If I Were Lindsay Lohan’s Astrologer…

Lindsay Lohan Lovers List

If I were Lindsay Lohan’s astrologer, i would not be insanely thrilled to see her list of “36 Celebrity Lovers” all over the media.

Nor, obviously, would her publicist be happy unless they hook up only to do Space Dust with “spray and pray” as their operational media mantra. You never know.

So anyway, if I were Lindsay Lohan’s astrologer, i would be all about how YES, having Jupiter on your Cancerian Sun is exuberance and projecting yourself out into the world.  And that the LAST time Jupiter was on her Sun was August 2013 and the interview with Oprah, that went a long way to rehabbing her image.  It was HAUTE JUPITER – sitting down with a self-made Aquarian television tycoon to do therapeutic talk in front of an audience of millions and set personal development intentions.

So next time Jupiter comes around across that Sun – now – could have been more of that. I would also say to L.L that GUESS WHAT – it is nearly Saturn Return and that right now, Saturn is on her Midheaven. The message to her fans, to the industry and the people backing her talents should be something along the lines of Clean-Motivated-Ready-To-Work.

As for making lists of celebrity lovers that mysteriously just make it in to the media – this is not your unconventional Aquarius Rising at work – it is a name-droppy Venus + Mercury in Leo. Sort this schizz out before Jupiter gets into Leo mid-year.

What do you guys think?   And holy Aphrodite, how many MARRIED guys (the blanked out ones) are there on that list?  I would also like to add that if a male pulled this schizz, there would be hell unleashed upon him.

0 0 vote
Article Rating
Share this:
Explore other posts tagged with:
, ,

You might be interested in

Access Horoscopes, Insta-Tarot, Oracle & more

Join the thousands of happy Mega Mystic members, who are enjoying Mystic’s unique, modern and empowering take on the ancient art of horoscopes & all things Astrology. With an all-access membership

guest
87 Comments
Newest
Oldest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
mick
mick
March 16, 2014 12:17 pm

nasty little crab

Lo
Lo
March 16, 2014 6:37 am

I dont understand why everyone is so interested in her, stating she is making her comeback ( how many times now?) She’s clean! her intentions are beautiful! Oprah! She’s acting again! She is an ADDICT no sugar coating – and unfortunately, addicts really only make the change for the better when they decide to do so themselves. When she makes this choice, who knows. I have known too many addicts in my life, and sadly that is just the way it goes. As for this “list” … she is just beyond vapid. really. I guess this is her version of… Read more »

PlutonicUranian
PlutonicUranian
March 15, 2014 1:37 am

Wow, LL is the new “Kevin Bacon” of a sort.

12th house virgo
12th house virgo
March 15, 2014 1:52 am

lol!

Blue Moon
Blue Moon
March 15, 2014 8:57 am

Mwahahahahahahaha
Totally!

Nightrose
Nightrose
March 14, 2014 5:33 pm
Andro
Andro
March 14, 2014 8:29 pm
Reply to  Nightrose

My ‘fave’ is the one who suicided by nailgun. ‘Cos that’s likely..

Nightrose
Nightrose
March 15, 2014 1:54 pm
Reply to  Andro

Have you noticed the dates of these suicides all happened in the span of a month or so? O_O

Nightrose
Nightrose
March 14, 2014 3:43 pm

This is like the junk food oasis in the middle of Zap Zone war zone.

Too trashy to be real food but oh, so tempted to join in. But I won’t. I will save the indulgent mental calories for an uber Neptunian movie or a piece of innuendo laden convo with someone of opp sex 😛

Andromeda
Andromeda
March 14, 2014 4:06 pm
Reply to  Nightrose
Nightrose
Nightrose
March 14, 2014 4:30 pm
Reply to  Andromeda

Omgwtfhellwazthat Andro?! LOL Bwahahaha my eyes… My ears….

Fuqin mental friction like lightning having porno sex with sandpaper and 300 knives. Holy Fuq! Lol!!

Andromeda
Andromeda
March 14, 2014 5:52 pm
Reply to  Nightrose

Isn’t mental? They are reaaaallly good cellists imo.

Nightrose
Nightrose
March 15, 2014 1:52 pm
Reply to  Andromeda

That was insane! 😀 And I’m not sure if it comes through in text but I meant insanity in an uber Uranian cool way :)))

leogroover
leogroover
March 15, 2014 12:19 pm
Reply to  Andromeda

Wow thanks NR from the inane LL comes something worthwhile.

