U Can’t Fake The Funk

Sarah Howell

Merry Mercury Retro. You know it’s happening when Salt N Pepa are the only soundtrack that makes sense.

Now this is more of an administrivia post. Due to the Mercury Retro i have been answering emails from a hipster cafe with exceptionally speedy broadband because mine is down. That alone required hours of on hold time to establish with the i.s.p. But they finally accepted it was their outage and are apparently getting it fixed “within 72 hours.” This is enough to stir psych issues in any Mercury in Aries person, let alone one with Uranus hanging out there. I;e me.

So i have had untold single origin short blacks to justify hogging the hipster cafe bandwidth and – as i am not working on my mothership iMac, have a whole pile of epic posts ready to go that can’t appear yet. Likewise, so way less posting – if any – from me until this issue is resolved. Horoscopes, Oracle, Tarot all continue as normal.

But there seems to be an issue with the Scheduler that i can’t get to till i am back online on the mothership. Some browsers are just not seeing it. The Scheduler is actually a plug-in so my suspicion is that it might be incompatible with the newest version of WordPress. But i won’t be able to get this to straight away. So thank you for your patience with that & I will update you – probably via the Daily Mystic email – re this. The Scheduler is great as you should be able to check dates up to a year ahead to check what’s what – Retrogrades etc – BUT as it was not built by my dev guys it has always been tricky from time to time.

So i am going to continue Virgo-ing out on my coffee – it is a single origin from Panama called Debut Du Siecle – The Start Of A New Era – SO appropriate. And guess what? That Grand Cardinal Cross from mid-April on DID start a new era…We just can’t totally DO IT yet because of all the retrogrades. But it’s begun alright.


Image: Sarah Howell – Saatchi Art

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88 thoughts on “U Can’t Fake The Funk

  1. Virgo, yes i made my bed for the first time in 2 years this week.
    retrobats, yes, all month, when is it over. i went to cour, was called, the caller disappeared, the receptionist disappeared, i couldnt find WHICH court room, it wasnt written on my summons, and i didnt want to barge in on someone’s hearing, so i went back to the reception desk (still no receptionist) m the caller returned, he told me it had been adjourned as i was not present (!!) , we are talking all of 2 minutes, i made him take me to court room and see if it could be re adjourned (somewhere in there was “am i a cow, no, so you address me directly” wte) , got my hearing, only to have the judge say, oh, i thought you had a medical appointment and x has been resolved , so we’ll adjourn for a check in by b…. no, i cancelled my doctors to make this…. i checked my emails when home, no correspondence responding to my request for a rescheduling…e t c . and repeat. this month has been like this. fureaking let’s NOT bother trying till its over and all will be fine in any case. note to self, do not schedule any major surgery. now, just WHEN does this retro go forward again, ill pink circle it in my diary, till then, you’ll find me on the couch!!!

  2. Merc Retro Resolutions:

    WAIT before you SEND

    Sleep on it

    don’t work directly in the message medium (e.g. draft emails in a word doc, for example), don’t put in the SMS recipient until you have written the text

    check all recipients

    keep expectations realistic

    when in doubt, don’t.

  3. MM: “So i am going to continue Virgo-ing out on my coffee – it is a single origin from Panama called Debut Du Siecle – The Start Of A New Era – SO appropriate. And guess what? That Grand Cardinal Cross from mid-April on DID start a new era…We just can’t totally DO IT yet because of all the retrogrades. But it’s begun alright.”

    Someone made me a promise right when this thing was exact

      • She isnt talking to me now – l see her nearly every day and we avoid each other, well she avoids me and l reciprocate – but she wont look me in the eye because when we do look into each others eyes something happens – so she wont look at me.
        l asked her out the day the cross was exact and she said yes – but then it all went downhill and we didnt go out and now we dont speak.
        The way l saw it the universe was witnessing bigtime my approach to her and l felt good about that

  4. Communication in retro examples: My partner gets a text message telling me I am “not required” at work ever again unless someone gets sick. Seriously, gutless effort. Reason, some guy is apparently” multi skilled”, and the contract job he was meant to go to fell through, so they trash me to put him in. I drive a dump truck, this guy can only operate a dozer, never been on a dumpy. The company I am contracted to, are outraged and disgusted. The boss of the company is away attending a family funeral, doesn’t need this shit. Two things; my direct employer has dangerously crap machinery that breaks down, inevitably the replacement guy is a safety hazard.( How could he know to turn the wipers off you have to pull the fuse out, and the truck is drinking oil like an alcoholic at happy hour) Pleasant surprise the contract company employees all back me and angry phone calls are made. The blokes were all genuinely as shocked as me. They do not have patience for people that are not good operators, and the replacement guy doesn’t cut it. Massive blowback my employer did not expect.
    Then I get on to laptop, and my emails won’t send. 3 hours of microsoft shitbull later, nothing. Eureka, I fix it by updating everything including my outfit of the day. Velvet makes everything better.
    Moral of the story…. even though what happened to me is bad, I have the dignity of knowing my workmates respect me, count me as a good operator, and are as disgusted as me. Plus I fixed the emails.

