Retro Mars Was More Of A Factor Than She Thought

Filed in Astro Gaga

Vogue Italia Woman Two Men

She’d totally prepared for this as only a Extreme Minimalist Pisces in the Age of Aquarius could.

First, she’d Feng Shuied her vagina. The results had surpassed her expectations. She felt only a noble geniality toward her Scorpio Ex-husband. . Gone were the presumably cervix-eroding hormones of hate.

From now on, Gwyneth would be her Muse in terms of relationship. Hearts were not broken – they were  macrobiotically retooled, holistically evolved.

Next, she had emancipated herself from handbag slavery –  no way were Freud’s theories about handbags symbolizing the vagina going to scramble her Qi.   She gazed with bemusement at the square, boxy studded handbag of the woman across the room. Terrifying. And clearly she probably had NO idea that sage was a powerful magical substance. She probably sprinkled it on fish or something. Ah muggles, she sighed inwardly.

Then she had taken an Alchemy Bath – Epsom Salts, a candle burning, incense and water – all of the elements covered.

Her fingernails were obsidian, finely ground down by a fitter and welder she had consciously coupled with a few moons ago, and added to normal nail varnish, for extra protection.  Plus she had tipped a bucket of peroxide and Evian over her head: Hydrogen peroxide has healing properties and she liked to glow gently in the dark.

But Theodora had over looked one vital factor:  Mars Retrograde. Not only were men erratic and sometimes suffering from performance issues, they were sluggish and prone to falling asleep on the job.

Next time, she vowed, still irritated by the black boxy studded vagina across the room, she would make them sign a performance contract. And she would wait until Mars was in Scorpio.  I mean, holy Hecate, it was not like her theory about the owl dream was dull at all.

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37 thoughts on “Retro Mars Was More Of A Factor Than She Thought

  1. I can hear Hitchcock saying,
    Time to feng shui the Birkin, Tippie

  2. Lucid dreaming prose. Damn, MM, you’re on a roll.

    I got a new handbag this week- does this mean I also got a new vagina? Because I *kind of* think I did, but thought the acts were separate. . . .

    Maybe the Patriarchy has its moments.

  3. I don’t do “handbags,” per se, but sorta recently traded the worn-out Hmong beaded thing for a Saturn-approved Swiss military medic bag. Owning the healing powers of my Chiron-mars-Venus conjunction, yo. 😉

    • Also, my nails are “gunmetal” and finely ground down too, my latest crush is a Loki-drawing crab clone named Orpheus (seriously!!) who’s in two of my classes and appearing everywhere, though married so there’s no going there beyond ye old fantasy which is honestly enough at the mo as it’s too much synchro weirdness. I really need to see my hairdresser- lighter, dammit!- and smoke my yoni, though Scorpio rising ex-hubby is now placified and serene about the uncoupling…

    • One could get a crush with just that name alone! It’s hot.
      I could totally see you with an Orpheus.

      One of my all time fav film series was Alien and the other Aliens movies. In number 4, when Sigourney was an alien /human hybrid, she was immensely strong and fast, and she had nails like that because of her alien blood.

      Speaking of aliens, the model above is like a hybrid of the blue girl from Xmen and Brigitte Neilsen

      • There’s been no more meaningful name for me for the last 2 years. I’m sure I crapped on endlessly about this, but seriously, the myth that got me through the crab’s coma was Orpheus and Eurydice. I went to the underworld and brought him back, I did, and I must have told myself 50x, “self, Orpheus, don’t look back “. It was my mantra. Listening even more obsessively than usual to Hadestown. Then, like 12 hours after I returned home after spending the Christmas month sitting by the crab’s bedside, in a total daze, I started my first class of the semester, and saw him in the first row looking exactly, exactly, exactly like my crab whom I had just left. Same hair, same glasses, same demeanor, same energy. Totally freaked me out. Then later that week when he showed up in my teensy women-only seminar and I found out his name… It’s all too weird. There’s definitely some sort of soul connection. But he’s married, so I’m NOT going there, I’m just not. He’s physically unavailable, I’m emotionally unavailable, it works to keep it energetic. I think mainly he is a marker on the path, you know?

        Alien blood nails- I’m off and running with that! Thanks, v!!! :)

    • I don’t do handbags either. But I do love strong and totally utilitarian army bags – I used to have the Swiss army medico number – but have now found a Finnish army ammunition bag. It has a good size main compartment which seems to be a bottomless pit as it holds anything I put in it. BUT the best thing is that it has a very sneaky section which is covered by a flap in which there are small compartments for make-up, purse, passport, pens etc. All hidden away. It is fab. Bought 3 and dyed them all different colours.
      If bags are synonyms for vaginas then this bag would make a fine vag.

      • Nice! Did you happen to buy it online? The lack of sneaky pockets is a drawback to mine, and plus I’m Finnish. But google doesn’t seem to know what a Finnish ammo bag is. :(

        • No, I didn’t get it online – i bought 3 of them in a military surplus store in London a few years ago. They looked a bit daggy at first sight, but after I dyed them they looked great. Also, they have a few straps which are supposed to be for carrying it around the waist, but I cut them off. Anyway, I found a link which might possibly show you the bag, although here it calls it the Finnish Bread Bag

          So, I’m not sure whether it is the same bag inside with the sneaky pockets – though it does look like it from the outside. Good luck.

