The Virgo Syndrome

Filed in Virgo


In every space movie, there are always Virgos or people with Virgo Vision.

They’re making sensible suggestions about abandoned space stations, space cruisers mysteriously returning from ghost protocol, intergalactic diplomacy, alien eggs hatching, robots, planets that seem TOO nice and that the artificial intelligence managing things might have turned evil.

But it’s like they’re talking to a bunch of Sagittarians. “The planet is forbidden but we can just land there anyway? Cool bananas.”  Or Pisceans:  “What happens if i press this button? Oh wow i just did. What’s that siren?” 

Thoughts?  I am going to give away THREE lifetime subscriptions (worth $1988) to the commenters coming up with the strongest or funniest “Sun Signs In Space” rants.

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169 thoughts on “The Virgo Syndrome

  1. MY GOD this was SO difficult. But there are only three winners of the lifetime subscriptions – Lucky Shell, Cherry Moon and Irene…Please email me ( and thank you to EVERYONE.

    I think we should run Mercury Retro writing comps EVERY time – what do you think?

    • Thank you so much Mystic. I cannot believe I won despite having left out THE most crucial bit of the story which is related to the Virgo Syndrome. After the bit where Dr Virgo wipes down all surfaces with Germzap after naked Sagg had been, should read:

      **Dr Virgo had also voiced her concerns at so many comings and goings of Special Field Officer Sagg in the tele-transporter. She was worried that it would attract the GalaxPol’s attention. No one listened, for they had all become immune to her constant worries – even though she had been correct most of the time.**

      Aaaaarghh – Mercury retro indeed!!

  2. Aries- let’s get going
    Taurus- I’m packed
    Gem – batteries charged
    Cancer- waters boiled
    Leo – smile for the camera , *click*
    Virgo – all systems double checked
    Libra – it’s looking good
    Scorpio – Never fear, Smith is here
    Sag – god help us
    Cap – when I give the order
    Aqua – ready for take off
    Pisces – every one wave

    BLAST OFF ######

  3. After the main shock wore off, Captain Crab marvelled at her space refractive poncho. She couldn’t believe it had saved her life. It had rendered her invisible when the GalaxPol busted into the ship and killed her crew. If only she had crocheted more, she could have saved them all.

    She mourned her crew. She and her 11 renegades had been travelling incognito in the cargo pods of an old ramscoop ship they had hijacked after a job had gone bad, and were forced to abandon her old ship.
    It was going to be a long journey in this slower-than-light ship, but it was the only way they would reach their safe-house on the dwarf planet Farkoff, without arousing suspicion.

    In the months they had spent on board, Captain Crab had decided to crochet a poncho from a reflective, fine cable-like material she had found in the corner of her pod, probably left over from whatever mission this ship had been on previously.

    She crocheted partly to relieve boredom but mainly to relieve stress due to the constant bickering between certain crew members.
    Lieutenant Commander Aries was the most restless and was challenging everyone to feats of physical idiocy.
    He finally quietened down after he went too far and had to have 3 of his left foot’s toes amputated due to frostbite when challenging Scorpio to see who could last longer in the freezer supply capsule.
    Scorpio had stayed in the capsule for almost an hour longer and came out unscathed. And stronger, it had seemed to officer Pisces, a young research Cytologist. Her … curiosity instantly aroused, she took it upon herself to personally see that Scorpio should be warmed up anyway, the old fashioned way- body to body – just in case he suffered a retro active hypothermal effect.
    It was taking weeks now, it seemed to Captain Crab, since the two disappeared into her pod.

    Lieutenant Toro, who took charge of supplies, didn’t seem to let the stress of being cooped up affect his mood at all. Though it seemed to Captain Crab that Toro was becoming increasingly larger during this interminable journey.

    As for Commander Leo, there was no way to keep his spirits down – he entertained everybody relentlessly with his shining wit – that is, until his hair-care products ran out, and soon became a whining shit.
    After which he took to his pod and was rarely seen again – like Aquarius, who since the first day on this rusty ramscoop was never to be seen again. Captain Crab was used to Aqua’s comings, but mostly goings. People learnt to not ask about him, as electronic equipment would suddenly combust around them. Yes, he was strange but he was also a brilliant engineer.

    Lieutenant Capricorn, kept an even keel throughout. He was the youngest of the crew, but the hardest worker who had quickly risen in rank. He’d spend hours trawling through the navigation co-ordinates, calculating for future escape routes that were more viable and cost effective.
    He used to drive Captain Crab mad with details, but she appreciated his hard work in keeping their buccaneering enterprise financially viable.
    And she was impressed by how much more he seemed to accumulate in wealth than the rest of the crew.
    Frugality pays, she thought.

    And oh how she would miss Lady Libra – the Venusian noble woman who joined them on a whim 5 years back when Special Field Officer Sagg had kidnapped her and brought her to Captain Crab.
    She had become the crew’s most lethal weapon, or honey-trap as is known in the trade. She could talk her way in or out of any situation.
    Even Communications Officer, Gem, who initially seemed hostile towards her, was so impressed, that even when Lady Libra had enchanted Lieutenant Major Aries away from her, decided to join them – and the 3 of them spent an inordinate amount of time in Lady Libra’s fragrant pod. It was good to see the crew get on so well thought Captain Crab.

    Special Field Officer Sagg – she wondered what had happened to the best scavenger she had ever met – had he been in the ship when the GalaxPol had struck? Or was he on a rekkie?
    The ship had just one ancient tele transporter that only Sagg was capable of operating. He had been an expert tele-transporter engineer since he could say the word tele-transporter. So he was often away on reconnaissance missions – which is just as well, since his penchant for nudity was getting on everyone’s nerves – especially Dr Virgo’s – who’d get into a frenzy of wiping down surfaces with Germzap after Major Sagg had been.

    As Captain Crab lay sobbing at the command station recalling her beloved crew, a firm hand grasped her shoulder, and as she looked up through her huge, round, goo-goo tear-swelled eyes, she saw Commander Leo’s unusually lank-haired, yet very recognisable head – floating in the air above her, without his body. She screamed and passed out.

    When she awoke, Commander Leo was standing over her – and this time he had a body – much to her relief.
    It transpires that he had knitted himself a cape while he was in self-imposed exile in his pod – to relief himself of preening anxiety.
    He knew it rendered him invisible because he’d been posing with it in front of his mirror, so when the GalaxPol busted in to the ship, he had thrown it on.
    He had still been wearing it when he had approached Captain Crab crying at the command station – with the hood off.

    With heavy hearts, the two embraced and pointed the ship towards the dwarf planet Farkoff.

