astrology humour

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One For Lower Gemini Delia Antwerp Aaars

March 17, 2010 in Astro Gaga by Mystic Medusa | 29 comments

Michaelangelo Di Battista

It’s been a while but this is definitely one for the lookbook of Lower Gemini  Delia Antwerp Aaars

She’d like the feathery hoodie look – is it feathers? – and the oblique permission given for her to take up smoking again.

Now that the Sun is being rehabbed due to everyone being vitamin D deficient, she feels it’s only a matter of time before smoking is declared to be a valuable stimulant to the respiratory system.

This picture also inspires her to adopt a more “exotic” ancestry.  She likes the vibe of Haitian and that it would give her a good excuse to dabble (okay, again) in Voodoo but fears people will think she’s just being opportunistic with the quake. And that is NOT what gave her the idea.

Modern Mayan? Something a bit Latin so there’s olive skin (stupid bitch at the spray tan spa never does it dark enough for Delia’s liking) and plenty of smoking, pacing about and madness. Exotic but not ethnic. An exotic background will also certainly help her get her long awaited solo exhibition up…

Does anyone want Delia to have her own category?

Astro-Gaga: The Ultimate Challenge

March 12, 2010 in Astro Gaga by Mystic Medusa | 56 comments

Vogue Italia March 2010 Miles Aldridge

Oh ALL right, I am fibbing.

This is not the Ultimate Challenge. But you must admit that this gorgeous picture is even more ripe for Astro-Gaga than usual…non?

The prize for the best/funniest astrological interpretation of this scenario is a year’s subscription to the Daily Mystic. If you already have one, you can give to a friend and earn enormous cred for being both cosmic and generous.

My feeling is that they are all really pissed and yet bored. I am thinking that the set of legs parked on the pristine tablecloth belong to an aristocratic Leo or Libra (table setting? exfoliated limbs?) who has invited a bunch of Saggos around with the promise of work at her African “lodge” but now it turns out that she does not really “own” it “as such” and that there are a few “complications with paperwork”…what she really wants is for the Saggos to utilize their insanely over-hyped “media connections” to publicise Leo/Libra’s new range of  Vajazzle.

Thoughts?

Astro-Gaga: Another Competition

March 9, 2010 in Astro Gaga by Mystic Medusa | 45 comments

Craig McDean – Interview Magazine

Rightio.

Three Months Of Alpha Mystic (Daily Mystic to your in-box, Daily, Weekly + Monthly Scopes and the Saturn Girl Scheduler) is the prize for the person with the best astro-analysis of this scenario.

I am just absolutely mystified.  To me it vaguely vibes of Piscean teenagers rendered completely nuts by the blast of invective and lecture-rant of the Capricorn parents who have just arrived home to find that nothing on the to-do list has been done. But I am sure you guys can do better than that.

Lady Gaga – Aries Or Pisces? This Proves It…

March 8, 2010 in Celeb Fluffery by Mystic Medusa | 65 comments

Last March, when i first posted about Lady Gaga & some peeps had the nerve to dispute my Mercury in Aries statement that she would be a big star, there were two different birthdates floating about for her. So i said she was a Pisces.  Now the official birthdate is March 28 – Aries. Though the March 20 birthday still has currency. Anyway, this interview from The Moment totally confirms that she’s a Ramzilla to the Max…but what rising? I think Uranus in Capricorn…Calculating & groundbreaking.

My theory:  Given a quarter of the chance – forget  half – any Aries person will refer to her/himself in the third person. They LOVE IT. Way more than Leo even BUT read this for pure Ramzilla hubris and the brilliant quote re the vagina. That is heaven. I am so appropriating that to use as a sort of more or less all-purpose statement/excuse.

THE MOMENT: You say you are an acute assessor of fame. You of all people must know, then, that celebrity is fleeting. Doesn’t that scare the bejesus out of you?

LADY GAGA: Not in the book of Gaga.

THE MOMENT Sorry?

LADY GAGA: In the book of Gaga, fame is in your heart, fame is there to comfort you, to bring you self-confidence and worth whenever you need it. I want my fans to love themselves. It’s almost like I want to hypnotize them so when they hear my music they love themselves instantly.

THE MOMENT: Don’t you think it’s kind of creepy when you refer to yourself in the third person?

LADY GAGA: No. Not if you’re an artist, it’s not. I talk about myself in the third person all the time. I don’t live my life in the way someone like you does. I live my life completely serving only my work and my fans. And that way, I have to think about not what is best for my vagina but what is best for my fans and for me artistically.

Astro-Gaga: Coitus Virgo Interruptus

March 8, 2010 in Astro Gaga by Mystic Medusa | 31 comments

Steven Meisel – Vogue Italia March 2010

You know what? I am not even going to bother making this is a competition because it’s SO obvious and I’ve already won….

Never mind HER sign, the bloke is clearly a Virgo & he’s leapt out of bed in a Virgoan frenzy having sensed that the neighbour is once again letting his poodle piss on the Virgo’s apartment stairs. Or, this could be worse: He suddenly remembered that the doormat across the road was crooked and he’s glaring to see if anyone has straightened it yet.

Of course he could be a Virgo who has called a halt to sexual proceedings after glimpsing a strange stain on that lampshade and he KNOWS it is petty so is just collecting himself, a few deep breaths to deal with the situation and he will be fine.

