The Astrological Bad Sex Awards

Jon Hamm sex scene BridesmaidsBridesmaids

Oh how i love this film and doesn’t Jon Hamm just totally NAIL a certain kind of guy?

Anyway, it’s time for the inaugural Astrological Bad Sex Awards.

All you  have to do is relay an anecdote involved bad sex and with the signs and/or transit involved.

Pluto transits are renowned for general merde but with usually good sex;  it’s odd.

I tend to attribute bad sex phases to Saturn (spreadsheets, dieting, budgeting, worrying don’t make even a Virgo orgasmic) but you never know, Neptune can derange peeps enough.

Keep it clean please: i don’t want search engines deeming  me a smut site.

The prize for having to amusingly recall such an occasion and the astro of it is – yes – an eternal subscription to Mega Mystic…so you get the need-to-know Daily Mystic email, the Daily Horoscopes, the Weekly Horoscopes, the Oestro-Medusa monthly horoscopes AND access the annoyingly accurate online Oracle.

So please share…

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Shiv
Shiv

My worst sex was my first. Duh. It was with a taurean man, which is so not compatible with Sagittarius anyway. Anyway, he was a terrible kisser, kept bumping his teeth against mine, then he started to use his fingers on my little one, extremely aggressively. Thankfully (?) he finished that in a matter of about one minute, without even caring if I had come or not and decided to use his tounge. The start was okay, extremely average but I was glad to have some relief from the finger bashing. Unfortunately it immediately became a jackhammer sensation ramming me,… Read more »

Odette-in-Libra
Odette-in-Libra

Is anyone else thinking after reading this thread that universal sex education should be mandatory for all humans? (And by sex-ed, I do not mean pregnancy & STD prevention). If nothing else, it would give us all desperately-needed standards at an early age.

(That’s got to be the multiple virgo planets talking – already they’re imagining a curriculum, tests, troubleshooting cheat sheets… while my Libra nature wanders off in search of a dreamier, rose-tinted lens)

Triple Air Gem
Triple Air Gem

I’m with you Odette. Let’s teach everyone about the finer points of relating. Something at least as a balance to all the p*rn that dudes are watching which is producing all the “jackhammering” going on out there! Worst sex ever was with this guy who was very pretty and uber cool or so I thought at the time. Had his own fashion label and was minor celebrity/friends with major Aussie celebrity. He had grown up in the Children of God sect (WTF!?!). All of which I only discovered years later through odd synchronicity with mutual friend… bizarre I met him… Read more »

spaced out pisces
spaced out pisces

Mars in aries and male and not wham bam bam at all, although I do like that in a women.

Mooncat
Mooncat

What kind of sexual energy would a Virgo Sun, Taurus Rising and Moon in Leo type have? I wonder…

I believe Pisces men have a harder time sexually while Piscean women certainly dont. Maybe.

Glow
Glow

As Pisces sun woman, I’m fantastic in bed (lol, of course, eye roll) but have had pretty much bad experiences so far. I’m 23. I don’t blame my Pisces for an unfulfilling sex life, but i do think my sensitivity exacerbates the whole thing. I took the bad experiences to heart. I have had a Pisces man who was my friend try to get me into bed, it s confusing because he actually started it by saying he wanted to cuddle. He wanted to cuddle first, that was his foreplay. Maybe that could be normal in some situations, but this… Read more »

Glow
Glow

This guy was older too, around 30.

Brenda
Brenda

Omg, I loved reading everyone’s stories. 🙂 First off, I’ve got a cancer sun, leo moon, and an aries rising. And I am fantastic in bed and out. 😉 Just had to get that straight because I’ve heard a lot of bad talk about cancer’s sexually. Anyhow… My worst experiences were all with Pisces with the exception of one leo… No idea about the astrological goings on at the time, it was a long while ago and I never can keep track of these things. Pisces dude number one, never got past a kiss… and it was the grossest kiss… Read more »

andromeda
andromeda

My Venus/Sat conj. inhibits me from sharing on the spider-web but I will say I give a thumbs up to Cancer for endurance, a thumbs down to Leo for selfishness and I was so pleased with a Gemini I bought the Stellium Gem package.

This was a VERY funny thread! *applause all round* 😀

Glow
Glow

Ive never really had great sex! So, bleh!! I had okay sex with the boy I lost my virginity to, but that was below average, quick teenage sex. Multiple bad sex partners followed that. Leo jackhammer might as well have been masturbating, cancer turned into a petrified log…etc… Bleh… Someday, someday.

What to blame this on astrologically?? Well Chiron in the 7th is no fun at all.

numoon
numoon

“Leo jackhammer” Oh shit, have met one of THOSE during a particularly grueling pluto transiting to natal nep in the 7th. Also nep was transiting my natal mars and merc in 9th. (pushed over by a friend an not able to shout at them, because they are a friend right!? ) This LeoJackHam made rude corny sound-bites like he was speaking-in-tongue-porn star – (you know the ones with bad lighting and pasty skin?) whilst drilling away – trying to rub off his hardness for what seemed like hours wtf? (Made a horrible mess all over my clothes eventually too) I… Read more »

The Leo Socialite
The Leo Socialite

Satin is polyester.

