Astro Jen & Gerry

Gerard Butler with Jennifer AnistonW Magazine Steven Klein

I am sitting here tripping on Voltaren ( i barely ever take pills, am like an arnica & lavender sort of person, so when i DO, I trip) thanks to a condition I am going to call Saturn Neck. I’m doing all sorts of things. My Louise Hay affirmation: I am at peace with life. Saturn Neck (or, as she calls it, ‘neck problems’) have to do with being inflexible. So not being able to turn my head in one direction is making me more aware of the need to see all facets of a situation. Or something.

Important Point: If you have not heard back from me re ANYTHING, it is because it hurts to type for too long so please be patient – t’is not personal.

Now, so me, my Saturn Neck, Voltaren Hit, preservative free Sauv-Blanc & Dark Mooned self have just seen this cover of W magazine:

It looks like “Jen and Gerry” are posing to illustrate “The Shopping Issue” even though we know that is not so.

HE is a Scorpio and SHE is an Aquarius.

I’m seeing it as somehow they’ve ended up in a field outside the country mall (it was a camping trip but she doesn’t like leaving her nails undone for too long) and she is using her Ashtanga Yoga Skills to stay poised and ready to take off the moment he relaxes his Scorpionic grip.

She needs her nails done, she needs a large-skinny-moccachino, she needs a shot of biodynamic wheatgrass, she needs mall shit. AND having to hold her buttocks casually up off his groin and keep that casual leg splay, to show off some advertisers stockings, is making her completely appreciate all her Ashtanga and pelvic floor toning.

He’s trying to convey Man Alone Outside The Mall/Society Scorpionic Hotness but all he can think about is howΒ  his knees are holding up in the pose (they are not) and that this will prompt a tenΒ  hour lecture from “Jen” about Yoga Benefits, that he really needs a fag and that he longs to not only sack his management but publicly humiliate them in some lurid fashion.

Like, he is being quoted in The Economist about the disarmament treaty that he negotiated and he says that his former agent never understood his depths or potential and then the President agrees.

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77 thoughts on “Astro Jen & Gerry

  1. Jen looks like she also has Saturn Neck.

    Hope you feeling better soon Mystic x

      • I’m with ya!
        I don’t go out looking for people to be underwhelmed by, but when she’s always staring at me from my newsagency’s magazine stand, there’s just too much opportunity to go “not you again…”

    • haha πŸ˜‰ if she didn’t have it during the photo shoot i’m sure she got it the next day from holding that pose!

  2. In LA, we have a term for this type, as in:

    Girl 1: So how was the party?
    Girl 2: Was alright…except they had no flavah up in there.
    Girl 1: No diversity?
    Girl 2: Xactly, they just had all these little Jenifer Anistons running around.

    • ha! awesome.

      what is the point of this shoot? nothing to do with recent film hype around a certain new film with johnny depp getting shot in venice now would it?

    • That’s so true. She hasn’t much range of expression on her hard little nut face really. Though she was fantastic in Friends. Totally ‘sin sabor’…

      • Yeah, she does tend to look exactly the same – and behave exactly the same – nomatter which ‘new’ character she’s playing.

  3. Cricked neck? I am a genius for fixing those…. πŸ˜€

    All you need is some strong hands, preferably someone else’s, rub the top of the affected shoulder until you find the trigger point, sharp pain is a good indicator. Rub the area really hard… yep REALLY hard, it will hurt like hell but tough (Saturn style) it out, you’ll be ok. At the same time, turn your head slightly each time. It will loosen up as you go! Ok, please do not do this if there is something else going on but it sounds like muscular so it will work. 😯

    Hope you feel better soon!

  4. So who’s being a pain in the neck then ? couldn’t be me ? meoow, pfffsst, pffsst..down kitty.

    On a more serious note, i do find being a bit of an empath that sometimes neck or back pain belongs to someone else. Find out who maybe and send it back.

    Get well honey, love you
    from your favourite twerp xxx

  5. Meow, ladies! Bitching about Jennifer Aniston is hardly the path to good karma and it’s not going to help you take steps upwards in life, either. Let’s leave the tall poppy syndrome to the flower fields, shall we?

