Astro Gaga: Pimp This Cover To Win

Filed in Astro Gaga

Nicole Kidman and Clive Owen as Martha Gellhorn Ernest HemmingwayTwelve months of Mega Mystic (as a new subscription or an add-on) to the person who comes up with the best astrological explanation or funniest critique of this cover. See previous examples of such genius in the Astro Gaga Category.  My fave W couples cover analysis is here.

Some starting points for consideration here; SHE is Gemini and – says my friend the Scorpio Sex Academic – an alien. HE is a multiple Libran, terribly thing about hair/clothes/make-up though he tries hard to hide it via machismo swagger aka pretending to be an Aries.

I gather he’s playing still-hot Hemmingway (pre-fuqing his liver) here and she is supposed to be the war correspondent-genius/sometime Hemmingway lover Martha Gellhorn.

I think he is supposed to be looking as though he is thinking intense Hemmingway type thoughts about bullfighters, mortality, penis size, dignity, astronauts etc but in reality is he is all Libran-guy-agog at her nylon wig. He can’t believe it. He is fearing that the picture might subliminally give his fan base the idea he is into transsexuals. Not that there is anything wrong with that, as such.

Clive is all existential, wondering if he could cancel his trainer with a plausible ‘shoot went on way after schedule because of Nicole’ excuse and go get hammered  – it’s what Hemmingway would have done, it would be nothing less than Method.

But enough of my thoughts – yours please?


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83 thoughts on “Astro Gaga: Pimp This Cover To Win

  1. Far OUT, i love all these – u guys r the best BUT i am giving TWO prizes and they’re going to Ms Noir and Milleunanotte — Ms Noir for the Hemmingway pretensions ( have long suspected Clive of just that in his poses) and Milleunanotte for the genius depiction of a saturn transit….

    pls email me xx

  2. She is a Libra and therefore an alien…striving to find balance, something done much more easily now that she’s exorcised Tom Cruise from her life. He was into Scientology, which is all about aliens…no wonder he was attracted to Nic. Tom was too weird even for this alien beauty. So maybe it’s not botox, but alien miracle dust.

    Anyway, bloody Clive Owen is looking all preened and smug with himself, or if we really want to focus on where he’s looking, it’s actually down the front of Nic’s dress. As for playing Hemmingway…oh dear. He might look rugged on the outside, but he’s more picky about his hair than his rum. I can’t see him harpooning a dolphin and eating its liver…he wouldn’t want to get blood in his hair.

    An affair to remember? Alien meets would-be hairdresser. She teaches him how to harpoon dolpins with lasers and convinces him to fight the Fascists in Spain…but they both end up running a hair salon in Guernica, bringing much-needed cheer to the freedom fighters…until the salon is tragically bombed.

  3. LOL it’s just me, not Mystic handing out that Mega gift.

    I fell off my chair this morning after sitting on the edge of my seat all weekend, waiting for Mystic to call the winner here. C’mon, sister: my fingernails are next!


  4. top 8 lines IMHO

    “She’s having an orgasm with her right hand, but you can’t tell because of all the Botox”

    Her thoughts are only for herself, her mania and her current aries eyebrow envy.

    Was she a silicone woman, or was she a woman of the sea…? The glint of the diamonds taunted him, and he again wished he’d thought to buy her pearls

    Her Gemini pulse is bored and just wants to move already.

    She has her hand there because the wig, which she stole on the way the this shoot from a bandy-legged drag queen named Betsy Bigboobs

    Clive [thinking]: Maybe I should put a pillow under the other side of her, there… I think she’s starting to lean…

    She: [to herself] Damn…why did I ever date a non-subscriber?

    NK: Help! I can’t move my forehead. I’m trapped inside my face and I can’t get out. Heeelllp!

    Brilliant all of them

  5. Stepford Wives – The Sequel: Mistresses

    Nicole Kidman was born to play the part of robotic wife again and and again and again.

    NK: Help! I can’t move my forehead. I’m trapped inside my face and I can’t get out. Heeelllp!

    Cue CO: Maniacal laugh getting louder and Louder and LOUDER.

    Tag Line: ‘In Stepford no-one can see you scream’

  6. Sorry, should have added the astro-analysis:
    Libran desire for harmony (which you don’t get with upset tum)
    Gemini need to be on the move (difficult when guts go crazy).

  7. Clive: “Don’t worry darling, the sennacot and prunes will help your constipation.”
    Nicole: “But will I have time to get out of this dress?”

