Feng Shui Your Wallet

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Feng Shui Your Wallet is now posted on the Weekly Horoscopes page!  It seems simple but it WORKS. And honestly, in this Zap Zone environment, we need all the extra magic & moxy we can lay our cute paws on, right?

Sorry it is up later than i said it would be – being a Fuqed Up Clueless Whore and Psuedo-Intellectual Astro Bitch is more demanding than you might think.

For instance, because it is obviously beyond me to estimate my own daily movement and calories etc, i have a Nike Fuel Band. It’s genius. Especially if you do sedentary work or are studying a lot and want to ensure you don’t blimp.

But often when I look at it, i am reminded of the scene in In Time when Justin Timberlake loses his mother because her time runs out and then i think of Proust.  And of course Justin Timberlake’s Midheaven is conjunct Proust’s Pluto so he (Timberlake) would be drawn to Proust + Proust’s generation of thinkers. They also have strong Neptune-Moon links between them. I get that most people would not think to connect Justin Timberlake with Proust but this is the preserve of Pseudo-Intellectual Astro-Bitches and it is also SO OBVIOUS when you think about it.

You think?

Justin Timberlake IS Proust.  Somebody write the script proposal and option it please.  And here is the Fuel band. Heaven for obsessive-compulsive Mars/Moon in Virgo type peeps and/or Capricorn self-trackers.

Top Image:  Andy Warhol

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78 thoughts on “Feng Shui Your Wallet

  1. Yes! Thanks, Mystic. :)

    I assumed your dual duties of FUCW and PIAB demand much of your time. However, I believe you when you say it’s more than I could imagine.

    Now: my wallet!

    • YES – Fuqed Up Clueless Whore and Pseudo Intellectual Astro Bitch are completely gender neutral terms David. I feel like we should do something Eminem style with this.

  2. I have Mars in Aquarius so i can’t even wear a heart rate monitor – makes me feel like i’m being tracked by aliens!

    • Lol, they wouldn’t work on us anyway.

      We were giving pedometers at work to encourage us to walk more. Mine would either fall off or start ticking numbers even when I wasn’t moving. Aqua rising + loaded 11th.

    • lolol fishgirl. Mars in 8th house Aqua, maybe that’s why I have urges to overthrow any form of tracking device. What is some gadget to tell ME how to live?!

  3. Well I *was* reading Shi(f)t happens and writing out an exercise philosophy….

    Guess I’m researching wallets now 😀 Mine are red, but then all my accessories are red – that way they all match ….

    Love these tips – will let you know if they work !!

  4. *Tapping foot impatiently* I was asking for UNIFORMS earlier, hello? Or perhaps a PIN? I vote the Eye of Horus for PIABs in all black, and a pink sparkly blinged out version for FUCW, who naturally will misspell it as the I of Whorus. Let’s TRADEMARK this damn thing already, patent pending across the MULTIVERSE and make buckloads of filthy lucre.

    And in case, no one’s noticed, I have now ADAPTED Wrasser-Face’s Cap Technique, guaranteed to set GUTENBERG into restless turning in his INKY grave.

    I am SO into branding this that I am about to speed dial the FORUM to reserve summer space for the infamous FUCW vs PIAB Roller Derby-stravaganza, whilst madly designing outfits featuring as much TASTEFUL Camel Toe as possible. Ooooh, something tells me Lady Gaga will make an appearance.. thrill!!

    • Hey sometimes i use caps too. I know it’s not etiquette and i’m sorry but NOT enough to stop any time soon.

      Uniform note: I would like the skirt to sit at the hips so that my bling bling g string can be seen… featuring the I of Whorus.

      • “Uniform note: I would like the skirt to sit at the hips so that my bling bling g string can be seen… featuring the I of Whorus.”

        I read that as I am the Whorus lol

      • Oh, Mille we ALL use caps, but it comes across better when one is not foaming at the mouth haha..or er..sober :)

        I’m already doing Ebay postings selling off your Bling Bling I of Whorus G String to wealthy pervs across the land, the marketing possibilities are endless here!!!

    • Looking forward to the Roller Derby stravaganza, those TASTEFUL uniforms sound super hot! Can’t wait!!

    • I wanna get IN on the I of Whorus action! Reckon it’ll be a hoot!

