Hi-Lo Astro: Haute Virgo – Low Virgo

Lance Armstrong.

HAUTE VIRGO is HELPFUL: Virgo is responsible for some awesomely practical and helpful innovations. For instance, Margaret Sanger, the nurse who started the world’s first contraceptive clinic and gave us the term “birth control”, was a Virgo. And naturally, it took a Virgo, Samuel Johnson, to dream up the amazingly sensible idea of the dictionary. Virgos can always be relied upon for practical advice: think of this timeless piece from Joseph P. Kennedy (father of U.S. president John F. Kennedy): “Don’t get mad – get even.” When at a dinner party a Virgo asks, “Can I help?”, they actually mean it, unlike say, Gemini or Pisces who really mean “refresh my drink”. They have a keen sense of duty and offer amazingly sensible advice for stressed-out friends. Virgos don’t become hysterical, they are straight to the point with the best advice in the world and offer pragmatic assistance when appropriate.

HAUTE VIRGO is WITTY: Their unique brand of bitchy character analysis is hilarious. Virgo zooms in on the tiniest most revelatory details and expands them into a hyperbolic gushy tirade. They remember gags, anecdotes, and jokes and are able to tell them beautifully. Virgos are rightly adored across the known universe for their wit, humour, and observational skills. When told he’d have to “bite the bullet”, Hollywood Hunk Keanu Reeves replied ‘’yeah, but I don’t have to eat the whole rifle”.

HAUTE VIRGO is SUAVE: Virgos of both genders have suave, cute worldly-wise appeal. They always appear put together to just the right degree – not too over the top and contrived, but certainly not underdone.

HAUTE VIRGO is POLITE: Virgos are the original take-anywhere date. Blessed with exquisite manners and social perceptions, they know precisely how to behave with perfect aplomb in any situation. Although they live in fear of it, they never offend. It is quite common for Virgo to telephone after a party to ensure that they did not upset anyone when, in fact, they were the most functional and best-behaved guest in the history of socialising. They always remember to ask about you.

HAUTE VIRGO is MODEST: Virgos turn their analytical inclinations upon themselves with sometimes disastrous effects upon self-esteem. They can’t fool themselves with the sort of comforting half-truths contrived by others to maintain serenity. Intimates of Virgo should try to remember to “stroke their ego”. That way Virgo won’t be forced to fish for compliments or goad people into them. They are so aware that they are not doing a hamstring stretch while they clean their teeth, or whatever is their latest routine, that they forget what they achieve every day: civilised order in an often unruly world.

HAUTE VIRGO is A PERFECTIONIST: People belittle the Virgo for this but who do they screech for when something goes bung? That’s right. Our Virgo, who knows where the receipt, guarantee form and toll-free help number are filed. To totally thrill a Virgo, ask them to help reorganise the Rolodex and start a new, happier, and more organised version of life. Virgos are everyone’s life coach. They know all the little tricks in the book: motivational tips, power naps, power showers, stain removal…

Charlie Sheen

LOW VIRGO is A FUSSBUDGET: Inside every Virgo is a school Sock Monitor waiting to get out. These people are so particular. Having handed you your drink, they then snap “that’s all right” in sarcastic tones before you’ve even had a chance to say thank you. In fact, Virgo wanted you not to thank them. That’s why they give you a mere two-second interval before bitching it up. The notorious mutiny on the Bounty in 1789 is a lot more understandable when we take into account the captain of the ship, William Bligh, was a Virgo. He probably had one too many fits over the shocking state of the ship’s baseboards.

LOW VIRGO is GUILTING: If anyone ever makes a horror film about Virgos it should be called The Guilting. All Virgos are elite, professional guilters. But it is not enough to be a natural-born guilter. Just as the world’s best ballet dancers still perform the basic maintenance chore of a thousand plies at the barre each day, Virgos are constantly honing their guilting skills. These can take the form of a dread silence, the infamous minute-long Virgo sigh or a clench-jawed “Seeing as you’re too busy to make it over Christmas, I’ll put your nephew on to talk to you…. I suppose hearing your voice will be some small comfort for the poor thing…” Whether they know it nor not, most Virgos consider themselves to be saints. And what is the main occupation of most saints? That’s right, martyrdom. The Virgo worship of natural fibres is really leading up to one obvious outcome, the hairshirt. It would add extra oomph to their “after all I have sacrificed for you” and “slaving over a hot oven” speeches. But martyrs also create miracles and there are many such manifestations of St. Virgo’s powers. There is the St. Virgo “entertaining the in-laws at Easter” miracle, the “St. Virgo arising from their sick bed to hang out the washing” miracle and the “St. Virgo nearly breaking a bone dashing to answer the phone” miracle. Reserved for special occasions are the “St. Virgo marrying beneath themselves” miracle and “St. Virgo selfessly wrecking brilliant career for the children” miracle.

LOW VIRGO is HYPOCHONDRIAC: An estimated one in 10 people suffer from this ailment – a “state of mind in which the sufferer is so preoccupied with their health or with symptoms of ill-health that this preoccupation is in itself a disability” – and they are all Virgos. Everyone else gets a cold. Virgo is convinced they have Peking Virus X or whatever illness is most in style that season. Most people figure that a strange rash will go away, Virgo’s can’t help seeing themselves as the mysterious Patient X, afflicted with something so hideous it makes headlines in medical mags. With their whining, leisure-time reading of prescription drug manuals and surfing of symptoms.net, Virgos can make awful patients. The doctor says it’s athlete’s foot and Virgo demands a full toe scan. They can be germ phobic.

LOW VIRGO is NAGGING: Okay, so old nun-face calls it correctional motivation. The point is that when Virgos are done badgering themselves closer to perfection for the day, they turn on whoever is closest or most susceptible. Even if a person is not at hand, they’ll start picking through the cat’s fur looking for fleas to kill. Virgo is so vile that they can’t see anything untoward with their contact. To them, it is obvious that they can’t commit their heart to a person so imperfect. They think casting aspersions on another’s income-earning ability several times a day will inevitably result in the said person becoming more prosperous, or telling someone again and again that their sexual technique is so inept that an orgasm is nigh impossible will result in an ecstatic copulatory experience. A Virgo can always find time to stick a note to the fridge, whether it’s for you or to nag themselves about whatever their gripe of the day is. Virgo is quite capable of taking a molehill and turning it into a whole new continent.