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Hi-Lo Astro: Haute Pisces – Low Pisces

February 19, 2010 in Hi-Lo Astro by Mystic Medusa | 69 comments

“When genius interacts with mediocre minds, expect violent opposition.”

HAUTE PISCES IS…

AMAZING Pisceans pull off the miraculous every day. Whether it be something spectacular, turning water into wine like Jesus Christ whom scholars think was more likely to be Pisces (that is, born in March) than a Capricorn (who would have become chief carpenter to Pontius Pilate rather than have himself crucified), turning around their own life or brightening that of another, their presence can be a constant reminder that miracles are all around us. French tightrope walker Charles Blondin was the first (and last) person to successfully cross Niagara falls on stilts.

ALLURING Their charm is supernatural. They tune into the subtle needs of people around them, providing whatever is required at that moment. They effortlessly project sensual innocence, a trait capable of making certain types fall instantly in love with them. In others, Pisces induces a besotted state by bringing out their bawdy hedonism or deep understanding.

COSMIC Pisceans don’t believe in the universe. They believe in a “multiverse.” Pisceans aren’t futuristic like Aquarius. They are past, present, and future concurrently. Pisceans are said to be big on forgiveness and this gentle aura can confuse the more predatory people around them. They think Pisces looks like a walkover. Pisces smiles and says “I forgive you,” and they do! What the predator doesn’t get is that the cosmos doesn’t forgive. Pisces knows how to “register” the insult at a higher level and walk away.

COMPASSIONATE Piscean kindness is legendary. They can be utterly saint-like in their gracious taking in of the lost or lovelorn. Expecting no thanks, they give, give and give again without weirdo motives. It’s like they think it’s their duty. Maybe it is?

EMPATHETIC Unlike Virgos who can’t resist a quick little “told you so”, Pisceans do not sit in judgement. Other signs pretend to listen with lots of little coos but butt in with a “something like that happened to me once!” Pisceans get it. Their eerie sympathy shines out in the Fishy aura with the result that people start telling them stuff even when the poor Pisces is a child. The Fish kid is the one picked out by the tipsy adult to hear all about the failed marriage, desire for liposuction, fear of mortality…whatever. And the desire to confess to Pisceans never stops. Fish folk grow up thinking this is normal. Naturally, it can be a blight on Pisces’ life. When it’s all too much they need to channel cousin Capricorn and learn how to snarl “it’s not convenient”.

A MAGICAL-REALIST Even as children, so many Pisceans believe they have been here before. While other kids are busy acting out the latest juvenile pop-culture thing, Pisces is doodling hieroglyphics or interpreting their dreams. They see the enchantment in everyday life, scrying the white noise in between-channel moments of the television for cosmic clues, divining oracles in birds or graffiti, or seeing the beauty of the flowering weed pushing up through the footpath. Whether they consciously know it or not, they are aligned with the occult (aka unseen powers) of the worlds around us.

LOW PISCES

“F**k them. Remember, this is the shortest prayer in the world. F**k them.
Gary Oldman

IMPOSSIBLE One moment Pisces is playing worldly wise citizen of the world. The next, they’ve tuned into their always-close-to-the-surface inner teen and are consulting the I-Ching for insight into some hopeless crush they’ve managed to develop, or seeing how their kissing style feels on the inside of their arm. Or, if forced out of their bedroom and into attending a social function, muttering angrily into their mobile. Pisceans are perfectly happy to sit there chain-smoking and sculling gin while bitching about the evils of white flour. Their seedy state the following morning is quite clearly due to a food sensitivity, you understand. Probably from something you cooked them. If a Pisces manages to vaguely eschew their preferred lifestyle of feckless hedonism for five minutes, they’re enormously self-congratulatory. A Pisces who conducts a civilised relationship for three weeks, buys new clothes without a hyperventilating anxiety attack in the middle of the store, or speaks to an authority figure without dissolving into hysterical giggles is a Pisces on the verge of organising a lecture tour to share the secrets of their success.

SNEAKY Pisceans go online and offline but nobody ever notices. If your energy doesn’t vibe with theirs, they are offline but the hype and gush continues unabated. Then, if believing it, you call to ask the Pisces to a dinner party or something, they accuse you of stalking them. Their need to be all things to all people can turn ugly. Even mega-pagan Pisces still wants the priest to be impressed at the Piscean’s innate holiness. Trying to pin them down on some moral issue is almost impossible. Pisces simply figures on which character they are supposed to be playing and goes within to find their motivation. For people who ostensibly believe so much in beauty and truth, they are horrifyingly good liars, embellishing everything to suit their agenda. But the agenda slides around and only Pisces has any hope of keeping track of it.

SLEAZY Yes, the Pisces is non-judgmental. But that’s partly because they elicit so much more juicier info that way. Beneath that Fishy “I’m okay, you’re okay” smirk is a Rolodex brain rifling through all the possible connections and ramifications, flipping out with glee. They adore interfering in other people’s lives. Should Pisces decide your lover is beneath you, Pisces will helpfully – in their mind – start looking for your true soul mate as well as doing their best to undermine the apparently inferior scenario. Pisceans believe in freedom of choice and that nobody should ever, ever interfere in another’s right to live their life how they choose. Unless it’s the Fish who’s doing the interfering. That’s okay, of course, because Pisces is such a blissed-out cosmic child of the “multiverse”. The Pisces “do what thou wilt” theories evaporate the second it doesn’t suit them – that is if it’s you doing what thou wilt.

UNREALISTIC This lot can be so not into reality that they wind up as utter cadgers, sponging off the “straights” they expect to look after them while honouring the Piscean genius. For Pisces to be able to create, they need a clean and serene environment. Someone – not the Pisces, obviously – needs to rise at dawn to perform space-cleansing in preparation for Pisces (who has been in a lengthy dream-analysis session, aka sleeping in) to be the graciously living creative person. Pisces wants a towering pile of glossy magazines to trigger the brilliance, and Pisces gets. Or else. Ditto, the jag of throwing out all the music to start again. Or, the special trip away so that Pisces doesn’t need to think about boring old bills. If anyone made a sci-fi film about a Pisces, it would be called The Procrastinator and feature a time-travelling droid with red eyes gliding around telling people its spaced-out excuses for not completing…anything. Pisceans believe in everything in moderation, including – obviously – moderation itself.

Hi-Lo Astro: Haute Aquarius – Low Aquarius

January 21, 2010 in Hi-Lo Astro by Mystic Medusa | 103 comments

ALICE WALKER

HAUTE AQUARIUS IS:

ORIGINAL: Aquarians don’t give a toss about the generally accepted version of reality. They don’t march to the beat of a different drummer – they march to the beat of an instrument that hasn’t even been invented yet. Throughout history, Aquarians have been the mystics dabbling in alchemy, the mavericks insisting that the earth is round or that it revolves around the sun when everyone knew that our world was the centre of the galaxy. Astronomer Galileo got excommunicated and placed under house arrest yet still managed to invent the telescope, among other things. Aquarians are nearly all inventive by nature. It is a rare Aquarius who has not got a few mind-bending concepts tucked away.

VISIONARY: The future is here and it looks like fun, says the fearless Aqua. Aquarians enjoy visualising a Uptopian new world order. They really do vibe to the Age of Aquarius: “Harmony and understanding…mystic crystal revelations.”

REVOLUTIONARY: Even the most seemingly straight, sheepish, gray-tracksuit wearing Aquarius person you know is quietly subverting society. They don’t necessarily need green hair or extensive body hair to do it. These natural-born radicals tend to live ahead of their times. The world needs them because they believe in changing the world and empowering practically everyone. They’ll happily take a day off from whatever it is they officially do to get involved in a protest campaign. Aquarians believe in consumer power and put their money where their mouth is. An amazing proportion of them are vegetarians and no matter what the temptation, they tend not to buy products from companies with abhorrent politics or environmental non-policy. To an Aquarius, there is no such thing as a minority and even if there is, why is that an excuse to ignore it?

