Comments on: Astro-Gaga: Inner Child 101

By: Über Virgo

Über Virgo — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 04:44:06 +0000

It’s good for her to see you cry. It helps to validate and normalize her own feelings.

I’m not sure if you need these links, but I’ve found excellent, helpful stuff on the net for helping children deal with grief. I’ve added the suicide booklet as it’s really well done and has parallels with your situation.
http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p=114&np=141&id=1662
http://www.health.nsw.gov.au/pubs/2002/supporting_children_.html

By: aries,aquarius, cappoliscious moon.

aries,aquarius, cappoliscious moon. — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 03:49:25 +0000

thanks again for the positive comments. I always knew she would be hurt by her father one way or another… But maybe your right, maybe she wont be too damaged and fortunately they had good times together. We have many wonderful people around us and much love in our lives.

He was a middle class virgoan junkie. very classy but a total mess. Horrid childhood experiences etc. I do understand the junkie thing, I married one after all, but even so, I don’t understand the extreme level of selfishness. Perhaps because when I fell pregnant with our child, I knew it was time to give over my own bullshit and take care of someone else. I grew up, got over my crap, and gave away all my destructive habits (though lately I am smoking again, and attempting to give up again). I know women who can’t do this either, who are more in love with drugs than their own children. It is so incredibly sad.

Perhaps a big part of my fear is my own childhood too, after all this is what this is about, feeling small and invisible, dumped and unloved and completely without value. But you are right Uber, life throws shit at us all the time, and how we handle it is down to our skills that we have innately and learn by example. My girl has seen me cry over this, she has seen me be strong and weak, happy and sad and angry. I just don’t want her to think she is any less valuable because a parent has left her ( i have 5 parents, true modern families, so have been abandoned more than once by a father). And yes, now I see my parents as they are, have come to terms with it, done the therapy, and like them all quite well. So I guess this is her path and I have to guide her as best I can.

By: Über Virgo

Über Virgo — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 01:52:53 +0000

You are a wonderful mother aac. There’s so much love in your sentiments. Of course you don’t want your little one to experience hurt. However, everyone must experience significant loss in their life, and unfortunately some experience it very early at a very delicate stage. Dad will stay on that pedestal a long time, possibly long after you get knocked off of yours, but you can trust that your daughter will deal with it in her own time and come to realize the truth of the situation. The full demythologizing of our parents may not come until middle age when we start to come into our own wisdom, often matured by loss. It’s important that she sees how you deal with the hurt and she will learn from that, even if she learns from your mistakes. (The hurt veterans here will probably reassure you there isn’t a perfect way of dealing) I also make a big distinction between hurt and damage. It’s possible that she can eventually deal with the hurt without sustaining too much damage.

I never had much sympathy for junkies – never could relate to the destruction of that path, but this guy http://jostsauer.com and his books on drugs and drug repair really changed my mind. Jost is an ex addict. It may be a little raw for you to go there yet, but it helped me to understand the power of addictions, and that mostly addicts don’t set out to hurt others. Usually, they just want to feel good, but it gets out of control.

By: aries,aquarius, cappoliscious moon.

aries,aquarius, cappoliscious moon. — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 23:38:09 +0000

thank you. I am going to do the best I can. I guess I am much afraid of not being able to do enough. And I guess I know that no matter what I do, she will always hurt. I don’t want my baby to hurt. I am still so angry at him for being unable to give up his habit for her (even for me) for dying because of his own pain that he muted with drugs. For not being able to heal himself so that he could look after his child. Behaving like a brat teenager at 39. My inner adult has copped a complete beating and I have to be braver and stronger than ever before. I grew up the day he died. Really grew up. I had to tell my child he was dead, that was the hardest thing I have ever done. My heart broke in two as her heart broke. I despise him for this. Over time I will forgive him I suppose, but it is going to take a lot of therapy and time. This is all still so very fresh and raw. But thank you for your kind words. They do help.

By: xox rockstar libran publicist xox

xox rockstar libran publicist xox — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 08:54:46 +0000

I treasure the 72 Derwents that got me through design school, in the timber box. they are used by all the kids who come to my house. rearranging them by colour hue or numerically. their call. priceless! xox

By: william

william — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 07:47:19 +0000

omg the obvious disclaimer mentally ill should not stuff about
well, guess that counts me out….

back to the institution..do sorta miss the cold sheets… just hanging around… nice talkn to yall

By: william

william — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 05:38:11 +0000

he watches over her no doubt…

remember, there is no death— remember.

By: Baristagem

Baristagem — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 05:10:37 +0000

aac, I read your post & I felt that I could share from my experience if that of course helps in anyway……
I lost both my parents when I was 10 years old, the most difficult thing for me was the shock that my parents could/did die & I felt so alone in the universe. I had all these feelings & I didn’t know how to express them, I struggling with grief & It was so very confusing…. Even as an adult it’s hard but I have wonderful memories of my parents to think of.

The best thing your daughter has is you & I’m sure you will be more than able to give her everything that she needs in life. She may still put her dad on a pedestal when she grows but it may just be because he was a good dad to her & she has those wonderful memories at least.

By: aries,aquarius, cappoliscious moon.

aries,aquarius, cappoliscious moon. — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 03:59:58 +0000

my six year old daughters’ dad died a month ago. We hadn’t been together for 5 years, but got along ok. I have already had sleepless nights wondering how this will affect her as an adult. She is going through some intense stuff, gemini/cancer cusp, cap rising, pisces moon, chiron in cap. she is feeling rather alone, and often wishes she wasn’t alive. Heart breaking stuff. Junkie dad has been put firmly on a very high pedestal. He was a horrific husband, but a good enough dad when i left him. It is hard enough when a normal living parent falls off the childhood pedestal, but how is it for the child who lost the parent. Eventually she will know he wasn’t so perfect and that scares me too. The whole fuqing mess scares me.

By: Über Virgo

Über Virgo — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 02:17:59 +0000

And while I’m on a Louise Hay rant, I might add that her therapeutic process does nothing to help people develop insights into the real causes of their illnesses. That’s why I felt ridiculous doing the affirmations – repeating some prosaic platitude, when it proved more fruitful to search for answers and insight, as well as quality healthcare. When I did come to understand the various causes of my illness, and there were a number, they bore no resemblance to Louise Hay’s twee formulas.