  5. Oh hell, I guess I did get a Merc Rx zap. Wednesday I completed two days of training for my usual temp job. We were supposed to start work the next day.

    Announcement at the end of the day: Oh oops the IT department is having trouble resetting our passwords. We cannot start work until they fix the problem. Go home, no work thursday or friday, come back to work monday unless we email you and tell you it’s still not fixed yet. That is like 16 hours of work and almost $200 that won’t be on my next paycheck.

    Do not expect me, a computer guy, to believe you when you say that it is going to take 2 days to manually reset 20 passwords. I could setup a brand new ID server in one morning. Our IT people are idiots.

    • you could tell them to send their IT staff home for 2 days too, then offer your services for a fee in excess of the $200 you would lose. ALSO potentially saving them IT staff salary dpending on employment terms. helleww free market

  6. Just got my electricity bill for my new place, sent to my old place, and addressed to my landlord but billing my account…. I got my landlord’s electricity bill (who has never lived in this flat) addressed to my new address and being billed to my account…and I’m being billed for two telephone lines even though I cancelled my old one a while ago. Last mercury retrograde – and this is a real worry – SPOTIFY – a web music streaming service which I have NEVER subscribed to, started billing my account as if I were a subscriber. I have no idea how they got my account details. Bank won’t reimburse me for whatever the fuq reason suits them….and of-course SPOTIFY did not respond to my emails. Really not enjoying mercury fuquery as it seems to be automatically linked to my bank account.

    • this is unbefuquingleivable! but after writing the above, i checked bank account and have been charged twice by insurance company – a rather hefty amount – and this after a long talk to them yesterday to straighten out another blunder they committed before….dear god, give me strength…

  7. Virgo rising, Mercury & Moon in Aries, in the mist of a Uranus opposition and transit Uranus opposite moon. Im feeling the impending retrograde effects already…and under the gun to complete online registrations and processing (of a very complex nature) during Virgo moon.

  8. Sent a text to wifey today… Organizing kids stuff blah blah , then ended it with a loving message with xxxx’s and ooooo’s
    Trouble is I sent it to one of my male clients who I recently had a run in with !!!
    Oops ..

    • That’s a funny mercury trickster story… did you get an encouraging response? my mercury moment relates to a missing key at work. I’m new there and just working on a sessional basis. Someone said they gave me the key and must be the last one to have it. Trouble is, I can’t recall having, or being given the key (which doesn’t mean it wasn’t given to me, I just can’t remember it). The key is somewhere…it will turn up…of course I’m hoping not in one of my coat pockets! But what a mercurial thing memory is…

    • HAHAHAHA oh dear sorry to hear that – maybe you need to save your wife’s phone no. with a prefix so that it is NOT near any clients names / acquaintance / etc

  9. Hear hear Pi,support both topics you bring up,As I often feel strongly compelled by dramatic personal experiences to comment on libran males,being under the spell of a “charming” Libran for years in parallel with multiple friends and their “amazing” Libran partners,we all are now in the catagory of “free” (read luckly escaped with our sanity)! Surely the entire population of them don’t fit these extremes,but the incrediblely similar characteristics opened our eyes enough to send us running. …….

  10. Hey, MM, you are such a trooper…TY! Uranus on Merc–whoohoo! Taking it all to the next level 🙂

  11. My sympathies, Mystic, from a fellow Merc in Aries who has been offline for 6 weeks bar two hours, and after mammoth Piscean grace lost it at several levels of customer “help”. Heheh i’m online now. Good luck, and enjoy the single origin xx

    • I keep telling people, Mercury rules communication, so with Merc Rx, it’s not your computer hardware, it’s your telecommuncations that go awry. So your internet can go down, but your hardware is not at risk. Well, I suppose your data is communications of a sort. You should be doing backups anyway.

