Astro-Gaga: Saturn Dating Goggles

Filed in Astro Gaga

Kai Z Feng Harpers Bazaar China

Over the online dating scene, Vanadium Lightyear vowed to date only in person, with available earth-bound human beings only.Β  Once she had screened for sanity and genuine singleness, her software pulled up one option within her radius.

The pentagrams on her wrist boosted her confidence and were obviously fabulous fashion Feng Shui it was the special Saturn Dating Goggles she’d gotten from Neptunian Life Coaching services that really gave V the edge.

Her date, an experimental Piscean, was not yet convinced.



Image: Kai Z Feng – Harper’s Bazaar China.

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99 thoughts on “Astro-Gaga: Saturn Dating Goggles

  1. Dear Vanadium: You may want to recalibrate your software so as to disregard selections that bat for the other team to increase your success.

  2. Saturn has been fab for my career, and completely wiped out my dating scene. No goggles needed!

    • me too. Amazing how focussed i’ve been without stupid men and dating to get in the way.

      • Same! Saturn has desiccated my love life. Career is the involuntary arena for hard work and sacrifice ( I guess that’s better than hard work love scenarios…sort of, right?) When is this going to be over? I can’t remember seeing daylight or a hunky spunk since the new year!!!

        • So I have taurus sun and scorp ascendant. saturn sitting in the 7th house and opposing my sun … eek gads. I havent seen a hunky spunk for ages either. A small preview would be awesome. From what i have been told … maybe this summer, or next year. 😐

  3. Vanadium’s laser goggles enabled her to not only screen potential mates, but also practice lucrative psychic -powered laser dentistry.
    She zapped the Piscean’s infected back molars into nano particles, and mused about the next patient, a Virile Virgoan of fashion

    • saturn, always good to polish up the career / income stream… Why Not Dentistry πŸ˜‰
      Pi x

  4. Airbrushing only adds to unrealistic expectations. Nothing beats the tactile world of the here and now. Can see why she is over the online dating option.

    The back ground reminds me of that cinematic classic Rear Window.

  5. The only thing that’s been fuqing me lately has been Saturn. I feel old, tired and irrelevant, as though the best I can hope for is a prize for runner-up for Best Sandcastle in the over-35s category, held on a gravel beach.

    • fuqn hilar Pi . Sorry shouldn’t laugh so loud. You didn’t hear that right? i’m on the FNC so we’re cool ok?

    • I know I know. I should get over it. I have been trying to repeat on my own what Jupiter was doing for me when he transited over my sun and MC, which was permanently ON Bliss: nothing was bad, everything was wonderful, and if you weren’t sure, you just had to make it so by wiping off the cruddy thoughts with a mental sponge. a DECISION to be happy. yes it is that easy. it’s THAT EASY!! aaagh just do it then Pi

      • Its that mark when you know you are making a distinct break from the 20s doll. It feels weird cause you’ve never been this old but it doesn’t mean you are old nor worthless sexually nor less valuable, only if you rate yourself like a magazine. Real men know what a real woman is. It’s not as common but who wants common anyway. Hugs chook. We still have value.

        • thanks Ms.
          I think it’s coming from my study as well. surrounded by Youth. (which is wonderful, everyone is divine and interesting, friendly, real humans.) i am acutely aware of their gilded youth status and ideas that are different from mine and oh so much other stuff,
          But I have less time than them, but hey more life experience/insight I guess, and I realised that my practice has been really slack (ideas: excellent. making: sub-par). Cue Saturn 5th house Get Real Pi Art Analysis. Honestly does saturn vacuum up your ego at the same time? Is that it? Self Esteem Closed Indefinitely For Cleaning?