  8. He: ‘What do you mean you’re leaving me because someone called Mystic Medusa told you that breaking up with someone in the early part of 2012 meant someone better was coming along?’
    She: [to herself] Damn…why did I ever date a non-subscriber?

  9. He’s Japanese actually. A super wealthy aquarian Yakuza boss who paid millions to have his face and follicles reconstructed to look like a european movie star. The doll next to him actually is a doll. His latest purchase. She cost over $100k and is usually installed on his leather lounge, lying down, but he’s put her onto the side seat because guests are about to arrive.

  10. “Oh goodness, Clive! Get back into bed.” Nicole stares into the camera,sucks in her cheeks. “Haha,” the Gemini in her laughs. “Sorry… Now, where were we?”

    “Exc-u-u-u-u-se me!” Clive leans towards his mother. “You can’t keep me locked up forever.” Taurus gets stubborn. “I insist on being interviewed too.”

    Nicole whispers out the side of her mouth, “Bastard.” She remembers the camera, tilts her head and feigns the cheeries. She holds her hair in place with one hand.

    Clive’s lower half is deformed, he’s got the premature aging disease.
    “Let’s start with the hangers.”

    “I think they’d rather hear how the special effects people hologram you into every part you’ve played.” Nicole tells the interviewer, “He loves that movie, Mommy Dearest. Yet look at how well I take care of him. My bebe.” She hides the bruise on her cheek, near her hairline.

    The last time she threatened to beat him with a hanger he fought back.

  11. They go to the same bar. Once they got heinously drunk and had an clumsy alley fuq which was totes embarrassing for her so she now frequents before mentioned bar incognito (blonde bombsell wig and designer 60’s style space cadet garb). She’s acting all non-chalant as she’s realised he’s recognised her and he’s heading on over to give her that “Hey, you were gonna call me?!..” line of interrogation. Awkward. More for him than her, she just wants to get her drink on & not have to deal with deflated egos.

  12. She’s Gemini and he’s Libra – and that , you think, explains everything (especially the hair ) not to mention the will I/ won’t I? Should I/Could I madmanesque vibe. Hence your surprise at my opinion that the entire cover is a perfect illustration of a Virgo fantasy from beginning to end…but think about it

    She’s finding that he’s beginning to get on her nerves… “Yes he is nice” she saying to herself, “but standing behind me all the time is carrying this shyness thing a bit too far”

    Or quite possibly she wondering if the problem is that she is too much like him – because his shirt is actually a lab coat . He MADE her in a lab. And yes he is having an intense sexual and/or chaste relationship with her at the moment but something is not quite right…needs more work…

    You see? Virgo Virgo all the way. And it makes sense, what with Nicole’s Virgo ascendent and Clive’s moon in Virgo. She’s a projection of his anima.

    And with both of them of the generation born in the 60s with the Uranus/Pluto conjunction (where else?) in Virgo they are projections of and onto a large part of the workforce of the western world and the leaders of the workforce, just coming into their own. The Pluto/Uranus conjunction babies who are having or about to have their first square to the aforesaid conjunction and are therefore about to experience – a Deep Change of Mind.

    They both are part of the pluto/uranus conjunction in Virgo generation

    That’s why he looks as if he made her somewhere in a lab and yes he has been having very intense sexual relationship with her ever since…but she’s not quite right…yet. Somethigs wrong

    that’s where all the intense disinterest comes in. He looks like he’s just walked out of his lab with this big doll under his arm. He’s half way down a long corridor, has stopped for a rest and propped her up rather lopsidedly into ahave very deep sexual feelings towards her.

    And she can keep teeling herself untilthe cows come hom that s telling herself thinking – this is what happens when you fall hoepelesly i love yes he does get on your nerves after a while…

  13. I think nicole turned into her gemini twin, which is a trans robot. she is wondering how/when she will get back to her cyborg planet of neptune. she can now breathe under water and is def. ready to uncover the lost esoteric knowledge of atlantis. clive is like wtf? is this real? also can i still have sex with a cyborg trans androgynous queen or what?

  14. I think nicole turned into her gemini twin, which is a trans robot. she is wondering how she gets back to her cyborg planet or neptune because she can now breathe under water and is def. ready to uncover the lost esoteric knowledge of atlantis. clive is like wtf? is this real? also can i still have sex with a cyborg trans androgynous queen or what?

  15. All I see is him saying “How the h#ll did I end up shackled with her?” all the while thinking he needs a stiff drink and an exit plan.