    I’d rather spend my post praising Mystic for a very witty write-up on that cover (hope you get better soon, M). You’re a funny girl!

    • Not bitching sweet, just bored with! Would def say that Gerry is kinda interesting…

      • “Is that you Jen?” – rotflmfao!!! πŸ˜† where’s that smiley icon with punching fists on the ground when you need one

        True, starstrokes, just bored with!

    • Let’s leave our high horse in the paddock, shall we?

      And how IS the internet enlightenment going?

  6. OH Mystic – pain that drives one to Voltaren TOTALLY sucks!!
    Swig that Sauv-Blanc until you channel ‘Valium housewife’ – kicks in once you get the balance right!

    Sitting at Chiro guru this morn – was thinking of Saturn Neck…. AKA the pain in my own neck, thankfully all but gone – thinking how you flagged it in the dailies or somewhere. How do you know these things???

    wishing you swift repair woman!! xox πŸ˜‰ xox

    • PS I like Jen but can understand why she gives others the shits!!

  7. jesus, volatren AND vino = stay indoors away from & off heels.

    hope you feel better soon.

  8. She looks a bit like her triple shot Capuccino went through her system a bit too quickly if you ask me.
    It appears Gerard is pulling his ‘scorpion’ grip and has her locked down tight.

    I hope youve got a very warm wheat pack to relax the neck muscles! πŸ˜€

    • Ditto!
      Also, for what it’s worth and not to add annoyance dear MM, but hot water bottles can be greatly soothing, really hot (and swaddled in a towel of course) applied directly against the ache in the body. It can even lull one into a nap while the blood rushes to the hurt part.
      Have read that someone actually published findings in a reptuable med journal that as far as bad period pain goes hot water bottling is just as efficacious as Naprogesic since both take an hour to make the pesky prostoglandins subside – however in this instance I am reporting from direct personal experience of EXCRUCIATING weekend long head/neck/upper back ‘benders’ brought on by very poor work conditions in information factory – starting with the feeling of an iron bar throught the right eye and very slowly subsiding to a throbbing pain in the neck and and by the end to a very sore and bruised trapezoid? arm ligaments? around the arm socket anyway. I dont imbibe any chemical stronger than tea either, being a subcontinental buddhist wowser scorpion type, with neptune conjunct lilith on dc πŸ˜‰ and a weak head to match, so Nurofen works, but only to mask the pain for about 8hours; this has happened to me maybe 20 times in the last decade – my utmost sympathy, and may that blessed click that arights everything again come soonest! XXX

  9. MM do you have a micro-wave-able wheat bag and an acupuncturist from heaven? Who is being a pain in the neck to you? Reject their projections (easier said than done, I know)!

    • wheat bag’s a TOP idea!!

      any tips for how to heat for those sans food zappers?
      I’d like mime warm NOW!! suggestions PLEASE……….?

      • Wrap it in a thin towel and pop it in the oven on LOW. Or let it rest on a leccy blanket for half an hour – check it to prevent house fire paranoia everynow and then though.

        • Oh I have been wondering this too. Thanks Bluelibra.. I don’t have a mircrowave, or electric blanket, but didn’t realise that the oven was Ok if on low and with towel wrapped around. I have been thinking about trying to heat one with a hot water bottle for a while, but never tried it. I think it would work.

        • YAY thanks BlueLibra – gonna lavender up wheat bag so she’s oven ready!!

          In for like 20 mins?

    • is Congnac plural still Congnac? Who cares really….. (I marvel at the thoughts that transverse my brain at times…)

  10. Yes Mystic hope you get that pain in the neck sorted out as soon as possible! Is dreadful thing to have, poor you.. Makes practically every single little movement a PAIN! I always find acupuncture is a great help, in case you get the chance (and havent already tried!)…is good to hit it from any and all angles (ie voltaren/wine/healing affirmations/chiro/acu etc!) – well mayb that’s just my gemini mind that can’t do/decide on one thing! Sending you fast recovery thoughts!

