Ask Mystic: My Libra Brother Is Dating A Qi Vampire

Helena Perez Garcia

Dear Mystic,

I could use some astro advice, if you have any time to spare (ha). Really long story short- my Libra brother is dating a Qi Vamp. A professional Qi Vamp. She is a miserable human. I could write a novel on her crappiness, but I’ll boil it down to: She constantly picks pointless fights with my brother for personal power plays, covers her mouth every time she chews (seems small, but speaks to a larger issue) and worst of all, in their 2 years of being together I have never seen or heard her laugh. Not once. And there’s something in her that feels… sneaky.

In short: she sucks. Her birth date is shrouded in mystery – she is either a Cancer, Leo or Virgo.

My brother is never around anymore. He is quite frank about her emotional instability and his need to keep her balanced- which often means keeping her away from the family and her social anxiety triggers (side note: and ridiculous self deprecating pity-parties). He has expressed the belief that he can help her, and I think he feels (deep in his heart) that this relationship somehow counts as relationship community service. If he helps her during the day- he’s done a good deed. And that’s fine, but like, date someone nice, with a sense of humor and then volunteer in a soup kitchen instead. Right?

They were supposedly going to break up after Christmas (hello diplomatic, he has Moon in Libra as well as the Sun and Aquarius Rising) but here we are in July and nothing has changed. My mother has sent the family decree that I should talk to him. But every time we have talked in the past- he shuts down. Literally you can watch him power down. I want to help, not hurt. This isn’t about me sitting down to lunch and telling him how much I despise her. I just want my brother back. We all do.

What is the best way to help a Libra make a difficult decision re: partnerships? He knows that the relationship isn’t stable, he has expressed a desire to end it- but she seems to have massive control over all of it.

My brother and I are almost (literal) polar opposites. He is 29° Libra, I am 25° Aries. I’m worried that the talk will only drive him further away from the family and into whatever bizarre web she has spun. It’s a small family, and after my dad died a few years ago, we all became even more important to each other. We can’t lose him too.

Thank you so much for your constant awesomeness.

Love,
The Big Sister

Dear Big Sister,

Okay, so i sympathize. Having someone you love seemingly in the grips of a lower-vibe love interest is uniquely stressful.  But a professional Qi Vampire?  This is actually kind of amusing, giving rise to the vision of a college for Qi Vamps on top of a mall in some strange suburb, issuing crap credentials on shitty stationery.  But she is not being paid for this.  OR IS SHE? In units of your brother’s soul and psyche, eroded away bit by bit as he deals with her warped cognitive structure?

So we need to dial this down. The first rule of in-laws and the people our friends/family hook up with is that we don’t care so long as the relationship appears legal, consensual and functional – that our family member or friends is happy with the deal, even if we think the person is beneath them or naff, whatever.   But you’re saying that this is beyond that – that your even keeled Libra brother is actually caught up in something that he knows is dysfunctional but he is apprehensive about breaking off.  That does suck.

One of the methods that certain varieties of people use is to convince the other person that the relationship is normal – that it’s their fault if anything is wrong, that the person would be responsible should anything bad happen to the Qi Vampire and that outside friends and family don’t understand the relationship because it’s special, karmic, doomed or whatever.  Once i knew someone who would not leave someone who routinely attacked them & did things like turning the shower to boiling when she was in it because he had said that he would “go back to drugs” if she did.

My feeling on this is that – as you have already wisely surmised – you don’t go in there and be super direct.  Librans – especially Solar/Lunar Libra – freak the fuq out with direct confrontation. You need to nuance this a bit. Uranus is heading up to oppose his Sun in Libra – this is the ultimate astrology (once in every 84 years only) for individuation and one’s personal coup against crap and oppression.  Jupiter – the Guru God and Grow To Be Great energy – is heading into Libra in September.

