Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Er, one. No, make that two. No, one…if that’s what you think.
HAUTE LIBRA IS SWEET: Everyone falls in love with Libra. Some never recover. People on public transport feel compelled to compliment Libran eyes. Children like Librans. Cats like Librans. Even parking police like Librans. Birds fly around the Libran so that they can excrete on someone else’s head. Librans are often only dimly aware that not everyone lives like this. They wonder why people are so mean about banks, when the manager is always so charming and helpful. They attract admiration and envy in equal measure. Libran men can evoke doting service from the surliest waitress. Libra smiles and suggests that grouchier types should put lavender oil in their bath like the Libran does.
HAUTE LIBRA IS REASONABLE: Librans specialise in unbiased counsel, a huge boon for everyone lucky enough to be in their orbit. Should a situation requiring mediation arise, Libra’s already there, ready and able to hear and grasp the other person’s point of view. Okay, so they do also agree with Irish playwright Oscar Wilde that “nothing annoys an enemy more than forgiveness”.
HAUTE LIBRA IS BEAUTIFUL: As is fitting for a sign that’s all about balance, Librans tend toward pleasing symmetrical features. A mind-boggling stat is that 54 percent of Playboy magazine playmates are Libran. So are a disproportionate number of official beauties. Libran men are total smoothies who look as if they’re wearing make-up even when they are not.
HAUTE LIBRA IS TACTFUL: Librans find undue intensity in social encounters odious and are skilled at bringing hot-air-fuelled conversations back to a bubbly and light level. If someone is midway through an interminable yarn about how someone nobody know thought they had a disease and then didn’t, Libra can be relied upon to deftly direct the topic away from the tedious. They are also master of the social euphemism. For example, someone slept around until the other person broke if off? Libra says they drifted apart. The relationship was vile but with fabulous make-up sex? Libra says a passionate affair. Obese? Libra says generously built. Promiscuity? Libra says very socially active. A cocaine addict? Libra says very vibrant.
HAUTE LIBRA IS LOVING: Love really is like oxygen to our Libra. They are in love with love and with being coupled. All Librans want to have a soul mate. A Taurus prefers to be in a relationship but would make do with rutting around their entire life, if necessary. A Leo could be left alone with some Champagne and a Belgian-glass mirror and probably end up proposing. Loving is Libra’s core competency. They believe life is most happily lived in tandem with another.
HAUTE LIBRA IS CHARMING: When Libra turns it on, nobody can resist. They excel at making someone else feel as if they are the most important person in the world of Libra. When British novelist P. G. Wodehouse discovered an author he admired, he would immediately shout the person to lunch at a swank eatery.
LOW LIBRA IS SLEAZY: Librans are grotesquely capable of almost knocking people over in their quest to stand beside the most famous and/or desirable being in the room. This is only slightly more healthy than the Leo tendency to assume that they always are that person. Spanish crooner Julio Iglesias branded a perfume called Only, “for all that women have given me, I wanted to give them something in return, something that would speak intimately to each and every woman the world over.” Yes, the fancy themselves as the world’s greatest lovers. British rocker Sting boasted about his all-night Tantric love making techniques. The Libran woman doesn’t have Call Waiting. She has Cad Waiting, just in case the current beau fails to completely fulfill.
LOW LIBRA IS HYPOCRITICAL: Just do it…later. Librans procrastinate but they turn it into a strength-of-character issue. One moment they’re raving on about their new carbohydrate-free diet, the next they’re eating chips, sipping chablis, and citing moderation. The material known as pornography becomes erotica should a Libran find it of interest. Really pretentious Librans upgrade their smut to art: British novelist P. G. Wodehouse was living in the south of France when Germany invaded in 1940. He was never interested in what he called “keeping up with the news” so he continued to write, oblivious to what was going on in the world. Then the Germans found out he was British and locked him up. To score a better standard of living, P. G. agreed to make funny radio shows for the Nazis about the lighter side of internment. As a result, he was imprisoned in a comfortable home and his show was broadcast to the U.S. and Britain. When journalist Malcolm Muggeridge was sent to spy on P. G., he came back with the conclusion that “the broadcasts are neither anti nor pro-German, just pro-Wodehousian. He is a man singularly ill-fitted to live in a time of ideological conflict, having no feelings of hatred about anyone, and no very strong views about anything”. Traitor”? Or just very Libran?
LOW LIBRA IS TYRANNICAL: Jim Henson, creator of The Muppets TV show, was said to have a “whim of steel”. Anyone who thinks that Libra is more of a lifestyle concept than an actual person should shack up with one some time. If a Libra decides that a sofa, say, is suddenly unsuitable, it will be instantly redefined as trash. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks because Librans have superior aesthetic instincts. Libra doesn’t care if the offending item is the household oven. Libra doesn’t care what you say because Libra listens selectively. Certainly, they demonstrate a plausible appearance of hearing – eyes focused on yours in tender bemusement, tennis-club smile plastered across their pretty little face – but really, they’re planning their next little aesthetic improvement. One moment the Libra is unleashing a tornado of invective about how disgusting the venetian blinds are, the next moment they’re answering the telephone with that special, probably patented, Libran “company” voice – a dulcet croon designed to utterly disarm new acquaintances and potentially grumpy shop assistants.
LOW LIBRA IS A SOCIAL CLIMBER: Moth-like, Libra flutters toward the light of what they imagine to be a higher form of society. To avoid offending touchy Librans, the term “social moth” was changed to social butterfly. It is also more appropriate as anyone who has seen our Libran emerging from the dysfunctional cocoon of home to attend a glittering event will attest. Librans love the idea of fiercely protective bodyguards hustling them through the adoring crowds. A Libra is capable of over-reaching and trying to invite minor royalty or a celebrity to some boring suburban barbecue. They can neglect their family for decades – “too tedious, darling” – only to experience a sudden surge of affection when it transpires that cousin Thing is now terribly important.