people do have a tendency to do social things with other married or coupled people. Then if they have children, so much of their social revolves around the children. Even if they are out to dinner with me and the teenager is 2 miles away there is the text messaging between parent and child. It just seems all of the parent’s life focuses on the child. Some focus is quite healthy for… Read more »

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Yes i know that i had to assess my subliminal friendship expectations along with or more likely after assessing my romantic nature. Attachment styles…you might have more than one.

Alouetta
Alouetta

Sorry to buck the trend but I’m early forties and though I’m nowhere near as social as I used to be I still do OK. Yeah I lost some friends to babies but that doesn’t last forever and they’re by and large the kind of mums who would rather talk about what’s going on in the world than about their kids nonstop. I have old friends that I still keep in touch with and I make an effort to cultivate new ones. I’ve found that I’ve made most of my friends through physical activities – dance classes and other fun… Read more »

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

I feel im doing ok now too. But i have had to go through this feeling. Did you ever have that? Your past comments over time have always showed some quiet depth, so if u dont mind, can you remind me of your astro? Im thinking houses as well as planets, the ones that speak of our connections and self esteem.

Alouetta
Alouetta

I’m glad you’re doing well Milleunanotte. I really appreciate your comments on this site. And I do get that feeling but I think I did my loneliness in reverse. I was the kid with no or very few friends, and I moved cities by myself when I was 16. I didn’t really find my people until I was in my mid 20s and then it was a social explosion until my late thirties (this coincided with my progressed Venus moving into Aqua). Lately I have less acquaintances but the real friends stayed and they’re all friends that I went through… Read more »

Gemyogi
Gemyogi

“Plus we’ve all realised that romantic relationships tend to have an expiry date that friendships outlast.”

Word.

Chironx8
Chironx8

a couple of things spring to mind whilst reading your story, and I empathise with you and feel your sense of being lost, but what came to me is also the saying often bandied about in the career/parenting discourse thrown mostly at women, that you can have it all but not all at once. I do agree that each of us has only a limited capacity for everything and so energy flows towards different priorities at some time, and shifts at others. You have accomplished some life goals that elude others and vice versa, and in my experience now that… Read more »

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

I absolutely feel your comments, especially about energy levels, and your balancing way to view your own accomplishments (including the opportunities for those).

Not all marrieds are smug. Or locked in to a little world. Just busy 🙂

I’m willing to bet (jupiter in sag, merc in aries) you have friends or good acquaintances who are single. And are ever open to those folk, regardless of whether you have the time to keep catching up. I’m learning to be more open in those mini chats to folk like yourself, and the amazing perspective they give you on a busy day xx

Chironx8
Chironx8

I am lucky enough to have a mix of friends and my closest confidante is single-ish. I have also learned as I get older – early 40s – that I value and respect one’s privacy more. The deep and meaningfuls are more supportive than gossipy, but Pisces Sun, Gem Rising – I do love to hear a good story …
I agree with the other comments that there is a social shift in general towards more insular lives, and some of my (and my hubby’s) great friends are single and we can’t understand why…

skarab
skarab

Yes! I totally second everything you say Chironx8. beautifully put.

sphinx
sphinx

Nice!

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

You know it was going thru this exact thing for the first time (yes, it keeps resurfacing but you learn so much from your own heartache) that i found the Mystic Medusa blog.

Now that’s got to be a reward! Wow seven years on i think and i have this site in my blood, tho dont comment as much as then. (I was chronically ill.)

Saturn does hard aspects in 7 year cycles, i just checked. Wow why am i so not surprised. Did, um, Saturn Shit lead me to Mystic??? Whoah nelly.

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Plus i met a flesh and blood mate here. Hello Centaurus babe! Im back from overseas and will b in touch soon xxx

12th house Virgo
12th house Virgo

This site has helped me and your companionship 🙂

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Oh u have been such a witchy guide for me, darling xxx

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

God, we read so much about each other right here on this blog. I really feel i know some of your complex self. I certainly know you rock and are a real woman, not a shadow in the internet ether xxxx

Gemyogi
Gemyogi

hell yeah — online communities are REAL. Glad I found this one! love yas all

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Xxxx ever to you too, Gemyogi

Centaurus
Centaurus

Hello gorgeous! I have barely been reading the blog lately so all I can deduce is the cosmic ring was heard and responded to.