      As for caps.. they’re merely emphasis if used correcty and I’ve taken to doing some myself of late. See no issue if it’s not the whole blurb so to speak and better than what I saw a few minutes ago on my Etsy (and there is some great stuff there but..) which was liKe all wRitteN in tHis kinD of eMPhaSIS and iT DiD mY heAd in a litTle!!!!!

      • haha.. SE, I was watching a rerun of View from the Top with Mike Meyers going, You put the wrong EmphASSis on the wrong SYLLable.

        It does make you go a bit insane.

    • Merchandising!

      The FUCW “I of Whorus Bling Bling G String” aka The Wedgette: Ancient crack? Nuh-uh – trend your derriere up with this bejeweled wonder of all the ages and employ the power of Hathor’s Mighty Hindsight. Cleo would be SO jealous.

      Sold in rose, gold, carnelian and lapiz, batteries not included.


      The Sir FUCW 24K Solid Gold Business Card, a must for every Savvy, Stately, Sexy Man-o-Whorus. Leave your enemies choking in a trail of gold dust as they squint to read your name in hieroglyphics. You’re not clueless, they are!

      The subtly designed aerodynamic curve & the secretly hidden blades of the Man-O-Whorus card means it also doubles as an awesome shuriken, perfect for slaying, string cutting and mincing meat.

      Now, pricing?

      • FA, that’s … no words. you need to get involved in some kind of next-dimension marketing company. you are the copywriter, obvs. plus whatever else your venus in leo requires (I assume.) 😉

      • haha.. well the dimension I’m in right now is yick plastics but I’m hoping MM will set up a Zap Zone Shop of Ethical Products.

        I actually wish these products existed, can you imagine???

  5. Well if I already had a couple of $100 bills, I wouldn’t need to feng shui my wallet. I am trying to make it to Friday, payday, on $8. If my Montblanc wallet wasn’t so tattered, I could sell it. I paid $200 for it back in 1996. Now it costs $450.

    I’ll feng shui my wallet right now, in front of everyone. Let’s see what’s in my wallet.

    Money: $0.00, money compartment empty.

    3 library cards. I can probably remove one, I owe $8.50 in fines and can’t check anything out until I pay it. That might be a while. I’ll use the other library.
    Art supplies store discount card. Gone.
    My university ID from 1996. It’s only useful for faking grad student discounts at art museums out of state that don’t recognize the ID is expired. Haven’t been out of state in 5 years. Gone.
    Drivers license. Stays..
    My health insurance card. Stays. Probably not worth keeping, I have the “never pays for anything” insurance policy.
    My food stamps card. Balance $4. Damn I’m broke.
    ATM card. Only $4 in there.

    Okay, some cards. Let’s see..

    2 doctor’s appointment cards that have already passed. Gone.
    The phone number for calling in sick to work, on a folded Post-It. I never call in sick to work. I just got that new number today. I’ll put that number in my phone. Gone.
    Appointment card for my next haircut. Vitally important, must stay.
    A card for a free cup of coffee at the cafe I hate that they gave me because they screwed up my coffee yet again. I think I’ve been carrying that for over 2 years. Gone
    Business card for my lawyer. Stays.
    Business card for the local Chief of Police. That is a “courtesy card,” a Get Out Of Jail Free card. You leave that where the officer would find it first, if he handcuffed you and looked in your wallet for ID.

    Oh hey, something’s in the secret compartment. It’s a post it note with a date and a location where I worked in 2008. Gone.

    Nope, there’s still no money in there.

      • Leo ascendant. I was talking to my hair stylist a few months ago, I told her I was calculating all my major expenses: Rent, utilities, food, haircuts.. that was about it.

        • Oh, well done, me.

          I was just testing my reading comprehension skills. The “vitally important” was the tip off. : )

          Lead followed, with a basil leaf placed in wallet and purchase of Stella McCartney red vegan wallet pending, to be purchased when Feng Shui kicks in and $$ manifests.

          I must say just a few weeks ago I tried Mystic’s tip of cleaning the oven and ka – ching next day delivery of free lance gig.


          Let’s write in when results show.

          • Well, that and me yammering about my hair all the time is a dead giveaway.

