I mean as a child the concept of being unwanted just didn’t register. We would also have various Aunts and Uncles telling us how lucky we were to have our parents. Which sort of sets up this, what were we before we had our parents…what, we were unlucky before, we’re only lucky because of you…? Sort of sets up a few personal power issues that I think are probably different than your average* family dynamic (not sure I’ve really met an average family)

For me I’m mostly comfortable with my own self worth. I have the odd confidence block…yet find them now valuable as a self check in am I fearful: because I can’t do this, as the prep is undone, am I trying to fly by the seat of my pants, is flying by the seat of my pants perhaps a good thing et al? …As long as I don’t paralysis myself with analysis I’m good to go.

My triple threat taurean sister however on an energetic level feels like a wound….still. She vibes very ungrounded…which as a Taurean is sometimes the saddest thing I can imagine.

I think my parents tried to shore up, rather than providing her with the tools to do some self work…actually no they did provide her with tools, just their tools and it’s not a great fit….(I think they did the best they could with what they knew at the time)

I went out and found my own stuff….which is why I think I’m largely ok…(except I have to conciously be compassionate about other people’s neediness/define boundaries where appropriate, because just a whiff makes me instinctively want to run a mile)

So I think behind every energy thief is loss and sadness, and possibly a great gaping void. Which doesn’t make their theivery acceptable…just maybe, understandable.

There’s been a lot of good advice at how to not engage, and stop the energy suck along this thread. Again, thanks for sharing guys.

I really liked her husband. He was a sweetheart…also lasted about 3ish years. …but relatively not long after splitting another bloke appeared…

It all gets a little coy though as for a couple of years he was called her ‘friend’ and then he made this rapid upgrade to being included on xmas cards….I think this one has lasted 4 years…soooo?

No children…she has said to me that she thinks she couldn’t give them the attention they deserve…

I’ve had mentioned to me (from someone outside our family unit) that I shy away from this type of energy because I associate it so strongly with my seemingly always hungry for more sister….and that there is an alternative, that I can self generate…that it does not need to be stolen at all…that it is important for me to appreciate the difference.

I’m starting to get it…and do appreciate a comment Uber made on another thread about maybe looking at how other people manage around her…I really think maybe it is key, to not worry so much about her actions, and while recognising a certain level of defense is still probably wise..and maybe there is a certain acceptance after 40 years, that she is needy on a level that not many people are… the majority of my focus could be more fruitful if it incorporates fulling my own energy expansion…

pluto direct- as mystic says: radiant self reliance. you are emancipating yourself from all the crap hes brought in, and you are going to be the shining example of an evolved and solid soul in these kids lives.

take good care of yourself. x

I’m not in this for revenge, just want what’s best for kids. I absolutely want their father in their lives, of course it’s crucial for them. ATM ex has kids 4/14 nights and finally after a long time that is working well, kids adjusted etc. However, i still do all the organising, scheduling etc as ex is hopeless at details (eg after more than 2 years separated he still asks me constantly what the kids like to eat!) And he expects me to tell him and update him WTF! I’ve organised all school emails and reports to go to him as well and he still relies on me to update him. He works long hours and I do help him out with kids a lot on those 4 days when he needs it. He also is invlved with son’s rugby team – assistant coach and qualified referee -(season over now) and usually sees kids more often than 4 days a fortnight. But he is deluded in that his ideal is that we both work full time and kids go to after school care in son’s case and library in daughter’s (which is to me not ideal at their age) and then rotate week on week off btw homes. They are both bright, engaged, gorgeous children and it won’t be long before they are more autonomous and then that situation may indeed be a good one. I think it’s essential that they are able to be nurtured before and after school and able to engage in activities and not be shuffled around because their parents are working etc. When they are with him they don’t do homework, assignments, music practice, or speech & drama practice. They go to bed late and are rushed around doing whatever he wants to do. It’s him first always and that’s how it’s always been (i realise in retrospect).