Looking forward to catching up too! xx

I think my curiosity was also piqued here. It is a thing and a thing that many experience. I wonder if it’s symbolic of the age of Aquarius. Yes, sure that’s super high level and doesn’t consider the myriad of personal experiences it can translate into, my own included but the flavour seems about right.

antiquarian
antiquarian

Tis indeed a societal trend… And the challenges increase as you age and remain childless and single. Community choir, activism and being neighbourly all help…… Find other passions to support…. When its not about you but wider concerns things can flow.

Gemyogi
Gemyogi

Yes to activism — and also book clubs!! and stitch and bitch sessions !!

alchemy-salt
alchemy-salt

I identify with a lot of this, even though I’m younger than you (28, and therefore theoretically in the prime of my fun socialite years…) I moved from the city I’d lived for four years in 2013 and since then have been almost entirely friendless with the exception of colleagues (and I am very lucky that I do get on well with the people I work with). I work shifts which means I don’t have many free weekends and evenings. Sometimes I am so lonely I experience it physically as a sort of crushing sensation on my chest. Most of… Read more »

Tina
Tina

I have moved to a new town because I wanted to go to University. I am 54, recently widowed, and totes understand the “single woman not welcome” dynamic in some circles. My current solution is to have a Valentines Dinner for single women. The list so far includes – a neighbour I met who is also widowed, – my real estate agent that I bought the house from – the doctor”s receptionist – a uni friend – the co-ordinatir of my Uni course – the girl at the bank – me I am hoping to meet one more woman as… Read more »

Sp8cemunky
Sp8cemunky

LOVE this idea. Even better if everyone accepts …let us know how it turns out.

Tina
Tina

Excellent fun. So much so that one of the GALantine ladies has decided to have a dinner party at her house in a month. And so have the others.
Which should be even more fun.
Remember Louise Hay – “What you give, returns to you multiplied”.
Totally worth the effort.
?A very happy Valentines Dinner.

Pi
Pi

Bang on. Dinner party for randoms who stand a top chance of being awesome is like a dream evening for me. (Gemini rising, Jupiter in 11th house Taurus)

CleverUserID
CleverUserID

i love this. i think i need to do this. i know many many single women. “know”, but am not friends with. maybe i need to start taking the lead. i’ve come to loathe valentines’s day. either i am single, or in a relationship that’s not working, i have S.A.D. and february usually has me just starting to come out of my funk again. this could be a stellar way to turn it around. thank you for the birll idea.

Gemyogi
Gemyogi

Great work. I’m also organising a single women’s self love valentines party — spontaneously happened when a single friend posted about organising val day deliveries for ppl, and feeling a bit wistful about knowing she wasn’t getting anything from a loved one / partner. So I msg’d her let’s have a self love single women’s champagne on Feb 14.

I’m sure we’ll get a few more recruits !

Corrina
Corrina

Heya all … I’ve been absent for awhile organising wedding plans. Less than 2 weeks now!! However I did feel the urge to comment on this ladies post. Speaking purely for myself, I found as I entered my 40s that my interest in “friends” dissipated dramatically. In my 20s I was a friends fiend. My whole life was about my social group, even if I was in a relationship. But in my 40s … meh. Don’t really give a shit really. Yes I have friends who I value immensely so don’t get me wrong … however I recognised I needed… Read more »

Electro
Electro

Oh, good call about Sag moon. I’ve had Luna Luxe for a while but just recently noticed that Sag moon is the only sign that has “Nourish Your Qi” while ALL other signs have advice to “Nourish Your Yin”. I enjoy yoga but my favorite is taking my dog on a super long hike through the nature preserve.

Artemis_arkady
Artemis_arkady

Are you marrying the heartbreaking Cap man of a couple of years ago?? Glad it worked out, if so. I noticed the comments on him because i’ a Cap.

Mystic Medusa
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