STUNNING: Aquarians are stunning in a space-age way. Their face has the symmetry of Libra but with an alien air. Their charisma is wired, hyped, and capable of literally changing the energy in a room. They tend to polarise people, producing emotions of either extreme attraction or actual repulsion.

HILARIOUS: Aquarians are extraordinarily funny. Their iconoclastic sense of humour and lack of regard for convention produce an apt flippancy like nothing else. As someone once said  of U.S. actress Tallulah Bankhead “Tallulah never bored anyone and that is humanitarianism of a very high order indeed.” An accomplished stage, movie, radio and TV performer, she even starred in the original Batman series. An openly bisexual, cocaine-snorting actress, she had affairs with people as diverse as actors Gary Cooper and Greta Garbo. “Daddy warned me about men and booze but he never said a word about women and cocaine.”

ELECTRIFYING: They are the all-time greatest networkers – they match-make soul mates and casually perform career-altering introductions. Aquarians alter someone’s life for the better without even noticing they’re doing it. Sometimes they’ll find you something before you even know you need it. If they can be bothered tuning in to you for five seconds, the advice is superb. But bear in mind that five seconds is the base unit of Aquarian concentration. That’s as long as it takes to say “here is the number of my genius osteopath” or “you should be working with my friend Thingie, I’ll email the company tomorrow.”

LOW AQUARIUS IS:

Rasputin

ERRATIC: Aquarians can completely freak out at having to attend something as innocuous as a wedding invitation but put a note in their planner to overthrow the pharmaceutical industry complex next Tuesday. In social life they go way beyond playing devil’s advocate. The Aquarian will tell outrageous fibs to bolster their suddenly held view that the world has, in fact, been flat all along. Why? Because they can. Blessed with a highly active sixth sense, Aquarians have problems tuning into the usual five senses. They see things that aren’t there, hear voices when nobody is in the room, and get electric shocks from things that aren’t even electric. They get the giggles at momentous occasions. Aquarius is officially associated with groups but, like so much to do with this sign, that’s really more of a concept. In real life, Aquarians often dislike groups. Belonging to one would mean they’d have to cooperate or, as they call it, compromise their principles.

BOMBASTIC:  An Aquarius does not just clean the house. They find that sort of stifling bourgeois shit too tiresome. Instead, the Aquarian rearranges the furniture, sandblasts the floors, tears a wall down if possible, gets the place feng shuied, and buys new linen. Though they are the opposite sign to Leo, they share the huge ego. An Aquarius languishing from lack of attention takes it just as hard as Leo. But Leo knows how to suavely switch the spotlight back onto themselves. Aquarius starts saying the most dreadful things, regardless of whom they alienate. Aquarians have just two social speeds: focused suck-up mode for people worth impressing and maverick-genius-goads-intellectual-inferior mode.

COLD: Due to their oft-adopted glacially cool detatchment, it can be difficult to tell what an Aquarius person is feeling. Why? Because they have no feelings, at least, not as normal people know them. They feel that an overt display of actual emotion is almost wanton. If you confide an important secret to an Aquarian, just be aware that they are already thinking of you as Subject A, or as something akin to a lab rat. Aquarius ponders the correct response, wondering whether to issue the verbal equivalent of a rat food pellet or weensy electric shock. This “life is a laboratory” approach garners valuable information for Aquarians’ ongoing research into humanity project and gives them clues for how they might best fake a feeling, should circumstances require it.

ARROGANT: Aquarians love humanity but loathe people. They can easily work up more emotion on behalf of beggars in the street or battery hens than they can for their own nearest and dearest. Those who do not know them well often call Aquarians hypocritical. Those who are close to an Aquarius can expound upon the topic at length. Nobody does armchair anarchy or chardonnay politics as well as Aquarius. Aquarians are free spirits, unfettered by bourgeois convention. Don’t fence them in but heaven save you should you want your space. It was said of actor John Barrymore that he was “given to sudden fits of generosity and equally fitful moods of self-centred arrogance.” Think that could apply to any old person? Perhaps, but you have to remember that the Aquarian version of being generous is giving away practically their entire library to a stranger on some whim. Their fits of self-centred arrogance defy belief. Their genius will not be stifled by some idiot. That is…You.

Hi-Lo Astro: Haute Capricorn – Low Capricorn

January 7, 2010 in Hi-Lo Astro by Mystic Medusa | 78 comments

David Bowie

HAUTE CAPRICORN IS:

SMART: Capricorns can hound offspring to find lost library books, plan menus for the dinner party, and compose a speech to the nation, all at the same time and all without the slightest stress in their mind. They have a lengthy to-do list dancing around in their head at any one time and, unlike certain other signs, all are feasible. All get done.

SEXY: Capricorn appeal is modern, snazzy, and always together. Already a sensual Earth sign like Taurus and Virgo, Capricorn adds the worldly wit and magnetism that is the gift of Saturn. Capricorns are elegantly ribald and able to conduct flirtations and romances in an appealing grown-up and sophisticated style. They get more attractive the more mature they get.

AMBITIOUS: No matter how well certain Capricorns (comic actors Howard Stern, Jim Carrey, Tracey Ullman) disguise themselves as ditsy free spirits imbued with divine carelessness, they are extremely pragmatic. Weirdness is a well-considered career move. They are expert at energy conservation and will not get worked up about anything unless they’re going to get really worked up. Then they reach out and sue someone. Capricorns are here on earth to create structure. They do it in their day jobs, they do it in their ultimate career plan, and they do it in their daily life. They have an awesome ability for grind, toil, mentoring and that science of networking.

CLASSY: Capricorns find salvation in the details. Flowers say so much about a person, particularly if they are just that moment in season or very difficult to grow. A Capricorn CD rack is not usually clogged up with cover-less Greatest 80s-style discs, scratched from being chucked about at the latest party. Instead it will feature a selection of favourably reviewed contemporary musical items and non-cheesy classics. As Capricorn author Quentin Crisp wrote,  “most people are at present content to cherish their mere identity. This is not enough. Our identity is just a group of ill-assorted characteristics that we happen to be born with. Like our fingerprints, if they are noticed at all, they will probably be used against us. You have to polish up your raw identity into a lifestyle so that you can barter with the outside world for what you want. This polishing process makes your life so formal that, by comparison, the life of a Trappist monk is an orgy.”

COOL: These people are blessed with enviable calmness. They can cope with the most full-on stress event without stressing out. It’s one of the reasons they’re so sought after and successful. The stiff-upper-lip ideal was coined with Capricorns in mind. They’re glacially cool and always in control.

TENACIOUS: No matter what the conditions are like at the beginning, Capricorns can claw their way out of some swamp to create the life most desired. Many of them have astonishing “before” pics tucked away. Or, more likely destroyed.

“When the president does it, that means it isn’t illegal…” Former U.S. President Richard Nixon.

LO-CAPRICORN IS:

CREEPY What do you say after you say hello? Capricorns could try not saying or implying “what have you done for me lately?” Or, “I’d like to take a few minutes of your time to discuss an exciting business opportunity…” A Capricorn can literally act as if you did not exist for years. And then, when you hit the news with your invention which would have sold for an undisclosed amount of money believed to be in the vicinity of trillions, guess who’s first to make contact? Remember that the Capricorn motto is “I use” and they will. They are particularly good at harbouring their own resources while shamelessly cadging off those of others. They get away with this by giving off straight vibes and making everyone else appear quite flaky in comparison. When asked for help, they won’t help. But they’ll always have a variety of sensible excuses. You feel embarrassed for even asking.