  11. Get well soon Mystic. Sending you healing vibes. P.S I agree with the accupunture! I also just got a message to tell you try ice on it to help you get some sleep…later on tonight when the sleep isn’t coming. X

  12. yeah, get well soon Mystic, much love xx

    and He looks seriously pissed off
    and She looks like she may burst into tears any sec

    but nice shoes and love the tights

  13. It’s okay, Gerry, you can let her get up now.

    Let her get up Gerry. Let go now. Let her get up.


    • ubers yer crackin me!!

      BTW who’s Le Bloke?
      call me asleep, dumb, whateva you like – his ‘look’ reeks low life rugby league lout meets chick who fell outta Hugo’s loungue at 3am….shot taken at dawn at Bondi or something.

      Jen’s look gets 2 thumbs up here.
      No matter how predictable.
      Shoot the creative director / stylist AND pic ed – is it Willy Mason meets Lara Bungle?

      who’s Gerry?

      • that’s Jen’s shot *NORMALLY* gets…..

        tho NOT this time…….

        • thanks for the heads up on gezza – was able to embrace the trash mags knowledged up at mani-pedi salon yesterday!!

          BTW pix in Crap-Weekly – showed he had man booobs.

          Jen looks great in a bikini!!

          • SPEAKING OF ABS – OMG was in ABS heaven yesterday.
            here’s the bit where Anonymouse typically goes me but big deal….

            Kelly Slater, Taj Burrows & 100 other pro surfers are at Bondi this weekend. Bondi typically has crap surf so why its the venue who knows. its the first time a big name lineup hits this locale.
            A mate who edits a surfing mag VIP’d me as their blogger. which is kind of true, as well as kind of him.

            Well a rain squall swept across the bay & trapping in a MegaMarque full of surfers, the bar sponsored by Carona. my gfnd & I laughed. yes many were 12. but was twas a VERY pretty view & funny sitch. jammed in a tent full of surfers noone could leave cos of pelting rain…… the media scrum at other end of the beach re the Bingle Bungle….

            is everyone sick of Lara Bingle?
            love to see her astro – Marxson shopping her to Supre & her mum Sharen allegedly shopping media deals. wake me up when it’s over!!

      • That’s Gerald Butler, Scottish, former lawyer turned beefcake actor (remember the abs in 300 movie?) – currently in Hollywood doing the rom-com thing and rooting anything that stays still long enough (ie: being a “batchelor” – as usual, if he were a woman his behaviour would be labelled sluttish). But I have to admit, this shot does not do him justice…

          • It’s adverts have begun on the tv. I won’t be seeing it. But then again, I rarely watch movies esp. if the formula is nearly the same.

          • I thought his abs was courtesy of a high powered paint compressor and was completely sprayed on? I mean he seems to teeter from fleshy to cut, not that I’m complaining.. but I think it’s fine having a real man’s body.

            That is, being built sans the carved out abs you can eat dip off of.

          • um the replies above are sposed to be here…….better get back to cleaning house!!

          • No, the abs were real – if you YouTube the “300 workout” you’ll find all sorts of footage of their training, as well as heaps of other blokes trying it out… apparently it became a bit of a craze in the gyms for guys to try this!

  14. You need a muscle relaxant (Valium does it!) to stop the spasming of the neck muscles as well as the voltaren which reduces the inflammation. It’s the spasming of the muscles that hurts like anything. Real drugs ARE incredibly useful used when you need them. You won’t get addicted with a short course. Use doesn’t equal abuse. But it can equal a much faster recovery.

  15. Du ya know that when times are really tough and the brain just can’t accommodate the angst, the spirit makes an exit throught the neck. Jen looks like she’s been decapitated. I think it’s a private matter. This picture breaks my heart.

  16. Oh dear …

    Hang on does that caption say “Gerry Saves Jen From Embarrassing Prolapsed Uterus Shock!” ???

    … well I mean c’mon she must be at least 70 by now.

    • prowincat, that wit of yours is diamond sharp! BTW, that would make her Pluto in Leo? Explains it all really….

    • Prowlers – Mystic posted Jen on cover of World of Interiors.

      A naughty designer here doctored the cover lines – ‘Look inside Jeninfer Aniston’s VAGINA’ & posted it to my Crackbook wall. Dyslexia prevented me spotting the wisecrack for several hours. took a hilarious comments stream for me to get the gag….

      Hows tricks out west??

