In ancient astro, the planets lent their names to personality types. Mercurial – for Mercury. Jovial – for Jupiter a.k.a Jove. Loonie for Lunar or the Moon. Martial or Warlike, for Mars. Saturnine for Saturn. A “sunny” persona speaks for itself.
To those i would add Plutonic, Uranian, Neptunian & Venusian as strong types. AND i am taking this further and denoting ten different planetary – or astrological – styles of infidelity.
What do you think?
* Pluto-Style Infidelity: The Reset affair. It’s bigger than the both of you, compulsive, and karmic feeling. You don’t give a fuq. You work out. You do brain alchemy. You morph. The complications are, like, irrelevant compared to the volcanic Pluto vibe. It makes you feel ALIVE. Practically everyone else just thinks you’ve finally flipped.
* Moon Infidelity: “Just hold me.” “I’ve never felt understood like this before.” You get the validation you need and/or someone to murmur sympathetic platitudes as you bitch about your partner non-stop. You’ll pay maybe any price at all just to keep the emotional feeding mainlining.
* Jupiter Infidelity: You’re not hitch-hiking any more, you’re riding - you’re in the driver’s seat, you’re in control, you can afford an upgrade, right…RIGHT? Nobody is going to kill the buzz on this joy ride and it’s not like you have the time for a small life anyway. Someone else can do the wifework or the tedious Boyfriend Experience duties. You’re going to lunch. With an ocean view. And then on a helicopter. Fuq yeah.
* Mercury Infidelity: It’s not really infidelity as such because it’s only phone sex. Sort of. And some texting that could maybe be emotional infidelity. BUT you were in a transit lounge, not really even in a country at all, not according to international law. If a betrayal is only hinted at, as in a cryptic allusion to something that could technically undermine your partner, is that infidelity? Or espionage?
* Neptune Infidelity: My god, nothing happened! Or did it? You were high. It was a cult. They framed you. It was the peyote in the Blue Devil Hoochie Juice. It’s not like anything ever happens in real life but is it infidelity if you think about them for up to ten hours a day? Or during sex? You need an Imaginary Lover to get through the day. It’s not like you’re a zombie or addicted or anything.
* Saturn Infidelity: You sleep with your accountant to get a better outcome. It’s motivational. Part of doing good business. Plus they’re hot. It’s not like you’re not enjoying it. The accountant expenses the lunch beforehand and you enter the kilojoules burned in your fitness tracker. All profit – no loss. You calculated it. The “plausible deniability” factor is also high.
* Sun Infidelity: You fall back in love with yourself. You’re all about rediscovering the music YOU like, dressing how YOU want, reading in bed when YOU want and actualizing your SELF. Not someone else’s set of ever more rigid and pompous neurosis. You cheat on them with long dates with your self doing YOU.
* Venus Infidelity: Oh come ON, it would be criminal to deny yourself or the other person the pleasure of your beauty, tinkly laugh and luxuriant company. Besides, you know that lovers always operate best in a sort of free market of love environment. Competition hones the instincts. It’s not personal. It’s not vindictive. You just have a short attention span, like the honey-bee who goes from flower to flower. Who would dare say that one is more attractive than another? You read a lot of Rumi. Buying new underwear makes you in the mood for a fling.
* Mars Infidelity: You take some beta-blockers and go seduce your soon to be exes business partner/brother/wife/whatever and make sure it’s not exactly a secret. You’re not naive. Not any more. You find that the surprising thing about a revenge root is how serene you are afterwards. Better than a year of therapy or all those meditation classes you shelled out for.
* Uranus Infidelity: For fuq’s sake, how can it be “cheating” when the whole system is gamed against you and the most insane, anti-human expectations are enshrined as some sort of moral superiority?! You’re not going to form part of a docile consumer voting unit and you’re not going to yoke something as complex and primordial as sexuality or even your BRAIN into a clapped out bourgeois GULAG. Screw that schizz.
Image: Miguel Co – Society 6