  12. mystic this is irrelevant to your current tech SNAFUBARbut i wish you would stop pinging Venus love issues in the scopes. I mean comeonnnn I’m pretty sure we’re all either married on this blog or pathetically single (*checks phone, yep still pathetically single*) or maybe, fuq romance. For the 2.7 persons reading this who are actually achieving some sort of romantic fulfilment between those phases, i’m like totally happy for you. But for the rest of us, venus is just a hallucination made from jellybeans and cacao balls and baby animals and flowers, oh and unicorns. the tiny doses of love/hope meted out in the scopes are like Love Methadone, just enough of the dose to not quit entirely. I for one QUIT VENUS ENTIRELY THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.

    • ThereThere *stroking Pi’s hair*…I always wondered how good Tony’s shiz really was and that shall be my thought of the day.

    • Whoa dude: what happened? Or, what didn’t happen?

      I’ve worked hard to be happily, successfully single. Complete & satisfied regardless of my being romantically coupled with another or not. I say worked because we are constantly bombarded with societal messages that we are less than without a lover/partner, not to mention the direct interference from well-meaning friends & family who worry that we are indeed suffering without our “other half.” It’s been a job cutting through the cultural, gender-specific b.s., & getting so good with me that I know that romantic love is rarely a need, merely a want.

      You know what I need? Money! Haha I do feel envious at times of those women who have a good partner & are not solely shouldered with the full-on responsibility of raising the kids, taking care of the house & administrative duties, & being the $$ provider, by themselves. I need cash, I don’t *need* romantic love. If I had enough money, I could just buy some love when I was in the mood for it, right? *joke* 🙂

      • True. Venus is it’s purest form translates to “Resources”. That’s it.

        I get that right now. Romance can go hang. Love means putting bread on the table and knowing you can get up in the morning and do that lovebread thing again.

      • Btw my AC is totally fried & the whole thing needs replaced! Not my ascendant, but my air conditioner. Oh money, where art thou when I need thee??

          • Yes I do need ac. Not today luckily, temps are mild at present, but these Great Lakes summers are no joke when they get going… Everything in the house– carpets, woodwork, etc– gets damp without some dry, cool air circulating. Eww.

            • Plus I can’t sleep at night when the air’s heavy with water & i’m drenched in sweat. I know: first world problems. :/

            • no no i do indeed understand the humiditeh sitch, lived in subtropix once upon a time x

      • there’s no event that has triggered my grizzling as such. i certainly don’t buy into the “oughta” mindset… my Aquarian family are the last people on Earth to even consider trying to push some ‘should’ into the equation… thank goodness 😉
        anyone can buy sex but we can’t buy intimacy.
        and in my case it is perpetually tied up with chiron so love is permanently f*cked, basically. plus other stuff BLA BLA bLA WHINGE gripe etc move on nothing to see here move along now

        • Soz for preaching to the choir, Pi. Meant to testify 😉 You know you’re not pathetic for your single status. Nothing pathetic about that. Where is your Chiron? Mine’s Aries,1st house, & it squares my rx Saturn, 5th house.

            • How’s this for a shite arrangement, Scorp, Inc.?

              Upcoming alignments: all hitting my natals. I have a potent T-square with Venus 3rd H (conjunct Mars) squaring Saturn in Pisces 10th H (wide inconjunct with Chiron, transiting Chiron + Neptune), hard squaring Jupiter in Taurus 12th H, and Neptune in Scorpio 6th H (with transiting Saturn/Sun).

              UNCLE, already! Sheesh!

            • Kee-ripes, TripleL! I had to sit down: that gave me the spins.

              Stay strong, comrade 😀 Let’s do this. x

            • I know, right? Scary beyond all reasoning. Have been engaged in some major soul overhaul, trying to trust The Divine, you know, “Let go, let God” and such. So hard, tho. Been squeezed through a colossal, spiritual sphincter … this Libran lady did not come out too clean on the other side. Still better than living in Neverland with a cheating, narcissistic horse’s ass. Ready to hit the bottom of the f–king rabbit hole – then there’s nowhere else to go but UP!

              Grateful for your kind words, astro sista! Peace. xo

          • no need for soz, i geddit..

            chiron for me is also in Aries, 10th house. Conjunct Venus and south node, square Moon, sextile/trine Asc /Desc. So, a mix of aspects with personal planets and uber personal chart angles…

            saturn in 5th that’s gotta be complex…

      • Yes, yes and yes! X1000000. Agree totes. And very well put Scorpy!

        To me money is more important than some so called Prince Charming. Show me the money!