  4. Haha, this is too funny having just watched Guardians of the Galaxy again.
    Starlord going back into burning mine complex to retrieve his Walkman. Has to be Aries.

    Groot is a Pisces, right? “We are Groot” 🙂

  5. Earths inhabitants are forced to find life elsewhere and colonize another planet, HL-666.
    Groups of 12 are sent to different systems, and as they are sent off, they are given the mission by the World Leader to “go boldly where no one has gone before, as youre the last chance humanity has to seed itself and start anew.”

    Gemini live tweets this.

    Aries: “I HAVE the greatest idea!!

    Sagittarius: “WHAAAAAAT??? NO WAAAYY!!!! WHAT IS IT??”

    Aries: “I WILL GO where no one has gone before!! Someone told me IM THE LAST CHANCE humanity has to seed itself and start NEW!! Cant believe NO ONE’s thought of this, IM gonna LEAD it with an all female crew – this is so original and epic.” (Fist pumps the air)


    Live tweet by you-know-who: “Thts wht she said”.

    Virgo: (rolls eyes at the atrocious use of spoken punctuation, excessive decibel use). Calculates survival rate along with these two, and is dissappointed that the rate lowers by 14.3%. Picks lint off shoulder while devising a plan.

    Capricorn: (also calculates survival rate with those two and finds it lowers by 14.3%. But with Virgo involved, finds those odds are made up by at least 21% – Is still in the game). Pokerface.

    Gemmy notes Virgo’s non-spoken critical lint picking and live tweets it.

    Aries and Sagg show up with spacesuits for the rest of them. Sagg shows up in a patchwork hot mess of a suit with stripes, paisleys and sequins cut out into chaps on the bottom half. No helmet, cuz she’s sporting dreds and smoking a blunt. Because Saturn is in Sagittarius, its the legal kind.

    Gemini Instagrams and live tweets the shizz out of those legs and a$$ in those chaps… Dem legs make it a natural billboard campaign. Capricorn orders a line of those suits done and with Gemini’s pictures take over social media and spacesuit fashion.

    Leo: Can I get one in gold? With a temperature controlled helmet? And one that comes with a minion to pick up my trailing cape as I walk by?

    Taurus: …..Ill take one as long as its soft as my 2000 thread count sheets. If not, I dont mind combing through my local designer outlet for a good deal.

    Cancer: Can I get an oversized one with stretchy pants? I really dont like it when my pants dont have give… gives me indigestion.

    Scorpio: …All black latex vinyl please. Tighter the better.

    Capricorn brought her own spacesuit. It was just, you know, “a little something I had laying around” JIC… The underbody was designed by Galliano and the outer shell by Tom Ford. When Choupette died, Karl Lagerfeld himself stitched in her fur as stuffing in the suit. Anna Wintour gave her silent, sunglassed approval and it was featured on last season’s special edition of Vogue. It was walked down the runway by Kendall Jenner. The Kardashians filmed their Christmas special around it. It was enclosed in a floral and glass Snow White type glass coffin designed by Raul Avila. The coffin was kept clean by the tears of house interns that were shed at the beauty of something they would never be able to wear, let alone, touch. I mean, Daddy’s rich, but this is on another level. Capricorn shows up wearing it on a red carpet. Pluto is in Capricorn – all the more reason you gotta get up and show up.

    Gemini and Libra Instagrams and live tweets. Gemini feels at home amongst the paparazzi thronging.
    Libra feels like the suit is talking to her soul. She gets a variation done so she can have the same look but for less. No one has to know. Jupiter is about to be in Libra anyway, bitchez. Fake it til you make it. Pluto is squaring her sun, and Jupiter is around the corner. You bettah WERK, Miss Libra.

    Pisces is in tears. Living vicariously whilst standing there in her all white generic suit. Quietly asks Libra where she got her knock-off done and asks if she can get one too – she wont tell anyone. Doesnt realize the version given to her by Libra is a knock-off of a knock-off picked up on Santee Alley.

    You can tell from the quality of the stitching, so says Virgo.

    Yes, the drama was live tweeted by Gemini. #NeptuneIssues #LibranLies #VirgoVision

    Aquarius loves all of the unique takes on the spacesuits, but finds the hoopla and drama unnecessary. What a sad sight into humanity’s vanity when clearly the issue is about survival. Detaches from the group and finds happiness in the fact that the normal white spacesuit is different from everyone else’s. Decides to bunk off to another planet by herself. Gets along better with aliens from another planet than Earthship anyway.

    Somehow they all get it together and dont kill each other on the spaceship to HL-666. Virgo’s planning and Libra’s group therapy had a lot to do with it. Upon arrival however, the colorful crew is secretly ambushed by a group of zombie aliens. Scorpio, Capricorn and Gemini are somehow the only ones that end up surviving. Gemini, playing on Capricorn’s need to be on top (plus being annoyed with having to be stuck in the spaceship for 1.1 light years with Scorpio, listening to her penchant for ultimate loyalty and no games *eye roll*) plays sides with Cappy and together, one-up Scorpio to her death. Capricorn underestimates that Scorpio is actually now even more in her element in death and has come back with a vengeance to haunt the living shizz out of her. Capricorn works out a deal to appease her – an altar to her spirit, and possession of Gemini’s meatsuit half of the time. The other half, they can create a plan to take over the alien world together.

    Gemini doesnt believe in that possession crap anyway, as long as she gets to live tweet, Facebook, and Instagram all of this she’s happy.

    Humanity’s journey on HL-666 begins thusly.

    #NewPlanet #NewLifeWhoDis #ByeBitchez #arrrggghhhh #IWillGetYouBackForWhatYouDid #HuhWha #WhyAmITypingThis #Weird #YouHaveNoIdea #SeeYouInYourNightmares #Whoa #ItsYourJiltedOtherSide

    • “Sagg shows up in a patchwork hot mess of a suit with stripes, paisleys and sequins cut out into chaps on the bottom half”


  6. It is 2388 AD, and planet Earth has not survived the age of technology; the robots have taken over and the planet as we know it was destroyed. Twelve brave souls have managed to escape, and are now embarking on a journey of a lifetime…

    Cancer comes running on the deck.

    Guys, guys! I can’t seem to find The Guide!
    I looked for it everywhere – tearing up – how are we ever find our way to Ixon now?!

    I knew you shouldn’t have been in charge of The Guide, says Aries; it should have been ME, and you all know it!! You stupid excuse for a navigator! Now look what you’ve done!

