Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, to hold it while the world revolves around him or her.
HAUTE LEO is GLAMOROUS: Legendary for their passion and dazzle, Leo is glamour-puss galore. Think Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis alighting from a private jet in huge sunglasses, Robert Redford arriving at Sundance, the film fest he started, Jennifer Lopez escaping from the paparazzi, Carolyn Murphy surfing, Prince Harry playing polo, Charlize Theron in full regalia, or Antonio Banderas in his dressing-gown. There is something awesome about Leo’s practically tantric appreciation of the power of personal hotness.
HAUTE LEO is BRAVE: Leos are dashing, courageous, and blessed with an innate sense of chivalry. Larger than life, they simply will not stoop to conquer. Often their show-bizzy philosophies – the show must go on – provide them with the impetus to overcome whatever crap is thrown in their way and emerge as shining superstars. The idea of giving in is a threat to the Leo ego and thus not even entertained.
HAUTE LEO is ARTY: Art, drama and music are an integral part of Leo’s life. For some, it is their life. “Creation is a drug I can’t do without” said film director Cecil B. De-Mille. His 1923 epic film The Ten Commandments went so over budget that studio heads sent him telegrams saying “You have lost your mind. Cease filming and return to Hollywood at once.” DeMille continued to build his city of the Pharoahs on a Californian beach. It’s very Leo to have an arty vision to fulfill. Think Omar Khayyam, Andy Warhol and 1940-50s swimming nymph Esther Williams.
HAUTE LEO is BIG HEARTED: Leos get into living well minus the “revenge” clause. Never small minded, they are big headed, big hearted, and big haired. They are unfailing sweet to older people and children alike. Three of the English-speaking world’s most revered children’s authors are Leos: J.K.Rowling, Enid Blyton and Beatrix Potter. When Leo politicians kiss babies they actually mean it. But Leos are not particularly likely to go into politics. Too grubby and too many stupid meetings where other people’s stupid opinions have to be considered.
HAUTE LEO is INSPIRATIONAL: Radiantly optimistic and divinely scented, the Leo presence is itself a morale booster. Leo is always a glorious sight. Large as life itself, melodramatic, and lover of fun, Leo whirls past in “never complain, never explain” mode… a blur of beauty, peace and luxury.
HAUTE LEO is FAMOUS: For people who, like every other sign, officially make up only about eight percent of the population, Leos are highly visible. In fact, they are the sign most likely to be famous. Naturally it was a Leo, Neil Armstrong, who managed to be the first man on the moon. But isn’t every Leo step a giant step for the rest of us? Once celebrity is achieved, the Leo is unlikely to grouch about fame’s burdens. They always give thanks to their mentors, assistants and the public who love them.
LOW LEO is VAIN: In a public toilet, without a single word being exchanged, it is possible to tell if someone is a Leo or not. How? Leos wash and dry their hands without taking their eyes off the mirror for a moment. Then they will step back to assess their full and side views. Often they will leave the room, but then duck quickly back to try and catch their reflection unaware or make one final hair adjustment. The person who invented the public toilet hand-dryers that can be tiled upward to whoosh through the hair was probably a Leo. Leonine vanity defies belief. Next to applause, awed gasps at their beauty, hair, or wit, and the sound of their own voice “My God! You are brilliant!” is the noise Leos most like to hear.
LOW LEO is ATTENTION-SEEKING: Leos suffer dreadfully from Attention Deficit Disorder. They cannot get enough of it. A Leo is capable of getting jealous of an animal if it appears to be scoring the Lion’s share of the spotlight. And although it had been noted that Leos are genuinely kind to children, it still wouldn’t do for the child to act cuter than Leo. This is not a sign that takes kindly to being upstaged and they can perform some fairly ugly antics to regain any lost limelight. Loved ones who question the Leo right to rule or insist (gasp) on doing their own thing without supervision always infuriate Leos. Like some megalomaniac film director, they demand mastery over every aspect of a production. Leos should learn not to worry when their partner undermines their previous personal dignity. They should worry when they stop. Whenever a Leo does manage to compromise or apologise for something, they expect the canonisation certificate in the mail. They are not able to stop themselves bringing up their great moment of clemency again and again. No matter how humiliating or tedious this is for Leo’s partner or friend, Leo insists on relating the incident if it makes them feel good.
LOW LEO is GRANDIOSE: Even when Leos are relaxing, they have a self-conscious view of themselves as relaxing. They may call someone just to pass on the news that they are relaxing in their Leo-designer outfit of the day, on their very trendy deck furniture, drinking a bottle of award-winning sauvignon blanc, and reading a book by the latest Booker Prize winner. Heaven help the celebrity or official personage who has even the briefest encounter with our Leo. Decades later, the scenario will still be retold – perhaps embellished to afford Leo more of starring role – and the superstar quoted nonstop on whatever subject, just to burnish the ever-demanding leonine ego. Italian fascist leader Benito Mussolini, the man who coined the term “benevolent dictator” – in relation to himself, naturally – aid that “the history of saints is mainly the history of insane people” (as opposed to the history of dictators, of course). In true Leo style, Mussolini slapped on stacks of make-up when he made his public appearances and quite fancied himself as a novelist.
LOW LEO is EGOMANIACAL: An amazing number of Leos are hardcore atheists and, while this may seem logical for many reasons, in Leo’s case it is hard not to suspect the obvious: Leo has a problem with the concept of a superior being. Their secret belief is that they are some sort of a higher power and, on a good-hair day, quite divine. According to actress Tippi Hedren, Alfred Hitchcock (an ordinary-looking film director) thought of himself as looking like Hollywood pin-up boy Cary Grant. “That’s tough, to think of yourself one way and look another.” Not for our Leo it’s not. Introduced to an official genius, Leo will happily rave on for hours about how they determined their mega-high IQ via an Internet quiz. Leo meeting a celebrity chef insists on sharing Leo’s brilliant omelet recipe. A Leo wouldn’t hesitate to pass on hamstring-stretching tips (even if used every few months or so) to an Olympic champion.
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