Faith Is Torment

Robert-Lebsack

Faith is torment and so is this Dark Moon – interminable, ruthless and capable of stirring both ennui and status anxiety/security concerns. Nor is Venus parked practically on top of our Pluto in a Dark Moon exactly fun.Β  Asteroid Psyche is there too, for extra under-worldly oomph and insights. But we are alive and recalibrating in prep for a loving and lucrative 2014, right? And the Weekly Horoscopes from Feb 1 are now posted.

 

 

Image: Robert Lebsack

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117 thoughts on “Faith Is Torment

      • It made me laugh! I woke up this morning thinking “what surreal large objects can I blithely sweep out of my life?”

        I came up with things like apologising routinely and not working around other people as a rule – proper cooperation and compromise is an adult thing. I should allow for more of it πŸ™‚

  1. Oh BLACK Moon! Just not in the mood for you at all.

    Really vibing on the Chinese Astrology in the last years and feeling the nature of the years..
    Like the Dragon year 2012 was so exciting and ebullient and dramatic –
    full of promise and aspirations. Then.. came along that wierdo Water Snake. So silent, so slow, so wtf? The Serpent deflated my dragonic aspirations with it’s fangs. Everything seemed to be happening in the background.

    Now the Horse is coming, I am apprehensive. Rambunctious and impulsive haven’t been friends of late.
    A wood horse is more polite than a fire horse at least…

    • Apprehension is probably sensible in this case – or at least, caution in the face of any seeming gift or peace offering. Just ask the Trojans!

      • Ooh, the Year of the Trojan Horse! Very good iF, you may be on to something there. πŸ™‚
        I just went ping!

        Had really dark moon snakey convo with the smart meter guy. My meter is behind a locked porch door and in a locked cupboard (actually due to lil’ Cap’s insatiable curiosity & wanderlust).

        *I move key to lock to let him in*
        ‘I’m here to install your smart meter’.
        *I move key back to hook*
        ‘Oh. I don’t want one’.
        ‘They are mandatory, they passed a law’, he growls.
        Noting his UK accent I say:
        ‘They wouldn’t have let this happen in Europe. It’s very disappointing’.
        He looks glum. ‘Well. I can’t make you let me in and do it’.
        ‘I know that’s why I am not opening the door’.
        ‘I will notify management and we’ll see what the next step is’.

        So he can make me, but he can’t make me. Hm.
        Frankly, he can ride home on the Trojan Horse he rode in on!

        • I can’t claim originality here Andy – just passing on Michael Lutin’s half joking warning this week, apropos of Year of the Wooden Horse: ‘if there’s a knock at the door, look through the peep hole before you open it”.

        • πŸ˜‰ I’ll consider myself warned either way.

          Just looked at the pic now. No wonder I related the meter man convo. 😯

          • Mind you, had the cutest electrician knock on my door to fix intercom on Tuesday. Invited, but damn, if I’d know what he looked like, I’d have made an effort in the Venus dept before he arrived!
            He couldn’t fix it, and has to come back… πŸ™‚ One can but dream, on dark mooney Venus stations.

            • Nay, but one SHOULD dream! πŸ™‚

              He’d be a lucky.. he might not be able to fix it again and you might both be lucky, lol.

              I, on the other hand, hope never to see my meter man again.

              • He is probably about the age I was in my gravatar pic (ie ten years younger than I am now), so it’d be me that’d be lucky, I’m afraid!!. And am not normally attracted to younger men – but at least he didn’t have a wedding ring. Sigh…all this, er, Jupe in the 8th energy being pinged by Ven-Pluto, at my age. Tragic, really.

                • Seriously 10 years is nothing & certainly not ‘tragic’! Venus energy is NOT defined by such lousy parameters of the space/time continuum. You are a glowing Aphroditic powerhouse of kundalini, work that Venus-Pluto vibe!!