Nightrose
Nightrose
March 14, 2014 4:32 pm
Reply to  Mystic

I get ya MM, we all need some Zap Zone oasis here and there. Some of the ZZ coverage can just get so, well, dry.
This post was decidedly different. I won’t partake but my brain cells are still enjoying it. Vicariously at least 😉

12th house virgo
12th house virgo
March 16, 2014 1:21 am
Reply to  Mystic

Pakistan couldn’t pull that off.

12th house virgo
12th house virgo
March 16, 2014 1:22 am

And you provide an oasis, not a vacuous oasis, but a refreshing, rejuvenating, informing oasis.

Xx
Xx
March 14, 2014 1:37 pm

Maybe it’s her version of a chaos inventory?

Veronica
Veronica
March 14, 2014 2:37 pm
Reply to  Xx

🙂

sweetpea
sweetpea
March 15, 2014 7:54 pm
Reply to  Xx

haha

12th house virgo
12th house virgo
March 14, 2014 9:21 am

I can’t stand slut shaming. Its hard to talk about a woman’s sex life without inviting the spit to fly. I think its sad when any gender displays such low self-esteem. And that’s what this list is to me – finding worth in yourself through the opinion of others. That’s quite the merry-go-round and all of us get stuck on it just most (gratefully) not so hopelessly and dangerously so.

12th house virgo
12th house virgo
March 14, 2014 9:39 am
Reply to  Mystic

Oh, I know. I am weary from reading one too many Jezebel comment streams (sigh) did not mean to sound like a pointed finger.

pi
pi
March 14, 2014 4:12 pm

Oh god I got so sick of jezebels constant social-media-crisis men-suck angle. I mean I liked jezebel but eventually it was just impossible to skim their site without stumbling over yet another rage-trap. Many of the comments were cool though. What ultimately made me unsubscribe was a piece that was very one-eyed about a certain group of women, and didn’t even touch on some key women’s-welfare aspects of the issue.

12th house virgo
12th house virgo
March 16, 2014 1:18 am
Reply to  pi

Yes! The comments get really nasty and personal against women, which is supposed to be what Jezebel is against. The one that got me irritated was them constantly ragging on fit Mom and commentors dissecting her body, so gross!

Andromeda
Andromeda
March 14, 2014 10:07 am

Yeah, I didn’t think of it as ‘slut-shaming’, I could care less who LL sleeps with. More thinking that her judgements generally are askew. Probably the astro.

Sincerely think she could have been amazing, an iconic actress..

I like to imagine the Lindsey that coulda been..
The Lindsey I see would be sober, well read, with her gorgeous natural red hair and freckles, doing plays in NY, supporting good causes with Cancerian passion. Maybe next life..

The Leo Socialite
The Leo Socialite
March 14, 2014 9:01 am

Something else suss – her longest relationship was with a girl – Samantha Ronson yet all of her one nighters (alleged) are with boys? It does not compute. She is delusional and back on the toot me thnks

12th house virgo
12th house virgo
March 14, 2014 9:20 am

I suspect she thinks she’s interesting based on having interesting men (power) interested in her. She doesn’t see women as powerful beyond that. Certainly, she doesn’t seem to see herself as powerful beyond her sex appeal. I though Ando’s comment about being 5 years too late for her was really poignant.

The Leo Socialite
The Leo Socialite
March 14, 2014 8:59 am

Lol what’s the bet right now Joaquin Phoenix’s and Justin Timberlakes publicists are saying “NO NO NO it would be undignified to put out a press release saying you never had sex with Lindsay Lohan – stay quiet – let me handle this.”

Buckle (Aries, Pisces Asc, Gem Moon)
Buckle (Aries, Pisces Asc, Gem Moon)
March 14, 2014 11:38 am

Yes, instead, they’re looking to leak a list of women they have NEVER slept with 😉

And we’ll believe that one too!

FMH
FMH
March 14, 2014 7:50 am

If it’s all true, of course. Pseudologica fantastica, anyone?

Buckle (Aries, Pisces Asc, Gem Moon)
Buckle (Aries, Pisces Asc, Gem Moon)
March 14, 2014 11:37 am
Reply to  FMH

I know! That’s what I was thinking.

Electric Eel Libran
Electric Eel Libran
March 14, 2014 5:54 am

is that her actual handwriting sample above in the photo???
The crowding of letters indicates someone who can’t stand to be alone. and the all caps indicate someone who is attempting to hide their true selves from the public. How sad.

Andromeda
Andromeda
March 14, 2014 5:56 pm

Do you know much about graphology? Can you recommend any books? Though it’s a bit of a dying art in this day and age I guess… 🙂

Emg
Emg
March 14, 2014 3:13 am

If I were LL astrologer…
I’d ask for her little black book of numbers!