    While she is staring in the mirror lost with being in love with herself.

  16. Clive Owen is my end all-be all. So hot and sexy….. and that voice! Oh my!!

    So imagine my disappointment with this photo spread. He looks annoyed in all the photos and she just looks…..plastic/alien.

    As for her claim that she’s all natural. Natural my ass! Between the lip injections and botox…. she looks like a shell of her former self. Pity. Bring back the red hair Nicole!

    Another peeve of mine is that she’s supposed to be playing a war correspondent, and they style her like that? Fail.

    OTT– any ideas on rising sign for Clive? I could see Taurus.

  17. Ever since Mercury (her 8th house ruler) gave her natal Chiron in Pisces a peck on the cheek, she’s been skulking about in this hideous hair-piece. He’s certain it’s a cry for help, and he can’t decide if he should bring it up, or take an “emergency” call from wife – something about a kitchen fire or something. Either way, the only thing to remember about this affair is the sound of cruchy dry hay as she runs her perfectly manicured fingers through that rug.

  18. Nicole [through clenched jaw, into phone]: Yes 911 send an exterminator right away I have– I have *things* crawling all over my head in my wig crawlies running all through oh my gawd and I can’t move can’t even scream cuz all of my muscles are paralyzed by weapon-grade Botox gawd that shit is expensive– but please hurry please they’re crawling all over me– what?– no I can’t recite you any poetry– yeah that’s my twin– the one who acts– right– fuck lady wig full of bugs here please hurry!

    Clive [thinking]: Maybe I should put a pillow under the other side of her, there… I think she’s starting to lean…

  19. woman – photoshoot-for-your-pleasure Libra rising with heavy air influence with fire moon,leo.

    man is heavy sag,with water moon,and Venus that conjucts woman’s mars,he is an adventure who has been put in a suit just for her,and his gaze is so fixed on her,that he forget he doesn’t belong in that peachy world.

  20. Man…there is no way to top Mystic’s analysis on this…too funny.

    I was looking at him thinking, “what is it about his expression that bothers me so much?” then I remembered the faces of several pathetic men in my life who thought they could guilt trip me into having feelings for them by looking all sad and sensitive and willing. EW. If this guy isn’t a Libra/Taurus/Venusian I’ll give you my right arm! His self consciousness is palpable, but Mr. Venus in the background does believe he is handsome enough to pull this all together. He knows he’s man candy cause everyone told him so.

    As for Nicole- she’s about to say something. Don’t you think? At the very least, if she is as Gemini as they say, is probably struggling with this photos lack of purpose. “Why am I looking the camera in the eye? is this a thing between me and the photographer?” and another flickering thought “This is so obviously a wig I could kill my stylist right now.” Another flicker about some things she needs to do that day, another about how she’s bored and uncomfortable…

  21. her….this thing won’t stay on my head and itches like crazy.

    him… glad they didn’t put that nasty thing on my head.

  22. Who, what, when and why was this photo ever taken? It looks like their photos were taken separately and photoshopped together. Check out their hands. Nicole has a claw grip on her hair/wig, like she about to rip it off her head. Clive looks like he has weird stubby meat sausage fingers. This photo has no depth.

    He looks like he is trying too hard while she is completely vacant. Her eyes contain no warmth or wisdom. I keep looking at this photo looking for something. But all I see is the nothing. No longing, no anger, no love, no fear. I barely see a flicker of apathy or boredom.

  23. He: “What is the bare minimum I have to do to seduce her”?
    She:” I wonder how long I have to space-out before he slithers off”?

  24. He’s checking out her pretty bracelet thinking, how come I didn’t get any bling bling for this shoot? All I got was this naff wrist watch with a boring black strap that doesn’t lend any cred to my libran coolness at all. She’s totally distracted by the itchiness on her head caused by the cheap wig, so much so that she’s completely forgotten his presence. Her Gemini pulse is bored and just wants to move already. The shutter clicks, she gets up, moves to the dressing room mirror and realises that she doesn’t even know who she is anymore or who she is meant to be. He’s left standing alone in the room.

  25. Despite the carefully contrived presentation(or is that “style”?), streaming through both their (apparently) still minds is the same question, “Who, what, where, when and why………….. am I?”

    A universal (or a “world” wide) question perhaps?

  26. He is trying to channel Don Draper, but it’s not working.
    She is totally focussed on Keith her bogan lover. She’s not too bright. I think she’s just happy to get away from Scientology alive.
    The end.