                  • Thanx for that affirm, fellow Tigress.Put up the grav pic to remind me of when I still felt
                    like that, every time I posted xxx

                  • Love that. Sod the space-time continuum… though I have Saturn in my 5th right now and lower tolerations. Speaking of, my plumber and window guys are both hot. I’m talking compression shirt hot. Hence I am always “breaking” things.. πŸ™‚

    • Wow. Thanks for summing up the last year so well: “Water Snake. So silent, so slow, so wtf?”
      It was incredibly silent and slow for me. The quietest and murkiest year of my life. Nothing to do with the outside world either, but the endless quicksand of my emotions, body and spirit.
      Just wondering if you might know more about the Wood Horse. ??

      Really, really counting down the minutes til the new moon. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been so over everything.

      • Hey, I love “the endless quicksand of my emotions, body and spirit” because that is the trickery of the snake, or the beauty of Snake’s lesson, which is self-mastery. Chicken/Egg or Inner/Outer. The Orouboros of Consciousness.

        Though I found myself in that quicksand of doubt, confusion etc too! Still. I think there is some peace there too. The Hanged Man is springing to mind. Spiritual Knowledge. Acceptance.

        I don’t think I can be as succinct.. But the Wood Horse is alert, smart, sociable and takes on too much at once. Kinda Uranian, Firey vibe. Really for me overtones of Saggitarius describes the Wood Horse pretty well. But a bit more co-operative with that nice woodsiness. It should be an interesting year!
        All that submerged snakey stuff is going to come into the light!

        • The Hanged Man…spot on Andy. Everything about that card describes my material and spiritual journey over the last 12 months.

        • Thanks Andromeda!
          Funnily enough I did achieve what some would consider self-mastery over the last year. The only thing is that it is nothing like I expected. But then maybe ‘self-mastery’ is one of those slippery terms which in reality doesn’t mean what everybody thinks it does.

          Wood Horse feels like a quickening of sorts. Feels like things will start to move very quickly after all that slithering about in murky waters!

    • I will admit that I do gallop about with my mane on fire often but I am quite polite most of the time. My father leased out a restaurant to a chinese family and was asked if he had children. He replied he had a daughter and she was X years old. The Chinese tenant grabbed his arm and said oh goodness I am sorry! My father was taken aback ????
      You have a female fire horse, was his reply!!!! Shocking in his eyes.

      • Ignore. The Fire Horse is SPECIAL in my book, and in many other interpretations, too.

        Not vallued (indeed, feared) in traditional Confucian /Taoist culture, let alone collectivist Maoist culture, since it is all about jumping right out of the conservative make-money-and-do-what-your-parents-tell-you boat, swimming to shore, and galloping off on its own very individual journey, mane on fire, with that beacon probably lighting the way for the creativity and dreams of others.

      • Deeply ignore. And I just fell in love with you a bit more EMG! (What’s EMG stand for btw?) my Gem guy is Eurasian & his Chino side of the fam had big old commiseration on hearing I was a double tiger. Ai Yaa! He asked is it because she is a tiger or do you not like it because I am an Ox? It’s all bad la! said uncle. πŸ˜€

        Anyways, one of the most discrete, kind, sensitive, dignified & beautiful men I have ever, ever known was a Fire Horse. Great power harnessed there. πŸ˜‰

        • i never knew fire horse women were such a ‘liability’ in chinese / other asian cultures until very recently. Now I am learning a lot thanks to lots of CNY reading πŸ™‚

          ???? πŸ™‚

          • Hey, Pi.. remove the “fire horse” bit and yes, women aren’t as valued as men. I know it’s changing as new generations arrive but on a personal level, I still see it there.

            Thanks for the Chinese greeting btw. πŸ™‚

        • You know I never took offence but I did laugh and swished my tail and trotted off. You’re right, we don’t run with the herd at all and we never tow the line. We burn the traces and plough our own furrow.
          Emg is sort of my initials as such but not quite. But that is dull so I will have to go off and think of some witty take on this.

          • Electro or electra if you like, magnetic definitely, grid, girdle, griddle, no no
            Electro magnetic Giggle! That is what it stands for.

