For years, whenever I need solace, or to work something out, or to just get through a very bad patch, I have kept a diary. I’m not a bad writer, and they are well-written if I say so myself (shades of Samantha Brick creeping in..) But I have a problem that I think you have a solution for, or at least an angle on.
I have been having an extremely long Pluto transit. Non-stop Pluto on all of my personal transits. To day that it was was difficult would be quite understatement. I was in exile and completely without support for all my son’s early childhood, and very lonely for most of it. I kept a diary throughout these years, recording my thoughts, my dreams and wishes, and sometimes, the things my boy said or did. Up until now I’ve kept them. They also contain quite a lot of reference to a romance I had with a man I have been in love with (and he with me) for almost 12 years now. We couldn’t get it together for various reasons and then we did finally get together and it was a disaster. This man was always waiting in the wings, he watched me get married, fall pregnant, try to keep the marriage working, get left…and he was always there but could not deal with the intense amount of neediness – and I couldn’t deal with his absence – for his business or for his family. Anyway – in the end I ran away and he took up with another woman.
Fast forward 5 years. My child is happy and healthy. We are settled, after a disastrous re-entry back into my old life. And late last year, this man contacted me again, and slowly, tenuously, and with great mindfulness about what went before but also what we mean to each other, we are trying again, not forgetting but certainly not dwelling. The honesty has been amazing.
For 6 weeks a pile of diaries has lain next to my back door, ready to be removed to the recycling bin. Tonight is bin night. I shall put these out, these records of the toughest time of my life, filled to the brim with tears, desperation, and many many yearnings for the man who is now in my life. Mostly, they are full of the dreams that one day I might be in a different situation and feel differently about myself and my prospects. And also that one day he might be in a different situation and it might work. All of this has come to fruition. I feel the closing act would be to put those diaries in the bin and say goodbye to all that pain and move on. And yet I feel like I am somehow negating or betraying myself, and letting my diaries down. Maybe I need to keep them so I can remember where I came from. But I never want to think like that again, and we are trying so hard to not keep bringing up the past, and we are mostly succeeding, whilst slowly dealing with the old wounds and acknowledging them. So much of what went on between us was about lack of support and lack of understanding, and we have ruled a line under it.
What to do? Are these bad Feng Shui? where should they go? When I see them, I wince, but when I try to put them in the bin, my hand falters and I remember when they were the only things I could talk to. What do you think?
Dear Stray Sagittarian,
hey first of all, congrats on having emerged from your Pluto passages so wise and for real! That’s a huge achievement. And wow, what a history with this guy. But okay you are asking a Mars in Virgo (8th house) minimalist whether or not you should throw something out. My answer is always going to be yes. And if they are reminders of a sad and painful part of your life that you have now successfully evolved through and beyond, totally bin them.
However, i do get the diary thing. Personally, i always have but one diary – astrological & tarot notes, emo processing, venting & dream journalling – and when it’s finished, i sit down with a glass of wine, read it all through, make some connections and then burn it or shred it. So if i were you, i would do just that before the New Moon Eclipse in a less than 24 hours. Score some solo space, read them through, wow yourself with o.m.g insights and then burn them.
F.Y.I. i once knew a Leo who wrote a diary strictly for in case she became famous and biographers needed something to trawl through – it was full of name dropping, profound thoughts and multiple orgasms. I think she lost interest when everything turned digital in the 90s but it was a piece of work for a while there.
But what does everyone else think Stray Sagittarius should do with her Pluto diaries???
Image: Kunstfabrik – Society 6