Once you get that straight in your head everything else in your life falls into place sweetie.

corny sound bites LOL thank god my g vibe does not talk

numoon
numoon

LOL am imagining your g vibe yelling out “Come Motherfuqer!!”

(Ahem, of course satin is sleezy poly – this is no biodynamic 1000-thread cotton dream-boat scenario, hence tis not a fond one 😉 )

Glow
Glow

My Leo jackhammer NEVER CAME. I slept with him for 4 or so months and HE NEVER CAME. It was horrible. One time he made a passing comment about how he could only come with whips and chains, though he never tried any of that with me. Though once he did try to show me a video online someone doing something bloody to their penis…I don’t want to think about it… Oh my god… It was probably to test the waters. Holy shit…. I am just realizing how horrible the whole thing was. I was on drugs and had been… Read more »

Odette-in-Libra
Odette-in-Libra

Love makes you crazy, Glow – I’m convinced that this is literally true (have had ample, embarrassing experience of it). If you’re lucky, you’ll find someone who goes crazy with you & who is worthy of your insanity. If you think of “30” as “older” then you’ve got plenty of time – and now you have some good ideas of where to draw the line (no jackhammers, no petrified logs). Just think how lovely it will be when you find someone who makes your head spin *and* knows the steps to the dance! Lots to look forward to. 🙂

MsNoir
MsNoir

Well, not REALLY a square. But it felt like it!

MsNoir
MsNoir

Back in the day -in a previous incarnation- the adventurous euro-girl I was, I emerged as a college student in Miami… (with lots of cocaine all around!) I had a fondness for this certain guy who just happened to be Palestinian… Beautiful boy, not handsome, beautiful, with eyelashes that a girl would kill for, framing his sparkling eyes… but I digress… He, the ultra-rich offspring of a hard-core Muslim patriarch -still in Kuwait- could not have sex unless … sort of married… So in order to have sex, we decide to improvise a little engagement ceremony so as to appease… Read more »

Pegasus
Pegasus

Sex is boring when it’s ‘good’, but great when it’s ‘bad’. Don’t you think the first time was the worst sex?? If you can remember! Sex became a whole lot sexier when men lost their fear of the Yoni, realised it didn’t have teeth, they wouldn’t be stuck there for the rest of their lives and then found out how absolutley delicous it was aka Breakfast of Champions. We have much to thank Hugh Hefner for showing women to themselves, the downside resulted tho’ in comparisons, whereas each yoni is beautiful in her own unique way. Since the ‘Sexual Revolution’,… Read more »

The Leo Socialite
The Leo Socialite

Him: aging italian modelizer with penthouse, cocaine, ennio morricone as seduction music, a ferrari, a good tanned body but grey pubes and reeking of cologne. Me: young, inexperienced model on drugs freaking out he might be an actual fuqing vampire, trying to remember italian word for police (polizia?), also freaking out as he could not come/could barely keep it up and kept trying more and more variations, swearing and getting irritated. It was, a more experienced girl later said, the coke doing it, not my stupidity. So it was a relief when he took a call from his WIFE during… Read more »

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

“ENNIO MORRICONE SEDUCTION MUSIC”???

*normally well-bred young lady squeals like a piglet with insane laughter*

He gave you the finger as you left??? HOLY MO-FO! oh shit, just saw “gray pubes”. I CANNOT BREATHE!

Pegasus
Pegasus

Hey there Millie, when i first saw i had a white hair there, rang
my Aunty & told her, asked her as she was 10 years older, if it
happened to her, her reply was ‘I don’t know, iv’e never looked’
Had this vision of her in the shower washing sweetly between her
legs whilst looking up at the ceiling, whistling & turning her head
from side to side, like ANYWHERE but DOWN.
So now i’m platinum blonde, thanks to lightener, and no it doesn’t sting,
hurt or make you dumb.

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

You are absolutely priceless, Pegasus! Love your stylin’!

Can’t take it as an on-board tip, however, as I’m brunette. Then again, i’ve always had an odd sense of humour.

confusedcap
confusedcap

Gawd, my leo ex husband – yes despite alarm bells ringing in this department right from the start I still married him. When we first met he was on his way north to work in the northern territory. Long distance romance followed for a couple of months then I organised (bell 1) and paid for (bell 2) a short break for us in a lovely Cairns beach resort. First night together he was transfixed by the tv and I remember well how he sat at the end of the bed watching bloody midnight american football, every now and again glancing… Read more »

Pegasus
Pegasus

Was on my way to marry when i realised i was paying my ticket
o/s. Alarm bells & cancelled. Tight ass-tight heart.
Glad my Cap Venus woke me up.
Sorry to hear about your into ‘partnership’.
I believe in a certain Jewish sect that sex once a week is obligatory.
That makes a lot of sense to me, that’s why there is a CONTRACT,
unfortunatley he didn’t get it, so to speak.

unpredictable pisces
unpredictable pisces

oh no! confused cap – I feel sad for you. And never shared before? Well at least you can unleash a little here…
Have you ever thought about having a chat to someone about how you feel about your self-image now, as a result of that time? I am sure you are far more amazing than you think you are. xxxx

Odette-in-Libra
Odette-in-Libra

What Pisces said.

