Existentialist = Permanently Pluto

“I am between two cities, one knows nothing of me, the other knows me no longer.”

Jean-Paul Sartre, Nausea

This makes me think of a Pluto transit – Of course J-P Sartre was Sun-Pluto-Mercury in Gemini, he was perma-Pluto.

But hands up who groks that feeling of being in the middle of a change – you can’t go back but nor are you there yet.

You’re in transit lol!

The Zap Zone – the Pluto in Capricorn + Uranus in Aries transit the whole world is doing at the mo – is intensifying. Uranus-Pluto sensitive peeps will be feeling it real strongly around about now.  Insomnia, audacity (or is that just the lack of R.E.M?!) exquisitely acute perceptions.

Thoughts? No, fuq thoughts – Feelings?

Image: Amy Sol

153 thoughts on “Existentialist = Permanently Pluto

  1. I’m beside myself! Can’t sleep, can’t settle, can’t get my mind to settle either :(

  2. I’m really feeling in transit. I’ve felt this way for about a year. I like it – before I was feeling very very stuck and limited. Even though I don’t know what’s going to happen I feel good about everything.

    • Describes my feelings exactly…..EXCEPT, I’m still very bothered about something that is actually pretty ironic: I’ve separated myself from two different groups of people because they just weren’t good for me. And there’s a 3rd from way back in my past who I seem to be on some sort of “distant cousin” status with. i.e. I still get invited to weddings and big bday celebrations, but NEVER for casual hang-outs. But I also have to realize that it’s been probably about 7-8 years since I had that casual hang-out status with them, so why be bothered now?!
      So, the irony is….I removed myself from these people and yet I’m hurt that they don’t seem to care or ever make an effort to see me. The problem is the new crowd/group connected to my much better and healthier lifestyle hasn’t shown up yet. And again…that has alot to do with the fact that my boyfriend and I just don’t go out. We’re social when there’s a good reason, but otherwise we really prefer to just hang out with each other. I’ve never been like this before, so it’s disconcerting.

  3. Today I might be the poster-child for the ZZ: Uranus transiting EXACTLY conjunct my natal Saturn in Aries in the 10th house, Pluto transiting EXACTLY conjunct my natal Venus in Cap in the 6th house (very close to the Desc.), and transiting Venus EXACTLY conjunct my Kataka Ascendant. Yipes! ……should I run away? …but where..? Wherever you go, there you are, right?

    Very restless, depressed, feels like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, but not sure what it would be…..something feels ominous…..lots of things unsettled, in flux..

    • It seems to me those transits are going across your FEELING zones, Venus and Kataka, grinding down those wonderful feelings of peace, harmony, love, security and sense of self going out to meet the world (Asc); while Saturn, your planet of being prepared, disciplined, getting it together is also being transitted.

      You’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is possibly just unsettled feelings, rather then premonitory. So it might be good to attend to those feelings. Get into the things that make you feel beautiful, settled and safe. Make those your routine. Check out Mystic’s Luna Luxe and do your Moon (under Oracle tab, if you subscribe). Check in with good friends, and be careful not to share your insecurities with anyone who might potentially make you feel awkward or powerless for being vulnerable. You’re not powerless; it’s just a feeling.

      When i could drive long distances, like all my life until recently, i frequently took my trusty chariot for drives to some random country town, just day trips mostly, and on a whim. Kept a little pack ready so i could be spontaneous and free. Smaller scale: go to a different suburb and if really fq’d to drive take a bus, and check out the shops, bookstores, cafes, parks and waterways. Sometimes with camera. Always have a good map, and a full tank.

      Sometimes i force myself a little bit through the oh i want to but can’t be bothered and it always works out well. And try to keep good sleep hygiene.

      • Thank you for your kind advice. What you’ve said has helped me calm down a bit and I am grateful!

        Feeling settled and safe, very important for me right now, and doing something to feel beautiful will help my flagging self-esteem.

        I have been getting immobilized by my feelings but perhaps just investigating these feelings will help reduce my fears instead of attaching those feelings to things that might be going on outside myself. I have a tendency to get paranoid…. I’m not sure how I’m perceived by others…

        Oh, yes, if I still had a car, this would be a great time to do a little day trip or short road trip. I do need a vacation…. As you say, I could also just take the bus to another neighborhood or just have even a small change of scenery to clear my head and refresh myself. This is probably what I’ll do.
        I would very much like to go on a long drive, though…….. might rent a car sometime….. I need to get out of the city. I’m not a city person, but I’ve been living in one for the past couple years and have barely left the city limits since I got here. I feel trapped here in lots of ways and have had financial constraints that prevent me from doing things like renting or buying a car..

        Thanks again for your thoughts… I feel more grounded for having read them!

        • Milleunanotte, spot on and generous advice for all of us in the this time of transition. Thank you!

  4. Yep, describing my current status perfectly. I have them conjunct natally ( in the 12th) so this is not a new feeling for me, it’s just being highlighted. Massively.

    Fluctuating between ‘bring it on…’ and ‘no…wait….yikes!’.

    • I feel this same fluctuation! Pluto is crossing my Progressed Sun, Uranus is conjunct my Saturn now, Uranus is opposing my Venus.

      It’s an incredible comfort to read all these comments here and know that others are experiencing similar transformations.

      MM talks about the acute perceptions that come with the current transits: those are more piercing and challenging to deal with than any external changes occurring in my life at the moment.

      Please, Universe, allow me to handle these changes with grace, compassion, poise and a sense of humor.

  5. Thank you!!!! I cant sleep at night but have a lovely daytime sleep. But then I cant make up my mind and the day is wasted. I’m jittery & if I stop to think, I feel like I’m losing my mind. The only time I’m at peace is at home w/ my dogs. Maybe I’m becoming agrophobic? That I’m not comfortable holding a conversation w anyone. Everybody I once knew is no longer in my life, cause I dont know them any longer, nor do they know me. Does this make sense???

