Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Cancerians don’t like change.
Haute Crab is EMPATHETIC. Cancerians ooze simpatico emotion in the same way other people perspire. They can relate to anyone: the celebrity going through a nasty divorce, the junkie who stole the Crab’s stereo. Just confiding to one of these folk is soothing. They are excellent at assuring one that “everything is going to be all right”, issuing very profound advice, and putting issues into perspective. It is as if they can actually absorb other people’s foul moods and transform then into joy for existence.
Haute Crab is ARTY. Cancer is the sign most likely of all to be a known artist. For example, Modigliani, Gustav Klimt, Rembrandt, Frida Kahlo, Marc Chagall, David Hockney. Their artistic nature is never a toss, merely part of their being. Gifted with the soul of a poet, they are able to see and transmit the world’s beauty, peak into the hearts of us all, and honour what has been forgotten. All Crab People, no matter how worldly and pragmatic, should find a way to evoke this blessed creativity.
Haute Crab is SEDUCTIVE. Crab People are dangerously alluring and literally enchanting. Their usual mode of operating is to appear mega-compliant. Later when the lover is hooked, they unleash the madness of their moody side. Eligible suitors stalk the Crab Person, longing to hear every detail of their latest hair issues, unresolved adolescent angst, or creative blocks. The sane friends of our Crab are furious: How can anyone be so seemingly deranged and yet utterly in demand? The Crab shrugs, busy re-reading an esoteric Hermann Hesse novel for insight into their own fascinatingly complex persona. Or The Dice Man.
Haute Crab is NURTURING. Kind, sweet and generous, Crabs are the gift that keeps on giving. At any one time, they tend to be mentoring a variety of folk. They are deeply understanding of the foibles of children, old people, the disadvantaged, and the lovelorn. The Crab’s home is often a centre of comfort and love, home for the homeless, a haven for the psychically displaced. They give shelter and love and withdraw into their cave with their chosen loved ones.
Haute Crab is PSYCHIC. Without much fanfare, Cancerians pick up on a lot of signals. Their perceptions are eerily apt and they are especially gifted in the realms of psychometry: picking up vibes from objects and places. They do well to take up home-witchery arts such as feng shui, geomancy (harmony with the environment), or space-clearing. But their spooky powers are just as useful in whatever brilliant career they choose for themselves.
Haute Crab is TRADITION-HONOURING. Cancerians make sure they do events like weddings or Christmas correctly. They will have the biggest tree, the best banquet, the “goodest” goodwill. They are absolute geniuses at maintaining photo albums and keeping up with every single niece and nephew. They make fabulous family historians; so do Capricorns but it’s an attempt to find ancestors of status. Geminis don’t bother because they can just fib about it. Pisceans look into the family background to find an excuse for their own conduct. Crabs do it because they truly revere their family story.
Low Crab is SULKY. Okay, so Crab People are really into feelings but, guess what? Sometimes it’s just their feelings. They invented the Power Sulk, capable of petrifying anyone against the crabby whim of the moment. Huffing out an inky black fog of disappointment, they use their psychic powers to beam a “you screwed up badly” message. Ask what’s wrong and they’ll say, “nothing”, before zooming off to call an ex-lover in secret. They never forgive but will pretend to forget just so they can bring out their hurt as an unexpected shock tactic. They think nobody understands them and, actually, nobody does.
Low Crab is SUBJECTIVE. Crab People are capable of boring everyone else to tears with subjective accounts of their feelings. They believe urban myths but get hurt and pouty when someone scoffs. Why should any conversation be interesting or amusing if the Crab is in the mood for a good wallow? They genuinely think that other people are acting cheerful because they lack Cancerian genius enough to figure that the world is going to hell. It’s as if because nobody else is dwelling on crap, that they haven’t grasped the situation. So the Crab Person feels they should simply go on and on. “Wouldn’t it be horrible to drown? No, really it would be.” If has to be all about how the Crab feels they would feel. They move from grizzling about their neighbour who apparently doesn’t feed the cat enough into a rant about share-market rip-offs without losing a beat. If, say, the TV breaks down, Aries or Scorpio will be in combat mode. Pisces or Libra would see it as a sign from the universe that they should go and take a bubble bath or drink gin in the garden. Crab People see it as a chance to evoke some ancient angst: “Oh, no! This is bringing up my body image issues!” It was said of novelists George Orwell (Animal Farm) that he could not blow his nose without moralising on conditions in the handkerchief factory.
Low Crab is OVER-NOSTALGIC. This is the only sign who seems to think things were always better in history. Never mind plagues, witch-burnings, or lack of sanitation, weren’t the frocks lovely? Didn’t they make wonderful furniture in those days? Think French writer Marcel Proust (Rememberance of Things Past) yearning over the taste of a cookie from yonks ago. Crabs are perfectly capable of bugging someone over an apparent whim of memory: “Surely you remember?” They can become haunted by a snatch of song and stalk around for weeks trying to make everyone else recognise the thing: “You must remember this, it goes ‘dum de dum de dah’. It’s at the back of my mind.” But a lot of things lurk at the back of Crab’s mind and not all of them need daily dredging up for reappraisal.
Low Crab is GUILTING. Which Sun sign is the greatest guilter of all? It always comes down to a play-off between Virgo and our Crab. Virgo is definitely better at verbalising. If you want pithy words to drill straight down into your own guilt complex, just let a Virgo down one day. But the Crab method of guilting is more diffuse. They can just glance at the culprit and leave them in a heap of remorse. They like to guilt the light fantastic, to make it Shame Week at Crab Central. Virgo does it for a hobby but Cancer is the guru of guilt. Cancerians plan blame-storming expeditions. They answer the phone in a voice rich with recrimination. They drunk-dial a former lover not to say “Come around right now” but to make them feel guilty for wrecking Crab’s life. They can deliver dinner party “victim impact” statements years after you lost a book they lent you. But their fave technique is to link a mini domestic mishap with their worst emotional pain ever. Then they bring it up again later in bed. They also favour the “Why do you always…?” approach,
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