I hope you find a wonderful, wonderful lover in the next year, confusedcap – and maybe in the meantime, some soul-searching (and trauma healing) would be a good way to prepare your heart for much better experiences in the future. If you haven’t already, it might be good to figure out why you thought your unworthy husband’s delicate feelings were more important than your own – and suffered through 10 years of rejection to prove it.
Wishing you much healing.

Ãœber Virgo
Ãœber Virgo

You poor darl. All jokes aside, please know you weren’t responsible. Possible diagnoses/explanations are that he’s a latent homosexual, or asexual or an abuse survivor or a combo of the above. Not to diminish the pain and difficulty for you, I imagine he’s even more confused than you. I do hope you get to have your share of fun. Über hugs to you.

cetacean
cetacean

This thread has made my day. Just what i needed.

Toro
Toro

shit. gotta fess up. I was probs the worst sex ever for the first time for my teenage (as i was) girlfriend. desperate fast and clumsy. have since (20 years later) had cyber contact and apologised. have had a bit more practice since. thank allah,*cringe*

unpredictable pisces
unpredictable pisces

Bless you for apologising Toro.

Ãœber Virgo
Ãœber Virgo

I wonder if I could get a refund.

Zaiborg
Zaiborg

My worst? – the guy with the ENORMOUS one. Total turn on to look at, but that was it. It was if his giant member should be enough on its own, without having ANY skill or technique. God, it was BEYOND bad… Give me a less endowed man who’s got the moves and the grooves, any day of the week!

Toro
Toro

hahaha “better a master with a dagger than a fool with a sword”

Zaiborg
Zaiborg

LMAO – That’s it exactly! I completely concur, and hence forth add that line to my library of Scorpy witty retorts!

Thanks Toro!

unpredictable pisces
unpredictable pisces

i’m noting here that pisces isn’t getting too much of a mention in the bad sex stakes (- but also HIGHLY aware that pisceans can still be real fuqers in other less flattering senses of the word.!)

Ms.
Ms.

some of my best sex ever is with pisces. as long as their evil stays in the bedroom

pearlchampagne
pearlchampagne

Agree with this, it really does seem to unleash in the bedroom for pisces, but in a mostly good way.

davidl
davidl

Yep, Pisces woman are high on my list. The good list.

nat
nat

Gawd, I come back from a week in La La Land and I can’t believe the horror stories that this thread has uncovered. Is there really that much bad hygiene out there? Sounds like the place is awash with uncut toenails, bad breath and general feral stink. *shudders & gags*

And peeps who go to the shops for a bottle of wine but have a root with someone else instead (poor billy!), incessant orifice poking (poor James!), mid-coitus cab calling (poor Pisces Snake!). Jeezus. Sympathies to all x

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Darling I just popped over to bid farewell/bon road trip to my feral buddy, whose ferality has incensed me so badly i no longer let him in my house…i have made up the craziest excuses, even when he’s been imperiously leaning on the security door buzzer (i’m trying to have a shower, i’m naked AND there’s a small kitchen fire i have to attend to?? 🙂 ) There was a giant wiry pube on the lapel of his coat which i saw just as he was about to hug me farewell! GOOD LORD! Fortunately, the coat lapels were dirty thrift… Read more »

gemyogi
gemyogi

Hmmm, lots of comments re dud Taureans is making me have second thoughts about my latest crush on artist/muso Taurus. But he’s so hot! I’ve noticed though that handsome men are often bad in bed, they just want to lie there and have you “worship” them LOL.

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

I’ve noticed that many comments about certain signs are opposite to my experiences with some people.

Don’t panic! My first complete transportation into absolute JOY was with a Taurean.

gemyogi
gemyogi

Not panicking, just having second thoughts. Which is good, lowering expectations and being nonchalant is often good.

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Hmm..yeah. Through the haze of “crushing” on him, you’ll be alert to all the signs that tell you what he’ll be like with you. God, i hope you have fun, gemyogi.

gemyogi
gemyogi

Thanks mille! Don’t even know if he is ‘taken’ I imagine there are a few groupies in the picture.

But as a 40plus woman, I say ‘crush’ but I mean ‘interest which can easily be turned off if you turn out to be an asshole’…

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

LOVE THAT! Feel rather same.

unpredictable pisces
unpredictable pisces

totally agree with that crush philosophy…he’s hot, until he’s not!

year of the fox
year of the fox

don’t panic yet. Taurus can still be awesome. I’ve had a good one and a crap one.

James
James

Taurus Sun, Taurus rising, Cancer Moon

When we’re good, we’re very very good and when we’re bad we’re horrid.

James
James

Taurus Sun and rising, Moon in Cancer Love this thread – couldn’t sleep so I read the whole thing-found it very catharic – I could see myself on both sides ie. I have been both the dud and the dudded. Have to admit to having on the odd occasion putting on the skates and fleeing in terror. Also saw an old part of myself (and had to chuckle) in Odette-in-Libra’s description of her Librans, I quote – “like they were on a fierce hunt for the orgasm monster & they were going to BAG that sucker.” For me that was… Read more »

candy says
candy says

WORST SEX? WITH A VIRGO MALE , LIBRA RISING. omg .. a nightmare.. though i somehow suspect he is a closet homosexual. which would explain things.. although only a virgo says things like ” eeew i dont understand why anybody would want to have sex more than once a day, cuz then you have to shower over and over?” .. wow, such a chore right.. i never have bad sex so for me this guy stood out.. i always always have wicked sex with geminis. always. thus 90% of my bf’s have been geminis.. i gotta say recently had a… Read more »

year of the fox
year of the fox

yes this was my experience with Virgo with too much Libra in his chart. When we were making out and getting a little sweaty he got grossed out and had to get up and turn on the AC down to 55 deg because he didn’t want to sweat or mess up his long hair. He also shaved every part of his body…i mean..every…part…. He was also greatly upset I had a brazilian because that was still too much hair for him and grossed him out.