All you need to is open the channels of communication without mentioning her unless he does. Just have friendly talks or dinners/coffee/whatever about stuff. And yes think diplomatically.  Without saying a A Word, you’re building up your bond with him, just listening and being cool.  Another point of possible resonance? The way that therapists listen intently but don’t try to direct the thinking. For instance, if he brings her up and makes even a minor complaint, it would be tempting to dive in there with the full rant BUT you could just ask how that is for him?

But in general, just hang out with him more – no pressure, no relationship judgement, a hike here, a coffee there OR if he is away, start Skyping.

There are some sagacious folk on here so what does everyone else think?

 

Image: Helena Perez Garcia

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theesalamandercassiopaeiaPiscosmic fleece Recent comment authors
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theesalamander
theesalamander

A bit of Virgo/Virgo rising/couple of Virgo planets pragmatism here. Covering her mouth when she eats & never smiling? I have no photos of my (Libra!) mother smiling, ever — because she has crooked teeth that she hates. I know several other women who are horribly embarrassed about their teeth, for whatever reason, & they never smile & always make sure to cover their mouths to prevent any exposure. They look prissy & dour at the same time & that’s a lot more off-putting than dental imperfections, but it’s not a personality issue. Not denying that this woman is a… Read more »

Triple Air GemMM Member
Triple Air Gem

What about just a heartfelt, “Hey Bro, I miss you. Can we hang a bit more?”
and see what eventuates?

All the advice above it great. Some of it is bound to work.

And sometimes if I want to heal a fractious relationship with someone I’ll sit and meditate and imagine the situation resolved and light. Sounds a bit woo woo but something in you shifts, they respond differently/open up a dialogue, and it (mostly) resolves quite nicely.

Best of luck to all x

PiMM Member
Pi

I am 100% behind the visualisation-and-communing-with-all-higher-selves and peacemaking as goal-setting for difficult relationships.
I do this a lot. sometimes even a statement.. e.g. “my highest goal for this situation is a peaceful resolution of X.” .

thank you for the reminder TAG x

Jokerman
Jokerman

I reckon getya Aries on, smack him between the eyes, let him know. He is Cardinal after all. Chamberlain or Churchill? Go Churchill. Chamberlain was a squib!

Invicta
Invicta

I really don’t mean any offence In every sentence of your letter I can see clear reasons why this woman would have you specific anxiety rather than social anxiety, although perhaps she legitimately has both. People tend not to lie about that type of thing. I’m guessing that her boyfriend being under pressure from his somewhat bossy & overbearing big sister is quite threatening to her. So you don’t like the way she eats. No wonder you’ve never seen her laugh. They were “supposed” to break up after xmas? Who’s relationship is it anyway? I get that your brother is… Read more »

cassiopaeiaMM Member
cassiopaeia

THANK YOU. Good lord, thank you. Cancer sun, Virgo moon over here. I am introverted (albeit with selective moments of extroversion, but they take their toll), I tend not to laugh around people I don’t know well or don’t trust, and I also cover my mouth when I chew (because I was raised to believe that it is rude as hell not to – maybe I’m just hopelessly blinkered here, but I don’t understand why this is such a tremendous character defect). If my love weren’t the eldest sibling I’d be almost convinced that I was the subject of this… Read more »

Invicta
Invicta

Lady, you don’t need an astrologer…

claaaMM Member
claaa

five planets in libra, no joke. word to his luna wise. relationships are sacred. love is holy. you might be dry heaving at the thought but when you’re in it you are well and truly under. and all that aqua-ness means he is immune to peer/family pressure. lots of breaking it down gleefully to beat of his own electric drumkit. in long, mystic was on the $. build up the you and me support with one-on-one fun time and respect the venus etiquette. in true, loving relationships the number one way we can show our adoration is with support. Xx… Read more »

