Astro Gaga: Maybe Wait Till Pluto Is In Aquarius

Filed in Astro Gaga

Fashion September 2013 Vogue

Saccharina sat immobile – trying to channel sphinx. Powerful people did not over-emote or talk too much. She knew that. Nor did they take out hits on their hairdressers. But there was no way around it.

Mars was in Leo and her hair was no longer blonde, it was ashen. Like she was a 1000 year old vampire or an astronaut stuck in the gravity of Saturn vortex. Like fallout dust. Like her delusions of love left over from when Pluto was in Sagittarius. And the BANGS? Fuq. She would tear out her hair if the amount of product used had not made that an impossibility.

She looked like Draco Malfoy’s aunt; the one who was always in therapy but it never worked.

Her Scorpio Maid/N.S.A. agent was not concerned. She’d seen her Piscean charge through several such existential crisis situations before. She had the champagne in her handbag and the Hot Kahuna G-Spot Guy on speed-dial.

But  she was waiting for the right moment to tell Saccharina that the coins gifted by her long-time absentee soulmate were not actually from Ancient Mesopotamia. 


Image: David Dunan – Vogue Italia – September 2013

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24 thoughts on “Astro Gaga: Maybe Wait Till Pluto Is In Aquarius

  1. “I know that you’re angry that you haven’t had sex for three months. Have you ever thought about the signals that you are sending out? I mean, did you know that a woman’s purse is supposed to resemble her uh, um…err, you know. Maybe that little reptile number is kinda cock-blocking, you think?

    • Lol, is that why there are women that carry large bags, that is like the black hole you can’t find anything? I’m looking at my purse right now and I can best describe it as it’s a long way to a locked box, lol but I have upgraded it to shiny patent, two handles, shorter now and closeable pouches.

  2. And Pussy Riot is where? Or is that what we’re looking at here, albeit telepathic? That champagne bottle neck poking out of the purse, pointing at Sachy, is a touch suggestive…

    Is that a shiner on Sachy’s cheek? Did she get beamed by a cork missile?

    Haha I think so! Undercover Scorp NSA agent says, “Never introduce me as your maid again. Present me as anything you like, but I’m not your fuqin maid– or there’s another cork with your name on it, Sachy.”

    Dressing as a nun is my favorite Halloween get up. Not tarted up or anything, just straight up habit sans make-up like a real nun. The sea of trick-or-treaters magically part to let me through, elders nod & wish me a “Good evening, Sister,” as I pass. Ha! Yes, yes it is my children, thank you.

    • Spoiler Alert!

      “Saccharina, these aren’t coins from Mesopotamia: they’re tokens from a casino in Atlantic City. And I most certainly will not accept them as payment. You’re wasting my time.”

  3. OFF TOPIC to this post

    Mystic… Thank you! I love your daily scopes! I check my gmail often to see that it came in. Right now I can see that things are FAB! Accomplishments, confidence, being appreciated and growing. I can’t ask for anything better. My schedule has been jam packed but I feel organzied and structured. Last night I was looking over my excel spreadsheet for my budget and I can say that things are looking good. I love what it creates with my positive visions. Things are moving and I am Thankful to being apart of your group!

    Still learning about astrology and although difficult for me to participate in some threads I am learning.

    God Speed!

  4. But some powerful people do over emote or talk too much at times.

    What about game show hosts or late night tv talk show hosts or reality television stars (on the good kind of reality tv), journalists or people trying to unblock their throat chakras with the aid of semi-precious sodalite or lapis lazuli ?

    Just finished reading a biography of Andy Cohen “Most Talkative” where as a thirteen year old kid he would talk so much on the car trip on the way to Florida that his aunt emptied a pitcher of iced tea over his head but he just kept on talking.

    I don’t like Saccharina much but I’m hoping her Scorpio maid pays off her credit card debt soon and then moves on to a job she really likes.

  5. …I went to check when Pluto gets into Aquarius, I forgot it’s until 2016. -_-”

    My big boss is a pisces. My boss is a scorpio. It’s exactly like Mystic describes. There are no other water signs in the office, we are heavy on the fire and slowly hiring in more air. The one taurus is pretty much useless.

    Argh…I cannot work in such an environment. It is ridiculous.

    • Oops, pluto will enter aquarius in 2023. Ok…I’m out of there. No more water sign bosses for me.

  6. The coins were an inheritance her estranged Cancer husband had forwarded to her from her native island her missionary parents had raised her.

    The maid licked her lips gingerly and began to remove her gloves. Heaven forbid she sully the delicate ensemble she had meticulously selected to suit her Virgo rising expectations. She began counting the coins again. She felt powerful separating them into stacks of 12 and calculating their worth in her head. If only they weren’t completely useless in DC.

    “Maybe we should go home,” she tentatively suggested.

    “What exactly for? Did you forget to organize the vibrator drawer again?” Saccharina could be a real snarky bitch when she was sober.

    “No, I don’t mean that home. I meant – maybe we should go visit your sister! Maybe you just need to get away from work and -”

    “Maybe I just need to get away from you,” Saccharina snapped. She blinked her eyes hard three times and sniffed. “You know I have no wish to return there. Besides we must take these coins to a museum to see what they’re worth. Then we can get some coke. Now, if you’ll excuse me,” and she rushed off to the bathroom without being excused dabbing at her eyes.

    The maid bit her lip. Nathaniel had told her to convince Saccharina to return to the island but under no circumstances to let her know that he was still there. But with her non-existent family relationship, what other incentive could she use?

  7. LOL…can’t tell u how many peeps I told, Give me 10 min…and their like, No prob…I’ll hve a drink and bam…the BirkinBagBar is open for biz and blow–long live Pluto in Sag

  8. >Nor did they take out hits on their hairdressers

    I needed to hear this today.

    You are so good at this, you should write a book.

  9. Love Astro Gaga!

    I’ve often wondered about some of these photo shoots we see in AG: how the models feel when they see the final product…and do they sell the clothes? Love Sacch’s jacket and her maid’s top (but not the collar bit!) and a handbag big enough to take the Moet et Chandon (chilled…so there are inner compartments to ensure one’s electronic goods remain dry) is always to be appreciated.

  10. Lunch with The Librans was always just a bit painful. Oh, they were lovely of course, but so much so it seemed to The Pisces as though they were acting a part. No matter how hard they tried to be avant-garde or dress outside their milieu, Lise and Annabelle always managed to look as though they had hired a personal assistant at Latest Upmarket Department Store to curate their *just so* look. And to The Piscean who was perhaps a little hungover, 16 minutes late and not in the mood to restrain a more… street-worthy vocabulary that day, it was almost too much to cope with around people who just seemed so, well, nice. But the Piscean decided this was far better than the pack of bitches she had to deal with yesterday. And at least they were easy on the eye. So she waved over the dishevelled but ridiculously sexy waitguy and ordered a caffè corretto. The day had begun.

    • And besides, Lise had brought Champagne. That lady knew which way was up, there was no doubt about it.

  11. I don’t even know where to start!

    Saccharina! Love!

  12. hahahahah! this is SO hilarious, poetic and brilliant! Mystic you write like a Goddess! 🙂

  13. I’m confused….is now a good time to make a hair change? I know its dark moon and Mars in Leo. Should I wait for the new moon?

    I hate my hair right now