DISHONEST: They can justify anything. Embezzlement of funds? Just an unauthorised loan. Faked your doctorate? They were simply trying to better themselves. That lollipop? The baby dropped it. Capricorns are enormously judgmental about the foibles of other people, but blessed with deep reservoirs of understanding for their own less-than-candid outings. They lie in order to bolster their own position, avoid some nasty truth about themselves emerging, get out of giving you back the book they borrowed (“Oh no, that’s not your book-it’s mine, I’ve had it since I was a child!”), undermine an opponent, destablise a lover’s self-confidence, or aggrandize their career. The one thing they don’t do is lie for leisure or to embellish a story and make it funnier. Capricorns always have a motive, which excuses the fib in their own computer-like minds.

SELFISH: Capricorn self-interest is so over the top that it can be literally alarming. Should you or your agenda not fit the vicious Cap world view or clash with an ambition of the Capricorn’s – guess who’s suddenly enemy number one, to be rolled at the earliest opportunity? That’s right. You. Everyone knows about fight or flight; Capricorns have elaborated the choice to fight, flight, or groom themselves to mate with the victor.

SNOBBY: Caps work so hard to be somebody. They replace shabby friends just as ruthlessly as they edit their underwear drawer. Hollywood legend Cary Grant used to be an Archibald Leach. Note how his roles carefully branded him as a wealthy, witty, and well-bred catch. There is no such thing as casual Capricorn entertaining. It simply does not count as an occasion if it doesn’t involve catering, sandblasting, unsustainable debt, and an anxiety attack. Even if their job requires them to wear a name tag, Capricorn will still be completely full of it, judgmental, and petty about people’s position in life. Whether it’s name-dropping, paranoia about whether or not Capricorn is “keeping up” or naked attempts at social one-upmanship, Capricorn is there.

Hi-Lo Astro: Haute Sagittarius – Low Sagittarius

November 24, 2009 in Hi-Lo Astro by Mystic Medusa | 88 comments

charmian1922248359Charmian Kittredge-Ultra Sagg

“She had a rich and stimulating voice with a wide tone range, laughed a great deal, even though the point of humour might be obscure, and was an indegatigable talker. She could carry on an intelligent and logical discussion, for she had a varied flow of words and phrases. A woman of great physical courage, she was the first to ride astride a horse into the hills when few women were riding at all, and those who dared were riding English side-saddle on the Golden Gate Park bridle paths. She had a deep love of horses. Ambitious, both socially and intellectually, she worked hard to advance herself, and saved her money with which to take a trip through Europe, did a little painting on China dishes, tried hard to make progress each year over the last.”

Description of U.S. novelist and ultra-Sagg Charmain Kittredge (1871-1955), who was novelist Jack London’s wife.

HAUTE SAGITTARIUS IS:

SPUNKY Sagittarians are like the people in personal advertisements would be if they weren’t lying. Sagg really is as comfortable in a ballgown as in a pair of jeans, as happy bushwhacking as they are flying into an exciting new city. Even weirder, they’re like people in television commercials. Sagg girls do come striding out of some shop, swing their shiny hair around, smile at the cute guy lurking behind their snazzy car that they managed to park right outside wherever they’re at. Sagg guys wake up in the morning, looking hot, sing in the shower, bounce downstairs for a smoothie breakfast, and zoom off to tennis or sailing.

JOYOUS Saggs are keen to maintain a high level of personal optimism and glee in life. The one time a month they get around to cleaning the house, they will be deliriously happy with the way everything gleams. More dour types accuse them of being on drugs. They’re not. Oh, all right, maybe some of them are but their love of living bubbles up from deep within them, like mineral water from a deep secret source at the base of a volcano. They’re idealist so while they do angst about genetically engineered food and endangered wild animals, they keep it real and positive. They rant on to everyone they know, spreading the word, fire off letters and petitions and attend protests.

FUN-LOVING Like Spanish painter Picasso’s Sagg lover Francoise Gilot, they think life is a one-way ticket…it can only be lived forward. British poet William Blake said the path of excess leads to the palace of wisdom. Sagg has a huge appetite for everything life has to offer. A Sagittarian would volunteer for a backyard cloning experiment if they were in the mood. Saggs love flying off to a great beach or going halfway across the planet for a fabulous party. A Sagg can be at a ski-resort toga party on the Saturday night and back in time for Sunday morning’s aquarobics class before heading off to lunch.

CANDID Saggs can puncture the most pompous bore with a well-aimed quip. As novelist Mark Twain wrote, “power, money, persusasion, supplication, persecution – these can lift at a colossal humbug – push it a little, weaken it a little over the course of a century; but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.” Incidentally, Twain once sent all his friends telegrams saying, “All is discovered – flee at once,” and to his amusement many of them did. Writer Nancy Mitford created a huge stir with Noblesse Oblige, her best-selling guide to what is and is not upper class.

IN-THE-MOMENT Sagittarius loves to savour the moment, relishing the abundance of life whether they are skydiving, larking it up on a cocktail bar, or doing something as mundane as scraping a squashed snail off their foot. Like 19th century British novelist Jane Austen (Pride and Prejudice), Sagittarians “think only of the past as its rememberance gives pleasure.”

MOTIVATIONAL A Sagittarian’s sheer delight in living inspires all around them to go for it and follow their own dreams. And Sagg’s bawdy good humour enlivens everything.

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LO-SAGGO IS:

IRRESPONSIBLE Sagittarians can walk – or sprint more like it – away from any problem. And what is a problem to these people? Responsibility or, as they call it, ‘’negativity’’. They can’t hack the idea of being unable to cope, so they won’t cope. See? It’s a choice that Sagg has made – because they’re dynamic, adventurous, and free-willed. Hey, they just didn’t want to hang around and put up with that negative crap. Their idea of dealing with an issue is to make it your problem. Sagittarians are prone to storming out and telling someone to get their crap together even when it is clearly the Sagg’s crap. Even worse is the Sagg who’s done therapy: “I’m picking up that you’re in a really resentful place right now…” before galloping out of the door because “I don’t want to go there with this negativity…” If responsibility was a place, Sagg wouldn’t even be able to find it. Sagg would think it was like Narnia in the C.S. Lewis book The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, where you had to go through the back of the magic wardrobe to find whatever you were looking for. Some Saggs don’t even like the word “place”. It sounds too fixed. They prefer “space”. Sagittarians have spaces in their heart, not places. They have their space in the sun, and their moral-high space.

TACTLESS Sagg lack of tact is legendary. They drop the most amazing “did she just say what I think she said?” clangers and they don’t even work at it. Never let a Sagg just wing it for a speech at a wedding, funeral or christening. As everyone cringes, Sagg will smirk, thinking “at least I tell it like it is”.

SELF-CENTRED You say ego, Sagg thinks self-esteem. Because so many Saggs have a bohemian aura, their ego can go undetected. It will be swamped in a sea of intellectual discourse, full-on raves about principle, and general Sagg swagger. But it’s there, even if this lot do start off every second sentence with “I don’t want to boast but…” They get frustrated when their support system slackens off. They don’t get it that it’s not the done thing to screech “don’t you know who I am?” at their own family like a has-been soap star being refused an A-list table. A Sagg can neglect to notice when the natives are restless. A Sagg can think the fact that their partner barely has the energy to do anything other than nod “yes, dear” is a good thing. It means the person is becoming accustomed to being a valet or handmaiden to Sagg genius. Then they act all appalled when an outbreak of “negativity” occurs in their life. Many a Sagg has returned from a surfing safari with their ex-lover to find their home empty.