LiliMM Member
Lili

My Moon is at 29 Libra. Most of my other stuff is too or in Scorp. My humble advice: Mars is still getting to where it was pre-shadow. Pull all your energy out of that woman’s space and your brother’s space, and get to neutral. Your bro can feel the whacks and scorn, and so can she. It is not time yet (if it ever will be) for a full on offensive. See Mystic’s recent cautions re:that. You are strategic Aries- feed your alliance with your brother. Yes- do things together- and I second advice to focus on him. Ignore… Read more »

ChrysalisMM Member
Chrysalis

As a war veteran of many decades’ Relationship Community Service (Pisces sun 7th house conj Saturn, ugh) I can understand how you feel however I would caution you against doing anything whatsoever to interfere no matter how well meaning you are. He will not thank you, in all likelihood you could strengthen their relationship because he will blame you and feel he has to defend her because he chose her. She will love it that you are plugging in and a whole new layer of toxicity will develop. There’s little point in introducing him to others, because until he shifts… Read more »

Ampersand
Ampersand

“Pisces sun 7th house conj Saturn”
Oof. Lol at the war veteran, I am covered with medals. I have Venus conjunct Neptune in Sag (confusing, I call it the Should I Stay or Should I Go? aspect) and Pisces ruling 7th at 0 degrees.

I imagine you have also been just LOVING Neptune in Pisces for the past 40,0000 years (or so it feels) just as much as I have? 😉

I liked your advice.

ChrysalisMM Member
Chrysalis

Hahaha yes Neptune. Only another 40,000 years to go, sigh. It has been quite a trip so far.

Invicta
Invicta

Chrysallis – ditto

Ampersand
Ampersand

Triple Libra here (Sun 22 degrees, Pluto, Uranus). Having a transiting Uranus in Aries opposing my Libra Sun right now, something that your brother will be having in the future, as Mystic says. Lindsey said above, do Qi vampires ever change? Yes I think they can. I have been a vamp and been vamped on. What changed that? Transiting Uranus conjunct natal Chiron in the last couple of years, followed by this tr Uranus opposing Sun. Big wake up call. Huge. I realised I was wrecking my mental health through relationships and had a period of celibacy where I worked… Read more »

cosmic fleece
cosmic fleece

How bout not bringing her up at all in any convos, ever again, unless supporting him. Instead focusing on your bro in ways like ” My God you look terrible, you look liked you’ve aged !! (this seems to work with getting Librans to rebalance back to looking after themselves in the past!-true only tried and tested twice -that way we get our little Aries upfrontedness out the way, and then get to turn on the caring ram) we need to get you some fun/a good belly laugh/spend a day at the art gallery/botanic gardens/your old favourite park/a picnic/ let… Read more »

kriblackMM Member
kriblack

Yes! This approach sounds very supportive of the brother without crapping on his choices. Remind him what good times feel like again and he’ll start to question if his relationship is worth all the struggle.

The Venus FlyMM Member
The Venus Fly

Your brother may have what we call in certain fractions “Captain Save-A-Hoe” complex. It’s the male equivalent of “Hope He’ll Change” Mothering Syndrome certain pockets of the female population indulge in. It’s his choice to live his life as he sees fit. There are so many factors people don’t – or won’t – see about one another. Rather than focusing on HER who appears to be a non-factor in your empathy deservedly or non, speak to him about HIM and how he’s changed. Change starts with the self, and it may plant the seed for self examination of where he’s… Read more »

PiMM Member
Pi

Yes.