        • I have a tiger chap who has been in my life for ages and try as I might I cannot shift him… he has become a rather comfy pussy cat!
          I like the Tiger.

  2. Am a dark moon cliche. Smoked a blunt and ate some pad Thai in bed. Just exhausted and need the zone out time before a busy next few days. Think I’m gonna get some l-phenalynine again tomorrow for an energy boost. Started taking Sam-e again today too…

      • I never used to like it before when I was younger but lately I use really specific types tinctures and outdoor sativas that I know work well with me as needed to help with anxiety. Much better than drinking but I don’t smoke often or large quantities. It’s sort of like a big big dose of melatonin. πŸ˜€

  3. Boy this week has been a roller coaster. Started on high end stress, progressed to relief, adrenaline high post achievement of a goal and then crash out before self doubt and fear and a horrible nerves set in. Today I was awake at 4am. Trying to banish thoughts from another era which hold no currency now.
    I cleaned my study, ironed, cut the wicks on old candles, washed my scanties and decided enough.
    Time for the new. Just have to make it to the other end of that wire…

  4. Hey yes i am loving that metaphor – that there are things which DID hold currency in another land, another era – but which do not in this era. It resonates.

  5. It was all smooth sailing on the Love Boat, just cruising along and I was confident I had this Venus Retro bullsh*t licked when BAM, right outta nowhere today I find myself flying solo once again.
    Fuq it – missed it by that much…..
    πŸ™

    • Snap- me too. I think at least the energy for moving the fuck forward and getting our awesome on is strong. Just got to tap it.

      • Also… Since the split, aka blockage removal, $$$ has been FLOWING for me! As is pretty much EVERY other aspect of my life. Bring on the awesome!

        • Yeah, and the silver lining in all this is at least I now get to keep the expensive, wicked cool Valentines gift I got him!
          Oh crap…..Valentines Day – barf.

    • Hmm. I did my divesting on the day prior New Year’s eve. He had asked if we could be friends, I said yes. I was being open minded but was very clear that I wasn’t sure if he could be a good friend.

      He said he’d like to try. However, his definition involved benefits. Mine does not. πŸ™‚

  6. Torment is such a good word for Venus retro. I ended up tormented from the one a while ago and this one wasn’t much better. There is only one thing that has proven more debilitating for me …mars retro ..was it in Leo last time ? That was fuqing horrible. February seems fine, as a native merc retro I’m not concerned but once Mars starts it’s tormenting ….aye curamba.

    • The 9 months of Mars in Virgo was in end 2011/12 and Mars retro in Leo was end 2009/first half of 2010, I think. {{{Shudders at the memory}}}}. Perhaps this is the first one I can remember where there’s planets lined up at all opposing/squaring points, however. {{{Sighs}}}

  7. Yes. Tormenting. Like a child dangling food in front of a dog, or pulling a cats tail. I’m ready to swipe or bite back I swear I’m like a caged animal.

    I’m all cardinal. I’m all action. I have to do things. I don’t want to think about it unless it leads to doing something about it. Shite. House. Transit.

  8. All that Venusian-Plutonian cosmic force is parked on top of my moon-Lilith-Eros-Juno conj in Cap.
    Feeling so in tune with this vibe! This never happens to me. Intuition is running at warp speed. Creatively I’m just about downloading direct from the cosmos.

    • Aha! A breakthrough followed those feelings of stasis and frustration. Really pleased for you… I could almost hear something trying to hatch a few threads ago. xxx

      • thanks C.. well something has come to pass which I knew would force the change from outside – the kind of change that I just couldn’t work out from within. It’s given me the cut-thru in perception that I needed, a birds-eye view. doesn’t mean easy, but it means I have ‘felt’ the crossover so .. hopefully a bit easier from here. I know pluto doesn’t let up when we’re done, pluto lets up when pluto is done ! so, I guess that means ‘just when you thought it was safe..’

        • Yep.. sounds like Pluto alright. Gives us a gentle shove or an almighty fuqing whack depending on how we are going with making the required changes.
          When is Pluto on your moon btw – and what house?? Are you feeling it yet?