He is also wearing sandals on her lovely floor so as not to catch some nasty fungal disorder on his feet and she is a Gemini attempting to both look sexy, flatter her boobs AND reach over behind the chaise lounge for her mobile.

Thoughts?

Astro-Decor: Which Sign Would Covet This Thing?

March 2, 2010 in Astro-Decor by Mystic Medusa | 26 comments

It’s only $100,ooo USD and the Aqua-Lounger is apparently reminiscent of the way more expensive submarine whale watching experience offered by various underwater hotels etc. I THINK that is the point. It’s like a budget submarinal experience and without all the stress of actually being underwater. Only it’s canned water & I’m presuming there is no aquatic life in the lounger…Apart from SEA LICE? O.m.g. and hideously strong Feng Shui Water placement if you don’t bung it in the right spot?

Which Sign Would Covet This Thing?

* Wealthy Stoner Sagg?

* Aries Root-Rat Trying For A More “sensitive” Seductive Pull?

*Piscean Heiress For The Guest Room?

No way would an Aquarius want it. They’re currently channelling a Shaker-Quaker aesthetic .

Astro-Gaga: Saggo In The Henhouse?

March 1, 2010 in Astro Gaga by Mystic Medusa | 48 comments

Francois Rotger Marie-Claire Italia

So, w.t.f. is going on here?  At first I thought Saggo in the Henhouse, scheming her escape from suburbia, where nobody can see what flights she’s booking. But Saggo would never wear white. There is a Leo vibe going on with the hair but wouldn’t a Leo be worried that some sort of bird lice might inadvertently get into her hair?  I mean, it could be a Leo sulking in the henhouse.  Or a Virgo who’s gotten UP in the middle of the night to go and clean the henhouse – that  outfit is just in case her cute neighbour hears the noise of her vacuum cleaner spluttering from all the dirt and wakes up to see what she is going. I actually do  have a Virgo relation who would routinely wake up at about 2am to clean or go and weed. With vigour and great glee. Thoughts?

Astro-Query: Family Dinners

February 26, 2010 in Astro-Query by Mystic Medusa | 98 comments

Let’s do this thus: You have to say “I Am A Pisces…” Or whatever your sign is…”And I think family dinners are…”

Eg; “I am a Leo and I think family dinners are the ideal opportunity for me to show off my grasp of gourmet trends and fine wines.”

Or “I am an Aquarius and I think family dinners are hell on earth because they usually get in the way of my current regime.”

Or “I am a Taurus and I think family dinners are the common ground of decency and nourishment upon which our civilisation is based.”

Or “I am a Pisces and I think family dinners are fine if i can drink because I still haven’t gotten over the Festen style farce that were family dinners in my childhood.”

Or “I am a Libra and I think family dinners need a divine, radiant and inspirational table setting. Can there be candles? It’s all about the lighting.”

I am mostly just thinking of this because i keep reading articles (from the Pluto in Leo baby boomers?) linking the decline in families eating together at home to all sorts of dysfunction but barely anyone I know actually does it on a regular basis.

Astro-Gaga: What Signs Are They? Another Libran Fembot?

February 24, 2010 in Astro Gaga by Mystic Medusa | 55 comments

V Magazine

Here we go again!  A three month complimentary Alpha-Mystic subscription to the person who comes up with the funniest Sun Sign and back story combo for this pair.

It’s actually Leo supermod Carolyn Murphy doing a sort of ‘older wimmyn’ scenario…the lingerie annoys me though. Is she meant to be 100 and in mourning? I know, I know, it’s fashionable.

Anyway, from the Astro-Gaga Point Of View, I am thinking that she is actually one of those Libran Fembots everyone’s going mad for right now and he’s a Saggo who’s stalled it by mistake and now he’s frantically skimming the instruction manual, wondering if he should text his Virgo mate who actually knows how to READ instruction manuals.

Astro-Query: Vengeful Venom

February 24, 2010 in Astro-Query by Mystic Medusa | 139 comments

Yes, we all know that Scorpio is officially the most vengeful sign. And the actual real-life Scorpion stinging itself and anyone nearby in the bum just to make a point clearly doesn’t help either. Still, some of the most vengeful peeps i’ve heard of have actually been Leos…

Or, to be fair, the lower versions of ANY sign. I hate it. And I hate reading those stupid articles about people cutting up other peeps clothes or whatever and them being portrayed as cool. Web rants? Yick.

Living well is the only revenge, obviously, but please – stating your Sun Sign and any other relevant astrological info – let’s try to figure out which sign actually does have the most vengeful tendencies. I’d say Capricorns, Leos and Aquarians can be shockers…Cancerians and Scorps never forget and, well, dear Virgo can bring details of a misdemeanor up DECADES later. Not because they’re vengeful but because they keep tabs.

Pisces, Gemini & Libra are totally in the ‘living well’ camp and rather than scheming revenge, they’re more likely to get drunk and fantasize about the person who did them wrong being forced to watch them winning an Oscar/being canonised/frolicking in the Maldives with an A-List Beautiful Person fawning all over them.

But my vote for most all-time vengeful? Taurus. You know it. Thoughts?

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