Triple Air GemMM Member
Triple Air Gem

“Captain Save-A-Hoe” complex
No laughing matter, but *yelp, v funny 🙂

cynthiaMM Member
cynthia

I identify and sympathise with bf and gf. and sis. In the wider perspective, we get to know ourselves through “the Other” – and which part of ourselves we are getting to know at any one point in time through whomever, may be random or conscious (probably not!) but there it is. And at this point in time it is brother’s situation. and I am peripheral to the action. But – “There but for the Grace of God go I.” Hopefully when that Other has been integrated into making up our own totality, we move on, or we stay, in… Read more »

LiberatingVenusMM Member
LiberatingVenus

There are several different angles you could look at this from. Let me just say first that I have several siblings, and I have – at various points – disagreed with some of their choices in partners. But the way I see it, it’s not really my biz – I don’t have to live with the fuqwits, LOL. And as long as they’re not constantly crying to me about what a jerk their S.O. is, my dislike of their partner is *my* problem. That said, if I felt my siblings’ choice of partner were seriously detrimental or (goddess forbid) even… Read more »

Catcatcat
Catcatcat

Hmmph. As a Scorp/Piscean sort, maybe I’m supposed to be about hidden, behind-the scenes maneuvering, as opposed to the big ‘call out’ convo. But this sounds so off-putting, that maybe an upfront convo is worthwhile? I tend to get along well with Librans. (Or well, I did with one very notable one, as a good friend.) We were both rather bold with each other, in speaking about what was on our minds. But maybe this is sticky enough where you’re scared of poking the spider’s web? My 2 cents, perhaps splitting bold action with wait-and-see openness: wait for something truly,… Read more »

BelleMM Member
Belle

I agree somewhat, I was in a nine year relationship with someone very distructive. friends and family hinted gently but I didn’t listen.. In the end it took 2 friends at work. they said something to me at different times and all of a sudden it clicked and I was able to walk away. I also fell in love with one of them.. A male co-worker. That helped to break the spell too… Maybe that’s what did it in the end. 🙂 But they were both poignant and very matter a fact about my situation and I had a lot… Read more »

PiMM Member
Pi

Yeah when I was dating the Angry Pisces I could really have done with an intervention. But not via my emotionally stunted immediate family alone.

Scorpio_RisingMM Member
Scorpio_Rising

You cannot save your brother he has to see the light and leave on his own accord.
I lost friends to psychic vampires addicted to heroin, and extremely abusive relationships. It’s frustrating but you cannot save those that don’t want to be saved.

Scorpio_RisingMM Member
Scorpio_Rising

I have a Libra friend struggling with recovery and a recent painful divorce that started dating a junkie again. His new gf also lied about her birth date. She claims it’s three times a year. weird stuff like that. I could not take the 3 am panicked paranoid drug fueled calls. I had to put up boundaries and walk away. Tough love sucks, I know. 🙁
Hang in there and hope your brother moves on soon.

Lindsey
Lindsey

I’ve always believed that the ‘Tough Love’ title was coined by someone who was forced to face the ugliness of the own behaviour. I prefer to name it: Return to Sanity.

Scorpio_RisingMM Member
Scorpio_Rising

I prefer yours!
When we find their behaviour is driving you nuts it’s time to pull away.

AlouettaMM Member
Alouetta

As Aries rising I get the need to act on this. But as someone who does tend to push (still! I’m a slow learner) – don’t do it. Pull back, learn to listen. I don’t think there’s any need to be her friend but your brother needs to have his choices accepted as they are. It’s up to him to change. I think Mystic’s approach to this is very sensible. Plus if she is consciously or unconsciously trying to isolate him it’s very important to be there and to be another option for him. Go do the things you enjoy… Read more »

Annica
Annica

As a social anxiety sufferer (and an introvert), the struggle is real. I don’t take meds. I have to protect myself around draining or intense people. Extroverts don’t understand us. Mystic has good advice for Libras. I totes agree as a Libran. What was your brother’s relationship like with his mom and dad? I ask because i learned a lot about my mate choices from that. It is called Imago therapy and there are free worksheets you can do online. Is this the first time he has down-dated? If he has a record of being in relationships that do this,… Read more »

Jokerman
Jokerman

You should try having the Moon in ya 7th and a ‘bucket handle’ @ that.

Annica
Annica

No thanks. I got saturn in the 7th as a bucket handle.

Jokerman
Jokerman

I will raise you a Chart Ruler as well.