    • I never call anyone except for my mom and my brother. I work from home and sometimes I go a whole day without speaking to another human. I get what you’re saying…

      • Yes me too! – about not talking to another human being for whole weekends at a time, bar the coffee guy when I order. And a fellow gem too…And a yes to the insomnia this past week.

        • Yes me too and for a gem also, just not the way I want it to be, relishing the gifts of solitude, but really this I think is a huge time of change and maybe its ok that some of the past does not come into the future w us, even if it is ones we love… I reckon its important to keep looking at who u want to be and where you want to be and know its our choice xxxx

          • Thanks so very much to you all!
            I can go for weekend w/o talking except for my elderly aunt by phone.
            Gem asc here, I see many gemini’s here too, feeling as I do.

            But I don’t feel lonely, I’ve got 3 little dogs. We go to 2 dog charity events per month. Light chit chat about our rescue dogs, etc. & here & there at the market.

            Yes MY time to do as I please :)
            Life is good as is.

  6. I’ve got pluto transit Sun in a conjunct and Uranus conjunct Mars. And yes… That gives me a Sun square Mars natally… I don’t know… I feel like I’m already gone…

  7. Moving house over the next 10 days, yet to pick up the keys for the new place so I totally relate.

  8. Super transit!!! Pluto squares half my chart and Uranus Squares the rest! (almost :) My North node in Scorp is about to get the fly over and much like Dorothy I have my magic shoes on and the toto under my arm cause I”m figuring not much is going to be left standing in the next few months….. nervous jittery but channeling all that into fab work!

  9. Fuq yes! I’m so fucking there, but so fucking nowhere at the same time. I’m sleep-deprived and feel a major case of cabin fever coming on when I ponder the prospect of another week cooped up in a motel room while I look for the new Palace de Saturnalien.

    On the plus side, I’m totally loving the town I’ve decided to move to so 14 hour drive during the dark moon was not all in vain (double bonus was on the drive here, I was heading straight towards a spectacular Venus and balsamic moon scene in the sky, which I took as a sign that I’m heading in the right direction for a change). I just wish I could decide which fuqing house to buy, do the deal, and get the fuq on with life. Patience grasshopper…

    • good to have choices, yes? if its a new town, perhaps its an idea to rent first, get to know the place and then start looking to buy… just a thought..

      • As weird as it sounds, I can afford to buy here but I can’t afford to rent here so it’s not an option – even if it was, I’m so fuqing over renting, and I don’t want to pay for an extra removal, connection fees etc, and have to live in limbo for another fuq knows how many months. I’ve found two perfectly good houses, I just can’t decide which one to make an offer on as the pro’s and con’s of each are equal… I will work it out, but not before I’ve driven myself mental with the decision making process!

        • I hear that about renting now. Having a home is so important. Sounds like you’re on it though x

          • I have to get on it. Current landlady dicked me around for over a year, promising to get toxic mould removed from wall linings but constantly failed to deliver. Meanwhile, My health was rapidly declining to near death levels. Suddenly, out of the blue she decides to take action, not to fix the mould, but to give me 60 days notice to move out. So I’m working to some pretty tight deadlines. The sooner I get this show on the road, the sooner I can settle down into my own sanctuary and do some serious healing.

            I hope your life starts turning around soon Ms. I remember we were having similar issues with health and money… I made it out of the money hole, now I just have to get the health back. It must be your turn for a miracle next xx

      • i intend to rent after moving 12 hours south of where i am now. I’ve owwned for a very long time, too long. backbreaking to keep a house up alone w/ my son. He knows how to bring home the bacon but not bang a hammer, hahaha.

    • Lol! Finally someone that swears as much as I! :)
      I’m with ya Saturnalien on the getting somewhere but allegedly nowhere vibe. It’s fuqt but gets the senses moving. Good luck in your search you’ll know your new abode the minute you see it.

  10. With detritus and assorted things at one end and a room full of boxes, clothes, rugs etc ‘tuther I can exactly relate to being neither here nor there right now. Fortunately this time I only moved a couple of streets and the horse could stay where he was. PK is shadowing me but he can miss me tonight.

  11. “you can’t go back but nor are you there yet.”

    This is *exactly* how I’ve been feeling as of late. Insomnia, haunting dreams, the recognition of everything I need to let go of.

    • Had a nightmare this week, my dog woke me from it pawing me. I dreamed someone shut the light off by the computer. Years ago when I had aol my computer would go on by itself. An inch sz square would show up on the screen. I called aol and asked them, they tell me law enforcement watching your computer & yes they can turn it on. I knew a few of them liked me but to go to that extreme really creeped me out.

      Time to let go and ‘get outa Dodge’ (an american refernece to cowboys would say ‘Get outa Dodge’ a town in western US LOL.

      • God that is sinister. Was the dream out of the blue or had you been thinking of that lately?

      • What a creepy dream! I would be afraid to use the computer after that one.

        The other night I had a terrifying dream that I lived on the top floor of a large apartment building. I heard this terrible rumbling and a huge flood of water started pouring into the ground floor. It flooded in like a geyser until it reached the top floor and I had to swim out the window. Strangely enough, I actually felt a sense of relief at the end…

  12. I can go into either of two offices on any given day, yet I don’t have a permanent job. It’s doing my head in.

  13. This is so me at the moment. Feeling kind of lost and still a little indecisive, something that happened that should cause me to panic. Without work there’s a nothing feeling. I think the Universe is pushing me to get out there and do it on my own and make something of myself, just don’t have the means. Feel like I can’t go back to the same career at least not the way I’ve been doing it and yet nothing has shown up yet. Really starting from scratch, not even a safety net and grokking detachment in everything, love zombie, lol, working for someone or grabbing the audacity to beg, borrow, steal to open my own business or do something totally different. Sucks when you’re blindsided with something ending without a future plan where your most vulnerable to having security being a taurus sun, sagg rising, gemini venus mars. Am I finally free? and nothing to turn to yet.