FULL OF CRAP It would be so cool if Sagittarians came equipped with a mute button. They go on and on and on. Ideally, like the characters on television, they would not know that they had been muted. They carry with them an invisible soapbox on which they leap to deliver their interminable preachy raves. They can be so in love with their own righteousness that they don’t even realise they are pulverizing someone else’s psyche. Not deliberately, of course.Our Sagg is totally into freedom and self-expression for all life forms. Well-brought up Saggs can actually manage to shut up and not interrupt. But all of them secretly think that the boring interval when someone else is talking is a mere gap for them to catch a breath while their mind boggles at their own profundity.

SEE ALSO: Saggo L’Homo Nouvelle

My Saggo Neighbour Dude

Your Saggo Girlfriend

Hi-Lo Astro: Haute Scorpio – Low Scorpio

October 27, 2009 in Hi-Lo Astro by Mystic Medusa | 108 comments

crystal_worldJ.G. Ballard

HAUTE SCORPIO IS INSCRUTABLE Mysterious by nature, Scorpio is the only sign which can carry off a chic yet compulsive-obsessive aura. Do they have hobbies? Stuff that they just dabble in? No. They tend toward deep and abiding interests in subjects to do with sex, the occult, and other people’s money. Method-acting was invented by a Scorpio. So was the Rorschach ink blot test, where one’s reactions to blobs apparently reveal all manner of deep issues. Scorpios don’t feel the need to tell all. They can have whole years missing from their resumes and just shrug it off. Or they murmur “No, thank you. You must understand that after that night in Morocco I can never touch gin again.” Get the picture. Picture is private.

HAUTE SCORPIO IS DISCREET Unlike some signs of the zodiac, Scorpios do not stoop to scene-making under pressure. Someone naturally winds up on their secret crap list but they retain glacial serenity without grizzling. A secret confided to a Scorp is a secret forever safe. But, if you arouse their enmity, your secret could possibly wind up being posted on the Internet.

HAUTE SCORPIO IS SEXY Scorps are the sexiest sign of all – sex appeal simply oozes from their very pore. They tend to go to extremes of being either wildly celibate or deeply immersed in sexuality. Think Prince Charles and his intended reincarnation as Camilla Parker Bowles’s tampon, Larrry Flynt who founded Hustler magazine, Helmut Newton’s fetishistic fashion photography, Shere Hite’s Hite Report, in which she provided stats on the length of orgasms and the number of sexual positions. Robert Mapplethorpe’s nude photography, actress Vivien Leight’s (Scarlett in Gone With the Wind) apparrently legendary sexual appetite… Scorpios love to get it on. Actor Richard Burton was a celebrated rake who used a “throbbing sensation in my penis as a sort of barometer of when something important was going to happen.” Fashion designer Oleg Cassini said of Princess Grace of Monaco: “She had a very powerful sexual personality.” All Scorpios do.

HAUTE SCORPIO IS STRONG A Scorpio can get blood from a stone. Scorpios are brutually self-aware. They don’t flinch from self-examination. Nothing you can say gets to them because they’ve already thought of it. It’s how they remain impassive in the face of the worst provocation. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway is what they do. The great explorers Captain Cook and Christopher Columbus just kept going until they saw land. Canadian singer kd lang grew up in a place where being vegeterian was almost as difficult as being gay and somehow thrived.

HAUTE SCORPIO IS SPOOKY Is the Scorpio spookiness nature or nurture? There is something profound about this lot. They have powerful instincts which they often obey. When Robert Louis Stevenson wrote his strange tale, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, whose spooked psyche was he drawing inspiration from? Bram Stoker, the author of Dracula, or maybe Dracula himself? Because they have the ability to focus on other people so strongly, they can be highly intuitive regarding another person’s needs, and can channel information that another person requires. Even the most seemingly plaid Scorpio is on some level operating as a medium, transmitting light and energy to those in need.

HAUTE SCORPIO IS PRINCIPLED Scorpios operate on an inalterable value system, one which remains in place despite vagaries of fashion, taste or common opinion. They are a noble people sticking to their own standards of what is correct, no matter what. The ancient Greeks saw integrity not as some nebulous goody-goody concept but as oneness, the very Scorpio trait of presenting exactly the same version of oneself to everyone, whether a pauper or prince.

darth-vader

LOW SCORPIO IS OBSESSIVE “I desire?” The astro motto for out Scorpio should be something along the lines of “I obsess”. Ask Scorpios not to obsess and they obsess about not obsessing. They will stay up all night chanting a non-obsessive affirmation or sit their scrawling the words “I will be less obsessive” a thousand times in red ink. They will become secretly obsessed with getting to the psychological roots of their obsession. Their idea of getting over an ex-lover is to drive past their house only twice nightly. They can be vile dinner party guests; they are so into their precious authenticity that they lose sight of how intensely they are boring everyone.

LOW SCORPIO IS PARANOID Paranoid? Scorpio? Of course not, they scoff. Scorpio just wants to know who sent that big moth to fly in their window. That disappearing lunch box is a plot by their child to discredit them. Someone says ‘’you’re looking well’’, Scorpio thinks it’s a curse. Scorpio’s social life can be conducted like a resistance movement – there are dozens of ‘’cells’’ of friends, each knowing little or nothing about the other. They do a lot of snooping which, should you stoop to it, would count as a betrayal but is completely understandable on their part. They peer into bathroom cupboards, not like Libra or Pisces, to see what products you’re using, but to find out about any medication or products having a possible sexual link. They micro-examine telephone bills with particular interest in mobile phone calls made when their partner was out of the house. They perform exhaustive Internet searches. They enjoy the concept of private investigation.

LOW SCORPIO IS VINDICTIVE Scorpio’s not-so-secret motto is “retaliate first”, and they do. Their methods are subtle but devastating. They like messing with other people’s emotions. They’ll let you know that they know your little secret. They play games to incite jealousy. They draw you out to talk in vulgar terms about sex or money, then withdraw, a slight smirk of contempt playing across their manipulative face. Scorps can juggle a thousand revenge agendas in their minds. It’s never too late. They can feed crap into other people’s minds about you without anyone guessing a hint of Scorp’s true and biased emotions. If a Scorp feels that you have violated their so-deep honour system, their ethics are then able to be ditched at the drop of a hat. It is because Scorps are so paranoid that other – perfectly nice – people are like them that they are so rigid about shredding credit-card statements, having people sign up pre-dating agreements, and keeping love letters or erotic photographs stored in mysterious locked boxes.

LOW SCORPIO IS GRUDGE-BEARING Okay, so not every Scorp takes up voodoo or looks for a bat to sacrifice when they want a credit limit increase or for their would-be lover to telephone. As any Scorp will tell you, they are not control freaks. They just completely freak, if they are not in total control of everything. It is a miracle that, given their obsession with sex, they are not all professional S & M experts of some description. There is something so disconcerting about having a drink with an old Scorpio friend when you find out they’re still in a stew about not having been made a school prefect. British historian A. J. P. Taylor said of Welsh poet Dylan Thomas that he “was a detestable man. Men pressed money on him and women their bodies. Dylan took both with equal contempt. His great pleasure was just to humiliate people.” Remind you of anyone? Maybe there was a slight personality conflict happening there, but it nevertheless sounds like a very Scorpionic syndrome.

Hi-Lo Astro: Haute Libra – Low Libra

September 23, 2009 in Hi-Lo Astro by Mystic Medusa | 67 comments

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Libran Genius George Gershwin

Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Er, one. No, make that two. No, one…if that’s what you think.