  9. Oh thank god for that post, and that picture. Resonated like blazes. Just turned down a potentially amazing job despite feeling like I am on the verge of middle aged professional extinction… merely (?), because it felt all wrong in my guts and I had a dream of an amazing woman walking alongside me telling me not to do it…. guess I crashed and burned off that wire!

  10. I too am suddenly single @Catzai. What a horrible last few days. My mind has gone from loving everyone and where I’m at to hating the world – job, love, home all suck. Never experienced a dark moon like it. Sorry, when is it over? New moon in Aqua tomorrow morning yes? I have an Aqua moon, I hope it’s some damn good energy. Sheesh.

  11. So damn dark. In cleaning out old shizz today I came across old things from another time. Had to let em go. Almost physically hurt to do it. For the best for sure. Wardrobe & jewellery also purged. Love your guts Mystic.

  12. I’m spending the last few days of the dark moon in a suicide prevention training program – very apt considering the astro!!

  13. I hated the full moon and all that pre-April warmup, but the past few days I’ve been way back on track and following my bliss. I feel very centred and into my work once more.

    Also, is it too early for Venusian type things to be manifesting? Because 1. I’m making art again, loving it, and 2. Crush action is stirring, major wtf.

  14. Like Chrysalis said above, I am feeling very in tune with this vibe…

    I was feeling that I’ve really been doing my Virgo, and realised that Venus/Pluto currently exactly trining my natal Mars/Pluto/ Uranus in the 12th.
    During this retro, I have turned out every cupboard, every drawer decluttered (small house). Now I know Exactly where everything is…
    And up at 7am when it’s not hot, and weeding and pruning the garden, just go into a flow with the rake, and shears in my pocket.

    Venus in cap seemed to cause various very dear old aqua/cappie friends call up out of the blue, and bring their kids to visit my new home, so there has been kids in the backyard on the rope swing πŸ™‚ and picnics under the shade trees.

    There’s definitely an element of tightrope walking as per the pic above -now waiting for work to call, and the big bills are starting to roll in, but feeling somehow zen. Maybe that’s trust?

    • Love the image of rope swings and backyard picnics!
      You sound ‘in tune’, in harmony, with yourself and your surrounds. Fabulous!

      • Thanks A, yes it’s really nice. We don’t have kids ourselves, so its a joy to have them around climbing trees, reading, playing with the dogs, etc. they are quirky.

        Isn’t there a Chinese saying to the effect that it is good fortune to hear the laughter of children?

  15. The vibe is so low right now people are flatlining.

    I’m just over the finish line of what has been the most insane obstacle course since last year. I am now in a position to seriously look at working for myself again which I am going to time around some serious astro planning. Might need to save for your good council mystic πŸ˜‰

  16. Don’t say i don’t practice what i lecture rant – i just deleted the old Finding My Goddess post from 2009 even though i think it (along with Love Zombies) was most commented post on ever. The link to his site has died and even though the comments are HILARIOUS, the guy himself brings only bad, late capitalist Neptune in Aquarius Nineties hangover energy.

    AND a new DiY Hacks out tomorrow…

    Ms sweetie do you want to join my secret council? xx

  17. I’m about to splurge my stuff.
    In April as you will have known I took a massive hit from the universe and exploded all over my main man, puzzle piece, other half, mirror image and lost him as though he had died. Quietly and with deep pain I got on with life and rebuilt so much but with a deep understanding that things were not yet over between he and I .
    The months passed and I was in contact with his brother which was an eye opener in so many ways. But this man was kind and generous and told me about the 50 years he had spent with his brother and how was best to approach this sensitive soul.
    I took up his words and worked slowly on myself, building my inner strength and ability to be alone but also to love as deeply as I do. To love without compromise. I took the time to slowly tell my man what I had felt and how deep my feelings were. Letting go of pride and letting go of the fear that is rejection.
    I always watch the sky and understand the patterns and the energy as it arrives.
    After Xmas the universe was letting go again and the lock down seemed to be releasing and last week something shifted in a dramatic way. I felt very different and knew that a change was coming in my world.
    It seems that as Pluto has hit 12 degrees a place we have never witnessed before it was time for life to move on.
    At the weekend my main man just dropped me a text, suggesting he would like to take back up with a story line we had had and which had been a dramatic and strong unifying agent for us. It has started. A return has started. Not back to what we had or were but to a place of a new commitment to each other on what ever level it will take,
    The other day we spoke on this blog of unconditional love and I suppose it is just this. I will love this man, if he is able to stand by my side or not and I will have the strength to just let that be. And for that I have been through the fires but what sheer freedom there is in that.
    Enough said.

