How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb?

• One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten course meal and some great sex.
• None; Tauruses never want to change anything.
• One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

A la the post about the Designer Hair Skirt and the Bauhaus Armchair when it was basically deemed that a Lower Gemini would like them both, here is the first of a series; Hi-Lo Astro.  I have always thought that there is a higher & lower manifestation of each sign. And in fact, peeps should realise that if there is a sudden orgy of sign-slagging here, it’s always referring to the LOWER version of whatever sign. And every sign has one.

Q: How many Taureans does it take to to change a light-bulb?

A; None. Taureans don’t like to change anything.

Haute Cow is SENSUAL; Whether slipping between freshly sun-dried, lavender scented linen with the highest thread count they can afford, flexing just pedicured feet, or trying out a new bedwork move, Cow-People are genuinely in their bodies. Think glam piano man Liberace luxuriating in his bubble bath. Musically inclined, Taureans are blessed with beautiful singing voices.

Haute Cow is DEPENDABLE: Taureans are there for you, not necessarily to hash through the situation, but in a practical way: they will bake you a high-carb comfort dinner, pay the bail or babysit your kids. They sometimes feel trapped by this trait. No-one else can calm down Aunt Thing after her third gin and they know it. The Bulls & Cows are dignified folk. They’d all be pillars of society if only they could find a society decent enough. Meanwhile, they make to with any organisation that lets them be treasurer. Blessed with a sense of adequacy, our Cow feels at home in the world and welcomes you as well.

Haute Cow is SERENE; Taureans are the relaxation gurus of the Zodiac. Left to their own devices, they like hanging out with their offspring, cooking, gardening and/or taking to the couch with a bottle of plonk, a hunk of bread and a cuddly companion. The Taurean couch exerts a gravity pull akin to Jupiter on  his moons. The only difference is that our Taurus resists the gravitational force of the couch for as long as it takes to get to the fridge and back. They know that so-called mindless entertainment fulfils all the requirements of Zen-that is, pure enlightenment. Taurus has no need of the umpteen books released every year instructing one in the art of doing nothing, letting go, kicking back, just being – they’re already there.

Haute Cow is EARTH ANGELIC; Unlike Fire signs, who can wilt even a bamboo plant with one bitchy gaze, Taurus is green-fingered. Their fantasy house is a luxury shack in the woods where Taurus romps around lush grassy fields like something out of a Scandinavian shampoo ad. They are also natural-born healers, but not as in the Virgoan School of Healing, where St Virgo advises the sinners on what vitamins to take. Taurus emits a calming vibe capable of soothing the most hysterical person and even effect so-called miracle cures. Thus, a disproportionate amount of brilliant body-workers, medics and healers are Cow People.

Haute Cow is CIVILISED; Taureans know to relish life’s pleasures sans being sleazy or devious. Sensational socialisers, they are fabulous company, “mostest” hosts and officially “good” guests. As neurosis is alien to their nature, they don’t pull any of the nervy tricks known to other signs. A socially adequate persona enables them to put everyone at ease and they can be relied upon to behave. They never, for instance, try the “You’re a gynaecologist? Great! I’ve had this itchy discharge…” type of stunt. They adore recommending top accountants, nail artistes, and all of their myriad tips for better living.

Haute Cow is STABLE; They may not know what status quo means, but they know they like it. Regardless of trends, Taureans are grounded in the realms of their own tastes. Happy to confess that they dislike most music released after a certain age, they don’t care that the certain age was 21. Being around a Taurus puts on in touch with one’s own inner straight person. There is nothing wrong with choosing comfort, the good life and nice furnishings over nerves and insanity. Straight may be the new avant-garde.

Freud’s Famous Couch!

“Freud was an art collector, a shopaholic and a tomb raider. By 1938, he was the proud owner of 2000 exquisite antiquities. ‘I must always have an object to love’, he told Carl Jung. Though he prescribed the intense, inner journey of psychoanalysis for the wealthy worried of Vienna, Freud’s own remedy was retail therapy. “

This is a tidbit from Janine Burke, the art historian and Piscean genius as an illo of Freud’s Taurean nature. Anal indeed.

Low Cow is GREEDY. Taureans think greed is good only they’ve made it New Age and call it “manifesting abundance.” They suffer from shocking Thing Lust and, like devotees of an ancient cargo cult, they think objects have souls with which they commune. In his will, William Shakespeare left Mrs Shakespeare his “second-best bed.” Taurus returns from an exotic holiday with the high point having been the vicious haggling of some hapless street merchant. Even wealthy Cows can often not resist referring to the cost or alleged elite nature of their latest Thing. They are especially irksome when ensuring that the correct charges are extracted for a group dinner. After all, why should Taurus pay for a barely-nibbled-at bruschetta?

Low Cow is TYRANNICAL; Taureans think right equals might and, naturally, they are right. They may not be guilt-inducing champions like cousin Virgo, but they try some fairly hefty moral judgement calls. They can’t help seeing themselves as respectable standard bearers of common decency. Sundry irritants of life such as a surly sales assistant become markers of social decline. Demonstrating the flip side to their loyalty, they can also turn into social stalkers: some friends are for life…Or else. Another reason they are so good at hanging onto old acquaintances is that they see them as visible proof that nothing has, in fact, changed. One needs a lawyer to insult Taureans, as that is practically the only insult they notice.