HAUTE LIBRA IS SWEET: Everyone falls in love with Libra. Some never recover. People on public transport feel compelled to compliment Libran eyes. Children like Librans. Cats like Librans. Even parking police like Librans. Birds fly around the Libran so that they can excrete on someone else’s head. Librans are often only dimly aware that not everyone lives like this. They wonder why people are so mean about banks, when the manager is always so charming and helpful. They attract admiration and envy in equal measure. Libran men can evoke doting service from the surliest waitress. Libra smiles and suggests that grouchier types should put lavender oil in their bath like the Libran does.

HAUTE LIBRA IS REASONABLE: Librans specialise in unbiased counsel, a huge boon for everyone lucky enough to be in their orbit. Should a situation requiring mediation arise, Libra’s already there, ready and able to hear and grasp the other person’s point of view. Okay, so they do also agree with Irish playwright Oscar Wilde that “nothing annoys an enemy more than forgiveness”.

HAUTE LIBRA IS BEAUTIFUL: As is fitting for a sign that’s all about balance, Librans tend toward pleasing symmetrical features. A mind-boggling stat is that 54 percent of Playboy magazine playmates are Libran. So are a disproportionate number of official beauties. Libran men are total smoothies who look as if they’re wearing make-up even when they are not.

HAUTE LIBRA IS TACTFUL: Librans find undue intensity in social encounters odious and are skilled at bringing hot-air-fuelled conversations back to a bubbly and light level. If someone is midway through an interminable yarn about how someone nobody know thought they had a disease and then didn’t, Libra can be relied upon to deftly direct the topic away from the tedious. They are also master of the social euphemism. For example, someone slept around until the other person broke if off? Libra says they drifted apart. The relationship was vile but with fabulous make-up sex? Libra says a passionate affair. Obese? Libra says generously built. Promiscuity? Libra says very socially active. A cocaine addict? Libra says very vibrant.

HAUTE LIBRA IS LOVING: Love really is like oxygen to our Libra. They are in love with love and with being coupled. All Librans want to have a soul mate. A Taurus prefers to be in a relationship but would make do with rutting around their entire life, if necessary. A Leo could be left alone with some Champagne and a Belgian-glass mirror and probably end up proposing. Loving is Libra’s core competency. They believe life is most happily lived in tandem with another.

HAUTE LIBRA IS CHARMING: When Libra turns it on, nobody can resist. They excel at making someone else feel as if they are the most important person in the world of Libra. When British novelist P. G. Wodehouse discovered an author he admired, he would immediately shout the person to lunch at a swank eatery.

Miss-Piggy460

LOW LIBRA IS SLEAZY: Librans are grotesquely capable of almost knocking people over in their quest to stand beside the most famous and/or desirable being in the room. This is only slightly more healthy than the Leo tendency to assume that they always are that person. Spanish crooner Julio Iglesias branded a perfume called Only, “for all that women have given me, I wanted to give them something in return, something that would speak intimately to each and every woman the world over.” Yes, the fancy themselves as the world’s greatest lovers. British rocker Sting boasted about his all-night Tantric love making techniques. The Libran woman doesn’t have Call Waiting. She has Cad Waiting, just in case the current beau fails to completely fulfill.

LOW LIBRA IS HYPOCRITICAL: Just do it…later. Librans procrastinate but they turn it into a strength-of-character issue. One moment they’re raving on about their new carbohydrate-free diet, the next they’re eating chips, sipping chablis, and citing moderation. The material known as pornography becomes erotica should a Libran find it of interest. Really pretentious Librans upgrade their smut to art: British novelist P. G. Wodehouse was living in the south of France when Germany invaded in 1940. He was never interested in what he called “keeping up with the news” so he continued to write, oblivious to what was going on in the world. Then the Germans found out he was British and locked him up. To score a better standard of living, P. G. agreed to make funny radio shows for the Nazis about the lighter side of internment. As a result, he was imprisoned in a comfortable home and his show was broadcast to the U.S. and Britain. When journalist Malcolm Muggeridge was sent to spy on P. G., he came back with the conclusion that “the broadcasts are neither anti nor pro-German, just pro-Wodehousian. He is a man singularly ill-fitted to live in a time of ideological conflict, having no feelings of hatred about anyone, and no very strong views about anything”. Traitor”? Or just very Libran?

LOW LIBRA IS TYRANNICAL: Jim Henson, creator of The Muppets TV show, was said to have a “whim of steel”. Anyone who thinks that Libra is more of a lifestyle concept than an actual person should shack up with one some time. If a Libra decides that a sofa, say, is suddenly unsuitable, it will be instantly redefined as trash. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks because Librans have superior aesthetic instincts. Libra doesn’t care if the offending item is the household oven. Libra doesn’t care what you say because Libra listens selectively. Certainly, they demonstrate a plausible appearance of hearing – eyes focused on yours in tender bemusement, tennis-club smile plastered across their pretty little face – but really, they’re planning their next little aesthetic improvement. One moment the Libra is unleashing a tornado of invective about how disgusting the venetian blinds are, the next moment they’re answering the telephone with that special, probably patented, Libran “company” voice – a dulcet croon designed to utterly disarm new acquaintances and potentially grumpy shop assistants.

LOW LIBRA IS A SOCIAL CLIMBER: Moth-like, Libra flutters toward the light of what they imagine to be a higher form of society. To avoid offending touchy Librans, the term “social moth” was changed to social butterfly. It is also more appropriate as anyone who has seen our Libran emerging from the dysfunctional cocoon of home to attend a glittering event will attest. Librans love the idea of fiercely protective bodyguards hustling them through the adoring crowds.  A Libra is capable of over-reaching and trying to invite minor royalty or a celebrity to some boring suburban barbecue. They can neglect their family for decades – “too tedious, darling” – only to experience a sudden surge of affection when it transpires that cousin Thing is now terribly important.

Hi-Lo Astro: Haute Virgo – Low Virgo

August 23, 2009 in Hi-Lo Astro by Mystic Medusa | 42 comments

lance-armstrong-workoutLance Armstrong.

HAUTE VIRGO is HELPFUL: Virgo is responsible for some awesomely practical and helpful innovations. For instance, Margaret Sanger, the nurse who started the world’s first contraceptive clinic and gave us the term “birth control”, was a Virgo. And naturally, it took a Virgo, Samuel Johnson, to dream up the amazingly sensible idea of the dictionary. Virgos can always be relied upon for practical advice: think of this timeless piece from Joseph P. Kennedy (father of U.S. president John F. Kennedy): “Don’t get mad – get even.” When at a dinner party a Virgo asks, “Can I help?”, they actually mean it, unlike say, Gemini or Pisces who really mean “refresh my drink”. They have a keen sense of duty and offer amazingly sensible advice for stressed-out friends. Virgos don’t become hysterical, they are straight to the point with the best advice in the world and offer pragmatic assistance when appropriate.

HAUTE VIRGO is WITTY: Their unique brand of bitchy character analysis is hilarious. Virgo zooms in on the tiniest most revelatory details and expands them into a hyperbolic gushy tirade. They remember gags, anecdotes, and jokes and are able to tell them beautifully. Virgos are rightly adored across the known universe for their wit, humour, and observational skills. When told he’d have to “bite the bullet”, Hollywood Hunk Keanu Reeves replied ‘’yeah, but I don’t have to eat the whole rifle”.

HAUTE VIRGO is SUAVE: Virgos of both genders have suave, cute worldly-wise appeal. They always appear put together to just the right degree – not too over the top and contrived, but certainly not underdone.