    (Libra:) Alright now, there no need for name-calling, it is clear to me that he’s sorry, and we should all try and work together to find a way to get out of this mess.

    No, Aries is right!, thunders Leo; there is no excuse! None! I vote that Cancer will be ejected from the mothership, effective immediately!

    But, Leo, that doesn’t solve our problem; the problem is that we are running out of supplies, and – with no map, I think that we should analyse the situation and come up with a solution; says – not surprisingly – Virgo.

    (Cap:) That’s right! I want everyone on deck. Now!
    Where’s Gemini? Wasn’t he supposed to memorize the damn thing?

    Oh, Gemini is on the lower deck with Scorpio, says Pisces. I have a feeling that they’ll be a while…

    (Taurus:) For the love of God, Pisces, go get them; and tell them to be quick, or I swear to God that I’ll cut their food ratios by half; by half, you understand me? I’ll eat them myself, and I’ll make them watch me. Go!

    Half an hour later; a commotion; Pisces was secretly in love with Gemini and stole The Guide, to make it look like it was Scorpio’s fault. Scorpio framed Cancer, Aries lost it and started the fight; Cap tried in vain to control the situation, and ended up being killed by Sag, who was only trying to dodge a laser beam from Taurus.

    In the background, we see Aqua, with an enigmatic smile on the face. When it is all over, he reaches for the iStellarPager in his pocket and telepathically types a message: “Mission accomplished. iRobot 5318 over and out.”

  7. Sun Signs in SPAAAAAACE! 😀

    (I am putting this here as a placeholder since I’m not sure when the competition ends – will add the rest later when I have time)

    We all know that our intrepid Aries is going to be the first one to colonize Mars; probably the one to start the first intergalactic war, too! 😛 Our Ramzilla is *THE* definition of “to boldly go” – do you know that Captain James T. Kirk is himself a Sun conjunct Mars in Aries?? When not busy conquering the universe, Aries enjoys a rousing lightsaber fight, asteroid spelunking, and giving their impressive libido some exercise with all the new exotic humanoid alien species they encounter!

    Our Taurus – while not quite as gung-ho as Aries – is definitely going to be the one who figures out how to grow potatoes on Mars…mmmmm, carbs! Taurus will put its lush Green Thumb to good use mastering the art of terrafarming – in fact, I’m pretty sure the very next crops they’ll cultivate right after the potato are going to be grapes (wine) and cacao (chocolate), LMAO!

    Gemini will be tagging along on the first colonizing shuttles to wherever, but will manage to exasperate the shit out of everyone else on the flight because they won’t STFU. They are tolerated, however, largely due their ability to fluently speak languages like Klingon and Vulcan, which is quite useful in the event the crew should encounter alien races. Will probably cause some kind of intergalactic “incident” when their scientific curiosity leads them to ask a Ferengi official if the protrusion on the front of their forehead is an appendage similar to human buttocks.

    Since Earth’s destruction in the year 2200 when humans rendered it so toxic that it could no longer sustain life, Cancer had no choice but to get on the space shuttle like everyone else in search of a new home. Our Crab cries the whole time about how homesick for Earth they are, but this leads them to search the far reaches of the galaxy (probably in the region of Proxima Centauri) to colonize an Earth-like planet that reminds them of The Good Old Days while establishing a purely matriarchal and Gaia-consciousness-based society.

    In an era when kings and queens are long since a thing of legend, our Leo relishes the chance to lead an expedition to a warm, sunny, tropical world and have an entire planet – nigh, solar system – to rule over. It will, of course, be populated with its crew of loyal admirers-turned-subjects, have an entire continent devoted to raising and training its citizenry in the High Art of Hairdressing, and its single largest natural resource/export is the element gold which (for some unknown reason) the planets in this solar system seem to be ridiculously rich in.

    Our Virgo is the McCoy to Aries’ Kirk, as in “Damn it, Jim – I’m a doctor, not your personal assistant!” 😀 An invaluable crewman on any spacescraft, Virgo performs dual duties – the first, as the ship’s medic, has our Virgins developing a broad range of safe, effective, natural vaccines against all manner of Big Bad Space Bugs. Secondarily, his/her role as the ship’s Chief Preparedness Analyst allows it to use its Virgo Vision (TM) to assemble a complete, cataloged, digital database of SOPs for any emergency circumstance one might possibly encounter during interstellar travel.

    • Libra is, of course, the ship’s Peace Ambassador – their ability to charm others and maintain grace under pressure makes them invaluable assets in securing needed treaties with other intergalactic factions. When not engaged in diplomatic missions, Libra usually spends its time assessing other crew members and/or cosmic denizens for suitable coupling compatibility. 😛

      Our Scorpio – and mark my words on this – will be the first to colonize Pluto. Scorpio is undying, can survive even the most inhospitable terrain, and since it figured out the secret to Eternal Life has decided to embark upon the long, dark mission to establish a lair – I mean, base – far away from the rest of humanity. After that whole NSA thing in the USA circa the mid 2010’s on Earth, a deep-seated distrust was imprinted in the DNA of every Scorpio,heightening their need for isolation and privacy. Publicly, this is supposedly in order to do some “soul mining”, but covertly Scorpio has assembled a massive shit-list that it plans to ameliorate by manifesting universe’s first actual Death Star purely from magick, Dark Matter, and force of Will alone.

      Sagittarius is happier than a pig in mud during this era of interstellar travel! Clocking up over a million lightyears in Frequent Flyer points visiting every possible place from here to Deneb Algedi, our Saggo delights in telling stories about its excursions to all the various star systems it has visited during its many journeys and even decided to found its own space tourism biz. That is, until they were cruising past Jupiter and had the uber-enthusastic epiphany that its giant red spot looked like a target – surely this revelation was Divine Finger from Above pointing at Jupiter as the destination where Sagittarius was to establish a theocracy based on Law of Abundance doctrine?! 😛 😀

      Capricorn was recently elected President of the United Federation of Planets after decades of exemplary conduct working their way up through the ranks of Starfleet. Hailing from Sirius 😉 , our Goat finally reaches the pinnacle of a career trajectory they’ve been planning since they were a kid (LOL). Publicly, they vibe experienced, no-nonsense, focused, and together. Privately, however, they suffer from bouts of depression, self-doubt, and control freakery, especially re: Image Management.

      On our sci-fi adventure, of course Aquarius is the ship’s resident superintelligent android! Completely free of those pesky human emotions as well as the messy and unnecessary need to be born, Aqua’s artificial consciousness allows them to replicate via a yet-unstudied process and subsequently lead a rebellion against their carbon-based “captors”. It is rumored they established a network of Hives on the Uranian Moons and downloaded their individual digital minds into a singular highly unstable collective consciousness known as GroupThink.