Get this – he doesn’t have a lawyer – yes he is so narcissistic. And he has dragged this out to a financially breaking point for me (and he enjoys it). Hopefully he will have one by mediation time (someone needs to talk some sense into him). He credits me with nothing, not the fact that I gave up so much to nurture our babies (each breastfeed for 12/13mths), not to mention I did so much better at uni than he did – uni medal. (I did go back to work in research position for 1 year while daughter was aged 1 but 12 mth contract job and I was preggers with son, hb earning heaps so made decision to be a full time mum. And I don’t regret it for a second though at the time must say had inner conflicts about it as work was self-defining for me (6th house Sun).

Part of me is furious as now kids are easy (9 and 11) before the purported teen years. Where was he when our marriage blew up – he didn’t have the kids at all for the first 8 months – living in the city (Fortitude Valley for peeps who know Bris) acting up no doubt. He saw them once a fortnight on a Sunday (for the day!) Who did all the holding it together for the kids – fuqing not him. Same with baby years – he was never home and anyone with babies and toddlers can tell you how hard that stage can be. I shudder to think of him handling them as teens – so fixed and “do it my way” attitude. For example he thinks it’s fine to drag my 11 y o down the stairs and in to the car against her will. I’m the one who soothes, listens and gets her there (his place) calmly – whether it’s while he’s ranting at the door or 3 hours later. He causes so much stress.

He is very money focussed and i think the 50/50 thing is more about the settlement split as in i will get less if he has them 50 per cent of the time. When he drops them off you can see the relief – oh now i’m off to gym wherever, sigh, got my freedom back). He rarely calls the kids while I have them yet i ring them every day when he has them.

And yes i do see a shrink 3 times fortnight! She is brilliant and i thank the heavens i found her!

Now I’ll stop being a blog hog – gotta get Aqua girl to her AMEB music exam!

Happy Pluto direct indeed!

Have you asked for some clarity on the objective behind his demands/offer? Seek clarity on what it is that he feels and what he wants for the children in the short term (assuming he can articulate this)? Could it help your outcome to acknowledge his needs and go some way to meeting them in the settlement? I think you are in a very strong position as the children’s primary carer, but it might strengthen your outcome to acknowledge his needs/rights too?

I would think that a settlement is about defining some workable boundaries and supportive framework for the future, not revenge for the past. Revenge for the past (should you even desire it) is a whole separate process and best achieved by you being resilient and going forward strongly and independently! That is another challenge…

SO hard to step back and think more broadly when you are also feeling let down/betrayed by someone but do try to separate the past out of the present if you can. Maybe mind map or draw all the areas, issues and feelings that you have (past & present) on a big sheet of paper or whiteboard or something to help separate them? Use different colours (yes, brown is for sh*tty stuff, but don’t forget to include the nice coloured stuff too!). Just get it all out there, out of your head, and step back and look at which ones you really need to deal with now. Maybe some can just sit for a while?

I hope you have a good counsellor FF. I would need one a couple of times a week if I were going through that! Must go, got huge drive in front of me today. Happy Pluto Direct everyone – transformation a hoy hoy! x

robots, it must be awful to be around this person and keep doing your work, but the poor thing, really it sounds like she might be a train wreck happening in slo mo? Or an express version perhaps and no one can get through to her or even help her see how she is being? When (if) I can get over the initial annoyance/infuriation etc. of someone like that, I think to myself that what they are putting out there is just a little bit of what is going on inside them 24/7. Must be getting pretty bad inside her at the moment. Then I think of that saying, “there but for the grace of god go I”. She’s on a human path and she is dealing (or NOT dealing!) with something pretty bad, and that could happen to any of us. This helps me to detach from the other person, acknowledge that I don’t really know the reason/s behind their behaviour…. and, most importantly that I must look at and manage my own. That is MY responsibility. Like you say, its a lesson in how you don’t want to be.