HAUTE VIRGO is POLITE: Virgos are the original take-anywhere date. Blessed with exquisite manners and social perceptions, they know precisely how to behave with perfect aplomb in any situation. Although they live in fear of it, they never offend. It is quite common for Virgo to telephone after a party to ensure that they did not upset anyone when, in fact, they were the most functional and best-behaved guest in the history of socialising. They always remember to ask about you.

HAUTE VIRGO is MODEST: Virgos turn their analytical inclinations upon themselves with sometimes disastrous effects upon self-esteem. They can’t fool themselves with the sort of comforting half-truths contrived by others to maintain serenity. Intimates of Virgo should try to remember to “stroke their ego”. That way Virgo won’t be forced to fish for compliments or goad people into them. They are so aware that they are not doing a hamstring stretch while they clean their teeth, or whatever is their latest routine, that they forget what they achieve every day: civilised order in an often unruly world.

HAUTE VIRGO is A PERFECTIONIST: People belittle the Virgo for this but who do they screech for when something goes bung? That’s right. Our Virgo, who knows where the receipt, guarantee form and toll-free help number are filed. To totally thrill a Virgo, ask them to help reorganise the Rolodex and start a new, happier, and more organised version of life. Virgos are everyone’s life coach. They know all the little tricks in the book: motivational tips, power naps, power showers, stain removal…

nm_charlie_sheen_070723_ssh.0.0.0x0.400x309Charlie Sheen

LOW VIRGO is A FUSSBUDGET: Inside every Virgo is a school Sock Monitor waiting to get out. These people are so particular. Having handed you your drink, they then snap “that’s all right” in sarcastic tones before you’ve even had a chance to say thank you. In fact, Virgo wanted you not to thank them. That’s why they give you a mere two-second interval before bitching it up. The notorious mutiny on the Bounty in 1789 is a lot more understandable when we take into account the captain of the ship, William Bligh, was a Virgo. He probably had one too many fits over the shocking state of the ship’s baseboards.

LOW VIRGO is GUILTING: If anyone ever makes a horror film about Virgos it should be called The Guilting. All Virgos are elite, professional guilters. But it is not enough to be a natural-born guilter. Just as the world’s best ballet dancers still perform the basic maintenance chore of a thousand plies at the barre each day, Virgos are constantly honing their guilting skills. These can take the form of a dread silence, the infamous minute-long Virgo sigh or a clench-jawed “Seeing as you’re too busy to make it over Christmas, I’ll put your nephew on to talk to you…. I suppose hearing your voice will be some small comfort for the poor thing…” Whether they know it nor not, most Virgos consider themselves to be saints. And what is the main occupation of most saints? That’s right, martyrdom. The Virgo worship of natural fibres is really leading up to one obvious outcome, the hairshirt. It would add extra oomph to their “after all I have sacrificed for you” and “slaving over a hot oven” speeches. But martyrs also create miracles and there are many such manifestations of St. Virgo’s powers. There is the St. Virgo “entertaining the in-laws at Easter” miracle, the “St. Virgo arising from their sick bed to hang out the washing” miracle and the “St. Virgo nearly breaking a bone dashing to answer the phone” miracle. Reserved for special occasions are the “St. Virgo marrying beneath themselves” miracle and “St. Virgo selfessly wrecking brilliant career for the children” miracle.

LOW VIRGO is HYPOCHONDRIAC: An estimated one in 10 people suffer from this ailment – a “state of mind in which the sufferer is so preoccupied with their health or with symptoms of ill-health that this preoccupation is in itself a disability” – and they are all Virgos. Everyone else gets a cold. Virgo is convinced they have Peking Virus X or whatever illness is most in style that season. Most people figure that a strange rash will go away, Virgo’s can’t help seeing themselves as the mysterious Patient X, afflicted with something so hideous it makes headlines in medical mags. With their whining, leisure-time reading of prescription drug manuals and surfing of symptoms.net, Virgos can make awful patients. The doctor says it’s athlete’s foot and Virgo demands a full toe scan. They can be germ phobic.

LOW VIRGO is NAGGING: Okay, so old nun-face calls it correctional motivation. The point is that when Virgos are done badgering themselves closer to perfection for the day, they turn on whoever is closest or most susceptible. Even if a person is not at hand, they’ll start picking through the cat’s fur looking for fleas to kill. Virgo is so vile that they can’t see anything untoward with their contact. To them, it is obvious that they can’t commit their heart to a person so imperfect. They think casting aspersions on another’s income-earning ability several times a day will inevitably result in the said person becoming more prosperous, or telling someone again and again that their sexual technique is so inept that an orgasm is nigh impossible will result in an ecstatic copulatory experience. A Virgo can always find time to stick a note to the fridge, whether it’s for you or to nag themselves about whatever their gripe of the day is. Virgo is quite capable of taking a molehill and turning it into a whole new continent.

Hi-Lo Astro: Haute Leo – Low Leo

July 23, 2009 in Hi-Lo Astro by Mystic Medusa | 69 comments

J4H6T9P_largeRobert Redford

Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One, to hold it while the world revolves around him or her.

HAUTE LEO is GLAMOROUS: Legendary for their passion and dazzle, Leo is glamour-puss galore. Think Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis alighting from a private jet in huge sunglasses, Robert Redford arriving at Sundance, the film fest he started, Jennifer Lopez  escaping from the paparazzi, Carolyn Murphy surfing, Prince Harry playing polo, Charlize Theron in full regalia, or Antonio Banderas in his dressing-gown. There is something awesome about Leo’s practically tantric appreciation of the power of personal hotness.

HAUTE LEO is BRAVE: Leos are dashing, courageous, and blessed with an innate sense of chivalry. Larger than life, they simply will not stoop to conquer. Often their show-bizzy philosophies – the show must go on – provide them with the impetus to overcome whatever crap is thrown in their way and emerge as shining superstars. The idea of giving in is a threat to the Leo ego and thus not even entertained.

HAUTE LEO is ARTY: Art, drama and music are an integral part of Leo’s life. For some, it is their life. “Creation is a drug I can’t do without” said film director Cecil B. De-Mille. His 1923 epic film The Ten Commandments went so over budget that studio heads sent him telegrams saying “You have lost your mind. Cease filming and return to Hollywood at once.” DeMille continued to build his city of the Pharoahs on a Californian beach. It’s very Leo to have an arty vision to fulfill. Think Omar Khayyam,  Andy Warhol and 1940-50s swimming nymph Esther Williams.

HAUTE LEO is BIG HEARTED: Leos get into living well minus the “revenge” clause. Never small minded, they are big headed, big hearted, and big haired. They are unfailing sweet to older people and children alike. Three of the English-speaking world’s most revered children’s authors are Leos: J.K.Rowling, Enid Blyton and Beatrix Potter. When Leo politicians kiss babies they actually mean it. But Leos are not particularly likely to go into politics. Too grubby and too many stupid meetings where other people’s stupid opinions have to be considered.

HAUTE LEO is INSPIRATIONAL: Radiantly optimistic and divinely scented, the Leo presence is itself a morale booster. Leo is always a glorious sight. Large as life itself, melodramatic, and lover of fun, Leo whirls past in “never complain, never explain” mode… a blur of beauty, peace and luxury.

HAUTE LEO is FAMOUS: For people who, like every other sign, officially make up only about eight percent of the population, Leos are highly visible. In fact, they are the sign most likely to be famous. Naturally it was a Leo, Neil Armstrong, who managed to be the first man on the moon. But isn’t every Leo step a giant step for the rest of us? Once celebrity is achieved, the Leo is unlikely to grouch about fame’s burdens. They always give thanks to their mentors, assistants and the public who love them.

woz07_photo_200The Cowardly Lion

LOW LEO is VAIN: In a public toilet, without a single word being exchanged, it is possible to tell if someone is a Leo or not. How? Leos wash and dry their hands without taking their eyes off the mirror for a moment. Then they will step back to assess their full and side views. Often they will leave the room, but then duck quickly back to try and catch their reflection unaware or make one final hair adjustment. The person who invented the public toilet hand-dryers that can be tiled upward to whoosh through the hair was probably a Leo. Leonine vanity defies belief. Next to applause, awed gasps at their beauty, hair, or wit, and the sound of their own voice “My God! You are brilliant!” is the noise Leos most like to hear.