    • I remember all this backstory.
      Amen to unconditional love, honey. I wouldn’t be alive without it….in fact, none of us would, and we need more of it in this very conditional love (Venus/Pluto in Cap) me me me (Uranus in Aries) kinda world x

  18. people remember the astrology in operation here; Venus Retro on PLUTO – talk of unconditional love is always a bit suss when such astro is in effect and it is not just the risk of a zombie episode – you could be falling back in love with an unclaimed remnant of your past SELF.

    • Or you could be stepping forward into new ground that Pluto has ploughed for us. I would never wish to be without my ability to love with courage. That is how I see this. I have found a strength in me now to step forward not back. This is the new growth.

      • You go girl. Know your OWN growth, your OWN zeitgeist, and your OWN relationships. No one else can know the peeps involved, nor their evolution, as intimately as YOU do.
        Unconditional love does NOT mean no boundaries, or unequal reward, if done right.
        It is NOT synonymous with being stepped on, bonzaied, or zapped back to a past self, as you say, EMG.
        And there, you, EMG and moi must agree to disagree vis a vis individual cases, Mystic.

  19. Our faith beyond the journey through the underworld is out of this world. A relationship with darkness..with the dark night of the soul is something I never imagined to be liberating and humbling. What color is faith…I asked that in a dream last night. I found this today..and thought of sharing. We truly have been on the journey of the underworld…the God Ra gave us a boat..and said I will set you a sail down a river of tears to your soul..but it will be dark..and you will see the great darkness of humanity..but the fire in the heart will light your way. This must be that moment in humanity’s evolution when we will stand up to our noble existence. Thank you Mystic and astro-geniuses for your guidance.

    • I feel ever so slightly clumsy and unable to express myself fully and fluently after watching that. Pagan you talk of Ra and the fire in our hearts. I must say I for one feel myself outside this collective society in such a dramatic way these days and yesterday I sat with a client who was trying to cleanse his life his soul of all it’s misery with a fast. What a piece of film for our time. Without doubt a stilling moment for me and what I feel just now.

      • And I don’t know if I have recounted a dream I once had on this blog but here goes at the risk of repeating myself.
        Around eight or nine years ago I had a dream that I stood some way apart from a nuclear device going off. I stood in the desert watching the explosion and the mushroom grow. Then as the shock wave blasted outwards I remembered thinking to myself, that there was nothing I could do and I just had to endure this as it hit me and that certain extinction was merely seconds away. The blast wave and fall out rushed closer, the noise was intense and the calm in me grew. It hit me. It passed over and around me and I felt nothing. It was over and gone and I was still standing there without a scratch or a mark but a deep calm as a residue.
        It was a profound dream, clearly remembered and what I took from it then as now is that life comes at you but you can and do survive until the day you don’t but that you must release and just let it happen. I’ve tried to practice that since.

      • Blessings to you Emg…;) I believe its in the buddhism..but I could be wrong..I am not always good with remembering names…but the saying goes… We have two births..the one of our parents, adn the one that is ours. We are all having our second birth..and this moment of severe crisis..polished darkness..we are at the stillpoint..like Mystic says..one the line balancing between two worlds. Might sound crazy..but we are at the juncture of a 2000 year old exit out of hell…patriarchal detris is leaving our phoenix wings forever. Have you ever held ash in your hand..substance that seems so light..has such great power..in some cultures they wipe this upon their bodies before they enter the otherworld. I believe our shaman aka: chiron archetypes are revealing themselves. Chiron was fierce..shed so many tears in the forest alone before he reentered the “real world”.. and healed. Embracing the wounds, the scars..is where we will all rise!!