    • for years I carried a military pouch for a handbag. does that make us courtesan healers? 😉

  4. Ha! Yes, similarly, governments don’t become corrupt & fall apart, they just organically devolve! Everything is natural! Even toxic chemicals are part of the fabric of nature. Let’s celebrate that.

  5. \
    ~Gwyneth would be her own muse in terms of relationship…~

    Yes, because she has Aries in the 1st house along with trans Uranus opposite her natal Libran Uranus, 7th

    Time to individuate.

    It all became such a bore you see…one can only glow in the dark for so fuqin long..

    Gwennie, as massage therapist who works in the dark (and 12hse, I read what you said about vitamin D…)

    Glowing in the dark is just well, not good enough is it darling…I feel your pain..x

    • Mystic you are hilar jeenie yourself…You get the lesson/ point across…Peeps…are you listening?

  6. Men. I’ve forgotten what they are. Can someone remind me? Also can someone make me dinner? I’m too busy.

    Totally by accident struck up conversations today with gorgeous, interesting women new in town. I wish my accidental pickup skills were this good with the male of the species instead of imploding every time.

    • I hear you!! Too busy – dinner the other night was a packet of Smiths plain crisps (my fave) and a carrot. Of course there’s always time for a cup of tea and chocolate. :)

      I read an article somewhere about a dating survey and Sydney was at the bottom of the list of cities where men were least likely to ask a women out.

      • my fave chips too!

        wow that’s depressing. it’s probably a function of the phase of life I was in and my living circumstances, i’ve always had much more luck (well, activity, maybe, not luck) when I have not been living in that city. it’s also on my pluto/IC line in the astrocartography thing so maybe shitty juju for lovethings.

        (random side note, a really uber strong Neptune point for me is in northern scandinavia – I figure when neptune transits my sun in about 10 years, I am going to head to that place and really find/lose myself, experience all 1024 dimensions or similar :)

        • I’ve had heaps of “activity” in this city but that was when i had a full time job and I was out partying all the time. I really don’t feel like picking up in a bar anymore, can’t drink as much anymore either. But more importantly – I don’t have time anymore. You know how it is..

          northern scandinavia… too cold! Scorps prefer desert climes. Sounds good for you though :)

  7. so have been having a really hard time as of late, not just zapzone but dificulties of coming out of this ‘gentle’ depression (id prefer it to be hard so i can crash, fall, but get UP – this is like living through the motions – and magic is LIFE i want it back!) daily pressure of struggle i have to fight, but i keep on pushing through. toro bf disapeared, again, and im feeling like the ultimate dumbo…tho maybe thats to do with retro mars? no replying to messeges, cold wall etc. anyyyway was oracle told i need to rest and hydrate….got the relaxing binaural beats for a good nights sleep…and it freaked me the fuq OUT! dont know how to explain but i felt scared, uncomfortable…like i could have carried on listening, and it sounded ‘nice’ (if thats the right word) but i could not handle!!!!! painful emotions :/???!!
    confused xxx

  8. on another note, smoked my vagina the other day and my period came right after (2 days early)…doing the obsidian stone thing…im going to throw it in the THAMES! muahaha :) take THAT past fuqers!

    horoscope says i need to simplify my mind and minimalise everything…i have been feeling this of late…went to the charity with 2 big bags to donate. and to sage smudge and face relationships. ok…bring it….
    i need a power soundtrack!

    p.s i <3 this site/blog

  9. on Planet Androgyna the brains of men are considered an exquisite delicacy during the Earth Mars Rx, when they are easily seduced. Captavia had been patiently anticipating the Libran Mars Rx for a number of seasons, as she was particular about presentation.

  10. Struggling. Time is running out and there’s just never ending amounts of notes to make revision to do. Not coping well at all. Self loathing for letting the EX drag me down, waste precious time that could have been spent studying and going out having fun! And the worst part: how did I become this mess? Failure like never before :( i am climbing mount everest with no physical energy, no feelings left in my heart and a fried brain.

    Mars in libra 1st house natally.

  11. Oh… interestingly . . i’m continually changing handbags, and have only just into them big time the last year…

    i impulse bought 4 last week as retail therapy when my front garden ruined by a well meaning french traveller (yes, oh metaphor) …

    ohhh hang on. . . maybe there is something to this bag-ina theory . .

    “She felt only a noble geniality toward her Scorpio Ex-husband. Gone were the presumably cervix-eroding hormones of hate.” TOTALLY, on all counts and thank fk! for that, psychopathic hate and loathing is so depleting . . flicks hair, picks up leopard print studded handbag, exits . . Next!

    • I guess the ceiling falling out of my money maker (not what ur thinking) was mercury in retrograde, and my remedy being to go by a neon pink swing chair is my taurean sun and moon, as too is cooking couscous with poached eggs for the virgo malamute….looked at the dating websites, loadsa ‘why hello’s but note to self slamming doors on the romantic movies question might indicate not ready yet. (and no i dont like them, at. all. ever. ) cosy in the taurus glow, maybe it bring me some happiness, bought time, idly wondering what handbag i should buy in order to manifest this . . fluffy, furry, red, clutch, uhm help me out here . .