LOW LEO is ATTENTION-SEEKING: Leos suffer dreadfully from Attention Deficit Disorder. They cannot get enough of it. A Leo is capable of getting jealous of an animal if it appears to be scoring the Lion’s share of the spotlight. And although it had been noted that Leos are genuinely kind to children, it still wouldn’t do for the child to act cuter than Leo. This is not a sign that takes kindly to being upstaged and they can perform some fairly ugly antics to regain any lost limelight. Loved ones who question the Leo right to rule or insist (gasp) on doing their own thing without supervision always infuriate Leos. Like some megalomaniac film director, they demand mastery over every aspect of a production. Leos should learn not to worry when their partner undermines their previous personal dignity. They should worry when they stop. Whenever a Leo does manage to compromise or apologise for something, they expect the canonisation certificate in the mail. They are not able to stop themselves bringing up their great moment of clemency again and again. No matter how humiliating or tedious this is for Leo’s partner or friend, Leo insists on relating the incident if it makes them feel good.

LOW LEO is GRANDIOSE: Even when Leos are relaxing, they have a self-conscious view of themselves as relaxing. They may call someone just to pass on the news that they are relaxing in their Leo-designer outfit of the day, on their very trendy deck furniture, drinking a bottle of award-winning sauvignon blanc, and reading a book by the latest Booker Prize winner. Heaven help the celebrity or official personage who has even the briefest encounter with our Leo. Decades later, the scenario will still be retold – perhaps embellished to afford Leo more of starring role – and the superstar quoted nonstop on whatever subject, just to burnish the ever-demanding leonine ego. Italian fascist leader Benito Mussolini, the man who coined the term “benevolent dictator” – in relation to himself, naturally – aid that “the history of saints is mainly the history of insane people” (as opposed to the history of dictators, of course). In true Leo style, Mussolini slapped on stacks of make-up when he made his public appearances and quite fancied himself as a novelist.

LOW LEO is EGOMANIACAL: An amazing number of Leos are hardcore atheists and, while this may seem logical for many reasons, in Leo’s case it is hard not to suspect the obvious: Leo has a problem with the concept of a superior being. Their secret belief is that they are some sort of a higher power and, on a good-hair day, quite divine. According to actress Tippi Hedren, Alfred Hitchcock (an ordinary-looking film director) thought of himself as looking like Hollywood pin-up boy Cary Grant. “That’s tough, to think of yourself one way and look another.” Not for our Leo it’s not. Introduced to an official genius, Leo will happily rave on for hours about how they determined their mega-high IQ via an Internet quiz. Leo meeting a celebrity chef insists on sharing Leo’s brilliant omelet recipe. A Leo wouldn’t hesitate to pass on hamstring-stretching tips (even if used every few months or so) to an Olympic champion.

Hi-Lo Astro: Haute Crab – Low Crab

June 22, 2009 in Hi-Lo Astro by Mystic Medusa | 35 comments

Nelson Mandela Collar

Nelson Mandela wearing a beaded collar. The photograph was released by the ANC during the 1960’s. Images of Mandela were banded by the apartheid government. This and others were only made public in 1990.

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. Cancerians don’t like change.

Haute Crab is EMPATHETIC. Cancerians ooze simpatico emotion in the same way other people perspire. They can relate to anyone: the celebrity going through a nasty divorce, the junkie who stole the Crab’s stereo. Just confiding to one of these folk is soothing. They are excellent at assuring one that “everything is going to be all right”, issuing very profound advice, and putting issues into perspective. It is as if they can actually absorb other people’s foul moods and transform then into joy for existence.

Haute Crab is ARTY. Cancer is the sign most likely of all to be a known artist. For example, Modigliani, Gustav Klimt, Rembrandt, Frida Kahlo, Marc Chagall, David Hockney. Their artistic nature is never a toss, merely part of their being. Gifted with the soul of a poet, they are able to see and transmit the world’s beauty, peak into the hearts of us all, and honour what has been forgotten. All Crab People, no matter how worldly and pragmatic, should find a way to evoke this blessed creativity.

Haute Crab is SEDUCTIVE. Crab People are dangerously alluring and literally enchanting. Their usual mode of operating is to appear mega-compliant. Later when the lover is hooked, they unleash the madness of their moody side. Eligible suitors stalk the Crab Person, longing to hear every detail of their latest hair issues, unresolved adolescent angst, or creative blocks. The sane friends of our Crab are furious: How can anyone be so seemingly deranged and yet utterly in demand? The Crab shrugs, busy re-reading an esoteric Hermann Hesse novel for insight into their own fascinatingly complex persona. Or The Dice Man.

Haute Crab is NURTURING. Kind, sweet and generous, Crabs are the gift that keeps on giving. At any one time, they tend to be mentoring a variety of folk. They are deeply understanding of the foibles of children, old people, the disadvantaged, and the lovelorn. The Crab’s home is often a centre of comfort and love, home for the homeless, a haven for the psychically displaced. They give shelter and love and withdraw into their cave with their chosen loved ones.

Haute Crab is PSYCHIC. Without much fanfare, Cancerians pick up on a lot of signals. Their perceptions are eerily apt and they are especially gifted in the realms of psychometry: picking up vibes from objects and places. They do well to take up home-witchery arts such as feng shui, geomancy (harmony with the environment), or space-clearing. But their spooky powers are just as useful in whatever brilliant career they choose for themselves.

Haute Crab is TRADITION-HONOURING. Cancerians make sure they do events like weddings or Christmas correctly. They will have the biggest tree, the best banquet, the “goodest” goodwill. They are absolute geniuses at maintaining photo albums and keeping up with every single niece and nephew. They make fabulous family historians; so do Capricorns but it’s an attempt to find ancestors of status. Geminis don’t bother because they can just fib about it. Pisceans look into the family background to find an excuse for their own conduct. Crabs do it because they truly revere their family story.

imeldaImelda Marcos

Low Crab is SULKY. Okay, so Crab People are really into feelings but, guess what? Sometimes it’s just their feelings. They invented the Power Sulk, capable of petrifying anyone against the crabby whim of the moment. Huffing out an inky black fog of disappointment, they use their psychic powers to beam a “you screwed up badly” message. Ask what’s wrong and they’ll say, “nothing”, before zooming off to call an ex-lover in secret. They never forgive but will pretend to forget just so they can bring out their hurt as an unexpected shock tactic. They think nobody understands them and, actually, nobody does.

Low Crab is SUBJECTIVE. Crab People are capable of boring everyone else to tears with subjective accounts of their feelings. They believe urban myths but get hurt and pouty when someone scoffs. Why should any conversation be interesting or amusing if the Crab is in the mood for a good wallow? They genuinely think that other people are acting cheerful because they lack Cancerian genius enough to figure that the world is going to hell. It’s as if because nobody else is dwelling on crap, that they haven’t grasped the situation. So the Crab Person feels they should simply go on and on. “Wouldn’t it be horrible to drown? No, really it would be.” If has to be all about how the Crab feels they would feel. They move from grizzling about their neighbour who apparently doesn’t feed the cat enough into a rant about share-market rip-offs without losing a beat. If, say, the TV breaks down, Aries or Scorpio will be in combat mode. Pisces or Libra would see it as a sign from the universe that they should go and take a bubble bath or drink gin in the garden. Crab People see it as a chance to evoke some ancient angst: “Oh, no! This is bringing up my body image issues!” It was said of novelists George Orwell (Animal Farm) that he could not blow his nose without moralising on conditions in the handkerchief factory.