    • We taureans survive! And yet I wonder what wouldv’e happened had I had to let go and move on. I wouldv’e been vulnerable to new relationship? No because for a long time I kept attracting my ex, just in a different body, lol

      • Yes, that’s what I’m working through, no more past in a new relationship. I am aware as I can be now.

  14. Thank u, I relate. A Shedding of skins. Coming into my own requires a non painless transformation process. Yes, definitely Pluto, but also Uranus and Jupiter, Saturn: the BIG 4! I’ve made some big changes and not being one to explain myself – rather- demonstrates with action/ non actions. I have a big picture of a mountain in my mind that I am climbing. I can only relate to a small number of old friends-Scorpios, Virgos, Librans, Pisceans.
    This morning I was starting to do a David Becham (Sun was squaring my Taurus moon) and I completley rejected chaos and disorder for my feelings of sanctuary of neatness, organization- to grasp this Pluto transit. Also reading and memoir writing are good for getting a handle on the plutonic abyss that comes with the most beautiful of phoenixing!

    • Like Satre, I am also a Sun-Pluto-Mercury person with North Node there as well, to add a sense of destiny to the self-actualisation. Always feel a bit of an outsider. Secretly, I would have loved to have interviewed his wife; she and I would have lots to talk about re the human female condition.

  15. dayum, I am LITERALLY up in the middle of the night right now, unable to sleep, struggling with just such a thing, just for the sake of it I peek at the internet and find this,
    synchronicity thine name is mystic

  16. Mystic is fantastic for that kind of thing… Testing love ur description “the plutonic abyss that comes with the most beautiful of phoenixing!”
    When i focus on the phoenixing , the abyss gets a little shallower… At least I comfort myself with the notion that seeing all that is wrong with the world, and subsequently feeling it myself, I am about to rise from the ashes of the old world…

  17. Nausea is my favourite stand alone Sartre novel, simply for the fact it makes me grin and grin and grin. I love that he doesn’t mistake his feeling for hatred, as sometimes my comments in younger times with more raw expression would lead some to think i hated things. Moments i loved were how the touch of a doorknob made hijm feel physically/psychically ill, the livng roots of a tree and his panic, and the bourgeois couple at a cafe eating cheap grey meat, chewing and chewing, gristle on the side of the plate.

    I don’t feel like this generally now, but it is there. Humour helps me master it. Living on my own terms helps most of all. Sartre wrote against the backdrop of war torn Europe (or between wars), the mistrust, the disappointment in human nature, the deliberate ignorance to others’ suffering of people in survival mode, crumbling of institutions and traditions at a palpable and frightening rate, financial depression. That sounds bleak but i feel Sartre’s dark humour in the novel.

    I can’t help but feel that comments here lately have shown the same kind of disaappointment in society at large, or certain groups. SArtre describes someone losing their mind from it all. He sees the inner life in the external expression of everything, the consciousness of all things, and i feel like this. Freedom from this for me comes from finding the beauty in things and people, often subtle undetected things. Uranus in Libra 11th.

    • hmm. so you think where uranus is in our chart, is where we find / seek freedom mille? not a bad approach..

      • Freedom to question the socially unquestionable, and to see ugliness in the petty although it may go unnoticed. Freedom also to find beauty in the conventionally ugly, awkward or overlooked. Freedom to recognise god where you feel it to be, and passion in the platonic, and to know that science and the laws of physics are part of both.

        I sound rhetorical as usual and overblown, i guess, but these are my real thoughts. i fervently believe these are the gifts of uranus, and that these beliefs are often dismissed as adolescent idealism but i can never divest my faith of these ideas. I don;t see it as mature to merely accept convention, i see it as resigned. But i’m on an astro blog so i’m sure i’m not alone in that.

        • Uranus 1 degree Libra 11th too ( opp Chiron). Always been hopeful, but usually disappointed in society, occasionally pleasantly surprised, frequently let down. Used to look for freedom outside myself – now it comes from within.
          Tho’ our marriage is scorpio our relationship is aquarian and that kinda of sums up our lifestyle these days.

        • Uranus conjunct midheaven here – and I completely concur. I need SOOO much freedom at work. I can work in a team, but absolutely cannot be micromanaged – so much better for myself and for those around me if I work on my very own projects.

    • I love this review and philosophy of yours millie, so thoughtful and in my mind it totally resonates – beautiful stuff, thankyou and to MM for this amazing forum. xxx

  18. yes – can’t/don’t want to go back; way ahead not so clear as past 13-14 months have been trying out new things only to go ‘nyet, not quite right’; feeling the need for change and have been implementing it over the last 13-14 months but no, not there yet; yes to shedding of peeps no longer in the same unfolding life novel, let alone on the same page; yes to getting health back into tip top shape and doing this as a NM goal; feeling adrift and anchored only when I really turn my mind to it.

    Per Charlie Brown – the burden of so much potential …

  19. Yes. I don’t actually have much planet wise in the ZZ, just MC IC but my god are both the axis points so entirely relevant right now. My rant is last page.

    Can’t go back to the way things were, I’ve moved so many times it’s barely relevant anyway. I feel so strangely happy about my current self, more than ever, but the world and my worldly self and I are not in sync so I’m in this shitty transition period. Nothing like coming back to a place you used to live to see how much you have changed. I’ve done it twice now and it’s startling.

    I’m finding new ways to deal with my health, new products, being very innovative on very little. So major breakthroughs there that I pushed very hard for, but feeling highly unsupported in doing so. I had no idea how much food and self care really brings up shit for other people. I’m value clashing all over the place now, people have actively given me shit for my diet and put me in the too hard basket since discovering I was coeliac and then going vegan. Its very weird. Maybe I should move to Brighton? lol.