        I’ve had a ltr with a music creative who basically sucked me dry for 5 years meanwhile getting all moody that I didn’t love and lust after him enough. I was basically supporting him financially.

        Another ltr with a very rich successful former boss who wined and dined me, paid for trips, and lent me money when I was down and out… He was married but we still have a bond and care about each other. And he gets me, laughs at my jokes, is highly intelligent.

        So now I’m very careful to do a cost benefit analysis before getting into any relationship. Taurus moon, mercury and mars in second house! Practical about love. Meanwhile once I get my work situ sorted, I can bring a lover into the equation, who I don’t actually need to supply me with anything except love, respect, sex, conversation and fun. Lol. And he won’t get a cent of my money, or be moving into my castle of awesome! No sirree! ;P

          • oops, left out the Cap Asc.
            “love alone is not going to bring food to the table” 🙂

            That’s not to say I wouldn’t like a partner but they have to be financially stable

        • Ahaha Gemyogi– testify! 😛

          My first husband, a Cap, use to shower me with gifts– every time he fucked up. It took me a couple of years to get that (I was so young), but eventually I spotted the pattern, and eventually every gift became flashpoint! The more expensive the gift, the bigger the offense. Clockwork, Cap.

          Then there were a couple of live-in ltr’s, both Gem– one male & one female– Gem twin energy 😉 — & both were hard-working & dedicated to their careers, but both were also very financially strapped (healthcare workers in the non-profit sector). I didn’t care one iota! We pooled our resources together & did the best we could, just tried to have fun meanwhile… We were a family. In it together 🙂

          Not that I wish to romanticize poverty: No. Living was lighter then, e.g. we didn’t have kids or student loans out of default or health issues… Saturn wasn’t in Scorpio then… So, it was a different time. But still, the $ stuff didn’t deter me from setting up house with those two incredible souls, & it wouldn’t deter me today, either.

          But here’s what is different now: I’m A Lot more discerning about who I let into my life that way these days. I lucked (?) out with the Gems, but in subsequent years I got burned good financially a couple of times (one broke Low Cap, & one cashed-up Psycho-Scary Scorp). No more! Over the years ive learned that when I’m in, I’m in, $ and All, so I’m real picky these days about who I let in the door. 😉

    • True. I just translate in my head when I read them.

      Venus = friends, fun, fab, laughter, pretty day, good book, good hair, kindness, successful baking project, watercolor day, someone sent you $$ day, ask for more $$ and you might get it day, get a new client day, get a hug from your kid day, no worries with the local parking police day, flirt with your dentist day, like yourself day…

      Venus is so much more than dates and dudes/dudettes. With the millions of ways we can experience joy, compassion, and love, why strap on the blinders and limit our outlook to 3 kinds of pleasure?

      I’ve always enjoyed this site because, for whatever reason, it’s attracted people who know about diversity in all its manifestations. Despite the ‘scopes perhaps simplistic emphasis on “good prospects” regular smarty commenters here make plain the complex realities of longing and loneliness — and yes, happy coupling, too. That’s a great balancing point.

      It’s Hard Times out there for folks. People getting’ panicky. People thinking it’ll get better, much better if they can only find the Big Love. And we know that’s a Mad Men trick that only leads to the next dissatisfaction. Big Love with Another does happen, but long term it’s never really the picture/package you first imagine it to be.

      Yes, MM, please, we know you try and we know you can’t say *everything* in 50 or fewer words, but do remind us that Love is bigger than the date/mate world.

    • right it’s decided, i need to get over this like right now. no one ever looks hot while making sadface over some guy.

      • For me the ‘scopes are about possibilities…not a guarantee of things to come, or a picture of ‘how things are’ (how could they be?) but really sound guidance for fielding various (often conflicting) potentials…

    • hahahahaha. you even threw in unicorns ))
      you can come around to my place but right now its a construction zone morphing into a black hole

    • Hey Pi I found the ‘rottenecard’ site and I posted up this remedy to singledom –

      ‘Im not single I’m ** add adjective here e.g gloriously, divinely** independently owened and operated

  13. god, I WISH my productivity could increase proportionally to the amount of caffeine I consume. but it doesn’t. After more than two I start to behave like Tony Montana in losing the plot his office before the bloody finale.

  14. Ah Mystic your site is so fab. I’m sorry you’re having tech issues but the site is still totally awesome and rad. Worry not! The tarot is off the charts amazing and fellow subscribers supportive and lovely as ever. I think we can cope!
    Just saying hey. Woke up from 13 hours of deepest slumber so still shrugging that off.