Keo
Keo

Hmm. Libra here and guys who shave their bodies gross me out. Also guys who dye their hair -red flag somehow.

rosebud
rosebud

😀 😀 i was trying to explain to my virgo friend that married couples are sort of supposed to have sex everyday. will never forget look of horror ‘eeeeeeevery daay?!’

billyd
billyd

Okay, this is probably more bad lover than bad sex – but is there really a difference? My first live-in love was a Libra with I suspect, Anna Nicole rising. One evening while preparing a dinner that promised to be exceptional, I sent lovely Libra to the pharmacy three blocks away to pick up a bottle of wine. Hours later, Libra had not returned. I called the police, the hospital, etc. Three hours later, Libra appeared. Seems Libra had found temporary love on the way to the pharm. Libra was quite annoyed I hadn’t held dinner and said “well, at… Read more »

Charley
Charley

Worst was an Aqua, he literally just lay in top of my like a plank, totally bizarre. I think I even started laughing it was so odd. I don’t think Aqua and Scorpio is a sex match made in heaven though, totally wrong. Long term Cancer was weirdly all over the place, could be great but could also be terrible I blame the Venus conjunct Saturn, it was like there was all this tension and attraction from other aspects just squashed out cold by that. Had some smouldering moments with other female Scorpios, some wild times with a couple of… Read more »

Ms.
Ms.

plank sex

confusedcap
confusedcap

eeeek! Don’t give all the mad plankers out there any more ideas -_-

rosebud
rosebud

I was WONDERING when someone would call out the aquanators. actually extremely surprised not many people did before.
perhaps the whole concept of getting one to notice your presence on Earth enough is just a big myth? dingbats ve are.

Anonymous
Anonymous

Me scorpio- He scorpio I was very bored at a bar down the road when I was about 20? and this guy was I knew was telling me how he was looking to kink it up a bit etc so I though, alright- lets do this. Failed to tell me his actual problem was that he was just really, really boring and his idea of this was some kind situation befitting more of an hourly rate- the one where you are supposed to be sexy while he barely participates. There must be something to this guy I am thinking?? so… Read more »

nat
nat

Mine is Mitzi Rennick. Yours?

Lexicorn
Lexicorn

Chelsea Hall

nat
nat

Pleased to meet you Chelsea x

davidl
davidl

Ivana Humpalot

nat
nat

You may have a guinea pig called Ivana but you so did not live in Humpalot Drive! Always gilding the lily 🙂

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Saw a cabaret act last year by a country-bred dyke who grew up in Mt Mee.

virgolicious
virgolicious

Trixie Glenn

Ms.
Ms.

cheep vickers!
hows that one

But seriously what are the chances of a guy who has just wasted all opportunity and then erectile disfunction to then announce after my housemate screaming at balls and twat shot that his name is -flopsy olive!-

InchbyInch
InchbyInch

The universe works in mysterious ways, Ms. You are forgiven, by the way, for breaking your promise to him not to laugh.

Ms.
Ms.

it’s his karma for treating me like a service. It was one of my more valuable sex lessons in how some people view ‘girls like you’ 101>AVOID

InchbyInch
InchbyInch

for extra karma, I think Mystic should rename this post the The Astrological Flopsy Olive Awards

QuiteLight
QuiteLight

Brain Limberlost – sounds like a tragic art film porno…

Nene
Nene

ME SCORPIO – HE SCORPIO, TOO!!! I felt like I was Clint Eastwood in the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly and he was Lee Van Cleef AND Eli Wallach rolled up into one!!! (in writing this account I can even hear the freaking theme music to the movie!) Anyways, I was mesmerized because he is a well-known R&B singer (well, back in the day) and I was determined to bed him and the chemistry was outrageous but I couldn’t get past his FUNK! Even after we showered together as “foreplay” because my Virgo Moon just demanded that he washed… Read more »

unpredictable pisces
unpredictable pisces

I prefer to forget the odd bad sex moment. I wasn’t into astro enough to know at the time anyway..

But most sensual has been with Taureans *OMG* and Pisceans.

And a FUQING sexy virgo with Mars in Scorpio.

whatevs
whatevs

the bent penis guy – wtf can you do with a bent one. I took one look at it and said did you jam it in a door? so wrong. no idea what sign. the out of order sign?

unpredictable pisces
unpredictable pisces

hahaha oh dear … sex around corners?

whatevs
whatevs

ha! sorry that’s not meant for you UP my trackpad has me at a disadvantage.

balancing
balancing

I now have a very sexy virgo with mars in scorpio too! mmmmmmmmmmm

perfectpisces
perfectpisces

If I had to choose.. it would be Libra for sure.

perfectpisces
perfectpisces

I hope I’m NOT speaking fast.. but I never had bad sex. Maybe cuz I’m a Pisces 😉

MsNoir
MsNoir

You’re speaking fast.

perfectpisces
perfectpisces

@msnoir… lol. hahahaha..