    • and of course. I can’t work like I used to. Need a career that does not kill me and can support my new health regime etc

      • I used to work very hard. Can’t do it anymore. Nothing that I’ve done-I’ve got multiple ortho problem’s arthritis in spine hands & feet. Jan 12
        I fell & broke 2 foot bones & elbow. The foot never went back to norm, the elbow is great but shoulder’s. Had on the job injury on left foot & knee that I’ve learned to live with. Afraid to get surgery. I’m tired of going to Dr;s!! Just had the whole cardio work up cause heart disease on father’s side. Every freakin spring: female check ups, summer: cardio, then I’ve got the ortho shit: needles in joints. Most recent nerve pain in left arm. Wonder if its an old shoulder injury reocurring.
        Despite all this I could study law. That doesnt really affect one’s body.

        • yikes. that’s quite a list. I know some people really rock this, just I don’t know them.

    • It’s amazing how almost personally people take your health issues. I recently had one well meaning and generally easygoing person fully expect me to list off ALL the symptoms associated with mine so she could write it off as something else, not entirely physical. I reminded her i have had a team of doctors and specialists on the case, and that things may not be what they seem to us without detailed specialist knowledge. But ireally wanted to say fuck off you’ve never even invited me out for a drink and now you want to discuss my health issues in detail at work just cos you’ve been sick for a month now? I also wanted to sarcastically call her Dr M and ask if she was charging. Instead i recommended she get a liver detox and she agreed. I personally get the shits with being told by non experts i may need a liver detox (my recent bloods showed my liver is in hell sexy shape!)

      It’s your body, it’s your science lab and i think your efforts to work it out should be commended, at least for bravery. Next time someone wants to play doctor i’m going to ask if they’d be more turned on if i played nurse.

      If you want to move to Brighton be sure you like hot chips and fairy floss.

      • I reckon if you listen to yourself carefully, you know what’s wrong most of the time. And then if you don’t, it’s time for medical science.

        I knew there was something wrong with me for years. But it was medical science that worked out I had a huge hole in my heart at the age of 32. Chinese medicine could tell me that my ch’i was deficient, and my blood was weak, but not why. it took the miracle of 3-d ultrasound imaging to show exactly what was wrong, and thank god or I would be just about nearing my first stroke by now.

        Don’t listen, Millie. You know what to do.

        • xxx

          Appreciate the empowering support! I had forgotten it was your hole in the heart story we discussed once. Science! Who’d a thunk it??

        • shit dude. heavy.

          I did combo medical and holistic. still do. good to have both but if its an organ like the above, then ultra sound is the way to go

      • LOL whats fairy floss??

        I think by the time we’re 60 we can expect to have a heath issue. I dont find mine very debilitating, rather I won’t allow it to be. I do what I can then enjoy a good rest :)

      • yuck. I’m not sure what’s worse. Getting in your face to be a dick or ignoring you? Gross. I’ve been given the mental problems face more than once, I just smile knowing I avoided cancer and some other nasty shit that was looming. Why explain? so not empowering.

        lol Brighton to me is more lesbian raw vegan

    • oh, gawd, it’s just so rude when people make jibes for dietary choice / necessity. I want to slap them. We all have our reasons so just stfu already haters!

    • Brighton, Totnes or Cornwall ;)

      Ms, I’m celiac too, I only found out during that shittastic Mars RX period when I got so sick. Have healed/am healing myself with diet, Chinese medicine and a different attitude. It works but oh my the hostility, it’s true that people get very aggressive and almost upset with my inability to eat certain things (still can’t tolerate any nightshades, dairy, foods in the latex family, most forms of soy) BUT some people have also been amazing. It’s a real process of discovery, I’m more convinced than ever that food is the most important key to all levels of health.

      • I’ve been through this too…..what’s been encouraging for me is I come across so many other people with food sensitivies/issues due to autoimmune disorders (I’ve had adrenal fatigue for the past 7 years but only knew what it was a year and a half ago). I really think it’s the state of the world we live in and how it’s so conducive to stress and toxins. We’re reaching a breaking point with that and the breakdown is showing up in peoples’ health.

  20. I feel as if I’ve been treading water for months, stuck and frustrated. Every action has a reaction, but I just cannot see it yet. I’m desperate for the change to unfold, I’ve been working my guts out for it. But nothing is happening. It’s brought me to the absolute brink of severe depression, which devastates me, as I work so hard at all times to be positive, and see the journey as the goal. But since June my life collapsed around me, so far from left field that I actually shut down. No memory of events during a meeting, total emotional collapse, and now I’m treading water. Desperate for the next phase. It’s coming. I know this too shall pass. But FUQ ME IT’S BEEN HARD! I still have a sense of humour. On Thursday mornings. Maybe.

    • :( I don’t know what went down but it sounds really full on. sending you love doll, some people are in some really tight spaces atm, I’ve been in worse admittedly but I look around and think shit! sometimes. Working hard going nowhere feels about right. XX

    • Its when you give up and allow the universe to guide you that things begin to happen.

    • Sending you Love and Light PoMo – I’ve been there, where your head’s at. If it’s any consolation, I got through it, not unscathed in any sense. But in retrospect, I am grateful for every moment. Yes, I went through misery, boredom, disconnection, pain and depression but where I’m at now and can look back and forward: it all fits and I am so grateful for all of life’s up’s and downs, truly. I know you are a Brissy girl and a bit younger than me… advice if you want it … hang in there and go through it, yes all the pain, boredom and undesirable shit …. cause if you avoid it, dissociate from it, you won’t get your rewards later; and trust me they do come. xxx

  21. Completely feeling this.

    I want it all to begin already! It’s exciting I can’t wait to see what it brings! This Virgo Moon has be planning some life changes.

    off topic: I also do a massive spring clean of everything in my life, I delete so many files from my computer “Hmm I don’t like this song anymore– delete!”