Andromeda
Andromeda
March 14, 2014 5:59 pm
Reply to  Emg

Ah Emg, you’ll be coming round to my virtual floating bubble bar on the ocean to share yr stories, no? PIABS float ‘n’ gloat story-fest with daquiris.

Emg
Emg
March 15, 2014 12:40 am
Reply to  Andromeda

Oh boy would I ! Perfect material for me. Simply play time. Tee hee
And me a big cancer too!!! wicked wicked girls we are.

Andromeda
Andromeda
March 15, 2014 7:27 pm
Reply to  Emg

🙂

LeoEscapeArist
LeoEscapeArist
March 14, 2014 2:36 am

Hey, LL, Mars is retro…where’s the intell??? Who turns a night into a week? With whom can the dust fly and still go multiple rounds? Who travels with accessories? Who did the “I’m done” whip-the-sheets-off-the-bed statement? I mean, c’mon…anyone can make a list. Even your Leo Merc is disappointed.

whoopdeedoo
whoopdeedoo
March 14, 2014 12:39 am

Let’s take another angle on this. Is this list a chronological listing? Married men, hm? And at what age? And for what reason? And consensus? Perhaps, maybe. Perhaps, NOT AT ALL if you’re but a ‘tween. Given the history of LL’s lack of suitable parental support, methinks she was served up to the sharks like a little veal cutlet while Ma held the plate and looked away. This list coming out now may be a bad move, professionally, but it’s the product of a lifetime spent in a cannibalistic industry. One wonders is this is yet another strange cry for… Read more »

Veronica
Veronica
March 14, 2014 10:11 am
Reply to  whoopdeedoo

“Served up to the sharks like a little veal cutlet while Ma held the plate and looked away”

Sounds about right, the Lohan/ Kardashian/ Spears parenting style. Even the Hilton’s.

I read a biography of Paris H’s there is no way she could have turned out different! with the mother and Grandmother she had.

Xx
Xx
March 14, 2014 1:48 pm
Reply to  Veronica

I have the occasional oprah twinge where I just want to take her home and make her a cup of tea and try to fix things but its too late.

Veronica
Veronica
March 14, 2014 2:43 pm
Reply to  Xx

I know, she inspires my sympathy somewhat.
And the others above too (maybe not KK so much).
Like they are Persephones that may not come back from the underworld to tell their tales.

Serenity
Serenity
March 14, 2014 11:53 am
Reply to  whoopdeedoo

Sounds like she’s gearing up to make a movie of herself.

WOOHOO
WOOHOO
March 13, 2014 11:32 pm

I’m a Cancer… and she grosses me out. I think mostly because it makes me think of myself 5 years ago (pre-Mystic Medusa enlightenment days). Makes me appreciate having grown up the little amount I have. And motivates me to continue growing up. Something so tacky about it all, glamorous and cool then, *eyebrow raise* now.

Saturnalien
Saturnalien
March 13, 2014 10:59 pm

PR stunt posing as scandal methinks. Sex tapes are so passé; neatly completed, conveniently numbered, triple column fuq lists might be the new black in manufactured celeb scandals.

Also, not that anyone is asking, but I’d hate to be her astrologer.

milleunanotte
milleunanotte
March 14, 2014 12:35 am
Reply to  Saturnalien

Maybe that’s as Saturn as Lohan gets?

Saturnalien
Saturnalien
March 15, 2014 9:33 pm
Reply to  milleunanotte

She does have Mercury trine Saturn which fits the meticulous record keeping, but I still reckon some dodgy PR agent type has cooked up the idea of making it public.

Ms.
Ms.
March 16, 2014 12:30 am
Reply to  Saturnalien

Totally. That’s the problem with being a famous trainwreck, good advice sounds like what exactly? She should have a triple collum list of films not dudes. That’s not a credit doll.

Xx
Xx
March 14, 2014 1:46 pm
Reply to  Saturnalien

I keep staring at it expecting a star rating to be on the right hand side of each conquest.

she’s overexposed in paparazzi terms. More trash mag pics than actual movies for years now. The only good PR at this stage would be getting and then turning up for work, on time and sober.

Saturnalien
Saturnalien
March 15, 2014 9:40 pm
Reply to  Xx

Maybe there’s a hidden star rating system in the order they are listed…

Does she actually have any work to turn up to these days, or has she joined the likes of the Kardashians, the Jersey Shore fuqwits, Paris Hilton, etc who rely on the paps and dodgy fake PR stunts to stay famous for doing jack shit?