MsNoir
MsNoir

Bad sex is part of everyone’s repertoire sooner or later! 🙂

year of the fox
year of the fox

Some people take enough drugs and alcohol that they can forget their experiences.

Keo
Keo

(laughing on outside, crying on inside)

year of the fox
year of the fox

aww don’t cry. =) I was just making a general statement, not about anyone in particular.

Keo
Keo

LOL, no offense taken at all – just can relate!

perfectpisces
perfectpisces

@yearofthefox ..I’m going to answer ur general statement.. I am a drug user. BUT I’M AWARE of everything thats going on*.. and while on drugs I had sex 1x and it was w. an aries..

MsNoir
MsNoir

Hi, recreational(?) drug user. 🙂 OF COURSE you’re aware of everything that’s going on! And beyond! In technicolor chiaroscuro distortions, with howling in the background. But why just a count of 1 on the sex front, while under the influence?

perfectpisces
perfectpisces

lol @msnoir… funny. They said when your on certain drugs u were suppose to feel horny.. I always cautious about how others perceived me while I was under the influence..

perfectpisces
perfectpisces

@msnoir… o hell no. lol. not I says the cat.

Ãœber Virgo
Ãœber Virgo

Virgos have plenty of bad sex. We’re never satisfied.

MsNoir
MsNoir

Good for you! Keep the standards high!

Virgo Squared
Virgo Squared

Virgo –> so that explains the bad sex.
The only good sex I have is with myself, lol/cry.

year of the fox
year of the fox

i only have venus in virgo but i can relate!

whatevs
whatevs

you need a mars in virgo – diligent and thorough

Anonymous
Anonymous

🙂

Virgo Squared
Virgo Squared

Is it still counted as bad sex if there is foreplay but you don’t complete the act? He was Leo and his apartment smelt like moth balls. I think he had premature ejaculation but we didn’t talk about it. Awkward. Really, really awkward.

Ruth
Ruth

Come on guys! Worst sex eva HAS to be the FIRST time eh ? Wish I knew knew what to do with that magnificent member back then!! Sighs!!

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

No, I had a great first time. Had him serving me his best liquor as i was underage and couldn’t buy my own, decided i knew what i wanted and got on top. Then of course he drove me home when i had feasted enough, been through the best of his record collection and gotten sober enough to go home to my parents’ place. Oh, you know what? He was an Aquarian.

year of the fox
year of the fox

nope not really. No real pre-conceived notions back then. So if it sucked, i didn’t have enough to compare it to. He was a very experienced Toro almost 12 years my senior and a good friend just showing me the ropes. 🙂

Charley
Charley

No, my first time was awesome and hilarious! He was a Leo, the first of a few.

T
T

My first time was nice! I mean, the earth didn’t move or anything, but I liked him and we had fun. Didn’t know his astro, though.

Inger
Inger

I’ve been thinking, bad sex would be when I was left with this really empty-feeling when done. Sorpio moon in 8th square saturn pluto on 7th cusp saying why did I do that??? When my goal is getting to the trine to venus, ruler of the 8th in the first house.
Bad sex is when I know don’t love ’em anymore and am just trying to keep the peace/piece because it’s the devil I know…

fluidfeline
fluidfeline

Racking my brain for worst ever sex!? Can easily name the best: Aries, Kataka, Scorp, Sagg and of course Aqua. Must be my early realisation of the kiss-test. Thinking waay back, and i hate to admit this but worst ever was a Leo sun/moon guy. It was a performance all for him and he was the only star of the show.

MsNoir
MsNoir

Wait! “a performance all for him and he was the only star of the show” is called masturbation. Your presence was probably incidental.

fluidfeline
fluidfeline

Exactly! Worst ever and a disgrace to us lusty Leos.

leogroover
leogroover

we are not all like that. seriously there has been a lot of Libra dissing but as a lusty leo with mars in Libra I want equality in bed and that is what i find the biggest turn on. yeah baby (
said Austin powers like)

leogroover
leogroover

Poor old Libra’s are copping it and my worst of was one too. His only seductive technique was to get me drunk and then shudder away with a small sluggy thing and then declare afterwards (ie. 2 miutes later) that it was fantastic sex! i did like the chocys and flowers he alwasy bought but it didn’t make up for his complete lack of performance.

best is my current lusty he is a little unreliable but we have that Mars/Venus than that is irrestible.

leogroover
leogroover

I meant Thang

Seabird
Seabird

Pisces. Lost my virginity to him. Would show up drunk and telling me he needed me. I was very young. End of relationship was when I suddenly realised I could do it better by myself. And told him so. He was hideous to me prior to that, really a horrible guy.

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Oh, a Taurus friend spent years verbally seducing me, then one day in my room at my parents’, i turned around and he was suddenly undressed, threw me on the bed and … wow he might have lasted all of a minute. I don’t think I really knew it was happening til it was over! Years later, he would still sneakily mention that time with a smile and wink as though it was some grand passionate affair. He was handsome as hell and men and women swooned over him, but each girlfriend I met had me wondering if she just… Read more »

Seabird
Seabird

Ha ha, there was a guy in the suburb I used to live in, let’s just call him Michael because that;s his name, very good looking in a pretty way, very aware of it, thick as shite, but oh, his reputation preceeded him. What a small willy! All the girls in the suburb knew about it, because the ones that had had the misfortune took it upon themselves to warn off everyone else. Poor guy.