  22. This is exactly how I feel at the moment. I know that it is time for me to move on in life. I can not go back, must go forward, but where… is still a mystery. This weeks scorping is going to be a key indicator for me as it aligns with some announcements from my work place that have a lot of people on edge. New job, new life, new adventures, but not just yet…

  23. aha. Yes. I’m finding pluto transiting 7th house is like backpacking – you stop for a while, unpack, relax, get a bit comfortable, then – nope! we’re moving on! pack yer bags and move on. Naow. no you can’t stay, someone else has booked your room, and besides the hotel is only temporary anyway.

  24. Wow. Was just wondering if this transit vibe was what was to blame for my sudden uncharacteristic burst of career-transition-related emo and tears in the shower. Checked out my chart. Pluto is sitting on my natal Neptune. A bit literal, but accounts for the waterworks!

      • Mystic… : ( when is this insomnia going to end??? I don’t take pharmaceuticals as a rule… I appreciate the growth but faaark I need some sleep!!!

        • How’s your magnesium intake, Ainslie? During my bad insomnia attacks I take a mag powder supplement, mag gel from the health food shop, epsom salts baths and a herbal mag/valerian combo tablet and that seems to help. Plus lots of exercise in the fresh air. If I work hard in the garden, lots of digging/lifting etc, I sleep better.

          • Oh hell yes, 400mg of Mag before bed, sometimes I double drop with a melatonin supplement too. Wild dreams, deep, deep sleep.

      • Thank you Mystic, that’s exactly what’s going on! I’m going to go write all my crisis angst in my journal…I might need a laugh in my late 20s ;-)

  25. I cannot say.. I think I go thru “transitions” after these posts. LOL! Will reort back later!! :)

  26. So far any changes were physical. I colored my hair blonde, I gained weight, I dont give a crap I was obcessed my entire womanhood to look my best and all I didwas attract young horney men, lol.

    I dont mind the real me. Except I’m not ready for white hair (i’m 60)
    But I guess I can say with all honesty is that the real me has emerged!!

  27. Definitely in the middle of change. On again off again with Mr ‘I’m a complicated person’ kataka has been fuqing with my head … but made me realise that what I want is true love (ok, soppy I know) – not just hot booty calls – and if I can’t have it now, then I’m fine on my own till I find it. I am not settling for less than I deserve.
    And I’m stuck between two jobs at work … my own and someone else’s I’m filling in for. Worst thing is I don’t like either (hate the office politics) but I’ve just over a year to go till I can say goodbye to the whole place for good. In the meantime I’m getting everything in place to make the move, and getting back into my writing and creative stuff to keep me sane.

    • You go girl! Do it ALL for YOU! I hated working in offices too. I love to work around people and never a dull moment keeps work interesting. I’m VERY bored not working but need to decide what I want to for the rest of my life. Maybe answer phones in old age home! I’m a great quick receptionist and adore the old folks. NOT wantiung to change diapers though :o

  28. OH YEAH!

    I am so in the middle, I feel like I’m in limbo. Andno, I didn’t get the job of my dreams last week, No explamation. None needed at this point.

    What i thought was about career hs turned out (of course) to be about me, all of me. For those of you who have been following my trajectory in the last 10 months, it’s been pure, unremitting hell. And strangely, the only bright spot has been when I told my boss at the only job I’ve managed to actually snag in this whole time, to stick it where the sun dn’t shine, before walking out and getting drunk in a bar and weaving home through Melbourne city reeking of scotch.

    But of course, this is not really about career, and my search for a job has gone on, and on, and on, and during this time I have worked out that I didn’t want to do what I was doing, but I don’t know what it is I want to do. And I didn’t want to be what I was being, but the process of shedding that skin is a lonely, difficult limbo. I have literally become a hermit in 9 months. I will come out again soon. But not until I know what skin I will be wearing this time. it sure as heck won’t be the same as the last one.

    What I’ve had to confront is how full of fear and mistrust of self I am, and how little basis this fear and mistrust has now, but how much it did. Even owning up to this is painful. And now I am seeing a shrink, and it is funny. All the stuff I shrug off. And he will ask “how old were you when that happened?” and my answer will be 5, or 7 or 12, or 20. Not old enough to be left alone for nights, not old enough to have to see these things, not old enough. He points this out. I have cnditioned myself to accept whatever is done to me as normal. i must cope. I did cope. I do cope. then iI do it to myself. It’s not a ‘poor-me’ thing. It’s an aknowledgement that the fear I have of being abandoned and not good enough has a very tangible root in being abandoned and told I was not good enough at a very young age. And striving to become a perfectionist to overcome it, but always restless, always moving, always leaving, I’m the one who breaks it, moves countries, moves houses, cant trust people. I’m good at everything I do, very good, but it’s not because of a desire to immerse myself in that thing. no, its from a desire that if I am perfect, I can make a shield around myself and use it to disconnect. All I ever really wanted to be was a Glenn Gould-type figure – a genius musician who was so touched that he was unable to sustain human relationships, but left alone because of his genius. No one questions a genius.

    Not a good motivation, I come to see.

    I’m the one who excels at everything, always, but I cannot get a job. I’ve walked in and out of jobs as it suits, today I’m a PA, tomorrow a teacher, I have been a musician, a writer, a stockbrokers moll, I’ve run my own exotic business, whatever i want, I become, i get.

    Not this year. I’m in limbo. Bugger. I couldn’t get a job at present if my life depended on it, which it almost does, but for the kindness of my nearest and dearest. I’m hexed. or at least this version of me seems to be hexed. Except that, in accepting the charity, in being forced to accept the charity, in being forced to stop and stay, I realise it’s not charity. It’s tangible love. i’m loved.

