Plutonic-Uranian Career Advice For The Zap Zone

Filed in Horoscopes

Georgia O'Keeffe

Hey, i am absolutely thrilled to announce a new advice column – the Plutonic-Uranian Accountant will now be available to answer YOUR questions re corporate politics & vocational voodoo.

Obviously, i strive to provide good dates and timing tips + a morale boost in the Horoscopes et al & the Sun Tzu bit of the Oracle is stunning for work insights BUT as someone who works at home in a Feng Shui environment with cat, constant laundry (Mars in Virgo likes it) and music, i am not brilliantly equipped to dish out office-corporate advice.

But, as i am sure you will agree after reading his initial missive to me below, the Plutonic-Uranian Accountant is seethingly expert at maneuvering the corridors of power.

So if you have corporate/career type questions, please email to him via me with the subject heading “Plutonic-Uranian Career Advice.”  Get your Zap On.  And read on to be properly introduced to our new site Career Mentor, the Plutonic-Uranian Accountant.

Dear Mystic,

To continue our conversation, I work for a global multi-billion-dollar Beauty firm as an accountant, financial analyst, and controller, yes, all those things. I had first written you to contend your mention in a post that “the accountants killed beauty”. You will see that this is not the case. As a truly accidental accountant with over a decade of industry experience, I will tell you how.

We, the financial controllers of the corporate earth, are anointed by ritual to conjure and dispel false mind-edifices. This is done via logic, math, and the bold realization that neither logic nor math dictate human affairs. We separate ourselves from others in order to better focus the blade to the opening. We compete for the right to claim ownership over rows of data.

Corporate Math is a blood sport, strikingly akin to pit-fighting or Tuesday-night poker with Russian gangsters. For myself, it requires that I daily associate with the hissing daughters of Chinese underworlders, and Sons-Of-Italy card-sharks, along with the typically tanned, boozily-lurching Captain Americanas, the ditsy, the fascist high-born, the usual smattering of corporate sociopaths, etc. but we all answer upwards, through layers of process approvals, consultancies, filters, agencies of graft, executive councils, investment funds, shell organizations, and holding companies, to some ancient European clan guardians at the mount of a human pyramid perfectly positioned to reap the rhythmically-upward-gushing harvests of collected effort. I can, but do not, exaggerate.

That my calculations travel as beams of light to guide the High Priests of Industry’s ponderings and (occasionally) bend the flows of hundreds of millions of dollars has not changed the fact that I toil in obscurity amongst the mid-floors of a gigantic steel and stone needle fortress in midtown Manhattan, a tourist attraction no less, a symbol of something or other, a commercial zoo where serfs-on-credit come to view the Wild Things as seen on TV.

I am also a bit of a monk in this regard: I illuminate closely-held spreadsheets for secretive dissemination amongst the shape-shifting cabals of internal power-brokers. I have thus carved runic symbols into the back of my Sharp calculators, and draw upon them names such as “DreamKiller” and “WishSlayer” and “StormEqual” for self-affirmation (which is crypt for psychic protection). I have many war stories – all true, however elaborated – in which your readers curious about the beauty business or money or magic may value. Let’s alloy.

My first gig was in the service of a Nordic Witch, at a large Swiss firm whose products you likely catch a whiff of daily, as her junior hatchet-holder, a role which I matched with comedically honest enthusiasm. This Witch – a beautifully aggressive but tragically magnetic creature – had earlier ascended to a power position via alternating invigorating massages of and spontaneous kicks to the be-testicled groins bumbling in and out of the many offices and bored rooms. She took a murderous revelry in her manipulations of one young dumb male – yours truly. Her aforementioned drastic alternations (in my case, between language programming and emotional punishment) left me exhausted, confused, exhilarated, and utterly manipulated. Ours is a Plutonic love story that merits a deeper investigation; let’s leave her be for now.

In a hidden office folded within an impenetrably modern building I one day diving stealthily into the witch’s credenza uncovered the evidence of a seminal event. You may be familiar with patchouli oil, from either an industrial perfume (by “industrial” I mean 99% of what you are able to buy) or from the strong stuff ladled upon hippy skin for the purpose of “grooving”. It was in the late 1990’s that some (probably false-flagged) turmoil in Thailand coincided with a sharp spike in the price of Thailand’s chief export, patchouli, right when it was not only in neo-hippy resurgence but also found in everything from shaving cream to dish detergent.

In business, as in astrology, a single precise dewdrop (transit) sends ripples across the entire pond, from hidden shore to hidden shore, and that very tiny perturbation may reveal in a flash a cowering multitude suddenly defined against the backdrop – setting the predators to motion. Likewise, the patchouli price spike (nicknamed “The Patchouli Crisis”) set the aromachemical companies’ focus towards analysis and synthesis.

Find the alternative to natural patchouli, or lose your profit, which reduces your marketing spend, which effects your ability to reach consumers, which wounds your market share, which causes you to lose sales, which costs you your livelihood and ejects you from the game. So began a wild quest of research and development – a venturing inward to molecules and outward to rain forests to understand how nature builds her array of scent. In the diving deep, there were no dead ends, only unintended discovery. Many secrets were learned, and today, many compounds are synthesized.