            Now personally, I prefer Montblanc Meisterstuck leather wallets and other goods. They are made of top-grain calfskin from only the most innocent calves, and sewn by expert craftsmen under the watchful eye of stern German taskmasters, using the finest stitches that can be produced with tiny sewing machine needles that are magnetized by rubbing them gently across the Spear of Destiny.

            I will show you an item I covet, the Meisterstuck Single Gusset Briefcase. It is a most impractical briefcase, but staring into its deep, dark black leather is like looking into the abyss.


            Actually, there is one thing I covet more than this luxury briefcase: a lifestyle where owning this sort of object would be considered normal.

            Now where did you read Mystic giving tips about cleaning your oven? I missed that. Does it apply to self-cleaning ovens? I have heard a similar Japanese urban legend that cleaning your bathroom will change your luck. I don’t know if that works. I tried it, I cleaned my bathroom for a whole day, but I ran out of hydrochloric acid so I didn’t quite get it as clean as I would have liked. My luck seems unchanged.

            • Charles, that’s hot. Not the oven or the Meisterstuck briefcase (If I had to invest in some kind of document carrier I would buy this http://shop.ilbisonte.com/au/briefcase-mission-natural_D0287XXPXXUXX120XX.html or this http://shop.ilbisonte.com/au/envelope-dossier-cognac_A0631XXPXXUXX214XX.html )

              But, your description of the making of the products: It could be my cap moon, but it made me a bit weak kneed. Workmanship with help from the mythical dimensions, now THAT’s design

              • Just viewing your leather goods makes me feel soft and unstructured. Even the men’s collection is all rounded edges and curves. I feel like I could put a Wall Street Journal in it, and when I took it back out, it would be a paperback romance novel. Now look at that Meisterstuck briefcase. Edges so crisp they could be used as a weapon. Cast stainless steel fittings like that clasp, it looks like you’d cut your fingers just trying to open it. A squarish strap that will cause permanent shoulder injury from prolonged use. The silky jacquard lining, that’s the same as in my wallet, I enjoy sticking my fingers in it and feeling the sensation of it brushing past my fingertips, even when there isn’t one single dollar in there. And that smooth, deep black leather, it’s the blackest leather I ever saw. It’s so black, it sucks light right out of the room.

                • nooo no no. Maybe I’ve spent too long banging my hipbone or knee on some overloaded laptop bag: The thing with the Il Bisonte gear is that it ages perfectly; it’s the sort of thing that your grandchildren give to their children. The leather becomes burnished, with a patina that only be earnt by the finest materials! Bags mould to one’s hands, there are no abrasive corners to damage delicate fabric or fine suiting. It wears in, not out 😉

            • Charles,

              I cannot remember when I read about the oven – long time lurker, first time poster (well, the last couple of days anyway).

              So I did not know about you talking about your hair before, although my Venus in Leo can appreciate.

              Nice turn of phrase you have but leather?

              Say it ain’t so!

    • Thanks, Charles! Cleaning my wallet was not half as much fun (I do it all the time) as cleaning yours.

  6. well it makes sense to me to connect JT & Proust.

    I had an experience today where there is a river, getting bigger, between me and some peeps in my day-to-day life – our morals are at complete opposing sides of the river and there’s no way to cross over (or maybe I don’t want to: I’m mutable, but also fixed). Is this a symptom of the zap zone astro?

    There’s a film, Nicole Kidman with a hybrid (cute) accent and Sean Penn with deeply full-on haunting issues – something about politics and the UN, translating and hearing secrets … anyhow, there was a great African analogy about people finding there is a river between them, dividing them, and they can’t cross to the other person. .. that’s the kind of thing this astro reminds me of . If I could only be more precise, i just know it’d be more beautiful to share with you all.

      • I read somewhere that the average Australian spends $45k on Lotto tickets over 25 years – I figure NOT buying lotto for 25 years is the same as winning $45k 😆

        On a slightly more serious note, I always take it as a bad sign that I am buying lotto tickets. I see it as a sign of helplessness in the face of the Universe ie: I cannot make my own way, I must rely on blind luck and remote chances. Not good. Sigh.