    So my loss of career has led me to a loss of self. And back again. But meanwhile I must ponder the question my ex-husband asked so eloquently “Why can’t you ever let people love you,” and the answer “Because I don’t believe they do, I’m shameful, I’m a trickbox, I talk fast but there’s nothing really there to love” is very painful. And then my ex-boyfriend whom I had known for 10 years when i left for the Middle East ‘ “:why do you aways leave” and the answer “Before I get attached, before I make roots, before I get rejected, before you see that below the skin, there is a white noise, that it’s all surface’.
    Except it’s not all surface. I feel it all acutely. It’s a lie. i’m not invisible. I affect and am affected. I’m not Glenn Gould. I’m me.

    Horrible, hateful, necessary, hideous limbo. You bitch.

    I have a child who loves me. I did my best to break that love when she was tiny, but still she loves me unquestioningly. I used to try to climb out windows. Terrified of being needed, used to being alone. So here I am, having come to a full-stop, forced by the power of this unquestioning, unreasonable love that doesn’t judge or ask for anything except to be near her mummy, as much as possible. And in this stillness, I see, I am definately worth something, I’m worth a lot actually, and my daughter knows it, and my mirror self knows it, and I am here with the little demons and we are not getting out of here alive, not all of us anyway.

    And if you’ve read this far, here’s something very weird.

    I cannot get a job in a bar, despite being able to pour drinks and backchat all night long whilst simultanously polishing piano mirrors and throwing smoked almonds at people -. “You’re too overqualified, of course you won’t stay”

    I cannot get a job in an office, despite being the singularly most organised person I know (not an idle boast), able to rustle up technical letters in the blink of an eye, sort out online filing systems and piss of the Testra technician so much he actually arrives 10 minutes after I call, in three different languages if needbe- “We can see you’ve got the experience, but your employment history doesn’t include a logical progression from tea-girl at at NAB call centre to EA to the head of marketing at Orica, so go away”

    I cannot get a legitimate job anywhere.

    But……

    In the last week

    I became the agent for an incredibly talented West African textile artist who has just completed a collection for the NY Winter catwalk (I know nothing about being an agent, I have just behaved like a groupie for this man after I had an epiphany when I first saw his work 8 years ago and now people are following me to get to him and he just said, do it and I’ll pay you a percentage so I am….)

    My ex-business partner, the man I most love in the whole world, is taking me to china next week for two weeks and it’s not for an extended dirty weekend. it’s because with all my spare time I have stepped into the breach that his chinese agent has left after an enormous stuff-up for a huge tender from his government and I have all the stuff on the table. And I have to come because he said I am now the only one who holds all the strands of this project oin my hand and can organise them. And he’s right. But I know nothing about brokering deals between governments, neither of which is mine.

    Into the breach of nothingness that limbo has imposed, in between watching old Greta Garbo moives and crying on the floor, I gravitate twoards what i love to do. there are things, amongst all the striving for empty perfection, that I love to do. I know that now, because of limbo. Because limbo has made it so nothing else works, except my DVD, and my real abilities. Not the shiny ones. The ones that come from my heart.

    I cannot get a job in an office, or a bar, or a school, or a high rise. i cannot get a 9-5 to save myself.

    But what I can get, or what i am starting to get, is what i always wanted. Work that lets me travel. Work that lets me deal with beauty, and languages, and other people. Trade, in the old sense. And I see that maybe, just maybe, it is coming to me now because little by little I am beginning to see that I deserve it.

    Sorry for length

    It’s the odd truth though. It’s been a very odd time. I feel extraodinarily disconnected from my life and others lives ad yet at the same time, I am alive to every single nuance, I’m electric. I can’t go anywhere and yet….

    And yet…sometime in the near future, when the sun comes out, I know, I KNOW, I will open up the front door, I will walk out with my head up, and the universe will go click, and just like that, all my bones and joints will have finished this free-fall and they will all join up and I will become whole again, in a different place but still in my front garden that i see every day, like a teleporter, and it will all make sense, this hideous, bitch cock suck-hole whore of a year that almost ate me but has left the bones and somehow reconnected the heart to the brain…..

    • You’ve lead a very interesting life for someone who never felt loved or good enough to be loved, like ME. I too have led an interesting life and ran from relationships.

      BRAVO to you for going through all that and now ready to emerge a new you-LOVEABLE. And you’ll attract true love. Good Luck!!

      • The dumb thing about all of this is….

        I’ve never lacked for men who love me terribly.

        But I always thought they’d catch me out
        so I never let them in
        And I broke their hearts
        and then accused them of breaking mine

        Thankyou. What I hope is that the next time, I actually let that love in.

        • You are NOT hexed Seabird! – and yes to therapy, you’re finding all the answers now, it’s what you need, when you need it. Fuq work for $, and yes I know it’s real life necessity shit but your psyche healing is priceless and of course you will always have that most precious of all precious: the complete love from your daughter, and your love for her. Nothing in life compares to that level of love. Good luck lovely, xx

    • This moved me to tears, Seabird. You are one brave, brave woman. Such fearlessness in the living and the telling. xx

    • thanks for sharing that was absolutely fascinating/visceral/sad/amazing, i really felt what you were saying. its hard to feel how you do but I visualise your places u been too etc, again, thanks for sharing.

      • also, I would say that loving yourself is the hardest thing that you will probably do from the sound of your story (I been there a bit too)…..you get what you sow…you willl love yourself when you love those around you (eg the shop keeper, the post man etc)

        • sorry I men you might not get to love yourself but it might help. thanks again, that was amazing story.