          Campus life is odd, after nearly three years I still can’t work out now much of it is me and how much is the institution. I think my darkest fear re this is that it is Me, and everything that’s shit for me is totally my doing (lol my problem if not my doing) and I STILL need to keep on trying to put myself out there more, differently, try even more new people, ride out the insecurities _again/still_ omg *slumps with fatigue* honestly it’s like moving to a new city. Why can’t I just relax about this whole thing? It’s actually FUN for gods sake
          sorry, writing as therapy here, thats all

          • right, changing my name. Pi Closed for Maintenance until saturn gets into (lol) 6th house

            • thanks gemyogi, YOU are awesome.
              there’s other family stuff hanging around, low income, and living circumstances that are weighing on me which is probably, if i think about it, the root of all this. aargh! xxxx thanks for your lovely gemyoginess xx

        • Sorry – Ms, your reply was really kind. I don’t think I made that clear.
          As with you, Leo Socialite.
          thank you ladies. Appreciate the boost. Very much X

    • join da club!

      but i do have to say after addressing some health concerns, some of the somatic changes I’ve been going through were caused by dietary sensitivities not addressed until now. Stuff i just accepted as “this must be old age”, shrugged it off as wow this sucks… is not old age just yet. Must have had low level allergies suck out my life blood for a couple of decades or more. After making some changes, lips no longer dry and peeling in desperate need of moisture all the time. I just thought that was caused by old age so i didn’t question it. nope allergies. eyes that are dry and needing eye drops all the time. eye doctor said you just have genetically shitty eyes and this will get worse when you age. I accepted chronically dry eyes as normal. nope not normal…low level allergy. trying to correct skin now. Even after being in my 40’s still struggling with acne. i hope to kick this one before the wrinkles start setting in.

    • oh the loly lols! :-)…bet that gravel-castle has a huge moat, no bridge and a pit of despair garden feature. August might be month for renovations?

      • pit of despair garden feature! oh yes πŸ˜€
        renovations… august you think? why not.. sun will be in leo after all.

        • Mucho Amor Pi…yeah August- why not? Mystic Medusa please, please address this zap zone zippetty doohdah Saturnian relationship desiccation, We have suffered. We have let go. We have worked. We have de-cluttered. We have de-toxed. We have vanquished. We have survived. NEXT???!!!

  6. Actually i think the point with Saturn Dating Goggles is that they make you NOT date as such. I have not felt “carefree” about my dating like since Saturn over my Libra Ascendent. But are the relationships in my life much more quality? Hell yes.

    Pi i have been there too but there is a sandy hot beach just around the corner.

    • you mean there is more of this schizz? ugh. It’s been non-stop depressing since saturn ran over my venus, then proceeded to pound my libra stellium, then to irritate my moon. you mean in the near future, i get to look forward to it assaulting my asc? *great* i am surrounded by retards who are all like, just have fun with it. Dating is supposed to be a fun casual thing, wheee! You are so lucky not to have any responsibilities like kids or a husband. yeah lady. so fun. I eat dinner on friday and sat nights and most major holidays by myself isolated. For some holidays, i spend time with vile blood relatives i don’t get along with. Sounds like a rockin’ time to me! I want to hit these so-called friends with rocks. But maybe one will get her comeuppance when Saturn will run over her saggo moon, asc, and venus all at once. I get tired of her forever married ass giving me dating platitudes that are almost 2 decades ago since she’s been off the market so long that she’s a dinosaur. i shouldn’t smirk about this but it makes me angry that no one close to me irl really understands my situation so im forced to bitch anon. gawds i really should shut up about now.

      but thank you LS that is something to look forward to, more quality relationships if i ever get one again.

      • I have repeatedly experienced the same thing, and not just from married friends, but just about everyone! It’s so infuriating! If I hear ‘just have fun with it’ one more time I’m gonna punch someone in the face! These people would not take their own advice if they were in that situation, either. That’s part of what infuriates me.

        I am having Saturn transit my 5th right now as well. Ironically, I’ve had more ‘action’ this year than in the past five years. It’s been really intense, though, and instructive. I think maybe I’m having these experiences so I can learn something on a deeper level about how relationships work. I mean, it’s definitely been ‘fun’ too, but not without some fallout and sort of ‘consequences’. It has not felt frivolous at all.. Saturn is about manifesting things, too, so maybe that’s why I’ve been able to manifest some guys in my life with which to learn Saturn’s lessons. As of right now, though, I’ve put all ‘dating’ on hold because I just can’t handle my emotions around it.

        Anyway, I just wanted to say you’re not alone in your experience!

        • dating might be “fun” if you’re in your 20’s, 30’s even but it’s just NOT as you get older because you get wiser and there’s more at stake.

          And love is not “frivolous”.

          Good to have a break from it all flowerchild.