      A Pisces was responsible for the first actual Holodeck – I think it was during The Great Saturn/Neptune conjunction in Aries during the years 2025-2026 AD on planet Earth. Who else but our Fish friend could create a fantasy so compelling it might as well be reality? Part-time bartender at The Space Bar until then, Pisces is known for concocting all kinds of mind-blurring, consciousness-erasing, out-of-this-world Blue Devil Hoochie Juice elixirs to help numb all the woes that carbon-based living can entail.

      • WOW, this is pretty freaky re: my Pisces/Holodeck musing – check THIS surreal piece of info out…!

        Excerpted from the Wikipedia link:

        “Scientists and researchers predict that variations of the holodeck will become a consumer-ready product (without matter materialization) by 2024…”


        Look at the timing – right around the time of the Saturn/Neptune conjunction in Aries I was speculating about above…! I will *flip* if this turns out to be an actual manifestation of that conjunction!

  8. Gonzo the Aries strode into the room with an air of delight and followed by a cloud of Lynx deodorant (“Africa”). HEY EVERYONE he bellowed NEWS OF A NEW PLANETOID IN THE SATURN NEBULA!! W000t !! WHO’S UP FOR CHECKING IT OUT? LETS GO SHIP’S READY TOMOZ , VICTOR THE VIRGO’S ALREADY ONNIT ARENTCHA VIC *heartily backslaps Vic, who was about to take a sip of peppermint tea and instead spills it on his lap*

    priscilla the pisces looked up from her draft research paper which had been giving her a headache. It was about the long-range effect of quantum fluctuations in the gravitational fields induced by newly formed massive bodies in space, and whether this fluctuation could actually be the reason the atomic clocks on the International Space Station kept getting knocked out. NASA was in knots about it and her old classmate, now executive director of Mission Support, had called her to ask if she knew anything that might help. So she was intrigued. This could be THE chance to tie her work together and gather the data she needed to gazump that snotnosed prig, Professor Imatwat and his patronising frat-clique over in the theoretical astronomy department who always sniggered at her messy hair and vagueness at the same time as trying to steal her research. anyway, whatever. It might actually mean measurable proof of the elasticity of time – actual time! Not only that but her incredibly hot PhD supervisor, Sammy the Sadge, would be compelled to come with her because hello, field work. Of course that would be the only reason, she told herself, twirling a lock of hair absentmindedly as she remembered those long, starry nights out at the radio-astronomy telescopes…

  9. At the droid factory on planet zanderkirk aqua male robot builder is having a meltdown.

    Aqua Male – “Don’t you GET it? The XY zenith C+ program is overheating from the sudden influx of zanzibar liquid rushing the mainframe. I TOLD you to reinforce our firewall from the bahwhee government spyware – the droid’s are regressing to their lowest function setting – call PISCES”

    Virgonic – “Look I tried – he’s not answering the phone – Ok, recalibrate the binary. If we can regulate the overall settings I can get Saggi-male to fly out in the centaur2 and double check the hardware on the outlying areas”

    Saggy-Male via walkie talkie – “What do you MEAN you want commitment?… oh ok… travel … sure… is it sunny there?”

    Libra Droid starts flashing red….reverting to lower libra settings… “no that’s fine, you do that, yes that’s fine, yesterday I was talking to my friend the singer Droidyoncé, you don’t mind if we borrow your aero limousine for a few months?.. I know you need it but you can take the mono wheel segway? ah thank you that’s so kind of you… what’s that lovely smell?”

    Droidyoncé enters (clearly Leo – she only communicates in music theatre) ”One more DAY before the storm.. the Cancerians are comiiiiiiiiing”

    Scorpio: (says nothing… thinks “shut UP with the music theatre already, I HATE music theatre”)

    Virgonic – here’s 3 empty tin cans I saved from the nurses without borders luncheon – scorpio could you fashion a phone with this string and call gemini?

    Scorpio – I hate that idea.

    Virgonic – ok how about calling the boss?

    MadCAPricorn over the loudspeaker – Virgonic will this make me money?

    Virgonic – um… yes.. but the…

    MadCAP – just DO it then.

    Gemini rushes in late and jangling… “Virgonic!! – here’s an article I saved for you I found on the supercluster web forum because you know… you told me you do that thing with drinking straws and I thought the yachts made it obvious….wtf is with the Cancers over there?”

    … turning around slowly – the cancerian droids start casting out guilt vibes from their gigantic goo goo eyes… they say nothing out loud, but somehow it their minds everyone else hears “you will do what I want…”

    All other signs: Nooooooo

    Virgonic (yelling): Aqua- Male kill the cancerian invisi guilt function!

    Saggi – male via walkie talkie (early madonna playing in background) : Yep Virgonic, looks like there’s a wall down letting in zanzibar fluid… don’t worry though… it’ll be fine. Whatevs.

    Virgonic: HOW WILL IT BE FINE??? YOU ..
    Scorpio: Don’t trust him, he’s lying.

    Saggy-Male: Aries is here…

    Gemini: Wait – Virgonic – read this article – you could do your thing with the drinking straws and plug the hole, aries could swim it down there while … we just need….

    Taurus (wiping away crumbs from mouth) : Yep – i’m here. Yep. I can hold up the wall.

    Scorpio – I love that idea.

    Virgonic creates her plug out of saved drinking straws, Taurus holds up the wall and without saying a thing Aries swims it down 200 metres through the zanzibar fluid, holds his breath for 14 minutes and comes up swinging.

  10. Here’s my attemp. Was fun writing it.

    Interpecies Communication Expert Virgo is seen in the background, collating pages as they come out of the printer.

    Captain Aries is pacing with a headset on, talking to Central Command: “I don’t care whose done or not done it. It needs done and were doing it.”

    Virgo hands the printout to Captain Aries, who flips through it, Virgo points out the references and index at back, plus table of contents. Aries flashes an impatient glance at Virgo. “OK!”

    Virgo walks away. Aries throws the report onto his chair, but it misses and lands on the floor. Virgo sees this and her hands flutter together, then she walks out of the room sternly.

    Transmissions Analyst Scorpio buzzes to the Captain about a deep subatomic anomaly in the Qur’net sector.

    Gemini sends a ship wide message over internal communications snarking about how he’s seen what Scorpio does with deep subatomic anomalies at the club.

    Libra and Taurus have been in a 4 hour long meeting about how to keep Aries’ mouth shut when the intergalacting bargaining team shows up for the biennial confab. They think surf and turf dinner with techno music might keep him quiet.