        • Niether is Natal neptune in the 5th in sagi, but its wonderful for music, id rather that than moneys any days.. I played lotto here like twice, a few scratch tickets for friends for there birthdays. Other than that, i rarley try to get lucky. I can barley do the mundane tasks with a smile and a cappy 6th, but its always done at least. Im just not focused enough to say hey tonights jackpot is a kazillion let me not forget to pick up a ticket. Neptune always makes me forget. :)

        • Buying lotto tickets can be fun though. I only buy them a few times a year, since you’ll never win if you never play, but if you’re fated to win, you’ll will with that once or twice a year ticket purchase.

          Needless to say, I have never won, but my friend did pick up $1000 from a ticket she got on her birthday.

  7. Anyone else needing extra rest during the zz?

    (Apologies for my writing in above comment up there, if poor expression offends anyone … ) :)

    eat well, sleep, hydriate, stay away from jerks! (ZZ strategy.)

    • Extra rest? Yes, absolutely.

      My bed/nest is my new favourite hang-out at the moment. Although that might have something to do with the colder weather at the moment as well.

    • I was actually going to comment on the sleep issue a few days ago, but never did in the wake from the explosion in far more interesting comments. But, YES, there were a freakishly large number of people in my circle of friends who all reported sleeping excessively this past weekend. All of them, interestingly, had a lot of Libra in their charts, so I chalked it down to Venus stationary (and Saturn in Libra stationary).

      • I agree, my Sun is in Libra. Venus, being the ruler of Libra and being retro about to go direct, and Saturn being the task master of Libra about to go direct ..
        I had such a large amount of sleep and rest that I felt like I was off my face healthy! :)

  8. I never keep credit cards, nor receipts and papers, and just last week, two people commented on how nice it looks.

    (I’m all 2nd house)

    Think I’ll try the three note trick, test the water.

  9. Ill say, i did learn something about the excahnge of money being energy, but suzie orman i cannot stand, except for her candidness. I think she is just a sheep hearder, im sorry. And all the tricks and this powder and this stone, juuuust doesnt here at least in america, make the fed, stop stealing from us or the IRS stop. Or the debt callers stop calling, (not that im in these situations)

    i just see these as a distraction… You wanna have more money? Fairly take it to the streets, aint no potion in my opnion gonna help. How about feng shui your revolution? Your protest? Your refusal to give into these international cabals?

    Neptune is transiting my 8th now and told me to beware of illusionary prospects, this is great to do when your country is wealthy. But i just dont see it working here.

    • Maybe im a newbie with the herbs and the stones, but if these things really worked and have been around for eons. Why are so many people hurting right now? The rocks should have helped by now is all im saying, i just dont see the universe would make something that we have to go seek and hide from eachother for basic survival.

      • Hey no i totally get what you’re saying but this is why it is important ( a la the article) to spend your every cent wisely. If we only give our $ to companies whose work we admire, it is a start. Consumers have a hell of a lot more power than we think.

        Do you think, for instance, that cruel factory farming would continue, if people just stopped buying it for even a week?I know it is hard to think like this when governments are being unfair though….

        • Yes, i have been noticing that with mars retro in virgo in the second, so i know the universe… ( im feeling…feeling……) does want us to have money or else mundane mars in virgo would not be so on time, making me stretch things i never thought i could stretch.

          Im sorry, i had a flash back of my friend who was into santaria, and he killed a pidgeon one day, and had all these shrines in his house, amulets. It just has scared me ever since, not that it could be real, but that so much time could be wasted doing spells.

          Sorry for the knee jerk reaction. – i just really dont want my people- and u know what i mean by that, being led by those type of things for change, i want us to go outside and change it. Me to, yes there are good luck charms, and energy stones. I dunno i just get totally bats when i think that.

          My ex also who was cuban put my shoes by the door when he wanted me to come home i opened the door every pair was there. Its just well im sure its not like you havent run into me before in someone else.

          If its like explaing astrology to a sun sign skeptic, i deeply apologize. I just get kinda scared between the diffence of magic and witchcraft with the intent to harm..

          • Well as long as none of this leads to us killing birds or keeping bats blood in my wallet, i guess its worth a try. :) ill just end up with some nice stones which are very beautiful in there own right, im not gonna do it for money, but for me to be able to be freeer to be myself with and to help more people with it if i do.

            & just two weeks ago I was at this spritual store on christopher street, with capricorn friend of mine and he got a stone, one for capricorn a metallic look, and one orange and grey speckled to help him with his break up, i did figure this is possibly anichent medicine, i think thats a easier way for me to process it, i didnt tell him to buy it. I was just going in for the familiarity smell and comfort. As i purchased some scent sticks there and books in my early 20s.