Low Crab is OVER-NOSTALGIC. This is the only sign who seems to think things were always better in history. Never mind plagues, witch-burnings, or lack of sanitation, weren’t the frocks lovely? Didn’t they make wonderful furniture in those days? Think French writer Marcel Proust (Rememberance of Things Past) yearning over the taste of a cookie from yonks ago. Crabs are perfectly capable of bugging someone over an apparent whim of memory: “Surely you remember?” They can become haunted by a snatch of song and stalk around for weeks trying to make everyone else recognise the thing: “You must remember this, it goes ‘dum de dum de dah’. It’s at the back of my mind.” But a lot of things lurk at the back of Crab’s mind and not all of them need daily dredging up for reappraisal.

Low Crab is GUILTING. Which Sun sign is the greatest guilter of all? It always comes down to a play-off between Virgo and our Crab. Virgo is definitely better at verbalising. If you want pithy words to drill straight down into your own guilt complex, just let a Virgo down one day. But the Crab method of guilting is more diffuse. They can just glance at the culprit and leave them in a heap of remorse. They like to guilt the light fantastic, to make it Shame Week at Crab Central. Virgo does it for a hobby but Cancer is the guru of guilt. Cancerians plan blame-storming expeditions. They answer the phone in a voice rich with recrimination. They drunk-dial a former lover not to say “Come around right now” but to make them feel guilty for wrecking Crab’s life. They can deliver dinner party “victim impact” statements years after you lost a book they lent you. But their fave technique is to link a mini domestic mishap with their worst emotional pain ever. Then they bring it up again later in bed. They also favour the “Why do you always…?” approach,

Hi-Lo Astro: Haute Gemini-Low Gemini

May 21, 2009 in Hi-Lo Astro by Mystic Medusa | 51 comments

donald-duck-hammock-award

Donald Duck is a Gemini.

Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two, plus a mobile phone, a high-speed internet connection and a copy of the The Bluffers Guide To Changing Lightbulbs.

Haute Gemini is ALLURING.  Charming, witty and sexy, Gemini is attractive to all comers. Buzzing around in honey-bee mode, a Gemini flatters, flirts and plays with advanced innuendo. They are the sign most likely to leave a swathe of bemused hearts in their wake.

Haute Gemini is UPLIFTING. Their cheery amorality is soothing to those more prone to turgid emotion. Guilt is an unknown emotion to Geminis. Confide it and Gemini’s reaction will be a stupefied “So what? You did what you had to do. Don’t worry about it…I wouldn’t.” They also specialise in distraction tactics. A Gemini who is being audited by the tax office, sued by an ex-lover and about to be fired from that dream job is a Gemini busy planning a group theatre excursion. A friend in need is, to the Gemini mind, a friend who needs to be taken to a cat show, cocktail bar, yoga class and film premiere all in one day.

Haute Gemini is ADAPTABLE.  Able to process anything in two seconds flat, Gemini is ultra-flexible. Their hyper-fast mind keeps them from being stuck in any form of rut and they are able to relate to absolutely anyone.  This lot can get along anywhere and be taken any place. Just when one thinks one knows Gemini, they go and add a new facet to their already multifaceted person. This can be hard for slower acquaintances to keep up with – they’ll go and book African Tribal Dancing lessons to be more attuned to the Gemini they love. Then Gemini will say their over all that now and have developed an interest in competitive ping-pong.

Haute Gemini is BLITHE. Some call it shallow, but those who know better recognise Gemini’s light heart as a gift. Always inspirational and vibing much like a travelling minstrel of ye olde days, our Gemini is perpetual poetry in motion.

Haute Gemini is AMUSING. Able to lighten even the darkest situation by their mere presence and a few quips, Geminis are an asset to any social scenario. They know how to ’sing for their supper’ and may be safely relied upon never to bore for a moment. Nobody fears being stuck with a Gemini in the kitchen at a party, just in a bedroom.

Haute Gemini is INFORMED.  Focus groups could profitably consist entirely of Geminis. They are what advertising shrinks call ‘key influencers’. Gadget, genre, jargon. attitude, word of the day…Gemini is a walking Zeitgeist of what’s hot and what’s not. They have the latest news, info, gossip and jokes. Geminis can talk about anything. Whatever the subject, Gemini will know something about it, even if they make it up. Gemini hates cliches unless they are advising you on your romantic life. If it is to do with emotions, all Gemini can often summon up is a string of ‘water under the bridge’ isms. In other matters, their advice is genius.

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“Imperious, choleric, extreme in everything, with a dissolute imagination the like of which has never been seen, atheistic to the point of fanaticism, there you have me in a nutshell, and kill me again or take me as I am, for I shall not change.”  Marquis de Sade, another Gemini.

Low Gemini is AMORAL.  Geminis rarely feel remorse. They are living proof that you can run and you can hide. The late eco-marine guru Jacques Cousteau apparently provoked octopus fights by tipping black ink into the ocean. Geminis are excellent at appearing attentive to what one is saying yet withou actually listening. If required, they feed it back at you parrot fashion, without having understood anything. They rely upon the power of glib. A good description of this sign is in Gemini Francoise Sagan’s novel Those Without Shadows: “twin themes of attraction and disentanglement…the characters all move without shadows, uncertain of what they want from life, portraying the paradox of aimlessness and apparent longing for stability.”

Low Gemini is Dishonest. “Don’t expect confessions, revelations…not even the truth,” writes actress Isabella Rossellini in her autobiography Some Of Me. It is a habit of mine to embellish and color events till I lose sight of what really happened…I lie. I always did.” It’s as if fibbing was part of the Gemini respiratory process. They tell white lies, whopper lies and the whole gamut in between. Even if Gemini did have a genuine ability to feel guilt, lying would not be the issue to evoke it. A large proportion of the thespian population is Gemini. This could have something to do with the Gemini dual nature or maybe it is because they are such fake people anyway, as acting – being paid to lie – comes naturally to me.

Low Gemini is A FLAKE.  Fearing that mediocrity is some kind of airborne affliction, Geminis seek to inoculate themselves against it by being gaga. A Gemini in free-wheeling flake mode is fearsome. No idea is too stupid to be entertained and no relationship so over the top or too improper that Gemini won’t launch it with gusto. Taboo turns them on – as sociopaths, they are immune to guilt. They think is insomnia is constructive extra time and being mood-disorderd is quite normal. They can come across as an aging baby. You seek closure, they seek the door. Asked to get in touch with their feelings, they switch into ‘life is a laboratory’ mode, starring Gemini as the mad doctor and you as the hapless lab rat. In the Gemini mind is a long drop-down menu of what they imagine to be reasonable excuses.

Low Gemini is HEARTLESS. This lot are cruely to perfectly nice people who just happened to bore Gemini. They say something vicious as a fast way out of the conversation. Unless they have a psycho-sexual motive to be nice to you, they are utterly lacking in empathy. Be warned that they can make an amusing anecdote out of anything. While you’re getting over your hideous affair with one, Gemini is busy turning the fiasco into a sitcom. Gemini spouses can be observed at dinner parties, quietly freaking out as a chortling Gemini regales the crowd with funny stories re spouse’s vasectomy, diet or strange parents. Geminis have no sympathy for naivety in anyone over the age of 12. Their fave comment in conversation is “lets move on.”  They don’t take anything personally – even when it is personal.

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