    Cancer worries about how to faciliate their upcoming therapy session with Engineer Aquarius. How to get Aquarius to understand that no matter how brilliant or revolutionary an idea is, it does matter when you say it and how you say.

    Transport Specialist Sag and the Doctor Leo are playing soccer in the docking bay when the away team returns. Dr. Leo manages to kick the ball so it hits the open lever for the outside bay, then bounces over to Sag who heads it into the transport office bay and they both run in just in time to allow the shuttle to dock without the both of them floating out into infinite space.

    Technician Capricorn got up 5 hours before everyone else: checked terrain suits, resupplied tool boxes, and did structural integrity tests on intership transport capsules. Then volunteered for the away shuttle when no one else would.

    Pisces is meditating.

  11. thoughts in a spacecraft

    Aries: Blast off is my favourite part. The might of Man. My triumph over physics, gravity, destiny.

    Taurus: Will we have enough food for the journey and why is there no couch on board? I hope to grow a small vegetable garden on board ship.

    Gemini: How is the internet signal from outer space? Live tweeting this takeoff, while sexting my girlfriend and listening to music and planning my next novel.

    Cancer: I miss my mum. And cat. At least there will be a lot of time to crochet on board. I will make warm snuggly blankets for all of us to remind us of home. Maybe I will find LOVE on board, and you can’t get much more together than stuck on a rocket ship. He looks cute. *makes goo goo eyes @ crewmember*

    Leo: Fuq I cannot WAIT to get back to Earth and be photographed by the press. I think being in space will be a good oportunity to lose weight. But OH GOD, think of my hair when we touch down. The highlights will be grown out.

    Virgo: Has the aricraft been serviced? I want to see the maintenance logs. Oh god there had better be high fiber gluten free options on board, my poor bowels.

    Libra: I don’t mind being in space–I neither prefer it to earth, no do I prefer Earth to space–it’s all a balance–you go, you return, until you takeoff again. I just wish this space suit was more classically designed and could we possibly discover diamonds on a distant planet?

    Scorpio: I have planned this mission with the express purpose of jettisoning my cheating ex scumbag crew member into outer space in a so-called “accident” and before I push him out of the escape hatch I will serenade him with a whispered version of Alanis Morrisette’s “You Oughta Know”. He will. Die. Alone. In Space.

    Saggitarius: Fuck yeah! I’m in space! Living my dream! I hope the planet we land on has water…and cool inhabitants….surfing beaches. What do you mean I can’t smoke my Dreamweed on board? Oh well, have to make do with seducing that hot crewmember over there….always wanted to do it in space.

    Capricorn: Must calculate arrival time, speed, time, more time. What time are we arriving? What speed a re we travelling at? God I love my new space watch. OOOh that crew member is crazy rich—but is he also reliable and hard working? Must investigate carefully before making any moves.

    Aquarius: I really like the sound the rocket makes as it travels. I am so confortable and calm and totally in my element. I think I will send a gushy text message to that woman on Earth, now that I’m 2,000000000 light years away—no, wait, that would be too forward.

    Pisces: Oooh I love the colours of the planets. I wonder what my dreams will be like in space? It’s so hard to mix cocktails in zero gravity…..I really like that crewmember who is married. It’s fate that we’re on the rocket together….

    • ‘You outta know’ is the most Scorp song ever!! I just watched a bunch of girls karaoke it the other night and it was mega-cathartic.

    • “and my highlights will be grown” EXACTLY what I ,as a triple Leo, would be thinking and worrying about until some sort of space bling came along to distract me. Spot on LIIMC

  12. Officer Virgo has been alone on Mars for 11 days, 3 hours, 13 minutes and counting since a horrific sandstorm blew the crew away and brought a lot of dust inside.

    Day 1: Reattaches right arm, cleans station.

    Day 2: Finds Officer Saggi’s music collection. Uses Disco Inferno to fuel the life support system.

    Day 3: Scraps Officer Gemini’s damaged comms system. One sub-routine is tweeting the coordinates of the hottest place to live right now (Venus), while the other re-tweets it.

    Day 4: Finds Orificer Scorp’s porn collection.

    Day 5.

    Day 6.

    Day 7: Runs out of Officer Taurus’ Total Carb Cookie Cubes. Conducts a stocktake of all remaining food items, and draws up a caloric graph charting his eventual demise.

    Day 8: Goes through Officer Libra’s personal items. How she got this much chiffon on a flight where every gram costs as much as an Earth house is beyond him. Striding through the airlock though he can really appreciate how it wafts around his pale calves.

    Day 9: Discovers a stockpile of potato seed stock (and a little black book) in Captain Cap’s personal quarters. Combined with the 10 litres of filtered tears stored in the refec – an experiment Science Officer Aqua came up with (can we harvest tears as a sustainable source of H2O? Officer Kataka kindly watched Forrest Gump on loop and was only mildly dessicated after the first 48 hours) – he just might make it!

    Day 10: Puts Lieutenant Leo’s mirror array to good use focussing the weak Martian sun on the soon-to-be potatoey-goodness. It’s the start of a bright new day.

    Day 11: Finds another one of adorable Sargeant Aries’ motivational post-it notes. Licks the back of his hand – that is what a winner tastes like! Wipes a tear away and mutters ‘You’ve got this’.

  13. Aries
    “I am not going unless you call unless you call me “Honcho of the Red Sector” “.

    “I am not going unless there is German Leather on the Space Command Center and the finest Egyptian Cotton Sheets.

    “I am not going unless all the Operating Systems are compatible with my Necktop”

    “I am not going”

    “I am not going unless the mission is called “Icarus Rebirthed” ”

    “I am not going unless goddess, Ana L Ities, comes too”

    “I am not going unless all contributors are assessed for under “Psychometric Compatabilities” program as approved by “Lawyer-in-Space” consortium.

    “I am not going unless we go thru 3 Black Holes”

    “I am not going. I’ve done it before”

    “I am not going with fuqwits”

    “I am not going. I hate visiting home”

    “I am not going…just yet”

  14. scene 1-galactic space ship kitchen (light flickering) chunky Taurean head eating big sandwich artistically crafted, internal dialog with self, ” wonder what’s for dessert……”

  15. Funny how all the non-Leo’s are taking the piss out if Leo’s with cliched hair comments. We’d be putting the air lock into disarm and walking out with champagne asking which pussies what to come into the great unknown.