Low Cow is CONTROL-FREAKY. Heaven help the person who doesn’t want to do what the Taurus wants them to do, like eating the food they think you should like, attending an art exhibition they know you will benefit from or dating them because you need proper structure in your life. The Taurean “no” means “piss off” but your “no” is a mere formality, a bleat of stupidity because you are too weak-minded to properly grasp that the Taurus has made up their so-called mind. Resisting the Taurus is not exactly futile but it does leave you open to a long-winded, pompous lecture full of ponderous moralising drivel. Taurus knows that you will eventually be bored into submission.

Low Cow is OBSTINATE; Taurus is akin to a big boat that takes ages to respond to the wheel but then charges off full-steam ahead, almost unstoppable. Their so-precious respectability cloaks inertia. Some are so old-school that they still want to write their control-freaking memos with a quill dipped in  ink, to be delivered by personal carrier pigeon. A room of their own? They crave a rut of their own. Even if the Taurus is totally wrong, they will bulldoze through, oblivious to everything but their own power of will. This is obviously wonderful for when they’re giving up smoking or single-handedly building a new garage in a day, but vile when they’re fanging down the freeway in the wrong direction, oblivious to any advice, because they know best.

I am not sure why precisely but i consider BOTH of these looks really Cancerian-Crabby-Kataka.

AND WHAT is the hand thingie above called? Because I think that’s mega-Crab.

I think they would like the medieval vibe of it…no?

And in fact, whilst we’re on this, it is mostly Cancerians and Taureans who like going to/doing anything medieval themed isn’t it?

Like those naff banqueting halls, re-enactments and all. They love how flattering they think the clothes are, the ye olde vibe & that furniture was better made in those days. Perhaps also a world where there was Proper Help and no faddy food allergies.

Help. I am channelling someone.  A batty Cancerian-Taurus relative, clearly.  I did have a BBC Costume drama fetishising relative & I could elaborate but Cancerian-Taurus types are also v.litigious.

See Also: Ladies In Leopardskin & the Followers Of Dionysus

Oh there are many fine things about Our Cow and just the other day i was pontificating about their sacred nature and all but let’s admit they are also truculent as hell – seriously incapable of grasping a nuance if it strips off and pole dances in front of them. Taureans like to do things properly – that is THEIR way & in slo-mo lest the awful discovery that someone else might know more de-man them or cast doubt on the Taurean METHOD or system. And yes i said ‘de-man’ because i think Taurus men ARE trickier than the ladies. I think it has to do with Taurus being ruled by Venus…But why should this make them so pompous??? So stuff-oriented…? Or have I just been jaded by contact with a few low-dude Taureans???

These are some of the tres Taurean traits that emerged…

…He had an obsessive vision re interior decor. It was all to be black and white with absolutely no colour. (This makes me think of how Hitler wanted to have abstract artists sterilized and that was even before he got cracking on the rest of it). Madoff’s staff had to constantly use tape measures to ensure that all the desks were the same height & the pictures an absolutely even distance apart. They were also given black marker pens to do touch-ups between paint jobs on the black skirting boards…

His P.A never once saw him studying any documents, using a computer or a mobile phone. Yet he had cameras installed to monitor the conduct of his staff when he was not there. He always ate precisely the same thing every day for breakfast, lunch and dinner.   All of his properties were full of sculptures and BULL pictures. When he was a child, his brothers used to wind him up terribly by mixing up his sock drawer…

The reason? I was scanning my gym iPod playlist & realised it’s become even more hopelessly naff than usual. I mean super-naff.

It is full of weird remixed versions of songs that were crap in the first place BUT the point is they’re all at some perfect beats-per-minute for cardio thing. I get them off iTunes & they’re all like this.

They do the trick.

Anyway, I was thinking that the Taurus-Ex would FLIP. He was such a Music Snob. I personally don’t care if another person doesn’t want to talk about/understand/think about some astro-vagary or Wiccan trivia or essential oils, scented candles, whatevs.

But Taurus-Ex would act stunned if i didn’t realise that some stupid drummer had LEFT whatever-band & contributed deeply to the harder basslines in the new group formed by…blah blah blah. He’d go gobbing off. And when confronted with my music collection/preferred radio station, he would act like a Virgo finding cockroaches in the fridge.

And I think ALL Taureans are Music Snobs. I knew an older one who, when I said I hadn’t heard of some harp-playing guy, went off as if I still thought the Sun revolved around the Earth. My dreadful ignorance etc etc.  IN the Taurus-Ex’s defence, he was brilliant to relax with. Taureans make it easy to sit around the couch, drinking wine & rambling on. Plus they will dish out massages.

Whereas you try just stuffing around in Zen-Sloth mode on the couch with a Leo or Gemini & you’ll know all about it real fast. Leo will be pissed off that it’s not in public, nor fabulous. Gemini will short-circuit with boredom. Oh and a Sagg…They would barely sit down before dumping you for someone “less sedentary.”