          • i think some of the “fun” of dating in your 20’s and early 30’s is from the novelty and personal ignorance. The first time you have “real sex” with someone and you realized how you both have caused almost irreversible energy pattern changes in each other is the moment you realize you are handling the equivalent of nuclear power that came with no instruction manual. That in the wrong hands becomes a bomb. still the ignorant ones running around smashing genitals together like it means something. Every once in awhile i see ignorant on in denial ones that are my age, and i just shake my head.

            • I never found dating to be ‘fun’ in my 20s or 30s, either.
              I’ve always been a bit serious about it, Venus in Capricorn and all that….

              I feel about the same now about it internally as I did then, it’s just that the external dating atmosphere is different now.
              I actually feel like there is LESS at stake than there was then, because when younger there was still the question about marriage and kids and now that’s off the table. I don’t want kids and I don’t care about marriage.

              I do want to find someone to love, though, and who wants to fully love me…..and that might now be damn near impossible, and not because of age, but because of this inane dating environment that now exists that we have all been talking about over various threads on here recently.

              I’m annoyed because I voluntarily and purposefully didn’t date anyone for the last five years because I didn’t feel ‘ready’, and now that I go back to it in the last few months, I find out it’s a shitshow and just after a few months of trying I feel like I have to retreat again…

        • ikr! they don’t know how aged the strategy of “just have fun” is. Fun started going out of style in the 80’s with AIDS and gasping its last breath in the 90’s with “safer sex”, condoms as banana covers and eyewear fashion. Nowadays you have all these jaded pre-teens bragging they give their boyfriends anal and oral to keep their “virginity”. On the inside, they are already jaded hags because the culture of porn is so prevalent that if you’ve not had a 3 way gangbang by the time you are 16 you are just behind the times prude. thanks. i’ll pass. I’d rather be an uncool dinosaur.

          but yes the ones that suddenly find themselves having to swim the same waters due to divorce or other bullshit can’t stomach their own advice. I’ve actually had a friend apologize to me about this very thing. She’d bern out of the game for 10 yrs and lost her edge. She was all like, it’s so different now! yeah no shit sherlock. What worked before will not work now.

          I’ve already had saturn in my 5th..wrote about it below. It was a complicated time but there was no shortage of partners compared to now. still that can be a different kind of loneliness.


      • HELLOOO, just because ppl are married, it doesn’t mean they are happy, despite FB lies… and their bragging…

        soz, just keeping it real!

        • so true. that’s why i stay away from Fakebook, It’s a major source if depression for many people because people only brag about their lives on there, you know never complain, never explain sort of crap. other people look around and only see how wonderful other people’s lives must be and are very hard on themselves. I don’t have a personal Facebook because i don’t want to see how “wonderful” the lives of my enemies seem to look online. I don’t even peek.

          i also feel disheartened because people i was really close to before they got married and even before they had kids, don’t understand me anymore. They just see my life as luxurious. It is in the sense i can spend things on me but there is less money to spend because i dont split the rent with a room mate and spend all major holidays alone or family i cant stand, but even the marrieds do that.

  7. lol

    I’ve gone the next step and not dating anyone until my chi/income/awesome is rocking to a place where I am happy to share it intimately. Saturn 5th vision #nogoggles

    • Hi. So I made a booking for you in the Saturn In 5th Boarding House. Single beds only, and they squeak by the way. The rehearsal rooms and workshops are on the lower floors. Curfew = midnight. Extensive library, and the bathrooms are well equipped. Gym is available. No Visitors.

      • Boarding house or hell? That sounds like nun prison Pi. Why don’t you come to my saturn 5th pad instead? Daily ted talks about creative solutions and lateral problem solving skills. Physical training and working on your performance skills. All the trainers double as long term goal specialists. Outfits double as chic weaponry. Dating can only be achieved if its mastery of fun and social betterment.

        • nun prison! πŸ˜†
          if those trainers have some top notch life coaching skills i can totally get on board.

            • I was actually envisaging more of a peaceful cloister with an Arts focus and watchful eye over mis-dating moments…rather than a penitentiary, just in case we have had a misunderstanding here πŸ™‚

      • no locks on any doors! Smoking detectors in every room. All food, devoid of pleasures like garlic. onion, and chocolate!

      • That sounds lovely if there is a hot tub… and remedial masseurs… I’m there!!