Pi
Pi
March 13, 2014 9:45 pm

Call her manager / publicist and offer your services. have you done any astro consults with fame types who have heeded your judgement and reaped the rewards? = testimonials / referees … 😉

Pi
Pi
March 13, 2014 9:46 pm
Reply to  Pi

actually no maybe go in the side door. who are her people? get them to reccy you to her. (sorry am in randomly ruthless career climber advice mode. terrible at doing it m’self tho)

Buckle (Aries, Pisces Asc, Gem Moon)
Buckle (Aries, Pisces Asc, Gem Moon)
March 14, 2014 11:30 am
Reply to  Pi

Can you imagine consulting for someone like that? I don’t expect she’d just say “Thanks for that amazing advice – I’ll really think hard on that and then I’d love to defrag more later”. I think she’d be calling you at all hours. Nightmare.

I think there’d be an inevitable talk about boundaries and privacy, and she wouldn’t understand a bit of it.

pi
pi
March 14, 2014 4:04 pm

You make a good point.as I like to say: The lightbulb has to *want* to change…

Blue Moon
Blue Moon
March 15, 2014 9:00 am
Reply to  pi

Yup. Bit sad innit?

leogroover
leogroover
March 15, 2014 12:02 pm
Reply to  pi

Sat morning giggle Pi thx

cosmic fleece
cosmic fleece
March 13, 2014 8:00 pm

Kudos for remembering all their surnames !

Andro
Andro
March 13, 2014 8:12 pm
Reply to  cosmic fleece

😀

Savannah
Savannah
March 13, 2014 10:04 pm
Reply to  cosmic fleece

LOL! my first thought.

Saturnalien
Saturnalien
March 13, 2014 11:01 pm
Reply to  cosmic fleece

Literal lol! 😀

milleunanotte
milleunanotte
March 14, 2014 12:34 am
Reply to  cosmic fleece

He heh you’ve got something in Pisces, too, haven’t you, Fleecy!

(Rising, if i recall.)

cosmic fleece
cosmic fleece
March 14, 2014 5:13 am
Reply to  milleunanotte

Oui Oui Millie, rising. It’s my saving grace xx

Andromeda
Andromeda
March 13, 2014 6:22 pm

As I know LL’s psychic twin sister (heroin addict/pro/charmer/gets-arrested for DUI talks her way out of it, like, bazillion-times/adopts-marrieds-sucks-their-bank- accounts dry moves-on/smart as a whip/coulda been a model/charisma plus) and have studied her for 20+ years and been confidante to all around her, I can tell you: It’s 5 years too late for LL.

Veronica
Veronica
March 14, 2014 10:16 am
Reply to  Andromeda

Why is she like this A? Trickster soul?

Veronica
Veronica
March 14, 2014 10:17 am
Reply to  Veronica

I mean the psychic twin…

Andromeda
Andromeda
March 14, 2014 10:48 am
Reply to  Veronica

She’s an Aries with Leo Moon with Pluto Opp Sun, and Square Saturn.

Dodgy parents, middle class veneer.
Brought up acting in that sense…

Trickster soul? Hm. Originally perhaps.
Mars & Sat in Gemini, Mercury in Pisces, Venus in Aqua.

Now she is just a really clever walking, talking addiction on two legs. (Jupe sq Nept)

calypso
calypso
March 14, 2014 10:56 am
Reply to  Andromeda

I’ve seen lo-Aries be so self interested/obsessed yet insecure they become users

Andromeda
Andromeda
March 14, 2014 4:01 pm
Reply to  calypso

I dunno what to call her, she’s amazing. Tho her step mum called her the ‘the devil’. She is like a rare Parasite from Venus. It’s so annoying that someone so fuqed up can be 30 times quicker mentally than everyone else.

calypso
calypso
March 14, 2014 4:14 pm
Reply to  Andromeda

the one I knew has sparkling intelligence too.