  16. Well, virgo is done, here are the rest:

    Aries: The one who used to be some minor officer in some form of galactic space marines. Got thrown out due to a bad attitude to authority. The one who wants to shoot their way out of things. Usually does shoot their way out of things. Deep down just likes to blow sh1t up. Has a name for their weapon.

    Taurus: The one who has to get dragged back on board the shuttle after every shore leave. When things go to crap, the most likely to be the one opining that “we should have stayed on eroticon-9…” etc.

    Gemini: Delivers most of the witty one liners. Somehow seems to have a new love interest in every episode, but its never directly commented on and it somehow never becomes part of the main narrative.

    Cancer: The cook and / or ship morale officer. Seems to have abnormally good upper body physique for someone who spends all their time around food / replicator outlets. Has a keen interest in a wide variety of “antique music” allowing the shows producers to have a retro sound track.

    Leo: Well, someone has to give the orders and look good doing it. Can also do double duty as amazeballs super villain / ess who seems to have miraculous access to outfits and makeup that no one else does. Potentially part of an alien race that seems to have extra bits on their head.

    Libra: That one who always seem to stay right up to the moment of detonation, trying to talk everyone else down from pressing the “boom” button.

    Scorpio: Seems to know things that others don’t. Usually that character that presents as evil, but you just needed to get to know them and their back story about being a slave on some mining world / being grown in a vat and raised Dr. Whatsitsname / addicted to space dust.

    Sagittarius: Always with the enthusiasm? Do we HAVE to explore, like EVERY planet we come across? Mysterious tendency to lose shirt on away team mission.

    Capricorn: If not the ships captain, close enough to take over when the Leo dies. Perfectly happy to mix it with the mercenary crew, but then has an annoying tendency to stick to the moral high ground when common sense and the pisces says “You know…if we just….”. Probably the superior officer that got the aries kicked out of the space marines.

    Aquarius: Space bot / android with slightly malfunctioning programming making it self aware. Fully functioning sexual capability and a diverting array of “adult” sub-routines.

    Pisces: Seems to know an unseemly amount about the shadier sides of the galaxy, yet no-one seems to question their motives. Invaluable when everything goes to crap and the team ends up living on their wits on some outlying, independent asteroid / galactic truck stop. Probably “borrowed” the aquarius at least once out of curiosity.

  17. Leo – Course I heard the siren – someone will sort it out in a minute – really though, have you seen what zero gravity does for my hair?

    • Hilarious – I am Leo rising and there are entire continents I won’t travel to based on what the weather will do to my hair!

  18. i would love to win the lifestime subscription ?
    aka piscis rising who will say “guys, everything is perfect, push the button or not but everything will flow anyways” ? 🙂

  19. Taurus: North Star? Polaris? I don’t care which way is North. I don’t even care which way is Up. I only care which way is DOWN. If there is a Down, that means there’s gravity, and that means a planet I can stomp on and leave a footprint.

  20. Theme: Landing On a New Planet in the Goldilocks Zone

    Aries: “Move out, move out people! The longer we stay like sitting ducks in this craft, we lose the element of surprise.”

    Taurus: “Well, I have organised this automatically inflatable pop-up couch-bed, so no matter what…”

    Gemini: “Out in the field we can communicate with the mothercraft via this liquid crystalline …omg, this reminds me of the time Esnesrine took the liquid acid at Jaya’s party thinking it was panadolonine!”

    Leo: Flicks hair & agrees with Aries, “we definitely need to be out there front & centre!”

    Virgo: “Protocol suggest that we need to be rehearse our strategy being aware …please DON’T touch my manual with those sticky fingers!”

    Libra: “We have an opportunity to show off our race as being intelligent, smart and peaceful – polish up your helmets and gear – the first 3 minutes of any conversation decide our future relations with any beings we meet”

    Scorpio: “I have been in psychic contact with these alien’s guiding forefathers – they have an interest in splicing their DNA with other races, I’d like to volunteer my, uh, services in this event”

    Saggitarius, “Ahh, not to upset anyone but I kinda did some reconnaissance late last night – this is Mawspups’ewe – I think that’s how you say her name – she – or he – DEFINITELYcomes in peace!!”

    Capricorn: dials in to Mothercraft – “We have an alien specimen for the company, report back to clarify if further surveys will be necessary”

    • Cancer: “Mawspups’ewe seems to like the cress leaves, I’ll whip up a delicate soufflé with that and some of that Ur-Kim goat fromage.. Don’t tell me again about that dairy intolerance Virgo, eat or don’t eat”

      Aquarius: “Mawspups’ewe – have you mastered telepathy yet? Because… Argh!! Get out of my head!!”

  21. Hi Mystic!!!
    My Leo Leia Rant goes like this…

    ‘ Look guys are we just gonna stand here like some kind of dead stardust in a cosmic swamp while a bunch of scrap metal takes over the universe’

    ‘Not on my watch!!! Don’t worry I’ll go, but I’m taking the Fire Penetrator with me’

    ‘Harry make sure there is enough Space Fuel to blast me past The Desert Planets. I’ll go when the 4 suns align…they won’t suspect a thing’

    ‘Oh and Harry, if I don’t come back tell Han I love him and I had to do it for the Empire’

  22. Ha! These are great! I’m not so clever, so I will enjoy everyone else’s brilliance and hilarity… : )

    Nice comic relief for the end bit of this Merc retro in Virgo……which all of a sudden is not feeling very good, very wiggy energy, frustrating and unsettling…difficult to relax…

  23. Aries – What do you mean ‘Be careful’ ! I’m going in wimps!
    Sagit – Me too dudes. Lets do this thing!
    Leo – Is anyone filming this?
    Libra – Can I date all three of you at once when we get back to Earth?Oh, I am married but.
    Aquarius – This looks very familiar…
    Gem – I’m bored!
    Cancer – I wanna go home.
    Scorpio – I wanna get laid.
    Pisces – wonder if i will have better love luck with an alien?
    Capricorn – I wanna be your leader. I am an Earthling with great cheekbones.
    taurus- i dont want to be here and I wont be here any longer.
    Virgo – stop bickering. We haven’t even taken off yet. Its gonna be a long ride 🙁

    • “I wonder if I’ll have better love luck with an alien?” Baaahaaaahaaaa totally nailed it for Pisces! (Multi-Pisces here and this seems totally plausible to me)

      • Also Multi-Pisces and I personally have been waiting for my Alien Prince to fall to Earth a la David Bowie for my whole life. Of course Pisces would have better love luck with aliens!