    • I know!
      It’s like some kind of gynae-heimlich manoevre he’s attempting there.

  17. I don’t mind Jen in small doses (but then I choose not to watch half the American crap on tele & pics) and I enjoy GB’s charisma, when he’s allowed to show it, BUT this photo does naff all for either of them. I mean GB is practically unrecognisable and I much prefer that pic of Jen when MM posted the ‘living well is the best revenge’ discussion… but that may be just where my head is at the moment….

  18. Mystic…? If you’re awake and well enough to ponder.. is this Saturn-Neck Transit the reason why I went to bed with a cricked neck but woke up physically relaxed and comfortable yet feeling extremely ANGRY, FRUSTRATED, DOUBTFUL and LONELY re: men, the ex-Gem, life and love destiny?

  19. I don’t know about Saturn’s effect on cravings and indulgence, but I have been craving a CIGARETTE all week. It’s so bad.

    I have two cigarettes my toddler stole from a friend’s handbag stashed away in a lightbulb box. I am trying so hard to ignore them. I don’t think I can hold off much longer… Oh GOD!

    • Saturn does not like smoking 😯

      I gave up suddenly before my saturn return in March 07 & after realising the connection of why I was smoking. I gave up very easily, although I tried last year after giving into a craving & it made me very sick indeed, never again!!…. I realised all these issues that were associated to smoking were looming so I got stuck into them & that was the key! πŸ˜€

      • Too late BaristaG… I haven’t smoked in two years… now I feel very very ill…. Never again. Saturn doesn’t like smoking afterall..

        • omg FireTrine… My sister gave up smoking last year – finally! She went to the docs and got some amazing medication that helped her quit – they weren’t nicotine patches or supplements – something else – but they worked.

  20. I think it must be all in my head – like I said, haven’t really smoked in years.. I feel shaky and sick even an hour later. Anyway, it’s mad of me to be smoking, I am terrible person! At least I know the reality versus what’s in my head now. Oh God, I am trembly and nauseous!

    • It is ok FireTrine, a good reminder to listen to your body & by the sounds of it, it is speaking loud & clear! 😯

      I know this all too well since Saturn landed on my doorstep a few years back (natal Saturn in virgo 6th) first it was smoking- gave it up, caffeine- CUT it back πŸ˜€ (it’s hard for me to give it up, fumes) then it was junk food- gave it up & now I am going through the same thing with sugar, ooohhh my body HATES sugar!! This has been hard & I am making huge adjustments but holy crap what’s next! 😯

      • There’s this delicious easterly breeze blowing through my front door you could make a meal out of! Sounds like you are doing great Baristagem, you vegan or anything yet? I guess next is gluten-free… Good luck!

  21. If anyone has direct link to that Economist article Mystic mentions, i would love to read it! I’ve been mildly obsessed with Gerry since I first spotted him in a B-grade TV series in the mid nineties. Glad to hear he is potentially bonkers and would love to read his thoughts on world domination…. Or any kind of domination for that matter… xx

  22. Mystic, I am having same probs at you (plus obscene period pain – down to my knees, would you believe it, due to back nerves being zinged by cramps. Anyway… ) My acupunturist says neck probs are because of my teeth grinding at night.

    Oddly, since getting weekly pins in jaw, neck, ears, etc, teeth grinding has increased. Umm, not what I was hoping for. But I’ve been put on Myoplex, a muscle relaxant. Not sure if it’s working. Only been using it for 2 nights but it’s all valerian, natural stuff, etc etc stuff in big doses. Apparently that will help as body will relax more overnight to loosen up spasming muscles?

    Waiting for results, though, so wheat bag and wine are staying on my pain-killing menu for now πŸ˜‰

  23. Pingback: Gerard Butler’s Scorpy New Apartment | Mystic Medusa

  24. Hi Mystic,
    Just realised I had not let you know the stiff neck secret- it’s actually not really, but here it is from an osteopathic practitioner. I thought that you most likely had talked to lots of experts- so this is why I am so tardy in this post.
    The second and third cervical vertebra, on the right side has a release affect if you simply put your right middle finger gently there and keep it there whilst turning your head, oh so very gently in both directions. Voila. You will be surprised and amazed. Magic!!