Veronica
Veronica
March 14, 2014 4:53 pm
Reply to  calypso

Makes me think of Loki, that’s why I was wondering about the trickster aspect, she’s a human agent of disruption

Veronica
Veronica
March 14, 2014 4:44 pm
Reply to  Andromeda

I once knew a Brazilian girl, and we were friends for a year (I dreamt I knew her from Lemuria, where she was a winged lion, and if was caduceus – it was a symbolic dream, if you know what I mean 🙂 ) Anyway, I took her at face value for ages, just girls having fun, she was naughty, tiny, and once she was standing in a room, there would be about five guys around us within a few minutes… I was actually with her when I met my present partner, come to think of it! Massive flirt, seemed… Read more »

Veronica
Veronica
March 14, 2014 4:45 pm
Reply to  Veronica

* I * was a caduceus in the dream

Andromeda
Andromeda
March 14, 2014 6:09 pm
Reply to  Veronica

Great story V. Yes I don’t count leaving a trail of poverty, betrayal and abandonment as being ‘tricksterish’, it’s more sociopathic.
When you say Taurean Dog, I do think ‘dependable’ or charming, but no. The one I know was a Tiger (no surprises there, lol?).
I just love your dream. So you were two serpents on winged stick? How do you present in the dream, were you a person? Hermes carried the caduceus. That’s some heavy symbolism there!!!

Veronica
Veronica
March 14, 2014 6:57 pm
Reply to  Andromeda

In the dream i was shown her as a symbol of winged lion, like a tattoo, not a 3D figure, and i was also like a symbol, like a line drawing, of 2 snakes on winged stick, they appeared as symbols so I wasn’t completely clear on what they meant. She and I bonded instantly, as if we were already familiar with each other. Yes, my partner is trickster-ish, Mars Venus Jupiter in gem (I enjoy that energy, my NN in gem also) but with the lovely leonine heart. I guess mean that these people channel such a big disruption… Read more »

doublekataka
doublekataka
March 13, 2014 6:07 pm

so true, this girl really needs to seek better advice, astrological and otherwise.

and Joaquin…. noooooo! how could you, petal.

Pegasus
Pegasus
March 13, 2014 6:06 pm

First thought was, publicity for her new show (and tell) with Oprah.
Her FRIEND kept the note? WHen i read it this morn i thought how boring
LL, is there no end to your indiscretions. Paper trails. Is nothing sacred?
Did she get paid for the sex? No. If she had been that list would never have been available.

sweetpea
sweetpea
March 13, 2014 5:20 pm

You obviously need to be her astrologer Myst. No matter how deep we hope this Kataka will be, she simply is not going there any time soon…She is young yet but you would think there would be certain wise guidance for her money…Of course not…they simply want her money. Yet, at her age, I was wanting to find God…what was name dropping? What was Hollywood? What was enlightenment? I actually say in my book that I had never even heard of the word…because I hadn’t..I did know however that the billionaires in congress pissed me off.. Anyway, Jupiter in Kataka… Read more »

Taurean Love Expert
Taurean Love Expert
March 13, 2014 6:45 pm
Reply to  sweetpea

Oh god, it’s tragic pseudo intellectual astro bitch territory, but I am having a devil of a time keeping on the straight & narrow with Jupiter transiting Cancer in the first. However, it’s about to hit Jupiter Return o’clock for me, so as long as I’m zap zone ready & still fit my pants, I’m ok. Mystic, you should drop LL a line!

milleunanotte
milleunanotte
March 14, 2014 12:30 am

TLE, this would be a great motto for when you can’t remember the other motivational mottos you have been trying to memorise (it keeps happening to me).

“As long as I’m zap zone ready & i still fit my pants”!!!

Wonderful!

pi
pi
March 14, 2014 12:34 am
Reply to  sweetpea

Omg you guys, me too, I am such a freaking lard ball right now! I mean not that y’all are also lard balls (! Keep digging, pi) but I have not been so hideously unhealthy that so few garments actually fit me. I am into the “LOSE SOME INCHES FATASS” section of my wardrobe. Gah

pi
pi
March 14, 2014 12:35 am
Reply to  pi

Sigh. Tmi soz

milleunanotte
milleunanotte
March 14, 2014 1:06 am
Reply to  pi

Haha no it’s true! But in my case i guess it’s really welcome, as my clothes were hanging, and i kept getting them taken in. It’s really nice to feel curves, but i have had a moment thinking, what if it doesn’t stop?? Is this Jupiter in Kataka?? For me it’s opp my 2nd house Mars.

Aquagem
Aquagem
March 14, 2014 1:35 am
Reply to  milleunanotte

Loose some inches fat ass section of the Wardrobe! I’m still laughing. The only thing that’s saved me after this ludicrous winter in Chicago is getting a dog that I have to walk. Otherwise I’d be past the fat ass section. Still laughing! Fashion sucks right now so it’s not very motivating to go out and find clothes… GAH!

sweetpea
sweetpea
March 15, 2014 7:52 pm
Reply to  Aquagem

lol guys.

Yes, I suppose not finishing my Friday afternoon/after work Mexican combo plate is a start. But I was like omg! When I realized Jupiter has been in my first house. Okay, got it…

Scroll to Top