    • oh god, i think i’ve just figured it out. i cannot complain about saturn in 5th. I have too much creative learning / work to do, and only 13 or so degrees of my 5th house left for Saturn & Me to work on it.. this is saturn’s mission here. this is not about romance. Right. Quit fuqing around Pi.
      Thanks Ms for inadvertently providing the breakthrough

      • You are always so hard on yourself. Saturn virgo natal is a life sentence guilt trip if you let it. You have 13 degrees and the rest of your life to get this right. Our saturn refines to a point and that is a lifetime of work. Make something lasting your really want and let go, that is pisces speciality. The hotness as we age comes from self worth of achievements (whatever they are) over youth beauty. Just build something you love, that’s all

        (having a massive hippie day as you can see..)

        • you have no idea how awesome Scorpios are when they unleash their inner hippie.

          I just don’t know anyone who I can have these specific kinds of conversations with IRL, other than people in this MM community. I just get a “you’re an idiot why are you worrying” look (aquarian relatives), or ‘there there’ from people who are not wrestling with 5th house mania.

          omg!! 5th House Wrestle Mania!!
          Like Celebrity Death Match, except it’s planets and sun signs fighting it out.

          bearhugs for you Ms.

          • lol, oh no. I know babe. Scorps just wanna have fun can be the hard part in a social network πŸ˜‰

            IRL no one will believe I need help, ever. Which is fucking annoying. I need advice? magic cloud of dust or terrible stream of consciousness garb about them posing as ‘me’. I’m not sure I actually exist infact, I’m better off asking an internet generated advice dispenser like the oracle.

            So I learned to trust myself. Which is what you should do right now. Don’t over explain it. Such a waste of comms. If your problem can’t be explained in short word count its not worth it.

            Just know that saturn is badly placed for stress, worry and fear in our virgo natal and don’t feed the damn thing. This goes for me too.

            • ok yes to everything. But, just so you know I am a saturn in Leo lassie. A smidge earlier than you. But never fear. Whatever virgo may be absent in my chart, capricorn moon steps in to do a fine replacement as inner critic πŸ™‚ xx

            • This is the thing with scorpios. They are so fuqing tough, and I don’t mean this sarcastically, that when they need help, I have learnt I need to register this to go into ‘help friend mode’ rather than the usual carefully-non-invasive line of convo that i might run with a scorp.

              Yes. ok. steely self-trust. phew. can I do that? yes. less looking at the map, more driving with one arm resting out the window. eep

          • and thank you. big changes are happening to us all right now. saturn goggles to train saturn vision

          • Born under Saturn rx 5th house Kataka. Yes to building from the ground up– once the foundation is layed block by block in the ground, that is! Heavy lifting: use your legs, not your back πŸ˜‰

            • block by block is right! I think I should set a schedule, only check in with Saturn progress when I come up for air every 6 months. In between times, head down working and no stress puppy antics. Next check-in: Early Dec 2014

      • if it makes you feel better, when saturn last went through my 5th house, i was still getting laid…still many dating opps. But things were complicated…so therefore many dating OOPs! :3. Saturn didn’t throttle any opportunities per se. I was almost wishing for less but better quality opps.

  8. Very clever mm… Full kudos! You’re right in the money!

    You always are the most clever with words, you must have some superb Gemini in your chart!

    Much appreciated rap up from the dating schmating schmoozle x

  9. I also like that Vanadium Lightyear is using her saturn venus transit practising posing as a praying mantis before her pluto transit kicks in

    • they’re having praying mantis sex in the picture. When she climaxes, he gets his head ripped right off.

  10. I met a talented, good-looking, home-grown guy irl at an Art Fest over the weekend. What first caught my attention was this gorgeously detailed painting he’d done full of hidden faces, moons, pentacles… and as I was engrossed in the painting, finding all the hidden goodies, he said, “Here: look at this,” & he flips the painting upside down & omg there was a whole different picture with new hidden goodies! I totally squeed, like he just pulled a rabbit out of his hat haha

    So I had a million questions then & a flood of convo between us ensued. He has big brown Kataka eyes that did not waver from mine as we spoke. Hands very rough from the sculpture & latex shiz he does for indie movie special effects. He was like, “I live here: where do you live?” And I was all like, “Wow: I live here too.” Another rabbit from another hat!