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

“Let’s just call him Michael because that’s his name”…BWAHAHAAAAA! Community service announcement!

year of the fox
year of the fox

If only you could in real life, make one of those floating marquee things appear over people’s heads the way they do in video games…you know those things that give you information when you hover over it or click it.

InchbyInch
InchbyInch

Was just thinking of a guy with a similar problem, let’s just call him Mohamed . . it wouldn’t have been so bad that he was so small except he had this spiel about how he has a Judaic nose, Egyptian eyes, but is North African from the waist down . . . and then after the reveal was so self conscious that he had to exclaim that women prefer thick instead of long anyway (though he was neither). An Aries.

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Oh, there was a Libran who was usually fantastic. But one freezing cold night in a city in Japan he led me in my lingerie to the roof top of his apartment building, handcuffed. Then said, “Hang on a minute,” and cuffed to me to a railing and disappeared for no apparent reason for fifteen-twenty minutes.

davidl
davidl

thats just weird ?

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

It was also freezing cold as it was July (winter in Japan) and windy on the building top.

And weird.

davidl
davidl

The winter in July in Japan is truly weird, god I love Pisces women x

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

oh what said i? such a pisces bimbo!

davidl
davidl

Pisces woman sometimes have this ‘marilyn monroeish’ thing for me, its hypnotic. In a good way.

Ms.
Ms.

hah. I did that to someone once only it was shibari and I went to the shops and had some breakfast

hmmmm also. was very hungover one morning with nice but immature aries guy I shagged once ages ago and could not remember why I did not call him afterwards until the morning. Whilst sleeping he kept poking me and waking me up like a 5 year old. This went on for a while so I tied him up and went back to sleep for a couple more hours

Ãœber Virgo
Ãœber Virgo

I imagine you had to gag him as well.

Ms.
Ms.

yes. with a sock

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

And another was a Leo whose phone rang and, as he was answering it, was genuinely surprised that I stopped him with an outraged “No, you are NOT!” He expected praise for catering to what he perceived as my little quirk.

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Hard to believe but one was a Scorpio. Suddenly became like a two-ton version of himself in bed, ie, too awkward and heavy to move much and preferred to be supine. Also had a tragic seduction manner which made you feel … dirty… like old man dirty not a good raw hot dirty. Cheesy oneliners like the Two Ronnies. Got up immediately to pee, door open, farted loudly and said, “Aaah!”

minniethemooch
minniethemooch

Well, we never actually got to the down and dirty of it, but the bad sex prize (first date)would go to this strawberry blond (ginger) customs official who told me he was on $80K a year, took me out for a fishburger at the local Macky D, then informed me about his glass eye and his only testicle.. i.e. if we wanted to have children, he couldn’t do it. As he dropped me off home in his sad Citroen he pulled his seat back to the horizontal and said ‘Kiss me Now!’ his wispy tache all a tremble. I ran… Read more »

Keo
Keo

Oh, I just choked on my wine.

Pisces Snake
Pisces Snake

I cannot believe I’m sharing this online but mine was with a Leo. He was the bouncer at a bar i worked at. He wooed me as a sort of ego thing, I got drunk enough, went home with him, and while he was still INSIDE me he called me a cab.

I saw him years later while i was running around the park. I couldn’t even bring myself to wave at him even though he grinned at me like Don Hamm in Bridesmaids ‘if you’re lucky, you might get me again’ AAAAAAAGH!

Sorry Mystic that wasn’t very clean lol

Keo
Keo

Ugh what a vile man.

Little Joey
Little Joey

OMG what a creep!!

year of the fox
year of the fox

eeewww. Winning the unlucky lottery. @_@

unpredictable pisces
unpredictable pisces

what a complete C***!!!!!!!!!!!! omg!!!!!!!!

Brenda
Brenda

Holy….

o.o

There are not words for how vile that is.

QuiteLight
QuiteLight

I just gave up all hope of winning this lovely prize myself.

I Cannot top “calling a cab”!!

Toro
Toro

worst ever? Scorpio im afraid, questionable hygiene and sedentary. the greatest? my current GF, Taurus sun, Libra rising and Taurus moon. 22 years of bedroom alchemy for us and we still love to tease, please and experiment. mabes because i refuse to call her my “wife”. Girlfriend just seems so much more fun. Me? Taurus sun, Pisces rising and Sagg moon. Oh wait! grunge goddess Libran was pretty awful too, body odour and not in a pleasant earth-mothery way but in a can’t-be-fuqed-showering way. All other Libs I’ve known have smelt divine and delicious. Even the men now that i… Read more »

year of the fox
year of the fox

A dirty Libra is a sad Libra. wtf?

Odette-in-Libra
Odette-in-Libra

Little Joey, I’m glad you recovered & moved on – that guy sounds truly hideous!

