I’m Leo. Burning my wedding dress on Sunday yo.
There will be a bon fire. Maybe some dancing. Maybe some singing.
I met my (ex) husband 10 years ago. I’ve always had light and energy, the sort that freaks peeps out. A hardcore work ethic and the drive to do great things. What I lacked was the self esteem and belief I was a good person, probably due to some deep seeded psych crap that was confusing from my child hood.
Maybe just confusing and freaked out about my own place in the world and where I stood in it. We met at a time when I was in a stage of serious drug and alcohol abuse and loved to party. So did he. He called me names, he validated that I should have no self esteem and that I was a pretty shit person. So it seemed fitting that I should be with someone who agreed with it. Right? WRONG.
I got to a place 18 months into our relationship where I left because he was not a very nice person. I knew it, he knew it, I left. I left town and thought I’d never look back. After a break of 18 months (we still hooked up in this time when he would return from sea) I was once again at a shitty place in my psych. I was ridiculously unhappy with in myself. I still managed great jobs, great friends and had a cracking life but for some reason I just thought I deserved crap. I had a million great opportunities with fantastic lovely people but I just felt most comfortable being treated like a piece of poo.
After what felt like an eternity fighting someone to realize my worth and that I was a good person, I realized it was ME I was fighting. This man was just the physical form of what I used to think about myself. Yes he was a psychological parasite and an incredibly abusive man but I just had to bite the bullet and get the fuq out. I left the family home, with the kids and a few bits and pieces and made a stand. I think his new girlfriend (whom he was seeing before I’d even left) will hopefully reach the same point one day. He was the best worst thing that ever happened to me.
I’m not sure if it was my Saturn return (I’m turning 30 next month) or if it’s something I would have overcome anyway but you know what? I like me. I really fuqing like me. And I’m going to fail and fall and win and fall some more, and you know what? I’m going to keep going. Staying stuck and hiding my light did nothing for anyone. I want to send a clear message to my two daughters that old world beliefs that women are possessions and need to be controlled IS NOT OK. Humans are humans.
I’m launching another radical business, I am giving him and that old crap thinking the big fuqing middle finger and on Sunday on the New moon in Leo (not sure if I mentioned I’m a Leo, or if I needed too) I’m burning my big poofy wedding dress. At the beach. If only I had time to rig up a medieval floating bed thingy of debris. He also leaves town on that day to go to sea again. And then……my new life begins.
Well it already has begun but this is the moment I say Goodbye and Hello.
I read this and was just oh-my-godding all over the place. I was reading it thinking yes, Saturn Return, yes New Moon in Leo, yes Zap Zone but totally Lilith in Leo and then i saw the sign-off. Woah. Thoughts?
Image: Neil Krug