  27. This scene is set in the waiting room of where Pretty Hurts is shot. Gem has been in there for ages, usual botox, fillers and a top up in the airbags. Him lib inquistive cannot help but remember how much she now looks like his first wife when he was twenty. Considered approach weigh up look versus expression? Pain, screaming, resisting, is the woman he was married to at twenty…..

  28. *** My Polyester Girl ~ So shiny ~ Polyester Girl***

    All I want you to say is nothing at all,
    And all I want you to do is stare at the wall
    I love your plastic hair and your plastic eyes
    Marvel at your plastic breasts and plastic thighs

    *** My Polyester Girl ~ So shiny ~ Polyester Girl***

  29. Mars Direct had Clive ready for full pounce, totally drawn by the lady with Venus on her Sun. He leaned forward to incite himself to full distraction with a view of cleavage, when his Libran sensibilities took in not only the texture of her skin but also the fabric of her fitted dress.

    “The decolletage… surely not…is it made of Saturn…Saturn…Saturn?”

    He was reminded suddenly of his taxes, a slight ache in the teeth he hadn’t yet checked and wondered if he had actually made the deposit on his do-it-yourself combined retirement villa/funeral plan. And the seductive moment was gone.

    “A wig,” thought Gemini. “The idea! This photographer is so much fun”

  30. He is a Libran Roboticist. He is observing his latest creation and feeling kinda odd. In fact he is beginning to wonder if he is developing
    Pediophobia (the fear of robots, dolls or similar objects).
    Tres unfortunate for a Roboticist.

    Or maybe, he thinks, it’s just she just smells wrong? Like a pair of floaties fresh off the press.

    The Libran Roboticist ponders Japanese roboticist Masahiro Mori’s “uncanny valley hypothesis”.
    (Which essentially posits that if a robot/doll etc. is imperfectly human it’s attempts to be human are seen as sweet. BUT if the robot is perfectly human looking, it’s non-human qualities will chill you to the bone)

    The Libran Roboticist reaches an epiphany – he knows he must destroy this thing immediately. No amount of delicious vanilla and cinnamon perfume will make this robot seem sweet.

  31. She can’t move because if she does, her silicon, perspex and latex rubber shell will crack, tentacles will fall out, and it will emerge that she is in fact a 1004 year-old alien who decended from Betelguese and sucked up a rather good Australian actress named Nicole Kidman who used to act. She has her hand there because the wig, which she stole on the way the this shoot from a bandy-legged drag queen named Betsy Bigboobs, keeps trying to run away from her head to rejoin its rightful owner, because it is actually a platinum blonde marmoset.

    Meanwhile, Clive is contemplating whether or not he should just quit this whole caper and return to his first love, which is vaudeville performance. His frozen expression is actually deep thought. His mind is elsewhere, although the slight crease between his brows is because he detects a faint scent of latex about the lady in front of him, and something about the air around her feels a bit vacuum-like. He also has a residual memory of once meeting a woman a bit like the one seated in front of him, who actually smiled and laughed at one of his vaudeville jokes, and he can’t quite reconcile this image with the current reality. However, he does very much like the colour-scheme he has been co-opted into, and is also wondering whether the his meagre but meaningful vaudeville wage would cover redecorating the two-bedroom walkup he will need to trade in for his huge Hollywood condo…when he finally takes the jump and starts keeping it real.

  32. “He took her out of her plastic wrapping, kicking the layers of packaging out of the way, and set her down on the chair, turning her this way and that, until he’d managed to position her just-so; stopping to inspect his handiwork, then repositioning her in the chair, maybe turning her torso a little more to the left so she wouldn’t pitch forward into the shag-pile rug and taking her slender arm between his large hands and bending it to position her hand against her head. He spent several minutes adjusting that silicone hand until it rested against her temple in a gesture of casual nonchalance; it looked good against all that blonde hair, the exact shade he’d requested from the catalogue, and he sighed and finally felt content and felt it was time to celebrate at last. He went to the liquor cabinet and took down a bottle of scotch and a single glass and set them down on the table opposite her. She stared into space and as he looked at her blue eyes he thought of the ocean and for a moment wished she were a mermaid and then he wondered if there was a mermaid costume in the catalogue but then he decided to drink the scotch and think about it later. He opened the scotch then was troubled by the sight of her bare wrist and he remembered the gift he’d bought in anticipation of her delivery and he put the bottle back down and hurried into the study to fetch the dark blue velvet box on top of the pile of books. She was still sitting there, tilted to the side, staring out to a sea that didn’t exist in his lounge-room and he paused in opening the box in front of her, wishing suddenly that he’d bought pearls instead of diamonds. “For you…”, he said a little awkwardly, and when she didn’t answer – because she wouldn’t answer, that’s just the way it was when your new companion was a life-sized sex doll – he fumbled to extract the bracelet from the box and proudly clipped it around her wrist. Not bad, he thought, circling around to adjust a curl of hair against her shoulder. As he withdrew his hand, he looked down at her pensively, wondering what she saw. Was she a silicone woman, or was she a woman of the sea…? The glint of the diamonds taunted him, and he again wished he’d thought to buy her pearls…”