    • get out of your way already! If you are landing gigs that are what you’ve wanted. So glad u posted your comment. I too have been struggling with perfectionism, and it’s been making me unhappy and getting in the way of relation, it’s like I want more than life, more than what is real, it’s strange. You’re not alone. Now u can identify what’s causing strife because it has surfaced like a big pimple of puss. Now get rid of it. Pluto transit? Transformation from inner-outer… So glad the travel thing is paying off. Yes, very plutonic. You are doing well Seabird, you are still learning so give yourself credit (we all r learning).

      • Wow Seabird, moved me to tears at towards the part about your daughter. Thank you for sharing that. As mentioned, brave and also helpful for others who may be resonate due to experiencing/feeling similar things (self included) So, thank you so much. May all the best be yours in the future. :)

    • Wow, you have been on an amazing journey Seabird … and a tough one by the sounds of it. You are clearly a strong and brave lady, and it sounds like you are coming into your own … and discovering who you are, an intelligent, talented, lovable woman. Best wishes with all life is bringing now.

    • WoW, your story gives me hope. I’m right there with the job thing, can’t get one so I have to make one and working through all the inner child, core emotional foundation stuff. It will all have to come together the abundance.

    • Seabird, you probably know this already, but there’s a lot in your story i know from the inside…and i don’t know what to say.

      That’s because i don’t want to advise or minimise. You’re singular, and single minded. This is why you survived and this is also why you have to change to flourish.

      You have gathered your army, by the sounds of it. Your support crew. Sometimes you can rest, fall into hands instead of being a survival warrior, to learn how that is.

      If under the surface is white noise what’s under the white noise?

      I am also struggling to recall any of your astro, if you want to share it. Love and lots of it xxx

      • The astro! I never know how to interpret the astro. But I love your takes on things, Millie, so I will reply with the bits that are maybe relevant. I can’t work out transits to save my life!
        Gem sun, aqua moon, tarus rising. Nn in 7th house sagg. Mars 0 degrees Leo in third house. Saturn in 2nd house, Jupiter in 10th.

        Sitting in the Chinese visa office trying to get a visa in time to leave next week, I cannot offer anything else from memory. But please, ask away, because astrology is subtle self-administered psychology which is why I love this site!

    • This was a great and inspiring read – thanks for sharing your story! I’ll just say briefly that I’ve been through similar hell and likewise, have ended up attracting to myself things & people that are much more in line with what I value and deserve. Thank God for phoenixing!

  29. I feel like I can only depend on myself and family for moral support .
    Need lots of it these days . Many changes , yet claiming my authority back .
    There are boundary issues working right now . I know I am in the perfect place yet it is challenging and have to learn a new mode of operation . New landscape , New people coming in to my life . Other relationships are changing or ending . Exhausting yet will not give up .

  30. Wow seabird, thanks for sharing, that’s so Pluto isn’t it? Destroy to create? Takes the basics away to see how true to yourself you can be…. I was going to write about work too, and reading your passage has got.me thinking even deeper and considering I’m very Pluto I was already thinking deep, and I’m on my phone writing this which is just not as flowing as on laptop but anyway, I want to change jobs, and I’ve just spent nearly a decade to get to this point in my work and am finding myself thinking of things that I would not normally think of….

    I think I’ve hit the age where one goes fuck it! Time is running out I have to do what I want, not what I think I want! But isn’t it a shame that getting paid work is so Pluto in cap, its not that easy to come by, which is what I was going to say to u seabird, don’t be too hard on yaself love, we are having some global recession and employment has gone totally wack, employers want you to sign your life in blood to them, because they are paying you their profits, and then they want to fck one up the a…. Well maybe its a true blessing for you right now, and look at what is happening, I know that might sound a bit whatever when ya need money and I felt that for a long time….

    So what’s the experience out there of dramatic career changes, like you studied to be an architect, microbiologist, environmenlist and ended up deciding to make jewelery, open a cupcake businessbecome a pt, etc, I know people do doit, and how many changes can a high functioning flake get away with?

    • Thanks! I do agree, this is a tough, tough market. But the morph is not easy at all.

      I have to admit to being spectacularly bad at one thing, which is being objective about myself. Which i think we are mostly not good at. And making a major career switch reqirues you to be cold-bloodedly self-objective. I can do it now, but it really hurt.

      And then you have to plan like a mofo. But it helps if you know what to plan for and I haven’t reached that yet, and in the eternal words of my shrink, until I do know, “Put it in the too-hard basket” (with the implication, just keep watching those Greta Garbo movies, they are literally all you need at the moment.)

      I don’t think mine has been so much a career move as a life-quake, so I won’t comment on your situation except to empathise desperately!

      And say this, which I actually do live.

      Life comes around once in this body as we know it. Beyond this time here on earth, we can only speculate. This is not the beginning or the end, it is in effect a game, and this is what has sustained me. Life is like a big game, and whatever moves you make, at the end is death for everyone. After the last square, nothing will matter, but just before that last square, it will all matter, desperately. it’s a cosmic joke, this game. Try to ensure it’s a great game, and that you get to as many of the squares as you can.

      Go make cupcakes, or drive race cars in Monte Carlo, or design feather boas for Marianne Faithful, but take care of the behind-the-scenes, and do it slowly. You will never regret it. I’ve never regretted a single thing I’ve done, all I regret is the motivation, and not even that now because it brought me to here.

      • Brilliant, thank you seabird, your sharing has really touched me tonight, something feels so raw, and I totally agree w your last statement… Intention is everything every moment…

  31. No time to read all fo this sadly but YES I do feel like I am in transit – changes such as becoming hugely grateful for everything instead of looking on the bad side, not blowing up at people who annoy me like my Mum for not being empathetic or sympathetic but just taking it on and shedding a quick tear for a moment, … dealing with anger . But feeling like NO ONe is around to talk to about it or would understand.

