Staff at the health food store in my mall are not usually mega-motivated but I just encountered the Capricorn Protein Powder Sales Guy.
First he delivered a brilliant dissertation on the power of protein (from the Greek word for Life, creates sensational hair, gives me the strength i need to have both amazing musculature and brainpower) and why it would work out cheaper should i buy a metric tonne of it.
He then made some scarily accurate assessments of my needs based on a purchasing matrix and said to come back any time during working hours as he was there “seven days a week and often after hours.” I asked if he ever took a day off and he said he didn’t believe in them. “That’s when illness, dementia or even insanity kick in. The body can’t handle it. Whenever i’ve had a day off, i have always gotten ill.”
So I asked his sign and he said “Christmas Day, which i prefer, as a matter of fact, because people don’t make too much fuss and i don’t have to waste time celebrating. I send out a present list in early December, slightly adjusted to allow for it being both a Christmas and a Birthday gift.”
He had cheekbones, he had goal-setting software on his laptop to work on in his lunch-hour. He’d saved a lot of time since giving up meals in favour of a “food system that provides all the necessary nutrients…no more guesswork.” He said half an hour with a calculator and a spreadsheet could change anyone’s life more effectively than meditation or church. Although, he conceded, church was good for networking, if you were something like a politician or in real estate.
The Capricorn Protein Powder Sales Guy is 21. Do Caps come any more old school than this?
Oh and the tip he gave me to have protein powder with water not milk or even oat milk works really well.
Image: David Hammons
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