        • agreed. We do have the power! If everyone could stop supporting corrupt corporations would be the start of a bloodless Velvet Revolution, perhaps this one can be called the Green Revolution?

  10. OMG – totally worked for me as when I read your post i remembered i already had stashed some cash away ages ago in a similar feng shui expedition and had forgotten about it LOL – score! :) Thanks Mystic!!

    And shout out to Kim Falconer, I re-read her money mojo thing last week and had a paradigm shift worth more than money! I really loved that e-book, thanks so much!!!

  11. Are they pubes poking out over the top of Justin’s jeans? Or is it just particularly stringy underpants, as the hairs seem to go all the way around to his left hip? I’m squinting at the screen but just can’t make it out. Or maybe this is a Fuqd Up Clueless Whore moment? Actually, I was told to go swivel on my mother’s punash last week, by some lovely female innocent on the bus aged about 12 – I think it may be a Hindi word, but I’m not sure. “Excuse me, but is that a Hindi word?” “You FUCW!”

    • I think they are – amazing powers of observation Min! But now my eyes are distracted from the beauty of his amazing upper bod! Thanks!

  12. Sorry, I will re-write:

    “You FUCW!” She would have replied. Not me saying it.

  13. OH I LOVE the feng shui your wallet info you put up mm… thank you so much… was looking at a beautiful handmade? wallet from “elk” … but in the meantime till i find the perfect receptacle of golden coin i might renovate and feng up the old one, it is red, it is handmade and it is kangaroo skin…. and Im gonna try some of your suggestions….

  14. Yes, I am diggin on it too. Going to give it a try minus a new purchase as I do like my current wallet.

    What to do with all the cards?!?!

    A sign of our times in the so called cashless society and I also have to get my head around having that much cash in my wallet and leaving it around work… like bait or temptation that will telepathically call in those who come from lack… aaarrgghh.. this one will test me no end but I might just start with one green and see it it stays. We do come up against the odd theft and we don’t have lockers etc and maybe that ‘s buying into my fear but what I actually mean is that I do value my cash.

    Miscellaneous crap in a wallet.. yup, agree it should be exterminated.

    • I was going to ask about the cards … and being cashless. Particularly bc new platforms like Square will let people (including small business owners, artisans, craftswomen) take payment for things electronically.

      So, I removed the credit cards (other people’s money) but kept my debit card (my money, just digital). Also thinking I’m gonna let go of the $2 bill I’ve had forever (supposed to be lucky … but wondering if it’s just a symbol of a *really* outmoded money paradigm). Will work on getting the $100 notes as soon as I’m more liquid.

      Swapping my newly tattered Sonic the Hedgehog wallet for a pretty, pinkish pearlesque one that I bought a few months ago. Definitely grabbing the basil. And this morning I’d planned to take one of my power stones with me anyway … so into the wallet it goes.

      We shall see!

      Thanks Mystic (and everyone for having the balls / courage / gumption / open-mindedness to share). This community is so supportive, and really, really something I’m grateful to be a part of. :)

      • So, feng shui’d the wallet and lost track of the debit card TWICE today. Now I realized that I actually left it an event (accidentally) on the other side of town. Wonder if that’s a sign …

  15. Loving these money posts. With everything retro I’ve curbed any and all spending – unless it’s a necessity. Was looking forward to the end of Venus retro but here comes Merc. Looks like a little while longer.

    I’ve been in the market for a new wallet for a while (the old one feels like it’s lost its spark). Have done the 3 chinese coins since the late 80’s and it works. Will be changing the notes I carry to $100 though and see what happens.

  16. Even my OCD wallet needed a little tweeking.
    Not so sure about the 2 or 3 $100 notes – if you loose your wallet or it’s stolen that would SUCK! I personally would be less inclined to break one if it wasn’t there in the first place.
    I don’t waste my money on crap, and prefer to be disciplined and save-up for one or two spectacular things of beauty per year – like my crystal skull collection (one on the way as we speak from a brilliant carver in Beijing)
    I added a tiny raw diamond, ruby, sapphire and emerald (as Aussie money is colourful) to my other luck charms and will see how that goes!