        I found that video moving..and needed to be watched several times..the symbols are of the whole decade and beyond. The war inside mirrors the war outside..and I think we are all just tired of the war inside..Peace is so Revolutionary..and so 21st century.. War is so past 2000 years. The revolution within is fierce right now…darkness has been exiled for so long..and used against us. I for one…have spent the last decade on the periphery looking in….and the illusion is that those who sit outside do not have power..of course now the wheels turn..and those who feel exiled understand the game..understand the maya aka:illusion…so we have the beginning of a new world. Your dream matters..all our dreams do….all the great goddess cultures dreamed the world into existence….its Lilith’s time now..and with Lilith moving into Leo..at least we can do with style…8| Also…the language of the underworld is sure out of this world..been making notes myself..storing dreams away for when they make sense! πŸ˜‰

    • Truly beautiful, resonant piece of art and imagery.

      a tangible reminder of the commonality of the shared experience that is this life

    • Glad all of you liked video..hope I am commenting back the right way..I am new to all of this. I just realized, I wrote the longest comment..must be the moon!! Keeping steady inspiration..and being in that place that Rumi talks about….

      .”Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
      there is a field. I’ll meet you there.

  20. the image reminds me of this

    Like a bird on the wire,
    Like a drunk in a midnight choir
    I have tried in my way to be free.

    This venus phase I’ve done taxes and worked out a slay all debt plan. When it backed out of my 8th last week into my 7th I spent a lot of time thinking about how much I adore my lovely man. even if he is shit at keeping receipts.

  21. echoes of 1995 and 2004 in the weeklies? I surely hope not! In both cases I said goodbye to comfortable stable lives by something sudden and stormy. 2004 was my last “good” year. Every year since 2004 has been non stop pain and torment for 10 yrs with the worst peaking at 2008. The only good thing i can say at the moment is that my life is neither stable nor good so if something erratic is going to come along and make me more unstable, then fine. Whatever. F echoes.

    • odd eh. Best year of my life was 2008 but in finding the best of life it then created the worst few years ever, ever but having now endured that and being committed to the joy of 08 I now aim to create that on a long term basis by being authentic and following that instinct. It’s been tough

      • I’m just waiting for things to blow over to get back to some kind of “normalcy”. Notice that was in quotes because nothing is ever normal for me regardless of where Uranus is at, but needs to be something besides non-stop pain and misery. While I can’t say things are good, I can at least say, well it’s not 2008!!

        • EEL, what is the main source of your misery? The question just popped into my mind as I was reading your post.
          I know you can be acerbic sometimes, but this seems something more

          • I have lots of sources of misery (like death of beloved family members & friends), but the main one is a lack of love in my life. I’m a Libra and the thought of flying solo for this long in my life and at this age where people have already been married at least once and/or have had children feels like failure. But with no proper partners what can one do but continue to fly solo? The answer is not to shack up with somebody unworthy that’s for sure.

            • I’m sorry you’re having a crap time EEL. I hope it’s ok if I ask a question too – your words leapt out at me.

              Did you have any hard core experiences as a child where you felt like you weren’t keeping up with the kids around you? The weird clothes you wore or the fact you couldn’t get the shoelace thing (these are random examples to illustrate my point πŸ™‚ – that kind of stuff?

              ie: is this something deeply resonant at a sub conscious level that you’re dealing with, or are these concepts you mention that are based around age and where you should be at in certain phases of it purely about your perception of and responses to societal expectations of you?

              In which part of your mind did this seed take root – are these thoughts and emotions from the here and now or are they linked to something else in another time and place?