Fortunately….or not, my new partner is as Neptunian as me. (Fisces Stellium inc Sun n Mars and Neptune cj her Scorp Asc).

FreogirlMM Member
Freogirl

This could be me – with my libra lover who is still hooked into an ex – a very very needy ex. What to do, what to do? They love to be needed, librans, yes?

Lindsey
Lindsey

Has anyone EVER met a Qi Vampire who changes? I mean, REALLY changes? The benefits to them (all the ‘helpers’ surrounding them, never having to be responsible for anything, always being the centre of attention, etc) are so much more rewarding than living the tough life of being responsible for your own shit. My older sis, a classic, ever so charming (to everyone but me tho’ she never had a good thing to say about any of her ‘friends’) Leo Rising Qi Vamp Energy Sucker Supremo died of cancer clinging to her game playing right up to the end. I… Read more »

virgo rising
virgo rising

What need to be understood is that he is getting something that he needs from the relationship…maybe it makes him feel strong who otherwise might feel weak. Maybe it gives hiim a sense of self worth and value to be of support to another, when perhaps the women in his family are too controlling and dictatorial. Bottom line, NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR SOMEONE ELSE. One is very fortunate if one knows what is best for oneself. Most of us are misguided and misled and do things/have relationships for any number of reasons that are not always in… Read more »

Virgo EllieMM Member
Virgo Ellie

Yes! Double “like” for your comment Virgo Rising!

Porkchop
Porkchop

Yes, it takes two to tango. Reminds me of Pia Mellody’s book on love addiction. In codependent relationships there is often a “love addict” and a “love avoidant”. One wants to be rescued and the other wants to do the rescuing but eventually they feel resentful and want to leave.

kriblackMM Member
kriblack

Excellent advice Mystic. As someone who’s been in the brother’s shoes, I gotta say that for years my family/friends hated my ex and they were totally right. But the lesson to leave is the lesson you gotta learn for yourself. Don’t interfere unless asked. My family and friends may have been right about my ex, and we’ve been done for 4 yrs now, but to this day I still resent all of them for their unasked for advice and their refusal to accept my judgement of my own love life. They may have been judging the guy, but in doing… Read more »

Virgo EllieMM Member
Virgo Ellie

kriblack, great comment. I do believe that each relationship teaches us something. Good and Bad will tell us who “we” need to be. If the relationship lasts then it’s meant to be. If the relationship doesn’t then we take the good from it and use it to our advantage for the next one.

xo!

dizzarinaMM Member
dizzarina

+1

PiMM Member
Pi

this is really clear, thank you

Porkchop
Porkchop

Great comment.

And maybe the brother is approaching his Saturn return and will feel like finally making the change then. Don’t know how old he is.

ScorpintheSky
ScorpintheSky

Yes. Yes. Unfortunately this is all you can do to leave YOUR relationship with your brother intact. The more neutral you can be the clearer he will see his relationship.

cousinribbyMM Member
cousinribby

I totally agree.. and speaking as a Libran, even when I knew my relationships were toxic and people around me were railroading me to get out of them, I couldn’t leave until I was toooootally sure I couldn’t fix things. Things that helped were developing my confidence through stronger relationships with friends and family, and traveling sans partner, which gave me a ‘bigger picture’..
I agree to not force your opinion or try and control his life, just be there for him with an open non-judgemental heart..

cosmic fleece
cosmic fleece

Those relationships also enable us to feel compassionate understanding, free of judgement when those close to us go through similar experiences. They’re inner growing knowing stretches of time. We’re better humans in the long run for having lived through them…Well put kriblack.