    Sorry, been reading a lot of Hemingway lately; can’t help it creeping into my own writing now…

  33. to me it looks like he has just a lewd suggestion about what he would like to do her and she has just told him to rack off. libran guys often fancy geminis but geminis prefer the waterier types. Just my opinion. sorry this is not funny at all.

  34. His Libran saturn sun/venus transit has him obsessed with the future of his relationship with his duplicitous gemini partner. They met online and after 12 weeks he is revaluing their relationship status.

    Originally it used to turn him on that she was so cat and mouse and cold with her affections. He can only “love” from afar, (in retro tinted glasses or possibly just hipstamatic). He would always site his OK Cupid profile with wanting a ‘muse’ to inspire him for his ‘art’. Suddenly he is all virgoian level eye radar meets capricorn value check with (possibly emerging depth) and a core value system for relationships beyond picture-in-my head syndrome. His neptune squares have always fancied this version. Why do I have the sudden urge to wear black leather? Who the hell does Saturn think it is anyway?

    Her thoughts are only for herself, her mania and her current aries eyebrow envy. She’s having a look crisis trying to secretly live up to his retro doll fantasies within a fashion context. Do I channel Marilyn, Brigitte, Jane Mansfield, Farrah, Debbie? She’s drowning in an uncreative mash of all the above turned iconic blonde headache trying to keep up appearances.

    But hey, she knows it’s good for her career if this doesn’t work out, She’s daydreaming about her “goal setting’ sex exploits upon his sudden seriousness and self examination rants that tune her smile on auto pilot while she fades away unnoticed into another affair that will provide more stimulation.

    • Wow– you got a lot, here! “They met online…” “Her thoughts… a look crisis… Do I channel… ?” haha Love it.

  35. He is looking over her shoulder checking whether the threads are visible on the side of her head and pondering his refreshed look if he gets a thread lift. She is seeing if she can hear the ocean if she put her hand over her ear.

        • I miss her too. I missed the kerfluffle, and hope she’s shines her quick witted light upon us soon. She was sharp as. Hi UV if you
          ‘re reading Xx

      • This is truly lo-Piscean (or SagitCurious) of me but i’m SO intrigued i wish i could read the deleted post. Uber was very strong minded and quick witted so i can’t imagine such a fight. Then again, it might hurt the soul to know.

        • I missed it too, I don’t really know what went down. I think that’s a good thing – I really hate fighting, conflict upsets me when it’s the kind where no one wants to reach a good solution or understand. I miss UV too. It’s good to see Davidl back here n there.

  36. I always thought he was a toro… Which to my eye explains the slightly despondent look: sure she looks good on my arm at parties but I’m not going to get a home cooked meal anytime soon and she’s gotten rid of my comfy couch.
    She: Bored. Sofa swap to modern aesthetic didn’t do the job of picking up her mood. Maybe better options will present later…

    And on personal note. Clive= drool factor 10.

  37. While Nicole takes instructions from the mother ship (via a receiver, discreetly concealed in the rock on her finger, in her left ear) Clive is concerned the whole ‘look’ of the shoot will be lost unless they can photoshop some cleavage in for Nicole. (The editor thanks Clive for his input and a cover is born)

  38. Her hair length is wrong and should have been chopped just under her ear, Then we’d have a Rock Hudson reconsidering a sexed up Doris Day thang happening

  39. She’s having an orgasm with her right hand, but you can’t tell because of all the Botox. Nevermind- she looks great, albeit placid. He is wondering what he’s doing wrong and why he can’t satisfy her like he does all the others. She is wondering how to stage the next fight to keep him “in line.” He is wondering how long he has to hang out with her until he can have a g&t on the deck.

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