              • You know, every child goes through a phase where they try to harmonize with those around them. They want to be like the others. But if you’re me, nothing short of scrubbin your race, body type, your family, your DNA will make you into a thin blonde haired white girl with blue eyes from an upper middle class family with married parents who have respectable jobs. So I gave up that ideal pretty early on because when you are that far back, there is no catching up, didn’t even try. When you start out in life as the freak, there’s no use trying to hide it so you might as well boost it to the max.
                But I always thought certain things were universal even if I had the other things against me, like the availability of love. Why should only “normal people” have access to love? It didn’t matter who I was or what I did, that I could find a mate that would match how weird I was and everything would be ok. And that didn’t happen. I’ve got time mind you, but I’m no longer holding my breath. And yes time *IS* or *WAS* an issue. My reproductive system is beginning to shut down so very soon, I’ll lose the option of being a mother and therefore mate possibilities will also dwindle and become harder than they already are. But I don’t want to say I am baby-crazy because that is a lie. I’m not. If i was baby-crazy i would’ve mated with someone to pop out a baby to raise as my own without a man.

            • I do understand how you feel, I was single for nearly 15 years! And libra rising. I think it might be easier for women to get on with their life, in that one can have some intimacy within a circle of friends and shared activities. But
              there is always a thought at the back of your mind like ‘when am I going to meet someone?’

              It sucks in that it’s not really a situation where you can identify the problem and put steps into place to fix it, cos there is another party that has to come to the party, so to speak.

              I personally felt a lot less alone when I got my beautiful little staffy girl dog, who is 9 in a couple of weeks. She so opened my heart, and I nearly lost her due to some unfortunate medical developments -that was a very dark time, cos I hadn’t loved anyone or anything as much for many years, and I was weeping uncontrollably at work for weeks.

              Agree with Anon F that there could be a seed of something in your past. I do know that for many years the subconscious thought was “I wouldn’t want to drag a child of my own through what I went through”

              • Wow 15 years is a long time! No dating? and no physical intimacy during the 15? impressive how long people can go without being physically touched! And it’s very good you’ve got friends you can rely on too. My friends have dried up. All the ones who are moms now, are all too busy now and they act like know it alls about everything just because I haven’t gone through childbirth. And that pretty much leaves the friends who have boyfriends or husbands….they sometimes have time to spend with you, but not really. They choose to spend the loneliest nights with their hubby/mate. and why not? So that sort of leaves me isolated.

                I think it’s grand you found comfort with a dog. I’m not over my tragic pet loss from 2008 to want another pet right now. I know I just couldn’t handle it.

                • No EEL, I was definitely not celibate,, well actually I was for the 5 years before I got into the present relationship, but lots of male buddies, and also moved to a new town where the crew I was hanging with were younger and not in the family phase as my old friends were

  22. I read all kind of texts..place no prejudice on where beautiful language comes from..but I kept this near me for the past decade because its epic..and because today was one of those days…when soaring felt too heavy..;)

    The conditions of a solitary bird are five:
    First, that it flies to the highest point.
    Second, that it does not seek after company, not even its own kind.
    Third, that it aims its beak to the wind.
    Fourth, that it has no definite color.
    Fifth, that it sings very sweetly.
    St John of the cross (from the Dark Night of the Soul)

  23. Emerged from the dark moon about 2 pm yesterday. What a whopper. Could not move for days. Guided to deal with underlying anxiety issues hanging around since childhood after of an amazing shamanic process of being eaten by a beautiful polar bear who reminded me that life is messy.
    Definitely more authentic in relationships inc with myself. Hoping that even though this one was tough April won’t be the same or worse.

  24. The tides have turned!!!
    I feel infinitely better. Got out of the house today for most of the day. Torro with his Libra rising was a happier soul as well.
    This evening was a incredibly low tide and I walked the edge between the continent and the ocean…..
    Came home and made love with Torro. Wonderful day of reconnecting.

    My soul is refreshed!

  25. Ahh it just clicked. Whatever astro was going on at this time eas when I went shopping just to cheer myself up, didn’t work. I don’t even like shopping, can stomach only small amounts. Love design though. Anyway….was in a pissed off mood. Shopping didn’t shkae it off. Ughh April!

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