So i had an email from a person named “Dave” who was interested in knowing more about his chart and the astrological influences affecting him. “Don’t expect me to subscribe,” he wrote, “i don’t pay for content, the internet should be free.”
Then he said that he would like a “transit reading” but “don’t try to sell me anything, I’m not interested. This should be fairly straight forward.” And – the final irony – Dave was not willing to share his “personal details over the internet.”
Unless Dave was able to send his birth details by carrier pigeon or semaphore them from some distant swamp, i would need to do this hypothetical complimentary chart for him without actual data.
Obviously my first impulse was to ignore Dave and his deranged expectations but then i thought about it and realized he could be onto something. Is there room for a Ten Second Transit guide? This could change everything. Here goes.
THE TEN SECOND TRANSIT GUIDE – Just choose which one of these most resonates with how you feel – VOILA your transit.
* You just skimmed a self-development book whilst in bed doing your Kegels/on the cross trainer and to your intense irritation, knew basically everything in it already. Fuq it. You are having a Mars transit.
* You are at a (sort of) business lunch in your designer kaftan, having expanded both mentally and out of your previous wardrobe recently, because you’re leveraging up, taking a punt and trusting in the universe to provide. You are having a Jupiter transit.
* You feel more compassionate than usual, most of your more important encounters or dialogue take place on the astral plane but you keep losing your house keys or sending cryptic boozy texts to people. You are having a Neptune transit.
* To celebrate paying your tax ahead and having demonstrably (you have the pathology lab paperwork) ridden your gut of parasites, you have a glass of tap water with a flake of Himalayan salt and read some Marcus Aurelius. You are having a Saturn transit.
* The sensual high with which you experience new music, clothes, art, scent and/or a crush is totally worth any mild inconvenience and you will do anything to keep the rush happening. You are having a Venus transit.
* You have a shit list of people who have done you wrong, “what does not kill me makes me stronger” emblazoned on your heart in flame and a burning desire to transmute everything – even the darkness – into pure, raw molten psychological gold. You are having a Pluto transit.
* You have sudden onset extreme intolerance of conventional expectations, forced interactions and people who talk too slowly or are stuck in the past – a.k.a. LAST WEEK. You relish the process of making quick changes on what only seems like impulse to the Muggles. You are having a Uranus transit.
Image: Lou Cameron
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