  32. First, LOVE the first two lines of the Virgo horoscope for Monday. Lol!

    Mars-Pluto-Mercury in my natal chart. I can get nihilistic at times. Pluto is a slow, thorough mover. Feels sluggish, sticky, determined. Like whatever force it is that turns fallen trees into fertile black dirt: it’s gonna happen. Pluto doesn’t need “faith”

    • Gladly!! Well done you. Libra Moon knows nuance for intellectual enterprise that succeeds in bringing people together in ways that help transform and soothe. Definite 8th and 2nd houses there.
      U deserve gold shiny acknowledgement and recognition for what too often goes taken for granted and under appreciated!

    • The quote is exactly what I have been feeling for awhile esp. during the new Pluto in Capricorn (3rd House) .
      Perfect quote for the Pluto tran-shites. ;)

    • omg Mystic, I totally take your genius for granted most of the time. I dont spend much time on the net, dont do fuqbook etc but hang out for your words of wisdom, humour and genius every fuqin day. Just want you to know, even from a very small person like me, how much you enrich my life. Love and light to you, xoxox

    • Lol! Check your scopes – seriously BUT prob when the Zap Zone is less intense. Say, 2016. Although, to be fair, it eases off a bit after Sept 16.

      I find that it helps to reconfigure your entire system – mental, physical, emotional, diet, thought patterns, fitness etc.

      This pic here is from an old post – it is a Remedios Varo (the surrealist) pic called Insomnia – she actually did it as an ad for sleeping pills. Adore. She absolutely gets it.

  33. Ive been surfing this Phoenxing for a couple of years now, late last yr I made a big noticeable change in my life and destroyed an old-me, late last year I started a new path of self. It’s like a method of finding new energy from the parts that were not working. Great post Mystic Medusa!

  34. Yeah, my 2 cents is free. But feelings are another matter. Be relieved, be offended, be whatever– but I’m getting paid for feeling biz. Cheddar all the way.

  35. sometimes you are downright spooky MM.

    I read this after waking from a very strange dream of diffiuclties in airports and bus stations – I think all about anxiety and transition. Woke a little discombobulated, to find this fantastic discussion of your post.

    So yes, absolutely have left where I was – literally – and am in a not-too-comfortable transitioning city, in a not-too-comfortable transitioning job that is going nowhere fast,

    Like Seabird and others, there are indications that something MUCH better may be there if I can work out how to make it happen..it is the keeping the faith and the confidence that I can do it that is the issue – and the patience not to blow it all up because I cannot stand the not knowing..

    So many thanks to Mystic, and you all for sharing your stories here.

  36. My gosh not sleeping, restless, moody, teeth gnashing :) The works! Also the beautiful intro quote is how I’ve felt for so long and also feeling stuck – not able to go back/not moving forward notion is right on par as well. Wholey Mackerel. When does it stop hurting? Maybe if I gnash my teeth louder?! :P

  37. “Sartre was Sun-Pluto-Mercury in Gemini.”
    I am a Sun-Pluto-Mercury-Mars in Virgo 11th/10th.
    I feel very Pluto.

  38. Scarlet Rose lets get one thing clear, my change is NOT hurting. There have been worse from those who supposedly CARED & TRUSTED only to be the boot of thier own issues. I am grateful for my PEACEFUL life at this time for I know opportunities and people more like myself will happen. We’re just writing how we left the past where it belongs but others can’t seem to accept that there is no place in MY life for them any longer.

  39. Scarlet Rose I’ve yet to see you here unless your in cognito-anyone else here familiar w/ Scarlete Rose?

      • Wha?Sorry, I meant that it was me gnashing my teeth, ect – not at anyone on here either. My change sure is. Sorry if I offended you if I misinterpreted anything else. Only use this psudoname. This place seemed really interesting and open with the people posting seemingly similar.

        • meaning, that’s why I thought I could post so soon.. it seemed to be the way here. :( Sorry if I misunderstood or have offended anyone else or misinterpreted anything else. The ‘Belong’ part sounded inviting, I suppose.

  40. I read the quote above and felt completely gripped by it…well what do ya know, i, too, have merc conjunct sun conjunct pluto…in scorpio. It seems the disruptive changes never end. And lately its been pure insanity!

  41. Ditto: cant sleep! Drinking too much! Feel like i’m on drugs when i’m not…we’re not in kansas anymore…

  42. Sleeping lots really helps.. I’m going back to basics of getting centred via healthy food, exercise, meditation and yoga… A bit boring, but it’s working.!

  43. INSOMNIA~
    yes….getting zapped. My natal pluto is being opposed by transiting uranus and squared by transiting pluto….sigh.

  44. Pluto and Uranus are my most dominant planets.
    Yeah I stay up really late…and I want to do something else for a living…and working on that. And learning how to say no to people at my work.

    Have a few ideas of what I want to do for a living. But I know I am not happy with what I do now…and need to tap into the unknown in the career department.

  45. I am not sure how Richard Branson can buy, Pluto… At least he is campaigning for it to be reinstated as a planet. Maybe Pluto itself is between two places….

      • That was truly awesome: I was reading your comment like, “Richard Branson what?! Buying Pluto huh?! Who does he think he is any–

        Oh.”

        haha!

  46. I’ve been picked up, dropped and then stumbled into a pit where there is nothing but me myself and I! All the prayers and patience havn’t quite paid off but the Neptune transit into pi has started to heal the root of my chart while pluto shatters my finances in the 2nd only to make me more self sufficient and learn to accept that nothing but I matter and all else is secondry since pluto in sag wanted you to see the true nature of self .Uranus is saying forget the small tedious crap be more arrogant otherwise you too will be bogged down with narrow minded shit heAd crap and go nowhere fast. Break free from dreaming which was pisces and walk the talk. Both fuckin with my Libra sun and stellium for the next few years..people love to cause trouble for those they fear but always in a group!! I say keep on hating muhaahaha