  15. How annoying for you Mystic! … nothing worse than tech irritations even if we know full well that they are Merc retro induced. It still bugs no end. I have backed up all my data like a fiend and am dotting i’s and crossing t’s elsewhere. Otherwise it’s Saturn girl all month.

    Umm for youse lot … I have been getting some interest from a couple of Libran fellas recently. No offense to Librans on this blog who are all lovely and amazing … but quite frankly I find the male version of so-called Libran charm offputting and slimy. Like cut it out dudes and just be yourselves!! Other than the offensive charm stuff both guys seem pretty nice. Is there any way to reframe the purpose of Libran charm so that I can tolerate it a bit better and not find it so lip curlingly creepy?

    • @ prowlncrab – I’ve just crunched some vital numbers i.e an ex was a Virgo not a Libran. So I totally feel you on the Virgo (ex flatmate) shit storm.
      I can’t even bring myself to buy Libra brand feminine hygiene products. Virgo seems a better brand name fit. Gemini brand pain relief for when your PMT is sending you off your tits aka Linda Blair in The Exorcist style.
      My Libran experience is at a distance. Pale, red haired, creative and quietly spoken (may have been stoned most of the time). He would cook roast dinners for his girlfriend but was living each day of the mid 90’s like it was Woodstock. He was a whole lotta ginger and his fav song “Whole Lotta Love”.

      *I do apologise for offending anyone here with talk of Led Zep, children of the red flame and feminine hygiene products comments. 🙂

    • I am a female Libra and even I find the libra dudes a bit sleaze charmy. No offence…

      They need lots of luuurrrv which is sweet until you realise that they are in some cases trying to get that in any place they can.

    • I’ve been married to a Libra over two decades. He’s Libra sun and rising. Double whammy. I still think that he’s the most awsome man I’ve ever met. However, when I first met him, I thought that he was a total wanker. I realised later that he was trying hard to impress me. I still see him do the ingratiating routine, when he wants to impress someone or when he’s nervous upon meeting certain people. It’s annoying because he really doesn’t have to, as when he’s relaxed with someone, he’s the most hilarious and unique person I know and most people just love him. I think that a lot of Librans don’t realise that they already have a natural charm and that when they TRY to be charming to impress someone, they actually come across as sleazy or wankers. I don’t know what kind of rapport you have with these guys, but I just tell my libra to cut out the crap and relax, and he usually does. Good luck.

    • i am no help but i wanted to sympathise on the glassy-eyed libra charm offensive, which to me can verge on [what feels a lot like to me] manipulative and exasperating, like a stage show I have no choice but to participate in if I want to get along with Libra. It’s a bit like Dark Sun Leos, “play my game or you’re worthless to me”. except libras are “play nice or else” sort of thing. oh whatever. im tired and confused. going to get a glass of wine.

      • then again once i get to know the libras they are great. once i have the Thing mapped out . ah sorry these are only girlfriends. men, i don’t even know any libran men. not one. that i can think of. [is that a good thing? sell yourselves, LibraMen!]

    • Maybe cos they’re my opposite (and my rising) I often find Libran men really attractive, and so do other women. Had a few Libran guy friends who used to attract so many girls…And they have plenty of female friends.
      They often dress well, smell good, look good (Helloooo Clive Owen) And like anonymous above, they can be funny and witty, with a light touch. Never actually been in a ltr with one though.

      I am generally attracted to air sign men though, or men with heaps of air in their chart.

      • that is true. you’ll never see a slovenly Libra. actually I lie. I know (knew) two. friends during university era. Zero Enemies.

      • I think that the reason that a lot of women like Libra men is that they can sense that these guys genuinely LIKE women, beyond wanting to bed them. And they particularly admire strong and interesting women – and instead of being intimidated by them like a lot of other guys, they will search them out. It’s a pitty that some of them come across as sleazoid in their attempt to woo such femmes. Maybe they are insecure and feel they have to try harder – when they shouldn’t really have to.

        • librans aim to please. more than most other signs (well maybe except for pisceans with anxiety issues ahem) they like to be liked. why piss people off for the sake of some selfish motive when everyone can be happy instead with a bit of effort.. perhaps?

    • Well, I have venus in Libra so don’t have a problem with Libran men at all. 🙂

      It’s Leo and Cancer men that are “lip curlingly creepy” . LOL Not creepy exactly, just ewwww

  16. No worries!

    I was a bit of a Merc RX sceptic until 3hours re-syncing my phone at a public library last year – now a believer

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