I went through a similar misery in my late teens – took years for my self-esteem to recover. (Praising the same universe now for sweet, dedicated Pisces men. 🙂 )

Little Joey
Little Joey

It’s a terrible thing to go through – but it was a huge lesson for me in many ways. I also now realise it’s just awesome when you get a good one (whatever sign they are!) – makes all the others fade far, far away!!

Lexicorn
Lexicorn

Oh god, there’s been too many examples to know where to begin, and usually never caught their name let alone star sign, so I probably shouldn’t engage for fear you’ll all lose respect for me n my Virgo Stellium.

davidl
davidl

Please go there, promise I’ll respect you in the morning…

Lexicorn
Lexicorn

OK, maybe just one… i DO have Mars and Moon square Neptune natally, so what the hey, I can be bad sometimes. Woke up to realise a) I could NOT remember his name and b) I had a broken toe. “Umm, do you remember how I broke my toe?” He says “maybe when we fell off the bed.” “aaah, we fell off the bed? Did you notice if I hit my head at all?” “Naah, I was sort of underneath you” So yeah, I’m lucky a toe was all I broke. It was during that extended Venus in Scorp season… Read more »

davidl
davidl

ouchieee !!! for the toe. So are you saying bad sex is when you break bones or when you can’t remember a fuqing thing about it ?

Lexicorn
Lexicorn

well who am I to say whether the sex was good or bad, wish I could really. but if all I took from it was the physical, emotional and psychic bruising – I guess it can’t be hall of fame contender, no?
the other one was an outdoors experience which was actually quite fantastic sex but then we realised we were being watched and the onlooker seemed to be enjoying himself more than we…. so again, not so much bad sex, but not the fondest of memories…

Ãœber Virgo
Ãœber Virgo

I’ve had two ‘walk in’ experiences, where people just happened to walk into the room/house without knocking and then lingered, grinning while being shouted at to piss off. Had to be Uranus transits, or pervy Aquarians.

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Had an impromptu passionate interlude on the sand near crashing waves under the moonlight with a gorgeous Virgo… only to realise all these old weird beach perves had crawled out of the dunes and were dotted about in a kind of circle some metres away, wanking.

davidl
davidl

Come on did that really happen or was it just a fantasy 🙂

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Mmmm…old pervies wanking…drooooool…*touches self*

StarInspired
StarInspired

THANKS Milleunanotte!!!… made me laugh So Hard!

Little Joey
Little Joey

I once went to see a house to rent – the real estate agent went in and then quickly came out – she had visibly blanched… she was in a state of shock and said “ummmm I just walked in on the current tennants, they were ummmmm ummmm in the bedroom…. ummmm they were…..”
So it turns out they were having sex at the EXACT time they had been told people were being brought through to view the house – exhibitionists much????

Ãœber Virgo
Ãœber Virgo

Saggos

davidl
davidl

I’ve decided I can’t respect you in the morning.

davidl
davidl

Oops that was for lex below not you mill

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

Crumbs did my quick trigger finger scare u? 😉

Little Joey
Little Joey

Taurus man- was the most selfish, self important, laziest lay ever. His favourite number was not 69 – just 9. He once said to me “wow I lasted 4 maybe 5 minutes” with a huge wave of pride sweeping across his face – didn’t have the heart to say that at 23 years old THAT SUCKS kiddo. So anyway the requisite 2 mins (or maybe 4 or 5 woooo) he would take it upon himself to find something horrible derogatory to say about me. I was ugly, I was bad in the sack, I was a sl*t. (I think some… Read more »

Keo
Keo

“I discovered he was a serial liar and cheat – yet I was hooked on the loser for ages. I actually think I was a bit insane at the time, I was dealing with heavy sh*t in other parts of my life, I kind of lost myself.” Flashbacks of me and the Taurus ex. *shudder* Mamma’s boy & all. Though he was never outright verbally insulting, his behavior was vile. He once told me, “I don’t compliment you because I don’t want you to get a big head.” Once I was crying over my sick cat and he said, “Why… Read more »

year of the fox
year of the fox

I bet he’s a hypocrite too. All that “she’s just a piece of meat” goes out the door if you were seeing some guy on the side….suddenly you’ll be the jerk.

Keo
Keo

Hit that nail on the head.

T
T

All the comments about how good Scorp guys are make me want to seek out and hook up with one! I’ve never been with someone of my own sign. I don’t usually find Scorp guys attractive–I think because I understand them too well; there’s no mystery. They probably feel the same way. But I’m curious now. It would probably be either unbelievably amazing or a total disaster.

InchbyInch
InchbyInch

It had been a long time since I had had a Scorpio treat, but recently discovered one who is ALL Scorpio. Being somewhat Scorp myself I maneuvered the situation to where I could capture a taste, but on my terms; like you say, I understand them too well so have to be cautious. Oh my goodness, the astro doesn’t lie on Scorps, or at least on the connection between me and Scorps. His scent was the most intoxicating scent I have ever taken in, archetypal musky, but not in a rancid sense. I wish I could capture the essence of… Read more »

Charley
Charley

T, I feel the same way about Scorpio men (not women, I worship my fellow kind). No mystery at all and kind of unappealing because of it, I did hook up with a heavily Scorpionic (Venus, Asc, Jupiter, Pluto) Libra once who was much younger and insanely hot but a full blown Scorpio, no men at least!