There is always, you must also know, pioneering innovation and things just done right. The companies that were able to discover often did so at great cost, and, sometimes, languishing in debt but rich in patents and breakthroughs, were assimilated into the larger corporations – who, with networks of fibrous roots drawing in and storing sustenance precisely to abide price shocks, allowed others to seize the scientific day in relative calm.
It’s a jungle out there. Let me tell you more.

The PlutonicUranian Accountant

Email if you would like the Plutonic-Uranian Accountant to answer any of your business, corporate politics, career, money or power questions on the blog.

Image: Georgia O’Keeffe

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69 thoughts on “Plutonic-Uranian Career Advice For The Zap Zone

  1. Also, great advice.. the organization may be stagnant but you should not be.

    It’s funny (not haha but ironic) that people will manifest their family of origin issues in their work environment.

  2. I’m a CPA in the US (Los Angeles) and a tax manager for one of the Big Four accounting firms. I’m a 8th house Taurus Sun with Sun opposition Uranus and Pluto on the Ascendant. Pluto Uranian accountants.. oh yeah! I had an epic Saturn return six years ago (Saturn in Virgo in 12th house) but that is another story. I’ve studied astrology (but I’m amateur) for 15 years.

    I have to mostly hide this part of myself in the corporate world, but I can and do use my knowledge of astrology/tarot etc to get ahead. For example, if I’m in a meeting with clients or my bosses I can quickly get a read on the energy in the room (empath here- cancer moon in the 10th house) and tailor my approach to the needs of the participants. If I know their astro.even better. I have an Ace up my sleeve. But it’s interesting because I don’t know their entire charts but I can pick up on their vibe immediately. Like this guy’s a Virgo but he’s fire sign energy all the way. It really does help my career.

    They (the establishment) would never guess that their accountant is covered in tattoos and has a penchant for witch craft and naughty things!


    Word up from the West Coast


  3. People, if u would like your career/corporate fuqery question to be answered by the Plutonic-Uranian Accountant properly, in a post on the blog, please send to me.

  4. I have a question for PUCA, you glorious thing: What is your suggested remdedy/antidote for Micromanagement? (In my case I am BEING micromanaged, I am not the micromanager – I have no reports to me)

  5. What is this magic writing? I look forward to reading more.

    You just put all the young white male tuff guy novelists of the english speaking world to shame, sir. If only you would write an American Psycho length expose, you would finally put the nail in the coffin of Ellis’ pretensions. You are my new favourite writer.


    My question is: I get that money is an energy, and it comes to me when I need it, and my every day life is meagre but fine. The question is, how do I accumulate more of it for bigger ticket items (eg a house)? I have jupiter in pisces in the tenth, so I think I’m just supposed to give it away, but my venus in leo and taurus rising demand some stability and luxury.

    Thank you!!

    • Give it away to whom? Focus on what YOU value, above all else, and pursue it flagrantly, and the universe will deliver in precise increments.

  6. My favourite fragment from my favourite paragraph: “ancient European clan guardians at the mount of a human pyramid”

    Brings me joy. It just does.

  7. I have no questions about finances, but that gave me a lady boner. Pluto squaring my eighth house sun at the moment, how YOU doin?

  8. My heart is racing – I share your passion for spreadsheet porn and the view from the fringe into others worlds and will squeal with glee at the next post!!

    • Yeah that bit got me scratching my head too. I mean, I like a nice piece of Pynchon-esque fiction as much as the next person but am I supposed to be confusing any of this with reality?

  9. Crikey. OK. Welcome in new paradigm who’s so much onto a crease in affairs you make it poetry. Let’s see from midtown manhatten to striking consciousness can you gee up our ambitions for abundance to dancing in the streets for ALL.
    Yours in trust,
    everyone who’s making the leap sweet. x

  10. The secret barometer of the beauty world – if impressed with a company’s mascara, you’re more likely to trust it for other product’s.
    The ‘magick wand’ per se. *wink.

  11. I love this painting. So not what we associate with O’Keefe, but so her all at the same time. I see her especially in the little puff of smoke & blue green illuminations, like a signature.

    An accountant: I don’t have one of those in my menagerie yet. Legal, medical, spiritual, educational, agricultural, recreational & security teams are in place, but I’ve been cooking– slash that– keeping the books myself thus far–

    That’s who I really really need to bring on board: a chef! Ugh I hate kitchen time–

    But an accountant? I’ll think about it.

    • LOVE, LOVE LOVE O’Keefe.

      Yes, that smoke that looks like a flower is a dead giveaway.

      And she’s a Scorp 😛

      I hate kitchen time tooooooo. Must be a Scorp thing Opposite to Toros, who love it.

      • 🙂

        No one does the intense beauty & power of the feminine spirit better than O’Keefe! Even in her dead subjects, she conveys the immortality of our strength. Fascinating.

