Have you seen these Missoni Horoscope Bags?
They came out a while back and I have been entertaining myself with reading the comments on the websites that sell them. So far they have sold out of all signs bar Aquarius, Sagittarius and Capricorn.
Leo’s adore them, thrilled to bits with the colour and I assume the opportunity for Leo brand display. Libran’s are ticked off that the fabric is, apparently, of poor quality. Pisces loves the dreamy colour and ability to cart around loads of junk. Gemini’s are divided, but don’t really care that much. Scorpio’s are also divided but intensely so. Cancer loves the beautiful coral colour because it brings back memories of summer, the beach, that time they went scuba diving etc.
The other signs have yet to comment. Maybe Aries can’t be stuffed giving feedback and Virgo doesn’t have enough character space to say what they really think. Not sure about Taurus?
So I get why Capricorn isn’t into them. It is an upmarket brand, true, but I’m thinking canvas would not be their fabric of choice for a bag. However I’m a bit baffled by Sagittarius and Aquarius. It’s bohemian, colourful and gives them the perfect opportunity to proudly announce that they won’t be needing that hideous, atmosphere infecting, toxic plastic bag for their groceries. Ethical gripes with the company? No fixed address to have it sent too?
I thought about buying one, but then I remembered the irritating reaction that the announcement of my sun sign status elicits. “Ooooh, you’re a VIRGIN”. Yes, yes I am and so is the other 1/12 of the population that happened to be born in the same period. We are all virgins…forever. Charlie Sheen? Not the real baby daddy. Beyonce? Immaculate conception. Allah’s martyr gifting stash? That’s us!
The Supportive Virgo”
Dear Supportive Virgo,
Oh well, i’m seeing them now. Thank you. Weird. Thank you for your astro-analysis of the Horoscope Bag Reviews & all – good work but i am not getting these bags. I thought Missoni stood for (a) super exclusive knitwear and (b) Fabulous of Fabulosity Missoni It-Girl articles in which they waft about their Italian mansions, talking about integrity and their simple lifestyles…These don’t seem anything spesh design-wise and well, WHAT am i missing here?
Besides, the bags should all be totally different. Not just different colors. I mean really.
Let’s do how the bags should REALLY be if somebody wasn’t in a carb-coma or attempting to fill the gap in the astrological supermarket bag market. These are just off the top of my head, not prescriptive nor exhaustive, obviously.
Aries would be like a red, neon lightening bolt thing. It would need to be able to be used as a weapon, if necessary.
Taurus would have to be big, bulky with some official bling going on and secret velvet tassles and squishy velvet covered bubble wrap on the inside for them to fondle, they’re so tactile.
Gemini – completely reversible and then some. You turn it inside out to create a totally different bag. It would have a g.p.s, podometer and E.m.f. detector built in to it.
Crab-Peeps – well i am thinking tapestry, macrame, some distressed denim and a hint of broderie anglaise. It would smell of antique patchouli, old classic first edition Gothic romance novels and crushed gardenia. There would be a kind of paper-mache at the bottom made up of the all the old decomposing love letters and items of significance. Maybe some feathers.
Leo: A fuq-off designer that Non-Leos are not yet ON to but whom the Leo knows. Or has discovered. Or is sleeping with. But more important is the Leo hair-beauty case inside it. I know a Leo who was so disgusted when she realised a woman she knew had a powder compact with a cracked mirror in it and “did not care” that she stopped talking to the friend.
Virgo – Compartmentalised and with such items as needle/thread, Swiss Army Knife, emergency chocolate, Rescue Remedy, batteries, phone charger and breath freshener.
Libra: There is the bag Libra HAS to have, like what is appropriate and the bag Libra secretly wants; like something a working-it porn star would have to go on location. A fringed sequinned designer tote bag with writing all over it and an unbelievable array of lip glosses, flavoured body gunk, erotic fiction, magical marshmallows that burn calories the more you eat and several different mobile phones.
Scorpio – Because they know and respect what Freud said about the handbag being symbolic of your vagina, Scorpios tend toward very small, neat and elegant bags. They don’t like anything that looks like you could put a lot of stuff into it or a bag that looks scuffed.
Saggo: Bag? They’ve got like sports bags, tennis bags, laundry bags, carry-ons and maybe some luggage but Saggo’s actually WOULD like the Missoni Horoscope Bags above because that’ s how they roll, as happy with a flash bag as with some eco-thing from the supermarket.
Capricorn – Either no bag because they have pockets and a bag would destroy their elegant, architectural lines or a bag that somehow conveys schooling, tradition, prestige and respect…perfect taste.
Aquarius: who needs a hang bag when you have a pocket-sized Dark Matter Machine?
Pisces- the bag policy changes every few months as the Pisces reinvents and thus issues a new policy dictate. Ever since Uranus went into Aries, Pisceans are all going bats for brilliant new wallets, that they feel are symbolic of prosperity and belief in oneself. Some of them even have talismans and spells in the wallet, for extra magical oomph.