Ms.
Ms.

we are all better off looking at our venus/mars asc placements than worrying about sun signs

year of the fox
year of the fox

I think they call that the 68 position where they owe you 1. *cheezy joke*

I can say I’ve never sampled a Scorpio. We never get that far. It seems to proceed after the initial dating and courtship where they go to the bat-shit psycho part of stalking and trying to vandalize my car…neither of which I consider appropriate foreplay.

Odette-in-Libra
Odette-in-Libra

Two Libra sun guys (years apart) who both got these scary glazed looks during the act – like they were on a fierce hunt for the orgasm monster & they were going to BAG that sucker.
And that was the whole show, after which I got a look like “Well, aren’t you pleased? Let’s go eat.”

Oh yeah, the second guy also tried to do this weird twirling thing that he assured me was part of some tantric something or other. I did not like it.

Odette-in-Libra
Odette-in-Libra

To clarify, the events were years apart – it wasn’t an old Libra & a young Libra on the same day. I am struck by how similar the experiences were, though.

Keo
Keo

Had a libra who I liked very much in every respect, but just didn’t seem into sex. It’s like he couldn’t just let go and be in the moment. It was really weird. Thought there was something wrong with me at first, but suspect he was not into the women :-/
The sex wasn’t BAD, just OFF. Then again, I’m libra too. Maybe that’s why.

Nene
Nene

LOL!!! My one and only Libra Sun had issues with a quick trigger but surprisingly my Scorpio Sun took pity on him because I felt that it was a brief spell… After several “false starts”, I went into typical Scorpio bitcharella mode and fell for a robust Taurus Sun-Sag Moon man! LOL!

Libra Sun every couple of years tries to make contact and I guess amends… NOT!!

Raché (Aqua/Tauri)
Raché (Aqua/Tauri)

Pluto was on my Venus last year and I fell in love with a guy who I love and am super compatible in bed with. Things got crazy. Like mutual lucid dreaming, breaking into 3000 a year old Roman coliseum and having insane sex straight up in the dirt, moving in with each other after knowing each other for a few hours, flying all over the world to be with one another. And it continues… But WTF am I talking about, this is the worst sex award show. Hmm…once I had sex with an absolutely gorgeous and well hung dude… Read more »

T
T

Have not yet had bad sex! Last fling was with a Cap who was very attentive and eager to please, so that was nice. Long time ago, however. I’ve definitely had long stretches of no sex, which saddens my little Scorpy heart. I just can’t get excited about it unless I’m really into the guy, though, and I haven’t had a crush in ages. Boo.

year of the fox
year of the fox

sometimes “NO sex” is better than crappy sex you regret later.

milleunanotte
milleunanotte

At least I don’t feel like (a) scrubbing my6self with rocks (b) thoroughly examining my own mind like a chimp-mama picking its baby for nits (c) a teen-ninny in front of my dr when i front up for any amount of testing, twice over if possible.

Wish I’d known this when i was younger, when 3 weeks once without a lover was me experiencing the MONK/HERMIT side of Neptunian style.

Then again, I’ve definitely had a great time. Had to think quite hard for those bad sex moments.

unpredictable pisces
unpredictable pisces

totally agree, Foxy. Sometimes insanely want sex but who wants to go out and frig around for hours pick up some guy only to deal with safe sex, interpersonal shite, satisfaction not guaranteed, bla bla rather DIY and get an early night 😀

davidl
davidl

Bad sex ? when you don’t fit, …she was sooo hot, sweet, sexy, gemini, and …small. We tried…it wasn’t ‘bad’ as such, but definitely a weird
experience.

Ãœber Virgo
Ãœber Virgo

Show off.

There’s also trying to shove a marshmallow through a mail slot, which is common for the Uranus return, or when you’re having a Neptune transit and dating an alcoholic.

For the Pluto return you’re an actual fossil and have to wait for an archeologist to come and tickle you with a brush.

The Leo Socialite
The Leo Socialite

YOU JuST made me spit my drink out all over the keyboard LMAO

2Natured
2Natured

UV is on a jag! LMAO

Triple Air Gem
Triple Air Gem

bahahaha

unpredictable pisces
unpredictable pisces

HAHAHA UV omg.

Neptune transit, dating alcoholic lololol *substitute gambling addict for alcoholic* and voila, Old Toro!

Ms.
Ms.

<3

Brenda
Brenda

lmao

You are too funny!

DoubleMutable
DoubleMutable

Oh, and having some of the best sex ever right NOW! Having a Pluto opposition Mars transit, and of course there is Uranus square Venus going on. Definitely not my usual type of lover.

DoubleMutable
DoubleMutable

Oddly enough…some of the best sex I’ve had has been with fellow Geminis. Cuz there’s four of us and we’re all up for anything. 🙂

davidl
davidl

Zachery !!!, gemini moon and asc here, I’m always 2 parts of a threesome 🙂
I’ve always thought gem suns are sure to be excellent masturbators when the need arises? is it true ?

DoubleMutable
DoubleMutable

Hahaha…well, not sure what makes one “excellent” at masturbation, but I’m certainly efficient.

year of the fox
year of the fox

@_@ I love Gemini men so much, but it’s really too bad the only ones I’ve met are cheating jerks.

Rani
Rani

And, yes.. I said ‘copulation’.

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