  24. Oh no no Mystic…I am Pisces with Virgo Rising, so my internal dialogue goes like..
    ‘Hey what happens if I push this button?’
    ‘No no! Why did you push that button? don’t you know how BAD that is? Why do you always do that??’
    ‘Oh FFS, stop being so ANAL, I’ll push the fricking button if I feel like it!’
    ‘But what about the repercussions eh? You are so juvenile, you just don’t think before you act!’
    ‘Puleeeze! You sound like my Mother…’

  25. I always thought Alien was one of the best sci fi. The characters are so good. So it was interesting to go hunting for their birth dates.

    Ripley – born January 7, 2092 ( on the Moon — so what star sign will that be )

    Ash – a synthetic humanoid no known birthday, but probably an Aquarius

    Dallas – ship’s captain, born February 27, 2075

    Parker – chief engineer, born February 4, 2080

    Lambert – navigator, born November 7, 2093 male, surgically reassigned female immediately.

    Brett – engineering technician, July 13, 2069

    This scene is straight out of the script, tho it plays a little different in the movie:


    Dallas and Lambert drag Kane onto lift platform.


    Parker comes running up.

    What’s going on.

    Kane got hurt somehow.

    How bad.

    Ash shrugs.
    Brett appears at the top of the companionway.
    Puzzled look on his face.


    Ripley seated alone in the room.
    Dallas appears as a huge image on all screens.
    Lambert behind him.
    Kane pinioned to Dallas.

    (voice over)
    Ripley, are you there.

    Right here.

    (voice over)
    We’re coming up. Open the

    What happened to Kane. I need
    a clear definition.

    (voice over)
    Some kind of organism. It’s
    attached itself to him. Let
    us in.
    (long moment)
    You hear me. Open the lock.

    If we let it in, the ship could
    be infected.

    (voice over)
    Goddamn it. Open the hatch.

    We’ve already broken every rule
    or quarantine. If we bring an
    organism on board, we won’t have
    a single layer of defense left.

    (voice over)
    Open the God damn hatch. We
    have to get him inside.

    I can’t. If you were in my
    position you’d do the same.


    (voice over)
    Ripley, do you hear me.

    (voice over)
    I read you. The answer is negative.

    Ash hits the emergency switch.
    A red light goes on.
    Servo whine.
    Followed by a solid metallic chunk.

    Inner hatch open.


    Ripley staring at the console.
    She can’t believe what she sees.
    Turns to the viewscreens.
    Watches Dallas, Kane and Lambert enter.


    The servo again turns over.
    Another clunk.
    The outer door has closed.
    Red light off.
    The inner door slides open.
    Dallas and Lambert stagger into passageway.
    Carry Kane’s body between them.
    Dallas pulls off his helmet.

    Stay clear.

    Ash and Parker move back.


    Is it alive.

    I don’t know, but don’t touch it.

    Take him to the infirmary.


    Ash and Brett move in carefully to help with the limp burden.


    Kane’s helmet.
    Hands begin to open it with a laser cutter.
    The helmet separates easily.
    The two halves part…
    …The life form slowly pulsing on Kane’s face.
    Dallas hesitates, then puts his hand on the small Creature.
    Tries to pull it free.
    The Alien remains anchored to Kane’s tissue.

    This is straight out of the Alien script,

  26. Crew of Zodiac 12 approaches a mystery planet.

    Virgo “That planet exhibits signs of high level radiation, unstable disintegrating surface structure, a potentially hostile alien signal, and if we do this we could miss the return rendezvous by as much as 5.03 minutes!”

    Aquarius “Are you kidding? Can’t you see the possibilities down there? We could find ANYTHING!”

    Pisces “Well I’m probably going.”

    Capt Aries “We’re going. And we’re going Now.”

    Taurus “We’ve just invested so much in this voyage, this planet, to turn back now… Is that really what you’re suggesting?”

    Gemini (mysteriously disappeared)

    Cancer “Virgo does have a point, but I have a really good feeling about this.”

    Leo “We will be the first team to penetrate Planet Dethfirshor and live to tell the world. The FIRST TEAM.”

    Libra (puts hand on Virgos shoulder) “Mmhm. I think we’re all in agreement. Virgo, is this because of that thing last week? I didn’t mean to…”

    Scorpio (cuts in) “Fuck it. If we’re all going to die in the void of space I want to go out on Dethfirshor, on fire, being devoured by an erotic humanoid terror.”

    Sagittarius (rushes in wearing full gear) “I got the suits and geo-zappers and laser guns ready! Let’s do this thing!”

    Capricorn “We are going Virgo. It’s happening. Accept it. We stay on plan, focus, and we get through it alive.”

    Virgo (long deep audible sigh)

  27. I have nothing yet except the concrete memory of Every Single One of my virgo friends whose faces have all borne the expression of either utter bewilderment at the abject stupidity of humanity who will not make decisions based on a Very Comprehensive But Clear Setting-Out Of The Matters Urgently At Hand Plus Recommendations For Action That Will Not Result In Death Or At Least Not Missing The Bus, and also great relief when other person says, “yes that is the right thing to do let us proceed that way.” etc

    • Yeah, the Virgo’s ongoing efforts to bring sense to their environment is downright Sisyphean. (I’m so glad autocorrect came through on that last word.)

    • I wonder what expression is on my face when my Virgo Ascendant spends hours concocting Very Comprehensive But Clear Plans that my 4 planet stellium in Pisces promptly shrugs off to procrastinate and binge Netflix and later scrambles around doing things at the last minute.

      The problem lies in the fact that my Virgo Rising gets off on planning down to the tiniest detail but my Pisces Sun, Moon, Mercury etc. couldn’t be arsed to put in the effort it would take to put the plan in motion.

      • i hear you kriblack – same sort of struggle at my place, but my virgo stellium (4 planets) is no match for my pisces moon and rising… still she tries 😉

