For funny horoscopes, read this take on the Sun Signs working on this cruise boat together. From Aries to Pisces, hilarious and true.
We are all made up of many different astrological elements. Nonetheless, what your friends won’t tell you – your Sun Sign will. Here is my guide to the Sun Signs as shown via their jobs on an imaginary cruise ship.
Welcome Aboard! The staff includes every zodiac sign.
Aries Is The Captain standing proudly in the bridge, gazing resolutely ahead and issuing snappy orders to the crew.
Aries is the Captain standing proudly in the bridge, gazing resolutely ahead and issuing snappy orders to the crew. He keeps a secret shit list and runs ten kilometers on the treadmill every morning before bullet-proof coffee. Cable news plays in the background 24-7. Aries fantasizes about the ship being attacked by pirates that he would defeat. The action footage would somehow make it onto the top cable news of the day.
Taurus is the ships beauty spa manager whom everyone has a crush on. They glide around with perfect posture and the merest whiff of patchouli. She sees sea witches outside her cabin at night and has a secret shrine to Amphitrite that nobody but the Scorpio ship therapist knows about. She has a line of salt across her cabin door and senses when the ship sails over a ley line.
She Senses When The Ship Sails Over A Ley Line
Gemini is the piano player who knows everything. He acts as an information broker. He is rumored to be an N.S.A spook and has a side-hustle of being a social media strategist. Gemini has a mental dossier on every guest of note/ He’s expert at inane but compelling small talk that nonetheless elicits useful details.
Cancer is the ship’s chef who has secretly bought their supply of “food from home.” They fantasize about a mutiny against the Aries Captain but soothe such urges with carbohydrate benders in the privacy of their cabin. Despite whining for a more substantial proportion of their shift than anyone else, the Cancerian is unfailingly supportive and friendly to guests suffering sea sickness or anxiety.
Leo’s Ship Cabin Has Already Been Repainted Three Times Because It Felt Stale.
Leo is the guest star performer. Leo’s room has already been repainted three times because it felt “stale.” Leo also annoys the Aries captain by demanding the use of the ships satellite communications to call their agent at odd hours of the night. Leo is feverishly planning a comeback that will not involve boats.
Virgo runs the housekeeping services. She spends the waking hours in a righteous rage at the state of skirting boards and humanity. Has quiet paranoia about microbes and on-boat plumbing that only the Gemini piano player seems to validate. Secretly gets samples of the swimming pool water to send off for lab testing.
Libra is the cocktail, beverages and entertainment manager, very good looking and serenely polyamorous. Specializes in shipboard romances and seducing guests experiencing mid-life crises. Is at the center of several love quadrangles among the crew.
Scorpio Meditates On The Helipad In The Nude At Night
Scorpio is the ship therapist and motivational expert. He is a secret smoker who prowls the boat from top to bottom at weird hours. Scorpio is frustrated by his futile attempts to introduce cruise ship guests to esoteric concepts and stoic philosophy. Meditates on the helipad in the nude at night. The Captain thinks that this is pretentious wankery.
Sagittarius is the uber-fit game’s organizer, tanned and rumored to be blood-doping between bouts of pointlessly athletic but remarkable feats. Highlight: Rappelling between the decks using someone’s dressing gown cord. Sagittarius brazenly sells off-label knock off medications and strange neurotransmitter supplements to the cruise ship guests.
Capricorn is in the Engine Room, keeping the whole thing afloat and making occasional appearances in the dining room, much to the delight of the Leo Guest Star performer. She is forever trying to entice Capricorn Engineer to her room, under whatever pretext is necessary.
Pisces specializes in acting as the blandest person on the planet.
Aquarius is the Techie – enabling internet access, communications, and navigation. Aquarius suspects the Gemini is hacking/listening in to conversations of the Leo Guest Star/stealing bandwidth for their multiple social media businesses. But Aquarius does not care as they’re preoccupied with their SETI hook-up.
Pisces is the helicopter pilot – flitting between boats and ports. They won’t commit to one mode, one ship or one trip. Or, in fact, one anything for more than a minimal unit of time. They only turn up for weird shit going down or a major event/party.
Pisces specializes in acting as the blandest person on the planet. But then, all of a sudden, Pisces emits an extraordinary statement or confession that silences the room.
Aries Captain has threatened to put Pisces Helicopter Pilot in the ship brig for various reasons over the years.