Virgo EllieMM Member
Virgo Ellie

Hi… so we know that you don’t like your brothers GF but is she aware of how you feel about her? I would try becoming friends with her so that, like Mystic says, getting to hang out with your brother more would help the transition. It sounds like she is not comfortable with the family for some reason. I wish you knew her sign. I see you noted “virgo” so I thought to myself “yes” I can see her being difficult with regard to being sociable with the family. We introverted Virgos can’t handle more than 4 people at a… Read more »

beth123
beth123

This is obviously a very painful situation for Big Sister. However the last little bit of her tale is a bit of a ‘doorstep reveal’ about their Father dying a few years ago. Could I suggest that maybe her strong feelings about this may be linked to feelings of grief and loss about her Dad and the fear of losing yet another close bonded male? The loss of a parent may also be impacting on Lil Bro’s relationship attitude… sometimes major loss changes our way of functioning in relationships. So I agree with MM, a bit of brother and sister… Read more »

JaneyMM Member
Janey

I love this beth123.

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

“Relationship community service” is a great expression! Your style is so fresh, as it was so in contrast to the careful wording of many of the letters Mystic publishes here. Not apologetic in self-explanation, and rather like the way i think and speak with close confidantes, but try so hard not to in other company. Then i got to the end: you’re an Aries, haha! (me Merc in Aries) No wonder i adore Aries peeps, and they just smile if they meet me in certain company. And, um, you know, you wrote to a Merc in Aries for advice. Perfect!… Read more »

The Venus FlyMM Member
The Venus Fly

Hella – so west coast 🙂

PiMM Member
Pi

Chiron? does he have a habit of dating women he feels he can fix or look after or “love into betterness” somehow? I read a book called “the white knight syndrome” a few years ago , came across it when i started to really ask why TF i was involved with men who literally could not look after some aspect of their crap (anger management, drug abuse, chronic gambling, unaddressed trauma) and I thought being all listen-y and whatever would help them find their feet, nopenopenope this was a very naive stance but i was young / idealistic / pre-therapy… Read more »

PiMM Member
Pi

I guess my point is,
Q – how many librans does it take to change a light bulb?
A – only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

Ali
Ali

Yes, yes, yes!!!!

Ali
Ali

True for everyone though, right?!

PiMM Member
Pi

yes.. i just said libra because libra theme.. x i think the original one is how many social workers…

Jokerman
Jokerman

I thought it was electricians

PiMM Member
Pi

definitely social workers pf : P

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Ah crap, answered below before seeing dear Pi’s eloquent as ever response, and i do second it.

Btw, Pi, “pre-therapy Piscean” is SUCH a poignant expression.

PiMM Member
Pi

thanks mille .. am still in the midst of the therapeh so you know
better perspectives than my slightly impulsive one here i reckon , yours too, the ‘slow down and listen’ is important isn’t it XX

PiMM Member
Pi

sorry i did not mean that what you wrote was impulsive! gawd i’ll stop now :\

PiMM Member
Pi

(P.s. not that unaddressed trauma is ‘crap’, the other behaviours that often accompany that. Of course. As a theme in my relationships it certainly felt crap though. And until i realised that i was not equipped to handle these things, i kept thinking i could ‘fix’ stuff. Life Lesson, you can’t fix it. The lightbulb has to want to change.)

JaneyMM Member
Janey

im sure my in laws could have written this about me.. We don’t get along. I have anxiety and BPD. We just don’t really understand each other. I don’t think I’m a Qi vampire. I struggle with social situations 🙁 … I hope your brother is ok. We really don’t know what happens in other people’s relationships.

Catcatcat
Catcatcat

I think there’s a different being ‘anxious around the edges’ vs. not smiling for 2+ years and being afraid to chew in front of others. Haha. I say this as someone who has anxiety and some depression as well. It’s easy to worry about not being…er, I don’t know…someone’s dream of extroverted friendliness? But there’s enjoying solo time or even needing it from in-laws – vs. being a fight picker and keeping people from their fam.

KAKMM Member
KAK

You never get over an ex until you have a new love – find another girl for him ASAP introduce him to as many fab single girls that you your friends and family can find – show him other options – Libran men love the perfect woman – try to find a bombshell !!

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