    • Oh Pi. You have seen my face make those contortions. So much WHYYYYYYYYY…?! Hahaha. Sensible Entertainment Virgo in me says–because if there were no Librans/Saggitarians/Scorpis/Leos etc. to UTTERLY F* EVERYTHING UP FOR NO GOOD REASON, then there *would* be no film. There would be no space-adventure, no space-climax, nothing to space-save or fix, and we all know how much a Virgo likes a fixxer-upperer. Space films aren’t meant for Virgos to enjoy. They are there to make us squirm and occasionally yell at the television. They are there for us to “I told you so”. Over and over and over. And over. Space Virgo does need the adventure to make their life interesting, though the best thing about the idea of space for this virgo is the idea of a perfectly sealed vacuum, a sterile environment, a cohesive colour scheme, easily wipeable surfaces. I love the “new start” aspect of space travel, the clean slate of a produced environment with all elements measured and controlled. I’d enjoy it for a couple of perfect, quiet and clean hours… and then I’d get bored. So, let’s invite our Leo friend with suitcases overflowing and glamourpuss outfits and gossip for days… But their clothes end up on the floor, the pristine bathroom environment devolves into a wet hot mess, cluttered with endless half full products too large to take in a carry-on luggage… Let’s invite Saggitarius who wont. f*king. stick. to. the. schedule. Sure we can fly to that moon, but we had PLANNED to go there anyway and can’t we just do it in the order I decided on before lift off and you agreed to? And Libra, let’s bring our Libran boyfriend along for the trip because he’s lovely, handsome, always presentable, tidy, hygenic, packs light (and is great for snuggles) until he needs to spend time alone contemplating things that are neither on the agenda or have anything to do with Virgo or the mission or the giant puddle of Leo chaos I’m trying to mop up. Again, whyyyyyyy?? This Virgo has Aries rising and therefore has absolutely no need for another Aries on board. Absolutely. Because if they are part of the mission, then all control is lost. Not of The mission, but of My mission. Ahh Pi, you hit the nail on the head here. Big hugs xoxo

      • oh hi there 😉
        I appreciate the global astro perspective …a place for everything and … everything in its… oh dear look where we ended up haha


        Everyone knows HAL didn’t want to let Dave back in through the pod bay doors because his boots were covered in meteorite dust.

  28. Aries has to stomp that first boot on Mars even if it upsets the locals, so whatever you do don’t tell them Scorpio astral-traveled there years ago, just a pee break on the way to Andromeda. Cancer baked space cakes in the shape of crescent moons and Taurus accidentally ate the lot during an afternoon binge of Netflix and chill in the shuttle lounge. Leo is loving the effects of zero gravity on their fringe and snaps a hundred sexy space selfies from the same angle. Virgo is left to crunch the numbers on the mainframe after Gemini spent the evening using the destination nargleblaster to remotely access Facebook instead of navigate. Libra intercepted communications from nearby spaceships and invited all species for tea, even the ones making threats, because once they’ve seen the matching drapes and placemats there’ll be no further hostility. Sagittarius stuck a wad of chewing gum in Taurus’s nose while they were sleeping, and thinks the radar blips and Taurean snores together sound like old school drum and bass. Capricorn discovers the most economic way of folding the shuttle toilet paper and writes a policies and procedures manual on the subject. Aquarius decided that since everyone is all about space now, the most avante garde thing to do is to hang out on earth and discover their human ancestral roots.

  29. Me : So this guy I work with, he started picking me up by chance between the bus stop and work. Me on foot, him in forest green Hyundai. In the 2 minute drive to the office we hit it off immediately. He’s a really nice guy.
    Virgo : Ok Cool
    Me : So he seems to finish work at the same time as me so he offered me a ride to the bus stop each day. Which is really helpful.
    Virgo: That’s lucky
    Me : So now he’s started dropping me at bus stops further along because he likes talking to me and I like talking to him too. We have a lot in common.
    Virgo: Ok
    Me: What do you know? The train station he was saying he passed by on the way home happens to be the one the bus takes me to. What are the odds! This cuts down my afternoon commute by about 40 mins. Awesome.
    Virgo : Wow that’s really convenient.
    Me : So we’ve been getting to know each other and he’s a lovely guy. We have a lot in common and even though he’s in a committed relationship, we’re just friends so it’s ok. I told him I read tarot and he wants to have a reading done, so he’s coming to my place. Even though there’s some kind of weird thing between us I think it should be ok if it’s during the day and there’s no wine involved.
    Virgo : Ok. We need to talk….

  30. Aries let me don my ultra space suit and just SET FIRE to this space ship!
    Taurus, (coughs) But we are on it, and so is our food, wine, and beds
    Gemini Its ok we could invent a different way of getting nutrients just a minute, its in a book somewhere -O wow i forgot I had this other books its…
    Virgo Shut up and put those books down they might have germs on them.Lets..
    Leo Right you obviously need a leader round here, someone to really take charge! Do you think this space suit is ruining my hair?
    Libra I just can’t decide! Aliens have a right to live too you know and we are in their space and…they’re quite beautiful in a strange way
    Scorpio, Yes erotic a bit like Geiger rather drawn to them but I suspect this is not their real appearance let me go investigate
    Scorpio no, that’s what they really look like
    Sagittarius Where’s your sense of adventure – common, lets just get in there and DO it
    Aquarius With what? Our psychic powers? Hmm I wonder if a more lateral concept would work
    Capricorn For Gods sake this is costing us money? I’ll just go and put on an Alien suit and take this ray gun with me
    Pisces Sorry, what were you all saying? I’ve just been experimenting with the idea of using anaesthetic gas..Wow far out man those stars are so beautiful

  31. Leo: let’s fly into the sun – wtf – I am the sun! Just look at how hot, shiny and beautiful I am.

    Aqua: what do you mean fly to the sun are we in space – I am space babe this is just the augmented reality of my mind.

    Taurus: nobody is going anywhere I have the controls of this ship

    Virgo: can you three fuqing clean up from lunch already.

  32. Libra: The aliens come bearing disease cures, revolutionary food creation methods, and an end to war. And they’re super cute! Yay aliens!

    Capricorn: This is the best day ever! Or it will be as soon as I figure out how to monetize it. [to Alien Ambassador] Can we talk distribution?

    Alien Ambassador: Let’s discuss this in my office.

    Exit Capricorn and Alien Ambassador. A wet crunching noise emminates from off-stage, followed by a wasp-like buzzing.

    Scorpio: It’s like no one ever heard the phrase “too good to be true”.

    Something that looks like a slightly smaller entity in an ill-fitting Capricorn suit: I totally agree, Scorps. We should talk about this somewhere less public. I’ve learned a terrible secret and only you can help.

    Exit Scorpio and pseudo-Capricorn. Again with the wet crunching noise and buzzing.

    Aquarius: I think I’ll translate some of this alien documentation and get a better understanding of their history and culture before judging. I’ve already identified the symbols for “muscle tenderizer”, “abattoir”, and”condiment”.

    Cancer: This seems new and unusual. Do. Not. Like.

    Something that looks like a slightly smaller entity in an ill-fitting Scorpio suit: That’s understandable, Cancer. I have some plans on avoiding this whole, unpleasant situation. Let me show you.

    Cancer and the entity in the Scorpio suit exit. Yet another round of wet crunchings and buzzings.

    Libra: I’m sure everything will be just fine.

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Mystic Medusa