  17. Ok so I am too busy feng-shui-ing my empty bank account to resub and actually read what the wallet instructions are, but if they include keeping 2 or three $100 notes in there…..!?!? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA

    *ahem* sorry. I really will try. I phoned the Department of Parking Fines today to set up a payment plan for $176 of fines from March-April, unfortunate incidents both of them… so I think I might need to bypass the big note option for now. Will see what else I can do. I think the Money-Cake is still in my oven at the moment.

    cleaning the oven, well that’s something I can try for free innit.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I shall return to contemplating whether I have to hock my excellent and covetable shoe collection / collection of (beautiful) party clothes / my car / divine / almost-new dining chairs. *rebels against the notion*

    • for the record, I haven’t actually been shopping since February this year, unless snorkelling gear counts. Well, snorkelling’s free once you have the gear isn’t it… am a Piscean living by the ocean after all.

      • I just watched this video which scared me out of anything but shallowest of snorkles.

        This guy was doing it in deep water with some fellows and recording, and a current started agianst the island rowing him down. I mean I never thought bubbles could float down!?! That is the scariest thing to me being sucked into some deep abyss of murky water..

        He panicked at went up quick after a more experienced diver rescued him, but went up to fast he was so panicked he didnt want understand he is gonna get the benz if he doesnt go back down, how to balance sense with sheer terror and go back down.

        Wont ever be doing that ever…

        One of my fav movies of all time is the Abyss though, so App for my scorpmoon. lol..

        • hey, yes I read about this recently. Some indonesian dive instructor was writing about his experience of it, scary stuff!! You can get strong downward currents that swoosh off coral atolls and similar. Awareness is the key – yes, watching what the bubbles are doing! He was diving at around 10-15m, not snorkelling, and managed to escape being dragged down to 30m+ by grabbing onto the coral wall that was fortunately within reach. I read that he went up by “climbing” the wall while being showered with silt, bits of rock and coral, crazy. It wouldn’t stop me from diving but if I was at a site that mght have that kind of risk, i’d be super careful.

  18. Does anyone think this control over oneself is out of control?
    Honestly, if you read all of this and then try to apply, do you not get overwhelmed?
    As even Mystic herself appears to be confessing to in this post.
    Horoscopes are fine tools but obession is required to make all these ‘tips’work. And we don’t all have international access, interns, apparently some $ (enough to consider looking at all the finer things displayed here),
    and sin’t it all piling up to the point where trying to apply everything is an unachievable life goal ?
    Just saying – all this advice and the soul from whence it stems is admirable and aspirational – but ZAP ZONE is going to open your eyes so wide, your hitherto existence had better have been preparing for –
    no hot water,
    persons of threat,
    bank account/super defunct
    TV Just a prior hallucination
    pandemics where your loved ones have gone
    electricity, luxury, over
    travel essential or not an option
    iconic landscapes blown to smithers.

    Yes, the end is nigh
    No, I’m not a fanatic. Really. No agenda)
    It might not be tomorrow
    but life as we know it is going to be very fucked if we think we will still have this internet even.
    Mystic is giving us the drum but there’s little idea of how your Bondi Beach lipstick fantasies are no longer a viable future option.
    I’ve seen it.
    It’s not that a new way can’t be forged –
    and it’s not about being depressed or scared.
    But the end of luxury is coming.
    If you don’t get it – check
    ‘Rome – history – last emperors – hoards – Dark Ages – Western Europe – starvation – warfare – Justinian – Plague – Dark Ages – religion without redemption –
    Dark Ages
    The good news is – all renews and is restated and evolves.
    Are you ready?
    Someone has to to keep a spark to ignite an enlightment.
    Do give up your day job.
    There are no more The Voice opportunities.
    This is going to be real
    Are you ready
    Bless You
    if you understand.

  19. Thanks so much for Feng Shui Your Wallet. When I came across it it was like a message from the cosmos just for me. The purse I was using was unbelievable: hideous, broken and stuffed full of receipts and other crap, almost everything but actual money! Yet I had a gorgeous red wallet sitting in the drawer; bought it a few years ago but had a purse-obsessed baby at the time and it wasn’t babyproof. Went straight away and sorted it out… all except the $100 notes… come payday will give that a try too.