        What are we to do about food prep & clean-up, Scorpbot? :/ In my teens & 20s, my answer was to consume loads of heavily processed crap & take out, but now my guts have too delicate a sensibility for such reckless abandon. And if my guts ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy.

        • Hahaha… I was the same in my 20’s and 30’s! I ate so much rubbish!! and smoked for 10+ years. A regular meal was vegemite and tomato sauce (what you call ketchup) on toast. Occasionally I would munch on a carrot. Ate heaps of fruit though. That didn’t require preparation. Haha.

          I still love toast. I could subsist on toast and coffee.

          I don’t know what the answer is. I wish I was rich enough to afford a chef too but until then I force myself to steam veges and throw a can of tuna into the salad. Once a week I try and cook fresh fish but it’s grilled so I don’t have to wash the fry pan. LOL

        • I loathe kitchen time!

          Winter: *Stews* – you just chop veg and meat, season, cook slowly. There are endless variations. You can cook and freeze too.

          Summer: salads/steamed veg + grilled fish/meat.

          Beats poisoning oneself with processed food.

          • Agreed! Like stews, but there’s the chopping… & dirty knives & cutting board to deal with… big dirty pot later… bagging food to freeze… Yes I am that lazy when it comes to kitchen time :/ I need to plow thru this sloth tho & up my kitchen game: getting mighty bored with bowls of spinach, pre-cooked meat & sunflower seeds lol

  12. Dear Pluto Uranian Accountant

    I am in the middle of a saturn/mercury transit to my mercury sun and in the middle of tax forms and 3 countries of paperwork, I am overjoyed at this news. I have my NN in the 2nd house in Virgo and I have many. many. questions.

    Sending love in advance.

  13. i really love this writing, its epic. my question might seem vague but for me its sort of crucial, I always want to know how and where art and aesthetics and design elements are utilised by power mongers, and how does power grapple with taste. Because I don’t necessarily think powerful people have taste, per se, that art is a wildcard and because of that there are elements of instability and insecurity around it. Power doesn’t dictate cool, but cool is powerful. Also do they buy art for love or investment?

    • My initial thoughts are that power mongers are unable to use art, because art examines and reveals, at least in my view.
      Aesthetics, definitely. Much has been written about the visual codes that we deliberately or inadvertently follow.

      I agree I don’t think power if we’re talking the 1% is interested in taste in and of itself.

      I think cool is powerful but cool dies in car crashes and drug overdoses then power profits from the royalties.

      Someone I know who is very wealthy buys art because they mostly love it and there are certain stories behind certain works that are important to them. Some is probably seen as “investment” but a better way to see it in that individual’s context at least is that the art work they bought is of an artist whose work is deemed to be important or relevant , a bit like reading the classics maybe,

      • Also taste is very arbitrary. Wearing sealskin might be considered a tasteful fashion choice in some places. what signifies taste to a Russian oligarch might most likely be the nadir of existence to … Anyone else

    • There is great appreciation of art, sometimes blind devotion, in some quarters. Corporate populations are not monolithic.

      • In fact the movers and shakers are driven to create works of art … the difference is, they are also compelled to mass market it.

        • I need to find some of these movers and shakers… because I am not sure they exist in my industry, where we are stagnant and a good 3-4 years behind everyone else at least. Ive got concepts up to my armpits but am having difficulty finding the right people…

  14. It made me sick in the stomach to read of the description of the human egos in that pyramid of power. Ridiculous but true. The higher the tower of status, the more greedy they are for recognition. Never want to be there again. It evoked painful memories that I learned I don’t have the stamina to cope with.

    • Exactly, anyone with that level of inflated ego dragged down the corporate cess pit shouldn’t be throwing around ideas about “high priests of industry”. This has Qi Vamp written all over it

    • Yes – this is invigorating! I love this letter. He writes his job like it’s happening on the space station in Blade Runner.

  15. Oh Goddess, let me at him!!

    I don’t even know where to begin……what to ask…..

    I’m gonna chicken out and watch for a while and figure out how to frame exactly WTF I want advice on

    What a find Mystic!

  16. For an accountant,( controller I’ll leave, it always reminds me of frank zappa’s Joes Garage) you sure know how to weave those words. You make accountants sound like they are secretly members of a Templar Assassin’s Creed. Though isn’t the basis of your craft compiling statistics of events that already happened ? More a historian than a mover and shaker ? Where then is your source of power ? Fiddling so that Rome doesn’t burn down 😉

    • Oi, the templars were the enemies of the assassins in assassins creed!! Totally my favourite computer game/only computer game (!) so couldn’t let that one slip me by 🙂

      • I’m playing Assassins Creed Black Flag at the moment. It was just something about the way PU wrote that sparked the connection, it’s a gem rising thing. 🙂
        Also my Frank Zappa reference was the track.. The Central Scrutinizer. I remembered it as the the central controller.

    • We have systems to compile data and log events as they happen. Planning and forecasting is entirely interpretative. Why did something happen, will it happen again, what should I expect, these are the questions we get to the heart of. Everyone can move and shake, if you sneeze in the right place.

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