    It was late in the evening, & he told me he would be at the fest the following day. I said maybe I would be back, then *wink*. But gem bestie & I were out waaay past my bedtime that night & the next day I was too tired to get off the couch. I figured it’s a dark moon, mercury is rx, Saturn’s still sitting on my Sun-Venus, Mars is still meh in my 7th– Rest, woman. So I did. For two days LOL (Fuq I can’t stay out & be functional the next day like I could 20 yrs ago.)

    So it’s cool: I look forward to running into this guy again, cuz I’m sure I will. I don’t know his astro deets or his last name or anything, but it’s a peculiar place where we live & the vibe here is alive like a hot wire– major Neptunian Venusian Uranian sparky kismet all over the place. Even the wildlife are coming out in plain view during the daytime. The energy is manifesting *poof* like rabbits!

      • πŸ™‚ poof–

        It’s been intense at times! Like yesterday when a bolt of lightning hit the ground just beyond the window we were looking thru at the moment– it sounded like a laser & I felt *felt* it in my chest! Holy shiz I felt it in my chest like a bazillion bits of light, & by the time my hand made it to my chest & a gasping sound came out of my mouth the bolt was already gone, it happened so fast. I couldnt see anything but white & I reached over & found my son’s arm & was like, “omg are you ok?!” & he said, “I think so!” God bless I have never experienced such a thing before…

        Weirdly, the house did not lose power when this happened; instead, three (3) fuses were blown– one fuse in each of the 3 fuse boxes in the house. The xbox got scrambled (gasp!) but I was able to reset it & get it working again. Wifi router: fried beyond hope πŸ™ –but all other appliances/tv/pc etc, Fine! Just wacky, intense, real Uranian mercury rx buzz stuff busting out all over =OxO=

          • Right? It’s so fuqing surreal bats! Today I’m staying in & doing the dark moon tidy protocol. Going to smudge, too. Just need to process & regroup. Still so much static electricity in the air! Wow.

            • Yes. i am about to bleed today and have shut the curtains on a moody sun like day to go into bats nest hermit mode and belt out the bio of a century, if only I wasn’t so pms hehe. Channelling electricity

            • with your current weather patterns and current astro it’s shame we are not mad scientists . It would be rather useful if we were erecting new monster men

              • Love that, Ms! We’ll wear foil hats & rubberboots. It’s aliiiive

        • wow!!!!
          take care out there. More artists with yummy eyes. Less lightning bolts outside house. (it did sound kind of crazy though.) Uranus/Mars take a detour via your house?

          • You know my place is a psychic magnet! Probably I can skip the smudging on second thought: think Ma Nature cleared the place for me already πŸ™‚ Yes, more gooey-eyed artists, please!

          • Psy energy magnet. Wonder how much of that is Saturn rolling thru my 8th tho, like making that kind of typically unseen 8th house energy real in the physical world. But with Neptune on my AC-Jupiter & Uranus trans my 1st, hells if I kno really. One day at a time lol

  11. Can these also be Venus in Gem glasses? Dating a disabled man with a working memory of about a half-hour means he has lost his virginity 37x in the last week and a half and is blissfully happy… whereas I am (dare I say it?) starting to get bored. Goggles to bring back the zing, the virgoan dj skills, the sparkling convos about anomalies on Titan, etc? Like google glass without the lame factor.

      • Definitely! To be written by a creative, beautifully grounded genius enduring a killer 5th house transit whilst recovering from a crucifix shanking in a nun-run halfway house of silence. The fantasy is more cinematic than the reality.
        PS a million loves dear Pi xxxxx

        • the writing of the thing could be even more dramatic!
          I’m not sure if it’s ok to ask and if you don’t care to answer that is obviously ok, but i was wondering Did they ever work out what happened to him? to cause all this?

          • Oh yeah, the truth finally came out. Ketamine overdose. The only question is whether or not it was intentional. We’ll probably never know. πŸ™

    • Sweetie…. do NOT COMMIT YOURSELF TO THIS MAN because you want to save him…

      Not your responsibility darling! XX

  12. I think I will stick with my current frames, the Joo Janta 200 Super-Chromatic Peril Sensitive Sunglasses.