HAUTE CAPRICORN IS:
SMART: Capricorns can hound offspring to find lost library books, plan menus for the dinner party, and compose a speech to the nation, all at the same time and all without the slightest stress in their mind. They have a lengthy to-do list dancing around in their head at any one time and, unlike certain other signs, all are feasible. All get done.
SEXY: Capricorn appeal is modern, snazzy, and always together. Already a sensual Earth sign like Taurus and Virgo, Capricorn adds the worldly wit and magnetism that is the gift of Saturn. Capricorns are elegantly ribald and able to conduct flirtations and romances in an appealing grown-up and sophisticated style. They get more attractive the more mature they get.
AMBITIOUS: No matter how well certain Capricorns (comic actors Howard Stern, Jim Carrey, Tracey Ullman) disguise themselves as ditsy free spirits imbued with divine carelessness, they are extremely pragmatic. Weirdness is a well-considered career move. They are expert at energy conservation and will not get worked up about anything unless they’re going to get really worked up. Then they reach out and sue someone. Capricorns are here on earth to create structure. They do it in their day jobs, they do it in their ultimate career plan, and they do it in their daily life. They have an awesome ability for grind, toil, mentoring and that science of networking.
CLASSY: Capricorns find salvation in the details. Flowers say so much about a person, particularly if they are just that moment in season or very difficult to grow. A Capricorn CD rack is not usually clogged up with cover-less Greatest 80s-style discs, scratched from being chucked about at the latest party. Instead it will feature a selection of favourably reviewed contemporary musical items and non-cheesy classics. As Capricorn author Quentin Crisp wrote, “most people are at present content to cherish their mere identity. This is not enough. Our identity is just a group of ill-assorted characteristics that we happen to be born with. Like our fingerprints, if they are noticed at all, they will probably be used against us. You have to polish up your raw identity into a lifestyle so that you can barter with the outside world for what you want. This polishing process makes your life so formal that, by comparison, the life of a Trappist monk is an orgy.”
COOL: These people are blessed with enviable calmness. They can cope with the most full-on stress event without stressing out. It’s one of the reasons they’re so sought after and successful. The stiff-upper-lip ideal was coined with Capricorns in mind. They’re glacially cool and always in control.
TENACIOUS: No matter what the conditions are like at the beginning, Capricorns can claw their way out of some swamp to create the life most desired. Many of them have astonishing “before” pics tucked away. Or, more likely destroyed.
“When the president does it, that means it isn’t illegal…” Former U.S. President Richard Nixon.
CREEPY What do you say after you say hello? Capricorns could try not saying or implying “what have you done for me lately?” Or, “I’d like to take a few minutes of your time to discuss an exciting business opportunity…” A Capricorn can literally act as if you did not exist for years. And then, when you hit the news with your invention which would have sold for an undisclosed amount of money believed to be in the vicinity of trillions, guess who’s first to make contact? Remember that the Capricorn motto is “I use” and they will. They are particularly good at harbouring their own resources while shamelessly cadging off those of others. They get away with this by giving off straight vibes and making everyone else appear quite flaky in comparison. When asked for help, they won’t help. But they’ll always have a variety of sensible excuses. You feel embarrassed for even asking.
DISHONEST: They can justify anything. Embezzlement of funds? Just an unauthorised loan. Faked your doctorate? They were simply trying to better themselves. That lollipop? The baby dropped it. Capricorns are enormously judgmental about the foibles of other people, but blessed with deep reservoirs of understanding for their own less-than-candid outings. They lie in order to bolster their own position, avoid some nasty truth about themselves emerging, get out of giving you back the book they borrowed (“Oh no, that’s not your book-it’s mine, I’ve had it since I was a child!”), undermine an opponent, destablise a lover’s self-confidence, or aggrandize their career. The one thing they don’t do is lie for leisure or to embellish a story and make it funnier. Capricorns always have a motive, which excuses the fib in their own computer-like minds.
SELFISH: Capricorn self-interest is so over the top that it can be literally alarming. Should you or your agenda not fit the vicious Cap world view or clash with an ambition of the Capricorn’s – guess who’s suddenly enemy number one, to be rolled at the earliest opportunity? That’s right. You. Everyone knows about fight or flight; Capricorns have elaborated the choice to fight, flight, or groom themselves to mate with the victor.
SNOBBY: Caps work so hard to be somebody. They replace shabby friends just as ruthlessly as they edit their underwear drawer. Hollywood legend Cary Grant used to be an Archibald Leach. Note how his roles carefully branded him as a wealthy, witty, and well-bred catch. There is no such thing as casual Capricorn entertaining. It simply does not count as an occasion if it doesn’t involve catering, sandblasting, unsustainable debt, and an anxiety attack. Even if their job requires them to wear a name tag, Capricorn will still be completely full of it, judgmental, and petty about people’s position in life. Whether it’s name-dropping, paranoia about whether or not Capricorn is “keeping up” or naked attempts at social one-upmanship, Capricorn is there.
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